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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Subs by kinglouisxx
for www.MY-SUBS.com
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The wedding is tomorrow
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00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:08,842
and the bridesmaids' dresses
aren't even here yet.
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The florist says that they're
out of baby's breath
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00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,014
and he's gonna replace it
with eucalyptus,
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which is gonna make the entire church
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smell like cough medicine.
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00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:20,646
Oh, and after our ceremony,
there's a funeral,
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00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:23,690
so there is gonna be a casket
off to the side
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00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:27,194
reminding us that as we
start our new lives together,
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someone's going the other way.
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You've got this.
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The wedding's gonna be great.
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[Cellphone dings]
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00:00:35,494 --> 00:00:38,580
Oh, more good news...
the weather report.
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There's a storm coming in.
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- A storm of love.
- [Scoffs]
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Your father is useless.
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Uselessly in love.
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So, I know I probably don't
even need to ask you this
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00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:54,638
because it would be cruel
and insensitive,
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00:00:54,763 --> 00:00:57,015
but Ben is not coming
to the wedding, right?
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00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:59,476
[Laughs] Funny you should
mention that. Yes, he is.
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00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,520
[Scoffs] Why didn't you tell me?
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Well, I was going to, but...
26
00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,649
this.
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00:01:05,774 --> 00:01:07,943
Look, honey, he's my business partner,
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00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,611
and the rest of the family loves him.
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Do you have any idea
how incredibly awkward
30
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this is gonna be for me?
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Nope. I married my highschool sweetheart
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and made that last for 46 years.
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Just sayin'.
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Uh, yeah, if you subtract
sleeping, drinking beer,
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00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,127
and "working on your motorcycle
in the garage,"
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you guys had like three good years.
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Look, I know the wedding's
gonna be hard,
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but just try to avoid Ben
the best you can.
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We sat him and his plus-one
at another table.
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What?!
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00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:37,347
What?!
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00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:38,682
He's bringing a date?!
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When were you gonna tell me that?
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[Sighs]
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At the last possible minute,
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and if you want to know why,
listen to your tone.
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I mean, why would he do that?
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00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:48,317
Is he trying to stick it to me?
49
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,736
Or maybe he just wants to prove
that he can find somebody
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00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,029
before I do.
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00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:54,197
That is so pathetic and small.
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Now I only have one day to find someone
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to make him feel like crap!
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4x04 - The Wedding of Dan and Louise
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00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:10,756
♪
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♪
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♪
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♪
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Is it appropriate to serve wings
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00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:40,744
at a wedding reception in a church?
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00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,788
Well, not an angel's wings...
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00:02:42,913 --> 00:02:45,290
unless they're, you know,
parmesan-garlic.
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God... [Sighs]
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00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,088
I am so nervous about
being at the wedding.
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It's my first big social event
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where everybody's gonna be drinking.
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00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:55,592
Well, you can't pick up a drink
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if you've already got one in your hand,
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so you just carry a Shirley Temple
around all night.
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Oh, finally! A cure for alcoholism.
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00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:06,103
So... [Sighs]
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I'm bringing a date to the wedding.
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Don't make a big deal about it.
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BOTH: Oooooooooooh!
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Who's the damaged guy?
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Okay, I'll tell you,
but you can't say anything
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- to my mom, okay?
- Uh-oh.
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No, it... it's not like that.
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He's a tattoo artist
I work with, and he's sweet
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and supportive and he respects me,
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and he's 38 and he's got two kids. Bye.
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No, no! Hang on.
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He's 38?!
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00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,461
Well, hey, you're dating
somebody younger.
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Why I can't I date somebody older?
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00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,298
Yeah, we're both about 20 years
different in age
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00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:37,342
from our dates, but you're 19.
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And stupid.
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00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:41,722
Hey, I called you
my cool aunt in public.
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00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:43,890
We were all stupid at 19.
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00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:46,560
You've only had one bad relationship.
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Before your aunt foolishly dated a man
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who's too young for her,
she prepared herself
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by having many, many bad relationships.
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00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:55,902
Good point.
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00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,989
And you cannot surprise
your mom with this
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at your grandfather's wedding.
