Original subtitles

I've got no delusions Mr. Portnoy.

'I mean, I don't expect to get treated like no princess'

'but I've got feelings too, just like the next person.'

'So how much of this stuff am I supposed to take?'

'I can write letters to the mayor, every hour on the hour''

'"It's just a big waste of time", he said.'

'He's not putting no radiator in the bathroom, and that's that''

'So I said, "What do I do when it's below zero in this city'

freeze my a- my arms off?"

And he says, "You can always move to the Waldorf Astoria."

Like it's all a big joke or something.

That's when I picked up the phone book and threw it at him.

'It wasn't one of those with the hard black covers'

'like you see in phone booth. It was-It was a soft one.'

'Just Manhattan or maybe the Bronx, I don't know.'

'So, what's the big deal is what I'm trying to find out''

'Why have I gotta lose my job and get insulted by the cops'

'like I'm a criminal, when all I'm doing is make the city'

'force this son of a- this miserable man to come up'

'with a crummy radiator, so I can live like a human being?'

'I'm a human being, Mr. Portnoy, like you and everybody else.'

'And I don't have to suffer like no animal'

'every time it gets freezing in this city.'

- Why don't you sit over here? - What?

'Why don't you sit over here?'

Oh.

'So, it's in your hands now, Mr. Portnoy, and I sure hope'

'you do something quick, because it isn't the job'

or the money, it is a matter of principle.

And the principle is, I wanna see this dirty bas..

'...this miserable guy get what's coming to him.'

'Now, I don't mean to say I don't want that radiator.'

Don't get me wrong. Spring is spring, and summer is summer.

'But, winter'll be here before I can find my way'

out of this crazy building.

Hey. You don't happen to have no job around here for me, do you?

'Nah, forget it. I'm not here looking for no job.'

'I am here looking for justice.'

'And you look like the kind of fella who could give it to me''

[phone buzzing]

Excuse me.

Yes?

Yes, I know I'm late. Thanks.

Well, now, thank you very much for taking all this trouble

- to come here personally. - Listen, no trouble. Thank you.

You'll hear from me, don't worry and so will Mr. Banducci.

Bandulo.

Bandulo!

I'll get into you, uh, into it, right away.

Thanks again, Mr. Portnoy.

Not at all.

[bell dings]

I've enjoyed every minute of it.

["Portnoy's Complaint Theme" by Michel Legrand]

[theme music continues]

[screaming]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[screaming]

[music continues]

[doorknob clicks]

Look, I just want you to know, I think continuing with this

is gonna be a complete waste of time.

Not a goddamn thing is gonna come of it.

Ever since I got back from Europe, I've been lying

in that womanless bed of mine every night

with a volume of Sigmund Freud in my hand

learning about impedance and infantile fixations.

Sometimes Freud in hand, sometimes Portnoy in hand..

...sometimes both.

Which reminds me, my mother called me today

right in the middle..

[laughing]

Nah, to hell with that.

[sighs]

It's the Monkey. Mary Jane Reid.

I still keep seeing her jumping.

Every place I go, she's making that awful leap.

She's-she's hurtling down at me, she won't go away.

She's falling, always falling and she's going to smash

right into the ground, and me with her.

I mean, the Monkey's jumping off every building in New York.

I'm beginning to get a little bored with it, doctor.

[machine whirring]

Ah! Yeah, yeah.

I'm wasting time.

I know, I know.

Okay!

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen

direct from a record-breaking engagement with his own family.

That bad little, good little Jewish boy

torn by desires repugnant to his conscience

and by a conscience repugnant to his desires

brought to you by the makers of Two Cents Plain.

"The Alexander Portnoy Show."

Hey.

I remember how my mother taught me to take a leak, standing up.

This may be the information we've been waiting for.

No?

The key to what determined my character...or the lack of it.

'You wanna hear how I learned to pee into the bowl, like a man''

Just listen to this. I stand over the circle of water

while with one hand my momma makes a trickle from the faucet.

With the other hand she tickles the underside of my weenie.

I guess she thinks that's how you get stuff to come out

of the front of that thing. And let me tell you, doctor..

...the lady's right.

'And where was my father, as mommy was teaching'

'her little baby boy, how to grow up? He was drinking.'

'Of course, not drinking whiskey, like most men.'

But mineral oil and chewing on ex-lax morning and night.

He suffered from constipation. Oh, God, did he suffer?

[door slams]

Listen, big shot teenager. Don't make me tell you again.

Get out of those dungarees and wear some decent clothes

like me and your sister.

They're not dungarees, they're Levis.

To me you're wearing overalls.

'I'm sorry, just because it's your holiday'

'doesn't mean it's mine.'

'Where the devil is my Myth?'

I don't believe in religion, any religion.

- They're all a bunch of lies. - Oh, they are, are they?

I'm not gonna act like holidays mean anything, when they don't.

Maybe they don't mean anything because you don't know anything

about it, Mr. High I.Q.

One, two, three, you were Bar Mitzvahed and that was that?

What do you know about Jewish people that you call suffering

and heartache a lie?

I know enough!

All he wants is, even if you won't go to the synagogue

- just change your clothes. - For what?

Why don't you tell me to change my clothes

for some alley-cat or tree because at least they exist.

If your mother was here, now. If she wasn't sick in the hospital

with her agony...one day a year you ask him to do something..

...he's too big for it. He's too brilliant for it.

A's in school, but in life, he's as ignorant as he was born.

You! You! You're the ignorant one!

- You! - Alex.

Twenty years with all that suffering and heartache crap!

Will you stop it? Be quiet, don't talk him like that.

Mind your own damn business.

Go ahead.

Wear rags for all I care.

Dress like a peddler.

Shame me, embarrass me, do anything you want to me.

[door slams]

(Alex) 'Hi, ma.'

Alex.

Come here, darling.

Come here.

Mrs. Rosaline, this is my boy, Alex.

He looks like you.

[laughing]

Come. Sit closer, sweetheart.

You didn't go with your father. He called.

Mother, look, I--

Please, there must be better things to talk about.

Mmm, here, finish it. Ginger ale.

'Take.'

I'm not thirsty.

Come here. Come here. Look how you're perspiring.

I'm not thirsty.

'Don't be so polite all of a sudden.'

- But I don't like ginger ale. - 'You don't like ginger ale?'

No.

'Since when?'

Ma, I'm..

We're so happy.

I...that...that you're all okay now.

I mean, I'm...I'm glad that you're coming home.

He loves baseball. He could play baseball 12 months of the year.

Center fielder for the CB's.

Yeah, we got a league game today.

On Jewish holiday?

A lot of things go on on a Jewish holiday.

The whole world goes on on a Jewish holiday.

Rabbi Vorshop was here. You remember Rabbi Vorshop?

Yeah, I remember Rabbi Vorshop.

He Bar Mitzvahed my Alex, Rabbi Vorshop.

'It was such a beautiful Bar Mitzvah. So lovely it was''

'He didn't forget us a single word.'

