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Hey, Dad, why'd you get a bag

of the big candy bars for Halloween?

I told you fun-sized.

You and I might have
a different definition of "fun."

Louise and I lost our honeymoon
to roof repairs.

Big disappointments require big candy.

Okay, well, enjoy the fun
of big diabetes.

Ah, screw it, I'll join you.

So... how are things
at the hardware store?

I don't think Ben's dating anyone,

which is what
you're really asking about,

but don't, because I don't
want to be in the middle.

No, I was asking about
the hardware store.

But since you brought it up,

you could tell me if he has,
you know, sad eyes.

I don't even know if he has eyes.

We're men. We don't look
in each other's eyes.

You've got to move on.

I know, I know.

See, this is why
I don't look in people's eyes.

You look sad.

You mind going in the kitchen
and doing that?

Don't bring those sad eyes in here.

Sorry. They've got to go somewhere.

So, how's Aldo?

He's still old, he's still tattooed,

and I'm still into it.

Hey, we haven't even
talked about Aldo...

who, by the way, will be 100

when you are in the prime
of your life at 81...

so how about we grab a bite

and discuss him calmly over lunch?

There's nothing to talk about.

Come on. There's this vegan
place I really want to try.

It's got this really cool,
Eastern Zen theme,

and there's a bookstore

that specializes in spiritual wellness.

Oh, so it's kind of like

one-stop shopping for things
I find ridiculous.

I'm hoping to find a book there

about how to not beat my children

when they're dismissive and insulting.

You know, I was this close to going.

- Really?
- No.

Uh-uh-uh-uh.

I know this looks like
an abandoned house

from the outside,
but people actually live here,

so take your nonsense elsewhere.

They're with me.

They're Aldo's kids, Melvin and Marvin.

Oh. Hi, I'm... I'm Darlene.

[Chuckles]

Okay, so this is the part
of the horror movie

where I know something's terribly wrong,

but nobody else gets it.

You know, their predatory gaze
means they like you.

Why are you babysitting his kids?

We don't need a babysitter.

We just need somebody
to say we were here.

Delightful children.

Harris, this is crazy.

You're too young
to be playing stepmother.

Where is their actual mother?

You know what?
I'm gonna go with "hiding."

She's not allowed to watch them.

She's a drug addict.

Oh, well, that's not gonna be
a problem down the line.

Look, I don't have time to argue.

I have to go walk them through
the metal detector at school.

Oh, wow.

All the kids have to do that now?

No.

4x05 - Peter Pan, The Backup Plan,
Adventures in Babysitting, and a River Runs Through It

♪

♪

♪

♪

You guys deserve a honeymoon.

How would you like to go
on a photo safari of Kenya,

or travel on tall ships in Amsterdam?

I'm not carrying around
some one-percenter's luggage

just so I can go someplace
I can't afford.

But if it's old people
looking for a caregiver couple,

I'll wipe a butt for Amsterdam.

You don't have to wipe anything.

All you have to do is sit on the couch.

Yeah, it's virtual reality.

Becky borrowed it from somebody
in her study group for the week.

So, you just put the goggles on,

go anywhere you want,

and it'll feel like
you're actually there.

I have stuff in my medicine cabinet

that will also take me anywhere I want.

It's already set up for
a canoe trip down the Amazon.

Enjoy your honeymoon.

Holy crap, Louise. Are you seeing this?

It's amazing.

Of course I'm seeing it.

I'm... I'm sitting next to you
in the boat.

Oh!

Here comes a hippo!

Whoa! Take the woman! Take my woman!

There's more meat on the man!

Take him!

"Being Okay Being Alone."

I read that.

Want some company?

Mm, chapter four says I don't need it.

This place is fantastic.

I found five books that solve problems

I didn't even know I had.

Really? Only five?

Hi. I see you got the jackfruit tacos.

That fills my heart with joy.

All right, I'm gonna stop you right now.

This poor woman
doesn't want to be hit on

with your weird jackfruit pickup line.

She's been through a brutal divorce,

her teenage daughter is dating
a scary, tattooed, older guy,

so just back off,

let her eat whatever the hell that is,

and find a book
that'll keep her from driving

into the headlights of a semi.