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00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,075
Well, that's exactly
what I'm going to do.
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00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,201
She won't be able to freak out
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00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:04,786
'cause she has to maintain for Grandpa.
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00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,580
Now, when you say "Grandpa," do you mean
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00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:09,416
your actual grandfather or your date?
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00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,502
♪
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[Clears throat]
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00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,131
By the way you're oilin' that chain,
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I can tell you're pretty excited
for tomorrow.
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00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,011
I'm just holding it together.
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00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:22,763
I'm nervous as hell.
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00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:25,891
Best thing I can do right now
is be a cheerleader for Louise.
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Disaster!
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00:04:27,476 --> 00:04:28,852
We got the bridesmaids' dresses
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00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,396
and they are all the wrong sizes!
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00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:33,190
I'm sure it'll be fine.
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00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:36,443
Actually, the... the... the...
the dressmaker screwed up
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00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:39,821
and she did it in Italian sizes
instead of US.
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[Italian accent] Ey, that's-a crazy!
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Will you just take 'em off?
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00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:47,496
I-I-It's making me anxious
just to look at them.
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[Sighs] This is impossible.
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00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,875
I had a dream of a perfect wedding,
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00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,585
and now it's just a nightmare.
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00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:56,505
I can't find the flowers
and the dresses are all wrong,
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00:04:56,630 --> 00:05:00,175
and people are yelling at me
about where they're seated.
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00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,426
I am overwhelmed.
125
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:05,263
Look, these are just
the last bumps in the road.
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00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:07,891
We're almost there.
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00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:10,393
No, Dan.
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00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:12,437
I want out.
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00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,481
I-I-I-I think we should
just live together.
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00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:15,774
You were right.
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You didn't even want to do
all this, and I forced you.
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00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:21,613
Just call everybody...
tell them I'm sick.
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00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:23,657
Look, I know it sounds crazy right now,
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00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:26,493
but 14 hours from now, you'll be
doing the chicken dance
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00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,411
and feeling great.
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00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:31,623
[Sighs] You're not hearing me, Dan.
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00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:33,291
This is too much.
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00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:35,627
I don't think I want this anymore.
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00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:39,798
I should go talk to her.
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00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:40,966
No, give her some space.
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00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:42,968
She's embarrassed because
she asked for all this.
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00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:45,053
The only way you can really help her
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00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,639
is if you take all this off her plate.
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00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,140
There's one day!
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00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:51,059
I don't know how to fix any of this!
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00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,102
Come on!
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00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:53,937
Your woman's in trouble!
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00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,064
You gonna stand by watching her drown?
149
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,525
No, you're gonna jump in
and pull her to safety.
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00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,277
Well, if she has to wait for me
to fix a dress
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00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:02,279
or find baby's breath,
she's going under.
152
00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:04,865
Dan, you're the family fixer!
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00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:06,074
You fix things!
154
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,076
Somebody's got a problem,
who do they go to?
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00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:10,513
They go to Dan!
You really gonna let her down?
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00:06:10,591 --> 00:06:12,345
- No! No! Of course not!
- Yeah!
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00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:13,999
All right. I'm taking over.
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00:06:14,124 --> 00:06:15,417
Yeah.
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00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,460
Give me some duct tape
and let me at them dresses.
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00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:21,172
Okay, it's not your fault
that that's an idiotic idea.
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00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:22,549
It's our fault
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00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:25,635
for trying to domesticate men
and bring them inside our homes.
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You're outside animals.
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♪
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00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:32,309
Okay, I think we're ready
to load the van.
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Let's get this old goat hitched.
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00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:36,813
[Bleats]
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00:06:36,938 --> 00:06:38,148
Have you heard from Louise?
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00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:39,649
Wedding's in a few hours.
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00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:40,901
I know it's in a few hours.
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00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,736
I've been texting her
all morning, telling her
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00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:45,447
I've got everything
under control, but nothing.
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00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:46,823
I'm starting to freak out.
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00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:47,908
What if she doesn't show up?
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00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,993
Oh, no, she'll be there.