And another thing, I'm sick and tired of Goyisha this

and Goyisha that.

If it's bad, it's the Goyim, if it's good, it's the Jews.

Everyone wasn't lucky enough to have been born a Jew, you know.

So how about a little compassion for the less fortunate, okay?

'It turns out, that there is just a little bit more to lif''

'than what you can stick into those two useless'

and disgusting categories.

So instead of crying for "He who refuses to take off his Levis

and go to the synagogue", instead of wailing for

"He who has turned his back on the song of his people"

'weep your own pathetic selves, why don't you?'

It's coming out of my ears already, the Goyim and the Jews.

Do me a favor, my people, stick your narrow-minded categories

up your narrow-minded ass.

[cheering]

[Alex laughing]

(female) 'What?'

[puffing]

(Alex) 'Nothing.'

I've just been re-writing my Bar Mitzvah..

...twenty years ago.

Alex..

Mm-hmm?

- Who's Thereal? - Thereal?

- I think that's what you said. - When?

When you were cumming, you cried out, "Thereal."

Come on, who the hell is she?

- Do you really wanna know? - Better be good.

She was a mythical, marvelous whore I invented

when I was a kid in high school.

A girl of my erotic dreams, Thereal McCoy.

Oh, and I'm your erotic dream come true.

I used to spend half my life, locked in the bathroom

firing my wad down the toilet bowl.

Or into the dirty clothes in the laundry hamper

or up against the medicine chest mirror

so I could see how it looked coming out.

[laughing]

And always it was Thereal McCoy, I was doing it to.

Always Thereal McCoy panting, "Oh, give it to me, big boy!"

- "Give it to me!" - I know how she felt.

I was totally incapable of keeping my paws from my dong

once it started to climb.

- Me too. - Nay.

In the middle of a class I would rush to the boys' room

and beat off into urinal.

At the movies...I'd leave my friends, go to the candy machine

and wind up in a distant balcony seat

squirting my seed into the empty wrapper from a Mounds Bar.

[laughing]

God, I love this.

Once at a picnic, my mother cored an apple for me.

When I saw what it looked like, I ran off with it to the woods.

And pretended that the cool hole of the fruit

was between the legs of that wonderful girl

who always called me "big boy" and pleaded for more.

"Oh, shove it in me, big boy", cried the cored apple

as I banged it silly, on that picnic.

"Big boy, big boy. Oh, give me all you've got!"

begged the empty milk bottle

that I kept hidden in our basement

to drive wild after school with my vaselined upright.

"Cum, big boy, cum", screamed the maddened piece of liver

that in my insanity I bought one afternoon at a butcher shop

and believe it or not, violated behind a billboard

on the way to a Bar Mitzvah lesson.

Liver. That's really creative.

[laughing]

It wasn't my first piece either.

My...my..

...my first piece, I found in our refrigerator one afternoon

when I came home from school.

And had in the privacy of the bathroom at 3:30.

And then had again on the end of a fork at 6 o'clock that evening

along with the other members of my poor innocent family.

So, now you know the worst thing I've ever done, Monkey.

I fucked my own family's dinner.

[laughing]

If only I had known you then..

...I could've saved you so much trouble.

Finally, I discovered a little discolored dot down there.

Long after, I found out it was a freckle.

But then...cancer.

I'd given myself cancer.

All that pulling and tugging, all that friction.

I used to cry in bed at night.

"No, I don't want to die. Please, no."

But then, because I will very surely be a corpse anyway

I went ahead as usual and jerked off into my sock.

[laughing]

- Your sock? - Sure.

I had taken to carrying my dirty socks into bed with me at night.

To use one as a receptacle on retiring

and the other one, upon awakening.

If only I could have cut down to one handjob a week

or held the line at two or even three.

But with the prospect of death before me

I actually began to set new records for myself.

Before meals, after meals, during meals.

(Alex) 'Oh.'

'Oh, diarrhea. I got diarrhea''

(female) 'So, what else is new?'

(Alex) 'Oh.'

Thereal...my Thereal.

I don't know what's gonna be with that boy.

The luck of the young, he's got diarrhea. I got concrete.

[Alex groaning]

- Listen to the pain. - I should have such pain.

What kind of talk is that? Can't you hear the suffering?

I should have such suffering.

(Alex) 'Oh, oh.'

If I could do what he's doing, just once a day

I'd be happy to do it in Macy's window.

Macy's doesn't need your business.

I wish they could use my concrete.

- Oh, daddy! - Oh, daddy.

Listen, from where I sit, and I've sat there a long time.

What your brother is doing in there right now

is what I would call having a good time.

[Alex moaning]

[toilet seat clanks]

You let me handle this.

I don't understand why you have to make such a noise in there?

What is this a home or the metropolitan opera house?

Privacy, a human being around here never can do or..

(sister) 'Daddy's just jealous.'

Alex, I want an answer from you.

About what?

About you in that bathroom, was it..

I don't feel well. Everybody leave me alone.

Did you eat French fries after school?

- No! - Is that why you're sick?

No, I didn't!

For heaven's sake, isn't there any other subject--

How can a person digest his food around here--

Leave me alone!

I'll leave you alone when you explain to me exactly--

- Oh! Ooh! - Alex.

(sister) 'Here we go again.'

[doorknob jolting]

Come on, give somebody else a crack at that bowl.

'I haven't come up with anything in a week.'

I'm busy, I'm in here. Doesn't that mean anything to anyone?

Open up.

Alex, I want you to open up this instant.

[Alex groaning]

Alex, are you in pain? Do you want me to call the doctor?

I want to know exactly where it hurts? Answer me.

[Alex groaning]

I don't like the sound of this, I don't want you to flush.

I want to see what you've done in there.

[toilet flushing]

Alex!

- What's the big deal? - It's about time.

- You stay right here. - I got homework.

Why did you flush the toilet, when I told you not to?

I forgot.

What was in there that you were so fast to flush it?

Diarrhea.

Was it mostly liquid or mostly poopy?

I don't look, I didn't look. Stop saying "poopy" to me.

- I'm in high school. - Don't you shout at me.

Don't think you're fooling me. Hannah tells me about you.

Hannah?

- So don't think I don't know. - Yeah, what do I do?

You got to Harold's hot dog at Hazarai palace after school

and you eat French fries with Melvin Weiner.

That's what you do! And don't lie to me, neither.

Jack! Jack!

- Come out of there. Hear this. - 'I'm moving my bowels!'

'Don't I have enough trouble, without people screaming'

'when I'm trying to move my bowels?'

You know what your son does after school?

The A student who his own mother can't say "poopy" to anymore.

He's such a grown up. What does he do when nobody's watching?

'Can I please be left alone? Please.'

'Can I have a little peace while I try to get something'

'accomplished in here.'

Just wait till your father hears what you do

in defiance of every health habit there could possibly be.

Alex, answer me something.

How do you think Melvin Weiner gave himself colitis?

Why has that child spent half his life in hospitals?

