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1
00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:01,602
Previously on Accidentally
On Purpose:
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00:00:01,635 --> 00:00:03,271
We're running late.
3
00:00:03,304 --> 00:00:06,707
They're gonna give away
our seats at the premiere.
4
00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:08,809
What's the rush?
5
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:11,345
Uh, sorry, Officer.
I-I was just, um...
6
00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:13,581
Are you going
into labor?
7
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:15,383
Yes.
Yes.
8
00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:18,086
Billie wants us to go
to the premiere for her.
9
00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:19,220
Oh!
10
00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:20,020
You weren't kidding
about this police
escort, huh?
11
00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:21,522
That's how I do things:
hardcore.
12
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:22,790
If you're my friend,
13
00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:24,692
I'm the best thing
that ever happened to you.
14
00:00:24,725 --> 00:00:26,694
If you're my enemy,
I will hunt you down.
15
00:00:26,727 --> 00:00:29,263
It will end badly for you
and everyone you care about.
16
00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:31,299
Officer Ravitz!
17
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:34,068
Or should I say
Uncle Officer Ravitz?
18
00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:36,370
She had the baby? Already?
19
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:39,140
BILLIE:
Oh! Son of a bitch!
20
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:50,151
What's going on here?
21
00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:50,951
What does it look like?
22
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:52,553
I'm moving this couch.
I'm having...
23
00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,355
(screams)
24
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:57,125
...a baby.
25
00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:59,493
So the first one was a lie?
26
00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:01,429
You catch on quick.
27
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:04,132
I'm sorry.
I'm a bit of a wiseass.
28
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:06,634
But pain makes me sarcastic!
29
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:09,470
How's this for sarcastic?
30
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,871
I'm taking you in.
31
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,173
Is that a joke?
32
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:13,307
No joke.
You're going to jail.
33
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:15,509
But it's a great jail.
34
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:17,645
That was sarcastic.
35
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,314
No, no, please,
he needs to be with me!
36
00:01:20,348 --> 00:01:22,150
You, take her to the hospital.
37
00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:24,185
Daddy's going with me.
38
00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:25,653
Billie, I'm sorry.
No matter what it takes,
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00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,821
I'll be there when the
baby's born. I love you!
40
00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:28,956
I love you, too!
41
00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:32,360
I'll try to keep it in me
as long as I can! (gasps)
42
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:35,263
No, I won't. No, I won't.
43
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:38,199
Davis, you got to look out
for her for me, man.
44
00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:40,501
Yeah, man, I'm on it 100%!
45
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:46,140
Just concentrate
on your breathing.
46
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:48,542
I'm just not ready to have
a baby right now.
47
00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:52,213
There's no way I can do this
without drugs!
48
00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:53,481
Listen to me.
49
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:55,316
Go back
to my apartment, okay?
50
00:01:55,349 --> 00:01:57,318
Inside my nightstand,
there's a shoe.
51
00:01:57,351 --> 00:02:00,154
Inside the shoe is
a balled-up sock.
52
00:02:00,188 --> 00:02:03,291
You know what?
Just bring the whole shoe.
53
00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:06,494
This is always
how I pictured this day.
54
00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,629
Hi, I called a few minutes ago.
55
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:09,930
I'm Billie Chase.
56
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,233
I'm Gavin, Dr. Roland's nurse.
57
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:14,335
We've started getting
your room ready.
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00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:16,604
Why don't you two switch places?
59
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,440
Oh. Right, of course.
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00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,476
Okay, so...
61
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:23,544
you're good?
62
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:24,712
Good.
63
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:27,348
What? No, no, no,
you can't leave me!
64
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,383
No, no, no, no, no!
65
00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:30,384
Hey, hey, hey!
66
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:32,553
Hey, come on.
You've doubted yourself before.
67
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,622
You can do this.
You didn't think you could eat
68
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,857
those 23 hot dogs
to win the free hot dog,
69
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:37,958
but you did.
70
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:41,362
I was high!
