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1
00:01:01,407 --> 00:01:03,363
Hi, Ma.
2
00:01:06,447 --> 00:01:10,156
Aren't you going to ask me
why I'm sitting in the dark?
3
00:01:10,247 --> 00:01:14,399
I know. Your birthday's this weekend
and you're depressed about being older.
4
00:01:14,487 --> 00:01:18,321
No. I'm depressed because you give me
such lousy birthday presents.
5
00:01:18,407 --> 00:01:22,605
Ma, you want better presents,
adopt Monty Hall.
6
00:01:23,607 --> 00:01:27,361
I wish I could.
Jewish sons are the best.
7
00:01:28,527 --> 00:01:30,643
They give great gifts, always call,
8
00:01:30,727 --> 00:01:34,561
and you don't have to worry about them
getting hurt playing sports.
9
00:01:34,647 --> 00:01:37,878
Ma, trust me. You are going
to love your present.
10
00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:40,845
- What is it?
- You'll find out Saturday.
11
00:01:40,927 --> 00:01:45,125
I'm old. I could die before I see it.
You'd feel terrible.
12
00:01:45,207 --> 00:01:50,076
Of course I would.
I got it on sale. I can't return it.
13
00:01:50,167 --> 00:01:52,397
We just went shopping
for Sophia's party.
14
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:54,762
That's what I want to talk about.
15
00:01:54,847 --> 00:01:56,758
It's hard finding a present.
16
00:01:56,847 --> 00:01:59,486
- What are you getting?
- I'd rather not say.
17
00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:02,001
- A surprise.
- You know what it is?
18
00:02:02,087 --> 00:02:03,998
That's right.
19
00:02:04,087 --> 00:02:06,317
How come I don't get to know?
20
00:02:06,407 --> 00:02:09,319
Rose.
21
00:02:09,407 --> 00:02:12,126
How can I say this diplomatically?
22
00:02:13,607 --> 00:02:15,518
You're a blabbermouth, Rose.
23
00:02:15,607 --> 00:02:17,598
You're a blabbermouth.
24
00:02:19,007 --> 00:02:22,044
OK, so I made one little slip.
25
00:02:22,127 --> 00:02:27,281
So I told Harriet Webster you had
your ears pinned back in college.
26
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:31,797
Dorothy, you had your ears pinned back.
27
00:02:31,887 --> 00:02:34,560
What did they use, a big ear stapler?
28
00:02:36,887 --> 00:02:39,481
OK, so I made a few little slips.
29
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:43,116
But I can keep a secret.
I'll prove it to you.
30
00:02:43,207 --> 00:02:47,644
If I spill the beans, I'll give you
my most prized possession.
31
00:02:47,727 --> 00:02:49,638
No, Rose, I couldn't do that.
32
00:02:49,727 --> 00:02:51,957
I couldn't accept your favourite album,
33
00:02:52,047 --> 00:02:54,607
Hans Klabnermeyer Yodels Beethoven.
34
00:02:57,207 --> 00:03:00,802
Actually, I am going to tell you
what I'm getting Ma,
35
00:03:00,887 --> 00:03:02,878
because I need your help. Wait.
36
00:03:05,047 --> 00:03:07,038
My nose.
37
00:03:08,527 --> 00:03:10,518
Ma, quit listening at the door.
38
00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:18,680
I'm flying my mother's sister Angela
over from Sicily.
39
00:03:18,767 --> 00:03:21,679
And she's bringing the surprise?
40
00:03:27,567 --> 00:03:30,001
Rose, she is the surprise.
41
00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:33,038
They haven't seen each other
42
00:03:33,127 --> 00:03:36,324
since Angela moved back to Sicily
30 years ago.
43
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:39,642
That's a wonderful surprise.
44
00:03:39,727 --> 00:03:42,639
I need your help to set up the party
45
00:03:42,727 --> 00:03:46,322
and keep Ma out of the house
while I pick up Angela.
46
00:03:47,447 --> 00:03:49,722
Ma, get away from the back door.
47
00:03:50,727 --> 00:03:53,958
Have you got eyes
in the back of your head?
48
00:03:54,047 --> 00:03:58,757
Ma, why can't you just relax
and enjoy your surprise?
49
00:03:58,847 --> 00:04:00,803
Because the last surprise I got
50
00:04:00,887 --> 00:04:04,516
was walking in on cousin Vito
parading around in my girdle.
51
00:04:07,327 --> 00:04:09,887
You're going to love this one, Sophia.