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00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:52,454
Just 'cause she's been
a single woman her whole life
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00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,998
doing what she wants,
going wherever she pleases,
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00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,499
that doesn't mean
she's not gonna want to be
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00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:58,376
tied down... to...
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00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:01,338
You know what? Let's get
all this stuff in the van.
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00:07:02,339 --> 00:07:05,216
The weather service has just
issued a severe weather alert
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00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:07,218
- [Knock on door]
- for Chicago, including Elgin,
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00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:10,138
Lanford, and the surrounding
communities.
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00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,265
[Thunder rumbling, rain falling]
185
00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:13,183
Hey!
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00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:14,643
Mikey!
187
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,937
I didn't think you were gonna show.
188
00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,563
Why wouldn't I?
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00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,276
You know, because after the sex,
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00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:25,070
you were all in love with me and stuff.
191
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:27,197
[Sighs] I'm fine.
192
00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,865
I've got those feelings in check.
193
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,325
I know you're not ready
for a relationship
194
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,952
because you're a drunkard.
195
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:33,828
A big one.
196
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,539
That's why I appreciate your support.
197
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:38,124
It's gonna be hard not to have a drink
198
00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:40,377
when everybody's getting
plastered at the wedding.
199
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:43,296
[Gasps] Ooh, maybe
you should keep a Shirley Temple
200
00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:45,048
in your hand all night.
201
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:48,218
Wow. I gotta go apologize to my aunt.
202
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:54,474
- Hey.
- Hey, Mikey!
203
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:55,725
Okay, the rain's getting worse.
204
00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:57,185
We better get on the road.
205
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,312
Grab your stuff.
206
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,607
Hey.
207
00:08:02,732 --> 00:08:06,486
Wait, so, you actually planned
to ride over here
208
00:08:06,611 --> 00:08:10,490
on a scooter in the rain,
put me on the back of it
209
00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:12,075
all made up for a wedding,
210
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:16,079
and then ride six miles to the church?
211
00:08:16,204 --> 00:08:17,789
I-I brought you your own trash bag.
212
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:20,458
Oh, gee, without knowing my size?
213
00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:23,044
I'm a 13-gallon, for future reference.
214
00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:26,256
Hey!
215
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:29,134
I was coming over to see
if anybody needed a ride,
216
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,553
but then my car stalled after I swerved
217
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,596
into a flooded pothole trying to avoid
218
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:36,808
this idiot on a scooter
wearing a trash bag.
219
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,936
Ah! And, of course, it was you!
220
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:42,439
What the hell is he doing here?
221
00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:44,149
Well, you were bringing a plus-one,
222
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:46,192
so I decided to do the same.
223
00:08:46,317 --> 00:08:48,653
My plus-one was my mom.
224
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:51,364
Dude's mom won't even date him.
225
00:08:51,489 --> 00:08:54,159
She decided not to come because
[As Mom] "it sounds like
226
00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:57,120
a super-spreader event,
and COVID probably won't be
227
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:59,039
the worst of it."
228
00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:00,957
Well, I didn't know that.
229
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,459
Oh, well, hey, it's all right.
230
00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:04,627
It's not like you've ever done
anything impetuous before
231
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,421
without considering the consequences.
232
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,340
Okay, we can discuss
our shattered lives in the van.
233
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,760
Let's go.
234
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:12,969
One question.
235
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:15,263
"Impetuous" means doing
something quickly without care
236
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,724
or consideration for how
it affects other people.
237
00:09:17,849 --> 00:09:19,434
So, it has nothing to do
with being hungry?
238
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,186
I was way off.
239
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:25,774
We're running late.
Can't you drive any faster?
240
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,734
This is flat farmland.
241
00:09:27,859 --> 00:09:29,778
I've seen what these winds
are capable of.
242
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:32,322
Do you know what it's like to
take a loved one to identify
243
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,783
a cow with a pig through it?
244
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,618
Hey, Neville, what is this thing?
245
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,745
It's a horse speculum.
246
00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:41,372
Wow. Those things must be huge.
247
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:42,582
Look at this.
248
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:44,542
You can crank this thing even wider.
249
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:45,794
Put that down.
250
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,922
I'm sure you and the professor
will be very happy together.
