Original subtitles

Ugh. Bloody hell.

SHE TUTS

SHE SIGHS

- Morning. - Oh, hiya, Larry.

Foxes, is it?

Yeah. Either that, or Damon's had the midnight munchies.

LARRY'S FRONT DOOR CLOSES

I might put poison down, that'd soon stop 'em.

Best to use a brick.

- A brick?! - Well, that's what I do.

I don't think the animal cruelty people would be too happy with that.

No, I mean to put on top of the bin,

- so they can't knock it over. - Oh, yeah.

- Are you settling in all right? - Not bad.

We're still living out of boxes, but we're getting there.

Now, Popcorn, you come here!

Ooh, he's a beggar for food!

Fill your boots, Popcorn!

Saves me picking it all up!

Anyway, as I say, anything I can do, let me know.

Thanks, Larry.

- Ah, see you. - Yeah.

Come on, you. Mind the road, please.

This way. Good boy.

RUSTLING

- They look so false, don't they? - Oh, God, yeah.

One for the winter newsletter, I think!

BOTH CHUCKLE

- Ban plastic now. - OK.

- Ready? - Yeah.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Oooh.

- Are they in? - I think so, I'm not sure.

- I've never seen them yet. - Right.

- Oh, here we are. - We're not stopping, right? - No.

DOOR OPENS

- Yeah? - Hello.

We just thought we'd come over and introduce ourselves.

Ken and Sheila from number eight.

Oh, hi. Damon.

Damian?

- No. Damon. - Oh, Damon!

Like, er, like, er, like the jam.

- That's damson, you dozy sod! - Oh, yes!

Ignore him. How are you settling in?

Yeah, good, thanks.

Still living out of boxes, you know?

Yes, we'd noticed a lot of takeaway bikes.

I said to Ken, "She's probably not got her kitchen up together yet."

- Yeah, well. - Yeah, well. Anyway...

- Yeah. - There's a cauliflower quiche in there for you.

- Oh! Thank you. - Enjoy. - Very kind.

Probably healthier than all those curries and whatnot!

DAMON CLEARS HIS THROAT

It's, er, it's Valerie, your wife, isn't it?

Yeah, Val, yeah. She's at work at the moment.

Yeah, we've seen her driving off every morning.

Not had a chance to say hello yet.

How do you find the Peugeot? I've heard mixed reports.

Yeah, it's fine as a runaround,

but looking to get an electric next.

Oof, good luck!

HE CHUCKLES

Tricky customers if they break down, I believe.

They run off an iPad, don't they?

I'm learning to drive at the moment,

but Ken won't take me out in our car.

Well, we've got a Volvo estate, Damon, can you blame me?!

Well, how am I supposed to practise, then?!

SHE LAUGHS

Well...

Anyway, tell Val to pop round for a cuppa whenever she wants.

- Hmm, yeah. - And when you're all settled in, well, we'll, er...

Well, we'll have some supper.

..we'll have to have you round for some supper, yeah.

Yeah, lovely. Thank you.

- And, er, just a little tip. - Yeah?

I noticed you'd got some boxes out for recycling.

But you have to break it down and put it in the bin

with the lid fully closed, otherwise they won't take it.

Oh, OK. Well, they did actually take it, so...

- Yeah, well, just for future reference. - Right.

Bring the Tupperware back whenever, no need to wash it.

Thanks, Sheila, very kind. Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, too. - Bye.

Take care.

DOOR CLOSES

- Oof! - Well!

- Were those pyjama bottoms? - I've got no idea.

REVVING

TYRES SCREECH

GEARS CRUNCH

TYRES SKID

HORN BLASTS

MUSIC BLARES

VAL: Turn that down, please!

- DAMON: - Why do you keep turning it down?

Because it's too loud! I can't hear the telly.

You've never liked my taste in music, we know that.

Yeah, well, you're not at the Hacienda now, you know?!

INDISTINCT ARGUING CONTINUES

Oh, hey, here she comes, I told you.

Oh, don't worry.

Probably just lost her broomstick.

VAL CHUCKLES

Yeah.

- Hiya, Sheila. - Hello! My goodness!

You're a pair of busy bees, aren't you?

Yeah, we love Halloween, we always make a big thing of it.

So I can see.

You won't be doing any more than this, though, will you?

How do you mean?

Well, we don't want to attract the, er, mischief-makers

from the estate, do we?

Oh, they're only kids.

Yeah, I-I know, but as you can see,

nobody else really indulges it on the close.

Well, if you can grin and bear it for a couple of days,

it doesn't last long.

It's just a bit of fun, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, I'm not saying that.