52
00:04:09,967 --> 00:04:14,006
You know what it is? What about
the blabbermouth, does she know?
53
00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:16,526
Maybe.
54
00:04:16,607 --> 00:04:18,598
She knows.
55
00:04:19,607 --> 00:04:21,882
Rose, after dinner, what do you say
56
00:04:21,967 --> 00:04:25,880
we ride over to the Dairy Queen
for chocolate cones? My treat.
57
00:04:25,967 --> 00:04:28,720
With rainbow sprinkles?
They're five cents extra.
58
00:04:28,807 --> 00:04:31,275
What the hell? I'm a sport.
59
00:04:42,367 --> 00:04:45,598
Are you still here?
Dorothy's due back with Angela.
60
00:04:45,687 --> 00:04:48,838
Sophia keeps finding excuses
not to go shopping.
61
00:04:51,287 --> 00:04:53,278
I'm ready, Rose.
62
00:04:54,447 --> 00:04:56,483
Sophia, what's the matter?
63
00:04:56,567 --> 00:04:58,797
I saw the doctor yesterday and he...
64
00:04:58,887 --> 00:05:01,242
I can't talk about it. Let's go.
65
00:05:01,327 --> 00:05:03,522
Wait a minute. What is it?
66
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:07,566
You dragged it out of me.
My heart is a time bomb.
67
00:05:07,647 --> 00:05:11,879
But don't be concerned. Even though
I've only made love in one position,
68
00:05:11,967 --> 00:05:14,561
I've led a very full life.
69
00:05:16,287 --> 00:05:18,847
- Let's go.
- Wait a minute.
70
00:05:18,927 --> 00:05:20,838
Isn't there something we can do?
71
00:05:20,927 --> 00:05:25,159
He says any little shock or surprise
and it's kaboom.
72
00:05:25,247 --> 00:05:27,841
I guess all we can do is pray.
73
00:05:27,927 --> 00:05:31,124
Unless you know of any surprises, Rose?
74
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:36,918
Sophia, now,
you stop trying to trick Rose,
75
00:05:37,007 --> 00:05:40,044
just because she's weak
and vulnerable and dim-witted.
76
00:05:42,607 --> 00:05:44,598
Yeah.
77
00:05:45,847 --> 00:05:49,283
OK, Blanche, I give up.
Rose, let's go shopping.
78
00:05:51,647 --> 00:05:53,877
Sorry you got stuck shopping with me.
79
00:05:53,967 --> 00:05:56,242
I realise Dorothy is forcing you.
80
00:05:56,327 --> 00:05:58,238
- No, she isn't.
- Yes, she is.
81
00:05:58,327 --> 00:06:02,366
She always takes terrible
advantage of you, Rose.
82
00:06:02,447 --> 00:06:05,120
- We should go.
- Wait. Listen.
83
00:06:05,207 --> 00:06:08,882
At the movies, who always stands
in line for the popcorn?
84
00:06:08,967 --> 00:06:10,878
I do.
85
00:06:10,967 --> 00:06:13,959
- Who always lifts up furniture?
- I do.
86
00:06:14,047 --> 00:06:16,607
When we clean the kitchen,
who always mops?
87
00:06:16,687 --> 00:06:19,281
- Dorothy.
- Who cleans the mop?
88
00:06:20,327 --> 00:06:22,238
I do.
89
00:06:22,327 --> 00:06:26,240
She takes advantage, Rose,
and it's time you stood up to her.
90
00:06:26,327 --> 00:06:29,683
There's no time like the present.
Speaking of presents...
91
00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:34,477
Rose, what are you doing here?
I asked you to take Ma shopping.
92
00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:38,196
Take your mop
and put it where herring don't swim.
93
00:06:40,527 --> 00:06:42,518
I was this close.
94
00:06:48,327 --> 00:06:50,443
Dorothy, you're home. Where's Angela?
95
00:06:50,527 --> 00:06:52,245
Still out in the car.
96
00:06:52,327 --> 00:06:55,603
Aunt Angela, you were supposed
to wait in the car.
97
00:06:55,687 --> 00:06:57,996
- Did anyone see you?
- Relax.
98
00:06:58,087 --> 00:07:02,000
Somebody passed by
and I made like I was a lawn jockey.
99
00:07:02,087 --> 00:07:06,000
I think it worked.
His dog tried to pee on me.
100
00:07:07,567 --> 00:07:10,559
Aunt Angela,
please meet my dear friend Blanche.