- Because he eats hazarai. - Don't make fun of me!

Alright, how did he get colitis?

Because he eats hazarai.

[laughing]

And it's not a joke.

Alex. Alex, tell me something just so it's not a mystery

and I wouldn't tell your father.

But I must have the truth from you.

Is it just French fries, darling, or is it more?

Tell me please. What other kind of garbage are you putting

into your mouth, that you're getting this diarrhea?

Are you eating hamburger out?

Answer me, please. Is that why you flush the toilet?

Was there hamburger?

I told you, I don't look in the bowl when I flush it.

I'm not interested like you are in other people's poopy.

Why don't you just plain to stop eating or something?

Look who's talking!

Alex, Alex. Why are you getting like this?

What horrible thing have we done to you all our lives

that this should be our reward?

Alex, he had a headache on him, he could hardly see straight.

He did?

He's not going in next week for a test.

- For a test? - For a tumor.

- Oh, Jesus. - Bring him in, the doctor said.

"I may have to give him a test for a tumor".

Alright, what is it that was so urgent

you couldn't wait for me to come out to tell me.

- Nothing! It's settled. - What do you mean, settled?

'What's settled? What'd he do''

I told you, what he did is over and done with, god willing, you!

Did you accomplish anything in there?

Of course, I didn't accomplish anything in there.

'Jack, what is it gonna be, with you and those bowels?'

They turned into cement and the cement turned to concrete.

- That's what it's gonna be. - 'Because you eat too fast.'

- I don't eat too fast. - How then? Slow?

I eat regular.

You eat like a pig. Somebody should tell you that.

'Oh, you got a wonderful way of expressing yourself sometimes''

I'm only speaking the truth.

- 'So what did he do?' - I don't wanna upset you.

Let's just forget the whole thing.

[sobbing]

What?

He eats French fries. He goes after school with Melvin Weiner.

He stuffs himself with French fry potatoes.

Jack, you tell him. I'm only his mother.

Tell him what the end is gonna be. Alex!

'It begins with diarrhea. Do you know how it ends?'

With a sensitive stomach like yours, do you know how it ends?

Wearing a plastic bag to do your business in.

You heard your mother?

Don't eat French fries with Melvin Weiner after school.

Jack. Forever, tell him that, forever.

- Forever! - 'Jack.'

All hamburgers out.

- All hamburgers out! - Hamburgers, hamburgers!

They could put in anything in the world. And he eats them!

'Make him promise before it's too late.'

I promise!

Alex, this time, this time, don't flush. Do you hear me?

I have to see what's in that bowl.

(mother) 'Alex!'

(Alex) Doctor, do you understand what I was up against?

Do you get what I'm trying to say?

All I really had that I could call my own was my wang.

In fact it was the only thing that really understood me.

The least I could do for it was find it a girl.

(male) 'That's her, Portnoy.'

Bubbles Giradi.

What a pig!

Jesus, I'm gonna cum just looking at her.

You really think, she'll do it, Smolka?

Are you kidding?

I'm gonna put you and Mandel between those legs right now.

Right in her own living room. All I gotta do is ask.

- Is he shitting us, Arnie? - Better not be.

I've been pounding off over this for a week.

You don't believe me, forget it.

I do, I do. I've been saving the Trojan for six months.

Okay, then.

Let's go.

Hey, Bubbles.

Get lost, Smolka.

(Mandel) 'Gorgeous, as ever.'

- 'Screw you, Mandel.' - Anytime, baby.

'What do you guys want? I'm busy.'

- I gotta talk to you. - So, go ahead and talk.

- Who the hell is he? - Oh, that's--

Ah! Paruda. Anthony Paruda.

You can call me Tony.

Come on, Giradi, I've gotta talk to you for a minute, in private.

Come on, let's go.

I told you, Smolka, I'm busy. Can't you see?

Hey, come on, Bubbles.

This is me, Smolka. Who don't take "no" for no answer.

Inside.

For Christ's sakes.

You guys!

Whoa!

Jesus, Mandel. Suppose we get caught?

Portnoy, will you stop worrying!

But what about her brother, the paratrooper?

No problem. He's going six rounds tonight

in Hoboken under the name of Johnny Girardi.

Her old man drives for the mob, all night.

He don't show till daylight.

- And her mother? - No problem, she's dead.

Arnie. One more thing.

- For Christ's sakes, now what? - Suppose she's got the syph?

- Syph? - Yeah.

So what, a little syph's gonna hurt you?

Well, no. I mean, what do I care?

But I got a hunch it may not be my mother's favorite disease.

[metal clanking]

Alex, what is that you're hiding under your foot?

Uh, nothing. Nothing.

Don't lie to me, young man, I heard a definite click.

What is that, that fell outta your trousers?

You're stepping on it with your foot, out of your new trousers?

It's nothing. It's my shoe. Leave me alone.

Alex, what have you..

Oh, my God!

(mother) 'Jack, come here quick, Jack.'

- Now, what? - Jack! Look.

Look on the floor by his shoe.

What is that, mister? Some smart high school joke?

What is that black plastic thing doing on the floor?

It's not a plastic one.

It's my own.

I caught the syph from an 18-year-old Italian girl.

From hillside..

...and now..

...and ho..

...I have no more p-p-penis..

[crying]

- No cigar. - What?

She don't wanna do it with you guys.

But you said that Portnoy and me were going to get laid.

You said we were gonna get blowed.

Reamed, steamed, and dry cleaned is what you said.

So sue me.

Fuck it! She doesn't wanna do it, no need to. Let's go.

Go, my ass!

Big man, for you she'll do anything.

What kind of crap is this, Smolka?

I-I mean, won't she even beat our meat?

I don't know, maybe she's a vegetarian.

Look, she doesn't wanna do it. Let's go.

Who the hell is she, that she can't give a guy a handjob?

A measly handjob.

Now, is this the world to ask of her?

Well, I'm not leaving until she comes through with something.

A handjob.

Okay, she'll jerk off one of you guys.

But only with his pants on. And that's all.

- I ain't-- - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Flip a coin.

Heads or tails?

- Tails. - Heads.

It hit the ceiling. It don't count.

- Tell him it don't count. - It don't count.

Do keep your voice down, Mandel.

Hi.

Look, let's get it straight.

You are the only one I'm doing it to.

You and that's it.

It's entirely up to you.

Alright, take it out of your pants.

But don't take 'em down. You hear me?

Because I told 'em, I ain't doing nothing to no one's balls.

- Fine, fine. Whatever you say. - Don't try to touch me, either.

Look, if you want me to, I'll go.

Just take it out.

[zipper unzips]

Sure, if that's what you want.

Ah..

...can't, uh..

It's funny..

Can't seem to, uh..

Just have to get, uh..

Ah!

Is that it?

Well, it gets bigger when it gets harder.

I ain't got all night, you know.

Oh, I don't think it'll be all night.

Lay down.

What's the matter, can't you get it up?

Uh, yeah. Usually I can.

Well, then stop holdin' it back on me.

