All language subtitles for Clipped S01 E090

Hey, A.J.,

you know why you're a lucky guy?

Ooh. Uh, I'm not under the illusion

that vests make me look cool.

Waiters don't give me coloring books

- when I go to restaurants.
- All right.

No, no. Okay, I got two tickets

to the Sox/Yankees tonight, all right,

and I decided you can go
if you cut 15 heads today.

Ehh. You know what?

I don't think I'm gonna reach
15, so, thanks, anyway.

Um, look, okay. It doesn't have to be 15.

You can just... uh, you
can have the ticket,

but you're buying the beer.

You know what? I just paid rent,

and beer at the park is,
like, wicked overpriced,

- So, thanks, anyway.
- No.

Okay, uh, you don't have to buy the beer,

but, uh, if you catch a
fly ball, I get that.

Thanks, anyway.

Oh, you got plans?

I do not.

Well, don't you want to go to the game?

I really, really do.

So what's your problem?
Go to the game with me.

Thanks, anyway, man.

Sync and corrections by squallounet
www.addic7ed.com

So she's sitting in my chair,
and she shows me the photo,

and I said, "put that phone down.

Just 'cause you're transitioning
does not mean I need to see

a picture of what your
junk is gonna look like."

I hate people who think we care.

I hate people.

Hey, Charmaine.

Actually, you could probably help us out.

This dingbat here let her uncle

store illegal fireworks in our apartment.

I bet you got some friends

who could take them off our hands.

Now, why would you say that?

It's not what you think.

She's asking you 'cause you're black.

I love Boston.

Hey, Joy. He just had a Buzzy cut.

Oh, he did, did he?

Well, it's better to have a
Buzzy cut than a cuzzy butt.

Uh, yeah, I guess it is.

You're so nice to me. Your hair's so tall.

You know what they say
big hair, big tushie.

I don't think that's what they say.

Have you been drinking?

No. Little bit, little bit.

You never drink. It's not even noon.

Oh! You just said "noon" backwards. Wow.

I just said "wow" backwards.

Is, uh, something wrong?

Mm. Can I tell you a secret?

Sure.

My marriage is falling apart.

All right. Hold my calls. I'm
going to lunch with my ma.

I'm surprising her with
an open hearts necklace

from the Jane Seymour collection. Huh?

Oh. Is it her birthday?

No, it's not her birthday, nosy Parker.

I'm doing it because she's a delight
and no one ever tells her.

Every creep begins with Kay.

Look. I'll be back in an hour.

Wait a second.

Edwin Painter's coming in for a haircut...

Our geometry teacher Edwin Painter?

Yeah. He called this morning.

I hate that guy.

Why? He was a great teacher.

Yeah, maybe for you, Johnny baseball.

We had very different
high school experiences.

Did this teacher flunk you or does he
just not like you on "Game of thrones"?

We had an incident, and I don't
like to talk about it, all right?

Oh, you're still mad at
him for making you...

Do not finish that sentence, A.J.

All right, do you guys remember
how he cleared his throat?

I mean, he would literally
say the word "ahem."

Who says the word "ahem"?

Ben, I think you could tell
Buzzy the real reason.

I've listed all the reasons
I care to list, Daniel.

Wait. Do you really think
my full name is Daniel?

I think your real name is you work for me.

So we're done talking about Mr.
Painter, all right?

I always thought it would have been funny
if Mr. Painter taught painting.

Get it?

Yeah. That's fricking hilarious, Joy...

If you're 8.

Look, if I'm not back
when Edwin Painter comes,

make sure he knows that his
favorite student, Ben Grossman,

owns the barbershop, all right?

And gives his mother romantic
gifts for no reason.

Not for no reason. My mother's a delight!

Hey. You feeling any better?

Oh, much, I ate a loaf of bread.

I think it soaked up all the Frangelico.

The Frangelico?

You can tell you've traveled.

I, um, I was actually
talking about you and Bart.