101
00:07:10,647 --> 00:07:12,558
Blanche, this is my Aunt Angela.
102
00:07:12,647 --> 00:07:15,559
Pleasure to meet you.
Shall I get Angela's luggage?
103
00:07:15,647 --> 00:07:18,878
- She doesn't have any luggage.
- I never travel with luggage.
104
00:07:18,967 --> 00:07:22,642
Ever since I found
a dead man in my suitcase.
105
00:07:23,687 --> 00:07:26,485
You found a dead man in your suitcase?
106
00:07:26,567 --> 00:07:28,478
Right. Picture it.
107
00:07:28,567 --> 00:07:32,003
New York City. 1956.
108
00:07:32,087 --> 00:07:34,681
I was a young widow
returning to Sicily.
109
00:07:34,767 --> 00:07:37,600
There I was on the boat alone,
110
00:07:37,687 --> 00:07:40,918
watching Lady Liberty
grow smaller in the distance.
111
00:07:41,007 --> 00:07:45,000
When suddenly I heard a voice
from the vicinity of my knees.
112
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,918
I looked down.
113
00:07:48,007 --> 00:07:49,963
There was a midget.
114
00:07:50,047 --> 00:07:53,642
It turns out that his name
was Peewee Bonbunzi,
115
00:07:53,727 --> 00:07:56,764
and he was fleeing from the Mob.
116
00:07:56,847 --> 00:08:01,762
For the next few days,
we ate together, laughed together,
117
00:08:01,847 --> 00:08:04,645
and went for short walks in circles.
118
00:08:05,647 --> 00:08:08,480
And then, one day,
suddenly Peewee disappeared.
119
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:10,478
We docked in Sicily.
120
00:08:10,567 --> 00:08:12,478
I was going through customs.
121
00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:15,843
I noticed a strange odour
coming from my suitcase.
122
00:08:17,007 --> 00:08:21,239
I thought it was the veal shank
I was bringing for Mother's Day.
123
00:08:21,327 --> 00:08:23,921
But when the customs man
opened the suitcase,
124
00:08:24,007 --> 00:08:26,123
there was Peewee.
125
00:08:27,647 --> 00:08:29,877
Someone had stuffed him in my suitcase
126
00:08:29,967 --> 00:08:32,640
between the veal shank
and my beaver coat.
127
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:36,605
The Mob
had gotten Peewee after all.
128
00:08:36,687 --> 00:08:38,996
You must have been heartbroken.
129
00:08:39,087 --> 00:08:40,998
I was absolutely devastated.
130
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:45,683
I mean, first I had to burn
the suitcase and then the beaver coat.
131
00:08:45,767 --> 00:08:49,123
And the veal shank
never did taste right.
132
00:08:50,527 --> 00:08:52,677
Aunt Angela, you made that up.
133
00:08:52,767 --> 00:08:55,679
I'm 80. As long as I keep talking,
134
00:08:55,767 --> 00:08:57,997
I know my heart is still beating.
135
00:08:58,087 --> 00:09:01,079
Angela, may I offer you
something to eat?
136
00:09:01,167 --> 00:09:04,762
As long as it isn't veal.
It's not because of Peewee.
137
00:09:04,847 --> 00:09:06,838
I had some on the plane.
138
00:09:09,727 --> 00:09:11,877
Ma, what are you doing home?
139
00:09:11,967 --> 00:09:14,322
My shopping list is in the kitchen.
140
00:09:14,407 --> 00:09:17,717
There you are, Sophia.
She outsmarted me, Dorothy.
141
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,035
You're kidding.
142
00:09:21,927 --> 00:09:23,838
I mean, how is that possible?
143
00:09:23,927 --> 00:09:26,043
It wasn't my fault.
144
00:09:26,127 --> 00:09:30,803
We were backing down the driveway
and Sophia said I ran over Mrs Stofer.
145
00:09:30,887 --> 00:09:33,526
And you believed her?
146
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,518
I had to check.
147
00:09:35,607 --> 00:09:39,759
Last week I pinned her
to the fence on a right turn.
148
00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:41,758
I'll get my shopping list.
149
00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:43,758
I have your shopping list.
150
00:09:43,847 --> 00:09:47,396
Everyone is happy with
the possible exception of Mrs Stofer.
151
00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:49,557
Enjoy your shopping.
152
00:09:49,647 --> 00:09:52,764
Why don't I show Angela
where she'll be staying?
