Original subtitles

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- [Dad] How'd it feel to be a college graduate, Son?

- [Herman] Actually, Dad, it doesn't feel much different.

- [Dad] Well, give it time, Son.

The real world can be a pretty scary place at first.

When do you have to be outta the dorm?

- I think we've got until Monday.

I should be able to find a temporary place by then.

- [Dad] Well, good luck, Son. Bye.

- Dad? Hello?

- Herman, you know you gotta be outta here

by five o'clock, right?

- I thought we had until Monday.

- They changed it, man. Wasn't me.

(phone ringing)

- [Dad] Hi, folks. This is the Schumachers.

Say, the Missus and I are outta town

on a three-month cruise in the Bahamas.

Boy, I tell you, we sure we wish we could stay and chat.

(knocking on door)

- Hey, they changed it.

You gotta be outta here in 12 minutes. Wasn't me.

- What?

(Dad laughing)

(gentle guitar music)

(vehicle approaching)

- Need a ride into the city?

- You gonna pass through Bloomington?

- It's on the way.

- Name's Hugo.

- Herman Schumacher.

- So, Herman Schumacher. Got any hobbies?

- Not really. You?

- Ah, just picking up strangers and murdering them.

(laughing)

Gotta have a sense of humor.

Say, do you go to that college back there?

- Yeah, just graduated, world history.

- I went to college once.

Well, in the sense that I drove to college once

to pick up a girl, to murder.

(laughing)

I'm just fucking with you.

Double major, comparative lit and economics.

Say, I'm getting real dizzy.

I get really dizzy when I haven't murdered

a hitchhiker in a while.

Oh.

(laughing)

I only get dizzy when I'm having a stroke, like right now.

- Oh, hey, ho.

(laughing)

- I was fucking with you.

No, I only get real dizzy when I ...

(birds chirping)

So, Herman, what's waiting for you in Bloomington?

- Well I've got a friend there I can stay with, hopefully.

- Just graduated, huh?

I guess that brings up the all-important question.

What next?

- Well, I'm hoping to find a job in my field.

- What, world history?

- Yeah.

- Well, I'm an architect with BECTech

Global Systems Incorporated.

I don't know if I'm a big enough wig to pull any strings

for you, but if you're ever in a pinch, I know we're always

looking for smart young graduates like yourself.

To murder (laughs).

I'm just fucking with you.

No, seriously though, about the job.

- Oh, thanks.

(gentle guitar music)

Thanks so much for the ride.

- Hey, no problem.

- I'll just go around back and get my stuff.

- Okay.

(gentle guitar music)

- Hey! Hey, you're driving away with all of my stuff.

Oh.

- Herman Schumacher? Dude, what are you doing here?

- Hey, I'm outta school now, graduated.

- Entering the real world, like me, huh?

- Yeah, listen, I need a place to crash for just like

a week or so until I can find another place.

- Ooh, normally that would be totally cool,

but I don't think my wife would be too jiggy with the idea.

- Your what?

- My wife.

- Huh?

- Yeah, dude, I'm getting married tomorrow.

You don't know her.

- Why didn't you invite me to your wedding?

- Susan hates you.

- We've never met.

- That's because she hates you.

- What is Herman doing here?

(punch striking)

- I don't ever wanna see you here again, you bastard.

Thanks for playing along, dude.

I can't talk to you ever again. Sorry.

Nice seeing you, though.

- What?

Huh.

(gentle guitar music)

What am I gonna do?

Roommate wanted.

Large house. Friendly environment.

Ow!

- Oh my God, are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Mark, apologize to the nice man.

- Ow!

- Mark!

God, I'm sorry. He can be really difficult sometimes.

- Babysitting?

- Feels like it.

Actually, that's just my little brother, Mark.

- Hi, I'm Carrie Mirvis. What's your name?

- Herman Schumacher.

- It's nice to meet you, Herman.

So, uh, what do you do?

- I guess I'm a world historian.

- Wow, that's really cool.

You know, I've always been fascinated by world history.

- Really?

- Yeah, yeah, here, let me give you my number.

And you can call me like tomorrow.

No, Saturday, between like one and three.

You can tell me about world history.

- Okay, I'll do that.

- Here you go. It was nice meeting you, Herman.

- Nice to meet you.

(gentle guitar music)

(doorbell ringing)

- Coming.

Hold on.

Hello.

- Hi, I'm Herman Schumacher.

The flyer said you were looking for a roommate.

- Oh, yeah, it sure did.

Hi, I'm Blaine, come on in.

So, Schumann, you a student?

- Schumacher. Just graduated, world history.

- Oh, I graduated two years myself.

Double major in political science

and comparative literature.

Well, here's your room.

- You mean I got it?

- Yeah, I won't lie to you.

We're kinda desperate for the rent right now,

so, make yourself at home and I'll introduce you

to the rest of the guys a little later.

- All right.

(soft music)

What the hell?

(soft music)

Who are you?

Huh.

(soft music)

(guitar playing in room)

(singing indistinctly)

Oh, excuse me.

- You the new roommate?

- Yeah, Herman Schumacher.

- Alan Bryan. It's about time we got another roommate.

- You have a lot of instruments.

- Yeah, well, I am studying music theory.

Double major with comparative lit.

- Oh, you'll have to play something for me sometime.

- All right.

(guitar playing)

- You know what the deal is with my room?

Alan?

Hey, Blaine.

- Oh hey, Herman. Everything okay with your room?

Did you meet Alan?

- Yeah, I was just wondering--

- Oh, I gotta introduce you to Icky.

Hey, Icky, get over here.

- I was just wondering--

- Oh, and the fifth guy, Damon, he's at work,

so you can meet him when he gets back.

Icky!

- It's about my room. There's a lotta stuff in it.

Seems like somebody lives there?

- Yeah, that's Thaddeus.

He disappeared about five months ago.

- That's terrible.

- These things happen. This is Icky.

- Oh, nice to meet you.

(coughing)

(coughing)

- Did you ask him about the funeral?

- Huh?

- Look, Schubert, here's the thing.

Thaddeus' mom wants us to pay for an empty-casket funeral.

