Original subtitles

Hey. Yo.

How come you're wearing a suit?

This is jeans and a jacket.

Wait.

So, what's a suit?

Zack, look who I got into her party pants.

At this point, the party in my pants is not so exciting.

I wish I was a movie critic,

so I could be going to a fancy movie premiere--

getting out of a limo, posing for the paparazzi,

eating free popcorn.

It's so glamorous.

Abby, I promise I'll bring you to the next one.

It's just the baby's coming in three weeks, and...

Whoa, three weeks?

Holy crap. I thought you said two months.

Yeah, a month and a half ago.

I just want to have one last special night with Zack

while my breasts are still breasts

and not just vending machines.

(sighs)

I can't believe it.

Next time I go to a movie premiere

I'm going to be a mother.

Take a left on Geary.

Ah, next time we make a left on Geary

I'm going to be a mother.

Yep, and next time I see

two trannies making out at a bus stop,

I'm gonna be a dad.

(siren wailing)

Are we being pulled over? (mutters)

Aw, we're running late.

They're going to give away our seats at the premiere.

Man!

Now I got soda running down my butt crack.

Ooh, it's fizzy.

What's the rush?

Uh, sorry, Officer.

I-I was just, um...

I was...

Did your water just break?

Are you going into labor?

Yes. Yes.

Yes, that is exactly

what is happening.

That is such a good idea.

Yeah, why else would I run a red light?

I got you for speeding.

Are you saying you also ran a red light?

Whoa! Oh, God, they're getting closer!

Officer, it would be so fun to go over

all of the various infractions my--

oh, what the hell-- husband here committed,

but if I weren't wearing tights,

you would see that I am crowning.

So thank you so much, but I think we got it from here.

Which hospital are you headed to?

The one that's this way.

It's San Francisco Medical.

He doesn't know where anything is.

It's amazing I even got pregnant.

Okay, I'm going to give you an escort. Follow me.

This is really exciting.

Wait, no, no, you don't have to do that.

OFFICER: Follow me! Exciting!

Are we going to get away with this?

Who cares? This is awesome. We have a police escort.

* I can't be anything without you. *

Captioning sponsored by CBS TELEVISION

(siren wailing)

Well, we're definitely going to be late for the premiere,

but screw it.

How great is a police escort?

It's a lot more fun when the cop's in front of you.

Uh, all right, so when we get to the hospital,

I'm gonna drop you off at the front door

and pick you up at the back door. It'd be really cool

if you just jumped in and I never had to stop.

But don't do that.

I won't.

Not because I'm pregnant,

but because I'm not wearing the right shoes.

I'm gonna call Abby.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Hey, it's Billie.

Um, Zack and I are in a little situation.

So until we can get there, can you go to the premiere

and hold our seats?

(screaming)

I suppose I could do that.

Billie wants us to go to the premiere for her.

(screaming)

OLIVIA: Let's just grab a stroller and get the hell out of here.

I don't like this one.

The lumbar support is terrible.

And I don't understand the purpose of these bees.

(buzzing)

Oh, they buzz.

(chuckles) That's pretty cool.

Okay, we got to get this one.

$400?!

Aw...

"Bees sold separately"?

Oh, what do they need a fancy stroller for, anyway?

When I was a girl growing up in Scotland,

my mother used to push me around in a wheelbarrow

filled with dead rabbits

and spent ammunition.

Yeah, I say we just get the breast pump.

That thing tickled.

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Maybe this guy can help us out.

He looks like one of my kind.

You mean an online community college dropout?

God, you are flirtatious today.

Hey, uh, yo.

On break. Talk to Kathy.

She'll be very excited to help you.

Actually, I was hoping that you could help me out, "broseph."

Oh, I don't have anything on me right now, man.

But if you come back at 5:00, my boy Kwami will hook you up.

My friends and I are looking for a "stroller,"

if you know what I mean.

I do if you mean you're looking for a stroller.

We could really use a discount, though,

if you know what I'm saying.

I do if you mean you want to pay less money.

See? It's unspoken.

No, it's spoken.

Are these two cool?

Man, I am more than cool.

I'm black.

Look...

employee discount covers immediate family members, also.

So give me some cash,

and I'll get you any stroller for half off.

But one of you has to be my brother.

Probably me.

All right, it's go time.

Just as soon as I finish this game.

You do realize that's a calculator, right?

No wonder this was so hard.

Ah, you weren't kidding about this police escort, huh?

That's how I do things-- hardcore. If you're my friend,

I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.

If you're my enemy, I will hunt you down and it will end badly

for you and everyone you care about.