153
00:09:52,847 --> 00:09:56,237
Get yourself settled
and then we'll catch up on family.
154
00:09:56,327 --> 00:09:58,795
OK. You know, Blanche here could be
155
00:09:58,887 --> 00:10:01,401
the identical twin
of your cousin Apollonia.
156
00:10:01,487 --> 00:10:04,047
Apollonia was
a stunningly beautiful woman.
157
00:10:04,127 --> 00:10:06,038
Thank you.
158
00:10:06,127 --> 00:10:08,118
Except for that huge donkey butt.
159
00:10:21,007 --> 00:10:22,918
Hi, Ma, are you having fun?
160
00:10:23,007 --> 00:10:24,998
No, give me my present.
161
00:10:25,807 --> 00:10:29,766
Not until after we slice my
looks-like-chocolate, tastes-like-spice,
162
00:10:29,847 --> 00:10:33,078
you'Il-wish-you-had-
a-bigger-slice marble cake.
163
00:10:35,807 --> 00:10:39,482
- Know where it got its name?
- No, give me my present.
164
00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:42,478
I'll go get the candles.
165
00:10:42,567 --> 00:10:44,478
Rose, I've got to congratulate you.
166
00:10:44,567 --> 00:10:47,161
You made it
without giving away my present.
167
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,841
You stop trying to make me tell you.
168
00:10:49,927 --> 00:10:53,044
Relax, Rose.
Dorothy already told me what it is.
169
00:10:53,127 --> 00:10:55,880
- She did?
- Yeah, what a present.
170
00:10:55,967 --> 00:10:58,037
Boy, was I surprised.
171
00:10:58,127 --> 00:11:01,915
Dorothy, I didn't know you'd already
told Sophia her surprise was...
172
00:11:02,007 --> 00:11:03,725
Rose.
173
00:11:03,807 --> 00:11:05,718
All right, Ma.
174
00:11:05,807 --> 00:11:07,923
You'll get your present right now.
175
00:11:08,007 --> 00:11:10,840
I give up. You win. You always win.
176
00:11:10,927 --> 00:11:13,282
I know. Me and Mighty Mouse.
177
00:11:14,327 --> 00:11:16,397
All right, everybody, gather round.
178
00:11:16,487 --> 00:11:19,877
My daughter is about to give me
my big birthday surprise.
179
00:11:19,967 --> 00:11:23,676
I just want to say
happy birthday to my mother,
180
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,918
whom I love very, very much.
181
00:11:27,007 --> 00:11:30,795
And I just hope
that you love this present
182
00:11:31,807 --> 00:11:34,765
as much as I love giving it to you.
183
00:11:34,847 --> 00:11:36,838
OK, Blanche.
184
00:11:43,447 --> 00:11:44,436
Angela?
185
00:11:44,527 --> 00:11:46,518
No, Gina Lollobrigida.
186
00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:50,478
This is my surprise?
187
00:11:50,567 --> 00:11:51,556
Yes.
188
00:11:51,647 --> 00:11:55,686
- Happy birthday, Ma.
- Happy birthday?
189
00:11:55,767 --> 00:11:58,281
You call this old bag a present?
190
00:11:59,647 --> 00:12:03,356
You brought me all the way from Sicily
to be insulted?
191
00:12:03,447 --> 00:12:05,881
I hate that woman.
192
00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:07,958
I hate her double.
193
00:12:20,887 --> 00:12:22,798
- Did you get 'em talking?
- Nope.
194
00:12:22,887 --> 00:12:27,802
I just spent a half hour out in the hall
talking to two closed doors.
195
00:12:27,887 --> 00:12:33,325
Don't feel bad. Sometimes I talk to
the little pigs on my shower curtain.
196
00:12:33,407 --> 00:12:37,036
I was trying to talk to
my mother and Aunt Angela.
197
00:12:37,127 --> 00:12:40,039
But they wouldn't talk to me
or each other.
198
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:42,766
I have no idea what this is about.
199
00:12:42,847 --> 00:12:46,681
There's only one thing that turns
relatives into enemies. Jealousy.
200
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:51,761
I ought to know. You see,
I was a devastatingly beautiful child.
201
00:12:52,767 --> 00:12:56,123
Pink cheeks, cute little button nose,
202
00:12:56,207 --> 00:12:59,119
red ruby lips,
adorable, little ringlet curls.
