Original subtitles

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

Subs by kinglouisxx for www.MY-SUBS.com

When the hell are the pizzas getting here?

My stomach just growled at me like Cocaine Bear.

It might be my fault that they're taking forever.

I ordered a vegan one with cauliflower crust

and tapioca cheese.

And then for the meat, they got to use,

like, a soy isolate. I don't know.

- As a veterinarian... - Ugh.

I appreciate your vegan values.

But as a hungry man, I think you should always eat alone.

If I may paraphrase Nathan Hale,

I may not agree with Darlene calling it a pizza,

but I will defend with my life her right to eat that crap.

No, Nathan Hale said,

"I regret that I have but one life to lose for my country."

The "defend my life" thing was Rousseau.

Oh, Darlene.

We are never so stupid as when we are trying to be smart.

The "defend my life" quote is by Voltaire.

Oh, Becky.

We're never so stupid as when we're trying

to prove somebody else stupid.

It was Rousseau.

No, no, Becky's right. It was Voltaire.

And Becky is the winner

of "stupid stuff we don't care about

"but interrupts 'The Golden Bachelor, '

which we do care about because that old man deserves love."

Oh, big whoop, Becky got one thing right.

Doesn't make her a genius.

Oh, the fact that I always got better grades than you

and now I'm in college working toward my master's

is why you think I'm a genius.

- Oh! - Ooh!

It's fine. She can do her sad little victory lap later

in the room that I rent her.

Oh-ho! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

I'm still kind of new to the family.

- Should I have ooh'd? - Uh, depends.

You want to be part of the family or some outsider weirdo?

Darlene, I can't tell if you're green with envy

or the lead in an elementary-school version

of "Wicked."

You think I'm jealous of you because you were

an honor student 30 years ago?

I read, I watch documentaries, I listen to podcasts

and not just the ones I agree with.

I also choke down the horrible ones so I can make fun of them

with veracity.

"Veracity." Big word. Look it up.

Well, that was a completely normal reaction.

Good luck with that later.

Ah, sometimes she brings the angry to bed,

which I don't mind.

Better than when she brings the sad.

What's everybody doing over here?

Waiting for pizzas and trying not to visualize

that thing that Ben just said.

- Dan, what's that? - What's what?

Is that a reflective vest?

I'd ask if you're a crossing guard,

but I've seen you lay on the horn to scatter kids

as you blow through a school zone.

Oh, my God.

That was you I saw on the side of the road picking up trash.

Are you doing community service?

Community service?

You're the one who defaced the sign

to make it say "Welcome to LAN-Turd."

This isn't for the DUI you took for me, is it?

I gave you 500 bucks for a lawyer to get you out of that.

Something came up, and I needed the money.

Something more important than your DUI?

It's none of your business, Neville.

And I'm paying the price for it, case closed.

Well, usually when you give people money

for something specific,

you just want to know that that's what they spent it on.

But I guess you don't mind a little sleight of hand.

You call me a grifter again,

we're going to have a big problem.

Oh, look, everybody in the hot tub

is fishing around with their feet for somebody's dentures.

I'm not calling you a grifter this time, Dan,

but you did lie to me.

You call me a liar in my own house, those people on TV

won't be the only ones looking for their teeth.

And now you're threatening me. That's it. I'm out.

Oh, come on, Neville.

Hey, take a breath, man! We just ordered pizza.

Oh, sorry, you're right.

I haven't paid for my share of it yet.

Um, here you go.

There you go.

I just paid for it in Dan bucks.

Okay, well, everybody, it's been a lovely evening,

but we really got to run.

No, seriously, we have to run.

6x05 - When Sisters Collide and The Return of the Grifters

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

What are you doing here?

I'm letting Harris run The Lunch Box today.

The Red Hat Ladies started meeting there,

and they're trying to recruit me,

and it's all about positivity and friendship and fun.

And I thought, mm, what's the kryptonite to that?

Darlene.

Well, I don't care for friendship and fun,

and I won't stand for it.

Hi, Mom and Aunt Jackie, for some reason.

- Mom, this is Cash and London. - Oh.

