All language subtitles for aaf-simpsons2015-1080p-en

The Simpsons.

And so in summary, there are
only two real commandments,

and the other
eight are just filler.

I knew it.
Yeah.

And now I have
some exciting news.

Tomorrow we'll be
blessed with a visit

from the highest ranking clergyman
of our Presbylutheran faith,

His Holiness,
the Parson!

The Parson?
He's coming here?

Oh, my God! She fainted!
Let's go get smelling salts.

Suckers!

Springfielders have
camped out all night

to get a glimpse of the most
saintly person to visit our town

since Mother Teresa stopped
here to gas up her Vespa.

And I'm selling all sorts
of faith-based knickknacks.

Let's take a look.

All kinds of gems.

Surprisingly, none of them have sold.
Except for this one.

There you have it. News
has never been softer.

What's that?
The Parson is here!

Oh, my God!
It's him!

The earthly embodiment of the elected
chair of the National Congress of Deacons!

Well, well, well.
Hello, everybody.

I hope you didn't go to all
this trouble for little old me.

Parson! Parson! Give us a quick
official church position on family.

Well, in these modern times,
family is more important than ever.

You just made my
moustache tingle.

Settle. Settle down.

Now, now. I am just a man like any
other, that has been chosen by God.

I have come here from our world spiritual
headquarters in Michigan City, Indiana,

to say, keep up
the good work.

And now if you'll excuse me, I'll do
a little speakin' with your deacon.

I love to go to
church It's where I like to be

I get a day in of praying
And still tee off by three.

Calm down, Tim.

He's just your old roommate
from Texas Christian.

He's like the
pope of this thing!

This would be like Mary Kay visiting
you when you were selling her cosmetics!

That is, if you
had stuck with it.

You asked me to quit because
I was making more than you.

Not now.
He's here.

Welcome,
Your Holiness.

You'll love what we've
done with the church.

There's fresh wax
on all the pews.

Sounds to me like somebody put
on more than just one coat.

Maybe.

Tim, is there somewhere
that we can talk?

Of course. My office.
Perfect.

Walking to your
office ls what I like to do.

Maybe while we're at it
We'll peek in at your pews.

Nilla Wafer?

I'll take two if
you don't mind.

Tim, I'm here because of a problem
with your last recertification.

When we tried to charge the filing fee
to your credit card, it was declined.

Oh, yeah.

The bank put on a security hold after they
saw a charge from an offshore poker club.

Helen had bought a fireplace
poker from Nova Scotia.

She says it shifts logs better than
American pokers, but I disagree.

We'll get through it.
We always do.

Well, love
conquers all, huh?

I remember when she was
Helen Schwartzbaum.

In fact, I remember when
she was Harold Schwartzbaum.

You what?
I've said too much.

But for the three months it
took your card to go through,

you weren't certified.

Anything you officiated during that
time, funerals, baptisms, even bingo,

well, it just
didn't count.

Well, I'm sure
the Lord is understanding.

No, he's not!

I'll notify those
affected right away.

Tea time.

What's going on? Helen,
I was briefly uncertified.

So all those graces
you said were a lie?

That food might as well have been
regurgitated by Satan himself.

Regurgitated by
Satan He couldn't keep it down.

Old 666, he got sick,
sick, sick.

And that's how
volcanoes were born.

Due to a
bureaucratic snafu,

I wasn't an official minister when
we laid your dear Estelle to rest.

So, she's
still alive?

I'm afraid not.

Good. Because I left
her ashes on the bus.

So, Captain, when I blessed
your vessel, it didn't count.

Maybe the next one!

So I'm afraid I wasn't a minister
when I blessed your tin roof shanty.

So that's why that ghost
keeps a-comin' to the window.

Afternoon.
Fly away, ghostie!

Go back to your
haunted cornfield!

Reverend Lovejoy, you deliver pizza now?
We didn't order a pizza.

But you forgot the pizza anyway. Marge,
the pizza place screwed up again!

You remember when I remarried you
two after Homer got that divorce?

Like it was yesterday.

Kirk and
Luann split up.

So, Homer, fearing we would do the
same, preemptively filed for divorce.

But then you re-married us
and we were as solid as ever.

And I think Apu got
lucky with my sister.

Well, I'm afraid
that joyous occasion

fell during a time when I
wasn't actually a minister.

