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Oh, you figure out why your truck won't start?

The gas gauge is frozen on full, but the tank is empty.

Why gas?

Why couldn't it have been something less expensive,

like a new engine?

It's bad, guys.

It's bad.

I just got off the phone with my mom's credit card company.

They know she didn't make the charges.

Well, they don't know it's us, right?

No, not yet, but they're digging.

I tried to throw them off the scent by telling them

she's got dementia, but they talked to her.

And they said, to them, she didn't sound so... so bad.

She sounded fine. Fine.

The woman thinks you're Davy Jones from The Monkees.

If they find out, what's the worst

that could happen to you guys?

It's a felony punishable by up to three years in prison.

Huh. Three years of somebody making all my meals and nobody

wanting anything from me?

Can I think about it?

Well, it's too late to return my big-screen TV

that becomes a French painting when you turn it off.

She already has a tracking number.

My little XV435/22-Uh.

None of us want to return anything because we all know

that once Bev is playing the harp...

and that is a very generous prediction...

that the card company will just eat the loss.

The dead don't pay no interest.

But the living can go to jail.

All right, well, there's only one thing to do.

Dad, you have to go over to Grandma Bev's

with Aunt Jackie.

Why is it always me?

Because she likes you now.

You're the only one that can gaslight her

and make her believe that she bought all that stuff.

Ahh!

Gaslighting an old woman is so cold.

Can I get it on that?

Darlene's right, Dan.

You have to help me.

You guys suck for making me do this.

I just hope she's having a foggy day

so I can convince her that it was her that made the charges.

I'm going to hell for even saying that.

Well, if you can't convince her maybe

she'll listen to Davy Jones.

Why she doesn't think you're Peter Tork

I don't understand.

Aren't you going to be late for work?

I told you, I try to go in late on All-Meat Mondays,

having that weirdo Howard carve it all up before I get there.

He brings his own knives, which bothers me,

'cause he's not a chef, so...

But on the upside, when they find the bodies in his trunk,

you get to be in the documentary.

The whole thing is just gross.

I hate these days.

You know what might make you feel better?

Nothing.

You're a cynical, negative, glass-half-empty crank.

Hey, when you become a therapist,

charge less than the others.

Hey, where are you going with my frying pan?

Oh, it's still warm from heating up my glove,

so I'm going to use it to thaw out Becky's gas gauge.

Then I'm going to sit on it on my way to the hardware store.

You can keep that as my parting gift to you.

Are you okay? What happened?

- There was a rat in your sink! - What?

No, no, no!

You know what?

The neighbors are doing a bunch of construction,

and they probably disturbed a rat mound.

Well, what are you going to do?

Because they can have up to 12 babies every three weeks.

I mean, that's what... what is that?

Like, 750,000 a year?

Yeah, something like that.

Uh, okay, you know what?

I'm going to catch it when I get home from work.

- Oh, my God. - Listen, do not tell Ben.

He's going to want to kill it, okay?

- Oh, God, oh. - All right.

The only thing that dies in this house

are our hopes and dreams.

3x06 - Moms and Rats

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Beverly, look who's here.

It's Jackie and your son-in-law.

And they have flowers.

Hey, Mom, how you doing?

If you're having a bad day, we can go over a few things,

record the conversation on Dan's phone,

get out of your hair lickety-split.

No. Come in, Jackie.

I'm having a very good day.

Then we'll work with that.

Guess what September 14th is.

That is my birthday.

Or, as you like to remind me, the first of many days

I caused you pain.

Yes, it is your birthday, and I remembered it.

It just popped into my noggin just like that.

And I've been having so much trouble with dates.

Isn't this amazing?

Yes, it is.

Sometimes certain things stick.

Sometimes they don't.

Like finances.

They come, and they go.

So you seem like you're in a really good mood.

You have a lot of energy.

Did my mom have a Gilligan cure,

or, like, she got hit in the head

with a coconut or something?

Is it okay to tell them?

You might as well.

They seem so shocked that I remembered

my daughter's birthday.

Your mother was offered to take part

in an experimental drug trial.

It's been two months now, and it really seems to be slowing

down the cognitive decline.

Oh, my gosh.

Mom, why didn't you tell us?

There are a lot of scary side effects in the waiver,

and I was worried you'd try to stop me.

Oh, I don't think she'd be worried about scary side

effects for you, Bev.

She's happier.

She's eating better, and there are way

more good days than bad days.

Did the doctor say if this was permanent?

They don't know for sure.

It might last forever, or it could go away

in a day, a week, or a month.

And it couldn't have happened at a better time.

I just found out that someone has been using my credit card.

What kind of morally bankrupt lowlife

would take advantage of an old woman with dementia?

Well, there's two sides to every story.

And people could have a lapse of judgment

in a moment of desperation.

Like it says in the Bible, judge he

not those who we knoweth not of their desperation,

for they may be scared and about to bolt.

I believe that's the book of... of Roger 6:13.

So like I said, just stopped by to say hi,

which we'll probably do every morning

to check in on you, see if you're confused.

