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Hey. What'd the insurance guy
say about the roof?

Well... and I think I've said
this virtually every time

we've had to deal with insurance...

we're not covered.

Yeah, and unfortunately,
we're gonna have to

make the repairs because
there are more storms coming.

Well, [sighs] looked at
everything up there.

Repairs aren't gonna be cheap.

It's at least $3,000 to patch that area

where the roof broke away.

I'll grab a tarp from the car.

There goes our honeymoon money.

- [Door opens, closes]
- I'm sorry, babe.

But the good news is,
after the work's done,

we'll know the house is worth
at least $3,000.

This makes no sense.
I mean, how do they get away

with not covering tornado damage?

I didn't read the fine print.

But that's because my health insurance

doesn't cover vision.

- [Door opens, closes]
- Which I didn't know

'cause I couldn't read the fine print.

Huh, huh, huh, huh, ohh!

Uh, Mark, you want a ride to
school when I'm done?

Oh. There's no school today.

It's closed for a teacher work day.

And quit trying to butter up my kids.

It's interfering with me trying
to make them hate you.

[Snaps fingers]

I'm still going, though,
because they leave

the library open so you can study,

but I'll just walk.

I'm gonna meet my friends there.

Since when do you have friends?

Name one.

Mr. Vasily.

Isn't that the lunchroom guy?

Yeah, but he gives me extra tater tots,

and I'm helping him become a citizen.

Uh, do you have any friends
that aren't in danger

of being deported?

If you're having trouble making
friends at the new school,

you should join some clubs.

Or just change who you are completely

- so you're not such a sad bag of dork.
- [Door opens, closes]

Look, if you need to make a friend,

here's what you do.

- Join a...
- Mom, just stop.

I-I don't need to do anything.

I'll work it out. See you later.

Well, give Mark some time.

He'll make friends.

No. It's been two months
at the new school

and nobody's called him to do anything.

All he does is watch TV and do homework.

He's adjusting. That's all.

He hasn't figured out
if he's a soch or a jock

or an emo or a goth.

I know. How will he know
which group to rumble with

behind the drive-in?

I'm just saying,
if it were really a problem,

you know he'd come to you.

I appreciate that, but this is
no longer your concern.

If you wanted to play daddy,
then you should have married me.

Yes. My mistake.

I could have had
those sweet tones in my ear

every morning.

You know, before I opened the door

and ran screaming into traffic.

Oh. Well, there's the door.

You don't want to miss rush hour.

Always a treat. Ta-ta.

4x06 - Young Love, Old Love and
Take This Job and Shove It

♪

♪

♪

♪

Excuse me. This isn't Thousand Island.

It's just ketchup and mayonnaise.

In the store, it has relish.

Here's a pickle and a knife.

And if you could make enough
for the whole restaurant,

we'd appreciate it.

Hey, we're a sports bar now.

We're gonna have a lot more customers.

You have got to stay cool.

I'm sorry.

I'm just so pissed because
I've been doing so great

in my abnormal psychology class,

and I didn't get picked
for anybody's study group.

They probably think
I'm old and boring and stupid.

Old, boring, stupid people play
a huge role in college.

You can't graduate
in the "top half" of a class

unless there's a bottom half.

Is there somebody at school
you can complain to?

Yeah. There's a girl, Lucy,
who coordinates the groups.

Well, then, get her on the phone
and give her hell.

[Line rings, cellphone whooshes]

- Hey, Lucy.
- Hey, Becky.

Bet you didn't even think I knew
how to use FaceTime, right?

Because I'm so old.

That's why you didn't want me
in your study groups.

It's just that we figured you were busy

with your job or your kid.

Everybody wanted you
in their study group.

Really?

Oh. That makes me so happy.

I have a lot to contribute
to abnormal psychology.

Everyone in class realized
that they were dating

someone from one of the chapters?

I'm old. I've dated, like,
all the chapters.

That's awesome.

Well, there's a group meeting at noon.

I'll let the study captain know
you're joining.

Thank you so much.

[Cellphone whooshes]

I need the afternoon off.

Today?!

I didn't realize they were gonna
drag your stupid old ass off

to a study group right away.

There's a game tonight.

We're gonna be doing
moonshine shots for a quarter.

We're bringing in
the trailer park crowd.

Please.

I'll figure out something.

Oh, thank you.

Don't worry.
I will be here for last call.