Since that time, you two
have not been legally wed.

You don't get it, Padre. My old
lady and I have a thing going on.

We don't need a piece
of paper to keep it real.

Who are you calling
an old lady?

I need that
paper quick!

So, you and Mom aren't married?
Does that mean I'm a bastard?

You were born while they were married.
So, legally, no.

But in the sense someone calls
you one when they're angry, yes.

It's not a big deal.

We'll just go to City Hall
and get married there.

I think it's romantic.

You can pretend you're newlyweds
starting a life together.

Yeah, instead of exhausted
zombies running down the clock.

Why, you
little bastard!

That's the angry one.

This isn't the most romantic
place to get married.

Sweetie, any place I'm marrying you is
the most romantic place in the world.

Watch your back! Half a
corpse coming through!

Marge, this time I'm gonna give
you the wedding you deserve.

Let's get out of here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's
the line to get out.

MARGE'. AN.!

Hello? Hello. It's
me, Lance Romance.

Your first mission is
to look out the window.

Whatever you
say, Lance.

Whoa!

This is Bill and Marty saying,
"Marge, go down to the basement."

Homer, what's going on? The
violin, pants with a crease? Why?

Marge, you deserve a wedding
day that, unlike our children,

was planned
in advance.

So, will you
marry me in style?

Yes, Homer! Yes!

Did you hear that, Santa?
She said yes! Yes!

Now back to your
cold, airless tomb.

Oh! It's beautiful.

But that's an awful lot to pay
for a dress I'll only wear once.

Marge, a woman only gets one
chance at a second remarriage.

The choice is yours.

You can look like a fairy
princess or a pig wrapped in rags.

Uh... A princess? Fine.
We'll do it your way.

This one's a
little gay, isn't it?

Well, the last time lchecked,
pirates weren't gay.

How'd you check?

Check out this rocket
ship cake, Marge!

That's for a child's birthday.
We're going to get this one.

Maybe we could bury the
rocket ship inside the cake.

And that would be a big surprise because
I'd forget about it pretty quick.

No rockets! You can
pick the frosting.

Chocolate!
We'll take lemon.

Okay, I want white roses at the
altar, red roses along the aisle,

and blue roses in the centerpieces.
There are no blue roses.

I want to talk to Howard!
Howard died 10 years ago.

Well, did he take all
the blue roses with him?

My father was
a lovely man.

He took very good care
of my mother and me.

All right, people, I want every
table to have two baskets of bread

but only one
plate of butter.

That will stimulate
conversation.

What if we... There
is no "we" in wedding!

But there is, Marge.
The first two letters.

I can't believe you're ruining the
second Thursday before the wedding!

Homer!

I can't believe you told Lenny
and Carl they could bring dates.

'Cause they're not even
coming to the wedding.

Why not?

Because their RSVP cards arrived
one day after the deadline!

Marge, maybe you should take
a break from wedding planning.

I think you're becoming
a bridezilla!

Bridezilla?

A combination
of bride and Godzilla?

How could you say that? More
like you're a King Wrong!

No matter what I do,
Marge yells at me.

If she's like this now, what will
she be like after we get married?

Okay! Okay! Everyone, back off!
I want to see myself.

A pimple? Not on
my day, you don't.

Okay, it's go time.
Dim the lights.

Cue the band.

And release
the groom!

Homer, that's you!

We are now 11 seconds
behind schedule!

Homie?

I can't believe Homer
left me at the altar.

Marge, have
a shrimp puff.

Wipe your tears
with a monogrammed napkin.

MARGE'. ON.!

I know it is hard,

but smile for the cameraman
from Gary's Magic Moments.

You have my deepest sympathy.

What's going on?
What's with all the darkness?

Hello? Marge?
Where am I?

What the... I'm chained
up like a common bicycle!

Who would do
this to me?

It would have to be someone
who could afford a chain.

You're
going to be here awhile.

But I have to
marry Marge!

As of now, your pathetic
little life means nothing!

Just so you know, you're making
a pretty bad first impression!

It's all my fault.

Homer wanted to serve those
little cocktail hotdogs.

But, no! I had to
have spring rolls!

They taste like nothing.

I don't understand.

Dad would never miss an
open bar with chicken wings.