I'm not! I'm trying, Bubbles.

I'm gonna count to 50.

And, uh, if you can't do it by then, it ain't my fault.

One, two, three, four

five, six, seven, eight

nine, ten.

Think of something.

11, 12, 13, 14.

Somthin' sexy.

15, 16..

[mumbling]

- Come on! - I'm tryin', I'm tryin'.

Think of something else.

Alright, yeah, I think I got it.

Good. Yeah, oh, good. Good.

39, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's workin', yeah.

It's gettin' bigger. 39, 40, 41, 42.

What are you thinkin' of?

A piece of liver.

45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50.

Okay. That's it.

- No! More! - No.

One more. I beg of you. Two more, please!

No!

Son of a bitch!

You got jizzum all over the couch!

I got it in my eye! I'll got blind!

You got it all over everything.

Look at the doilies.

H-Help help me.

Son of a bitch, you can't even come off

unless you pull your own pudding. Cheap bastard!

- Fairy Jew! - I'm not a fairy.

Jesus! My eye!

Water! Water, you...shit.

I'm on fire.

I'm blind for life.

- What is that? - 'It's just me, mother.'

Alex?

'This nice big dog brought me home, with my cane.'

A dog in my house? Get him out before he filths everything.

'But, mama, he's here to stay. He has to stay.'

- 'He's a guide dog. I'm blind'' - Jack, there's a dog here.

I've just finished washing the kitchen floor.

Blind?

Oh, my God, Jack, Alex has gone blind.

Him, blind? How could he be blind?

He doesn't know what it means to turn off the light.

How Alex? Tell us how such a thing could happen?

That I have to live with a dog because you're blind.

'Mama, how? How else? I let a shiksa touch my dick.'

Oh!

(Alex) You think it's any different today, doctor?

Do you think one thing has changed in the past 17 years?

Let me tell you something, these people are incredible.

These people are unbelievable.

True, I don't see them as much anymore.

In recent years, using all my guile and cunning and strength

I have managed to hold the visits for dinner

down to just once a month.

[doorbell ringing]

Alex, darling.

Hello, mother.

You didn't have to.

Don't ask what a day I had with him yesterday.

Alex, when he has a day like that you don't know

what a difference a call from you would make.

And darling, next week is his birthday.

That Mother's Day and my birthday passed without a card

those things don't bother me. But he'll be 66, Alex.

That's not a baby, Alex. That's a landmark in a life.

So, you'll send a card. It wouldn't kill you.

- How're you doing, Pop? - You're late for a change.

Since when is a New Yorker ever on time?

'A New Yorker? That's something so special?'

Why you don't move back to North Jersey is a mystery to me.

Why you prefer the noise, and the crime

and the filth of that city?

I can imagine what you pay those Goyisha robbers

for that two-by-four apartment.

You saw how he looks?

Whole more often, Alex. Visit us.

Hannah and Hammodi and the children come every Sunday.

Keep us informed what you're doing with your life.

Don't go away again without telling us.

Please, not again.

The last time you went away, you didn't tell us.

Your father was ready to phone the police.

You know how many times he called and got no answer?

Take a guess.

If I'm dead, they'll smell the body in 72 hours.

I assure you.

Don't talk like that! God forbid!

Alex, to pick up the phone, is such a simple thing.

Alex, how much longer will we be around to bother you anyway?

Am I being unreasonable, doctor?

I mean, this is my life. My only life.

And I'm living it in the middle of a Jewish joke.

I am the son in the Jewish joke.

Only it ain't no joke.

I've begin to pall a little at 33.

And also it hurts, you know. There is pain involved.

What was it with these Jewish parents?

Always hawking us to be good sons.

Good boys. Always hawking us to be nice.

To be bad, doctor.

To be bad and enjoy it. That's the real struggle.

That's what makes men of us boys.

Oh, mama!

Where did you get the idea that the most wonderful thing

I could be in life was obedient?

'A little gentlemen. Huh!'

'For all the aspirations'

'for a creature of lusts and desires.'

Fruit cake, mother!

Little fruit cake is what you were trying to make me.

The mystery is how come I didn't turn out like

all the nice young men I see strolling hand-in-hand

in Bloomingdales, on Saturday mornings.

How come I didn't wind up sharing a house in Fire Island

with someone in eye makeup named Sheldon?

The real mystery, if you wanna know the truth, doctor

is how I ever made it into the world of pussy at all.

That's the miracle.

(Alex) Not that I hadn't danced around with my share of girls

this city is so alive with.

Those self-assured intelligent young things

fresh from their wholesome Ivy League colleges.

None of them are what I've been searching for and praying for

of my life that-that one lewd and wanton gorgeous creature

of all my aching dreams.

No, you pray, and you pray, and you pray.

Then, one night, around midnight..

...on the corner of Sixth Avenue and 52nd Street

just when you have come really to the point of losing faith

in the very existence of such a creature

suddenly...there she is.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Damn it!

Taxi!

Hi.

- What do you want? - Buy you a drink.

Real swinger.

To eat your pussy baby, how's that?

That's more like it.

[moaning]

[moaning continues]

[moaning continues]

[moaning continues]

[moaning continues]

Jesus!

Am I glad I couldn't find a cab tonight.

'Oh, God, yeah. You and me both, baby.'

- Now me, you. - Really?

Yeah.

One good turn deserves another.

(Alex) Get out while there's still time.

Who and what can this crazy broad be?

Okay.

[classical music]

(female) 'I didn't put you to sleep, did I?'

(Alex) 'You're wild, you know that?

(female) 'Mm-hmm.'

(Alex) 'You must've gone to a special college or something''

(female) 'You're not so bad yourself.'

[music continues]

What made you decide to pick me up tonight?

It was the maid's night out.

You're married?

Never heard of the word.

Wanna tell me your right name or phony?

Alexander Portnoy.

If you don't believe me, call my mother.

Nobody could make up a name like that.

I'm Mary Jane Reid. They call me The Monkey.

A monkey?

New position I invented made a guy I knew, think of a monkey.

Mm-hmm.

Am I gonna get a crack at that zoo sometime?

I'll give it some thought.

- Where are you going? - No place special.

I think I may turn myself in.

'Hey, you know what?'

'About a month ago, I had this virus'

'and this married couple I know, pretty close friends'

'came by to make dinner for me''

Well, they could hardly wait to finish the meal.

In the middle of the jello, they wanted me to watch them screw.

In the middle of the jello?

I was sitting right here with a temperature of 101

and they took off their clothes

and went at it, right there on the rug.

You know what they wanted me to do while they were making it?

Wait a minute. Don't tell me. Let me guess.

There was this banana in a fruit bowl

and they wanted me to, you know, eat it..

...while I was watching them.

For the arcane symbolism, no doubt.

- The what? - Nothing.

'Tell me, uh..'

Do you, uh...do this kind of thing more or less, uh..

...just for fun?

What kind of a question is that?

I'm a fashion model.