I guess I don't need to worry

about him hitting on me now, do I?

Wait... Wait a second.

Darlene?

Gale?

From high school?

"Pale Gale, destined to fail"?

Gale was a sad, wounded child.

And the mocking didn't help.

It's okay. It's River now.

Oh, yeah, that's bulletproof.

Well, at least
you're not as pale anymore.

My eczema cream didn't allow me
to be in the sun.

Not all of us
were creatures of the light,

were we, "Darklene"?

We went through every grade together.

I don't think we ever spoke
to each other.

- Mnh-mnh.
- So, uh, what are you doing here?

I own the place.

Indoor job. Good call.

Wow. I am shocked.

You didn't seem particularly enlightened

during the school's moment
of silence for Kurt Cobain.

He held a bullhorn to his ass
and yelled,

"I got something
that smells like teen spirit!"

I-I was desperate for attention,

and if we're gonna be objective,
that got a fantastic laugh.

But while in library detention,

I read a book about the Dalai Lama,

and I found a road to happiness.

Wow. Good for you.

Yeah, I'd brag about
what I've been doing,

but my aunt ruined that, didn't she?

Well, I left out
that you're still living in

your childhood bedroom.

No, no, you didn't.

Ah.

Maybe I can find a book
that helps me stop blurting.

I'm a blurter.

Well, I am really impressed,

and, uh, it's really cool

that a book turned your life around.

Maybe you could recommend
something for me.

Yeah, "Time to Stop Trying
and Get Happy"

is the name of a book on Taoism.

It's about the whole Eastern thing

about doing without trying.

It can change your life.

The author is giving
a lecture here tomorrow.

Oh. Well, I'll try to make it.

As the Tao says,

don't try to make it
or you won't make it.

Just make it.

Wait. I'm not gonna have to
take my shoes off

and dance to a guy playing
a bamboo flute at me, am I?

No, no, of course not.

But they are gonna strip you naked

and paint you in owl's blood.

Okay, you better be kidding.

Yeah, I better be.

No, really, you better be.

Hey, I hope so, too.

Gale.

Okay, okay, I'm kidding.

See you tomorrow, River.

See you tomorrow, Darklene.

This calamari's made out of jicama.

It's so bad!

I knew it. Damn that Hook.

[Scottish accent] He won't
rest till he gets ya, Peter.

Oh, we had a little dust-up
during the game last night.

It turns out an illegal capacity
of hard-drinking Bears fans

don't like it when they get
cut off by a magical fairy.

Somebody grabbed my left wing,
so I had to get rough.

You know in the cartoons,

when you hit someone with a frying pan,

their face becomes the shape of the pan?

In real life, it's just teeth
and blood everywhere.

Oh. God. Was Beverly Rose here?

Unfortunately, she was.

The whole point of me working here

was so I could bring her with me.

Crazy drunks ruin everything.

I mean, I should know that.

What about Emilio watching her?

I hate to ask him for anything extra.

Even though our marriage is a sham,

he's still crazy in love with me.

Must be awful to be close
to someone this hot

and not be able to have her.

Well, who knows?

Maybe Emilio's decided
to start going for

less delusional women.

You guys don't get how hard it is

having someone love you that much.

Yeah. That's got to be tough,

having that beautiful hunk
of spicy Latin meat

in love with ya. [Chuckles]

I mean, I haven't tasted him,

but I imagine he tastes like that.

You know, there's only so long

I can get away with telling people

you're from a different era.

Look at us. A mother and son

spending a Saturday together
at a lecture.

Enjoy it while you can,

because all the books say
I'm gonna turn on you soon.

Well, please wait as long as possible.

I can only battle one kid at a time.

I can't believe Harris doesn't see

that this guy Aldo is just using her.

Okay, let's finish our tea
and we'll start in a second.

I really want to ask something,
but I don't like the idea

of opening myself up in front
of a bunch of strangers.

A stranger is just a friend

who hasn't laughed
at your stupid question yet.

Uh, Joanne?

Just a quick question.

How can I use Taoism to become
a less negative person?

I'm asking for my son.

And what's your name?

My name is Darlene.

Very modern.

Well, Darlene...

negativity comes from
trying to hold onto things

in a world that is constantly changing.