Oh. Yeah, well, I decided

I'm gonna pray about my
marriage and wait for a sign...

You know, something that tells
me if I should stay with Bart

or if I'm meant to leave him.

Two questions.

Uh, could that sign be in a fortune cookie,
and do you feel like Chinese food?

You're so funny, Mo.

Those were real questions.

So, how's retirement, Mr. Painter?

- Boring.
- Oh.

But that was by design.

I've had three heart attacks
in the past two years.

I'm under strict instructions to avoid
all stressful situations and people.

That's why I stopped
teaching and got a divorce.

How about this? Let's keep
you nice and relaxed.

How about a hot shave on the house?

Sounds nice.

All right. I
got to get more towels.

FYI... Ma loved the necklace.

Big "Dr. Quinn" fan.

She said she couldn't
think of one other son

that would do something
this loving for his mother.

Oh. How about Oedipus?

Yeah, I don't know what
you're talking about,

but you never Oedipus in your life.

Ben 2, Buzz zip. All right.

If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office.

Ahem.

Hello, Edwin.

Hello, Benjamin.

Oh! It's "hello, Benjamin" now, is it?

You think I forgot what you did to me?

Excuse me. Ahem.

Oh. All right. You know what?

Enough with the "ahem," all right?

Who says "ahem"?

"Ahem" is what a tailor
does to your skirts.

I thought you hemmed your own skirts.

- I've got to go.
- Oh, but so soon?

But we were just starting to catch up.

Geometry sucks, by the way.

Yeah, I didn't learn a
thing in your class...

Waste of time.

Yeah, the circumference of a
circle is pi times my balls.

Oh, that was fun.

I don't know, Ben. He seemed pretty upset.

Yeah, I hope he was. But you know what?

My guess is that he wasn't
because that guy has no heart.

Ugh. What a drama queen.

Yeah, that's what he should have done.

He should have taught drama.

Where's Mr. Painter?

And why is there a crowd
gathering outside?

And why is there a Mr.
Painter-shaped person on the ground?

Terrible about Mr. Painter.
You think he'll be all right?

I hope so. I'm praying for him.

Yeah, me too. Me too.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey.

You know how you were
looking for a sign before?

I think I got it. 'Cause you see...

I got my sign, Mo.

Yeah?

I'm pregnant.

Why?

Didn't... you... tell me sooner?!

I just can't believe Mr.
Painter was alive yesterday

here talking to me, and now he's dead.

I texted Ben, but he never responded.

When I heard Mr. Painter was coming in,

I sent him a friend request.

Now that request will be forever
pending... hashtag frowny face.

I hate your generation.

You know, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I actually feel bad for Ben.

I know. I mean, can you imagine

the guilt he must feel for
yelling at him like that?

Poor guy must be devastated.

I've got bagels.

Yeah, the grief is palpable.

I just won a lottery scratch.
Crazy, right?

First time ever.

I scratched off those three little
dollar signs, and I was like, "yeah!

I'm getting bagels for those
people who work for me."

You do know our teacher died
last night in the hospital?

I... yeah. I know. A.J. texted me.

So sad.

Moment of silence. And... scene.

Anyhoo, you got your lox
schmear, your chives schmear,

Your regular schmear,
your low-fat schmear.

Buzz, who loves ya?

Hey, don't you feel any
remorse about what happened?

Why? Not my fault.

The guy was one ahem away
from the a-hereafter.

Mm. Man, that guy had a
heart like a water balloon.

And all it took was one
little prick to pop it.

What did that teacher do to Ben?

Well, each of us promised
Ben we would never tell.

As individuals. But we never said
we wouldn't all tell together as a group.

Can I get a ruling on that?

That's semantic bullshit,
but I'll allow it.

Now, Daniel, please proceed.

Stop it. I don't want "Daniel" to stick.

Okay, so sophomore year, Mr.
Painter asked Ben

to come up to the board
for a geometry proof...

and Ben's pants were tight
like real tight.

