All language subtitles for aaf-simpsons2013-1080p-en

The Simpsons.

For centuries,

man has been ruled
by science and industry.

But that era is
drawing to a close.

We stand on the cusp
of a new epoch,

one of prophecy, puzzles

and signs in the sky.

And that epoch begins today.

Our top story, today
Springfield will experience

a rare total eclipse
of the sun.

A solar eclipse is like a woman
breastfeeding in a restaurant.

It's free, it's beautiful, but under
no circumstances should you look at it.

We recommend using
a homemade camera obscura

fashioned from an ordinary
shoebox and paper towel tube.

This was supposed to be pre-made.
Fine, I'll do it myself!

Where's the end of
the frigging tape?

Forget it!
We'll do it next week!

The eclipse is today.

There's an eclipse when
I say there's an eclipse!

Okay, people,
we've hit penumbra.

Brace yourselves for umbra.

I'm gonna see it first.

No! I'm gonna see it first.

Hit the road, you big load!

MY Space toy!

It's okay, Homie.
You can have my viewer.

But, Mom,
you'll miss the eclipse.

There'll be another one
in North Yemen in 2027.

We have totality, people.

We'll be talking about this
together for years.

- For years!
- For years!

I finally feel
like part of a family.

Oh! I can't miss out.
Just one little peek.

It's beautiful.

Now, Marge,
your eyes must stay

completely covered
for two full weeks.

Don't worry, honey. I'll
be your seeing-eye Homer.

We're in some kind
of doctor room.

Bunch of stuff
on the walls.

It's kind of hard to describe.
I'm gonna take my break now.

Now, Simpsons, I must warn
you, any stress could increase

the blood pressure in Marge's
eyeballs, leading to what we call.

Tex Avery Syndrome.

Wolves are taking
all our women.

You guys have treated me
like a princess.

Every day's been like the first
10 minutes of Mother's Day.

You just rest those rods
and coddle those cones.

Everything's taken care of.

Dad, come in
the kitchen, quick!

Is there any other way
to enter a kitchen?

Aw... Rats in the kitchen,

just like that delightful
movie I taped in the theater.

He's controlling
me with my hair,

using me to cook a delicious sole
meuniére with a celery root purée

and carrots Vichy.

Mmm. This is good.

Good but not great.
I'll go get some rat poison.

There you go. This'll kill those
dirty rats and the clean ones, too.

That's not candy, sweetheart.

What is it with kids and
candy-colored poison, huh?

No, you stupid dog!
That's Maggie's bunny!

Not in front of
the poison man!

Whoever is biting me,
stop it!

Why did I bring the baby and
the dog to the poison store?

Oh, how am I gonna get
us all across this river?

A boat!

We're too heavy.

Let's see. I need to
get the baby, the dog,

and the poison
across the river,

but I can only take
one thing at a time.

I can't leave the baby
alone with the poison.

And I can't leave the dog
alone with the baby.

Can't someone help me
with this puzzle?

Professor Frink,
help me figure this out!

Yo! Over here!

What?

Great time to nap, Einstein!

Okay. Maggie, dog, poison, you're
all involved, so listen up.

First, I row Maggie over,
leaving the dog and the poison.

Then I row back alone,
take the poison over

and bring Maggie back. Then I
take the dog over, come back,

get Maggie, row across, and before
I know it, I'm back at home.

Were you listening at all?

CLETUSI Sir?

I'd be obliged to you
if you'd help me puzzle out

my fox, duck
and corn situation.

Well, the puzzle done
puzzled itself out.

Now I need to leave you
where you'll be safe,

under the watchful
eyes of God.

And I'll be
watching you, too,

in case God's busy
making tornadoes

or not existing.

I see you!

I see you!

Look at that.

One of God's
discarded miracles.

Catholics!

Give me my baby back!

Sir, our mission
is quite clear.

Why would you leave such a
beautiful baby on our doorstep?

Because she was fighting my
dog and stealing my poison.

Now give her back so I can take
her home to my rat-infested house.