71
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:44,798
Hey, all you have to do
is stand there
72
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:47,335
and occasionally mumble
something supportive, all right?
73
00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,537
Imagine you're at a strip club.
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00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,472
Okay, but it
will be hard
75
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,874
to put dollar
bills down there
76
00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:55,843
when a baby's
coming out.
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00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:58,512
* I can't be anything
without you. *
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00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:01,549
Captioning sponsored by
CBS TELEVISION
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00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:10,424
Look, I know I did a bad thing
pretending my girlfriend was
80
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:11,825
having a baby that first time,
but...
81
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:15,263
You wasted time, money
and valuable city resources.
82
00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:17,398
And you hurt me.
83
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:20,368
Say it.
84
00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:23,337
And I hurt you.
85
00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:25,473
And you hurt me.
86
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:26,907
So if I was you,
87
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:28,742
I'd just settle in
'cause your file's going
88
00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:30,944
to the bottom of the stack
like any other hump.
89
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:32,313
But you don't understand.
90
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,448
I need to be there for her,
okay?
91
00:03:34,482 --> 00:03:35,916
Come on, dude,
she's having my baby.
92
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:37,585
Well...
93
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:39,587
My girlfriend's having
a baby, too.
94
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:41,021
Mine, too.
95
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,390
They're copying me.
96
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:43,924
Stop copying me.
97
00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,493
You're a whiny
little bitch.
98
00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:47,795
It's just my type.
99
00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:51,332
And my day just keeps
getting better.
100
00:03:51,365 --> 00:03:53,434
Your cervix is
at four centimeters.
101
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,603
* La, la,
la-la-la-la,
la-la-la. *
102
00:03:56,804 --> 00:03:58,672
Is this your husband?
103
00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:00,708
No, no, no,
no, no, no.
104
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,310
Oh, God, no.
105
00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:06,647
I am way out of her league.
106
00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:10,451
So, is your husband
on his way?
107
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:12,786
Oh, Zack's not my husband;
he's my boyfriend.
108
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:14,422
And he's in jail.
(wry chuckle)
109
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,290
So that sounds classy.
110
00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:18,792
He did ask me to marry him,
but I said, "I don't know,"
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00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:20,728
since he's 22 and I'm 37
112
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:22,430
and this whole thing
started out
113
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:23,797
as a drunken one-night stand.
114
00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:27,034
Lucky, lucky baby.
115
00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:31,038
Just so you know, we'll need
the baby's full name
116
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:32,473
for the birth certificate
117
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:34,442
before you leave
the hospital.
118
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:39,547
Okay. Um, then we're gonna
need a late checkout.
119
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:44,385
Okay, so we finally
decided on a name.
120
00:04:44,418 --> 00:04:46,754
But I didn't submit
my new list yet.
121
00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,523
Well, the most
important thing is
122
00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:52,460
to avoid names that mean kids
can turn into a hurtful rhyme.
123
00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:54,495
Like in the third grade,
you know,
124
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:55,463
they called me "Blabigail."
125
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:56,564
I showed them--
126
00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:59,500
stopped talking
for a year.
127
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:00,834
They thought
I went deaf.
128
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,536
Suckers!
129
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:06,407
So, the name?
130
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,541
Oh.
131
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:08,909
Let's say it at
the same time.
132
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:09,910
Okay.
Ready?
Mm-hmm.
133
00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:12,079
One, two, three.
134
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:14,648
Henry Chase.
Henry Krawchuck.
135
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,517
Chase?
Krawchuck?
136
00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:19,553
Lucky, lucky...
137
00:05:19,587 --> 00:05:21,655
Yeah, yeah,
your family's perfect.
138
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,526
Sorry. I got here
as quick as I could.
139
00:05:26,494 --> 00:05:27,828
Hello, Davis.
140
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:31,532
(sultrily):
Hello, Olivia.
141
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:34,101
"Hello, Davis."
"Hello, Olivia."
142
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,604
What, are you guys in a play?
What's going on?