Anyway, you know, Ben was
not a great student,

and Mr. Painter didn't
really like him for it.

Like, you could tell he was Jewish tight.

Thank you, Charmaine.

So, you know, Ben's up there
doing a super-hard proof,

and he's really nervous.

Like, we're talking male camel-toe tight.

You know, I hate to do this,

but the legal term is
actually moose knuckle.

Can... can I finish the story? Sure.

So Ben dropped the chalk,
and when he bends over to pick it up...

Oh, no. His pants split? I've been there.

They did, but that's
actually not the worst part.

Ben wasn't wearing any underwear.

Why?

I can answer that.

It was a Wednesday.

Wednesday? You remember what day it was?

What do you have... that
Marilu Henner memory thing?

Hyperthymesia?

Also known as superior
autobiographical memory?

Yeah, I got it.

But that's not how I
know it was Wednesday.

I'd tell you, but Ben made me promise
not to say anything to anybody.

But you didn't promise
not to say everything to everybody.

- A.J.?
- I'll allow it.

But you are now on a very
short leash, counselor.

Thank you, your honor.

So Ben's mom worried about his
sperm count being too low,

and that's why every Wednesday,
she made him not wear underwear

so his testicles could air out.

She called it free Wednesdays.

So he splits his pants in
front of the whole class...

on free Wednesday.

Free Wednesday. Gosh, that's brutal.

That's actually not even the worst part.

Ben asked if he could be excused,

but Mr. Painter made him stay
up there and finish the proof.

That's terrible.

I think we are losing sight of
who the real victim is here.

Danni was in the front row.

Some things you just can't unsee.

"Congratulations. You're expecting."

Mo, is that you?

Hey, Joy.

How you doing, huh?

Aww.

I wasn't crying. You?

I was crying, actually.

Yeah, me too.

I'm just so sad about... about Mr.
Painter.

Ohh. That's what I'm sad about.

I'm lying.

I'm not really crying about Mr. Painter.

Me neither. I never even had him.
I took algebra twice.

I'm crying because I'm just
so happy I'm pregnant.

And I'm happy for you.

We're both so happy about
you being pregnant.

- Go, team!
- Yay!

No, I'm not... I'm not really
crying about that, Mo.

I'm crying because I'm stuck.

I don't think I want to be
pregnant with Bart's baby.

I don't think I want to be
pregnant with Bart's baby, either.

Hey, men's wearhouse.

You sure you're gonna
like the way you look?

Ah. What?

Somebody die?

Oh, right.

You know, you can still come with me to
Mr.Painter's funeral.

Hmm. Is it an open bar?

No? "Passachusetts."

You know, maybe you
should try forgiving him.

I mean, what's the point
to holding on to this?

Mm, I like a good grudge.
Keeps my edges sharp.

That's why I'm so successful.
Forgiveness is for suckers.

Uh-huh. Remind me again where
it says that in the bible.

It doesn't. It's implied.

That's why Jesus was a carpenter And not
the owner of a home depot franchise.

You know, I always used to
think that this was an act,

that you deliberately put up walls

because you weren't
popular in high school.

Now I think behind the
wall is just more wall.

See, that's where you're wrong, A.J.

I have a big heart, all right?

I just don't show you
people because I'm the boss

and I need to maintain separation.

Okay, well, mission accomplished.

By the way, if you ever
want to be the kind of guy

I would go to a ball game with,

maybe try showing that
heart once in a while.

Where the hell are you going?

That teacher's funeral.

I've been crying all day!

Didn't even go to our high school.

Rita, where you been?

The toilet.

You went to the bathroom in the
presence of a dead person?

She wasn't in the presence of him.

She was in the can.

He could have been there
in some form, Rosalee.

Okay. So what are you saying, Rhonda?

That you think Mr. Painter's ghost

is flying around the john,
watching girls tinkle?

Yeah, it's not chuck berry in that casket.

