Original subtitles

I'm not sure how I feel about

you guys blowing on my table for two hours.

I can't talk now.

Must save breath! Yes!

(laughs)

(groans): Oh.

Feeling a little light-headed.

(high-pitched): Awesome.

Hi. Hi.

Here's something addressed to you

from Genesee High School.

You guys were the Bombers, huh?

I like those cute little smiley bomb mascots you have.

Yeah, our hometown is where they made all the nuclear bombs.

A little less cute now.

ZACK: Dude, sweet.

It's our five-year reunion.

Five-year reunion?

What's the point of that?

It's only fun if more time has passed,

and everyone's made a bunch of terrible choices.

Then you see some real disasters.

You know, people whose lives

aren't going anywhere.

Or maybe five years is long enough.

We'll have fun!

Oh. Uh, we?

Oh, I just thought you and I... No, that's fine. I just thought...

Do you not want me to? No, I just assumed you...

'Cause, I mean, I... Because we all...

I mean, I was just...

I'm sorry, I was just trying to fit in.

Look, if-if you want to go, I want you to go.

Great.

So wait, I'm going, right?

Yeah, yeah.

(groans)

I am so large!

All right, I give up.

Punch two arm holes in a shower curtain

and let's just do this.

Sweetie, you barely fit into the closet

that you're pulling clothes out of.

Why would you invite yourself

to his high school reunion?

Why don't any of these shoes fit my feet?

Oh, what's happened is, your feet

are growing to support the extra pressure from your massive body.

It's nature's way of

keeping you from toppling over. (chuckles)

But in anticipation of this problem,

we did a little inventive shopping.

Oh, yes.

We bought you a pair of shoes in your new size.

"Discreet Transition."

That's a tranny store.

I'm not gonna wear tranny shoes!

That is a line I will not cross.

Oh, my God, these are really cute.

And so are you.

And so, in case you have a moment of insecurity,

I want you take this pre-pregnancy photo

out of your purse and look at it,

because you will look like this again.

(sighs)

Except your feet.

And your boobies.

(laughs)

Oh, and your lady business. Ooh!

All right, you stay out

of my lady business.

I'm gonna be fine.

I'm gonna be more than fine.

I am going to make this Saturday night my bitch.

Wait. Saturday night?

That's when you said you'd host that cocktail party

so that I can sell my Acai Magna.

Saturday night's my bitch.

What is Acai Magna?

Oh, what a good question, Olivia.

If I told you I had a miracle juice

that could deliver antioxidants and help fight free radicals,

how much would you be willing to pay?

$600?

(blows raspberries) $800?

I promise. (sighs)

Use this for one night, and you will feel relaxed, energized,

with a huge smile on your face.

Where do I put the batteries?

Oh. Grow up. Grow up.

* I can't be anything without you. *

Captioning sponsored by CBS TELEVISION

Come on, come on.

All right, what's the game?

Okay, it's called Awakenings, like the movie.

Yeah. Just stare off into space, work up a little drool

and try to catch the ball without looking at it.

All right.

(laughs)

Dude, I can't believe

you invited Billie to the reunion.

Oh, me, neither. How'd that happen?

One minute I'm innocently blowing a pencil across a table,

next thing I know,

I'm at the reunion with my pregnant girlfriend,

proving all the guidance counselors right.

Well, uh,

what did you tell Billie about Melissa?

Nothing. What was I gonna tell her?

"Oh, hey, Billie, let me tell you about my ex-girlfriend,

the bikini model who writes me on Facebook."

"Oh, yeah, and here she is in Maxim

wearing a snake as a thong."

Listen, Melissa is ancient history,

and regardless of how intense it was, it's over.

Also, I checked her Facebook status,

and she's in Guatemala getting photographed naked

on a Mayan pyramid.

You know, I bet if the Mayans knew she was coming,

they would have stuck around.

You guys, I cannot wait till this reunion.

It's going to be crazy.

Why would you come to the reunion?

You didn't go to our high school.

Our black guy's name wasn't Ryan.

Because I'm a reunion-crasher.

I mean, open bar, free food

and sad girls realizing

that the grand scheme just isn't working out

so now they're desperately looking for a plan B.

And that plan B is me.

All right, Davis, you're up, man. You ready?

All right. Let me show you how a pro does this.

(sniffs, sighs)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

(cries)

Damn it!

Zack?

I'm so glad you made it!

Tracy?

"Tracy DeLace.

Hot except her fa..."

How are you?

Uh, this is my, uh, girlfriend, Billie.

Hi. I'm here to give the anti-teen pregnancy talk.

I'm just kidding.

It's a miracle.

So, Zack, do you still keep in touch with Melissa?

Melissa?

I don't really remember Melissa.

You don't remember your girlfriend

for all four years of high school?

You guys were inseparable.

Remember those T-shirts that said Zalissa on the front?