203
00:12:59,207 --> 00:13:02,802
I was the tallest baby
in the history of New York
204
00:13:02,887 --> 00:13:06,562
and had a rash on my head
till I was two.
205
00:13:10,127 --> 00:13:12,721
My sister Charmaine
was insanely jealous of me
206
00:13:12,807 --> 00:13:15,367
from when
I was a gorgeous little infant.
207
00:13:15,447 --> 00:13:18,996
She was one year ahead
and we'd compete for everything.
208
00:13:19,807 --> 00:13:22,719
But there was one thing
Charmaine did excel at.
209
00:13:22,807 --> 00:13:24,399
Cheerleading.
210
00:13:24,487 --> 00:13:27,718
Not only could she twirl that baton
like a propeller,
211
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:30,037
but knew every cheer in the county.
212
00:13:30,127 --> 00:13:34,598
And she could twist her body
into the shape of an R.
213
00:13:39,807 --> 00:13:42,719
Charmaine decided
it was her turn in the spotlight.
214
00:13:42,807 --> 00:13:45,037
She challenged me
to compete against her
215
00:13:45,127 --> 00:13:47,357
for captain of the cheerleading squad.
216
00:13:47,447 --> 00:13:50,359
We had to perform
in front of the entire school,
217
00:13:50,447 --> 00:13:52,358
and Charmaine was fantastic.
218
00:13:52,447 --> 00:13:54,403
She twirled those batons so fast,
219
00:13:54,487 --> 00:13:58,196
she looked like a DC3
coming in for a landing.
220
00:13:58,287 --> 00:14:00,562
Then it was my turn.
221
00:14:00,647 --> 00:14:03,559
So I did some cartwheels
and only fell once.
222
00:14:03,647 --> 00:14:06,764
I did a handstand
and almost got my balance.
223
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:09,441
And I only dropped my baton four times.
224
00:14:09,527 --> 00:14:10,926
And when I was finished,
225
00:14:11,007 --> 00:14:14,556
I was unanimously voted
captain of the cheerleading squad.
226
00:14:14,647 --> 00:14:16,877
Blanche, how was that possible?
227
00:14:16,967 --> 00:14:19,481
Underneath my regulation uniform,
228
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:22,559
I was wearing little,
black French lace panties.
229
00:14:24,127 --> 00:14:26,687
Bearing the words "bonjour".
230
00:14:30,127 --> 00:14:32,118
Or was it "bon app�tit"?
231
00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:42,479
I don't remember.
Anyway, it was something in French.
232
00:14:42,567 --> 00:14:45,479
I guess, nobody minded
I couldn't do a handstand,
233
00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:48,320
but they surely
did appreciate me trying.
234
00:14:49,327 --> 00:14:51,238
I don't understand.
235
00:14:51,327 --> 00:14:55,161
Blanche, just once,
why couldn't you let your sister win?
236
00:14:55,247 --> 00:14:57,807
I told you.
Jealousy is a terrible thing.
237
00:14:57,887 --> 00:15:01,004
That'll teach Charmaine
to be Daddy's favourite.
238
00:15:01,087 --> 00:15:05,000
Girls, there is only one way
we're going to solve this problem.
239
00:15:05,087 --> 00:15:09,046
We have to find out
what Sophia and Angela are mad about.
240
00:15:09,127 --> 00:15:11,516
And then force them to settle it.
241
00:15:11,607 --> 00:15:13,837
It's like that old Scandinavian saying.
242
00:15:13,927 --> 00:15:17,522
"You can let two angry mackerel
fight it out in a purse,
243
00:15:17,607 --> 00:15:21,282
but don't plan on carrying
that purse to a formal affair."
244
00:15:29,047 --> 00:15:31,641
It loses a little in the...
245
00:15:31,727 --> 00:15:33,718
Translation.
246
00:15:34,727 --> 00:15:39,847
But the point of it is,
it's human nature to want to make up.
247
00:15:39,927 --> 00:15:41,838
People stay angry out of habit.
248
00:15:41,927 --> 00:15:46,682
If we can just get Angela and Sophia
to talk, they'll do the rest.
249
00:15:46,767 --> 00:15:49,042
- Sounds logical to me.
- To me, too.
250
00:15:49,127 --> 00:15:52,039
But don't forget
we're dealing with two old women
251
00:15:52,127 --> 00:15:56,040
who think that boils on a man
are a sign of virility.
252
00:15:56,127 --> 00:15:59,119
I mean,
logic doesn't exactly apply here.