Now, personally, I don't think he's dead,

but she just won't shut up, so, you in?

- Well how much is this gonna cost? I don't have a job yet.

- Well you better get one soon. Rent's due in a week.

(phone beeping)

(phone ringing)

- [Receptionist] Hello, BECTech Global Systems Incorporated.

How may I direct your call?

- I'm looking for a job.

- [Receptionist] I'll transfer you to Personnel.

One moment please.

(Receptionist imitating hold music)

- [Man] Hello, Personnel.

- Hi, I'm looking for a job.

- [Man] Uh-huh. Do you have a BA in world history?

- Yeah. Yeah, I do.

- [Man] Uh-huh, we have a position we'd like

to fill with a world historian.

- Well, that's great.

- [Man] Can you start this Friday?

- Tomorrow? Yeah, sure.

- [Man] Super. Wear a tie.

I'll give you the company's address.

♪ I've got a job, I've got a job ♪

♪ I've got a job ♪

♪ I got a job ♪

- I'm gonna need some clothes.

Hm.

(machine humming)

♪ She broke my heart in two ♪

♪ No Super Glue can put-- ♪

- Oh.

Hi, Herman. How's it going?

- Good. Thought maybe you'd play me a song.

- What do you wanna hear?

- Got any originals?

- You wanna hear them?

- Sure, I'd like to hear anything you wrote.

- Really?

O, okay.

♪ Why do birds sing to me ♪

- Oh my God.

That's so good.

- Really?

- Yup.

- Hi, Herman.

- Hey, Icky. Where's Blaine?

- Out in his garden.

(soft music)

- Hey, what are those signs?

- Huh?

- Thaddeus, that's the missing guy, right?

What are those other names?

- Oh, Thaddeus isn't the first roommate to go missing.

I was the one who replaced Dicky when he disappeared.

I think Alan replaced James,

and Thaddeus replaced Ted, who went missing nine months ago.

- So, what are the signs for?

- I don't know.

- Well, who put them there?

- Clearly, someone did.

(mysterious music)

(gentle guitar music)

(humming)

- Ugh!

You scared me.

- You must be Herman. Hi, I'm Damon.

- Nice to meet you.

- You should be more careful. You almost dropped something.

I should warn you now. It's a little pet peeve of mine.

I don't like it when people leave their

clothes lying around.

It really, really

really bothers me.

It's just so inconsiderate.

- Okay, well, bedtime for me.

- On the flip side, Hermie (clicks tongue).

- Hm, Hermie.

- [Dad] You can leave us a message if you want,

but it won't do you much good (laughs).

- Hey, Dad, life in the real world is great.

Been outta college for like nine hours,

and I've already got a job and a place to live,

and my roommates are really nice,

especially this one guy, Damon.

He calls me Hermie.

I have to pitch in for this other guy's funeral, though.

Which is kinda weird, but it's still cool,

because I stole all his stuff.

Plus, I start my job tomorrow.

I guess I'll keep you updated,

but, on the flip side.

Hm. Lost a sock.

(dreamy music)

(drums pounding)

- Hi, Herman.

- Getting started kinda early, aren't you?

- I just invented a whole new kinda drumbeat

using my music theory, wanna know what the song's called?

The Herman.

I'm turning it into a symphony. You inspired me, dude.

- Cool.

(drums pounding)

(drumming continues)

Oh.

Thanks, Thaddeus.

(birds chirping)

- How far is this place?

- Oh, it's not too far. Oh, my name's Bart.

- Nice to meet you.

- Yeah, I usually bring a book with me,

but I forgot today.

We could do something to pass the time.

You know, like charades, trivia, make out.

- Uh, no thanks.

- That's okay.

I didn't really wanna make out with you anyway.

Maybe on the ride back?

- Schumacher? The world historian?

- Yeah.

- Come with me.

(gentle guitar music)

All right, Schumacher.

You can take over on Larry's hole here.

We had to let him go because he forgot his tie.

- I'm supposed to dig?

- Do a super job, Schumacher.

- Hey, man, why don't you start digging?

You're making us look bad, Four Eyes.

(gentle guitar music)

- Hey, are all you guys world historians?

- Well, obviously. Dumb monkey head.

- Herman? Herman Schumacher?

It's me. It's Hugo.

- Oh hey. Hey, you stole all my stuff.

- Wow, I didn't think you were gonna be

working here this fast.

Hey, you wanna buy an engraved pen?

- That's my pen.

- Well it could be yours for $10.

- It says Herman Schumacher on it.

- I know, that's why I'm giving you such a great deal on it.

- No, you stole all my stuff.

- You left it with me.

- You drove off.

- With all your stuff.

- Exactly.

- What? - Huh?

- Look, I don't have all day. Last chance, 10 bucks.

- No.

- I'll take it.

- Sold.

- That's my pen.

- Maybe I'd have bought it for you

if you made out with me, Sugar Buns.

- Whew.

(phone beeping)

(phone ringing)

- [Carrie's Mother] Hello.

- Hi, is Carrie there?

- [Carrie's Mother] Oh, yeah, hold on.

Hey, Carrie, telephone.

- [Carrie] Hello.

- Hi, Carrie, it's Herman. Do you remember me?

- [Carrie] Didn't I tell you to call tomorrow

between one and three?

- I'm sorry. Is that a big deal?

- [Carrie] No, it's just when my parents are gone.

I'm sorry, I'm just a little embarrassed

to be living at home.

- That's all right.

If it were at all feasible,

I would still live with my parents.

- [Carrie] Well, as long as we're on the phone talking,

are we going out tonight?

- I guess, but I don't have a car. Do you?

- [Carrie] Oh God, my parents would never

let me take the car.

- Well, I'm sure I can take one of my roommates' cars.

- Yeah, you can take Thaddeus' car.

- He left his car? Are you sure he just ran off?

- Well I assume he joined the same cult

as Dicky, Ted and James.

- Oh, so you know they joined the cult?

- I assume.

- Whatever, where are the keys?

- I think they're still in that

bloody pair of pants in the garage.

- Ew.

(machine humming)

Oh, hi ya, Miss Sock.

I guess not.