143
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:43,444
Nothing. You know,
we're just trying
144
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:45,413
to put aside our
natural disdain
for each other
145
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:47,415
because of the
coming miracle!
146
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:50,751
Yes, today is all
about you, Billie.
147
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:51,919
Just imagine.
148
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:55,889
In about 18 hours from now,
you are going to be a mom.
149
00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:58,492
18 hours?
150
00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,528
18 hours?
151
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,062
Oh, suck it up.
152
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,997
My mother had to perform
her own C-section
153
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,833
with a broken whiskey bottle.
154
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:13,541
(phone rings)
155
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,609
It's Billie. Billie!
156
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:18,078
Zack's been arrested,
and I need you to get him
157
00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:20,648
out of jail because I'm in the
hospital, and I'm in labor.
158
00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:22,816
Yay! (laughs)
159
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:26,487
Oh, wait. Some of that
sounded bad.
160
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:29,590
It is! He's at
the Lombardo station.
161
00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:31,024
The arresting officer
was Ravitz,
162
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,661
and I really, really
need Zack here, Abby.
163
00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:35,729
We are on it.
You can count on us.
164
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:36,964
Nick's had three
Shirley Temples,
165
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:38,799
but I think he's okay to drive.
166
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,903
Olivia, can you go back
to my place and get
167
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,104
my prepacked
overnight suitcase?
168
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:45,473
It's in that closet
in the dining room.
169
00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:47,174
Yeah, of course.
170
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:48,341
I should help you.
171
00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:53,647
After all, there's probably
a lot of junk in that trunk.
172
00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:56,984
It's okay if I leave,
right, Nurse Gavin?
173
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,586
You should definitely leave
174
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:01,622
because I called security
five minutes ago.
175
00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:03,056
OLIVIA:
Great.
176
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,759
Oh, we're gonna get
that suitcase.
177
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:08,662
Can't wait to get
my hands on that
suitcase.
178
00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:11,865
OLIVIA:
Not if I beat you to it!
(door closes)
179
00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:14,167
It's a really
great suitcase.
180
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:15,669
When they bring it by,
181
00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:16,904
you'll see what
all the shouting's about.
182
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:22,743
You're naming
your kid Henry?
183
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:23,811
Yeah.
184
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,779
That's my name.
185
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:30,784
Was. Now it's Nadine.
186
00:07:30,818 --> 00:07:32,853
It suits you.
187
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,188
I'm telling you, sailor,
188
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:37,925
you're saying
all the right things.
189
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:46,166
The problem is the last name.
190
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,702
Okay, so the hospital
191
00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:50,270
baby bag is packed.
192
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,139
But where's my music thingy?
193
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:54,608
(chuckles) That's a funny story.
194
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,611
Remember that flank steak I made
195
00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,479
that kind of tasted like metal?
196
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:07,120
Yo, Zack, look, we did it!
197
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:09,690
One nipple normal,
198
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:11,759
the other one hard!
(laughs)
199
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:25,038
You tenderized my music thingy?
200
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:31,745
But I had put together the
perfect birthing playlist.
201
00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:32,746
I was gonna have our baby
202
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:36,216
to Salt-n-Pepa's
"Push It. Push It Real Good."
203
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:39,052
Well, I wanted
the baby to have
my last name,
204
00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:43,223
so neither of us
are getting exactly
what we want.
205
00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:47,260
The first song your son's
gonna hear is "Push It"?
206
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:48,896
I'll save a dress
for him.
207
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:51,632
I gotta be honest.
208
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:53,767
You don't seem like
much of a catch.
209
00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:54,668
You're in jail,
210
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,170
you won't let me stab you,
211
00:08:57,204 --> 00:09:00,007
and who's gonna marry a guy
named Krawchuck?
212
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:02,676
I'll marry him.
213
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:06,680
See? Thank you, Nadine.
214
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:09,116
Nadine Krawchuck.
215
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:12,620
I like the sound of that.
216
00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,354
But I gotta tell you,
217
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,857
I got a bunch of cats.