251
00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,507
Well, we're not together.
252
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,092
And I am not a professor.
253
00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:53,635
Would you stop?!
254
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,845
I'm nervous enough about the
wedding without having to listen
255
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:59,099
to you idiots yammer about
what goes inside a horse.
256
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,353
JACKIE: Hey, it's Twister Hunters!
257
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:06,731
You guys onto something today?!
258
00:10:06,856 --> 00:10:08,441
You might want to turn back!
259
00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:10,360
A couple of funnels
have touched down in the west,
260
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:13,238
but the cell could move to the south!
261
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,949
Oh, my God! That's my therapist.
262
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,910
Dr. Harding?
263
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:20,120
What are you doing?
264
00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:23,164
You're a psychologist.
Why are you chasing tornadoes?
265
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:25,125
Oh, hey, Darlene!
266
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:27,627
Uh, my ex-wife told me
that I hide in my office
267
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:30,797
to avoid life and, uh, that I'm boring.
268
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:34,050
I'll tell ya, I'm sitting here
driving into a tornado!
269
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:36,136
Doesn't feel boring to me!
270
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:38,388
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna die!
271
00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:42,851
But you give me advice, and what
you're doing is insane!
272
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:46,354
Well, you gotta do as I say,
not as I do, Darlene.
273
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,314
How are the panic attacks coming?
274
00:10:48,439 --> 00:10:50,525
Well, I'm sitting in this van with my ex
275
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,777
and the guy that I was gonna go
to Hawaii with,
276
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:55,363
and a psychic told me that
the only way I'm ever gonna
277
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:59,159
figure out my life is if I go on
a spiritual journey.
278
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,494
Sounds like driving into
a tornado is the best thing
279
00:11:01,619 --> 00:11:03,955
that could happen to you right now!
280
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,540
Good luck!
281
00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:08,418
Great.
282
00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:11,838
If I die in the same van
as Billy Bong-Water over here,
283
00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:12,922
I'll never forgive you.
284
00:11:13,047 --> 00:11:14,841
Of course you won't. You'll be dead.
285
00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:17,260
[Scoffs] And you were gonna
marry this guy?
286
00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:21,047
♪
287
00:11:21,141 --> 00:11:22,682
Hi.
288
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:23,892
Oh, hey.
289
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,102
I'm Darlene.
290
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,146
Oh, a snake with a devil's head.
291
00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:30,523
- Cool.
- [Laughs] Thanks.
292
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,609
You must be one of the guys
in Louise's band.
293
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,402
Oh, no.
294
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:35,737
But I was in a gang once.
295
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,198
It's kind of like a band,
but if you make a mistake,
296
00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:41,075
they... mm! shoot you in the face.
297
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,119
Oh, well, thanks for coming.
298
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,204
- [Laughs]
- Uh, hi, Mom.
299
00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:45,788
I see you've met my date.
300
00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:46,873
This is Aldo.
301
00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:48,374
We work together at the tattoo shop.
302
00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:49,584
We could fight about it
right now, but that'd be
303
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,502
really selfish on Grandpa's big day.
304
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,046
See you later.
305
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,090
What was that about?
306
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,759
I have no idea.
307
00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,637
I think Harris is dating
some scary, old dude
308
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:02,138
with a neck tattoo.
309
00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:04,182
Wow. That is news to me.
310
00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:07,644
If I had known about that,
I would have told you immediately.
311
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:09,062
Wait, so you knew?
312
00:12:09,187 --> 00:12:10,647
Oh, yeah, I knew. Jackie, too.
313
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,735
Where's the rest of the family
and all the other guests?
314
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:18,071
Most of them couldn't make it
through the storm,
315
00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:20,573
but they're gonna try to make
the reception later.
316
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:22,617
Hey.
317
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,202
You guys seen Louise?
318
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:25,995
No, and I was just in
the bride's dressing room.
319
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,121
It's empty.
320
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,041
BECKY: To Dan and Louise!
321
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:33,169
May they last longer
than Darlene and Ben!
322
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,296
ALL: Cheers.
323
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,507
I thought that was really nice.
324
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,511
Does this apple juice taste
weird to anybody?