(mysterious music)

Hello?

Damon?

- What's up, Hermie?

- Are there any animals in this house,

like a cat or a trapped raccoon or something?

Because I swear, some kind animal just ran off with a sock.

- No pets.

If there was a trapped raccoon, as long as it keeps

picking up clothing, it's okay in my book.

Because you remember how I feel about

clothing lying around, right, Hermie?

- I'm on top of it.

(tongue clicking)

- I know a lot about world history.

Oh yeah.

- Dude. Do not use my comb.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Whatever. Get your own comb, tit.

- Ow.

Yeah. You're the man, Herman.

- Hey, Herman, come on in.

I'm not quite ready yet, but you can,

you can just kinda hang out with my little brother, Mark.

Hey, Mark! Mark, come say hi to Herman.

- Ow! Ah!

- Be nice.

- All right, now listen--

Ow! Ow, ow!

Ow! I am warning you, Mis--

Ow.

Now I'm gonna sit in this chair over here.

Ah!

(dramatic music)

(screaming)

- It's on, buttface!

- You're the one with the buttface, buttface!

(screaming)

Oh.

(moaning)

Are you okay?

(screaming)

(groaning)

I'm blind.

Where are you? You little bastard.

Oh!

(groaning)

(dramatic music)

(groaning)

- Herman!

- He started it.

- I'm really sorry about Mark.

- Oh, it's okay. They're just my eyes.

- Is this blood on your dashboard?

- It's not my car.

So, I'm thinking maybe we'll see a movie.

Then I know this nice little Italian restaurant.

- I was thinking we could just have sex.

- I understand.

(upbeat music)

Would you care for a drink?

- Where's your room?

So tell me more about world history.

- Well, in the 20 years after the death of Mohammed

in 632 AD, the Muslim armies of the first four caliphs

conquered Persia, Syria and parts of Iraq.

- God, that's so hot! Okay, now, come on.

Now now now.

- Shouldn't we use protection?

Shouldn't we at least shut the door?

- No!

Yeah!

Whew! That was some good sex.

Even if you blacked out there for a while.

(moaning)

Yeah, well, I gotta go home.

(drums beating)

What's that noise?

- Oh, that's my roommate Alan. Isn't that annoying?

(drum music)

- Oh, hi there.

- Don't stop because of me. I was just listening.

So, what are you playing?

- I'm composing a revolutionary new symphony

that bends all the rules of music theory.

- Ooh, wow, you know, I've always been

fascinated by music theory.

- Really?

- Oh, hey, Alan.

Carrie, this is Alan. Alan, this is Carrie.

- I'm his girlfriend.

- Oh, nice to meet you.

- Well, I'm sure we will be seeing a lot of each other.

Come on, Herman.

- Hm, girlfriend.

(soft xylophone music)

- I understand why you left.

(soft xylophone music)

- Oh, Herman. Did you hear that?

It's called Herman and His Girlfriend Carrie.

It's the romantic second movement

to my Herman Schumacher symphony.

- Yeah. Listen.

Alan.

- Chartreuse.

- Huh?

- I changed my name to the creative signature Chartreuse.

- Okay, Chartreuse.

I was thinking that maybe, like, just in the mornings

at least, maybe you could keep it down a little.

Because it's hard to sleep.

Alan?

- Asshole!

Who do you think you are to question me,

the Great Chartreuse?

Get out! Out!

- Guess I should get ready for work.

Hey, guys.

- Morning, Herman.

- Hey, Schuler.

- Schumacher.

Hey, doesn't it kinda piss you off when Alan

plays his music so loud?

- Actually, I hadn't even noticed that Chartreuse

played any music until you moved in.

Chartreuse says you inspired Chartreuse.

- But, isn't it awful annoying and inconsiderate?

- You know what I find annoying and inconsiderate?

When someone uses my comb.

- Besides, we don't wanna stifle Chartreuse's creativity.

- I can't even hear myself think.

- I find it hard to think when someone uses my comb, A-hole!

- Never mind.

- Hey, I'll let you have this shirt for 20 bucks.

- That's my shirt.

- 10 bucks.

- I'll take it. - Sold.

- That's not a word.

- Blaine, is

(speaks gibberish) a word?

- Who used it?

- Me.

- Yes.

- I'm going out.

- Do you mind if I tag along?

- Sure. Why not?

(light music)

- Hey, Hermie, how you liking the house?

- Pretty good. I've been meaning to ask you, though.

What's the deal with the signs in the backyard?

- You know, to be honest,

I don't get to the backyard that often.

- [Herman] So, what exactly are we doing?

- [Damon] Oh, we're just getting some exercise.

- [Herman] I get a lotta exercise at my job.

- [Damon] Really? What do you do?

- [Herman] I dig a hole, I guess.

- Ah, world historian, I see.

You know, I thought about majoring in that in college.

But instead I got a double major

in physics and comparative lit.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

(light music)

Herman?

Do you need to go to the bathroom?

- Yeah, kinda.

- About how long will that take you?

- Like a minute.

- Okay, got it.

Go ahead.

(upbeat light music)

(screaming)

(toilet flushing)

Ooh, look at me. I'm jogging by, now I'm gonna stretch.

Stretch.

(upbeat light music)

Oh, man.

(upbeat light music)

(screaming)

- On the flip side.

(screaming)

(groaning)

- Took you long enough.

- Sorry.

- It's okay.

Let's go home.

- Super job there, Schumacher.

- Thanks, I have a question, though.

Why are we digging holes?

- Because we work for BECTech Global Systems Incorporated.

(cheering)

- Well, are we gonna put anything in the holes?

- No, we're not gonna put anything in the holes.

If we did that, then they wouldn't be holes anymore.

Now we got a large order of holes this month,

and except for Schumacher, all you are working way too slow.

Super job there, Schumacher.

(shovel scraping)

- I don't like the way you dig.

- Excuse me.

- I don't like the way you dig, man.

You're making us look bad.

- Well maybe you should try digging a little faster.

- Don't like the way you dig, bitch ass.

Hole, I'll dig you a hole.

Holes dig all the time.