Get it? Like Brangelina, except Zack and Melissa. They were really cute.

Remember when you got your period in gym class?

Memories, huh?

I'll see you out there.

H-Hey, Tracy.

I see you switched to the smaller-sized glasses

since we graduated.

Hello, Davis.

I was just doing some reading about you in the girls' bathroom.

That's still there?

It's not true, okay?

Everything seems smaller to those volleyball amazons.

Hi.

Uh...

What? Come on, girl, you don't remember me?

It's me.

Jabari.

Okay, here's a hint.

I was the black kid in your math class.

Oh, of course you were.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry?

Yeah, I heard that before.

Wow. So this is your gym.

Who's Melissa?

Oh, she was this nut job I dated.

She was definitely not pretty enough to justify the crazy.

You know, a seven in looks, but with an eleven's crazy.

Not like you, though.

You could be locked in a padded room,

and you could pull it off because you're so hot.

Where is that bartender?

So, do you still have the Zalissa T-shirt?

It's a cute nickname.

Maybe we should have shirts made up for us.

We could call ourselves Zillie.

Or Back.

(laughs)

I'm not uncomfortable.

Hey! Mrs. Leeds!

It's me,

Liz, from your homeroom!

It's so good to see you again!

Um... No.

Yeah... You guys, it's Mrs. Leeds!

She rocks!

Oh, my God, Mrs. Leeds, are you pregnant?

I am not Mrs. Leeds, and please stop shouting that.

This is my girlfriend, Billie.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

You look exactly like Mrs. Leeds, though.

Well, I'm not.

Don't worry about it, though.

People on the street stop me all the time

and mistake me for Mrs. Leeds.

They also mistake me for Uma Thurman.

Why don't you start shouting that?

(laughs)

Who's Uma Thurman?

Hmm.

By the way, Mrs. Leeds was the hottest teacher in school.

Well, ladies,

as I was saying, acai is Peruvian

for glow.

And boat.

So,

who would like to be the first to place an order

for this life-giving miracle juice?

ABBY: Okay.

(teary): Well, I just need to check on something

in the kitchen.

Oh, Abby, Abby, Abby.

I'm just gonna hit the road.

I'm in big trouble, Olivia.

I took

the money that Nick was saving

to buy that really fancy telescope,

thinking that I would make it back,

plus enough for a vacation at Sandals.

Now Nick won't get his telescope,

and there won't be hugging under a waterfall.

And when I say hugging, I mean intercourse.

All right. Look, calm down.

I think I can help you out here.

All right, now this cranberry juice

just needs a little bit of a kick, okay?

So... Aha.

Nothing like a little bit of vodka

to grease the wheels of commerce.

It isn't cranberry juice,

and changing the product is not ethical.

Look, do you want to have intercourse

under a waterfall or not?

I do. I so do.

Then get pouring.

It's really etched in there.

Mm.

If it takes me all night, I'm gonna scrape this thing out,

because it's not true, okay?

I'm, I'm normal.

I am perfectly proportional for my frame.

Nah, man, these keys aren't gonna cut it.

You got anything bigger?

My bad.

*

Hey, if we were in high school at the same time,

we'd probably be an item, huh?

Oh, yeah, I'd hit that. (giggles)

So romantic.

You'd carry my books for me...

Make out under the bleachers.

And then you'd tell your friends we did more than we did.

And then I'd be all mad at you 'cause you said that.

But then I'd do it anyway just to get back at my parents.

Mm-hmm.

Zack?

It is you!

You look so grown up!

Hey, Melissa, you look...

Hey, Melissa!

Uh, Melissa, this is my

girlfriend, Billie.

And Billie, this is Melissa,

who was not supposed to be here.

My modeling shoot in Guatemala

got cancelled at the last minute.

There was, like, a "coop" or something.

I think it's pronounced coup.

You're very wise.

Anyway, it's just so good to see you.

I love your hair like this.

And I love your hands like this.

Did Zack tell you the story

about how I got him those three tattoos on his arm?

No. Did he tell you the story

about how he got me pregnant, and we're living together?

Actually, he did.

We've been staying in touch on Facebook.

Did you see those pictures

I posted from spring break in Lake Havasu?

Oh, my God, we looked so young!

Can you excuse us just for one second?

Sure.

Love your shoes, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

My Aunt Steven has the same pair.

I really like her!

You see, this is why I didn't want to bring you.

I knew it. I knew you didn't want to bring me!

No, I think you are hot and awesome and I love you, okay?

I just thought that this might be a rough night for you.

And guess what?

It's a rough night for you.

Why didn't you just tell me about Melissa?

Because I didn't know she was gonna be here!

Well, it was a good thing that she was,

or I never would've found out

about your secret Facebook relationship.

It's not a relationship.

She sends me hot photos of herself,

and I forward them to my friends.

