Original subtitles

(Music)

-(ALARM BEEPS) -Huh?

-(SHUTS ALARM) -(YAWNS)

(SMACKS LIPS)

(SHOWER RUNS)

(BRUSHES TEETH)

(GARGLES AND SPITS)

(GRUNTS)

Oh, Allan, last night was amazing!

Okay.

Oh, Allan! Hello.

Fancy running into you here.

Oh. Hi, Mr. Landlord.

I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out with me

and smoke weed, and fill our bellies with diet soda,

and play Burnout Revenge for the PS2.

No, thanks. I have to go to work.

Suit yourself!

(LAUGHS, MUMBLES)

(SCOOTER WHIRS)

-(DOOR KNOB CLICKS) -(DOOR THUDS)

So yeah, that's pretty much it.

That's the job.

Everything I just said.

Holy moly, this is gonna be the coolest job ever!

Ha. Yeah, you know what, Pim?

Usually you and I have

like opposing views on stuff.

but I think we're on the same page on this one, man.

I'm-- I'm genuinely excited.

Hi, Allan. Bye, Allan.

MR. BOSS: Oh, Allan!

I actually have a very exciting job for you, too!

I just ran out of those little metal things

that hold paper together.

The F are they called again?

You know, the thing that's all like--

(BONES CRACKLE)

Paper clips?

Yeah, that's it!

If you could fetch some for me.

I might have a special reward for you.

Hmm. What's that reward?

Well, if I told you it wouldn't be a surprise, Allan.

Now would it?

No, I guess, not.

Okay, I'm gonna go get those paper clips then.

Cool. Cool.

I really hurt my finger doin’ that paper clip bit.

Yeah, no, I-- I saw.

(SCOOTER WHIRS)

(DOOR SHUTS)

Ah, excuse me?

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, man.

I'm j-- I'm in the middle of something here.

I just need some help.

I am warning you right now, dude.

Keep screwin’ around,

and bad shit's gonna happen, man.

You don't need to be rude.

Okay, what's up, man? What do you want, huh?

What's goin’ on? What do you need, man?

Don't get nervous now, man. What?

Ask your-- ask your question.

Go ahead. What? What? What’s up?

Look, asshole, I’m just wondering if you have any--

-Asshole? -Yeah, asshole.

Asshole? Did you call me an asshole?

Yes, I did, because you’re being an asshole.

-Bro, what do you mean asshole? -Why didn't you help me?

I'm in the middle of something right now.

-You don’t you work here? -I’m just a customer!

You-- you walk up to me and you’re gonna just

start buggin’ me with stupid questions.

I-- I'm not bugging you.

-I'm just asking if you just... -What do you mean? What?

Armzo, who told you to stop stacking

with your six arms?

Sir, do you know where I can find some paper clips?

Paper clips?

No, sorry. Unfortunately, we're sold-out.

Sold out?

Hmm, is there somewhere else where I can get them?

Hmm, the only place that might have ‘em

is that computer repair shop over in Crimeville.

-Oh, thanks. -Anytime.

And, Armso, if you screw up again,

you're going back to the psych ward!

-(CANS RATTLE) -Thanks, man.

Thanks for getting me in trouble,

two-armed piece of shit.

Sure thing! Hey, good bye, spider.

-Good bye! -Good bye!

-Bye-bye. -Keep stacking!

-Bye, bye. -Keep stackin’!

-Bye-bye. -Bye-bye.

-I will, I will. Bye-bye. -Good bye.

Get out of here, man.

-Whoa! -(THUD)

(SCOOTER WHIRS)

(GIBBERS)

(DOOR CHIME RINGS)

(DOOR SHUTS IN BACKGROUND)

No, please don't rob me! Please!

Whoa, hey, I am not here to rob you.

I just wanna buy that box of paper clips.

Oh, yes.

Huh, my last box.

No, unfortunately, I cannot sell these to you.

For, you see, these paper clips are absolutely perfect

for tinkering with any machine I've come across.

I've never found anything else with this unique shape.

Uh, sorry if this is rude

but why don't you just use your long nose?

What? That-- that's ridiculous!

I've never heard of such a thing.

Though, I suppose tryin’ couldn't hurt.

-(CLICK) -(DEVICE BEEPS)

No, this can't be. I-- I-- I must be dreaming.

-(CLICK) -(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

Oh my God!

-(CLICKING) -This actually works!

This somehow works better than the paper clips!

My business is going to thrive now.

Here, you-- you can have the paper clips for free.

I don't even need them anymore.

They're yours.

Oh, uh, thank you.

Oh my God! Oh my God!

-(CLICKING) -(SHUTS DOOR)

That was annoying.

What the...

I steal these things, man.

Hey, give them back!

(PANTS)

(GRUNTS)

-(FLICKS SWITCHES) -(HELICOPTER WHIRS)

(PANTS)

(PIGEONS COO)

(GRUNTS)

-(PIGEONS SHRIEKING) -(BLOOD SPLASHES)

(SCREAMS)

(WIPERS SQUEAK)

Land this helicopter and give my paper clips back.

Shut up, man.

This helicopter ain't stoppin’ until I'm in Tijuana, man.

(HELICOPTER WHIRS)

(RADAR BEEPS)

(BABBLES)

Hmm.

(BABBLES)

(AIRPLANES WHOOSHING)

This is the Unites States Air Force.