(crickets chirping)

- Oh, I'm bored. Hey, let's do it.

- I'm busy.

- Oh, come on, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!

- Take it easy. I need to finish my laundry.

- Hey, tell me more about world history.

- Aren't you interested in anything

other than world history?

- I like Pokemon.

You know that Japanese--

- I know what it is.

- I'm bored. God, you're boring a hole in my sk--

- Look, could you go ask Alan, or Chartreuse,

to play you a song or something?

(piano music)

(banging on piano)

- Hey, Chartreuse.

- Hi, Carrie.

- Hey, why don't you tell me a little bit

more about music theory?

(banging)

- [Carrie] Oh, yes, woo!

Oh God, uh-huh!

Ooh.

Oh yes, my ...

In my ...

(Carrie applauding)

- Carrie, is everything all right?

- Just fine, sweetie.

- What were you guys doing?

- He was just playing me his symphony.

- I've lengthened the title to the Herman Schumacher

Is a Fucking Asshole Symphony in D Minor.

- I didn't hear any music.

- It was intermission.

- [Carrie] Oh, I love having sex with you, Chartreuse!

- [Alan] What about Herman?

- He'll never find out. Woo-hoo!

Take me home.

- Can't you ...

What happened to you?

- What are you doing?

- I'm trying to catch the thing

that's been stealing my socks.

You look over there.

- I have a curfew, you know.

- Fine.

- Listen, Herman. - Yeah, on the flip side.

♪ And then I had sex with Herman's girlfriend ♪

- Oh, hi, Herman.

- Hey, have you heard any of the Herman Schultz

Is a Fucking Asshole Symphony?

- Schumacher.

- In D Minor.

- It's fabulous. - Yeah.

- What's with the stupid getup?

- Clearly, you know nothing about fashion, stink wanker.

This is the sort of cutting-edge garb

that Chartreuse would wear.

Alan's wardrobe was so, blah.

- I guess.

- Alan Bryan is dead anyway.

There is only Chartreuse now.

- Well I should tell you that you look like shit.

- How dare you (cries)?

- Chartreuse, come back!

- Way to go.

Why didn't you just use his comb

while you were at it, A-hole?

(sighing)

- Hm.

Do we have any rope?

- Hah?

- I'm coming for you, oh yeah. I'm gonna get you.

I know you're out there.

(yawning)

(mysterious music)

(sighing)

- Icky, where's Alan?

- Chartreuse is up in his room.

- Thank you, Icky.

(Alan whimpering)

Time to die, Alan.

- My name is Chartreuse.

(Damon screaming)

- Free sock. Come and get it, you little bastard.

Look at it. It's so delicious, it's socktastic.

- Hey, Hermie. - Oh, hey, Damon.

- Sock, sock, sock.

- What you up to?

- Trying to catch the thing that's been stealing my socks.

What's up with you?

- Just cleaning up.

- Come and feel the joy of socks.

- You're not gonna leave that sock on the ground, are you?

- Oh, don't worry. I'm all over it.

It's bait.

- That's okay then.

Good luck.

- Thanks.

- On the flip side, Hermie (clicks tongue).

- On the flip side.

(Herman snoring)

(light mysterious music)

(banging)

Gee, I guess nothing is here.

I better just go upstairs.

(monster squealing)

(screaming)

(light mysterious music)

- Morning, Herman.

(light mysterious music)

- So, yeah, I won't be in to work today. I'm real sick.

(coughing)

Yeah, you hear that? I'll probably be in tomorrow, bye.

- So, if there is a monkey in our basement,

why don't we call the police?

- Because, Icky, that thing has my socks.

(bell music)

Icky, how far back does this go?

- I don't know.

- Here, hold this.

(light music)

Ah!

- Herman?

- Icky.

(Icky moaning)

(light music)

(machine humming)

Hello?

(footsteps advancing)

Ow, gosh!

What the hell?

(light music)

(gentle music)

- There you are. Did you catch it?

- Icky, who put that Chartreuse sign out there?

- I don't know.

Maybe Chartreuse did.

- Wait, sh, sh.

Something's different.

The house.

It's quiet.

Alan?

Oh, there you are. Have you seen Alan?

- Uh, he moved out.

- Without taking his instruments or his sheet music?

- Well he's not here, is he?

- Well where did he go?

- I assume he joined a cult.

Here, we need to get these out ASAP.

(mysterious music)

- Are you okay?

- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

- Mm, do you think Chartreuse is gonna mind

that we're gonna use his room for dirty, dirty sex?

- No, I think Chartreuse is dead.

- What?

- Ooh.

There he is.

- Who, Chartreuse?

- No, Blaine. Chartreuse is dead.

- [Carrie] He's dead?

- I think Blaine buried Chartreuse in the backyard.

I've gotta get a look at that garden.

- Oh, Chartreuse.

Now all I have to remember him by is all that sex.

- So what I'm thinking is ...

Wait, what?

- Huh?

- Ooh, now's our chance.

You distract Blaine, and I will go out back

and dig up Chartreuse's corpse.

- Oh, Chartreuse.

(water running)

Uh, hi, Blaine.

- Oh, hi, Carrie.

- What you doing?

- Just washing my hands.

I got some dirt on them pulling weeds in my garden.

- Oh yeah?

You know, I've always been fascinated by gardening.

- Really?

(light music)

(groaning)

- So what you doing, Hermie?

- Oh, Damon. Thought you might be Blaine.

- Well it's me. So what are you doing?

- All right, you should be in on this too.

I think Blaine may be a serial killer.

I think he killed Chartreuse, and these other dudes.

And I think these are the graves.

- But I put these signs here.

- Eh?

- It's not what you're thinking.

I get very attached to my roommates,

and so I put these signs here to remind me of them

every time I look out the window.

So you see it's simple. Blaine's no murderer.

Now don't you feel silly?

- Yeah. Boy, do I ...

But didn't you say that--

- Let's go inside, and never try

and dig holes here ever again.

- Oh hi, honey. Where's your shirt?

- I didn't find Blaine.

- What?

- Hermie, I just thought of a logical excuse as to why

all the dirt around the graves, the things, is so loose.

