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THOMAS You know, they

say with every life experience there's a lesson to be learned.

And man, did I learn mine.

See, that was me.

Fantasizing about every woman I saw.

See, I was what you might call a horn dog.

A playboy, a gigolo.

I'm what you ladies might call, well, a scumbag.

See, I wasn't a bad guy.

It's just that every girl I saw, I just,

I just had to get into bed with.

Oh yeah.

Oh!

Oh!

Excuse me!

Well, almost every girl I saw.

Aah!

THOMAS Anyway, I always want

to get married, be a dad, have kids.

But how could I do both?

I mean, how could I keep on being with women

and start a family?

Then I had this brilliant idea.

I need to find the girl that would

be willing to bring other woman into bed with me.

Well, what happened to Kelly?

I broke up with her.

Well, she broke up with me.

Actually, she hit me over the head with a nine iron,

then broke up with me.

Ugh!

She hit you over the head with a nine iron?

Actually, it was a four iron, but who's counting?

Ugh!

Why?

Because I was cheating on her.

Oh.

See, I have this wandering penis problem.

It's like a vagining rod.

All right.

And she was upset with you, right Tom?

Nah, I don't think so.

Mm hmm.

See, every time I see a new girl, I gotta get her.

Acceptance.

Acceptance?

You can't say no, Thomas.

You cheat because you want the constant love and approval

from others, because you never got

those things from your family.

Your siblings ridiculed you.

Your dad beat you, humiliated you, never accepted you.

Well, not exactly.

Doc, how can my penis have anything to do with the family?

Then when you get these women to love you,

you want to get rid of them.

Why would I do that?

You question their credibility if they

could love a loser like yourself.

I do?

Yeah.

Your family considered you a loser, Thomas.

And that's why you seek the constant love and affection

from others, to prove them wrong.

Doc, couldn't it just be that I'm horny?

Doubtful, Thomas.

Look, you push people away who love you

because you feel unworthy of love, happiness, self respect.

And we're seeing these same things

happen in your relationships.

You try and create obstacles that'll keep you

from having a happy relationship.

For instance, remember Jasmine?

Yeah.

Well, you dumped her.

She had hygiene problems.

Her vagina was shaved like the Hitler mustache.

Every time I went down on her, I thought of the Third Reich.

- Well, what about Charlene?

She had nine fingers!

Well, Deborah?

Please.

Look, at least when I take a dump

and there's people nearby--

I have the courtesy to flush to drown out the noise.

No Thomas, don't you see you create these problems?

What do you mean?

Well, this one farts.

This one has nine fingers.

And this one has a funny looking hoo-ha.

It's not that.

I just need to find a woman that'll

allow other women into bed with us.

That Derek, is my idea of the perfect woman.

Well, could be hard to find a woman that accommodating.

Perhaps we should call her the hard to find woman.

Sorry, Thomas.

It's uh, time's up.

Ugh.

I'm telling you, man.

I'm gonna find her.

Good.

I mean, there's gotta be a girl like that out there somewhere,

right? - Right, right, right.

right? - Right, right, right. - Right, right, right. We'll see you next week.

Right, right, right. We'll see you next week.

All right, man.

See you, Derek.

Right.

What do you think of monogamy?

Well, my father used to have a coffee

table that was made out of that.

No, no, no, no.

Monogamy, not mahogany.

Oh!

Oh, it's absolutely horrible.

It's so disgusting.

You mean, you've never been in a serious relationship?

Well, yeah of course!

I love my boyfriend.

Wait, wait wait.

If you love your boyfriend, then why don't you like monogamy?

Look, pay me for the dance.

So why are you here?

See, I figured if I found a woman who's already

into being with women, well then I'm halfway there.

Listen, asshole.

The sight of a penis makes me gag.

What?

Yes, that's right.

Single white male.

33.

Seeks bisexual woman.

Just think, I could be having sex with you

while the girl's having sex with you too.

You're kidding, right?

Eh.

Who seeks relationships with man.

I think we're a part of the earth, you know?

We're born in the earth and we die in the earth.

I love everybody.

No, I love everything.

They're are all so beautiful to me.

Everything excites me.

I-- do you look at people?

Look at everyone.

All people excite me!

Oh!

But allows man to have sex with other women with woman.

Hey, do you want to see my impression of a monkey?

Sure.

Likes tennis.

I have a hard time getting it up after doing that crap.

Really?

I dated a guy like that once.

It was so funny.

He was a real wacko.

He used to punch himself in the head

because he got so mad at himself.

I got some wacky boyfriends.

My last boyfriend drank all the milk from my tits

in the middle of the night.

My newborn was starving the next morning.

I was forgiving, though.

My father told me I'm a very forgiving person.

In fact, right before he died,

he told me I was his favorite child,

which really pissed my sister off.

She found out because I was telling my mother--

Whoa.

And she was listening in the other room.

The walls in our house were paper thin.

Speaking of paper, did you read "The Post" this morning?

I did.

You .

Had an article about a guy who made love to his dog!

Speaking of which, my dog passed away when I was seven.

Oh, really?

I took it so hard.

I think it affected me later in life.

Now I can't deal with loss, which

is why I won't go to Atlantic City.

See, a part of me likes to gamble,

but another part of me doesn't.

Which part of you shuts the fuck up?

Wouldn't it be great if we

were with another girl right now?

You would love it, wouldn't you, dirty girl?

Come on, let me in!

I was kidding!

I was just kidding!

Oh, great!

OK, great!

Gerald is bigger.

No wonder you need a walker.

Let me in!

Ernie, I think I found my mission in life.

So what's your big mission, to rob a bank?

No.

I think I figured out how to make this relationship thing

work.

Relationship thing?

Dude, how many times I have to tell you?

Bang prostitutes!

For a few hundred bucks a night you'll

save thousands on alimony!

Yeah, and blow it on STD medications?

Nah.

Dude, what I need to do is find a girlfriend

that would allow other women into bed with me.

You got a better chance of robbing a bank.

I gotta get something to eat.

Again?

Yeah.

I'm fat.

Want some peanuts, stutter monkey?

Here you go!

My mom says you guys are j-just jealous.

The jealousy line never works.

No.

Yeah, stutter face.

We're all jealous.

We all want to be stuttering idiots.

Hey kid, come here.

Who are you?

Who am I?

You gonna tell him, Joey?

Or should I?

I'm a warlock.

A male witch.

And if you ever pick on Joey again,

next time you're trying to go to sleep,

I'll be in your room watching you.

In the corner, in the closet, under the bed.

And that night when you finally do get to sleep,

you'll have the worst nightmare of your life.

You may not even wake up.

Come on.

We don't believe in warlocks.

Oh, you don't believe in warlocks.

You?

No.

No?

Well, watch this.

You see that guy over there?

Oh!

Ugh!

Oh!

Now get out of here before I turn you into a bunch of frogs!

Ah, what's up, Joey?

Hey thanks.

But now my only friends are gone.

Friends?

Joey, those kids ain't your friends, man.

Let me tell you something.

You'll be lucky in your whole life

to have three great friends.

And that's in your whole life.

I only got one.

Moms don't count, Ern.

No, I'm serious, Joey.

I mean, you need to find kids that share your interests,

you know?

Kids that you have something in common with.

That's where you'll find a real friend.

Thanks, Dr. fucking Phil.

Oh!