325
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:43,805
It's burning my throat. [Clears throat]
326
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,224
Oh, my God. This is champagne.
327
00:12:46,349 --> 00:12:49,394
You told me that the apple
juice was on the left!
328
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:52,105
It is! We were on the
other side when I told you.
329
00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:53,064
I'm so sorry.
330
00:12:53,189 --> 00:12:54,774
Here, this is the cider.
331
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:57,819
No, wait, I almost did it again.
332
00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:00,738
- Becky!
- It's okay. I-I got it.
333
00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:05,326
[Sobbing]
334
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:06,995
Do you know this is the men's room?
335
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,788
I don't care!
336
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:12,083
I'm so upset I thought
I was gonna throw up!
337
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,168
I blew my sobriety!
338
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,838
H-Hey, look, it was only one
sip, and it was an accident.
339
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:20,800
It doesn't matter!
A sip is considered a drink!
340
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:23,594
I should have smelled it first,
and now it's in me,
341
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,513
and now I'm afraid I'm gonna want more!
342
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,056
I don't know what to do!
343
00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:29,100
D-Do you want to call your sponsor?
344
00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:30,893
I tried. She didn't answer.
345
00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:32,353
I left a message.
346
00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:37,108
I can't go out there.
There's alcohol everywhere.
347
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:40,111
[Sighs] Hey, look,
then we can stay in here for a while.
348
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,071
I'll distract you.
349
00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:44,449
You know this church
used to be a Taco Bell?
350
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,367
That's why it has the Spanish motif.
351
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:50,204
All the original Taco Bells
used to look like the Alamo.
352
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:52,832
That's an interesting thing
to think about!
353
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:54,751
Not at all!
354
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:57,003
I have to get completely
out of my head right now,
355
00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:58,004
or I'll have to leave,
356
00:13:58,129 --> 00:14:00,173
and I don't want to leave
my dad's wedding!
357
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:01,799
How do we do that?
358
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,179
♪
359
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:12,018
[Playing "Bridal March"]
360
00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:14,687
♪ I am too old ♪
361
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:17,440
♪ To be a flower girl ♪
362
00:14:17,565 --> 00:14:22,320
♪ I'm 5'4" and I've already
kissed a boy ♪
363
00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:25,365
♪
364
00:14:25,490 --> 00:14:27,533
I'm here. [Laughs]
365
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:30,411
Glad you made it.
I almost didn't make it.
366
00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:31,996
Had to use the women's bathroom.
367
00:14:32,121 --> 00:14:33,289
I went in the men's room...
368
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,375
somebody was gettin' it on in the stall.
369
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:38,127
Don't judge. Maybe it was an emergency.
370
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,047
When your mom saw we were a couple,
371
00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:43,007
it looked like she was gonna pass out.
372
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:44,759
No! No, she always looks pale like that.
373
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,594
Oh, okay.
374
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,097
Uh, we need a minute here.
375
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:50,431
Okay, don't make a scene.
376
00:14:50,556 --> 00:14:53,226
Unless Louise doesn't show
and we need a distraction.
377
00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:56,229
Then you can go at each other
like a MMA pay-per-view.
378
00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:57,730
I gotta go.
379
00:14:57,855 --> 00:15:06,030
♪
380
00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:08,825
I know my dad invited you
because he felt obligated
381
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:11,494
because you work together,
but you didn't need to say yes.
382
00:15:11,619 --> 00:15:13,162
I don't even know why you're here.
383
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:14,914
This is a day for family.
384
00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:16,707
Do not come to the reception.
385
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:19,168
Well, it isn't your choice,
and I felt like I was family
386
00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:20,962
when I was helping
pay your dad's mortgage.
387
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:23,589
Oh, right, and you've been
so gracious about it.
388
00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:25,007
Oh, hey, I was happy to help.
389
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:27,093
And, yeah, I became close
with everybody in your family,
390
00:15:27,218 --> 00:15:29,679
which couldn't be helped because
there's like 20 of you!
391
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:31,722
Place is like a kennel!
392
00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:32,932
Well, that's over now.
393
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:35,518
When you bailed on me,
you bailed on my family!
