Original subtitles

'Bout time.

You said I only had to babysit Oscar for three hours.

Where were you guys?

I'm on step nine of AA, making amends.

So Momo's been driving me around to apologize.

Oh, I'm calling it my Eras tour.

My beer era, my tequila era,

and my appletini era.

I kept it classy there at the end.

There's a lot of talking

and not enough of handing out fries.

Oh.

I ate all the fries. I'm sorry, Gordo.

Hey.

Take Chance off the list.

So you've apologized to Chance, Mayan, Quinten, Rosie,

and all the hot mannequins at Victoria's Secret?

I see now how I should have respected them for their minds.

It looks like everyone's gotten an apology from George

except for the most important person in his life.

Jackie Chan?

Me, man.

What do you mean? He told you he was sorry the other day.

No. I dropped a box on his foot.

And he said, I'm sorry I ever hired you.

What do you want him to apologize for?

It was a cold autumn eve.

The Raiders were playing the Chargers.

Ah.

George dared me to run onto the field

and tackle football legend Marshawn Lynch.

[GASPS] You tackled Beast Mode?

I tried.

But it looked more like a Chihuahua trying to hump a Great Dane.

George swore he'd block security,

but he was wasted.

So all he did was just point at me and say, get him!

I was hauled off to Raider jail,

where I was given the name Bitch Mode.

Wow. George should definitely apologize for that.

Yeah. Well, I'm sure he will.

He's probably just saving the best for last.

I forgot some of my apology tour,

someone who has been very loyal,

who has always been there for me.

I'm sorry, Churro.

I'm sorry I threw a shoe at you when I was drunk.

I thought you were a gremlin.

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

?

We're here.

You guys were gone a long time.

Oh, we had the best day.

Shopping, lunch at the Cheesecake Factory,

a couple's massage.

Couple's massage?

No, don't worry.

She told everyone I was gay so it wouldn't be weird.

I love shopping with Quinten.

He's always honest about how good I look.

It is genuine honesty,

not fear.

You guys have been hanging out a lot.

It's like my mom thinks you're her husband.

- That's silly. - Quinten, honey,

can you unzip me, I wanna try this on.

I'm thinking of wearing this dress for dinner on Friday.

Oh, by the way, Quinten and I are going to have dinner on Friday,

so we're gonna need you to babysit Chance.

Have you thought about going out

with someone, you know, not in this family?

Maybe you should start dating.

Maybe you should stop dating and get married.

- Quinten, zipper! - Sorry, dear.

Yeah. You're right. She needs a husband.

I think my mom is afraid to get back out there.

Oh, we should set her up.

I actually know someone.

Walter. He's a sweet guy.

He's... he'd one of my regulars at the Apple store,

so you know he's got money.

Perfect.

My mom and I always dreamed about having a sugar daddy

to replace our pickled daddy.

?

Did George apologize for landing you in Raider jail?

Recently voted third most violent jail in the country.

No, he has not.

Why don't you just ask him?

If there's one thing I know about relationships,

it's that you can't ask men to do things.

You need to trick them.

So to jog his memory, I got us all tickets

to the Raider-Charger game this Sunday.

Nice.

How'd you afford that?

I saved up and went to the bank.

The sperm bank.

They pay you for your sperm?

I can't give mine away.

Once George remembers how he betrayed me,

he's gonna feel bad, apologize,

and then probably ask me to take his last name.

Ooh. Where's my coffee?

Just how you like it, black with a splash of cream

and 24 sugars.

One of these is a Splenda!

You know what you'll think is sweet,

these tickets to the Raider game.

Oh, yeah, that is sweet, Oscar,

but you know, I don't go to the games anymore,

since I stopped drinking.

I mean, without paying $23 for a Bud Light, where's the fun?

Wait. Hey! Hey!

It can be fun sober.

I don't know, man.

My favorite part was all the stuff we did wasted.

Like tussling with that angry chola.

At least I think she was angry.

I can't tell the way they draw their eyebrows on.

My sister arches hers real wide.

She always looks so surprised to see me.

And since I can't drink, I can't go. You should sell the ticket.

Oh, and give me all the money.

Wait!

What if we all don't drink?

Excuse me?

You'd really stay sober for me?

Yes.

All right. You know what? I'm in. Let's do it.

ALL: Raider Nation!

I'm here.

And my prayers have been answered.

You're finally coming to church with me on a non-holiday.

I already told Jesus.