When you understand that,

you'll let go and begin to flow
with Chi and not against it.

That's just giving into everything.

For example,
if there's a 19year-old girl

that wants to date a 38-year-old man,

am I just supposed to go
with the flow with that?

Did I say that how you
whispered it to me, Darlene?

"Giving in" isn't weakness.

Like in kung fu,

sometimes we retreat

and then use the opponent's
momentum against them.

We let them continue in
the direction they want to go,

and that throws them off balance.

Yeah, that's really interesting.

Uh, Darlene, did you want to ask Joanne

how Tao can help keep you

from driving away everyone you love?

Nope. Darlene's good.

Not holding onto things,

ready to flow on out to the car
and listen to the radio.

♪

How's our honeymoon going?

Amazing!

I'm in the Florida Keys. Join me.

Nah, I'm over it.

Oh! Ooh! This is gonna be a big one.

We're gonna be eating good tonight.

Yeah, if you'd put that thing down,

get off your ass,
and take me out to dinner.

You put your goggles on,

I'll take you to Germany
for Oktoberfest.

Oh, my God! Oh!

Look at the size of this thing!

Take a picture.

Click.

Got it.

Hey, Emilio.

I didn't know you were still here.

Took me a while
to get Beverly Rose to sleep.

I was reading her the instructions

of my new convection oven.

There's a real twist at the end.

- You can do pizza.
- [Chuckles]

Blew her mind.

[Both chuckle]

Hey, I got to ask you a favor.

Now that The Lunch Box
is serving alcohol,

we got to come up with
a new schedule to watch her.

You ever heard of a joke
that starts with

"A baby walks into a bar"?

- No.
- Well, there's a reason.

Well, I can fill in the gaps.

And when I have to work,

Gabriela can keep an eye on her.

She's great with kids.

Gabriela? Is that one of your cousins?

She's, uh...

How do you say in English?

I've been dating her exclusively
for three months.

Wow. You have a girlfriend?

You and I agreed that we
should be dating other people.

I didn't tell you about Gabriela

because I wanted to wait
until it was a real thing.

Oh, okay.

But I need to know
if she's responsible enough

to watch my child.

She has cousins
she babysits all the time.

Okay.

Uh, follow-up question... is she pretty?

Why do you care?

Well, I'm a mother,

and I want to keep my baby safe,

you know, from ugly people.

I am only attracted to
beautiful, smart women.

Should you really be flirting
with your wife

when you've got a girlfriend at home?

♪

So, this engaged couple's getting inked.

She's in Harris' chair

getting a screaming
corpse bride on a bike,

and he's in mine
getting a tattoo of Scooter,

obviously the most epic Muppet of all.

And I look over at Harris,

and I get lost in her eyes,

and suddenly, Scooter has a demon tail.

[Laughing] What?

Pretty classic meet-cute.

Your eyes met,

and you made a permanent mistake
on another human being.

- Mm-hmm.
- [Chuckles]

Oh, my God.
You got to try these taquitos.

[Chuckles]

- So good, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

[Both laugh]

Anyway, um, I-I know that
I haven't seemed supportive

about your relationship,

but I'm getting into Eastern philosophy,

and I am trying to be more like
water and flow with things.

Wait, not trying to be.

I am water.

I dig that.

The whole Eastern thing's
super legit, and I'm into it.

Aldo has a Chinese dragon tattoo
that starts on his thigh

- and it wraps around...
- Yeah, and it works its way

- all the way around to my...
- Yeah, it's okay.

I don't need to know
where the dragon goes.

So, what are you saying?

Are you okay with us?

I am.

And I-I can see how much
you guys care about each other.

Since the momentum is going that way,

I want you to know
that you would have my blessing

if you wanted to move in together.

Well, it's kind of a giant step.

I'm ready.

Are you sure?

Uh, she said she's ready, Aldo.
Aren't you?

I-I mean, a commitment right now

would really tell Harris

that your relationship is super legit.

Well, o-okay.

T-To be honest...

you beat me to it.

Harris, here is a key to my place.

Oh, my God! That's so amazing!

Oh, man.

The boys are gonna be so stoked.

Man, they need a role model,

'cause yours truly ain't cuttin' it.