253
00:15:59,207 --> 00:16:02,802
- At least we can give it a try.
- Rose is right.
254
00:16:02,887 --> 00:16:04,878
You take Angela, we'll take Sophia.
255
00:16:04,967 --> 00:16:07,197
Fine. At this point I'll try anything.
256
00:16:07,287 --> 00:16:10,643
I thought it was
the size of a man's feet
257
00:16:10,727 --> 00:16:12,683
that were a sign of virility.
258
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:15,361
I thought it was
the number of newspapers
259
00:16:15,447 --> 00:16:17,517
piled outside the motel room door.
260
00:16:21,327 --> 00:16:23,283
Aunt Angela, please.
261
00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:25,278
We have to talk.
262
00:16:25,367 --> 00:16:27,278
What's to talk about?
263
00:16:27,367 --> 00:16:29,278
Your mother's a stubborn old goat,
264
00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:34,202
who apparently pays a buck and a half
to have her hair done.
265
00:16:34,287 --> 00:16:38,838
- What is going on between you two?
- I don't want to talk about it.
266
00:16:38,927 --> 00:16:41,919
I spent weeks working on this surprise,
267
00:16:42,007 --> 00:16:46,762
only to have it blow up in my face.
I deserve to know why.
268
00:16:46,847 --> 00:16:48,758
OK.
269
00:16:48,847 --> 00:16:52,078
OK, you want to know so bad,
I'll tell you.
270
00:16:52,167 --> 00:16:54,158
Picture it.
271
00:16:55,167 --> 00:16:58,637
New York City. Christmas 1955.
272
00:16:58,727 --> 00:17:01,878
It's Francesca Ragouso's
annual Christmas bash.
273
00:17:01,967 --> 00:17:05,880
Everybody is there, eating,
drinking, guzzling the Pepto-Bismol.
274
00:17:05,967 --> 00:17:08,720
Francesca's a beautiful woman,
275
00:17:08,807 --> 00:17:12,482
but she makes a manicotti
like you could anchor a boat with.
276
00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:16,480
As usual Sophia's stationed
at the eggnog
277
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:21,004
and she's drinking right from the bowl
through a swizzle stick.
278
00:17:21,087 --> 00:17:24,318
My husband Carmine walks in
and passes under the mistletoe.
279
00:17:24,407 --> 00:17:28,320
She makes a beeline to him
and gives him such a kiss
280
00:17:28,407 --> 00:17:31,046
she practically
sucks the beard off his face.
281
00:17:31,127 --> 00:17:34,199
I don't remember
Uncle Carmine having a beard.
282
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:38,644
He was in a Santa suit
with one of those hook-on beards.
283
00:17:39,687 --> 00:17:42,963
I mean,
I can't believe what I'm looking at.
284
00:17:43,047 --> 00:17:47,962
I yank her into the pantry and I say,
"What do you think you're doing?"
285
00:17:48,047 --> 00:17:51,960
She says she thought Cunio
the bookmaker was in the Santa suit.
286
00:17:52,047 --> 00:17:54,845
I say, "That's a lie."
287
00:17:54,927 --> 00:17:57,202
We have a big fight about it.
288
00:17:57,287 --> 00:18:00,518
She denies the whole thing
and we never speak again.
289
00:18:00,607 --> 00:18:02,598
That was 30 years ago.
290
00:18:02,687 --> 00:18:05,679
Don't you think
you should talk to each other?
291
00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:08,520
I won't say one word
unless she apologises.
292
00:18:08,607 --> 00:18:10,916
That's the only reason I came here.
293
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,918
Aunt Angela, please.
294
00:18:13,007 --> 00:18:14,918
We're talking about family here.
295
00:18:15,007 --> 00:18:17,521
Won't you try to work it out?
296
00:18:17,607 --> 00:18:20,485
Do it for your favourite niece.
297
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:24,321
What's your cousin Graziella
got to do with this?
298
00:18:25,367 --> 00:18:28,245
Please, just do it. Please. Please.
299
00:18:28,327 --> 00:18:32,240
- Pretty please.
- All right. Don't beg.
300
00:18:32,327 --> 00:18:37,321
You sound just like your Uncle Carmine
after he'd been away on a goat drive.
301
00:18:38,687 --> 00:18:40,917
- You won't tell us?
- Nope.
302
00:18:41,007 --> 00:18:44,124
That's your choice,
but you're making a mistake.
303
00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:46,880
The same thing happened
in my family once.