You've entered restricted airspace,

and are being intercepted by an armed air defense fighter.

Acknowledge immediately.

Oh, acknowledge this.

-Fuck you, man. -(FIRES)

(SCREAMS)

(FIRING)

What the hell are you doin’ out there, man?

What are you doin’, man?

(ALLAN GRUNTING)

(FIRES)

(MISSILE WHIZZES)

-(YELLS) -(EXPLOSION)

(SCREAMS)

Oh, we goin’ down, boy!

(ALLAN SCREAMS)

(SOUND OF LOUD EXPLOSION)

DJ SPIT: Oh, Siri,

It's getting cold and my belly aches.

(GROANS)

Huh?

(THUDDING)

Hmm. Mm.

(QUICK FOOTFALLS)

Ugh, god dammit.

(QUICK FOOTFALLS)

(PEES, GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(BIG FOOT GRUNTS IN RELIEF)

Oh! Fuck, that was nice!

(SPITS)

(GRUNTS)

(BOX WHOOSHES, BONES CLINK)

(GROWLS)

(BONES CLINK)

Yar, I finally got me booty!

(LAUGHS)

Hey! (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS)

(CHEER TOGETHER)

PIRATE: Yar! Shake sands, babies!

(WATER SPLASHES)

(WATER SPLASHES)

Yar, there's a red scallywag trying to pirate us pirates!

(YELLING)

(ARROWS WHOOSHING)

(INDISTINCT SPEECH)

(EXPLOSION)

(CHEER AND LAUGH TOGETHER)

(WATER SPLASHES)

(SCREAM TOGETHER)

(GROWLS)

(WATER SPLASHES)

(BURSTS)

(THUDDING)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

-Where are my paper clips? -I don't know.

I'm sorry I did all that stuff back there.

Please, I fucked up.

Just, please, help me.

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

I'm just trying to do my job!

(WATER GUSHES)

(SCREAMS)

(WAVES CRASHING)

(GROANS)

Thank God, finally.

What the fuck?

“If thou wishes to obtain the paper clips,

thoueth shall come to 221 Meep Boulevard,

apartment 17-B."”

Wait a second, that's my apartment complex.

(KNOCKS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Hello?

(THUD)

Hello, Allan.

Are you looking for these?

Wait, it was you who bought up all the paper clips?

It was all a ruse, you pathetic little ant.

For, you see, I, the landlord, was the mastermind

the entire time!

Every single thing that's happened to you

over the last 24 hours was orchestrated by me

and my insane mind!

Wait, so even when I got robbed, that was you?

Yes, all delicately coordinated beforehand,

using paid actors and animatronics.

What about the skeleton chopping off the Bigfoot's head?

Yes, all me.

The whole thing cost me $750,000,

and over eight months of planning,

just to lead you right here into the palm of my hands.

Why would you do this?

To make one simple request.

Okay, what is it?

I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out with me,

and smoke weed and fill out bellies with diet soda,

and play Burnout Revenge for the PS2.

How about I come knock your block off,

and take those paper clips from you?

Uh, uh, uh!

(TIMER BEEPING)

If you lay your filthy paws on me,

I'll blow this entire city to smithereens!

So what will it be, Allan?

(TIMER BEEPING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Ha, I'm totally pawning you, dude,

this is embarrassing!

-(CAR WHIRS) -(THUD)

You're not even trying. C-- come on!

Really try to actually beat me this time.

I am trying. You keep ramming me.

No, you-- you're not actually trying, are you?

I mean, maybe if you really, really tried.

These paper clips are absolutely perfect

for tinkering with any machine I've come across.

By the way, I'm not a flashback.

I actually died

like not long after you left my store.

Anyways, I should be getting back to hell now.

(YELLS)

(MR. LANDLORD LAUGHS)

You suck!

It's like you're not even playing!

(CLICK)

What the-- What have you done?

I turned off your bomb, you psycho.

(CONTROLLER THUDDING)

I have brought great dishonor to my ancestors.

(SWORD TINGS)

(GROANS)

(THUD)

(FOOTFALLS)

(DOOR KNOB CLICKS)

(DOOR THUDS)

(INSECTS CHIRPING IN BACKGROUND)

Dude, that job we just went up to,

the one we just got back from,

that was probably the coolest, and-- and craziest,

and most fun adventure we've ever got.

Yep, I-- I agree, Charlie, I think-- I think

I'm completely changed after that.

And yeah, I think we-- we won't be able to beat it.

It was just the best one ever.

The best adventure yet.

Ever. Yeah.

Yup, yup.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Boss.

I got those paper clips you wanted.

Oh. Thanks, Allan!

Well, like I promised, here's your reward.

Open your hands up, son.

That's a little version of me, Allan.

I want you to have it.

Uh, I-- I don't really want this.

I mean, I'll-- I'll take it if you don't want it, Allan.

-Uh-- -If you don't want that.

I mean, yeah, for sure, here.

-Thanks, man. -Take it.

I'll put it right there.

I-- uh, if that's alright with you, Mr. Boss.

If Charlie has it instead.

I-- I mean you already gave it to him,

but it's your gift, man.

Do whatever you want with it.

You wanna-- yeah.

(♪♪)

Allan! You will hang out with me again!

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

VOICEOVER: Goblin caught on tape.