Ken and I like fun, we love fun.

We went to crazy golf at the weekend.

- Nice! - Yeah.

Well, I was just thinking about you, Val,

we don't want you attracting undesirables.

Oh, no, don't worry, Humphrey will scare 'em off.

- Humphrey? - Humphrey Bone-gart!

HE CHUCKLES

Oh.

- HUMPHREY: - Ha-a-appy Halloween!

VAL AND DAMON LAUGH

Will we be seeing you and Kenny at the Stag later?

They're having a fancy-dress do.

No, I don't think so.

It's Michael Ball's Who Do You Think You Are? tonight,

and we've been looking forward to it.

We once met him on a cruise, you know,

and we've been following his career ever since, so...

Well, I hope you have a good time. The three of you.

Oh, no, Humphrey's... He's not coming.

He's got NO BODY to go with!

VAL AND DAMON LAUGH

I see.

- Well, have a pleasant evening. - Yeah. And you.

HUMPHREY LAUGHS

Michael Ball. Fucking hell.

DOORBELL CHIMES

VAL: Hello?

Can you let me in?

HE SIGHS

Where's your key?

- PATS POCKETS - I don't know. In my other jacket.

You're a fucking joke, Damon. D'you know that?

Yeah.

HE SIGHS

Sorry.

FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

DOOR OPENS

Thank you, love.

INDISTINCT ARGUING INSIDE

- I was... - No, because you spilt it down the stairs.

I haven't spilt it.

If you'd have stayed with me in the pub...

Why didn't you stay, Val?

Because you get too drunk. And then you get aggressive.

Ah, aggressive! What you talking about?!

- Look at you now! - You talking about?

- Look at you now. - Back!

- Is that what do you think? - Oh, get your...out my way.

Ah, piss off.

MILK BOTTLES CLINK

INDISTINCT ARGUING

No, you better not, I've just bought that.

- No, fuck off. - You fuck off!

- No, you fuck off. - What are you...?

Get away from it! Get out!

Go! THUDDING ON STAIRS

THUD AGAINST DOOR

POPCORN PANTS

Pop up here.

DOORBELL CHIMES

DOORBELL CHIMES

- KENNY: - Hiya, Larry!

Oh, hi, Kenny. You all right?

Yeah, not bad.

Sheila's costing me an arm and a leg with these

bloody driving lessons, but...

HE CHUCKLES

When's the test?

Oh, it won't be for ages yet. She's failed it twice.

Hello! Hello!

Hey, have you heard any funny noises coming from in there?

- How do you mean? - They've been banging about,

doing DIY and God knows what at all hours.

Oh, no, that's not on. Have you said something?

I've just tried, but there's no-one in.

Right. I'd speak to the wife, if I were you.

She seems like the reasonable one.

- He's always half-cut. - I will.

All right, good luck. See you later, pal.

Ah, see you, Kenny.

Come on, then.

CREAKING AND SHUFFLING

THUD

SCRAPING

RATTLING

THUDDING

HE GRUNTS

SUITCASE THUDS

DOORBELL CHIMES

DOOR OPENS

Oh... Oh, I'm sorry, did I wake you?

No, just had a bit of a late night.

What do you want now?

I just wondered if you'd finished with my Tupperware?

What Tupperware?

You remember I brought you that quiche round,

just after you'd moved in?

And I know I said bring it back when you're ready,

but it's been a while, and I do like to do a bake

for the old folks in the home up the road.

- I don't know where it is. - Oh.

Well, maybe Valerie does - is she in?

Not at the moment.

Oh.

We haven't seen her for ages. How is she?

- She's fine. - Good.

Well, send her my best wishes.

If you like, I could just bob in and have a rootle round,

I've probably got a good idea where she's put it...

I am in the middle of something at the moment,

so it's not convenient.

But if I find it, I'll bring it round.

Lovely.

Just pop it in the porch if we're not in.

All right.

Toodle-pip.

- Love to Val. - Yeah.

DOOR SLAMS

DOOR CLOSES

CAR DOOR CLOSES

ENGINE STARTS

- KENNY: - Have you got the key? - LARRY: Yeah.

Are you sure we should be doing this, though?

Well, you said yourself, there's been something fishy going on -

all that banging and shouting.

Bloody footprints on the drive.

It doesn't mean he's murdered her!

And it doesn't mean he hasn't.

What's the point of having a Neighbourhood Watch

- if we're not watching out for each other? - Yeah.

- Right, everybody, gloves on. - Oh, yeah.

Larry, what are they supposed to be?

Well, it's all I've got.

Oh, well, you'll have to stand watch, then.

- Right, give me the key. - Oh.