So, anyway, you have been wonderful.

I mean, what is the opposite of police brutality?

Police total awesomeness?

Okay, you stay with her, I'm going to try and find a nurse.

God, this guy's not leaving

until he sees my cervix.

This is your lucky day.

This is my girlfriend Brenda.

She just started her shift.

Hi, guys. This is exciting.

That's what I said.

Could this have worked out any better, or what?

I don't think so.

I mean, you are a cop, your girlfriend's a nurse.

The only way this could be more fantastic

is if your dad was a pediatrician.

No, he's a bail bondsman.

I'll take his card.

(camera shutters snapping)

Look...

there's the red carpet.

Wait. Final check before our first red carpet photo session.

Panty line? Clear.

How about me-- uh, any twitching?

Oh, the right eye just a little.

Uh-huh.

Okay, so remember, we're going to take our time.

Step, pose, smile. Step, pose, smile.

Fiona, who are you wearing?

Are you in Tiger's speed dial?

Okay, we're up. Posture, posture.

Oh, it's nobody.

They must have won a contest.

(sighs)

Dude, you okay?

I just get really nervous when I have to lie to Robbie.

The dude's like a Jedi.

I swear to God, one day he choked me from across a room.

All right, just calm down and keep it short, okay?

The less words, the fewer.

Here he comes.

Ian--

once again, there's coleslaw in your beard.

How can I help you folks?

Uh, Robbie,

this is my brother Don... ovan.

And, uh, his wife Marcy.

And their cool friend-- Lynx.

They're visiting from Las Vegas,

where Donovan repairs video poker machines

and Marcy works as a hostess-- cup... cupcakes--

marketing executive.

Because that's where the Hostess corporate headquarters is.

Anyway, they're pregnant, and, uh,

I told them I could get that stroller, uh, with my discount,

because they're visiting from Vegas.

Ian, for the last time,

they don't have to be your family members to get the discount.

It's your discount.

Anyone you want can use it.

Is he trying to trick me?

Dude, I got to get a job here,

because clearly you cannot be fired.

Okay, great.

All filled out.

Mr. and Mrs. Frizinshinson.

That's us.

We've got to get you a room.

Your water broke, missy.

This baby is coming.

You know, I think only some of it broke.

Because it still feels pretty sloshy in there.

Maybe I just need to drink some Gatorade and top off the tank.

Oh, good.

It is so important to have a sense of humor

when dealing with the horrific pain you're about to go through.

All right, let's get the hell out of here.

Uh, I can walk.

Yeah, like a fat guy in quicksand.

Whoa!

Okay.

(door closes)

Okay, you know what?

This was fun at first, but now it's getting ridiculous.

I'm just going to go tell the cop that we were late

for a thing, and we were trying to get out of a ticket.

It happens all the time. He'll probably think it's funny--

or shoot us-- either way.

Yeah, I'm gonna need you

not to do that.

Why?

It's just one ticket.

Which, when you add to the other four I have,

makes five.

Five tickets?

Well, six if you count that scary red envelope

I got in the mail.

What did it say?

The words that popped out were "failure to comply,"

"warrant for your arrest,"

and "this is the last notice you will receive."

And then I never heard from them again.

Okay, so I'm not going to the premiere,

the father of my baby is a fugitive,

and we're stuck in a closet with some questionable fumes.

The fumes are bleach.

Thank God you're here.

I can't believe you didn't tell me that.

Is there anything else I should know?

I didn't pay my taxes last year.

I'm kidding. I never pay my taxes.

Wow, tough closet.

Zack, this is no joke.

If you get caught, you could go to jail.

But a more pressing concern--

I have to tinkle like nobody's business.

I can take care of that.

How? How can you take care of that?

Ta-da!

Wow, you are my knight in shining armor.

Put tube "A" into slot "C."

Fine!

Just let me finish putting the stroller together first.

(feigns laughter)

You're making a mess of it.

Just hold the thing still.

(sniffing)

Looks like we're all out of hands.

I've wanted this for so long.

I know.

You are one sexy Scotswoman.

(moans)

You are hotter than a pan of haggis.

That's so dirty.

Oh, I'm sorry for all

the insulting things I've said about you.

That's okay. Most of them are true.

(whispers): The fox has left the hen house.

It's just us. We don't need a code.

Copy that, Flying Squirrel.

How much time do we have?

Twice as much time as we need.

(both moaning)

Your pants are vibrating.

I'm sorry. This has never happened to me before.

No, it's your phone.

Oh, right. Of course.

'Cause I can go for hours.

Man!

I'm sorry, Olivia. I've got to go.