304
00:18:46,967 --> 00:18:50,596
- My cousin Astrid...
- I'll tell you what happened.
305
00:18:51,647 --> 00:18:53,558
Picture it. New York City.
306
00:18:53,647 --> 00:18:55,877
Christmas, 1955.
307
00:18:55,967 --> 00:18:58,401
Francesca Ragouso's
annual Christmas bash.
308
00:18:58,487 --> 00:19:02,719
Everyone was there including the
neighbourhood heartthrob Salvadore.
309
00:19:02,807 --> 00:19:04,718
All the women adore Salvadore,
310
00:19:04,807 --> 00:19:07,924
the only guy in the room with a neck.
311
00:19:08,807 --> 00:19:11,719
Anyway, I'm feeling a little queasy.
312
00:19:11,807 --> 00:19:15,117
Francesca makes a great party,
but she bakes a manicotti
313
00:19:15,207 --> 00:19:17,163
you could anchor a boat with.
314
00:19:17,247 --> 00:19:19,317
So I go upstairs for a seltzer
315
00:19:19,407 --> 00:19:21,841
when suddenly Salvadore
grabs me from behind
316
00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:23,997
and begins passionately kissing me.
317
00:19:24,087 --> 00:19:28,717
Being a respectable married woman,
I cop a few good feels.
318
00:19:29,807 --> 00:19:33,038
I push him away
and run back to the party.
319
00:19:33,127 --> 00:19:38,042
I tell the only person in the world
I trust. My sister Angela.
320
00:19:38,127 --> 00:19:41,722
Five minutes later, everybody
at the party is talking about it.
321
00:19:41,807 --> 00:19:47,086
I drag Angela into the pantry and ask
her how she could betray her sister.
322
00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:49,920
We have a big fight,
she denies everything
323
00:19:50,007 --> 00:19:52,043
and we never speak again.
324
00:19:52,127 --> 00:19:54,721
But, Sophia, honey,
that was 30 years ago.
325
00:19:54,807 --> 00:19:57,560
Isn't it time to forgive and forget?
326
00:19:57,647 --> 00:20:00,207
Forget I do plenty. I never forgive.
327
00:20:00,287 --> 00:20:02,198
But Angela's your sister.
328
00:20:02,287 --> 00:20:06,803
If she wants to talk to me,
she knows where to find me.
329
00:20:06,887 --> 00:20:09,560
- In the closet.
- Ma.
330
00:20:09,647 --> 00:20:11,956
Angela has something she'd like to say.
331
00:20:13,687 --> 00:20:15,757
So does Sophia.
332
00:20:25,087 --> 00:20:26,076
Hello.
333
00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:28,078
Yeah, hello.
334
00:20:28,167 --> 00:20:30,078
Your hair got white.
335
00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:32,158
So did yours.
336
00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:35,078
You still got that cat?
337
00:20:35,167 --> 00:20:37,840
The same cat I had 30 years ago?
338
00:20:38,847 --> 00:20:40,838
Fine. You ask the questions.
339
00:20:40,927 --> 00:20:44,476
- Don't tell me what to do.
- Let's not lose our tempers.
340
00:20:44,567 --> 00:20:47,161
If you don't apologise,
why don't you leave?
341
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:49,681
- Why should I apologise?
- I'll tell you why.
342
00:20:49,767 --> 00:20:52,964
You're nothing but a backstabbing
Judas in sensible shoes.
343
00:20:53,047 --> 00:20:54,958
You know what you are?
344
00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:58,198
You're a two-lira tramp
with cheap bridgework.
345
00:20:59,247 --> 00:21:01,841
May you put your dentures
in upside down
346
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,918
and chew your head off.
347
00:21:05,407 --> 00:21:07,875
May your legs grow old and gnarled
348
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:10,083
and withered like an olive branch.
349
00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:12,806
You should be so lucky.
350
00:21:12,887 --> 00:21:16,562
May your moles grow hair thicker
than Jerry Vale's.
351
00:21:16,647 --> 00:21:20,162
May your marinara sauce
never cling to your pasta.
352
00:21:20,247 --> 00:21:22,283
That's it.
353
00:21:22,367 --> 00:21:25,165
Come here and say that to my face.
354
00:21:34,647 --> 00:21:37,241
Aunt Angela,
you really don't have to go.
355
00:21:37,327 --> 00:21:40,603
Dorothy, I'd like to stay,
but I hate your mother.
356
00:21:40,687 --> 00:21:43,759
Goodbye, ladies,
and thank you for everything.