Because if you are, we want to jump on that.

You know, to be here for you.

You're not getting away that easy, young lady.

We have to talk.

I'd stay, but this sounds like it's going to be awful.

I guess I have this coming.

You certainly do.

You know, when a person gets to a certain age,

they look back on their life, and they take inventory

of what they've done wrong.

Well, you're about 30 years too late,

but I'm enjoying the hug, so keep going.

I so regret how poorly I've treated you.

I want to make everything right.

You do?

Tomorrow, I want us to go out and have

a fantastic day in Chicago.

We'll go to the Art Institute and the Historical Society.

They have the first piece of Wrigley's gum.

Can you imagine it?

And we'll go to the Grand Hall and Union Station.

It'll be just like when you were a child.

But you never took me anywhere when I was a child.

You said it reflected badly on you.

What a monster I was.

Then this will be the mother-daughter day

we never had.

Oh, are you really saying that that's

what you want to do?

You... you want to be with me,

even though you're not sure

how many good days you have left?

More than anything else in the world.

All right. Well, then that's what we'll do.

We will... we'll talk and love and forgive.

Lots of forgiveness.

Lots of wonderful, unconditional,

unretractable,

legally binding forgiveness.

- Hey. - Hey.

How was your day?

Those plungers finally come to the store?

I know they were stuck in Minnesota for a while.

Yes.

They came, thank God.

You know, St. Patty's Day coming up.

Corned beef and cabbage.

You do the math.

Oh.

Hey, did you see this?

All the corners chewed off?

I think we have a rat.

What? Wait, let me see that.

Oh.

Uh-huh. No, it's not a rat.

These are Beverly Rose's bite marks.

She's uh... she's pretending to be a dog again.

And it looks like Becky changed her food,

and she got stressed out.

All right, well, just to be safe,

I'm going to run to my store, grab some rat traps.

We've got rats?

Oh.

No, don't overreact.

We maybe have one rat, or, like, 750,000, if you trust

Jackie's math.

Look, just get the kind of traps that don't kill.

You do know that it's only in Disney movies

that they help you get dressed for the ball.

Darlene, there is a long-standing arrangement

between rats and humans.

We gave them New York City, and in the rest of the country,

they're fair game.

Hey, hey, hey, I am not playing around.

Use a humane trap.

Really?

Being a vegan includes rats now?

Oh... Okay, okay.

Yes, I will try a humane trap.

Thank you.

Oh, no.

Beverly Rose ate some raisins off of the kitchen floor

this morning.

You don't think...

No, no.

No. Okay?

I was eating some raisins this morning.

I dropped a few.

Oh. Thank God.

- First time in Chicago? - Huh? Oh, no.

God, no.

No, my mom lost her mind, but she's better now.

So we're reliving the childhood that I never had.

So Union Station is our last stop.

- You? - Oh, my wife loves the old-world

glamour of train travel, and she's taking a leak.

Yeah. No, my mom loves trains, too.

She's been looking forward to this all day.

You know, it's funny when she wasn't all there,

I never thought that I would get closure on all

the crap she left me holding.

You know, feeling insecure, not good enough, unloved.

And then today at the Hancock building, I...

I yelled at her.

She cried. She yelled at me.

I cried.

Then the Swedish tour group in the elevator with us,

they cried.

Those people never cry.

So I... I just feel like I've had 60 years of poison

drain out of my body.

I've never felt this good.

So happy for you, person I don't know or care about.

I'm ready.

Let's go.

Oh, excuse me, but the older woman in there

with the little crocheted hat,

does she seemed ready to come out?

There's no one else in there.

Oh.

Maybe in one of the stalls.

They're all open. There's no one in there.

Okay.

'Cause I saw her.

Mom!

Um. Anything in the traps?

Nope, but the cheese keeps disappearing.

You ate the cheese, didn't you?

I don't know why you'd waste something as delicious

as pepper jack on catching a rat.

Hey, what you doing home so early?

You know Howard the knife guy?

He's a person of interest in something,

and they shut the cafeteria down.

Why is there a kill trap on the counter?

Because the humane ones don't work.

The rats are too smart.

Dad, I can't believe you're actually

over here helping him.

You've known how I felt about this since I was a teenager.

Do you remember when I made you catch that field mouse

and take it out to the country?

Did you not notice it only took me 10 minutes to get out

to the country and come back?

Look, sometimes we have to make a choice, okay?

We can't always humor your feelings about animals

in these situations.

Humor my feelings? Are you kidding me?

Oh, I know where this is going.

Bye.

Come on, Darlene.

Beverly Rose is so terrified she won't come out of her room.

You haven't even tried to use a humane trap.

Why are your feelings so much more

important than mine in this?

Fine.

Okay, we'll do it your way.

We'll let him grow up, send him to college,

and as soon as he goes to Myrtle Beach for spring break,

we'll change the locks.

Don't make fun of me.

You know what? You're being a jerk.

You really want to drive the rat out?

Marry it.

Oh, my God. Thank you very much.

God, I've been looking everywhere for you.