Oh, hi, Blaine.

It's because I had to loosen it

to put in the friendly signs.

- Carrie,

I wanna ask you something.

- I told you, I couldn't find Blaine.

- About Blaine.

Were you and him doing

something?

- Oh my God.

Oh my God, Herman, I can't believe, I cannot ...

I can't believe this.

I mean, you know I love you and only you

and it's always been only, and I love just only you.

It's just you.

- I'm sorry, Carrie. I'm such a jerk.

I shouldn't have said anything.

Is there any way I could make this up to you?

- Get me something expensive.

- Uh, okay.

I've never said this to anyone before, but

I love you, Carrie.

- I love you too, Blaine.

Herman.

(thunder rumbling)

(knocking on door)

- Look, Zach, I know you're not supposed to talk to me,

but some really crazy stuff's been going on.

- Herman, my life is falling apart.

- What?

- Marriage is killing me.

(punch striking)

(moaning)

- I wanged my thing on the deal.

- And work's driving me crazy too.

My job is such a dead end.

I knew I should have majored in comparative lit.

English lit, what was I thinking?

I can't take it anymore.

You have to help me kill Susan.

- What?

- Zach, what is Herman Schumacher doing here?

- He's trying to get me to kill you.

- Ah!

- Way to go, dude. You fooled her.

Now you can kill her three weeks from Thursday

when I'm at work establishing my alibi.

- I won't kill your wife.

- Why not?

- Here, bludgeon him with this.

I'll call a friend.

(phone beeping)

- And never come back.

(groaning)

- Thanks.

(monster squealing)

Oh.

- Oh, Hermie. What are you doing tomorrow night?

- Nothing. Why?

- You have a beautiful apartment.

- Thank you.

- Do you think the two of you could

entertain yourselves for a little bit.

We got a little business to take care of.

Let's go. Come on.

- Oh.

- Punch me in the face.

- What?

- Come on, it's sexual. Punch me.

Really, come on, punch me. Come on, pussy.

Hit me, come on. Hit me, come on.

- Ow.

Stop it. Ow!

- Come on, punch me in the face.

- Hey, guys. Let's beat it.

- Where's your date?

- She left.

- I didn't see her leave.

- That's because she's in bed, sleeping.

Now let's go.

- Okay.

- Oh.

- Oh no, Hermie.

I forgot my wallet at my date's house.

Could you hand me that garbage bag and a sack of lime?

Oh, and the hacksaw too.

- Sure thing.

- Thanks, Hermie (clicks tongue).

- There you are, Shuttlesworth.

- Schumacher.

- Can I talk to you upstairs.

- Uh, okay.

I'll be right back.

- Yeah, whatever.

So why are you so sick all the time?

- Um, I think it's bronchitis.

- Oh yeah?

You know, I've always been fascinated by bronchitis.

- Really?

- What did I tell you about using my comb?

- I didn't use your stupid comb.

- And I suppose this isn't your hair.

- It's not.

- You have the longest hair of anyone in the house.

- Look, I have my own comb.

Where's my Thaddeus comb?

- Whatever. You're so dead, sphincter.

I'm going to murder you.

- God, ew.

(humming)

(squealing)

You son of a bitch!

Come back here, so I can kill you.

(upbeat music)

Where'd he go?

- We tripped.

(monster squealing)

- Boy, this sure is a good TV program.

- Yep.

(upbeat music)

(monster squealing)

- I want my socks back!

(upbeat music)

(music stops)

- Have you seen Blaine?

- Not since he left last night.

When he was muttering something about killing you.

- I once again think that Blaine killed those people.

I know that you say you put the friendly reminder signs

there yourself, but ...

But what if, coincidentally, Blaine's been burying

his victims underneath your signs?

- Blaine wouldn't do that.

And I certainly don't think you should dig up the corpses.

Uh, because they're not there.

- I have to try.

I'm gonna do it right now. I'll just go get my shoes.

- Good luck.

- My shovel seems to have broken in several pieces.

- Weird.

I guess there'll be no digging for you.

- Well, I do dig holes for a living.

I bet I can borrow a shovel from work. See ya.

- So, Herman Schumacher, the game begins.

(monster humming)

- Who's there? Damon?

(monster squealing)

Doesn't sound like Damon.

You! My clothes!

(groaning)

- And this is the newest hole I've designed.

It's ergonometric.

It's very nice.

- Hey, that's my trapper.

- 10 bucks.

- Where's your tie?

- You see, all of my ties were stolen by this mon ...

I lost all my ties, all right?

- Now you do know, this job requires a tie?

- But I'm digging a hole.

- You're digging a hole for BECTech

Global Systems Incorporated.

(cheering)

Now, Schumacher, because you're such a super worker,

I'm gonna do you a favor and I'm not

gonna fire you this time.

However, I do catch you around her without a tie

again, you're outta here, buddy.

- Can I at least borrow this shovel?

- No.

(laughing)

(sighing)

- Aha! E, Herman, where's your shovel?

- They wouldn't give me one.

I guess I'll just have to dig with my hands.

- Hey, Damon. Oh, hey, fuck face.

I hope you're happy.

I was out all night replacing that comb you soiled.

- Yeah, whatever, weirdo. On the flip side, Damon.

(tongue clicking)

- Next time, Schumacher, next time.

♪ If I can do it, anybody can ♪

♪ If I can do it, anybody can ♪

- You know, I've always been fascinated by eating socks.

(monster mumbling)

(upbeat music)

♪ You are, you're better than this ♪

♪ You're better than this one ♪

♪ You're better than me ♪

♪ You're better than me ♪

♪ You can do it better than I can ♪

♪ You can do it better than I can ♪

- [Dad] Won't do you much good (laughs).

- Dad, one of my roommates may be a murderer.

I basically got fired from my job because of this

stupid monster that's stealing all my clothes,

and I'm beginning to suspect that my girlfriend

may be cheating on me.

♪ You are, you're better than this ♪

♪ You're better than this one ♪

♪ You're better than me ♪

♪ You're better than me ♪

- Hey, where's my sandwich?

(monster mumbling)

(squealing)

China?

And you used my calling card?