394
00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:40,648
As we wait for the bride, we are silent.
395
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:45,445
♪
396
00:15:45,570 --> 00:15:47,905
Aw, crap.
397
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:52,743
♪
398
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,662
- Sorry I'm late.
- [Scoffs]
399
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:55,872
I didn't think you were coming,
400
00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:58,416
so I've been bad-mouthing you
behind your back.
401
00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:00,877
♪
402
00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:03,838
I can't tell you how glad I am
that you're here.
403
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,131
Well, we'll talk about it later.
404
00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:07,300
We're supposed to be walking.
405
00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:11,137
No. Let them wait a sec.
They're here for us.
406
00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:12,638
I just want to look at you.
407
00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:15,808
- You're beautiful.
- Mm.
408
00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:18,102
- Let's walk.
- Okay.
409
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:23,483
[Sighs] Thanks for helping me
when I needed it.
410
00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:25,401
When you said you were okay
just living together,
411
00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:26,777
I realized I wasn't.
412
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:29,030
I want to be your husband,
'cause once we're married,
413
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,823
that's at least one legal speed bump
414
00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:33,367
- before you can ditch me.
- [Sighs]
415
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,203
If everyone would take their seats...
416
00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:38,498
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...
417
00:16:38,623 --> 00:16:41,042
[Air raid sirens wailing]
418
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,253
Tornado!
419
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,172
Son of a bitch!
420
00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:48,716
I knew I shouldn't have done it
in the church.
421
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:53,262
Everyone, please move quickly
but in an orderly fashion
422
00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:54,514
to the shelter.
423
00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:57,225
They always give you at least
a ten-minute warning.
424
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,476
Finish the ceremony.
425
00:16:58,601 --> 00:16:59,852
Are you sure about this?
426
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:01,020
About marrying you? Yes.
427
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:03,481
About the ten minutes...
I-I'm less than confident.
428
00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:04,565
Let's go.
429
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:05,900
Um, okay.
430
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,193
[Quickly] Uh, we are gathered here today
431
00:17:07,318 --> 00:17:09,362
to witness and celebrate
the marriage of Louise and Dan.
432
00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:10,363
Better cut to the chase.
433
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:11,447
Yes, okay. Uh, right.
434
00:17:11,572 --> 00:17:13,366
Do you, Louise Beth Goldufski,
take this man...
435
00:17:13,491 --> 00:17:15,952
[Glass shatters]
436
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:19,330
[Wind howling]
437
00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:25,044
We have to go!
438
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,338
No, we can still get to the "I do's"!
439
00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:28,381
Guys, come on!
440
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:30,466
We're holding the cellar door for you!
441
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:32,385
This place is gonna come down!
442
00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:35,471
God gave us a shelter! Let's honor Him!
443
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:39,892
Every year, I renew
my certificate as a minister
444
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:41,602
to the Universal Life Church!
445
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:45,231
It's mostly a tax break,
but I can do marriages!
446
00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:48,234
- L-Let's do it!
- The abbreviated version!
447
00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:50,069
Okay, Dan, do you take this woman
448
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,320
to be your lawful wedded wife?
449
00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:52,780
- Yeah, I do.
- What about this guy?
450
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,240
Yeah, sure, it's been going
pretty well so far.
451
00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:57,118
Yeah, by the power vested in me
by the back pages
452
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:58,869
of "High Times" magazine,
453
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:01,289
I now pronounce you
man and wife! Do the thing!
454
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:02,665
- Oh!
- Let's get the hell out of here!
455
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,709
Oh!
456
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:06,085
♪
457
00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:08,004
JACKIE: Mm, mm!
458
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:09,338
[Slurring] I wanna make a toast!
459
00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:10,548
ALL: No!
460
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:11,882
Show us your boobs!
461
00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:12,925
Hey!
462
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:13,926
Later!
463
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,553
[Laughter]
464
00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:17,471
To Dan and Louise!
465
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:20,725
May they last longer
than Ben and Darlene!
466
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:24,228
I thought that was so funny
when Becky did that!
467
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,522
Yeah, show's over, Shecky.
468
00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:30,151
I just want to say something.