What kind of a shit-eating remark is that supposed to be?

Are you another one of those heartless bastards?

Don't you think I have feelings?

I'm so-sorry.

Please...forgive me.

[sobbing]

Come on now, baby.

Come on.

I didn't mean anything.

Please.

Look..

...I lied to you just now.

Incase you're interested, I lied to you.

What the hell did I lie for? What do I care what you think?

I-I-I don't know what you are..

I mean, they didn't wanna screw on the floor in front of me.

They wanted to go home.

It was my idea.

So was the banana.

(Alex) Doctor, did I need any more evidence that this girl

was to say the least a little bit...different?

Most men in their right minds would've gotten out of her life

right then and there and counted their blessings.

But you gotta understand, she was the star

of every pornographic film I had ever made in my head

since I first laid a hand on my joint.

Just as I was the figure who'd dwelled at the heart

of her dreams, so it turned out.

The kind of man who would be good to a wife and children

who would feast on her body and then come slithering up

to talk a lot and explain things.

Advise her what books to read and how to vote.

Make judgments on just about everything.

But why should it be that I earn as much in one hour

posing in a girdle as my illiterate old man used to make

in a week in the mines.

Because Monkey dear

the output of one West Virginia coal miner

has far less influence on the national economy

than your delicious body in Vogue or Harpers Bazaar.

You know something, Breaky?

- You're brilliant. - I'm not brilliant.

And stop calling me Breaky.

But you are my Breaky. My breakthrough.

That's what I told my shrink, Dr. Morris Q. Frankel, M.D.

God, when I think of all the time I spent thrashing

on that couch of his.

Say something to me, doctor, anything.

Tell me why I'm always involved with such cold-hearted shits

instead of with men.

And he'd sit there like dead.

- Maybe he is. - No, I know he's alive.

I mean who ever heard of a dead man with an answering service.

So, what did Harper say when you told him

I was your breakthrough? Christ, what a word!

Well, he didn't say yes, but then he didn't say no, either.

- But he did cough. - 'Ah-ha!'

Sometimes he coughs, sometimes he grunts.

Sometimes he belches.

- Sometimes he even farts. - 'How did you know that?'

Negative transference reaction of an orthodox Freudian.

Incidentally, what startled you when the true confessions came?

Did you hear me?

I don't know.

Yes, I do. It was a couple of years after my divorce.

I tried to kill myself a little.

That's nice.

I made a pass at my wrist with a razor

at the padre of El Morocco.

Something dumb, unimportant that my boyfriend said to me.

Which do you wanna tell me about first?

- The boyfriend or the husband? - Neither.

I didn't give you that choice.

Okay. My husband. Jacques.

Can you believe it?

French, 50, filthy rich

and as it later turned out, just plain filthy.

I was modeling in a show "The Pitti Palace in Florence"

'I don't know what he was doing there.'

'He manufactures ball bearings or something.'

'Probably looking for someone just like me.'

Aren't we all?

Anyway, he found me.

And inside of a week, he knocked me over completely.

Wedding bells and all, took me back to Paris.

Guess the only reason I stuck with him as long as I did

was I must have felt sorry for the poor bastard.

Our marriage, all 14 months of it. It's kinda like hilarious.

If you're pretty good at laughing while throwing up.

You wanna hear our groovy sex life?

'Me, in bed beside him while he's jerking off'

'into a copy of a magazine called Carter Belt.'

'Flown over, direct from 42nd Street.'

What'd you expect him to use, The Atlantic Monthly?

So, how come you're in such a good mood lately?

- Who's in a good mood? - 'You.'

'You haven't been Mr. Hot Under The Collar for five weeks.'

- 'I've been counting.' - Must be the weather.

'You want me to tell you what it is?'

No, but you're going to anyway.

'It's a girl. That's what it is. With long hair, long legs.'

You've been going to that fortune teller again.

Save the smart remarks for Channel 13

and tell us about her.

Who?

'The one Pearly Ellenstein saw you with.'

- 'She was shopping for girdle'' - She could use one herself.

The one you were kissing in daylight on 57th Street

and 6th Avenue when Tessy Burlinger was getting

on the bus and almost tripped on the steps.

That'll teach her to keep her eyes in place.

- So? - So, congratulations.

I hope you and the CIA are very happy together.

- That's no answer! - Okay, okay.

I wanted to save you the crying wailing, moaning and groaning.

I'm going with a girl. A shiksa!

What's so new about that?

In your life did you ever go with a Jewish girl?

When I was 12 years old I walked a girl named Irene to school.

- And it killed you, didn't it? - Jack, please, your stomach.

- So, you like this girl? - I like a lot of girls.

- And she likes the Jews? - One. Me.

You think maybe she'd like your mother and father?

How do I know? Why shouldn't she?

You think maybe she'd like to meet us?

I'll ask her sometime. Okay?

Yes, okay! This I wanna see.

They'll put it down in the history books.

Ask her the next time, you take her to some motel for the night.

It's not a motel. It's not for the night.

It's an inn, in Vermont.

And it's for the weekend, this coming weekend.

Plum, darling, light of the world.

Think about what you're doing. Don't give yourself away cheap.

You must be careful of your life.

- Listen to what we're saying. - Who can help listening?

Without the scowl, thank you. And the brilliant back talk!

We know we have lived, we've seen it.

It doesn't work my plum. They're another breed of human being.

Jack, tell him.

Don't throw away a brilliant future on a blondie, please.

She'll take you for your worth, leave you bleeding in a gutter.

A brilliant baby boy like you.

She'll eat you alive.

[classical music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Hey. Nice.

That's what all the girls say.

Better slip one of your rings on to the appropriate finger.

- You're a married woman here. - Thought you'd never ask me.

I reserved the room for us in the name of Mr. and Mrs. Mandel.

- Who he? - A hero out of my North past.

Being in public life, I have to be discreet.

Just as long as you make up for it in private.

Hi.

'Good afternoon.'

- I hate to interrupt. - Oh, yes, that was, uh..

Mr. and Mrs. Arnold Mandel.

Uh, yes, 22.

- Arnold. - 'Yes, dear.'

We simply must take back some maple syrup for Mother Mandel.

Yes. She loves to pour it on my knishes.

'What an intriguing idea!'

Let's go to bed now, Arnold and take a nice long nap.

Anything you'd like, dear.

- No phone calls, please. - 'No phone calls.'

And would you please have a bottle of maple syrup

sent to our room immediately?

[crickets chirping]

Oh, I just can't get enough of you.

I'm very unsatisfying.

Am I a nymphomaniac?

Or is it the wedding ring?

I thought maybe it was the illicitness of an inn.

Oh, it's something. I feel so..

I feel so crazy.

And so tender.

So wildly tender with you.

Strange.

- What? - Me too.

Oh, my baby.

I keep thinking I'm gonna cry.

[laughs]

My monkey.

- And I'm so happy. - Me too.

Have you ever felt like this before?

Never.

Never. It's scary.

What do we do?

Not talk it away.