Plus, he loves Mom and us,
yadda-yadda-yadda.

Hey, I found
something!

Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob?

He ruined the wedding, getting
his revenge on us at last!

Because he knows that if Mom and Dad
don't get married, I'll never be born!

I've got some wedding registry
items for Mrs. Simpson.

I'm afraid I'm just
Ms. Simpson now.

Interesting nuance.

I'd like to hear more about it but
company policy forbids chitchat.

I miss you so much.

To remove that chain,
you need the key to the lock.

You idiot. How am I ever
gonna find the key to the...

Here it is.

To get the key, I have to
lick through a lollipop?

How awful!

What the... The lollipop
is made of hot sauce.

Oh! Whose side
are you on?

Sideshow Bob, drop that
knife and give back our dad!

I'm working on a bust of Krusty and
using this knife to aerate the clay.

Anyone for a peppermint tea?
Not for me.

But the monkey needs to
keep his strength up.

We're gonna drop him out of a blimp
tomorrow and see what happens.

Don't worry. Nothing's gonna happen
to you, Mr. Teeny number seven.

Bob, did you take any breaks
yesterday to kidnap our dad?

Impossible. I was with
Bob the whole day!

Then we watched the deluxe DVD
of The House of Sand and Fog.

At night, we slept in
the same bed for warmth.

Then we woke up, had a little nosh,
watched The House of Sand and Fog again,

with commentary.

The director was an ass.

Fine. But how do
you explain this?

Nice of you to think of me.
However, "SB" could be anyone.

Scott Baio, the Sultan of Brunei,
the former Polish secret police,

the Sluzba
Bezpieczenstwa. Or...

Marge, I miss you!

I miss you so much.

Wait till he finds out the key isn't
the key, but just a hotter sauce.

I'm gonna say this
for the last time.

Bart, if this is one of
your pranks, very funny.

Maybe we should
let him out soon.

Not till Marge
dumps him for good.

Hey, lame-o. Ready for
some fun with fire ants?

What's fun about fire ants? They're...
Oh. You're being sarcastic.

Wow. You're the smartest
guy in that room.

Thank you. That's very...
Oh! More sarcasm.

Just see that my fiancée, Marge,
gets this, my wedding vows.

"Marge, I hope this day is as perfect
for you as the day we met was for me.

"You always find the one grain of
sugar in the saltshaker that is I.

"With each marriage,
I get a little better.

"Maybe after a thousand,
I'll be worthy of you."

I miss you. I miss the kids. God
help me, I even miss your sisters!

Poor guy.
He loves her so much.

Excuse me.

But I have been waiting 45 minutes for
you to slide my license over to me.

Closed!

Okay, you are hereby
banned from my store.

You will have to shop at the
Kwik-E-Mart across the street from me!

You know, the much nicer,
much newer one.

Good day to you!

Mom! Mom! We know
where Dad is.

He's right here. I'm
not sure what happened.

I was kidnapped, then tortured, then I
fell into a surprisingly sound sleep.

When I awoke,
I felt refreshed.

Then I was blindfolded,

and two sobbing trolls threw
me out of a van onto our lawn.

I'm just happy
you're back.

Now let's get that
chain off you.

Won't it dry up in a few days
and fall off in the bath?

I've missed
yournonsense.

Now there's no evidence
to tie us to the kidnapping.

And we've got a one-year
lease on that torture room.

So maybe we can put
a tanning bed in there.

We know it was you,
Selma Bouvier!

Would you kids like cookies? Let
your Auntie Patty make some cookies.

We don't want
your cookies.

What she means is, we'll
eat your cookies later.

If you don't want us
to tell our mom what you did,

you're gonna have to pay.

Pay?
Pay for what?

Ask her. She's the brains. I'm
the thing that's not the brains.

And with the inking and application of this
stamp, you are officially married. Next.

I'm sorry, honey.

I wanted so badly to
give you a fancy wedding.

Homer, one thing
I've learned is that

you don't need a fancy wedding when
you're marrying the man you love.

Just what I always wanted!

A rocket ship wedding cake!
Just what I always wanted!

We emptied our
401 s for this?

Zoom. Zoom.

Oh! Blue roses!

Yes. It took a lot of
frantic genetic engineering,

but eHIQV-

No! You're a plant now!

ENGLISH - US - PSDH