I went to rehab.

I know the difference between
guys who need Narcan

and the ones who are just napping.

♪

Hey.

Oh, hey. If you're looking for Jackie,

I think she's at the restaurant.

Actually, I came over to talk to you.

Can you give me any ideas

on how to entertain a 14-year-old boy?

Neville, this might be
a bigger conversation.

Come on, I'm serious.

A-A friend of mine is going
through a rough divorce

and asked if her son could stay
with me for a few weeks,

and I felt bad for her, so I said okay.

Oh. Well, that was sweet.

Yeah, but he doesn't know
anybody in Lanford,

so I have to bring him to work.

I let him shave a monkey for surgery.

I mean, what kid wouldn't enjoy that?

Never even put down his phone.

No. This is perfect.

Mark is having a hard time
making friends

at his new school.

He could use somebody to hang with.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Yeah. The only thing is Mark
is super sensitive

about not having any friends,

so I have to think of a casual way

for him to meet your friend's kid.

Hmm.

All right.

You and Mark are having lunch
at The Lunch Box.

Suddenly, the brakes on my car go out,

and I skid to a stop right
in front of the restaurant.

I pretend to have a heart attack...

it turns out just to be anxiety...

but I send Logan into The Lunch Box

to call for an ambulance.

He meets Mark.

They find out they have a lot in common

and become friends.

What do you think?

Or...

I get Mark to The Lunch Box,

and you and Logan are looking
for a place to get pie.

You think the kids are gonna buy that?

♪

[Laughing]

Becky.

You said you were gonna be done
with your study group

like 30 minutes ago.

I need you to go over
the meat and poultry order

'cause, uh, I'm not sure
if I got too much.

We're talking about
Kluver-Bucy Syndrome.

It's fascinating.

It's people who have the urge

to have a sexual relationship
with an inanimate object.

Well, a lamp won't steal
your Social Security number,

buy an RV, and drive to Mexico.

Just get over here
as soon as you can, okay?

[Cellphone dings]

Neville's texting you.

Oh, he is?

Oh. Oh, he says
he's stopping by for pie.

Does he text you every time
he wants dessert?

- [Chuckles lightly]
- Yes.

Um, a-also he says he's taking care of

a friend's kid and, I'll be darned,

he's the same age as you.

"You'll be darned"?

Okay, what kind of crap
are you pulling this time?

What, just because I used
an old-fashioned phrase,

I'm "Miss Shady Pants"?

Okay, fine. But this kid's parents

are going through a really bad divorce.

He doesn't know anybody out here.

You're having trouble making friends.

So you're gonna force me to hang out

with a kid I don't know.

Hey, I had problems making friends

when I was your age, too.

And I wouldn't let anybody help me.

Because of it,
I spent a lot of time alone,

and I ended up marrying the first guy

that was interested in
hanging out with me.

But it was all worth it because I had

two really annoying kids.

So, get it together, take the help,

and make a friend here.

[Door opens]

- Hi.
- Hey! What?

Well, isn't this a fun coincidence

that we were in the neighborhood?

[Chuckles] Uh, Logan, this is Mark.

And how old are you, Mark?

The same age as Logan.

I'll be darned.

He's onto us. Sit down.

So, Logan, Neville says

you're gonna be here for a little while.

What kind of things do you like to do?

I don't know.

Play video games, I guess?

- Not shave animals.
- Oh.

Well, that's great.

Mark doesn't like to shave
animals, either,

and he likes video games.

He went to a computer camp
where he made his own game.

Tell him, Mark.

I made a game called "Rabbit Dash."

There was a rabbit and,
spoiler alert, it dashed.

I was supposed to go to camp.

My dad's cheating and my mom's
drinking screwed it up.

But the important thing is,

"They both love me
and that will never change."

Oh, so you're a kid
whose family broke up.

What a unique and special tale.

Can we just go?

No, stay. I-I'm buying lunch.

Mark, why don't you help me get
some water for the table?

Why are you acting like
a rude and insensitive jerk?

Because I told you I didn't want this

and you're continuing to push me anyway.

How would you feel if I went to the mall

and brought back some random
adult for you to play with?

Well, if you narrow it down

to men in their 40s
with teeth and a job,

I'll take whatever you bring back.

♪

♪

Sorry about what I said.

It wasn't about you. It's just...

I was mad because my mother's
always in my business.

I get it.