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

(Mary) 'Sleeping?'

(Alex) 'Uh-uh.'

(Mary) 'Thinking?'

(Alex) 'Uh-uh.'

What?

Feeling.

Too much feeling.

- Poor frightened baby. - Some baby.

Hey, I-I know a poem and I'm going to recite it.

Oh! Not now. I don't understand poems.

You'll understand this one. It's about fucking.

- A swan fucks a beautiful girl. - Oh! Goody!

But it's a serious poem.

Recite the dirty poem, Portnoy.

"A sudden blow, the great wings beating still."

"Above the staggering girl, her thighs caressed."

"By the dark webs, her nape caught in his bill."

"He holds her helpless breast upon his breast.

Hmm, where did you learn something like that?

- Sshh, sshh, there's more. - Hmm.

"How can those terrified vague fingers push

the feathered glory from her loosening thighs?"

Hey, thighs.

"And how can body, laid in that white rush

but feel the strange heart beating where it lies?"

"A shudder in the loins engenders there."

Yeah, shuddering loins.

"The broken wall, the burning roof and tower

and Agamemnon dead."

"Being so caught up, so mastered by the brute blood of the air."

"Did she put on his knowledge with his power

before the indifferent beak could let her drop?"

Oh!

That's it.

Feel...feel what it did to me.

[laughing]

Sweetheart, you understood the poem.

Do you mean it?

I'm with my favorite part of you, no less.

Oh, my breakthrough baby.

You're turning me into a genius.

Oh, baby darling, take me. Take every educated part of me.

[chuckles]

[water dripping]

You know something?

My little Virginia is so sore, it can hardly breathe.

Poor little Virginia.

Hey, you know what, let's do tonight?

Let's eat a big dinner, a lot of wine and chocolate mousse

and then come up here and get into our 200-year-old bed

and not screw.

Just be close.

How're you doing, Arn?

I don't know.

This is fun, isn't it? Kind of like being 80.

Or eight.

Goodnight, again.

Goodnight.

Mrs. Mandel?

Hmm?

I've got something to show you.

What?

Look.

What?

This.

Oh, no, Arnold! No!

Yes, Arnold! Yes!

Please, I'm saving myself for my husband.

That don't mean nothing to a swan lady.

Please, please, do unhand me.

Oh, feel my feather.

A Jewish swan.

I said, my feather, not my nose.

Alex! Alex, your nose! The indifferent beak.

I just understood the poem again, didn't I?

Oh, Christ. You are a marvelous girl.

Oh...am I?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Now can I do it?

Oh, sweetheart, darling, do anything you want to me.

Only, please be kind to little Virginia.

[engine revving]

- You know something? - Hmm?

I don't think I hate you anymore.

I'll see what I can do about it.

Please, don't.

Alright.

Wouldn't it be nice not to have to go back to that goddamn city?

Mm-hmm.

Wouldn't it be nice to live in the country?

Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

Have a lot of simple chores and just go around all day

doing 'em, not even think of them as chores.

Mm-hmm.

[clicks tongue]

Wouldn't it be nice to just not think about yourself?

For whole weeks at a stretch.

Wear old clothes and be yourself

and not have to come on smartass and tough all the time.

Wouldn't it be kinda marvelous some day to..

...settle down in the country?

With somebody you really liked.

Wouldn't that be something?

- Alex. - Uh-huh?

What are you thinking?

Nothing, I don't know, nothing.

Oh, fuck the country.

[music on radio]

[humming]

[music continues]

(Alex) Doctor, was it out of guilt, I invited her three weeks later

to go with me to the Mayor's formal dinner party?

[car horn beeping]

[jazz music]

Hello?

Monkey?

[music continues]

Mary Jane.

[running water]

-'Is that you darling?' - Yes, it is.

'Come on in. The water's fine.'

Listen, do you realise how late we're going to be?

Why aren't you ready?

How about calling the Mayor and telling him to hold everything?

- Your apartment door was open. - Oh, again?

Did it ever occur to you anybody could come in here like I did?

Why would anyone wanna do that? All my money's in the bank.

That's not a satisfactory reply and please hurry.

Fix yourself a drink.

Better make it a big one.

[sighs]

'I'll be ready in like a jiffy''

Tch. Like crazy, like a cougar. Like, yeah man.

"Dear Willa, polish the floor by bathroom please

and don't forget the insies of windows. Mary Jane R."

Huh! P-L-E-Z-E?

Forget! For Christ's sake! F-U-R!

Jesus.

'Hi.'

Just little ol' me.

You know you're kinda beautiful in a tux.

Thanks.

Don't suppose I'd have time for a drink.

- Uh-uh. - No, better not.

Hard enough to know how to talk to a mayor cold sober.

Real honest to God, Mayor. Mary Jane Reid..

...if only the folks back home could see you now.

I thought you were in such a goddamn hurry.

Yeah.

- Okay, what's bugging you, Max? - 'Nothing.'

- You hate the way I look. - Don't be ridiculous.

Driver, Peck & Peck.

Shut up. Gracie Mansion, driver.

I'm getting radiation poisoning, from what your giving off.

I'm not giving off shit. I've said nothing.

You got those black heeb eyes. Man, they say it for you.

- Relax. - You relax.

I am.

Only for Christ's sake, don't say "cunt" to the Mayor's wife.

- What? - You heard me.

When we get there don't start talking

about your favorite positions, to whoever opens the door.

Don't make a grab for big John's schlong

until we've been there at least an hour. Okay?

I'll say and do, and wear anything I want.

This is a free country, you up-uptight Jewish prick!

[tires screech]

'...you nazi bitch.'

Monkey! Come on! Honey!

Mary Jane. Come on. Come on, come on.

- Jesus! - A week now..

Ever since Vermont, picking on me all the time.

- Stop it! Don't do this! - It's the way you look at me.

- You pick on me! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- You're not listening to me! - I'm listening to you!

Keep your voice down, I'll listen to you.

I opened the door at night, I'm so dying to see you--

- We'll be late. - You have those fucking eyes.

- Picking all the wrongs in me. - Let's go!

- Listen to me! - I'm listening!

I'm not insecure enough to get that expression on your face

- the minute I open my mouth. - You're right. It's my fault.

I mean, I can't give you the time of day, without that look.

"Oh, shit. Here comes another dumb and stupid remark

out of that brainless twat." Well, I'm not brainless.

- Right. - And I'm not a twat, either.

Right.

Just 'cause I didn't go to big deal Havard.

And don't gimme any more of your shit about behaving

in front of your- your goddamn Mayor and his wife.

Just who the hell is he? A lousy stinking Mayor.

Quiet!

You forget, I was married to one of the richest men in France.

- Come on! - I was still 18 years old.

Stop acting like a child will you?

I was a guest at Ali Khan's for dinner

when you were still back in New York, New Jersery..

...finger fucking your little Jewish girlfriend.

They weren't Jewish.

[ballroom music in distance]

This is your idea of a love affair?

You treat a woman like a leper?