KEYS JANGLE

Thank you.

OK...

LOCK RATTLES

It's not working!

Are you sure it's the right one?

Yes! The Bensons gave it t'me, I've had it years.

I used to go in and feed their cat.

- Let me have a go. - OK.

Oh, no, it's not even going in.

They must've changed the locks. Blither.

Right, well, why don't we just see if we can see anything

through the windows?

What are we looking for, exactly?

Well, anything out of the ordinary.

- Signs of struggle. - Yeah.

In my mind, he's chopped her up in the bath, and then

he's put her in them suitcases.

They seemed like such a nice couple, as well.

Oh, look, up there. Bedroom window's open.

- Kenny, fetch the ladders. - Oh, you're joking, aren't you?!

They're right at the back of the shed!

Just go and get 'em!

She might be lying up there half-conscious, for all we know.

THEY SIGH

I've got it all logged, you know?

Watching his every move, all his comings and goings.

- I've been taking notes. - What for?

Well, if this turns out to be real and he really has murdered her,

we'll have to turn it over, won't we?

What, to the police?

No - to Netflix.

They might make one of those documentaries about it.

- Do you think so? - Yeah, well why not?

The Mulberry Close Murders.

Murders...? Has he done more than one?

Well, we don't know, do we?

People get up to all sorts.

I'd have my face pixelated, I think,

I don't want people staring at me in Waitrose.

Can I be me in it?

Yeah.

- Ohh. - I don't see why not.

Oh, what's that one for?

That's the back door.

Maybe they didn't change that one!

Right, well, you keep lookout, I'll go and check.

DOG BARKS

It's all right, Popcorn,

I'll be back in a minute!

Larry, it works. I'm going in.

OK, roger that.

DOOR OPENS

POPCORN BARKS

Be quiet, Popcorn!

Oh, you'll wake the whole bloomin' close up!

ENGINE STOPS

CAR DOOR OPENS

CAR DOOR CLOSES

LOCK RATTLES

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

- Larry, where are you? - I'm here!

- Popcorn was barking. - He's come back!

What are you doing up there? Be careful, you'll fall.

Drag me that bin over.

CLATTER

Not that one, the other one!

I need to climb down!

THUDDING

CLATTERING

DOOR OPENS

Larry?

Hello, Damon!

What you doing, Larry?

Er...

Well, I...

Oh! Y-You'll know this -

is it the recycling this week, or next?

I-I can never remember.

Next Monday.

Of course! Yes.

I-I'll, er, put this back for you, then.

Just trying to be neighbourly.

GLASS CLINKS

Hiya, Damon! Hiya, Larry!

Hi-i-i...

I, erm, I just wondered if you wanted your gutters clearing?

I've just done mine, and I thought,

while I've got the ladder out...

Well, you... You can do mine if you like?

It's nearly midnight. Why would I want my gut...

Don't turn round! It's just,

there's a massive spider dangling above your head.

Now, hang still.

WINDOW CLOSES

That's it.

Yeah, she's gone now - you can turn round if you want.

DAMON SIGHS

So, are you off out, Damon?

Yes, well, I'm going to get the... fill the car.

Forgot my wallet - if it's any business of yours.

Right, well, drive safe.

CAR DOOR CLOSES

ENGINE STARTS

Oh, yes, have a good night.

ENGINE REVS

Oh...

I think we got away with that.

RINGING TONE

ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

Hi, Val, it's me.

I'm just checking you're still coming back tomorrow.

I've not heard from you in a couple of days.

I'm sorry about what happened the other night.

It was a stupid thing to do.

I overreacted.

Anyway, it's all cleaned up now,

so I look forward to seeing you later.

There's still some of that horrible cauliflower quiche

in the freezer, if you fancy that?

Anyway, I'll see you soon.

I love you.

VACUUM CLEANER WHIRS

ENGINE STOPS

CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

I'm glad you're taking such an interest in my every movement,

- Kenny, thanks for that. - Eh?

You know what I'm talking about.

I've just had a visit from a community police officer

- at my place of work. - What's that got to do with me?!

Don't come the innocent! I know full well it was you!

And I'm here to tell you that it stops now!

Give over! What you playing at?

Er, excuse me, Damon,

you don't get to speak to my husband like that!

- He's got a pacemaker. - Oh, has he?

Yes, and he can't be around any stressful situations.

Well, you just keep your nose out of my business, then!

Ah, Sheila, don't...

Listen, Damon, I don't know what you think's been going on here...

You're always making up excuses to come round and spy on us.

- What?! - "Ooh, have you got a recipe for banana bread?