You don't know what he was into, Rita!

He was a math teacher.

Well, because of you, Rhonda, our
bathroom is full of fireworks

so I can't go at home.

It would actually be dangerous if I
tried to follow the house rules.

What house rules?

She who drops one down the hatch...

Is the one who lights the match.

Beautiful service, huh?

- It's Bart. I'm gonna take this.
- Okay.

Well, that was that.

I thought you said Ben wasn't coming.

What?

Huh. "I did not expect that."

What is that voice you do?
I never know who that is.

Johnny Carson.

"If the glove don't fit you
must acquit" Johnny Carson?

Oh.

That question is parked right
at the intersection of cute

and you've got to be kidding me.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I didn't think you were coming.

Look, I don't want to be the kind of guy

that nobody wants to
go to a ballgame with.

I'm sorry about that.
Obviously I was wrong.

I don't give you enough
credit for being a good guy.

Look, if a guy dying right outside my shop

isn't enough to let go
of some petty grievance,

you know, what kind of person would I be?

Okay, that's enough. That's enough.

- It's not tight.
- It's enough.

Now it's done.

If you don't mind, I'm
gonna pay my respects.

Wow. You must have really
gotten through to him.

You're good.

Thank you, Daniel.

That's not gonna stick.

I don't know. I just heard someone say it.

I don't know if you can hear me, Mr.
Painter,

but if you can, I just want
to say two words to you.

"Ha" and "ha."

Yeah. That's right.

I'm not really sad,

but I do want to show my friends
I'm not a heartless monster,

so here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna create the illusion
of grief by hanging my head

like I've seen in so many movies.

How's that? Convincing?

If it's convincing, don't say anything.

Good. That's what I thought.

Now I'm gonna shake my shoulders
so it looks like I'm crying.

Is he crying?

That's what it looks like.

Oh, yeah. Look what time it is.

Time for the big finish.

Oh, man. I'm gonna bring the show on home

with a heartwarming kiss
on your ice-cold forehead.

I wouldn't be surprised
if the crowd goes, "Aww."

Oh, god. It's Wednesday.

You have got to stop
sitting in the front row.

There you are.

Hey. Sorry I had to run out.

How was the rest of the funeral?

It was upsetting.

It's hard to say goodbye
to a beloved teacher.

That's not what was upsetting.

How you doing?

I'm okay.

I'm sorry you had to see me cry like that.

Uh, no. If anyone should
apologize, it's me.

I just got caught up in the moment.

But the truth is...

Everything's gonna be okay.
More than okay.

You're gonna be an amazing mom.
I'm sure of it.

And somehow everything will
work out with you and Bart.

I'm afraid you're only half right.

All mothers-to-be are nervous,

but you don't need large breasts to nurse.

You know, in Japan...

No, I'm talking about me and Bart.

This baby is the sign
I've been praying for,

but it's not telling me to stay with Bart,

it's telling me to leave him.

I can't even count on him
to remember my birthday.

May 29, 1989. Go ahead.

Hey!

Who took the scented candle
out of the bathroom?

Oh, there it is.

You were saying about Bart not
remembering your birthday?

Right. If I can't count on
him for the small things,

then how am I gonna count on him

for something as huge as raising a child?

Well...

That phone call at the funeral home...

that was me telling Bart
that I'm leaving him.

Our marriage is over.

Oh.

What do you think?

I don't know.

You and Bart breaking
up, I mean, that's big.

I don't know if I have
the words to describe

- what I'm feeling right now.
- Uh-oh!

If the words come to
me, I'll let you know.

Damn it!

- No! No!
- All right.

- No.
- All right.

Don't do that.

Guys, can I get your attention please?

Joy has some wonderful news
she wants to tell everybody.

I'm gonna count to three.

One, two, three...

- I'm having a baby!
- Joy's marriage is over!

She's having a baby!

Sync and corrections by squallounet
www.addic7ed.com