Oh, come on guys!

Geez!

I'm trying to sleep here!

Even I can't last that long!

Hang on, I'll be right there!

Don't hang up!

Hello?

Thomas.

Hey Johnny, what's up?

Hey dude, I got some shit going on.

Yeah?

JOHNNY Fill in for me today?

Shit.

Again?

Come on, Johnny.

It's Saturday.

I know.

I know.

Why can't you do it?

JOHNNY I got a commercial.

You got a commercial?

JOHNNY Yeah, national.

National?

JOHNNY Guinness.

Guinness?

Oh, you lucky bastard!

So then why you crying?

My girl just left me, bro.

You're crying because your girl left you?

Are you kidding me?

No, dude.

I'd trade a chick for a national commercial any day

of the week.

Come on, there's a million other chicks out there!

I don't think I could live without her.

Aw, give me a break!

Jesus Christ, Kent!

What are you doing?

Sorry!

I need movie times!

Haven't you ever heard of Moviefone?

Oh god!

Oh!

JOHNNY What was that?

Nothing.

Kent's on a sexual rampage again.

I should go gay.

I'd get more ass that way.

Come on, bro.

All right, I'll do it.

But you owe me!

Hey kids!

How are you doing?

Come on over!

Yay!

How's everybody doing?

Good!

What's the difference between snot and spinach?

What?

Kids won't eat spinach!

Hey, you guys want to see a trick?

Yeah!

Well, I'm gonna need an assistant.

Who should I get over here?

How about the birthday girl, Shelby?

Shelby, I'm gonna pick you to volunteer.

Well, how can she be a volunteer

if you're picking her?

Who are you, Judge Judy?

What am I supposed to do?

Well, why don't you come over here and hold this hat?

Hey, get over here, you varmints!

Shelby, give him his nose back!

.

I'm gonna get you!

Get over here!

You know what?

You keep that one.

I'll take his.

Besides, his is funnier looking!

Get over here!

Gimme that nose!

Gimme that nose!

You got some great kids, man.

Thanks.

Yeah, I always wanted to be a dad someday.

Is it hard?

Nah man.

Being a good dad is easy.

It's being that good husband thing

that gets a little tricky.

I know, right?

It's hard being faithful, isn't it?

Well--

Nah.

You know what?

If you're really in love, you find the right girl.

And after that, you don't even pay attention to other women.

Oh my god!

You have such a big cock!

Oh Seamus!

Seamus, pick up the phone!

Hold on.

Hello?

Yeah, Edgar.

Are you kidding me, Edgar?

You're fucking leaving me for a cruise ship?

Look, I know that you've done me a ton

of favors-- mother fucker just put me on hold.

What an asshole.

Yeah, Edgar.

Look, I'm sorry.

But there's no way I can keep it available

for you til you get back.

Fine!

Think Titanic.

Bye.

God damn!

You know, my wife tells me you're a good actor.

Hey thanks, man.

You're great with the kids.

You know, I'm a producer for "Vito and Valerie's Wedding."

Really?

Get out of here!

I'm a big fan of that show!

Big fan!

Yeah, right.

Anyway, what would you think about, just for a little while

now, taking over the part of Danny, the best man?

I would love to!

Doesn't mean you're not gonna pay me for the party, does it?

No, man.

I, I'll still pay.

But you gotta know, "Vito and Valerie's" is

one weird place to be.

What could be weirder than this?

Vito, you can forget about it!

Because I'm not marrying you!

We're already married!

Oh.

Well now, we're officially unmarried!

Now what we'd like you to do is talk

to some of the actors who are gonna

be the main characters in the show.

Jillian plays Valerie.

Paul plays Vito.

Edgar, who you are replacing as Danny,

and his show girlfriend, Natalie, played by Danielle.

OK?

OK.

Great.

Look, it's all about reality.

Acting is about reality.

Yeah, I know.

I'm an actor.

I don't know what you heard before.

But acting is about reality.

Yeah, dude I know.

I'm an actor.

I took acting lessons for years.

You gotta be real.

You have to be real.

Do you understand?

The moments, they need to be real.

You'll be great.

That's what acting is.

It's based in--

Reality.

It's about reality, isn't it?

OK, Valerie is the star of the show.

Danny is not the star of the show.

OK?

Danny's the best man.

Now Valerie and Danny, they don't get along.

Danny does best when he stays out of Valerie's way.

OK.

Danny deals drugs, sells stolen car stereos.

But best of all, Danny gets to fuck around.

What do you mean?

You know, gets to flirt with the audience, talk

about his you know, sexual escapades.

In fact, Danny tells them one time

he banged this blonde bimbo on the pool table

at Mr. Angelino's club.

Wow.

Yeah.

Shoved a pool cue straight up her ass.

Think pig.

Sounds good!

Danny and Natalie have the best relationship.

The most important thing to remember

is that we are really in love.

We believe that we have one of the best and most

wonderful relationships in the show.

I'm a little confused.

Edgar told me that Danny gets to fool around all the time.

What?

Yeah.

In fact, he told me he banged a girl at the pool table

in Mr. Angelino's club.

Are you kidding me?

No.

That motherfucker's cheating on me?

Look, I don't know what he told you,

but Danny is a faithful guy in a happy relationship!

I won't even tell you what he did with the pool cue.

I don't get it, Ern.

There's like nobody attractive in the whole fricking play.

You would think, with at least 20 some odd cast members,

there'd be at least one that's my type.

You mean to tell me not one guy was your type?

Very funny.

What do you care anyway?

You got a legitimate acting job instead

of playing a clown for some dopey kids.

Yeah, I know.

I just had the feeling I'd meet at least one decent chick

in the whole play.

I gotta get in shape.

What do you think I should give up first?

Drinking or smoking?

How about eating?

So why do you come to the gym anyway?

For the chicks.

Everybody knows the hottest chicks hang out at the gym.

That's how they stay hot.

199.

Hey chicks!

200.

See me training for the Olympics?

Really?

So soon?

I thought the Special Olympics didn't

start until June.

And now we have the wedding.

These two loving hearts.

They love one another.

Uh, right-- nope.

And now we have-- damn!

Ow!

God!

Hi.

Hi.

I hear you went to NYU.

Uh, yeah.

Uh, er, so did I.

Oh yeah, great.

OK.

Well, nice meeting you.

Yeah, great.

Oh man!

What an asshole.

Who does he think he is, De Niro?

Everything looks fabulous.

But where are the balloons?

Jimmy, where are the balloons?

Look Rocco, i-it's a long story, OK?

Jimmy, where are the balloons?

Look, yesterday I went over to Rocco, uh,

and-- I'll go check the rectory.

You check your rectum.

God, where are the balloons?

Don't worry about it, Rocco.

You'll be fine.

It's just balloons, all right?

Look at Mrs. Jean.

She said she lost 30 pounds for the wedding.

It's like throwing a deck chair off "The Queen Mary."

She's like Barney. I love you,

I love you.

Oh my god!

It is so nice to finally meet you!

You look just like that um, um, actress

from the, "The Poseidon Adventure."

Uh, oh, oh my god!

What's her name?

Um, uh oh yeah!

Ernest Borgnine!

You don't say?

That's a really beautiful hat you're wearing.

Well, I never!

Hey, Andy!

, how you doing?

When'd you get out?

How's the family?

You got my money?