218
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:22,062
Don't touch anything.
219
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,331
Police stations are
a breeding ground
for disease.
220
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,634
(gasps)
221
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:29,269
It's this kind of attitude
222
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:31,605
that keeps us off
The Amazing Race.
223
00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:33,040
Abby! Ow!
224
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:36,343
Hi, Officer Ravitz,
I'm Abby.
225
00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,712
And that adorable man
handcuffed over there--
226
00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:41,682
uh, not the bald guy
or the lady dude--
227
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:44,652
is my kind of, sort of
brother-in-law,
228
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:46,754
so I'm here to bust him out.
229
00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:48,756
Oh, legally. So I would
like to post his bail,
230
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:51,291
preferably using a combination
of credit cards
231
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:53,126
and gift certificates.
232
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,229
Bail won't be set for at least
another four to six hours.
233
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:59,800
You're being a tad unreasonable,
Officer Ravitz.
234
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,735
And you do not
want to be known
235
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:03,236
as "Unreasonable Ravitz."
236
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:06,206
I have known the pain
of a hurtful nickname.
237
00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:08,909
Don't worry, buddy,
we'll keep you out of jail.
238
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,778
But if we don't,
the first thing you do
239
00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:12,746
when you get in there
is kick someone's ass.
240
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,081
That's how
I survived space camp.
241
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,750
Look, lady,
242
00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:18,351
I hear a million sob stories
a day,
243
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,353
and most of them
aren't in English,
244
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:22,756
so I don't know what the hell
they're talking about.
245
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:24,758
And none of that really matters
246
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:26,259
because I don't
like him.
247
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,828
And I'm beginning
to not like you.
248
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,831
This is a power trip, huh?
249
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:34,334
They give you a badge and a gun
and you get to play God?
250
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:36,136
Well, my sister
is counting on me
251
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:38,171
to get her baby daddy
to the hospital.
252
00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:39,840
Now you're holding on to
something of mine,
253
00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:41,742
so I'm gonna hold on to
something of yours.
254
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:44,945
Ma'am, give that back.
255
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:48,816
Why? Why, what are you
gonna do about it?
256
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:53,020
"Abby's been arrested"?
257
00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:03,230
Well, I had the baby.
258
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,032
Really?
259
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,233
Yeah. You guys took so long,
260
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:07,868
I'm already pregnant
with another one.
261
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:09,903
Here's your
ice water.
262
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,839
Thank you.
263
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:15,909
Anything else I can get
for you, dirty stranger?
264
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:17,911
Dr. Roland!
265
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:19,847
Oh, my God.
I'm so glad to see you.
266
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:23,717
Yeah. I didn't need to see
the Rolling Stones tonight.
267
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:25,919
Where's Zack?
268
00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:27,354
Jail.
269
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,757
Boom! Just won the office pool.
270
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,825
(laughs)
271
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:33,226
Okay.
272
00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:35,729
Let's take a gander
at the old money maker, huh?
273
00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:39,032
Oh, six centimeters.
274
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:40,233
Shouldn't be long now.
275
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,902
But Zack's not here.
276
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:43,370
Olivia, help.
277
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,739
Don't worry about it.
278
00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:47,875
I know people at every precinct
in this town.
279
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:50,343
If they don't let him go,
they're going to read about it
280
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:51,812
in tomorrow's front page.
281
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:57,417
Yeah, she's gonna
get arrested, too.
282
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,022
Hey.
283
00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:04,858
I slept with her.
284
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:07,394
I don't care.
285
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:09,897
I can't believe that
286
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:11,398
Zack's not going to make it.
287
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:12,866
I can't do this without him.
288
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,268
Look, Dr. Roland, I
need to reschedule.
289
00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:17,070
I'll move my nail
appointment to next Tuesday.
290
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:19,139
But I'm not ready
to have a baby yet.
291
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,942
Well, you should have thought
of that before you got pregnant.
292
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:24,878
Okay, did you somehow
swallow my mother?
293
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:26,546
You'll stay
with me, right?