My mother dropped me off with
this goofy dude for a month.

Yeah, but I should know better.

My parents are divorced, too.

It sucks.

Tell me about it.

My dad's moving to Oklahoma.

I'm gonna have to go to
a new school out there.

I'll have to come out to
everyone all over again.

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the worst.

I just had to do that at my new school.

How did you do it?

Well, somebody asked me
if I was gay and I said, "Yeah."

Good story, man.

I know, right?

Listen, um, we've been doing
movie nights at my house

a few nights a week.
Why don't you come over?

Only if you tell me more of
your epic stories.

Oh, I have a lot more.

Like this one time,

a kid asked me if I was straight

and I said, "No."

♪

We need to talk.

Oh, sorry I missed work today.

We all got lost in Freud.

Some pretentious ass talked
about the Electra Complex

for an hour.

It was me!

I was the pretentious ass!

It just feels so good
to learn about all these things

I never knew about.

Look, Becky, I'm really glad

that you love going to college,

but we're finally doing great,

and you're disappearing on me.

I wanted to do this with family,
like I did with Roseanne.

I know, but a lot has happened
since we started.

Rehab, and now college...

I hate that I feel this way,
but for the first time,

I can see other things in my future,

and I'm excited about that.

So, what are you saying?

I'm saying that I don't want to
keep letting you down,

so maybe I should go part-time

and you should find someone
who wants to run a restaurant.

Come on, remember how excited we were

when we were chasing the dream?

We stole from my mom, I slapped Darlene,

we bribed a councilman,

and now you're saying
that the fun is over?

Mostly for me.

But you found your path.

You're the queen of stew.

I guess it's meant to be.

I'll always be here if you need me.

And you've got Neville.

Yeah, but he only wants to be
involved up to a point.

He's a vet.

He's saving cows. I'm dicin' 'em up

and throwing 'em in with carrots.

You got this, Jackie.

And the holidays are coming up.

I'm sure we're gonna find
another reason to slap Darlene!

[Chuckles]

Oh! Another fun fact...

did you know that no one in
"Casablanca" ever says,

"Play it again, Sam"? Huh?

That's a lot of fun facts for
being 10 minutes into a movie.

Well, congratulations, Logan.

Yeah! Only hanging around here
for three weeks

and you're officially
a snide little putz.

Thank you. It comes easy

when you're hanging out with
a pretentious, old gas-bag.

John Mahoney said that
last night in "Moonstruck."

Fun fact.

I'm going to get popcorn.

Don't get up. It's just me.

Not interfering.

How's it going?

Watching a movie. Nothing to see here.

Move along.

I'm going to see my psychic.

Anybody want anything from the future?

All right, I thought
that was funny. Bye.

[Both laugh]

Can we just blow off the movie
and go up to your room?

And do what?

You know, hang out.

Oh.

Right. Gotcha.

You mean right now?

Yeah, before Ben gets back

and tells us fun facts about popcorn.

Have you ever had a boyfriend?

Well, I kissed one guy and a
girl made me give her a hickey,

so I'm more of a player.

Don't worry about it. I know what to do.

I had a boyfriend all last year.

You know, if you want to.

Yeah. Yeah, I want to.

I just didn't know that you want to.

Now that I know that you want
to, I want to, too.

I think I'm a little nervous.

Saying "I want to" a lot.

♪

[Sighs] We can watch the end again

when Logan can stay longer, okay?

Now, you guys could've seen
the whole thing

if you hadn't been up there
for half an hour.

Yeah, I know.

Do you think that Ingrid Bergman

is gonna forget about Humphrey Bogart

when she has to leave?

No.

That's what makes it so heartbreaking.

She has to go even though
they still love each other.

But at least he's still got his
other friends from the movie,

like, uh, Signor Ugarte, huh?

[Imitating Peter Lorre] "Rick, hide me!

Do something! You must help me!

Rick!"

[Both laugh]

Don't do that with anyone else.

It's disturbing.

[Laughs]

But sh-she might forget him, right?

[Instrumental music playing]

All right.

[TV turns off]

What's going on, pal?

I was just wondering...

when you know someone has to
leave and you really like them,

and all you've done is kiss,
is it stupid...

to do more so they don't forget you?

Is this about you and Logan?

Yeah.

Okay.

At this point in the discussion,
I'm obliged to say

that this is the sort of thing

you usually discuss with your mom.