We celebrate the wedding of Vito and Valerie.

Ay, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi!

Como esta?

Brooklyn in the house!

Ay!

Dear brothers and sisters, we gather here today

to celebrate the love of Vito and Valerie.

And let's make it quickly,

because I got a funeral at nine.

Please, kiss the bride.

So, how'd you feel about doing the show?

I was a little nervous, man.

OK, I guess.

You had a better first day than Edgar.

I think he pissed himself.

Paul, I gotta ask a question.

There's no hot chicks in this show.

I mean, who casted?

Rocco?

Aw, there's a couple.

Not Jillian.

Danielle is a wacko.

What about Jennifer?

Jennifer.

Who's Jennifer?

The girl that plays Marilyn.

You mean the ditz?

Oh, come on!

She's not that pretty.

I don't know, man.

Jennifer is one of the hottest girls in the show.

Yeah, that's the chick that plays Marilyn, man.

She's way too trashy looking. .

OK, yeah.

The trashy ditz, not so pretty.

That's nice.

I'm outta here.

Yeah, all right.

Wait, it's you!

You're Marilyn?

Oh my god, you were great!

No, I'm Jennifer. The girl who plays Marilyn.

Also the girl who tried to talk to you earlier.

You kinda blew her off.

Now I know why.

Why?

'Cause you're a jerk.

Take care, Paul.

Later, Jennifer.

Yeah.

Hey, wait!

That was beautiful.

Hi.

Hey, how are you?

Fine, how are you?

I'm good.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Please, please.

That was you!

You know, the guitar, the string, the eye.

And then you were in character, you had the ditzy accent!

Yeah.

I was acting.

And you were great.

Big fan, big fan.

Don't kiss up.

Look, I'm sorry.

Whatever.

We are getting off to a bad start here.

Can we start again, please?

Can we start again please?

Yeah. Could we start again please?

Looks like you've made your point now!

OK, I'm leaving.

Oh, no, no, no!

I'm just kidding.

All right, I promise no more singing.

But where

are you going tonight, my little angel?

OK, you're a wacko.

I'm an idiot, actually.

A little bit.

He's the idiot.

This guy's an asshole.

I'm a good guy.

So where are you going?

Uh, oh god.

A few of us from the cast are gonna

try and get in a cigar party at Tattoo.

Tattoo, are you kidding me?

I know the bouncer there.

I can get us on the list.

No.

Don't try and be nice now.

I am nice!

Just gotta get to know me.

I grow on people.

Like a fungus.

Thanks for getting us in the club!

No problem.

So am I forgiven, or what?

Um, almost.

Well, how can I complete your act of forgiveness?

Wow, this dance is uh, you know, not hurting.

But uh, how about a drink?

What do you want?

Whiskey, baby.

You got it.

Can I get a whiskey, please?

Trying to get this girl to like me.

Want a tip?

Sure.

Stop dancing.

Very funny.

Excuse me, sir?

'Scuse me.

Sir?

Excuse me--

Man, get away from me!

Sir, if you don't mind, I'd like to cut in here.

I mind.

Now back off of me before I kick your ass.

Oh, I see.

Big mouth to compensate for tiny little penis.

Excuse me, asshole.

I mean sir.

But I am with her.

And if you don't take your stinking hands off her,

I'm gonna kick your ass all over the dance floor.

Oh, will you?

Yes.

I think.

Oh!

Uh, b-b-b-b-b-b-b.

Oh!

So am I forgiven?

Yes.

Thank you.

JENNIFER

So do you have a boyfriend?

Oh, not really.

Not really?

Eh, we're kind of on the outs right now.

Oh?

How come?

Uh, he treats me like a sex object.

He you know, never listens to anything I say.

He doesn't care about what I do or how I feel.

I don't think he's heard a word I said in the last two years.

And you?

What?

I'm kidding!

I'm so kidding!

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

No, I just ended my relationship

with my last girlfriend.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no.

I cheated on her.

Man, I meet all the winners.

That's horrible.

Yeah, I know.

But she was never right for me anyway.

Uh huh.

French fries and brown gravy.

Thank you.

So you were saying?

Well, never mind.

No, come on.

Say it.

I just don't think I can be happy

in a monogamous relationship.

I mean, I'll never cheat or anything.

I felt horrible after doing that.

I'll, I'll never do it again.

So what are you saying?

Are you sure you won't think I'm a schmuck for saying this?

I bet I will think you're a schmuck,

but you should go ahead and say it.

Well, in one second you might be needing this.

See, in a perfect world, I would like my girlfriend

to be with other women with me.

There, I said it.

I don't think that's that weird.

You don't?

No.

Lots of girls have been with other women.

Or, or at least, you know, thought about it.

That's totally something I would do

if I were in love with a guy.

You would?

Yeah.

I mean, would you let the woman be with other men ?

No way!

Absolutely not!

Oh god.

First of all, I'm way too insecure.

And the thought of touching another man's naked hairy ass

would make me puke!

And there's nothing I want more than a little muff

in the morning!

You want another steak to go?

Uh no, that's OK.

So have you ever been with a woman?

Oh!

Oh lordy!

Could I have the check please?

Thank you.

That would be great.

I have never been.

But I don't know.

I've fantasized about it.

And when I was in ninth grade, I used

to kiss my best girlfriend.

I mean, we were preparing for when guys would kiss us.

Oh my god!

With tongue?

No, with elbow.

Wow!

So I take that might be something

you'd be interested in?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I guess I think if two people love each other,

then they shouldn't stop themselves from being happy.

And if I knew the guy loved me, and I was number one with him,

then yeah, I guess I would be OK with that.

Oh my god, you are the perfect woman!

I know. How's your eye?

Eye?

Uh huh.

Oh, the eye!

Uh huh.

I feel like a moron with this on my face.

- You look a little like a moron. - You want some?

Here you go.

No!

So your parents ever come see the show?

My dad did.

My mom, ugh.

Forget about it.

I don't even know where she is, so.

What is she?

A flight attendant?

Nope, a drug addict.

Aw geez, I'm sorry.

Yeah, you know.

She was never really around when I was growing up.

My dad divorced her when we were five, raised us on his own.

Que sera, sera.

Whatever will be will be.

OK, you promised!

I'm sorry!

This is me.

Well, I had a great time.

Yeah, me too.

I'm sorry about your eye.

Aw, that's all right.

Well, this is where I decide if I should kiss you or not.

Would you like to kiss me?

Would I like to?

I would love to.

Question is would you like to kiss me?

I guess you're just gonna have to find out.

Oh god.

All right.

Mmm.

Mmm.

You think maybe this is where I should

ask for your phone number?

I'm ready.

All right.

Hold on a second, I'll hurry.

Oh! - No!

No!

No, not for that!

Oh!

Oh god.

Oh!

I meant to be with other women.

What?

Really?

Yeah.

Well, I mean I know it's gonna make you happy

and I think we should talk about it.

I don't want to do anything that you'd

be uncomfortable doing.

No, it's not that.

I'm good with doing it.

And you don't mind me uh, participating in it?

No, not at all.

All right, great.

Well, I have a plan of attack on--

OK but, there're gonna be some rules.

Rules?

Rule number one.

We can't be with somebody that we already know.

No problem.

Rule number two.

We can't be with anybody at our place.

'Cause I don't want these women to know where we live.

OK.

Rule number three.

