Original subtitles

Huh, well, well, well, what do we have here?

Zero interest.

Hi, James.

Sully, haven't seen you

since I accused you of being a pregnophile.

Whatever, that wasn't even the worst thing you said.

There's something worse than that?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

That would be when she called my sister pregnant,

which she ain't.

She was a big girl.

Well, just so you know, after you said that,

my sister went down to Mexico and got a frickin' tummy tuck.

So, I hope you're proud of yourself.

So, we're good? Great.

'Cause the last article

you two co-wrote was fantastic.

You guys have real chemistry on the page.

Apparently not in person.

Anyway, I want you two

to do the cover story for the Sunday magazine.

The Sunday magazine?

I slept with you for three years,

I never got the Sunday magazine!

Oh, my God, thank you.

Yeah, that's amazing!

This is gonna make my mother a superstar in her church group.

And her gun club!

The Rock has agreed to be on the cover, which is great,

because well, I'll get to have my photo taken with The Rock.

And with the way things are going around here,

this would be a good time to do a really good job.

Look, Sully, I just want... Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

Don't even bother, okay?

I don't think you're a very nice person.

Sully...

Bup, bup, bup!

You heard him, with the way things are going around here,

people are getting laid off left and right.

All right, you're right, you're right, you know what?

We gotta knock this out of the park.

Yeah, we're gonna.

This is the Sunday magazine!

It's an iconic part of San Francisco, like cable cars,

the Golden Gate Bridge, and two dudes making out in assless chaps.

* I can't be anything without you. *

Captioning sponsored by CBS TELEVISION

Movie reviewers never get the cover.

A cover could be up to 3,000 words.

I usually only get a couple hundred words.

Sometimes I don't even get words, I just get stars.

This is a huge opportunity for me,

especially now when writers

are getting laid off all over the place.

Speaking of covers...

what are we not doing under them?

You two really need to get your own apartment.

Aren't you supposed to be at work?

Well, Dad...

I just got some bad news.

Found out my shifts

are getting cut at Pantry Pete's.

They say it's 'cause I was caught napping in the lettuce,

but I think we really know what's going on.

What's really going on?

I steal.

Anyway, I had

this amazing idea on the can

about how we can make some fast money.

The can is the birthplace of a lot of great ideas.

The dancer who invented the can-can,

thought of it on the can.

Please, you think this is the first idea

Davis has come up with on the can?

I got it!

A jacket that just covers your arms.

It's like the opposite of a vest.

We could call it the "Varm."

I got it!

A clothing store for middle easterners

called "Turban Outfitters."

Yeah, but this one's legit, okay?

I get a discount at Pantry Pete's,

Zack is amazing with food,

so we go into business,

we make a killing selling sandwiches,

then we buy a boat.

And then we rent out our boat for rap videos.

And then when everyone shows up for the shoot,

you sell them sandwiches.

It could be a constant stream

of delicious sandwiches and boat hos.

Yeah, I mean, I got the restaurant at night,

but I could use the extra cash.

Yeah, we whip up some sandwiches,

wrap them up in cellophane,

and then, boom, "Yes, Lil' Wayne, you may use our boat."

Olivia, why are you taking a picture of a picture frame?

Irony?

Rumor has it that you've been taking items from home

and using the paper's shipping department to sell them on Ebay.

Oh, that is insane!

Let me rephrase.

Security camera footage shows

that you've been bringing items from home

and using the paper's shipping department to sell them on Ebay.

Other than hard evidence, what else do you have?

Stop it.

Have you noticed how many people I've had to fire?

(scoffing)

Now is not the time to screw around.

Well, what do you expect

when you keep handing out 20 percent pay cuts?

I am just a scrappy immigrant looking for a better life, boss.

In a place that I thought was called America.

How you doing, Olivia?

No.

Come on, let me investigate

your Scotland yard, you know what I mean?

Look, you're too tall, you're too loud

and you've got too many freckles.

It's everything I left Scotland to get away from.

Ah, yes, Sully,

you ready to go?

Ready to start?

This is the beginning of greatness.

We're going to write the first sentence

of the first cover article either of us has ever had.

How do you think it should start?

I hate myself.

I don't think people will get that.

What's going on, you were so excited yesterday?

I don't understand, I've been chatting up that Olivia chick

for a month now and she just shot me down again.

I don't get it, I mean,

look at this.

From head to toe, lovable.

Toe to head, lovable.

I agree, even side to side, lovable.

I mean, Olivia's your friend, right?

Maybe you could

put a good word in for me with her?

I mean, because her mouth keeps saying no,

but her eyes keep saying, "Eh, I could do worse."

If I promise to do that, do you promise to focus on the article?

Yes, that is a deal.

Okay, so from now on, no more distractions.

Just focus, focus, focus.