"Can we check the water pressure in your bathroom?"

Yeah, that's just because I wanted to compare -

we only get a dribble.

And I know you've been creeping round every time I go out.

- I beg your pardon?! - I've got divots in my back garden

from your heels, Sheila!

It should be me calling the police on you!

What's with this shouting? Is everything all right?

He's gone round the twist!

He's accusing us of all sorts here!

Says we've been spying on him.

- Well, I haven't. - Oh, don't bother, Larry.

I know you're their third wheel.

They don't know where I work. You do.

And where's Valerie in all this?

We'd like to hear her side of the story.

She's up my arse, second shelf on the right.

Oh, that's disgusting!

There's no need for crude language!

I knew you'd be trouble the second you moved in.

Those gnomes showing their bottoms - that was enough.

Fuck off!

Hey, hey, come on!

We're not savages!

- Leave him, Ken, he's not worth it. - Just get off my property.

And you keep to your own side of the street from now on.

Don't worry, we will.

We're just concerned, that's all.

Val's such a lovely lady, it's not like her to disappear

- like that without a trace. - It's none of your fucking business.

And you make any more accusations against me,

Larry, and I promise you, you'll regret it,

do you hear me?

DOOR OPENS

DOOR SLAMS

Oh, come on, boy, where are you?

Popcorn!

CASTORS RUMBLE ON GROUND

KEYS JANGLE

DOOR OPENS

VAL SIGHS

VAL: Oh, great...

CLATTERING

Oh, hiya, Larry, you're up late.

I've been looking for Popcorn.

- You're back? - Yeah.

I'm away a week, and the place is a tip.

Where've you been?

Oh, just at my sister's in Halifax.

- Damon and I had a stupid row about a futon. - A futon?

Yeah. He got pissed and he spilt red wine all over it,

and then he pushed it down the stairs and it broke.

Dickhead ended up chopping it up with a chainsaw.

- Oh, we thought... - What?

Er, nothing.

So, what's happened to Popcorn?

Oh, he's ran off.

He found a way to get out of the garden under the hedge.

He usually comes back.

I'm getting a bit worried now.

I'm sure he'll show up.

BOTTLES CLINK

- I hope so. - Erm...

You've had no more problems with foxes, then?

Oh, no, fingers crossed.

- Open this up for me, would you, please? - Oh...

Oh, my God.

Popcorn.

What's happened? What's he doing in there?

It was you. You poisoned him.

What? No, I'd never do that!

You said you would.

Poisoned him and dumped him in a dustbin.

Of course I didn't!

Let me go and call Damon.

Hi, Damon, I'm back.

I need you to call me as soon as you get this, please.

Something awful's happened. All right, speak soon. Bye.

Oh, Larry, wait outside, would you, love?

What are you...?

SHE SCREAMS, WHACK

No!

WHACK

LOUD THUD

BRICK FALLS TO FLOOR

DOOR CLOSES

POLICE RADIO CHATTER

SIREN IN DISTANCE

Yeah, are you getting all this?!

You happy now?

I didn't do it!

HELICOPTER WHIRS

Yeah, I'm looking at you!

You're never going to get your Tupperware back now,

are you, Sheila?!

You dozy...

SIREN BLARES

I mean, to be honest, we've been suspicious of him

since he came here, haven't we, Ken?

Oh, yeah. Well, they were into Satanism, witchcraft,

all that type of thing.

Wouldn't surprise me if they were devil worshippers.

Hanging skeletons and whatnot in the garden, lighting candles.

Although, to be fair, that was just at Halloween, so...

Yeah, well, there's no smoke without fire.

And you saw him dragging her body out and putting it in

- the boot of his car, didn't you? - Yes. - Yes. - Yeah.

Granted, it was a week before he actually killed her,

but, well, we think it was a trial run, don't we?

Yeah. Definitely. Yeah.

- You've been very helpful. Thanks. - Of course.

Can I just ask?

Do you think they might do a Netflix on it?

Mulberry Close Murders.

We think it'd make a very good three-parter.

And if you need anyone to do the voice-overs,

we know Michael Ball a little bit.

- POLICEMAN: - Fucking hell.

Do we know if anyone's checked the door cam footage yet?

CAR DOOR CLOSES

ENGINE STARTS

GEARS CRUNCH

POPCORN BARKS

LOUD THUD, POPCORN YELPS

Oh, for God's sake.

SHE SIGHS

DRAMATIC DRUMBEAT

NARRATOR: And it was at this point that detectives knew

they'd blown the case wide open.

I'm Michael Ball, and this...

..is The Mulberry Close Murders.

TENSE THEME MUSIC PLAYS