I understand you're gonna want to tell your friends.

But only one friend and that's it.

Why?

Because I don't want my like, personal life

hitting the gossip pages in the show!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I might have to draw the line there.

What good is this shit if I can't brag about it?

OK then.

Forget about it.

No, no. All right.

Just kidding, just kidding.

But psychologists aren't considered friends, right?

What?

No.

Yeah, fine, fine.

Great.

Easy enough.

And lastly, rule number four.

Whoever we have sex with, we can never be with them again.

You can never-- and I mean ever-- see that woman again,

be it socially, business, whatever.

Why?

Because I don't want to have a relationship with these people.

That would be weird!

It would ruin the whole thing!

OK.

I guess I'll give you that.

I bet you could. All right, where do we find her?

Oh, I got a plan.

I have a friend at uh, Make-A-Wish.

Oh god!

THOMAS Jenn, come on!

Jenn, come on!

Jenn!

Come on.

Jenn, I love you!

Come on, that girl was next to you.

You're so much hotter than her!

Please.

God.

I don't think this is gonna work.

Can't we just do each other?

Jenn, I was just getting into it

like I thought you would too.

Come on, Jenn.

You're the only one for me.

I love you!

Come on, this is just about sex, right?

Right.

Yes.

I'm sorry.

It's just the first time, OK?

It's gonna take a little getting used to.

All the guys in there staring!

Can we just use a prostitute?

That way it would just be the three of us, at least.

You got it.

I think I'm in love.

It was wonderful!

I'm in love, I can't believe it!

Well Thomas, that's great.

I mean, she's having a hard time

getting into being with the other women thing.

I mean, she wants to and all.

I mean, we just gotta find the right situation.

Well, you do realize that you're asking a lot?

Well, yeah.

And you know she loves you?

Yeah.

See Thomas, that's where I think

we're having our little problem.

What?

Thomas, you don't really think she loves you.

Doc, I know she loves me.

Thomas, you never felt loved by your family, so

how can you expect to feel love now?

In fact, you are so scared of not

being loved, you push people away

before they have a chance to hurt you.

I mean Kelly loved you, but you didn't think so.

And now Jennifer loves you.

In fact, she's willing to have sex with other women for you.

Thomas, you have got to realize that your family

through the eyes of you as a kid is no more.

Yeah?

Stop hearing all those negative things

your family said to you and realize

that when you were a kid, you digested

the horrible negative thoughts and a part of you

has made them your own thoughts.

Basically Thomas, just realize that Jennifer is not

your siblings or your father.

Thomas.

Thomas!

Ah!

Time's up.

Wonder Burger!

Wonder Burger.

Hang on.

You get these prostitutes.

Where do you get them from?

All right!

I see Project Three-way's back up and running.

Dude, what caliber of slut do you want?

I don't know.

Someone hot.

Not any sleazy coke whore or anything.

I know what you want, man.

You want the Park Avenue variety, right?

Dude.

Whoa!

How much?

$700 a night.

$700 a night?

Are you kidding?

I love you too, honey.

I love you too, honey.

Well, you want the best, don't you?

You don't want to wind up with the sluts

that I bang when I'm outta cash, do you?

No.

No, that's all right.

Last one had more chest hair than me.

Think her name was Louie.

Thomas Burns?

You're next.

Oh!

All right, see you later.

I was here first.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi guys.

Thomas, this is Miranda.

And this is Benjamin.

Benhameen.

Sorry.

Hey, Benjamin.

Benhameen.

Oh sorry.

How are you?

I want you to just slate your name for the camera.

OK, and just begin.

All right.

Hey look, there are two ways I could go with this, you know?

Is it OK if try them both?

I am sure that both of your choices

are going to be just so great.

But really, we have a lot of people to run.

So just do your favorite.

Thomas, just go with your gut.

I loved your cell phone commercial.

Yeah, upstaged by a monkey?

OK, can we get started please?

Thank you.

OK.

Hi.

My name is Thomas Burns.

My agent is Joseph Weiner.

Honey, where were you?

You know, I was driving home and I

was thinking of how much I loved you.

So I decided to bring you home a little surprise.

Flowers?

Better than that.

Diamonds!

Better than that!

A new car!

Even better than that!

Honey, what could it be?

Wonder Burgers!

Oh my god, Wonder Burgers.

I love you.

I love you too.

Now let's eat!

And cut.

Thank you.

How was I?

You were great.

Thanks, Benhaymeen.

Ben ha meen.

Sorry.

Take care.

How'd it go?

OK, I guess.

Well, you never know.

See ya.

Oh Ern, Ern.

I got a tip for you.

You know the guy in there?

He loves to be called by his first name.

Which, which is?

Benjamin.

Thanks, man.

All right, take care.

Good luck.

Benjamin.

Wonder Burger.

So where'd you get this hooker's number, huh?

Eh, it's the place Ernie always uses.

Ernie?

I don't want to have sex with someone Ernie's been with.

Why?

He's a normal upstanding citizen kind of guy.

Oh yeah, right.

He's with prostitutes!

Look.

Here, I got these numbers out of the Yellow Pages.

Pick one.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Mmm.

All right, fine.

Yeah, hi.

Could I get one of your best bodied prostitutes?

Escorts, sorry.

Yeah.

Hold on.

Do you want blond, brunette, black, white, Asian, Latina?

I don't care.

Well, well, I've never had Asian.

But Latina sounds scrumptious.

It's like you're ordering take out!

All right, you know what?

Whoever you can get here the quickest.

All right, you have a part time aerobics instructor?

Perfect!

Make sure they bring a dental dam.

H-hold on.

A what?

A dental dam!

I don't want to get diseases.

Could you bring a dental dam?

You don't have dental dams.

What would that be for?

OK, I get it.

I get it.

Ooh!

Wait, can you hold on a second?

What?

Ask her to bring Saran wrap.

Saran wrap?

Yes.

Are you kidding?

No!

Do it!

All right, could you pick up Saran wrap?

Look, I know you're not a grocery store.

I'll throw in an extra $50 if you bring Saran wrap.

Great.

OK, my credit card number is three--

Oh my god, hold-- I'm so sorry.

Just hold on a second.

What?

And they're gonna know who we are!

Yeah?

So I don't want fuck me flyers coming

to my house for the rest of my natural life.

Fuck me flyers?

All right, uh, I'm just gonna pay cash.

Yes, the Edwards Hotel, room 1904.

Thank you.

Bye.

I can't believe I have a hook up

picking us up Saran wrap from a deli.

Honey, that weed has made me hungry.

Should I call her back and have her get some chicken cutlets

while she's there?

Mmm.

You're wasted.

All right.

OK.

I need $100 for a tip.

Keep the change, my friend.

I'm getting laid!

And you only give me seven?

Ha, very funny!

Hi, I'm Sally.

Anyone order Saran wrap?

H-hi.

I'm Jennifer.

And this is Thomas.

Hi, Sally.

- Hi. - So nice to meet you.

I'm sorry about the Saran wrap.

We've never done this before.

We're a little nervous.

Listen, your wife is completely gorgeous.

Relax.

This should be fun.

Would you like a drink?

Sure.

How's vodka and cranberry?

Sounds great.

So do I pay you the $500 up front or do I pay you later?

$500?

It's $800.

They told me $500.

Did they tell you that?

No.

$500 is for one person.