Oh, hey, it's my boyfriend!

Hey, how are the new sandwich kings of San Francisco?

He's driving me crazy.

You should see some of his creative sales techniques.

(gruff voice) Stop!

Do exactly as I say

and everything will turn out delicious.

Think of him as an attention getter--

something to draw a crowd.

Easier said than done.

It's a fine line between entertaining someone

and asking someone to punch you in the face.

Hey, check it out.

(high-pitched): I'm your grandma.

(cackling)

What'd you say about my grandma?!

I'm not asking you to sleep with Sully,

I just want you to give him the impression that you might.

And then when the article's all done,

you can take him out to the desert

and drop him at a gas station.

Okay, I'll do it.

'Cause I know this is a really big opportunity for you

and I love you and you're my best friend

in the whole wide world.

Oh, thank you so much.

But it'll cost you.

Look, it's really simple.

All I need you to do is

to drive up the bid on my Ebay auctions.

Fine, it's a deal.

Oh, there he is.

Go over there and let the girls do the talking.

Hey, Brooklyn.

Now that I come to think of it,

I find your halting speech and your blank stares very sexy.

I knew you'd come around.

ZACK: Are you still worrying about that article you turned in?

It's not just any article.

It's the cover of the Sunday magazine.

I mean, if you're in a doctor's office and you see

the Sunday magazine sitting in the waiting room,

you think, "Whoa, this is a good doctor."

I'm so freaked out about it, I pimped out Olivia.

Oh, which reminds me, I have to bid on her Zen desk fountain.

Yeah, take that, FountainLovr4326,

I will see your ten, and raise you a quarter!

Bam!

Well, you were right about the sandwich thing.

Once I got Davis to use his powers of idiocy for good,

we ran out of every meat.

Even the pimento loaf.

And one oven-roasted turkey

with olive spread on ciabatta.

No animals were harmed in the making of this sandwich.

(humming)

Except the ones between these slices of bread!

These sandwiches will make you look huge.

Well, I think the reason you're doing so fantastic

is 'cause your sandwiches are delicious.

But it's nice to know I helped.

(electronic chiming)

Oh, that's right, FountainLovr4326.

Take it, take it, take it.

Who's your daddy?

(typing)

How about a little bit of that over here?

Hey, tiger.

Hey, sexy, what are you up to?

Oh. A piece on how the board of supervisors

finally passed an ordinance on the new occupancy tax.

That's hot. (Olivia chuckles)

Remember you said you had a surprise for me

when Billie and I finished our cover article?

Yeah. We finished.

Oh. Well, then.

I'm not going out with you.

Surprise!

You know, your, uh, friend led me on

in a really weird way.

As soon as she found out we were done

with the article, she just blew me off.

Yeah, I don't think she's right for you.

Hey.

What about Diane up in the opinion section?

My opinion: she's super slutty.

That's good. That's good.

I like where your head's at.

Hey, uh, have you heard from James

about any feedback on the article?

No communication whatsoever.

It's almost like we're still dating.

There you are.

Look, we worked really hard on this,

and it's my best work and Sully's,

and I think it's really inconsiderate of you

to take so long to give us our feedback.

The article was great.

Ah. Well, thank you for saying that.

See, we worried for nothing.

Not that my opinion matters anymore.

I'm leaving the paper.

What?

I was fired.

I was sick of firing employees.

Felt like I was breaking up with people

over and over and over,

and not having sex with any of them.

Well, Cindy.

Well, at least Cindy went out with a smile on her face.

From where I was standing, I can't confirm that.

Anyway,

corporate fired me because I wouldn't fire any more people.

James, I couldn't be more upset about this

if it had happened to all of us.

Is it going to happen to all of us?

It could.

They're just going to bring someone else in,

and they're going to keep downsizing.

So, we're screwed.

And not in the good Cindy way.

I'm more screwed than you, you Scottish tease.

You don't owe a bookie named Piggy Gonzalez 45 grand.

She's a very violent woman.

How am I going to tell the 22-year-old father of my baby

that we may lose our health insurance?

I mean, you guys don't have anyone to go home to

who has to hear this bad news.

Oh, thanks for that. That's nice, Chase.

Maybe I'll give Cindy a call.

Genius day, dude.

Your idea of standing outside of Curves around lunchtime--

you kind of blew my mind.

Yeah, after 30 minutes of low-impact walking,

those sweaty ladies really feel like

they've earned a sandwich or two.

And you got a few numbers, am I right?

Oh, you're right.

I'll check back in six months

and see how they're doing.

Hey, guess what.

Thanks to your awesome advice,

Davis and I made $75 each today.

Who's a pimp now, sucker?

I'm making it rain. I'm making it rain!

Dude, it looks like she's about to cry.

Stop making it rain.