294
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,248
I can count on you,
at least, can't I?
295
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:29,316
Absolutely.
296
00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,953
All right, Substitute Daddy,
scrub up and get ready
297
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:34,121
because I'm
gonna need you
298
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:36,356
to hold the baby
as it comes out.
299
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,859
Now, get a good grip, because
it's gonna be kind of slimy.
300
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:40,928
I'm passing out.
What?
301
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:42,863
Passing out.
302
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:43,496
Are you okay?
303
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,799
Gone.
304
00:12:48,201 --> 00:12:49,569
God, this is
going on forever,
305
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,804
and I have
to get there in time.
306
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:53,506
What's the longest it's ever
taken for a baby to come out?
307
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,943
Well, I heard about this
one woman in the Himalayas
308
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:57,410
who was in labor
for a week.
309
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,345
Really?
310
00:12:58,378 --> 00:13:00,013
Yeah. She died.
311
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:03,250
Oh, this is not
a helpful story.
312
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,885
No, it's not.
313
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,186
God, I can't believe
314
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:07,320
I didn't even
have it together enough
315
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:08,889
to be there
for my own son's birth.
316
00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:10,824
I mean, my father
was a son of a bitch,
317
00:13:10,858 --> 00:13:12,960
but he was there
when I was born.
318
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,194
God, Billie must think
319
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,964
I'm the biggest loser
on Earth right now.
320
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:17,965
You?
321
00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:18,866
What about me?
322
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,901
I'm her sister.
If anyone should be there,
323
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,270
I should.
I feel awful.
324
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,571
(sighs)
325
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,974
You have to tell me
where you got those boots.
326
00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:33,914
Olivia? What are
you doing here?
327
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:36,383
I'm here to use
my journalistic connections
328
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:37,317
to get them out.
329
00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:40,888
Now, which one
arrested Zack?
330
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:42,222
Grumpypuss
behind that desk.
331
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:43,390
And don't touch his hat.
332
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,358
He's very attached to it.
333
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:51,965
Marion?
334
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,035
Olivia?
335
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:57,470
Oh...
Oh, my God.
336
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,907
Darling. You're alive!
337
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,479
All right. Olivia and
Abby can catch up,
338
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,948
but we've got to get
you to the hospital
339
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,216
to meet your
son, mister.
340
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:10,918
When did you
get a Porsche?
341
00:14:10,951 --> 00:14:12,119
Oh, it's my brother's.
He gave it to me
342
00:14:12,152 --> 00:14:14,254
when he met Antonio
and moved to Florence.
343
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:16,289
I didn't know
your brother was...
344
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,058
An expatriate. I know.
345
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,159
It's surprising.
346
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,461
Okay.
347
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:24,097
Billie, I'm out and on the way.
How you doing?
348
00:14:24,131 --> 00:14:25,565
They won't let me eat.
349
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,600
Tell them to
let me eat!
350
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,403
Dude, it's all
going down, man.
351
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:32,039
It was a bit dicey there
for a minute,
352
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:33,373
but then they gave me a shot.
353
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:35,042
Now I'm pumped!
354
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,279
Okay, Nick. Let's see
what this baby can do.
355
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,314
I'm way ahead of you.
356
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,102
Okay, you're
at nine centimeters.
357
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:05,572
Hey, when European guys
measure their penis,
358
00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:07,674
do they get to use centimeters?
359
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,043
'Cause that would sound
360
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:11,111
a lot more impressive.
361
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:14,681
Hey, let's go easy
on the penis talk down there.
362
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:18,151
The point is,
you're not quite there yet.
363
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:21,054
This is not quite there?!
364
00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:22,355
I know this sounds
hard to believe,
365
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:24,391
but I think
the baby has a knife!
366
00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:27,627
Well, it is
a rough neighborhood.
367
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:30,297
Now, listen to me, baby.
368
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:31,598
What's the rush?
369
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,466
The next time you're going
to be anywhere near
370
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,335
one of those things
is after the bar closes,
371
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:37,704
and all the good-looking guys
have already gone home.