If there's two people, it's gonna be $800.

You gotta be kidding me.

All right.

Hold on, I'll be right back.

You still want this?

All right.

All right, she said $800.

I have $600.

Which means I need $200.

Oh, and then there's a tip!

Man, I'm so fricking wasted.

Well, for a few more dollars, I could be too.

So are you still seeing him?

No.

Haven't heard from him in weeks.

Do you think it was the job?

Nah.

It's how we met.

Never bothered him before.

Men.

OK, let's party!

Oh!

Whoa!

Hey, ho ho ho!

So now what?

Wow!

Well, now we get undressed.

We get undressed!

Oh!

It's OK.

What are you waiting for?

Come on, baby.

Give me kisses.

Mm.

Ahh.

Oh.

Oh, no tongue.

No tongue?

Really?

Yeah, safety reasons.

And going down on my girlfriend's OK?

Well, yes.

But the $800 doesn't include that.

What does it include?

Well kissing, touching, feeling, intercourse.

And no cunnilinguses?

Well, that would be extra.

What the fuck you think the Saran wrap was for?

I don't know!

Chicken cutlets?

Oh man!

You know what?

It's OK.

I don't need it.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

How much for everything?

$1,000 for everything.

$1,000!

All right, Jenn.

Just don't worry about it.

This whole experience can't be mired with restrictions.

That would suck.

I thought you'd be having sex with a traffic cop.

All right, I'll be right back.

Stay here.

Get more undressed!

This chick ain't a prostitute.

She's a fricking thief.

What's going on?

It's out of money?

You've gotta be kidding me!

This has gotta be some kind of mistake!

So was your outfit.

Oh, come on!

Come on!

All right.

I gotta go to another ATM.

All right.

Taxi!

Are you kidding me?

You dick!

Taxi!

Taxi!

Hope he gets here soon.

I have a bachelor party at 12:00.

Mm.

I wonder what's taking him so long?

What the world needs is love.

Lots more love.

It's like that Hendrix song.

The Hendrix.

Hendrix, Jimi Hendrix?

He said, let love rule.

That was Lenny Kravitz.

Right.

I'm just saying there's so much hatred.

We need love instead.

Who are you, John Lennon?

Nah, I don't even like the Stones.

He was in the Beatles!

Wake up!

Bush.

Bush is the one that brought in all the hatred.

You know what I'm saying?

He's the, he, he's the dumbest thing I ever saw in my life.

It's the first president we have that I think I'm smarter than.

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I

could take this guy in a Scrabble game.

You know?

Take him in Scrabble?

You can't take me two blocks without falling asleep!

Bush is so money hungry and oil thirsty,

he's the one that's causing all these problems.

He really is.

All right, we're here.

All right.

Dude, can you wait here?

I'll be right back.

All right, but the meter's gonna keep running.

Yeah, not as much as your mouth.

Cabbie!

Yeah, I can't.

I'm waiting for the guy by the ATM.

Aw, come on, dude.

You have to hook me up.

How much is the meter?

It's $5, but I can't.

I'll give you twice as much if you let us in.

Come on, above the fare.

Nah.

I-it's wrong.

I'm, I'm waiting for the guy.

I can't.

Clark!

Aw come on, man.

I'm never gonna get a cab this late at night.

Do me a favor.

Hear me out.

I'll give you $20 before you start the meter.

How does that sound? - All right.

Get in, get in.

Go!

Hey!

What, are you kidding me?

Oh cabbie, wake up!

Wake up, cabbie!

Wake up!

What's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to you?

Mm, one time a guy asked me to shit on his head.

Yeah.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh god, how can you eat that?

That spicy food would have me running to the bathroom.

You kidding?

I got one of those cast iron stomachs.

Oh, you're lucky.

No, I'm a man, baby.

My stomach is built for war.

Oh, you're gonna be sorry.

Oh my god.

Oh god!

Oh!

Help!

Stop!

Help, help!

Oh!

Stop!

Let go!

Help!

Oh god!

This is horrible.

Let go!

Ooh!

Oh!

Wonder what she ate?

Oh no.

Holy shit!

Oh no!

Hello?

Excuse me.

I'll be out in a minute!

Ugh!

Sorry!

Wait a second!

You're not even in a wheelchair!

Ate some bad stuff.

WOMAN Come on, already!

Ah!

Shit!

Get out of there already!

I'll be right out!

Oh!

Come on!

Just gimme a break!

Come on!

Hello?

Come on!

I've gotta take a shit!

Oh!

I mean, do you ever think why the national debt

keeps getting higher?

Don't you think if the president just

taxed everybody another $1, we'd just wipe the whole thing out?

Hmm.

Hello.

Hello.

Hey dude, let me ask you something.

If I say hello, why can't you respond with hello?

Is that that fucking hard?

Is it gonna ruin your whole fricking night?

Hello.

There.

Did that hurt your tonsils?

You must be having a bad night.

Yes, I am!

You're very observant, Sherlock.

Aren't you?

Who's this, your partner?

Mute Watson?

Do you speak?

Do you?

Or do you communicate telepathically?

Because if you do, could you hear what I'm thinking now?

He says you can go fuck yourself too.

Now how the fuck did he know I was thinking that?

What's going on?

Honey, she's gotta leave.

I'm sorry.

You took too long.

What the fuck is this?

You know what?

It's really OK.

I'm getting kinda tired anyway.

What?

Just relax.

Relax?

I was just all over Manhattan getting cash!

Look, I gotta go.

I'm sorry.

Do you have my $500?

$500?

Are you kidding?

Hey, it's not my fault you didn't have the money.

Just pay her.

Oh my god!

Bye.

Be safe.

So that's it, huh?

You know what, honey?

It's OK.

We will do this another time.

Jesus Christ, this sucks!

Honey, it's kinda funny if you think about it.

It's kinda funny?

I just wiped my ass with $100!

I thought it was $500.

God damn ATMs only give you twenties.

Come on, cheer up.

We'll get this right one of these days.

Now come on, let's get crazy.

Oh yeah?

How much it gonna cost me?

Come on!

Mm.

I don't know, Thomas.

I've been thinking maybe I should settle down, start

a family.

A family?

Geez Ern, what brought this on?

Huh.

Yeah well, I don't know.

I'm not getting any younger.

My mom keeps bugging me to spawn.

Ernie, do you ever do anything that your mommy doesn't

tell you to do?

Hey!

Sure I do.

Like what?

I don't know.

She wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer and I'm not.

That's 'cause you got a 400 on your SATs.

450, prick.

I got a big date tonight.

Oh yeah?

How much she charge?

Actually, it's not a real date.

It's one of those Jewish singles dating things.

What the fuck?

Whoa!

Let's just go by the hole.

She'll never hit it there.

Leave it to this cheap public golf course

to team us up with the ying yang twins.

Hey Ernie, Jennifer and I are gonna

go see Darla play tonight.

You want to come?

Nah, man.

I got this Jewish singles thing.

Aah!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Hey, yell at me, I'll fucking [INTERPOSING VOICES].

Calm down, Ernie.

Calm down!

Lunatic!

Nobody's gonna tell me how to make a new friend.

I'm on my own .

Thank you.

Have a good night.

Isn't she great?

Yeah, she was all right.

I'm just kidding.

She was great.

I need a drink.

Come on.

All right.

Hey man, you got a Guinness?

A Guinness.