You stupid monster.

♪ So come on and you'll see ♪

♪ Exactly what I mean ♪

♪ You, you, you ♪

♪ You're better than this ♪

♪ You're better than this one ♪

♪ You're better than me ♪

♪ You're better than me ♪

(upbeat music)

(music stops)

(whimpering)

- Herman, what's wrong? You're boring me.

- Life is so cruel.

Sometimes I think I should just end it all.

- What do you have to complain about. Your life's fine.

- No.

My roommate is trying to kill me for using his comb.

My best friend got married and didn't

invite me to his wedding.

And I think I may have syphilis. I wonder how I got that.

Plus, I've lost my job because of this stupid monster

that's stealing all my clothes.

- Well, Herman, you really haven't been putting up

much of a fight with him, now have you?

- Stupid monster.

- Wuzzel, can you give us a minute alone please.

(sighing)

Love you, baby.

- What'd you just call him?

- Wuzzel.

His real name is Perkutzitwuzzel, but I call him Wuzzel.

It's like our cute little nickname thing.

He's a really nice monster, once you get to know him.

(moaning)

I know what will cheer you up.

We need to make a porn.

- I'd have to be so drunk.

- I hear there's a problem with your plumbing, ma'am.

- Well as long as you're here,

I might as well clean your pipes.

- Damn.

(doorbell ringing)

Someone else'll get it.

(whistling)

- Hello.

- Hey, somebody order a landscaper?

- Landscaper?

- Here to do some work on the garden.

- The garden, it's upstairs.

Come with me. I'll show you.

- Oh yeah, work it.

- Watch, I'm gonna ...

Ah!

- No, stop.

- You know, it's kinda weird

to keep your garden on the second floor.

Most people, they, they keep them outside nowadays.

Hello?

What the hell?

(screaming)

- You should have never gone into the landscaping business.

- Ow! Someone stabbed me in the back.

- Here, let me help you with that (screams).

- Oh!

(screaming)

Oh!

- Hey, stop stabbing me!

- Quit stabbing yourself. Quit stabbing yourself.

You never should have gone into--

- Oh, man.

(hard breathing)

(bones breaking)

- You never--

- Ow, my neck!

(punches striking)

- Carrie, stop. What are you doing anyway?

(Herman speaking indistinctly)

(moaning)

- Someone in there?

(Carrie screaming)

(screaming)

- Carrie, stop. Carrie.

- Why won't you die? Just die.

- I just wanted to work on your garden.

But there is no garden up here. You lied to me!

You son of a bitch! I trusted you!

(shrieking)

(pounding on door)

(landscaper shouting)

(Carrie moaning)

(light upbeat music)

- You never should have gone in to landscaping.

- [Herman] Ow, my God.

(monster grunting)

- God, you're worse than Icky.

I haven't seen Icky.

(dramatic music)

- Hey, Hermie. Did you order a landscaper?

- No.

- Good.

- Hey, has my landscaper showed up yet?

- No, why would you need a landscaper, Blaine?

- I'm gonna expand my garden,

and I have to dig up those signs, though.

- I don't think it's right for you to be

digging up our yard without consulting the rest of us first.

Right, Hermie? Wuzzel?

- What the hell is that thing?

- It's Herman's friend.

- Figures.

- He's not my friend.

I'm going to Carrie's.

Ow.

- See? You're outnumbered.

They'll be no digging up the garden.

- Whatever. It's my garden, I'll do what I want.

(upbeat music)

(exhaling)

(upbeat rock music)

(screaming)

- Blaine!

♪ I think I see it coming down ♪

♪ Must weigh 100,000 pounds ♪

♪ It's gonna crush me through the ground ♪

(laughing maniacally)

(screaming)

(laughing maniacally)

- So, what do you wanna do tonight?

I kinda need to unwind.

Let's go to a bar.

- I can't get into a bar.

- I thought you were 21.

- No, not yet.

- Well, let's see a movie. How about that new mob movie?

- What's it rated?

- R.

- I can't see that movie.

- Why not?

- Because they don't let 12-year-olds into R-rated movies.

- Huh?

- I like Pokemon. I can't get into a bar.

I like Pokemon. My parents would never let me take the car.

I like Pokemon. I have a curfew, you know.

I like Pokemon.

- Is something wrong?

- You're 12?

- Yeah, thought I told you that.

- How the hell old are you?

- I'm 12. We're twins.

- You said he was your younger brother.

- Yeah, he is, by like five minutes.

God, he's so immature.

Are you okay?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm fine.

(screaming)

- [Announcer] And now, the creator of the Howard Schumacher

is a Fucking Asshole Symphony, in D Minor,

the one, the only, Chartreuse.

(jazz music)

♪ You meet a cute little girl, and you take her home ♪

♪ She treats you real nice when you're all alone ♪

♪ But that chick sleep with your friends ♪

♪ But you're too stupid to see ♪

♪ You make her star in a porno movie ♪

♪ Well you're going to jail, that's right ♪

♪ You're now going, you're going up the river ♪

♪ Statutory rape, you aint getting out ♪

♪ You aint gonna escape ♪

♪ And if you think you got a chance in hell ♪

♪ Well think you aint got a prayer ♪

♪ Both you and I know what they do ♪

♪ To guys like you in there ♪

- Maybe I'll get away with it.

♪ Man, you aint got no hope ♪

♪ Just think of Chartreuse when you're dropping the soap ♪

♪ You asshole ♪

(jazz music)

- Hermie, you're being accused of statutory rape.

- But I didn't know.

- Lies, all lies.

Your honor, look at this sweet little girl.

This of-age A-hole took advantage of her.

Hear her testimonial.

- He made me appear in a porno.

- Busted! - Herman Schumacher, I sentence you

to one hour, of being murdered.

Get him.

(jazz music)

♪ It's over, you're going away ♪

♪ It's over, there aint nothing to say ♪

♪ When you do it with a 12-year-old, you've gotta pay ♪

♪ That's right, you're going away ♪

♪ Hey, watch it ♪

- [Carrie] He made me appear in a porno.

- I've gotta get that tape.

(moaning)

(dramatic music)

It was Damon.