Ah.

Well, what do you guys say
we all get 'faced, huh?

Mm! Mm!

Wow.

I-I didn't think you had it in you.

Thank you so much.

Are you honestly gonna move in
with that guy?

You've known him for like 10 minutes.

You're gonna be at home
watching his kids,

and crackhead mom's gonna
come flying through the window

and latch onto your leg
like a rabid weasel.

What the hell?

You were the one who said to move in.

- What's your problem?
- I was tricking you.

I just did it badly.

I was hoping that if I tried

to convince you guys
to move in together,

Aldo would bail, and you would
see him for who he is.

I do see him for who he really is...

a great guy who wants to be with me.

And I see you as the same

controlling old goblin
you've always been.

Uh, you know,
you're raising children now.

You might want to think about
how you talk to people.

Dinner's gonna be late.

I was shaking it for beads at Mardi Gras

when I remembered

I had food cooking.

Pass.

I have to go over to Emilio's
to pick up Beverly Rose anyway.

How's that working out?

Well, I'm kind of freaked out

about his girlfriend watching the baby.

I don't know why.

I'm comfortable leaving her here

with you backwoods squirrel-eaters.

You sure that's all
that's bothering you?

Well, I've never even met this woman.

All I know is that she's pretty.

Pretty, huh?

How do you feel about that?

Well, I'm not jealous.

I didn't want to be with him.

Right.

But now maybe you're afraid
you can never be with him.

He was kinda your backup plan.

- No, he wasn't.
- Really?

You guys share Beverly Rose,
he's a great guy,

he's good-looking, and you're married.

Okay, maybe it crossed my mind

that now that I'm not
having drunken one-night stands,

I might be a little pickier,

and have trouble finding the right guy.

Oh, crap. I lost my backup plan.

Don't worry.

You'll find the right person.

I didn't know Louise was out there,

and then there was Louise.

And here's more good news.

You don't look as old as you are.

You still got five, seven, three years

before you have to settle.

I'd rather be alone than be with
someone I don't really love.

Good for you.

I'm a college girl.

I'm hot.

And as soon as I'm sober for a year,

I can start dating again.

Mm.

I'd still be aggressive
with that timeframe.

Love ya, baby.

I want my money back.

I'm feeling a lot
of negative energy right here.

I did everything the speaker said.

I used the kung fu retreat
and momentum thing

to trick my kid into
getting rid of her boyfriend,

and now they're living together.

In Taoism, when somebody tries
to push too hard,

it just leads to frustration.

Yeah, yeah.

Is there anything in this dumb store

that I can use to trick my kid?

I think I have something for you.

It's the Tao Te Ching.

It helped me find peace
with all my relationships.

I think it could help you, too.

What about some of these crystals?

Can't I just put
a few of these in a sock

and beat Aldo until he
doesn't recognize my daughter?

Man, I hope you're kidding.

I hope so, too.

Just use the book.

Mm.

I'm gonna need a bigger sock, but okay.

Whoa!

I heard the women on the beaches
of Ibiza are gorgeous,

but this redhead is beyond
anything I've ever seen.

Oh, my God! It's my wife!

I'm the luckiest man on Earth!

I'm gonna take her
to the French Riviera.

All right.

These things are starting
to freak me out.

What is going on?

It's nice in here.

I want you to join me.

In the real world,
we have a hole in the roof

and I can't afford to take
my wife on a honeymoon.

You deserve better.

Well, of course I do.

But I don't need to go
to fancy places with you.

I have fun with you wherever we go.

You have fun at Costco?

I especially like when you change hats

and keep going back to the sample guy.

It's a rush.

Look, if we want to have a honeymoon,

all we have to do is close our eyes

and use our imagination.

Let's make love on the beach at Aruba.

I almost smell the ocean.

Oh, that's that sardine I lost
in the comforter last night.

I love you.

[Laughs] Yeah, you better.

[Crowd cheering on television]

How can I help you fellas?

MARVIN: Harris left us alone.

You have to help us
build a chicken slingshot.

Yes. I'll help you hurt my chickens.

But first, you boys have to help me dig

two child-sized holes in the backyard

and lay in them to make sure
I measured them correctly.

Deal?

[Laughs maniacally]