No. The poor dear is
right where she belongs.

Come on, lady. Have a heart!

I'm sure your husband
does stupid things sometimes.

I'm married to Jesus!

Yeah, right.

And I'm married
to Wonder Woman.

Kids, I have to tell
your mom I lost Maggie.

But Dr. Hibbert said
not to stress her out.

Wait! I have an idea.

One of us can go undercover as a
nun and infiltrate the convent.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no!

There is no way
Homer Simpson's

gonna put on a dress
and act like a nun.

Told you there was
no way I would do it.

Are you sure you don't want me to do it?
Because I can do it!

I got the outfit right here.

Dad, leave, so I can
get into character.

Hello. I'm a poor little
sinner who's lost her way.

May I join your order?

How do you feel
aboutkneefing?

Can't get enough.

You're in.

Finally, you must wear your
habit modestly at all times,

not like Sister Marilyn.

The nursery!

If you're happy
and you know it That's a sin.

If you're happy and you
know it That's a sin.

Where's Maggie?

Mother Superior, are those all
the babies in our orphanage?

Looking for more
unwanted babies, are you?

Well, next week's nine months
after the prom.

They'll be stacked up
to the ceiling.

No. I was just thinking you
might have some in the back

you haven't put out yet.

Oh, a doubting Thomas,
are you?

Well, more of
a Curious George.

Well, little monkey,

it's time for you
to spend some time

with the Man in
the Yellow Hat.

Why would Mother Superior lie
to me about not having Maggie?

What is going on?

A jewel.
Why would nuns want a jewel?

Find the jewel,
find what you desire.

The jewel will lead me to my baby sister?
Why are you telling me this?

Because I'm sick of
that Mother Superior.

Whenever we play football,
she has to be quarterback.

Now you must solve
a series of clues.

You mean an increasingly difficult
series of challenges to my intellect?

That's so cool.

Plus, you find your sister.
Oh, sure.

Your first clue.

And before you decide to
become a nun, consider this.

I am only 23.

That's Latin. "Deum" is God. And
of course "quaerite" means seek.

"Seek God with
heart and soul."

Heart and Soul!

I fell in love
with you Heart and soul.

Homie, I haven't held Maggie all day.
Can you hand her to me?

No problem, sweetie.

Ooh! Mommy's little baby
is getting big and chubby.

Who's a chubby baby?

But that doesn't mean that you
can't have a little dinner.

Hmm. You're not
usually this greedy.

Cool it.
She's getting suspicious.

You cool it!
I'm hungry!

Cryptic message. Maybe this
will lead me to the gem.

Hmm. What if I read
every other word?

That's not very nice.
I will try again

but not because
the wall told me to.

Big ring.

Big ring.

So many rings.

But which one is the key
to finding the gem?

Well, did you get it?

No. I'm not a smart nerd.
I'm just a weak nerd.

The biggest ring
in Springfield

comes from the bell in the
Springfield bell tower!

Good night, Bart.

I'll be right in, Lisa!

Good night, Lisa.

Good night.

Ooh! Jazz.

Keep going and I'll scat.

Principal Skinner?
Comic Book Guy?

What are you doing here?

Following you.
We seek the gem of St. Teresa.

Oh. Well, I seek it so
I can find my sister.

How do you know
about the gem?

We are an ancient order
of mystery buffs

who hide in shadow and call
ourselves The Brethren of the Quest.

Because we do our sleuthing in
Mother's Nissan Quest minivan.

Tell me all you know
about the gem.

Never!

Does your mother know
you're using her minivan?

You see, legend has it that on
her deathbed, St. Teresa of Avila

had a vision of a jewel that would
usher in an era of peace and harmony.

She dispatched a team
of nuns to the New World

to seek this fabulous gem.

They landed at what
is now Philadelphia,

and used the timbers of their
ship to construct a convent.

The order flourished, never
forgetting its sacred mission.

But word about
the gem got out,

and a group of high-ranking
Freemasons led by Benjamin Franklin,

George Washington,
and King George III

staged a phony war
of independence

to cover their search
for the gem.