Sounds like a Guy Ritchie movie.

It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Conner.

Thank you for preparing all this great food for us.

Oh, please, call me Darlene.

And it's nice to meet you guys, too, even if you are lying.

Okay, I guess we all know the food is pretty bad.

Even the stoners say this stuff will kill you.

Well, we do have banana-berry smoothies now,

if you guys would like something a little healthier.

Actually, Darlene, it's not really healthier.

We learned in biochemistry that the benefits

of the polyphenols in the berries

are mitigated... you know, lessened...

by the enzymes in the banana.

Well, Cash, all of the benefits are mitigated...

you know, lessened...

by the scoop of preservative-filled ice cream

that we dump in there.

Oh, I just thought you might want to know.

Now you can share my little food fact with people

and sound smart.

Wow.

Uh, you know what they might find interesting?

A few blows to the head with this tray.

No, don't kill them.

- Oh, don't kill them? - No, no, no, no, no.

- Don't. Okay. - No.

No, I-I just started hanging out with them.

They didn't mean anything by it.

Yes, they did. They're assuming that I'm uneducated

because I'm serving food back here with an apron on.

It it's so classist.

I mean, I went to college. I was a magazine writer.

I know stuff.

God, what is it with everybody? Do I look stupid?

That wasn't rhetorical.

Okay, look, my friends are being jerks.

I'll go talk to them. But please don't hurt them.

We need them for trivia tonight.

Hey. Where do you guys play trivia?

At The All Nighter. It's a college hangout bar.

- And, no, absolutely not. - You know what?

Maybe I don't need you to talk to your friends.

Oh, God, it's in slow motion, and I can't stop it.

I'm going to this trivia night,

and I'm going to crush their little brains

with my superior knowledge.

And then you hit them with this.

Oh, don't kill them.

Oh, thanks for swinging by the wholesaler.

I was desperate for new cutlery.

Yeah, you got it, hon.

Yeah, I was down a few forks because the customers

keep bending the tines in the rib eye.

That new cook is grilling them too long.

But I guess they like them tougher in prison

than we do on the outside.

So can I make you something to eat?

Uh, no, no. I'll... I'll see you at home.

Why? What's the matter?

Honestly, I don't want to run into Dan.

Oh, you're still mad about the money?

Jackie, he took what I gave him

and didn't use it for what he said he would... not cool.

Okay, so he said he was going to use

the money for one thing and used it for something else.

It's Chicago. We vote for people like that.

Well, I don't give anyone a break for lying,

not even family.

I learned that from my father.

I thought you always told me

your father was never around to teach you anything.

Well, he taught me by example.

He lied when he missed my tap-dancing recital,

my blue-ribbon hog at the 4-H Pork-A-Palooza,

my winning yodel at Oktoberfest...

No, I know, it was bad. It's bad.

Because a boy like that needs a dad around

to teach him how to defend himself.

I just... I can't stand being around liars, Jackie.

Spend as much time with your family as you want,

but Dan is not welcome at our place.

And I am never going over to his.

I am done with him.

You know, when I told you

I wanted you to be more assertive,

that was only supposed to be when you agree with me!

The super-intense lady over there ordered you guys

a round of Shirley Temples.

See, now we're in their heads...

- Mm. - Reminding them

they're only children about to run into a trivia buzzsaw.

Sometimes I can't believe

that you're a mom.

Hey, everyone, thanks for coming

to Trivia Night at The All Nighter.

Just a reminder... we play "Jeopardy!"-style rules.

The team that answers correctly gets first crack

to answer the next question.

Okay, let's do a warm-up drill.

- Ask me any question. - Okay.

Uh, what's your sister doing here?

Okay.

What is "the first line of dialogue in most porn movies"?

That's right, but that's not what I meant.

- Becky, why are you here? - Oh.

My friends and I come here on Thursdays after class.

Oh, friends are people who enjoy spending time with you.

What are you doing here?

Reminding Mark's little pals that there's a brain

underneath the hairnet that serves them lunch.

Oh, it's going to be pretty embarrassing

when that brain loses in trivia to its superior sister brain.