Of course not, honey. I told you I was sorry.

Now, will you listen to me?

I love you, Alex. I worship and adore you.

So, don't put me down anymore, please.

'Cause I just can't take it anymore.

I don't mean to put you down. I swear, I don't.

Hey, what are you- what are you doing?

- 'I want to.' - No.

- 'Yes.' - Here?

- 'Yes.' - Monkey, no-no.

There are plainclothesman all over the place tonight.

'They'll haul us in creating a public nuisance.'

'Oh, you terrible, don't stop''

'Oh, Monkey, what a terrible thing to do'

'to the Mayor of New York.'

(Alex) 'I don't know, Spielvogel, you tell me.'

'Maybe this wasn't a love affair.'

Maybe it was just what's called an honest mistake.

Who the hell knows? Maybe you do.

All I know is, when it came time for my summer vacation

I couldn't wait to invite her to go along with me to Europe.

[speaking foreign language]

[Italian music]

- Not bad, huh? - I've seen better.

Like that blonde buying the tiara in Bulgari?

Hey.

Or Countess...whatever the hell her name was.

The one with the gorgeous bust at Gore Vidal's party?

- You don't miss a thing do you? - I try not to.

Can I ask you a very personal question?

If you hold my hand or my leg.

- Are you loaded? - I think so.

- Me too. - Want another?

I don't need one.

By the way, that wasn't the question.

You like girls?

- Is that the question? - Aha.

- Do you dig men? - Never.

- Notice I answered, you didn't. - Jesus, you're almost exciting.

And as for you, I've never seen one city make one man so horny.

You're not gonna answer, right?

You want me to say yes, so you'd pick one up and say it's for me.

- For you. - For us, then.

- You've been hinting at it. - You have.

Even before we got to Europe, that stewardess of Pan Am?

I only said she had great legs

you were the one who started speculating or fantacizing

what she'd be like in bed with us.

What are you trying to do, Alex?

Did you ever make up your mind about it?

Spectacular. I think I'll have that drink now.

You sure that's all you want?

All I want is to please you, darling.

I want you to be so damn happy with me that you burst from it.

I'll do anything to make you happy. Anything you want.

- Like another woman in our bed? - If that's what you wanted?

Like tonight, like right now, is that what you want, Monkey?

- Right now? - Only for you. Anything.

- You know what you're saying? - Yes, yes, I love you, Breaky.

Pay the check. Let's get the hell outta here.

[cars honking]

There's one over there.

Forget it.

Her or the whole idea?

[engine revving]

[women speaking foreign language]

Should I stop?

- Do what you feel like. - I feel like you.

- Hi, there! - You have a girl.

What do you want with us?

[speaking foreign language]

Wait a minute, you don't understand we want one--

[honking]

[man shouting foreign language]

Alright! Alright!

Hey. Hey, now listen. Will you listen to me?

Go take your wife to a movie.

[women chattering in foreign language]

[speaking Italian]

I see some of that hi-fashioned Italian of yours do something.

- What do you want me to say? - I'm just along for the ride.

[speaking foreign language]

Jesus!

[foreign language continues]

Okay.

You gotta be kidding.

If I'm kidding, what's that bulge in your trousers?

A chocolate eclair?

[tires screeching]

[laughing]

- 'Oh, oh, this is interesting'' - 'Isn't it?'

- 'Oh, absolutely, fascinating'' - 'Oh, I thought you'd like it''

'Oh, if only my mother could see me now.'

(Mary Jane) 'I'm having trouble seeing you myself.'

- 'Oh, here I am. Under here.' - 'Oh, I thought this was you''

(Alex) 'Oh, hello there.'

'And who's little girl are you''

'You think this act could ever make it on educational TV?'

- Do you mind if I sorta this? - Oh.

- 'This's you?' - 'Can't you tell?'

Oh, it's a foot!

Well, what's the difference.

You go there, I'll go here, okay?

- Oh, oh, careful. - Oh, oh.

(Alex) 'Oh, this is interesting.'

[speaking foreign language]

'I want a head down here. Will you, sweetie?'

Oh, you'll have to wait. She's engaged.

She's engaged to use his puumala!

Or was it pums?

'I wish you like boy.'

Oh, boy, I've never been so busy.

- 'There's so much to do.' - Don't stop.

[knocking on door]

- Who is it? - 'It's the night maid.'

Go away. I got all I can handle.

[jazz music]

[Alex groaning]

[groaning intensifies]

[coughing]

'Okay, mother. You're happy now, mother?'

'I was having too much good, clean, dirty fun. Huh, Sophie''

[panting]

[speaking foreign language]

Want a drink?

No good bastard.

Me?

Making me do a thing like that.

- Me? - Yes, you.

You're the one who stuck your hand between her legs

and got the ball rolling. You kissed her on the goddamn lips.

Because if I'm gonna do something, then like I do it.

But that doesn't mean I want to.

Come on now. Come on.

- I did it for you. - Oh.

Yes!

And now you hate me for it.

Christ! There are times when you make absolutely no sense

at all and this is one of them.

You don't like it, why don't you leave me?

You got what you wanted tonight, what you've always wanted.

Now, you can leave.

Maybe I will.

To you, I'm just another her anyway.

You with all your big words and your big shit holy ideals.

And all I am in your eyes is just a lesbian and a whore!

- I called you that? - You don't have to say it.

Is that why I brought you along to Europe with me?

I don't know. Why did you bring me along to Europe with you?

Because I thought we could love each other.

Oh, bullshit!

And maybe get closer and closer together like we were.

In Vermont, if it was just the two of us surrounded

by foreign languages and strangers and I don't know!

I don't know! Maybe it's because I'm a fucked up neurotic Jew!

That's why I brought you along with me!

- Alex. - What is it?

Marry me.

Please.

Tomorrow.

Well, but Monkey honey. Tomorrow is Sunday.

We go to Athens.

[dramatic music]

I want a child too.

And a home.

And a husband.

I'll be 30 years old in January.

I remember, the night lesbian you took me up to the Bronx

equal opportunity night or something.

In Spanish, you spoke to all those poor Puerto Ricans

and oh, I was so impressed.

Tell me about your bad sanitation.

Tell me about your rats and your vermin.

Tell me about your police brutality

and that pathetic old man shouting

"Yes, but who'll stand up for us?"

And you said, "I will. I stand for each and every one of you."

'God, what a fake.'

'What a hypocrite and a phoney''

Big man to a lot of pitiful spics.

But I know the truth about you.

I know the truth about you, Alex.

You make women sleep with whores.

I don't make anybody do anything they don't wanna do.

"Commissioner of human opportunity."

How you love that word, human? I'll teach you what it means.

Pull this car over, I'm getting out.

Sorry, no.

I'm gonna find a phone booth, I'm gonna expose you--

Stop it! Enough! Oh God, how I hate all this.

And I thought you were the decent one.

- I'm gonna miss my plane! - You're not gonna leave me

stranded here in goddamn Athens, Greece.