Fleeing the violence, the nuns of St.
Teresa's left the colonies

and settled here
in Springfield.

Legend and Wikipedia have it

that the gem
will be revealed

during the first full moon
after a solar eclipse.

That's tonight!

One question remains.

Why did you come here?

Because I cleverly
deduced the answer

to Springfield's
biggest ring.

Well, it gives me no pleasure to
say your deduction was faulty!

This is a fake,
papier-méché bell.

The real bell was melted
down in World War ll

to make Civil War chess sets,

four of which I own.

Oh, my God!

I know what the biggest ring
in Springfield is!

It's been right in front
of us the whole time.

Ah. Ah, yes. I see it.

I see it, too.
Let's head that way.

We'll walk or drive
to the obvious solution.

Oh, the word "ring"!

Well, well, if it isn't the
Tardy Boys and Nancy Clueless.

Mr. Burns?
What are you doing here?

I've known about
the gem for years.

You see, my dear girl, I joined the
Freemasons before it was trendy.

That's my eyeball on the dollar bill.
That's also my pyramid.

Hence, I trailed you
on your quest,

accompanied by my
faithful albino.

I keep telling you,
I'm not an albino!

I just use a lot
of sun block.

Then why do I give you all the
albino holidays off? Hmm? Hmm?

Look! There's writing
on the

Everything is writing
to you young people.

From this angle
they're words.

Great crimes kill holy sage?

The puzzle is solved. We must
warn the holy sage at once!

No! That's not it.

A secret message this awkwardly
worded is always an anagram.

Fine. Then you unscramble
those letters

to spell out
the location of the gem

while you two dig
your own graves.

Superman, I have
believed in you for years.

If you can hear me now, please
come help me dig this giant grave.

So the anagram spells...

So the gem is inside you?

Sir, stop. She is the gem.

Of course.

St. Teresa wouldn't be
interested in a mere bauble.

Her greatest treasure
would be a pure young girl.

You are pure, aren't you?

Does kissing Milhouse count? No.

No.

It all adds up. I am the gem
that will bring world peace.

How brilliant of God
to remove my skepticism

by making me
his chosen one!

According to legend, the gem must be
brought to the convent by sunrise.

We could make it if we took
Mr. Burns' helicopter.

Hmm. I don't really
want you people inside.

But you could dangle
from the skids.

Deal.

It feels good to help
someone, doesn't it, sir?

No. It feels weird.

Look who's here!

Fine, fine. Finish your song.
I can be patient.

After all,
I am the Gem Child.

Hush, you foolish girl!

The gem is over there.

Maggie? No, no, no.
The solution was,

"Regally,
the rock gem is Lisa."

Oh, please. How many sentences
start with the word "regally"?

This one.

Oh, give me that!

"It's really
Maggie, Sherlock."

You know, I have to point out
that this only makes sense,

if I get
the wrong answer first.

I said hush!

Now begins a new era of peace
and prosperity for Springfield.

Come on, man! That's the fifth
call you've missed today!

That's it! You're out of...

Just set it to massage.

Something tells me
the Gem of St. Teresa

has been returned
to its throne.

Maggie, it's true!
You are the Gem Child!

Four centuries of pafientsacflfice
has finally paid off.

All is peace and harmony.

Give me my baby back!

Mom, how did you know
Maggie was here?

A mother knows!

Maggie, you're coming
home with me.

Mom, wait!
Maggie is the Gem Child!

She's brought peace
to our town

and reports of less road
rage in Shelbyville.

She has to stay here.

Well, it would be nice if the first
thing I saw was a world at peace.

You're even more beautiful
than I remembered.

I'm sorry.

But I know God
would never ask

a mother to sacrifice
her child

for the good of the world

again.

Maybe I'm just being selfish.
I don't know.

No, Marge. You're the most
giving person I know.

Besides, I gave them
another Gem Child

to sit on their
precious throne.

Step aside, ladies.
I'm bringing the peace.

I am so
staying up past my bedtime.

English - US - PSDH