Uh, uh, I don't-- Tom!

Tom Burns.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's me.

Dorman Howell.

Oh, Dorman Howell!

How you doing, man?

I'm good, man. How you doing?

- How's it going? - It's going good, man.

This is my girlfriend, Jennifer.

Hey there, nice to meet you.

Hey there, yourself.

You guys enjoy the show?

Yes.

Oh!

Yeah, she was great, man.

She's really good.

I dig, I dig it.

Hey, do you guys wanna, you guys wanna meet her?

I'm, I'm friends with her.

Get out of here!

No!

You're friends with her?

Yeah!

You have a friend?

I got one.

God!

He was hated in college.

He's gonna get us back stage!

Except for you.

Thanks for remembering.

You guys wanna get back stage?

Yeah.

Yeah!

Sure.

Well, come on.

I'll introduce you.

Oh my god!

Let's go.

See, you owe me for this.

I know!

Hey!

Hey, .

Darla, come here for one sec.

Darla, this is Jennifer and Tom.

They're friends of mine.

Hey.

Hi, Darla.

Hey.

Big fan.

Thank you. Thanks for coming.

Oh, it's wonderful to meet you.

Yeah, you too.

Thanks for coming.

Darla, Tom's an old college buddy of mine.

You might recognize him from the Sprint PCS commercials.

Yeah, I'm the guy that places a call to a monkey.

Oh, of course!

Yeah, like you saw it!

Not really.

I didn't think so!

I don't think so either.

Drinks?

You ladies like some drinks?

Oh yes.

We would.

You calling me a lady?

DORMAN I think I am.

Yeah, I'll have a beer.

You buying?

Oh, you are such a cheapo!

OK.

Oh good, good. 'Cause I have no money.

Oh god.

Wild Turkey.

Hello?

Oh uh, yeah.

What she's having.

Oh, well really?

I gotta tell you, you were really great tonight.

Thank you.

So how long you been with Thomas?

Oh, like six months.

Wow, six months.

Long time.

Good for you.

You faithful?

Well you know, we have an arrangement.

Sort of.

Really? What, so you're allowed to cheat?

No.

But uh, we, he, we are with other women.

DARLA

At least we would like to be.

Well, it sounds like a really good arrangement for him.

Mm.

I hope you get to be with other men too.

Uh well, not exactly.

Well, it sounds like he's got the better end of the deal

then, huh?

In fact, I know he's got the better end of the deal.

Wanna hear my impression of Yoda?

Mm hmm.

Mmm, a Jedi you are!

Wanna hear my impression of Grover from Sesame Street?

Uh huh.

Mmm, a Jedi you are!

You get it?

It's the same guy.

You get it?

Oh, I'm such an idiot.

Hey, Darla.

Hey.

Hey, when's your album coming out?

I don't know.

Couple months, I guess.

Oh, so exciting.

Yeah.

Yeah, I love that last song you did.

Ohh.

Thank you.

I think I could sing the chorus of it.

No!

No.

I always thought I was a good singer.

Oh come on.

You know what, you guys?

Let's get out of here.

You wanna come back to my place and get some drinks?

Huh.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on.

Let's go.

All right.

OK, so there's drinks over there.

There's joints on the coffee table.

And I'm gonna go clean up.

I'll be back.

Man, this is great!

Such a nice place.

God!

So how cool is this?

A Darla lighter.

I wonder how much I can get for this on eBay?

Thomas Burns, put that back!

Put that back!

Oh geez!

I guess we should smoke, huh?

If a gay guy gets a proctology exam, is that, I mean is,

i-is that foreplay?

It's good for .

So Thomas, Jennifer tells me of your little arrangement.

And it sounds pretty interesting.

Arrangement?

Yeah.

I mean, I've been wanting to fuck your girlfriend all night.

If that means I have to fuck you too, well, I'll take it.

Really?

You're serious?

Uh huh.

Do you want to watch me kiss her?

Fuck yeah.

Oh man!

Oh!

Whoa!

Oh my god!

Seven times.

It's gotta be some kind of record.

Seven times.

Man, that was great.

God, Darla's just so cute!

She's got that kick ass body!

Did I just say that out loud?

What an idiot!

Oh, TMI!

Did I just say TMI?

Oh, how gay am I?

Pull over.

What?

What is the matter?

Jenn, what's wrong?

Nothing.

What do you mean nothing?

Something's bothering you.

Tell me what it is.

You were all over her tonight.

I might as well not have even been there.

Oh, come on!

That was, that's ridiculous!

No now, now you're going on about how hot she is

and how perfect her body is!

Jenn, just perfect for us!

I mean, you know, for the first time we do this.

Come on, I mean you know, I was just saying--

eh, uh I mean, how lucky did we get

to have the first girl be this cute?

That's all I'm saying.

Do you want to keep talking?

Really?

No, I'm just saying!

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

It was just the first time.

I got excited.

I'm an idiot.

I promise.

I, please don't make me beg you.

I love you.

I'm an idiot.

I promise, I'm a schmuck!

How do you say it in Jewish?

I'm a schmuck!

Please, help me out.

Shut up already.

All right, shut up!

So, are you and Jennifer

gonna to see Darla again?

We kinda have his rule that we're only

supposed to be with a girl once.

But Darla was great, man.

A regular pro.

I see.

How about you, Derek?

I mean, do you have a girlfriend?

Well, this isn't about me, Thomas.

But no, I haven't found that special someone as of late.

Well, it's getting to be about that time, so--

Hey um, Darla called.

She wants to hang out tonight, maybe get some drinks?

Yes!

What?

Uh, uh nothing.

I'm just having, you know, some people in the gym over here.

Really?

I mean, I know it's breaking rule number one.

But um, I don't mind if you don't.

I don't have a problem with it.

Unless of course, you do?

No, I don't have a problem with it.

Oh!

I told Ernie I'd meet him for a few drinks.

Ohh.

Is it all right if he came for a little while?

Don't worry, he can't stay long.

Fine.

Yeah, it's been really hard to have some serious relationships

while I'm on the road.

Mm.

Who has better come on lines, men or women?

Well, I really wouldn't know 'cause

I'm too busy coming on to the women.

Cool, but what about the men?

The men?

Uh huh, uh uh.

Oh please, the men!

God, I don't think they really care

about anything else except their own penis.

Damn, that place was way too loud.

I couldn't even hear myself.

You know my father was deaf in his right ear, which is weird

because that's the ear he always wanted me to talk into.

I don't like loud music.

That's how you get tinnitus.

That's a constant ringing in your ears

that could lead to deafness, which would just be awful.

So how does one get this tinnitus?

Loud music.

I just told you that!

Aren't you listening to what I'm saying?

Don't worry, I'm not mad. I'm a very forgiving person.

My father told me I was a very forgiving person.

Hey, what's up?

Oh!

Hey, peep!

What's going on?

Mmm.

Am I late?

It's 10 o'clock.

No, no, no, no.

We, we got here early.

How early?

Two this afternoon?

Like 8:30.

She got out of rehearsal early.

Ah.

Hey Darla, this is my good friend Ernie.

Hi.

Hey.

Mm hmm.

I'm starved.

Can we get anything to eat?

Oh well, as to our conversation,

but their stomachs before that.

What?

Nothing, tiger.

No, no, no.

What? What?

You--no. I gotta go to the ladies room.