There's money and a plane ticket to New York.

- What's so stranded about that? - But I wanna go with you.

You've already gone with me much too far.

To please you!

[telephone ringing]

Yes.

It's a lady and she's talking in a loud voice

which is only a little less irritating

than those bouzouki players of yours in that dining room.

So if your guests don't like it

tell them to move to another hotel.

I'm warning you, Alex. I mean it.

You go out that door and I'll jump.

Baby, please, don't talk like that.

Somebody's going to hear you and believe you.

I mean every word of it, if you don't marry me.

Marry me, you son of a bitch or I'll jump.

Go ahead. You wanna jump? Jump.

Alex!

[plane engine revving]

Alex!

Alex!

[revving intensifies]

Alex!

(flight crew) 'Ladies and gentleman, we land in ten minutes.'

'Please fasten your seat belt and no smoking.'

Your seat belt, sir.

(Alex) What am I doing running away like this

like a criminal and to Israel.

I refuse to let that bitch make me feel guilty.

If she's killed herself... Nah. Never.

Uh...your seat belt, sir.

[intense music]

Alex!

[music continues]

My parents came here from Philadelphia

when this was still Palestine and decided to stay.

I was born on their cabots, I grew up there.

After my service in the army, I joined the commune of Israelis.

We live in the mountains overlooking the Syrian border.

Working to clear away the black volcanic rock

and make the barren ground fertile.

Tell me are you in a hurry to get to Haifa?

Not really, I'm on a one week vacation from the commune.

I plan to come path at night in my sleeping bag

where ever I happen to be.

I see.

Suggestion. This afternoon you show me the catacombs

and the Wall city of Echo.

And tonight, I'll show you a fine dinner.

Yes. That could be quite rewarding for me

but only if you relate personal details of your life in America.

I'm most interested in finding out how the Jewish male

exists in the United States, today.

I'll be happy to give you all the gory details.

- Then you'll have to reward me. - I do?

Just say you'll have a drink at my hotel in Haifa after dinner.

If it will help me to understand you better, Mr. Portnoy.

Oh, I think it will, Naomi.

I can practically guarantee it.

[theme music]

(Naomi) 'Possessions, money, property''

On such corrupt standards as these

you American people measure happiness and success.

One great segment of your population are deprived

of the minimal requirements for a decent life.

Is this not true? You cannot deny it.

Whatever you say.

Your society, not only sanctions

gross and unfair competition among men,it actually stimulates

and encourages at rivalry, envy, jealousy.

All that is malignant in the human character

is nourished by the American system.

This is indisputable, you cannot help but agree

- if you are at all honest. - Oh, I am, Naomi! I am!

I think I've spoken many truth to you today, Mr. Portnoy.

'The American system is inherently unjust.'

'And your job is to make it appear legitimate and moral'

by putting a pretentious title on your office door and acting

as though human opportunity and human dignity

could actually exist in that society

when obviously no such thing is possible.

- Naomi, I love you. - What?

- I love you! - What are you talking about?

How can you love me? You hardly know me.

Take me back up that mountain with you.

I want your simplicity. Oh, I want your Hell!

Is this another one of those twisted attempts

at self-mocking I've been hearing from you all day.

No, no, I want you to give me a new life, starting right now.

You've had too much to drink tonight.

- No, no, I really mean it. - It's late, I must go.

No. Why sleep on a clammy beach somewhere

when I have this big comfortable bed for the two of us to share?

Me, in that bed?

I'm not trying to convert you.

If the bed is too luxurious, we'll do it on the floor.

- Sexual intercourse with you? - Yes, yes, with me.

Fresh from my inherently injust system. With me?

You are the most unhappy man I've ever known.

Childish and without respect for yourself or anyone.

'Tell me more.'

And you're obviously a person of intelligence.

Which makes your infantile attitude even more distasteful.

Beautifully stated. Now, let's fuck.

- You are disgusting. - And I can prove it.

You are nothing but a self-hating Jew.

They're the best kind in bed.

- Pig. Let me out! - Right.

I'll show you what a schlong is. I'll show you a pig.

- Let me go! - Disgusting, yes.

And also pretty goddamn tired.

I've never been good enough for the chosen people.

- Get your hands-- - Oh, what I'm gonna do to you?

You, sanctimonious bitch.

- You are crazy. - No, oh no, very smart.

You've gotta lesson to learn. And I'm gonna give it to you.

Lunatic! Insane!

This is what it's like, in the outside world.

- My self-righteous love. - Argh!

Coward!

Spread your chalk, you overbearing peasant.

Because I'm going to fuck you. I'm going to tear you apart.

I'm, I'm going to, umm..

[gasping]

Are you satisfied, Pop?

I finally went with a Jewish girl

and now I can't get it up in the state of Israel.

It's not this country, or any country, Mr. Portnoy.

It's you, as a man. You're a failure in everything.

'Go home and weep for yourself''

Yeah. Well, I still got a mouth I could use on you.

You degenerate!

(Alex) In Israel, I die.

Die.

Die.

(male) 'Alexander Portnoy for degrading the humanity of Mary Jane Reid''

Oh God, the Monkey's revenge.

(male) 'And for other crimes too numerous to mention'

'involving the exploitation of her body.'

'You are hereby sentenced except for the palm'

'of your own hand, to a terrible case of impotence.'

'Go find another way to hurt a person.'

But Your Honor, she was of age.

After all, a consenting adult.

'Don't bullshit me with legalisms, Portnoy.'

'You knew right from wrong.'

'Hence, you are justly sentenced to a limp dick.'

So what was the big crime in loving a saucy girl?

'Loving? You? Self-loving, Portnoy.'

'That's how I spell it. With a capital Self.'

'Your heart is an empty refrigerator.'

Not true.

Not true!

With her, it was more. It was different.

'What you did with that girl, disgusting!'

'Love, spelled lust, spelled self.'

No.

Sexual feelings, yes.

But together was such wonderful tender feelings, too.

For the first and only time in my life, especially in Vermont.

- 'In the prick, sure.' - No!

'Yes! That's the only part you've ever had any feeling i''

'in your whole life, you narcissist.'

No.

No.

Please, Your Honour, listen to me.

What, after all was I doing but trying to have..

Well, if you don't believe love, what then, a little fun.

- That's all. - 'Oh, you son of a bitch!'

Well, why dammit can't I have some fun?

Why is everything I do for pleasure in this life illicit?

While the rest of the world rolls laughing in the bud.

It makes me wanna scream.

[sobbing]

This ridiculous, disproportion of the guilt.

May I scream?

(male) 'Portnoy, this is the police. You're surrounded.'

(mother) 'Alex, my baby. This is your mother. Give yourself up.'

(male) 'Come out and pay your debt to society, Portnoy.'

'Or else, we're coming after you guns blazing.'

Run society's ass. Cover!

[rapid gunfire]

Aaah!

[machine whirring]

[sobbing]

[classical music]

See you tomorrow.

[music continues]

[music continues]