372
00:15:37,737 --> 00:15:40,740
My son is going to
be very handsome,
373
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,010
and he will be taking ladies
home early and often,
374
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:44,244
but he won't try anything,
375
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:47,414
because that's just
the kind of guy he is.
376
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,449
Guess who's here?
377
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:53,086
Yay!
Yay!
378
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,088
Where's Zack?
379
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:58,058
He and Nick left before us.
I thought he'd be here.
380
00:15:58,091 --> 00:15:59,726
I am aware that
you're anxious,
381
00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:02,095
but I do not have a spotless
driving record by accident.
382
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,364
It's just
five more blocks.
383
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:08,501
And that is statistically
when most accidents occur.
384
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:11,504
I really think
Zack should be here
385
00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:15,475
because this thing's kicking
my ass from the inside out.
386
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:17,310
Doctor,
what should we do?
387
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,012
Hold her.
Talk to her.
388
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:20,247
Tell her something
to distract her.
389
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,216
I made friends with a
transvestite prostitute.
390
00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:26,153
Another one? Big deal.
391
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,254
DAVIS:
Uh...
392
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:29,222
I slept with Olivia!
393
00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:32,025
(screams, stops abruptly)
You what?!
394
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,294
That's good. Yeah.
395
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,762
More stuff like that.
Tell her where.
396
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:38,198
Uh, okay.
In your living room.
397
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:40,100
Kitchen floor,
on your bed...
398
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,434
where your head goes.
399
00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,203
Olivia!
400
00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:45,272
Oh, I'm not ashamed
of anything I did to him.
401
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:47,207
I am, a little.
402
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,043
(moans and gasps)
403
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:56,283
Can you at least
wear the gloves?
404
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:59,018
You're getting palm sweat
all over the steering wheel.
405
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,524
Don't worry.
I'm getting everything.
406
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,526
Over the shoulder,
over the shoulder!
407
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,596
Abby, over my shoulder!
408
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:11,264
Okay, all right.
409
00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:12,699
If it makes you feel any better,
410
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,634
way more people than this
have gathered around
411
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:17,204
to see my vagina.
412
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:20,373
That does not
make me feel better.
413
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:23,143
Nor I.
414
00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:24,311
ZACK:
Billie!
415
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:25,712
Billie!
416
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:27,114
Zack!
417
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,381
Did I miss anything?
418
00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:30,217
I love you.
419
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:31,118
I love you, too.
420
00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:34,121
(screaming in pain)
421
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:35,722
Where's Nick?
422
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:37,190
He's downstairs.
423
00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:39,226
Apparel was half-off
at the gift shop.
424
00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,059
Oh.
425
00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:42,729
So glad you finally
made it, bro.
426
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:44,197
Thanks for
being here, man.
427
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:46,199
Yeah, man. I got
this scene under control.
428
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,368
She's at nine
centimeters...
429
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,404
and I'm at 16.
430
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,473
Why are you two
holding hands?
431
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:56,176
They slept together.
432
00:17:57,177 --> 00:18:00,247
You will do anything
to steal focus.
433
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,581
Okay, we're getting
close now.
434
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:03,216
I'm gonna need you
to push.
435
00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:05,252
(exhales)
The breathing's not working.
436
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:06,886
I don't think I can do this.
437
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:07,887
Rub her back.
438
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,389
Get her some
ice chips.
439
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,391
Rub her back with ice chips.
440
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,726
Oh, I'm passing out.
441
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,162
What?
He's passing out.
442
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,329
Are you okay?
443
00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:18,398
Gone.
Oh!
444
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,366
ZACK:
Okay, yeah,
445
00:18:19,399 --> 00:18:21,468
get him out of here.
In fact, everybody out.
446
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,136
But...
Yeah. Bye,
447
00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:24,571
everyone.
Come on.
448
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,806
I'll stay
if that's okay with you.
449
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:29,576
(groaning)
450
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,544
Zack, I'm really scared.