I'm joking.

See, tell me she doesn't

look like an older, pregnant Mrs. Leeds.

Shut it down, Liz.

Isn't it crazy how much fatter people can get after five years?

Trip McCullough's shirt

looks like it's trying to choke him to death.

I know, and did you see that woman that Zack came with?

I didn't even know you could have a baby when you're that old.

You're such a bitch.

You are.

Let's go make out with each other

to get boys' attention.

You're so pretty.

I do the same thing sometimes.

(screams) (gasps) (thud)

Hey, Jabari, having fun?

Are you kidding me, Tracy?

Jabari brings the party with him!

You know what's weird?

I was talking to some people,

and they reminded me about your accident.

Didn't you lose an arm?

Yes, he did.

Show her your prosthetic arm, Jabari.

This here's a good one.

It's Swiss.

I can make my fingers move with my mind waves.

Watch the pinky.

But it's got no feeling in it.

Watch, we love doing this.

Isn't that incredible?

Cool! Well, I have to check some more people in.

So, I'll see you guys later.

That was so much fun!

We rock!

Uh-huh!

Ooh, how much money did we make?

Oh, well, I made $3,000,

and you made a friend for life. (forced chuckle)

I don't need a friend, I need $1,500.

I want my cut, lady.

Don't make me go all Glasgow on your ass.

Okay, but I made the initial investment, so...

Yes, which you were about to lose before I stepped in, so...

Okay, you know what?

I am sure there is a way we can figure to split the money

that will be fair for both of us.

But first, a toast.

Oh.

To good friends doing honest business with each other.

(clears throat)

Ha. Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Now stop wasting good booze in that plant

and pour me another one.

Davis, what are you doing in the girls' room?

With a knife?!

Oh, yeah, well,

somebody carved "Davis has a small penis"

in the bathroom stall,

but, uh, I took care of that.

(sighs)

Don't worry about what those girls said, okay?

After seeing Melissa,

I could tell why Zack didn't want me here.

Don't worry about Melissa, okay?

She's half the woman you are.

I don't really want to get into it, but, uh,

that girl does not know the meaning of the words,

"I'm in a relationship."

Start talking or I'm gonna scream

"That guy with the tiny penis has a knife!"

All right.

When Zack and Melissa were dating,

she cheated on him with this really disgusting guy.

Me.

Davis!

I know, it's like the worst thing I've ever done in my life,

but they were, they were going through this rough patch,

and she came over to my house, all hurt and vulnerable.

Her thin blouse clinging to her supple...

Davis. Yes?

And Zack doesn't know?

No, no, no one does.

I mean, it never really seemed like the right time to tell him

because he's always been so much bigger and stronger than me.

But that's not the point, okay; this girl Melissa,

she has no boundaries, she's got no ethics.

So, if I was you,

I'd slap on some lipstick and fix up your hair and...

You don't like my hair?

I think it's fun. Yeah, it's a blast.

Now, get out there and show her what you're made of.

I'm not going to walk out there and make an ass of myself.

Billie, Melissa's moving back to San Francisco.

(sighs)

Well, if I'm gonna kick some ass,

at least I'm wearing men's shoes.

(exhales)

(driving rock beat plays)

Are these turkey sliders?

Oh!

Mmm...

(growls)

*

Why are you kissing Donny Shapiro?

Dude, I just kissed Mrs. Leeds!

(sighs)

Boy, that Donny Shapiro had a long tongue.

Look, it's, it's my fault, okay?

I should have told you about Melissa.

I was worried you were going to be jealous.

And she's young and hot, she's got a great body...

Skip to the end, skip to the end.

But...

But there's nothing for you to be jealous about.

Okay? I mean,

I never trusted her.

I never felt safe with her the way I feel with you.

I feel the same way about you.

It feels so good to be open and honest with each other.

(clearing throat)

Zack, I have something I need to tell you.

Yeah?

Remember in junior year, when you and Melissa got in that

massive fight at Rob O'Donnel's house,

and then you kind of bailed?

Well, I was consoling her, you know, 'cause she was really,

really, really sad and, uh, the really weird thing is...

we cheated on you.

Yeah, dude, you tell me every year

when you get drunk on Jewish Forgive Me Day.

I slept with Melissa, man.

She just kept coming at me.

I was like "Oy, vey!"

Oh.

Did you forgive me?

Not the first year.

The first year I beat the crap out of you.

That was you?

Man, I reported that as a hate crime.

Well, I think the most important thing

that we take away from all of this

is that forgiveness is divine.

And Melissa is a skanky ho.

I never knew that about Bette Davis. (panting)

Jabari, that was amazing.

That hand is really flexible.

Yeah, those Swiss really know how to make a nice arm.

Look, I really want to see you again, so here's my number,

and, uh, so you don't lose it.

(screams)

I'm gonna call you, girl.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org