No way.

I'm going to drown you all in my tsunami of brilliance.

Sorry, sis. You're Toast Malone.

Uh, just so you know, I'll be cheering for Darlene,

but inside, I think...

this is sad for everyone.

So, hey, thanks again for stopping by to fix the stools.

They've gotten pretty loose.

When you serve booze, you have to know who to cut off,

and that's hard when everybody's wobbling

like Weebles.

You know...

quite a coincidence that all these screws were loose

by exactly two turns.

- When's Neville getting here? - Neville? Who's Neville?

Oh, right, Neville.

Yeah, he should be here any second,

but just to pick me up after work, like he always does.

So he's also a pawn in this little game of yours?

Please, just go with it.

Hey.

Ugh.

I should have known something was up

when you said if I came in,

you'd have a sexy surprise for me.

And here I am.

- And I'm leaving. - No, I'm leaving.

I'm the one who's mad, and I want to slam the door.

Nev... Neville.

Jeez, please, talk to him.

You're the two most important men in my life.

You always said that was me and Paul Dano.

Honey.

Dan's not your dad, okay?

I just really need you to work this out.

All right. Fine.

Are we just going to stand here

and stare at each other all night?

Why did you lie to me about what you did with the money?

I did something stupid. Now I have to make good on it.

So you ran into a problem.

Why didn't you take me aside and tell me?

What's the point? I'm clearly a con man.

For the last 50 years, I've lain in wait

for Jackie to marry a doctor

just so I could swindle him out of $500.

But I wasn't counting on the likes of you!

All right, everyone, just a quick score update for you...

"Laurence O-triv-ier" is out.

So in first place, we have team "Alex TreBecky"...

Yeah!

Followed by "Hold me Closer, Tiny Answer."

"Mark Spitz Facts," this question is to you.

"Plutophobia is the fear of what?"

Uh...

plutophobia is the fear of Pluto.

Is it a planet? Is it an asteroid?

Is it a cartoon dog?

Nobody knows, and they're afraid of it.

I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

Oh, the question goes to "Hold Me Closer, Tiny Answer."

Plutophobia is the fear of having money,

the one mental disorder missing in my family.

That is correct.

Yes!

And with that question,

"Alex TreBecky" and "Tiny Answer"

are tied for the top score, which means it's sudden death.

Well, you're gone.

And you're as good as dead.

But don't worry... I'll visit your grave.

"Beloved mother, sister, trivia loser."

Yours will just say, "Finally."

Okay, "Tiny Answer," this is for the game.

"What is the name of the daughter

in a popular TV comedy who is known for being a vegan?"

Oh. Oh, I know this. I know this.

Come on.

- I know this! - I know!

God, it sounds so familiar.

Ten seconds.

Okay, she lives in a working-class town.

She's got that mom with the funny voice

and the dad who drinks a lot of beer.

Five seconds.

Oh, my God, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Oh, I'm so sorry. You're out of time.

Oh, the question goes to "Alex TreBecky."

Buh-bye.

The answer is that mystery-solving vegan, Velma,

from Scooby-Doo.

Ruh-roh.

The correct answer is Lisa Simpson.

That guess was more embarrassing

than not getting it at all.

God, you're so jealous of me, it's humiliating.

No, what's humiliating is being a 48-year-old woman

at a college trivia night.

Oh, honey, you're going to regret that one.

No, what's humiliating is trying to beat

your son's friends at a college trivia night.

- Screw you! - Oh! Oh!

Where are you? I can't see you because I'm...

I'm blinded by your wit!

Okay, this is a friendly game.

- You need to leave. - Yeah, you hear that?

- You should leave. Go. - He's talking to you!

- Bye! - He's talking to you!

- Bye! - You!

- Bye! - You!

Both of you!

- Now. - You.

I'm right behind you.

Just got to pay the bill

and explain how the Buffalo wing sauce

interacted with your medication.

What the hell is wrong with you?

There is nothing wrong with me.

You're just being a jerk lately.

You always think I'm a jerk, so what's different now?

Lately, everybody's treating me like I'm a dummy.