- Nice video, Hermie.

Sex and violence. Two thumbs up.

Your butt.

- Blaine, help, I'm sorry about your comb!

- I'm afraid Blaine can't help you right now.

He's quite busy. Busy being dead.

- You lied to me.

- I must admit, you're the only enemy

who's ever been worthy of battle with me.

You've fought a good fight.

The way you'd eluded all of my death traps, ingenious.

- Huh?

- Now that we've established ourselves as equal rivals,

we should have a toast.

Here, drink this.

- I'm not drinking that.

- How did you know it was poisoned?

Damn, you're good, Schumacher.

Too good to not be dead.

(shrieking)

So you're not gonna just let me kill you. I like that.

We'll make a battle out of it.

- Actually, now that I'm standing by the door,

I was planning on just running to the police station.

- Maybe you would stay,

if you had something worth fighting for.

Oh, that's not it.

(laughing)

- We're gonna fight over a shirt?

- No, the owner of the shirt.

- Me? Is it my shirt?

- Does this look like your shirt?

Way too small, it's obviously a girl's shirt.

- I'm not really following you here.

Maybe, what?

- Your stupid girlfriend. It's her shirt.

Look, we broke up. I don't care about the shirt.

If she wants her shirt back, she can--

- Jesus.

I kidnapped her.

She came over to see you, and I kidnapped her.

You're so stupid.

- Oh.

You dick.

- Well, if you ever wanna see her again,

meet me in the backyard at four o'clock,

for a battle, to the death, death, death, death.

- And if I kill you, you'll tell me where she is?

- Agreed.

Now let's drink to that.

Here, drink this.

- No.

- You're good.

(gentle guitar music)

I always thought of you as a real cutup, Hermie.

(gentle guitar music)

I'm sorry you forced me to sever our friendship.

Your mother always told you not to run with scissors.

(shouting)

- Who the hell are these guys?

- These are my guys. They're gonna help me kill you.

- What? Hey, you didn't say anything--

(doorbell ringing)

You didn't say anything about extra guys.

- Aren't you gonna get that?

(doorbell ringing)

- Yeah, what?

Oh!

- Where's my sister?

- I think she's tied and gagged somewhere.

- Is this one of your guys? You know you only get two.

You should probably get someone a little bigger.

- He's not one of my guys.

- Oh. Okay.

- I guess you can come in if you want.

If I die, you'll probably never see your sister again.

So, what's the deal with these guys?

- We took dance lessons together.

- Hey, leave him alone.

(phone ringing)

- Aren't you gonna get that?

- Hello.

- [Zach] Herman, funny thing happened to me.

I got home from work today and I found my wife, not dead.

Where were you, dude?

- Zach, can you do me a big favor?

I need you to help me with a battle to the death, today.

- [Zach] A battle to the death? I don't know.

I'm supposed to help my friend Greg

with a battle to the death next week.

He'll be pissed if I die before then.

- But, if you don't help me, and I die,

then I'll never kill your wife.

- [Zach] That's a good point. I'll do it.

- Great, come on over. Bye.

- Nice weapon, gay.

- Don't make fun of my ho saw.

We do have coasters, you know?

Damon. Ah!

Damon?

- Oh, they're fine.

So, how's it going? My name's Damon.

Nice to meet you.

- Zach.

- I was wondering what your plan is tonight.

How are you gonna try and kill me.

- [Herman] Zach, don't talk to him.

(chattering on TV)

(bones breaking)

- This is an important package.

Oh, what happened to him?

- You said he wasn't one of your guys.

Anyone can kill him.

- What are we gonna do with the body?

- I'm gonna have to bury everyone else when I kill them.

I'll just bury him too.

- You jackass, that's mine!

(birds chirping)

- So you're still gonna kill my wife, right?

- Uh, yeah.

- So, you're still gonna kill my mom, right?

- Oh yeah.

Men, today we fight,

not for our own freedom,

but for the freedom of psychopathic

killers everywhere as well.

These two guys think that killing people is evil.

Today we will prove them wrong.

By killing them.

- Yeah! - Deal!

- Uh, Zach.

Our enemy is that guy, Damon.

He's a big stinky jerk.

- You stink! - Shut up.

- Hey, where's Carrie?

- Oh, she's somewhere safe,

if by safe I mean horribly dangerous.

- Hello!

Hey! I'm on the tracks, hello ho ho.

Somebody!

- Are you ready, ladies?

- Yeah.

- Well let's do it then.

- Wait wait, wait wait.

(screaming)

(groaning)

- Whoa, whoa, what the hell are you doing?

- What?

- No projectiles.

- You never said that. He had the crossbow the whole time.

- Thought he was gonna club me with it.

Haven't you done this before? Unwritten rules.

No eye gouging. No fish hooking.

No projectiles!

- Fine, from now on, no projectiles.

- Well can't I kill your guy now,

because my guy's already dead?

- What?

- No.

- Get up. I still need you.

- You gonna pull it out or something?

- Shut up.

(upbeat rock music)

(screaming)

♪ You better say something fast ♪

♪ Before any clash ♪

♪ I'm losing control ♪

♪ I'm losing control ♪

- Ah, you fight like a girl.

- Oh yeah?

(groaning)

♪ Never again, my almost friend ♪

♪ The message is here ♪

- Gary.

♪ It's loud and it's clear ♪

(shouting)

- You like it? You want a little, oh!

(laughing maniacally)

Look, I'm pointing at something.

- Wait a minute.

Damon!

♪ Never again, my so-called friend ♪

- Zach, are you hurt?

- Yeah, dude, you're gonna have to help me pull this out.

- All right.

(groaning)

- Oh, now I'm bleeding worse.

Quick put it back in, put it back in.

In the same spot, you idiot. Now I'm stabbed twice.

Quick, apply pressure.

To the wound, not to the stick. Are you an idiot?

- I don't know what I'm doing.

- Oh.

- Are you gonna make it?

- No, dude. I'm a goner.

But you have to promise me one thing.

If I die here today, you have to kill my wife.

I hate that bitch.

- You'll have to excuse me, old buddy.

I have some ass to kick.