He's very excited to see you.

How come Jesus doesn't have to wear a suit to church?

I should be allowed to go in my chonies too.

But before we go,

Quinten and I have someone that we would like you to meet.

Are you trying to set me up?

I'm not looking to date anyone.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

But Quinten's found you a real catch, Mom.

Soon you'll be on a romantic three-month cruise.

It'll be the best vacation of my life.

Your life.

Buenos d�as.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Rosie.

Ah!

Sorry. You know, arthritis in my hand.

No, no, no. I can get it.

I can get it.

Need a hand there, Walter?

Nope. I got it.

He don't got it.

Will you excuse us a moment, Walter?

Why would you think it was a good idea

to set me up with Father Time?

Was there no one older available,

like the Gutenberg Bible, Chichen Itza,

a pterodactyl?

That's what you think I want for my romantic life?

That's what you think I deserve?

No, I just think that at your age, your options might be limited.

[GASPS]

That came out wrong.

And what would be the right way to say that?

Mom, you've been divorced ten years.

Don't you miss male companionship?

I get plenty of sex, Mayan.

What?

Do you really think I can't get any?

Look at me.

I go to church on Sundays to make up

for what I do on Saturdays.

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

?

[CROWD CHEERING]

The last time we won the Super Bowl, my hair was black

and this tooth right here was silver.

Now, it's reversed.

This could be our year.

This is our year.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Welcome to the field our special guest,

NFL legend and future Hall of Famer,

Marshawn Lynch!

[2 UNLIMITED'S "GET READY FOR THIS"]

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

?

Make some noise for Beast Mode!

CROWD: [CHANTING] Beast Mode! Beast Mode! Beast Mode!

- Beast Mode! - And ladies, he's single

and in the best shape of his life.

I'm single and in the best shape of my life too.

This is fun, huh?

You don't need to be drunk like those fools over there.

It's like they have no dignity.

Oh, pardon me.

Excuse me.

You look like the Mexican Bowser.

You're not wearing your nipple spikes?

Now that I'm at my first game sober,

I realize everyone's staring at me and I look stupid.

Doesn't that remind you of the time that we were here

and I looked stupid.

It was a cold autumn eve.

You look stupid all the time, man, all four seasonings.

Oh, man, I know it's hard not to drink today, guys,

and I truly appreciate it, man. That's real friendship.

Hey, let's take a selfie.

You can't even see me.

Who cares, man? My hair looks great.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

And now, it's time for the dance cam.

?

When a man can look like a damn fool

for the love of his team,

that's what Raider Nation is all about.

Man, being at this game reminds me,

I owe someone a huge apology.

Oh. This is the perfect time to say it.

- Oscar? - Yes, George?

Can you slide through here, man?

I'm gonna apologize to Momo.

The last time we were here,

I was the one that put that spike on your seat.

That was you?

Raul had to pull that out.

I still owe him a favor.

I know. I'm sorry, man.

- I love you, man. - I love you too.

[CROWD CHEERING]

I take it back.

Grown men crying,

that's what Raider Nation is all about.

Women, take note.

[VOICE BREAKS] Football is our therapy.

Ow.

You are wearing the nipple spikes.

No, I'm just really happy.

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

Mom's so mad.

But seriously, who lies about getting laid?

Can I help you?

She ain't mad no mo'.

Oh, my God, you're Mayan.

Your mom has told me so many stories

and shown me so many pictures.

And who are you?

Mayan, what are you doing here?

You can't just show up unannounced to someone's house.

?

Waited 15 minutes for the bathroom,

then 30 minutes for the nachos.

By then I had to go to the bathroom all over again.

You waited for the bathroom?

I just went here.

Raider Nation!

ALL: Raider Nation!

Is that beer?

No. It's my pee.

I know the difference between pee and Corona.

I learned that the hard way.

What the hell, man? I thought you guys said you weren't gonna drink.

Oscar had the idea to hide beer in coffee cups.

- Momo! - What?

You know I'm a chismosa when I'm buzzed.

Hey, man. How could you do that?

Doesn't feel good when your friends let you down, does it?

No, it doesn't. I think you owe me an apology.

No. You owe me an apology.

- For what? - For getting wasted

and not having my back with Marshawn Lynch.

Not having your back with Marshawn?

Man, you were the reason I was drunk that day.

What are you talking about?

If AA taught me anything,

it taught me that you're an enabler.