Even Mark's friends are talking down to me.

And you never miss an opportunity

to make fun of my job.

I never said anything bad about your job.

- I know why you're doing it. - Oh, whatever.

I'm sure you say it behind my back.

If I'm gonna slam you, I'm gonna do it to your face.

I want to see that little flash of hurt.

It's like whipped cream on top of a brownie.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

You know, your life wasn't supposed to be getting better

while mine was getting worse.

You got to be kidding me.

I spent so much time screwing up my life,

it took me forever to get here.

I was kind of hoping that you'd just be happy for me.

Well, I was kind of hoping that, too.

It would make me a much better person.

Look, this is hard for me to admit...

but the only reason I'm doing so well is because of you.

You convinced me to go back to school.

You gave me and Beverly Rose a place to live.

My successes are your successes.

Does that mean my failures are also your failures?

You have so little, why don't you keep those for yourself?

You knew you would be way overqualified for your job,

but that doesn't make you a less intelligent person.

Yeah, but I just don't feel sharp.

I mean, Voltaire, Rousseau... I used to know all that stuff.

Now I'm on autopilot every day,

and I'm just not being challenged right now.

You know, you need to find other ways

to engage your mind.

A lot of people your age, they like the Jumble.

Before you slam the door in my face,

I'm sorry I got so mad.

You're being all vague about something

that you think I can't understand,

but I don't understand what it is

I'm not supposed to be understanding.

If you're going to babble a bunch of nonsense,

have the decency to do it a little drunk.

Come on in.

I'll get your beer.

Oh, hey, Crystal.

I had no idea you were still up.

Oh, uh, Dan, I didn't know you had company.

We can talk another time.

Wait, I know you. I've seen pictures.

You're Jackie's husband, Neville.

Neville, this is Crystal, my dad's widow.

I've heard so much about you.

Aren't you also Dan's wife's brother?

Yes, I am.

You guys don't fish in too many different ponds, do you?

She just got out of the hospital.

She's going to stay with us for a couple of weeks.

We don't want to keep you up, Crystal.

No, I'm feeling better, thanks to you.

Dan's the only good thing

my worthless bastard of a husband ever gave me.

Dan coming up with the money to help me pay my medical bills

was a lifesaver.

It's no big deal, Crystal.

I think it's time for you to go to bed.

Nice to meet you, Neville.

They gave me a gummy for my pain,

and I'm starting to hear colors.

Well, the further I get into this family,

the more questions I have.

That's what she didn't want me to tell anybody about.

But apparently Earl Grey and a gummy changed her mind.

I used the 500 to buy her heart medicine.

She was embarrassed to be taking a handout.

That is very generous, Dan,

but I would have understood that.

When she was married to my dad,

she noticed her ankles started swelling.

And my dad didn't want to pay for a bunch of expensive tests,

so he convinced her all she needed was diuretics.

Wow. He did that to his own wife?

He was always trying to beat the system.

He talked me into getting them from my doctor,

and like a fool, I went along with it,

and she never got tested.

What was actually wrong with her?

Congestive heart failure.

Just found out about a year ago.

And I carry some of the blame for that.

Oh, that's not on you, man. Your dad talked you into it.

But I'm starting to understand

why the word "grifter" bothers you so much.

Yeah, I had stuff with my dad, too.

Yeah, Louise told me he was a real piece of work.

Why do you think I give all my love to animals, hmm?

A cow never lied to me about why he couldn't come

to my yodeling competition.

You yodeled?

Boy, talk about stuff you don't want to tell people.

You'd think at our age, we still wouldn't be dealing

with daddy issues, you know?

Thank God we have great partners who...

you know, put up with our baggage.

Here's to the men who ruined us

and the women just damaged enough to want us.

Darlene!

What do you say to a beer, Darlene?

I'd say, bring your friend Tom Collins,

'cause I'm in the mood for a throuple.

I got to ask you, Darlene,

what do you get out of beating these kids

at trivia every week.

Hmm, I'm not sure.

Let me ask my friend.

Oh, Mr. Collins would like to know

why you're standing here yammering at me

when you've got a game to start.