(sobbing)

What's happening?

Thank God strippers don't act like that

when you throw singles at them.

(snorting, crying)

Um...

did they not like the article?

They loved it.

James got fired, and from what he was saying,

it looks like I could be next.

Holy crap.

What are you going to do?

How are you going to pay for everything?

This place is really expensive.

Not helping!

I-I'm... I'm sorry.

I've never had a girlfriend

with a job, so I never had a girlfriend who might lose one.

This is what a real crisis is like.

(sobbing)

Uh-huh.

Um, okay, well, if it's any consolation, our...

our sandwich business is really taking off.

How much did you say you made again?

Seventy-five dollars.

(bawls)

(sobbing): Oh, good.

Now our baby can go to college.

Hey, guys.

How's it going in here?

She's going to get fired.

Oh, my God, we're going to lose the apartment!

JAMES: Alan...

Alan...

I'm going to miss our talks.

This is the first time you've ever spoken to me.

Good talk, Alan.

(sighs)

You all right?

Oh, well, you know...

15 years of my life,

and it's all down the tubes. Huh.

Hey, you were a huge part of a lot of people's lives.

The mayoral scandal,

the gay marriage coverage.

This newspaper brought Sudoku to the people of San Francisco.

(chuckling)

I've got something for you.

(gasps)

It's my cover.

Oh! There's my name.

On the cover.

That's The Rock next to my name on my cover.

Wow.

Seeing this reaction made it all worthwhile.

Oh!

Thank you so much.

You know, people that get the cover story get noticed.

You don't need a résumé.

You just show them this.

So, my name was on the list to get fired?

You don't think I took a bullet for Alan, do you?

(sighs) I don't know how I'll ever thank you.

Run away with me.

Wow, you're really late with this.

I know.

Run away with me.

You've been drinking a lot.

That's why I didn't say, "Drive away with me."

I screwed up.

I never should have let you go.

Dump the 22-year-old, and you'll never have to worry

about anything for the rest of your life.

You know I can't do that.

And tomorrow morning, when you wake up,

you'll be really relieved I didn't.

Can't blame a guy for trying.

Ah, you know, I'm good-looking, I'm rich.

I'll be okay.

Yeah, you will.

This isn't the first time

I've been screwed over, you know.

See, when I started out, I was stationed in Chechnya.

That's it.

Listen, about before,

Billie strong-armed me into pretending I liked you,

so that you would finish the article.

Ouch.

So, you were, uh, never really into me?

Not really.

You were pretending, huh?

Yes.

Well, can you pretend some more?

Maybe, you know, like, till breakfast?

Oh, will you buy me breakfast?

Oh, yeah, I got a two-for-one coupon.

Don't spoil it.

Come on, let's go.

Hey, I heard what happened with James.

Are you all right?

We're going to go comfort each other in a sexual fashion.

Come on, Bagpipes.

Let's see what you can do.

(slaps)

What if Billie does actually lose her job?

And then the baby comes-- that's not going to help.

Yeah, it's not like the baby

can help pay for the apartment.

(sighs)

Unless...

No. No, you can't do that.

No, that could screw a kid up.

Unless...

Wait, what are you talking about?

Hey, what are you talking about?

On the count of three,

we both say what we're talking about.

All right.

One, two, three.

Baby model. Sell the baby.

Sell the baby? Yours is better.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Hey. How you doing?

A little better.

Look, look, look.

It's the cover of my article.

Yay, applause, applause, ticker tape parade.

Where's your name?

Oh, it's that teeny, tiny thing right here.

Oh, yeah.

You really got to get your nose

in between The Rock's legs to see it.

Cool. You hungry?

When was the last time you saw me not eating or crying?

It has been a while.

Anyway, I made you a real dinner.

It's, like, hot and everything.

Mmm.

What's this?

It's your new home office-- if you get fired--

for all the brilliant things you're going to write.

And it's portable, so maybe you're inspired here,

or maybe you're inspired in the living room,

or maybe you're working and I want to come kiss you,

so I push it away.

It's perfect.

I felt like I kind of flipped out before,

and I just wanted to show you that no matter what happens,

I can throw together a few cheap items

to temporarily make you feel better.

Well, it's working.

Mmm!

I got us something, too.

I accidentally outbid FountainLovr4326

on Olivia's Zen desk fountain.

It cost me $47.10, which is sad,

because it retails for $8.99.

But it's supposed to be beautiful.

You plug it in, and it creates a soothing mist,

like you're in a Japanese rainforest.

(whirring)

(click, whirring stops)

Son of a bitch.

So, tell me a little bit

about this breakfast that we're going to have.

Well, it's all you can eat,

and I like to get my money's worth,

so let's work up an appetite.

Okay.

Let's put on a show for the security guards.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org