357
00:21:43,847 --> 00:21:46,759
- She's still here?
- No, I left an hour ago.
358
00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:49,759
- What does it look like?
- At least say goodbye.
359
00:21:49,847 --> 00:21:52,486
Like civilized human beings.
360
00:21:53,727 --> 00:21:55,638
That's it. I give up.
361
00:21:55,727 --> 00:21:57,638
Ma, goodbye. Angela, let's go.
362
00:21:57,727 --> 00:21:59,638
No, wait.
363
00:21:59,727 --> 00:22:01,957
I have something I want to say.
364
00:22:02,047 --> 00:22:05,323
When I was a little girl,
there were two people
365
00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:09,116
I admired more than
anyone else in the world.
366
00:22:09,207 --> 00:22:11,323
My mother and my favourite aunt.
367
00:22:11,407 --> 00:22:16,322
Now the two of you are at each other's
throats and it's breaking my heart.
368
00:22:16,407 --> 00:22:19,843
So my mother kissed your husband
at some stupid party.
369
00:22:19,927 --> 00:22:21,838
What does it matter now?
370
00:22:21,927 --> 00:22:24,839
You realise that
this may be the last time
371
00:22:24,927 --> 00:22:26,883
you two see each other ever?
372
00:22:26,967 --> 00:22:30,323
Is this the way you want
things left between you?
373
00:22:30,407 --> 00:22:32,318
Wait. Are you referring to
374
00:22:32,407 --> 00:22:35,524
Francesca Ragouso's
Christmas party back in '55?
375
00:22:35,607 --> 00:22:37,837
The one where you kissed Carmine.
376
00:22:37,927 --> 00:22:41,237
What? I never kissed Carmine.
You never even kissed Carmine.
377
00:22:42,247 --> 00:22:44,522
I remember it like it was yesterday.
378
00:22:44,607 --> 00:22:46,518
You wore a green satin dress
379
00:22:46,607 --> 00:22:50,202
and a fringed shawl
which you did everything but sleep in.
380
00:22:50,287 --> 00:22:53,199
You're crazy.
I lent my shawl to Maria Fenestru.
381
00:22:53,287 --> 00:22:54,766
Who?
382
00:22:54,847 --> 00:22:57,077
Maria, the one with the huge breasts.
383
00:22:57,167 --> 00:23:01,160
There was no entertainment, so the men
pitched pennies into her cleavage.
384
00:23:02,167 --> 00:23:05,557
She walked off with $19
of my husband's hard-earned money.
385
00:23:06,807 --> 00:23:09,162
She was wearing the fringed shawl.
386
00:23:09,247 --> 00:23:12,842
Are you saying it was Maria
who came on to Carmine?
387
00:23:12,927 --> 00:23:14,838
Him and every other male there.
388
00:23:14,927 --> 00:23:17,157
So why am I mad at you?
389
00:23:17,247 --> 00:23:19,715
I'm mad at you. You betrayed me.
390
00:23:19,807 --> 00:23:22,844
I never betrayed anybody in my life.
391
00:23:22,927 --> 00:23:26,886
Bull. You told everybody
Salvadore de Milo tried to kiss me.
392
00:23:26,967 --> 00:23:30,243
- I never told a soul.
- Nobody else knew but you.
393
00:23:30,327 --> 00:23:33,399
We were alone
when I spilled my guts out.
394
00:23:33,487 --> 00:23:36,718
We weren't alone.
Vinny Jamala was drunk under the table.
395
00:23:36,807 --> 00:23:38,718
What are you talking about?
396
00:23:38,807 --> 00:23:40,718
I can't believe you don't remember.
397
00:23:40,807 --> 00:23:43,401
He threw up on your shoe.
398
00:23:44,407 --> 00:23:46,398
That was Vinny?
399
00:23:46,487 --> 00:23:50,321
He must have overheard everything.
He blabbed your secret.
400
00:23:50,407 --> 00:23:53,001
- Then you never betrayed me?
- Of course not.
401
00:23:53,087 --> 00:23:56,397
- You're my sister.
- Angela.
402
00:23:56,487 --> 00:23:57,886
Sophia.
403
00:24:00,207 --> 00:24:02,402
I don't believe this.
404
00:24:02,487 --> 00:24:06,366
- I think it's sweet.
- I think I'm going to cry.
405
00:24:06,447 --> 00:24:08,756
I think they should both be committed.
32018
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