And once I looked up what enabler meant,

I realized, I didn't owe you an apology.

Enabler.

I have taken your car keys.

I have called Mayan so many times to let her know

that her dad was not passed out in a ditch.

And I am the one who took you to the hospital

when you almost died last year.

No way, man. The ambulance took me to the hospital.

Of course you don't remember.

Forget the Marshawn apology.

You should be apologizing for 20 years of our friendship.

I am done with you, man,

just like I am done pretending that I am a Raider fan.

Bang bang, Niner gang.

?

Well, now that you're both dressed,

I just have one question.

What the hell?

She means, how did you two meet?

Josu� is a personal injury attorney,

specializing in car accidents

and dog attacks and looking fine.

Hey, maybe you've seen my ad.

Get bit by a Shih Tzu, this lawyer bites back.

Wha... you... you're No Way Josu�!

Oh!

I have seen your face on buses

and shopping carts and urinals.

That is so cool.

It's not that cool.

Once I saw how much attention

Rosie La Reina's billboard was getting,

I decided to put one right in front of hers.

So then she stormed into my office

and, well, gave me a piece of her mind.

But then I decided to give him a piece of something else.

BOTH: Ew.

Her heart.

BOTH: Oh.

Wait, those billboards have been up for a while.

So you guys have been dating for...

Six months.

When were you planning on telling me?

When I was put into a situation

where I was forced to tell you.

Cookies?

So, hey. I'm here with quarterback Jim Plunkett.

There's not a lot of people

that deserve the title Raider legend.

But Jim, how does it feel to be talking to one?

And who are you?

You know Oscar took me to the hospital?

Yeah, because you were unconscious.

He picked you up and dropped you off himself

because the ambulance wouldn't have made it on time.

He saved my life.

Man, I feel terrible.

Imagine how I feel having to tell you.

I gotta make this right.

I gotta go to the bathroom again.

?

[PHONE RINGS]

Is that your mom again?

Yes.

And I am not speaking to her,

unless I need her to babysit, cook, clean, or do my taxes.

Isn't Josu� what we wanted for her, though?

Why are you so upset?

Because we tell each other everything,

so it hurts that she kept him secret from me for six months.

I'm here.

To remind you, if I'm not in your life,

you just have your dad.

Why didn't you tell me about Josu� sooner?

I was nervous.

After everything we've been through with your dad,

I didn't wanna just bring any man into your life.

I had to make sure that he was worthy of meeting you.

Well, is he?

I think he is.

Is he worthy of meeting me?

Oh, Quinten.

You're no one to him until you put a ring on it.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Not a good idea trying to get out of here

with a Niner jersey on.

I am lucky they let me keep my pants.

Did you see George? He went looking for you.

No, I did not see George, and I don't care.

It's time for me to be the main character of my own life.

Do you need a sidekick?

Sorry, bro. I already have Raul.

Excuse me?

Yeah, so how was it playing in those great days?

Is that George?

Well, I played when the defenses could actually hit the quarterback.

What the hell?

Excuse me, Marshawn, Mr. Jim Plunkett.

You should be in the NFL Hall of Fame, by the way.

- You seem like a nice guy. - Well, I'm not.

I deserve to be in the Hall of Fame of bad friends.

Oscar, I'm sorry you had to put up with a drunk version of me

for all those years.

The drunk version?

Wait. You sober right now?

Beast Mode, can we go silent mode.

Oscar, you always have my back, even when I don't have yours.

I'm sorry that it took me so long to apologize.

I was wrong. Wait a minute.

In AA, the 10th step is admitting that you're wrong.

I did it! Ha! All 10 steps.

Raiders!

- No, no, no. It's actually 12 steps. - No, in Mexico, it's 10.

This is for you, Oscar!

Mr. Plunkett, can you hold that?

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

You wanna call security?

Yeah. Hey, security!

Oh, my God.

He tried to tackle Beast Mode for me.

I hope security goes easy on him.

And he's down.

Let's go bail him out of Raider jail, boys.

[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, my God! You're No Way Josu�!

You must be George.

How did you know that? Is Marshawn suing?

That wasn't me. That was Eric Estrada.

No, George.

This is my boyfriend.

Oh.

Is this some kind of a joke?

No way, Josu�.

Just so you know, I'm in AA.

I'm making amends,

so right now, I just wanna say I'm sorry for everything.

But you haven't done anything to me.

Don't worry. It's coming.

?

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