No, no, this is different.

She treats me like a kid,

and I think this would
make her flip out.

Logan's going back to Oklahoma
for the whole school year.

I don't want him to forget about me.

Yeah, but you guys haven't even
known each other

for that long.

And, hey, you don't want to be pressured

into doing anything
just 'cause he's leaving.

Are you sure you don't want to
talk to your mom?

No. She won't listen.

She doesn't get it.
She'll just ruin everything.

Well, your mom and I
have had our issues,

so I'm not the most objective,

but I do think that
your mom always means well

when she's, you know, destroying lives.

♪

What are you still doing here?

Movie night's over,
we're not getting married,

go get your coffee at the gas station.

- Bye.
- [Clears throat]

I'm here because Mark and I
had a little talk tonight.

We were watching "Casablanca"
and he told me

that he and Logan might be
at the beginning

of a beautiful relationship.

Oh, my God. That's so cute.

They have a crush on each other?

Oh, it's more than a crush.

They were kissing up in Mark's bedroom.

Mark really likes this guy,

and he is seriously thinking
about going further.

Going further?

He's only 14.

He told you all this?

Yeah.

He's afraid that Logan will
forget about him if he doesn't.

Why is he even coming to you?

This wouldn't have happened
if you weren't hanging out here

all the time. My God, get a life.

This isn't about me.

This is about how you hammer your kids

into doing what you want them to do.

No. I don't always hammer them.

Sometimes I manipulate,
sometimes I coerce,

and when times are good, I bribe.

But I don't have to do
any of that with Mark.

We talk about everything.

Why didn't you just tell him
to come to me?

I did. He didn't want to.

That doesn't make any sense.

He said you wouldn't listen,
that you wouldn't understand,

and that you would just come in

and ruin everything with Logan.

That sounds like Harris.

I know. Doesn't it?

What's wrong?

Well, Mark didn't tell me
that he's got a boyfriend,

and I'm afraid that he's gonna have sex.

How long have we been doing this?

I come in, I ask what's wrong,
you say "nothing,"

I grab my beer, and leave.

Now, what's wrong?

- Nothing.
- That's what I'm talking about.

♪

Hey.

How's it going?

Good. How's it going with you?

Good.

How's Logan doing?

Good.

Good.

I like Logan.

I like Logan, too.

A lot.

You know, that's kind of how
your dad and I met.

His family was having problems.

But I was lucky.
He didn't have to leave,

like Logan, so I didn't feel
like I had to rush things.

You were lucky.

A person in a different
situation might be thinking

about doing stuff with somebody
because they're going away

and that person doesn't want
them to forget them.

Now I'm sure you're gonna
tell me what you think.

Oh, it doesn't matter what I think.

I'm just here to listen.

[Laughs]

This must be killing you.

You have no idea.

This is, like, my worst nightmare.

I appreciate the effort,

so I'm gonna put you out of your misery.

I decided to slow things way down.

Thanks for trusting me
to make my own decision.

No. Why wouldn't I trust you?

You're a smart kid.

You know that doing something

that you're not physically
and emotionally ready for

would have serious consequences.

But that's your call.

But, when Logan leaves, it's gonna hurt.

It will.

But you will be okay.

And if you're not, I'd be happy
to talk to you about it

in vague terms so that
neither one of us knows

what the hell we're talking about.

I'd like that.

Jeez, is there no time of day

you don't come in the kitchen?

It's okay, you can stay.

And, uh, I owe you an apology.

Thank you for telling me what Mark said.

We just had a good talk.

Actually, he talked and I listened.

You know what? I didn't care for it.

I'm glad things worked out.

Thank you.

So, are you, uh, seeing anyone yet?

Will my answer determine
which cup of coffee

has the poison in it?

No.

I am not.

But I did meet a nice woman

at the hardware store the other day.

But she was in her 70s.

But her daughter was smoking hot.

See?

We hate each other,
but we're having fun.

♪

For those who I haven't talked to yet,

thank you for joining Second Chances.

I took this work-study job as a mentor

because I know that getting
your GED in this program

will change your life.

Is this your house?

No, it's my dad's.
I live in the basement.

I'm pregnant and haven't even
graduated high school

and I have my own apartment.

Well, good for you.

The point is, I want to help you

because I don't want you
to have to start over

when you're my age.

What are you, like 35?

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it...

you're my favorite.