451
00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:34,681
Something about this
doesn't feel right.
452
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:37,417
I wish I had my music.
453
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,885
Your music. Uh...
454
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:41,521
(moaning)
455
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:44,224
(to "Push It"):
* Bum ba dum
(moaning)
456
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:45,825
* Bum, bum, bum
457
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:47,427
* Boom ba nana rum
458
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:51,364
* Bum, bum, bum,
bom bada dada rum *
459
00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:53,866
* Bo bump oh bump bum
bump bana nana rum... *
460
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,835
DR. ROLAND:
* Ah, push it
461
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:57,870
* Bump bum, bum,
bom bada dada rum *
* Push it good. Ah!
462
00:18:57,904 --> 00:18:59,138
* Push it
463
00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:01,208
* Bump bum, bum,
bom bada dada rum *
* Push it real good
464
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:02,442
(rapping):
* Salt N Pepa's here
465
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,377
* And we're in effect
466
00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:05,612
* Want you to push it, girl
467
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:06,779
* Move it by day...
468
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,516
Well, are we singing or not?
469
00:19:09,549 --> 00:19:11,551
Okay.
Zack!
470
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:12,852
Oh, sorry. Uh, uh...
471
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:14,621
* Ooh, baby, baby
472
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:15,788
* Ba-Baby, baby...
473
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,524
Okay, here we go,
one final push.
474
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:18,958
Lock and load now.
475
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:19,959
* Bump bum, bum,
bom bada dada rum *
476
00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:21,228
DR. ROLAND:
* Ah. Push it
477
00:19:21,261 --> 00:19:22,795
Come on.
* Push it
good now *
478
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:23,963
* Bump bum, bum,
bom bada dada rum *
* Ah. Push it
479
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,332
Come on.
480
00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:26,499
* Push it good now
481
00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:27,800
* Ah. Push it
Give me the rhythm.
482
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,569
DR. ROLAND:
* Ah, push it. *
483
00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:31,438
GAVIN:
Stay on the beat!
Stay on the beat!
484
00:19:31,471 --> 00:19:33,373
Thank
you.
485
00:19:33,406 --> 00:19:34,541
Uh-huh.
486
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:35,708
ZACK:
Hey.
487
00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:36,976
Who's your daddy?
488
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,612
Me.
489
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:40,880
He is so beautiful.
490
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,483
Takes after his mom.
491
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,785
Yeah.
Give Mommy
a high five.
492
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:48,255
Up high. Down low.
Too slow.
493
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:49,956
Good job, darling.
494
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:51,824
(baby fussing)
Hey, what's up,
little baby?
495
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,360
I like your hat.
496
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:54,727
I got one just like it.
497
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:56,529
(laughing)
498
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,765
Look, Nick.
It's our nephew.
499
00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:00,867
Finally you're not
the one in the family
500
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,669
with the smallest feet.
501
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,537
He's adorable.
502
00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:06,639
You guys will
still pay
attention
503
00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:07,707
to me,
though,
right?
504
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,379
He's smiling.
505
00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:14,281
Oh.
(laughs)
506
00:20:23,623 --> 00:20:25,592
You know, I think
507
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:28,495
Henry and I should have
the same last name.
508
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,497
Yeah, I'm cool
with that.
509
00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:32,599
Henry Chase.
510
00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:34,667
No. Henry Krawchuck.
511
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:37,437
What do you mean?
512
00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:40,573
Well, what I mean is,
I know I took a couple months
513
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:42,775
to get back to you
on your marriage proposal.
514
00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:46,346
The offer's still
valid, right?
515
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,284
Four more minutes.
516
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:55,455
Well, the answer is yes.
517
00:21:05,632 --> 00:21:07,066
So we're engaged.
518
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,669
Yeah.
519
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:11,304
(sighs)
520
00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:13,706
Look, I don't want to
put any pressure on you,
521
00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:16,776
but how long do you want to
wait before we have kids?
522
00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:19,446
(laughing)
523
00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:28,287
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