I've got to go help Billie and Zack.

So you just drop everything and run whenever they call?

God, you are such a little bitch.

You're the bitch, bitch.

(both moaning)

Okay! Okay.

I'll be right back, okay?

Just don't go anywhere.

Start without me.

Well, the mop isn't in there.

I just don't know where it could be.

I better go fill out a report.

Wow.

I'll never be able to hear the words "policeman's ball" again

without laughing.

You noticed that, too?

There's something there.

Hey, buddy, can you move?

(moaning)

I'll take that as a "no."

Okay, new plan. We're going to fashion a cow costume

out of this gauze, and then we'll just mosey on out of here

like a cow walking out of a hospital.

I've got to tell you,

this whole adorable thing that normally works for you--

it's not really working right now.

How about now?

Hey-- look, look, look!

I know you're 22.

And you should be able to screw up and laugh it off,

and as soon as you take your shirt off, everybody loves you.

I was the same way.

But we have to grow up, and we have, like, three weeks

in which to do that, because I don't think our baby

is going to find any of this funny.

(sighs)

Are you crying?

I don't know.

It might be the bleach.

You're right, I'm sorry.

Okay, I can grow up in three weeks.

I mean, I learned sophomore year Spanish in three weeks.

Really?

Oui.

Why would I think anybody would care about me?

Do you want to try walking down the red carpet again?

What? Did you not hear the names they called us?

And that was off the top of their head.

Now they've had time to think.

The only people getting their pictures taken are fancy people.

Or someone standing next to fancy people.

There are bodyguards. It's all roped off.

We can't just run up there like they're giving away hams.

Or can we?

What are you doing with your epi pen?

Did you touch a peanut? Or get stung by a bee?

Roll up your pant leg. Let's do this.

Just go with me.

We're having an emergency.

Oh. Oh!

Did anybody lose an epi thingy?

Oh, my God! It's my husband's!

(gagging) He just touched a peanut!

Coming through! Excuse me!

Emergency! (gagging)

I love you so much.

(grunts)

You saved my husband's life!

You a nurse?

Yes.

Is this your station?

Yes.

Is that a supply closet?

Yes.

Would you say that supply closet

is the supply closet directly across from the nurses' station?

Yes.

And we're on the third floor?

Yes.

And that's a gurney blocking the supply closet

directly across from the nurses' station on the third floor?

Yes.

And would you ever consider going out with me?

No.

Then what the hell's my father doing

in the hallway?!

We're leaving, Dad, immediately!

Sir, you cannot move the gurney.

We're waiting for his stone to pass.

Is everybody still staring at me?

Yes, they are.

How's my hair?

I don't think they're staring at your hair.

(cell phone chimes)

Oh. Got an e-mail from my mom.

Oh, my God.

It's all over the Internet.

Are you okay, honey?

Are you kidding?

My boob is a celebrity!

(laughing)

Davis, what's the rush?

Well, I was working on a crossword puzzle

when you guys called and, uh, you know that feeling you get

when you get halfway through a crossword puzzle

and it's just lying on your couch

waiting for you to finish it?

I'm going to go home, finish the crossword puzzle,

turn it over and finish it again.

God, I love crossword puzzles!

Slow down!

(siren blares) Or that will happen.

Oh, my God! It's Officer Ravitz.

What?! This guy is all over our ass today.

Okay, new plan. Yep.

Um, we had the baby... Mm-hmm.

...after a grueling 15 minutes of labor,

and I'm still at the hospital. Yep.

You guys are racing home to get me my favorite nightgown.

Yeah. Because this was

a really painful experience,

and I'm tired, and I just want to relax.

Yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-- save it for the big day.

Come on, come on, come on.

(groaning)

(grunting)

(grunting)

Officer Ravitz!

Or should I say, Uncle Officer Ravitz?

She had the baby? Already?

It was beautiful.

Except for when the poop came out.

Yeah, that was humiliating for everybody.

I almost didn't finish my burger.

Yeah, we were just racing home to pick up a few things,

but I'm glad you pulled us over,

because, well, we haven't settled on a name yet.

So, well, let's just cut to the chase.

What's your first name?

Marion.

Marion.

Done.

That is so sweet.

Go on home, Daddy.

Fetch your woman her things.

BILLIE: Ow! Son of a bitch!

What the hell was that?

I... bought the baby a Tickle Me Elmo doll.

He's teaching kids to say the craziest things these days.

BILLIE: Sweet mother of God!

This thing is really coming out of me!

Yeah, you'll be hearing that on the playground real soon.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

(Billie moans)

BILLIE: Zack, we're having the baby!