I really gotta go.

Oh, .

You wanna come?

- I'll come. - Oh, let's go.

See ya. .

All right, have fun.

I can't wait to show her Ernie, Jr. She's hot.

She is.

What's that look?

Nothing.

What?

That guy Ernie is pretty strange.

He keeps staring at me with this stupid smile on his face.

Get the fuck outta here.

That's right.

Gotta be kidding me!

Nope.

Jesus Christ, how'd you do that?

Don't ask.

That's every guy's fantasy, to bang

two chicks at the same time!

And with a celebrity, no less!

You lucky bastard!

No, Ern.

Skill, skill.

Dude, you gotta make me a video tape.

Get outta here!

And Jennifer doesn't mind that you're giving it

to some other chick at same time?

No, 'cause she having a good time too.

Wow!

I don't know what to say!

Well, there's a first.

Fucker!

Motherfucker!

So how you doing?

How's the prostitute parade going?

It's actually all right.

What, two for one sale?

I met a nice normal girl, actually.

Really, where?

At that Jewish singles thing.

Great!

What happened.

Well, they made everybody go up and give like,

a speech about themselves, you know?

So it's my turn to go up there.

I get up in front of the whole crowd,

I look over the fucking crowd and I say--

Yeah uh, hi everybody.

My name's Ernest Weinberg.

And I got one question.

Where the fuck are the hot chicks at?

This place sucks!

I paid $99 to meet a bunch of old people and their parents?

Holy shit, I've seen younger faces on cash!

Oh, and guys, do you want a piece of advice?

You want to get laid?

Lose the fucking obnoxious beards!

This sucks!

I don't understand something then.

So where'd you meet the girl?

On the way out.

She's the coat check girl.

Sorry!

Hey.

You're pretty.

There's one problem.

She's got a job?

No.

Worse.

She's got a penis?

She's Catholic.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm Jewish.

Yeah?

Yeah.

So I can't get serious with a Catholic girl.

It goes against every part of my religion.

What, and banging prostitutes doesn't?

I can't bring a Catholic girl home.

My mom will kill me!

Oh my god!

There you go with your mother again!

What, does she own your penis?

Yes!

Dude, being a Jew or a Catholic,

it's like being a Yankee or a Met fan.

The only difference is where a Yankee fan can recognize

a good player like Carlos Delgado playing for the Mets,

the Jews can't appreciate a good player

like Jesus playing for the Catholics.

Uh huh.

I mean, they must be jealous.

I mean, he's young, virile, swimmer's body,

the walking on water.

And you know what really pisses him off?

It's that he was once on their team.

It's kinda like when the Red Sox got rid of Babe Ruth.

Are you done?

Dude, do you really believe Moses parted the Red Sea?

Yes!

It was low tide.

You're going to hell.

No, I'm going over there.

Motherfucker!

Jennifer, where you going?

Jenn!

Wait up!

Where you going?

What's the matter?

Oh, here we go again.

Here we go again?

Now what is it?

This is bullshit!

You were all over her!

You don't care anything about me!

Oh come on, Jenn.

Not again with this.

You know what I think, Thomas?

Being loved just by me isn't good enough for you.

Jenn, of course it is!

Come on, will you stop it with this?

Ugh.

Look sweetums, I love you more than love itself.

This Darla chick is nothing more to me than a sperm receptacle.

Sperm receptacle?

You're an asshole.

Just kidding.

Figure of speech.

Poetic license.

Jenn, come on!

Listen Jenn, you wanted this too.

And as soon as I start enjoying myself, you gotta fuck it up!

Oh, here we go.

Everything has to be about you!

Oh, what are you talking about?

You know what, Jenn?

You are fricking nuts, totally nuts.

And now you're gonna leave.

How typical.

Just great, just great!

I hope one day you get what you want.

Come on, Jennifer!

Give me a break!

I love you.

I don't know, man.

I'm miserable.

I'm freaking out.

I mean, it's been a week!

I can't eat, I can't think.

Uh, em, I can't even jerk off!

Well, don't you see her in the show?

Nah.

Edgar's back from the cruise.

Unfortunately his boat didn't sink.

Well, why don't you stop by, say hi, work it out?

Because man, she's wrong.

I mean, she agreed to doing this.

Fuck!

You know, Thomas, you realize you ask a lot of her.

I mean, this threesome stuff is pretty tricky stuff.

Especially with someone you love.

Thomas, you do know that she did love you.

I mean, she does love you.

And maybe she just needs to be assured that you still

feel the same way about her.

Maybe it's time that you reach out to her.

I mean, do you still love her?

I love her more than anything.

And can you deal with just making love to her?

Thomas, don't let her go.

Find her.

Sex, it's temporary.

But love, real love?

It's pretty hard to find.

Hey Thomas!

You got a call back too!

Congratulations!

Yeah, same with you.

Great, man.

Hey dude, meet my new girlfriend.

It's Maria.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Hey Thomas, you're next.

Great.

Wish me luck.

Dude, da da da da da da da.

Break a leg in there, man.

What do you think?

How?

She's a tomato, huh?

Yeah, she's great.

Yeah.

What happened to her eyes?

Umbrella accident.

How you doing, man?

You heard from Jennifer?

Nah, she's staying with Tracy.

Hey, what happened to your mom and her anti-Catholic position?

Fuck her.

Hey Tommy.

It's, it's, this is Johnny.

Look, I, I need you to do this clown thing for me one more

time.

One last time.

It's in Long Island.

I'll even let you borrow my father's car.

I, I just, I just gotta work this thing out with my girl.

Ugh!

Great.

Thanks for the job, Johnny.

I'm a fricking clown again.

Who says clowns ain't happy?

So fricking happy.

Yeah, that and $9 will get me a coffee at Starbucks.

Thomas, what are you fucking nuts?

Why you whining?

Who the hell are you?

I'm your better half.

Think of all the new you could get now.

Thomas, go back to her.

She loves you.

You love her.

Forget her.

You fucked her already.

Move on!

Thomas, think clearly.

Follow your heart.

Go back to her.

Don't listen to this faggot.

He wouldn't know a good piece of ass if it sat on his face.

His idea of a good time is playing

that fucking annoying harp all day.

And by the way, he's a horrible fucking harp player.

God had to buy earplugs.

Ooh, that smarts!

Thomas, think of Jennifer.

Think of you!

Shut up, you faggot.

Listen Thomas, if he had any pull, he'd be riding shotgun.

Thomas, think about it.

This one decision will be with you for the rest of your life!

Wait.

What am I thinking?

I miss Jennifer.

Jesus, I love her.

Who the heck needs this threesome crap?

You fucking cocksucker sucker bone smoking faggot homo

piece of shit!

Jenn?

Oh wow.

Oh god!

What the fuck is this?

What the fuck's going on here?

Tom?

Yeah Tom!

Don't mind me, Jenn.

Go ahead and let Darla finish!

Oh shit.

Jennifer, are you kidding me?

You're fucking cheating on me?

Cheating on you?

She broke up with you.

A week ago!

Jenn, one fucking week?

That's all it took to get over me?

One fucking week?

Look Tommy, I'm really sorry.

Can I talk to you about this later?

Can I maybe call you?

Can you call me?

You're sorry?

You're sorry.

Jenn, how can you do this to me?

What do you want me to say?

I like being with Darla.

She makes me feel good.