469
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:33,571
I want to thank all of you for
making my life so wonderful.
470
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:36,198
And thank you, Louise...
471
00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:38,326
for finding a way to top that.
472
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,870
Aww. That was beautiful, Dan.
473
00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:42,371
Now show us your boobs!
474
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:43,414
[Laughter]
475
00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:44,665
Later!
476
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,752
And to my hubby!
477
00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:51,213
Oh, man, I never thought
I would say that.
478
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:53,674
But now I don't think I'll ever stop.
479
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:54,759
Ooh.
480
00:18:58,262 --> 00:19:00,056
Thanks for being there for me today.
481
00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:02,725
I have to come up with
some better coping skills,
482
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,310
for both our sakes.
483
00:19:04,435 --> 00:19:06,771
- You got this.
- Aww.
484
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:09,649
You know I have my nephew's
christening next week.
485
00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:12,234
It'll be kind of a letdown
without all the fornicating
486
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,196
and destruction of
a Conner get-together.
487
00:19:15,321 --> 00:19:16,822
It's what we do.
488
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:21,744
Since the reception's off,
when everyone leaves,
489
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,121
can Ben stay and do foreign-movie night?
490
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:26,082
We're gonna watch "Master of
the Flying Guillotine,"
491
00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:27,917
put it on mute, and do our own dialogue
492
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:29,460
so it becomes a rom-com.
493
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:30,961
They lose their heads in love.
494
00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:34,173
You know, Mark, we might just
have to put a pin
495
00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:36,425
in foreign-movie night for a while.
496
00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:38,260
That is so unfair.
497
00:19:38,386 --> 00:19:40,596
How about you guys figure out
how to be around each other
498
00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:42,640
so you don't screw up stuff in my life?
499
00:19:42,765 --> 00:19:45,434
I still like Ben, and depending
on what you decide,
500
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:47,645
I'll tell you how I feel about you.
501
00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:51,524
I'm just gonna grab a beer.
502
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:58,030
Mark wants you to stay for movie night.
503
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:00,282
How do you feel about that?
504
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:02,451
[Laughs] I hate it.
505
00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:05,496
Really hard to be in the same
room with you right now.
506
00:20:05,621 --> 00:20:08,040
But I shouldn't let that
affect your relationship
507
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:09,500
with Mark.
508
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,627
I hope you'll understand if
I choose to go out in a tornado
509
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:14,004
rather than sticking around
while you're here.
510
00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:17,466
Well, you're a good mom.
511
00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:18,801
Hmm.
512
00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:21,178
Must have killed you to say
something nice about me.
513
00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:24,181
Burned my throat like
a ghost pepper, but I'll heal.
514
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:27,059
Mm, be careful out there, will ya?
515
00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:28,644
You might want to put
some rocks in your pockets,
516
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:32,690
or the wind'll carry you off
like a plastic bag.
517
00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:35,526
Thanks for caring.
518
00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,404
It's hard to stop...
even if you want to.
519
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:42,158
JACKIE: Ben, look at my boobs!
520
00:20:42,283 --> 00:20:43,784
BEN: Oh, God!
521
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:45,619
♪
522
00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:49,081
♪ I was dancin'... ♪
523
00:20:49,206 --> 00:20:50,833
I will always remember you
524
00:20:50,958 --> 00:20:53,294
just as you look right now.
525
00:20:54,378 --> 00:20:55,921
Are you going off to war?
526
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:57,590
No.
527
00:20:57,715 --> 00:21:01,051
I mean, you'll never
get older in my eyes.
528
00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:03,512
You're always gonna look just like this.
529
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,557
[Smooches] I love you, Mr. Conner.
530
00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:08,851
I love you, Mrs. Conner. [Chuckles]
531
00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:11,437
♪ ...were dancing ♪
532
00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:13,314
♪ My friend stole... ♪
533
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:16,734
Um, eventually, they're all
gonna move out, right?
534
00:21:17,485 --> 00:21:20,196
Let's not spoil the moment.
535
00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:23,282
♪ I remember the night ♪
536
00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:27,536
♪ And the Tennessee Waltz ♪
38968
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