(suspenseful music)

(groaning)

- Yes!

(groaning)

- Who's weapon is gay now?

(weapon sawing)

(body thudding)

(suspenseful music)

Ha!

(suspenseful music)

(birds chirping)

Damon, you in here?

- [Damon] Ooh, I need a weapon to kill Damon.

- Oh yeah, well, I don't need my ho saw to kill you.

- [Damon] Crap, you suck.

- Ha!

Oh.

(birds chirping)

(monster mumbling)

Hey, my socks.

(monster squealing)

Oh yeah, like I'm gonna fall for that.

(screaming)

(groaning)

(groaning)

- Wait!

(groaning)

- Oh, my nads.

(suspenseful music)

- Stop it.

- That almost hit me.

- Ow.

Stop it.

- Ha.

- You tied her to the train tracks?

- Yes, and she's still alive, so I guess you're lucky.

Not really, these tracks have been outta use for years.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Man, I shoulda checked into that.

I always to do that, you know, like when I'm just killing

a guy, I'm great at that,

I'm like one of the best in my field.

But when I go for the super villain sorta stuff,

I don't check everything through and I just mess

everything up every time.

- It's okay, dude.

- The train isn't gonna come.

(groaning)

- Oh, Herman.

- Yeah, I need to tell you something.

We had a big battle, and Damon killed your brother.

- What?

No, where is the little bastard?

- Oh, he's right over here.

Huh. Well, I guess he musta run off.

Dude, she's 12!

- What?

- What's wrong with you?

Your brother's dead, you should be sad.

- You're not the boss of me. I hate you, Herman!

- 12?

(sighing)

Pfft.

(groaning)

(dramatic music)

- Oh shit.

(screaming)

(splashing)

Woo!

- Ah!

(groaning)

You know, we're a lot alike, the two of us, Hermie.

Male, early 20s, Caucasian.

We live in the same house.

We even have brown hair.

- I'm nothing like you. You suck.

- You die.

(groaning)

Yeah!

(groaning)

(dramatic music)

(bird calling)

(screaming)

(groaning)

- Ow, no fish hooks.

(groaning)

It looks like you beat me.

I just want you to know,

you were my favorite roommate ever.

On the flip side, Hermie.

- On the flip side, Damon.

(water splashing)

(gentle guitar music)

(water flowing)

(gentle guitar music)

(anguished screaming)

(gentle guitar music)

(door creaking)

(doorbell ringing)

- May I help you?

- Uh, yeah, my name is Bernard McCloud.

I, uh, I found your flyer.

- Oh yeah, come on in.

So, can I interest you in a protein shake, maybe a weight?

- Uh, no, I'll just have a Coke, if you've got one.

- You know, carbonation is bad for you.

- Okay. - Let's go upstairs.

- Ow.

- So, you a student, McCullough?

- McCloud.

Actually, no, I'm taking a year off.

I wanna see what the real world is like.

- Oh, what are you studying?

- World history.

- Ah, you should get along well with Herman.

He's a nerd too.

- Is he another roommate?

- Only roommate. Others keep joining cults.

- (clears throat) Okay, whose room is this?

- Yours.

- Why is there all this stuff in here?

- That's Elliot's. He disappeared a few days ago.

Musta joined a cult.

Damnedest thing, too.

He left all this stuff, but he took his dog.

- Okay, uh, so where's the laundry room?

- Downstairs. Would you take that for me?

- Will do.

(light music)

Ah, God! Sorry, you scared me, I didn't see you there.

- So you must be Bernard, the new roommate.

Hi, I'm Herman.

- Nice to meet you, Herman.

- Be careful. You almost dropped something.

I should warn you. It's a bit of a pet peeve of mine.

I don't like it when people leave

their clothes lying around.

It really, really bothers me.

It's just so, inconsiderate.

- O-Okay.

- Well, on the flip side, Bernie, ka-caio.

- Hm, Bernie. Bernie.

(hammer pounding)

(gentle guitar music)

(door creaking)

- Ah!

- Whatever, sphincter, you're so (laughs).

- Caliphs conquered Syria, Iraq and most of Persia.

- I wanna just rip it.

I can't. I'm sorry, I ...

First of all, your tie, with the ...

- Oh!

(laughing)

- Hermie, I just thought of a logical excuse as to why

the dirt around the graves, things, is all (stutters).

Oh, hi, Blaine.

Fuck!

(screaming)

Hey!

I'm a bedwetter.

- (laughs) Goddam, what are you doing?

(gentle guitar music)

- Oh.

(laughing)

- Uh.

Yeah, my name is Jeremy McCloud.

I, uh, found your flyer.

- Ah.

- [Producer] Your name's not Jeremy. His name's Jeremy.

(laughing)

- Asshole.

- I'm going to Carrie's.

(laughing)

(screaming)

(laughing)

(squealing)

- You.

(items clattering)

(laughing)

When humans dress up like animals

and can't see where they're going.

Part Two.

(laughing)

(groaning)

(laughing)

- Oh, that hurt so bad.

Oh.

(gentle guitar music)

(laughing)

Oh, he punched me in the face.

(laughing)

Fuck.

- [Herman] Oh, my God.

- [Damon] Fuck, shit!

- I have a friend there I can stay with, hopefully.

- Just graduated, huh?

- I'm hoping to find a job in my field.

- Jesus, how many times we have to do this?

Come on.

- Ow.

- He's seriously fucking this up, dude.

He's fucking this up.

- I'll get you. I'll--

- [Hugo] That's assault. That's assault.

- [Herman] You tied her to the railroad tracks?

- Yes, and she's still alive.

So I guess you're ...

A train coming (laughs).

- Oh shit.

This is the most uncool thing I've ever done.

(train clattering)

- Dude! Dammit.

(groaning)

- [Producer] Can you do it again?

- Yeah, I can do it.

If you'll note, I did not let getting kicked in the balls

deter me from finishing the scene.

I'm a real actor.

- Where's your shirt?

(laughing)

♪ Why do the birds sing to me ♪

♪ From a tree to me ♪

♪ To me ♪

♪ Sing to me ♪

- [Herman] That's so good.