Jenn, this doesn't bother you in the least?

Are you that fucking heartless?

Heartless?

Gimme a break!

Give you a break?

How about all your fucking rules?

Don't be with the same woman twice.

Don't be with anyone we know.

Sound familiar, doesn't it Jenn?

You're fucking breaking the rules here, not me!

Tom, I think you should go.

You think I should go?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what she said.

Want me to go?

Jenn, can't you see she's playing

some sick kind of fucking game?

I'm playing a game?

You're the one that wanted to share her

with any girl that was available.

You know, if I had her as a girlfriend,

I would never share her with anyone.

Ever.

Jenn.

This is it?

We're done?

Ooh.

Hey, T-T-Thomas.

Th- this is my friend Stephanie.

Hi, T-T-T-T-Thomas.

Hey guys.

Dad, that's him.

That's the guy!

Him?

Yeah!

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

Well look who it is!

What?

So where do you get off telling my kid that you're a warlock?

Scaring him half to death.

The kid can't sleep!

He's been sleeping in my room every night!

Look, I'm sorry.

But maybe if you teach your kid to stop

picking on kids with speech impediments, this never--

Hey, look asshole.

Don't tell me how to raise my kid.

Dude, don't make me have to kick your ass again, all right?

Oh!

Damn!

Where are you?

Come on, I'll kick your ass!

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Oh fuck!

THOMAS (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): This is Thomas.

JENNIFER (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): And Jennifer.

THOMAS (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Leave a message

after the

ERNIE (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Yo, Tommy boy!

It's Ernie.

You're not gonna believe this!

Dude, I got the commercial!

It's national!

Oh, uh, uh, I'm sorry you didn't get it, bro.

Oh, and I'm getting married.

Dude, call me.

THOMAS (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): This is Thomas.

JENNIFER (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): And Jennifer.

THOMAS (ON ANSWERING MACHINE): Leave a message

after the

SEAMUS Hey Thomas, it's Seamus.

Edgar has to leave for another cruise again, and-- what?

Oh, he isn't going?

Sorry Thomas.

Turns out he isn't leaving.

Hope all is well.

NEIGHBOR 1 Fondle it, fondle it!

NEIGHBOR 2 Oh, oh, .

Oh yes!

Oh .

NEIGHBOR 2

NEIGHBOR 1 Ooh, there it is!

NEIGHBOR 2 Smear it on your face.

Smear it on your face.

NEIGHBOR 1 Oh, oh yes!

NEIGHBOR 2

Yes!

Ooh!

NEIGHBOR 1 Oh my god!

Hi.

Oh my god, Derek!

Oh hi.

Uh.

What are you doing here?

.

Whoa!

That was weird.

You don't understand.

What's up?

Well, I've been trying to reach you,

but your phone's disconnected.

So your, your friend Ernie gave me your address, so I came by.

Oh, w-what's going on?

There's a commercial that you're perfect for.

So I was in the neighborhood, so I brought it by for you here.

Wow, thanks a lot!

That's really nice of you.

Ah, is this it?

Mm hmm.

Thanks a lot.

Cool.

All right, well take care.

Take care, Thomas.

Hey, do you want to get a cup of coffee or something with me?

You want to get a cup of coffee with me?

I, I, I haven't showered in like three days.

Three weeks.

Oh, come on.

I mean, it's, it's, it just isn't a good time.

Uh, er, you know.

Don't make me beg.

Don't make you beg?

No, I'm not gonna make you beg.

All right.

Don't you have a boyfriend?

I did.

I don't anymore.

He kept trying to get me to sleep with other women.

Really?

Really.

What an asshole.

I guess the moral of the story

is, if you love what you got and you got what you love,

don't fuck it up!

How can I--

DIRECTOR .

I'm gonna forget it again.

DIRECTOR You're not!

And I did.

Thomas, think about it.

I just forgot my lines.

Excuse me, asshole.

I mean stir.

I means s-- I mean sir.

I meant sir.

I didn't mean stir.

Cut!

Come on, let me in!

I was kidding!

I was just kidding!

However we wind up having sex , we would--

Whoo!

Cut!

Chick is nothing more to me than a sperm receptacle.

Sperm respect--

Who's that?

$99 to meet a bunch of broads whose idea of a workout

is jogging up to the buffet?

Ah!

Don't!

I'm sorry.

I'm sliding all over my pants!

I'm sorry.

I mean, don't you think-- my earring fell off.

DIRECTOR It's OK, it's OK!

Keep rolling.

Not as much as your mouth.

All right, that's fine.

You fucking idiot.

You question their credibility, whether or not-- oh fuck.

No Tom.

You push-- aw shit, fuck.

You know, I'm not getting any younger.

Let's celebrate together again one more time.

And I fuck it up, so all just come back please.

Are you, you know, are you single right now?

Am I blowing anyone?

Uh, I don't really have time to blow anyone

because it's uh, that time and you know.

Yeah.

Have you had a time of the month?

I'll come.

You guys gonna take a dump?

Yeah.

Yeah, come on.

Don't pay any attention to him.

Good god.

Come on.

I'm gonna find her.

I mean, there's gotta be a girl like that-- uh fuck you!

Fuck me!

Fuck Jm!

Fuck everybody!

It's like fat broads.

Their idea, uh, you know.

Fuck.

So how, how can my penis mean anything ?

No!

So what now?

Whoo!

Um, now we get undressed.

Let's get undressed.

I bet you I'll beat you, Bellamy.

Oh fuck, I'm an idiot.

I once fucked a guy up the ass

and, and, and he had hemorrhoids.

It was like speed bumps to get in.

DEREK Oh, that is so hot.

I, I'm going to write down.

That's a real visual.

It's like throwing a deck chair off the-- excuse me.

Aah!

Dude, do you really believe Moses parted the Red Sea?

It was low tide!

You fucking idiot!

Mr. Ross just sneezed!

DIRECTOR We're rolling.

We're rolling .

Mr Ross just sneezed!

DIRECTOR We're rolling.

I'm allergic to your acting.

You try and you cre-- you, oh fuck.

Well, might be hard to find that woman that, aw fuck me!

Whose fucking cell phone is that?

DIRECTOR .

Uh, hi everybody.

Uh, my name is Ernest W--

That was beautiful.

Hey wait!

Oh fuck!

Fuck.

There's a blooper.

That's a blooper.

We just got a blooper.

Hey, we got a blooper!

Wait, .

Is it hard?

I gotta ask that.

Ready?

I been thinking.

You know that's scary.

Last time I did that, I decided to end up

Dad, how can my-- Dad, how can my penis mean any-- aah!

DIRECTOR Say it again.

I can't remember it!

Cut!

Do you have a boyfriend?

I'm sorry.

Right.

Good for you.

You go home and watch "Three's Company"

and I'll talk to you later.

Oh, you know, I know girls, you know,

say it's like a beautiful flower.

But to me, it's like an artichoke.

I mean, there's all those flaps and shit.

I don't know if I should peel it or eat it.

Those kegel muscles are kicking in right now, let me tell you.

Mama works out for ya!

Yeah.

Ow!

We're really in love.

Shit, sorry.

DIRECTOR .

What, what, what happened to Deborah, Kelly?

You, you know, I always

hated "Too Close For Comfort."

DEREK Lydia,

Sarah

That's for the blooper reel!

DIRECTOR