What are you doing?

Don't get excited.

I'm just getting on the train.

I was going to text you.

You can't let this woman on the train.

She has dementia.

I'm fine. Ask me anything.

The president of the United States is that kid Joe Biden.

The vice president is Kamala Harris.

This is my lovely daughter, Jackie Harris.

No relation.

That doesn't prove anything.

Name one senator from our state.

You name one senator.

I'm not the one trying to get on a train.

Look, I'm no doctor, but she seems okay to me.

Mom, what are you doing?

Mom, this is a train.

It's going to take you away.

- Do you even know where it's going? - It's going east.

I haven't decided where to get off yet. Isn't that wonderful?

But we had an amazing day together.

What, did I do something wrong?

No, dear. Of course not.

You've never done anything wrong

but try to please an unreasonable old woman.

Today was the best day we've ever had.

Well, then why would you want to leave, huh?

What about your clothes?

And what about your medication?

It's all right here in my tote bag.

I've got a lot of Lululemon.

It rolls up very small.

Wait, so you were planning this?

So was this day all just to get me to drive

you to the train station?

No, dear.

I could have taken a cab, but I wanted

to have this day with you.

I wanted your face to be the last one I saw before I

went on my grand adventure.

Please don't do this.

I have to.

I'm not going to sit around my apartment

until I don't know where I am.

I want to die living.

But it isn't fair.

We finally have a day where I want you to stay,

but now you're leaving me?

That's why I gave you this day.

If I knew for sure I could remember

to love you every day, I would never leave you.

Give my nurse a good tip.

I have a reputation.

Mom.

All aboard!

And don't worry about the credit card.

I called and said there were my charges.

I hope you and the family enjoy everything you scammed

from the credit card people.

I know that I am.

You know, I could grab you right now and keep you here.

But you won't.

Now wave goodbye.

Don't get murdered.

There you are.

God, I've been looking all over town for you.

Even went to Costco to see if you were trying

flannels on in the boys' section.

I was worried.

You know, I didn't mean to make you that upset.

Well, I didn't think you noticed.

Look, I know how much you care about animals.

Probably more than you care about me.

That's... that's where you jump in and say no, but okay.

And I tried to catch the rat in a humane way,

but it just wasn't going to happen.

No, you're not getting it.

This isn't just about the rat.

You're not really listening to me.

It's like when I talk about my job

and I tell you how hard it is for me

to go in and serve meat every day, you just dismiss it,

or you make a joke.

Well, I make a joke, because you make a joke.

I mean, that's the foundation of our whole marriage, right?

We both have horrible lives, but we can laugh about it.

Yeah, but sometimes jokes aren't jokes.

I need you to check in on me and see how I'm feeling

every once in a while, just like I asked you

about your stupid plungers, for God's sakes,

because I know that's a stress in your job.

I... I guess I'm still learning

to figure out which ones are jokes

and which are a cry for help.

Look, I get that there's a learning curve.

But let's say I make a joke about the same thing

3,000 times.

That is your clue that something is bugging me

and to take it seriously.

You got it.

Okay, so what happens if I check in on you

and you were making a joke and didn't need me to check in?

Well, then you're being too clingy,

and that's, like, a huge turnoff.

So I can't win?

Yeah, now you're getting it.

Uh, what's up with the chickens?

We wanted to show you that we care about animals, too,

so tonight, we're not serving chicken.

We're serving chickens.

Wait, you're not just fattening them up

to eat them later, right?

No, no.

That would be wrong.

Right?

Jackie's here.

I gotta hear about her day with Bev.

So how was it?

Is Bev going to press charges?

No.

She's covering for us.

Oh, thank God.

I finally got the mother I've always wanted today.

And the day ended at Union Station,

where my mom got on a train and went God knows where.

What are you talking about?

Bev didn't want to live the rest

of her life confined to her home,

so she set off on a glorious journey.

And she'll just see where it takes her.

What a day.

Are you out of your damn mind?

You let a 96-year-old woman who thought

her granddaughter was Davy Jones a few weeks ago

get on a train alone?

And you don't even know where she's going?

I didn't need to.

She's doing what she wants, and she's thinking

pretty clearly now, too.

Ask Dan.

Yeah, she is...

for now.

Wow, I really thought the chicken

playing piano was going to be the highlight of the night.

You're not really being serious, are you, Aunt Jackie?

You stopped her, right? Come on.

God, you guys just don't get it.

You guys don't understand how beautiful

it is to see an old, frail woman get on a train alone

and not know where she's going.

I mean, I don't think I've ever seen her happier.

Sure, because she thinks she's on a train to Marrakesh

with Crosby, Stills, and Nash.

She wasn't just leaving.

She was giving me the gift of closure and release

from responsibility.

I'm tracking her phone.

If she gets into trouble, I can go get her.

I swear, you people, you couldn't appreciate

something profound and moving if it

was right in front of you.

Oh, yeah?

You might feel differently when you see what's

going on in the kitchen.

Well, that's the most ridicul...

It takes two chickens to peck out "Heart and Soul."