Original subtitles

Previously on Accidentally on Purpose...

I'm thinking of going home

with a guy who may be significantly younger than me,

and I just need to know

if the situation is empowering or desperate?

Is he over 18? Yeah.

Empowering.

I'm just not a one-night stand kind of person.

I just never do things like this.

Oh.

So this is the spot where we...?

Yep. Okay.

Your first pregnancy test.

That's adorable.

Yay! No!

My God, a nursery.

Shane did the bears.

He's better at skulls, but we went with the bears.

I really like what you bring to my apartment.

You want me to stay? Yeah.

I miss you.

You should miss me.

I'm fantastic.

Remember our whole boundaries conversation?

Yeah, but when you said "Don't touch my stuff,"

I thought you meant like your soy milk and your computer.

No, I meant don't touch my stuff.

Baby? Yeah, she's having my baby.

Cool, huh?

What? I've got to update my Facebook status.

DAVIS: Oh, yeah.

I assumed video figure skating would be physically hard.

I had no idea it would be this emotionally demanding.

Dude, why are you playing as a girl?

Because when I spin around, my skirt comes up.

I'd like to see that.

You got a tight little cartoon butt.

You know, at first I wasn't really down

with you moving in with Pregnant Lady.

I mean, this setup is so much better than my place.

No roaches, no mold...

(doorbell rings)

It's a box.

Billie! Box!

Oh, did you see that?!

Did you see me stick that landing?

Yeah.

You look good as a small Asian woman.

I think it's from your office.

Huh.

Oh, it's from James, my ex-boyfriend.

He sent my stuff back.

All the little reminders

that I purposefully left at his house

have now been returned to me.

Well, that's kind of a kick in the nuts.

That is the move of a true breakup master.

No CDs hitting you in the head,

no chicks doing little chick punching.

Yep, this is definitely how I'm gonna break up

with my first girlfriend.

Dude, enough.

All I'm saying is, if she was remotely good in bed,

he would have delivered the box himself

so he could hit that one more ti-- Ow!

What the heck was that?

My chick punch.

* I can't be anything without you. *

Captioning sponsored by CBS TELEVISION

He mailed you the box?

Oh, that is the work of a breakup master.

So I've heard.

Why did I date the breakup master?

Why can't I meet the relationship master?

Oh, n-n-n-no.

So did you open the box?

No, it's too painful.

The only way I'd be able to do that is

if I got plastered first, but I can't do that

because, apparently, that's bad for the baby.

Mama loves you.

James.

Uh, yes, Bob,

uh, I understand your point of view.

(clears throat)

There's nothing in your ear.

I, uh, had a chip installed.

I got your lovely box.

So we're good? Great.

I'm just glad that douche is out of her life, with his car

and his man- tan and his...

package delivery service.

Zack, you are right down the hall from her

and you're a good guy and she's having your baby

and bang-- just like that, he's married.

(both laughing)

Come on, that-that is insane.

No, it's not. Know why?

'Cause it happened to my cousin Earl.

Oh, I heard that dude was a * playa.

Was.

You want to know what he plays with now?

His kids.

Guys, guys, don't stress him out.

She's not going to try to marry him.

She's just going to mold him

into a boring, funless drone

whose sole purpose in life

is to accompany her to the fabric store.

I mean, Shark Week?

That's canceled.

Peeing in the sink?

Finished.

I mean...

she's going to have your balls in a bear trap.

But other than that, you are all good.

Wonder if James is already dating someone else.

Maybe she needs the drawer.

She probably has a lot of stuff.

You guys are great.

It's going to be okay.

You know what?

You're right, because in all romantic comedies,

the heroine starts out in a very bad place,

like in Ghost, Demi Moore's-- her fiancé was killed,

or in 50 First Dates, Drew Barrymore had a head injury.

In Pretty Woman Julia Roberts was a frickin' hooker.

The worse it is at the beginning,

the happier the ending.

The gentleman over there sent you a drink.

Oh, my God.

Chills.

I had a terrible day, I got the box,

but now I'm moving ahead and a guy sent me a drink--

which I can't have, but still...

Holy yes, Batman.

I'm going to unbutton this button

and go over and thank him.

What? No, put those away.

(anxiously): What if he asks you out?

You're saying it wrong.

(chipper): What if he asks you out?

It's settled.

I'm going in.

(Olivia chuckles)

(no audio)

OLIVIA: Oh, look at her go.

She's giving him her number.

Hair toss, hair toss,

and walk away...

and...

He asked me out.

(Olivia chuckles)

Abby, get that snarl off your face

and laugh like I just said something funny.

Are you at least going to tell him you're pregnant?

(laughing)

At some point.

But if you don't shut up, I'm going to strangle you.

(all laughing)

I would really like to see that.

What about Zack?

Are you at least going to tell him

you're going to start dating?

Of course.

Now I am.

Do it with your top off.

I've delivered a lot of bad news that way.

I have got some bad news.

I, uh, slept with your best friend.

Phil, your iPod fell down the toilet.

They closed the Chili's next to the office.

(door closes)

BILLIE: Zack, do you have a minute?

There comes a time in every pregnant woman's life

when she has to ask herself...

...would Zack be uncomfortable if I started dating people?

Wow-- no.

I did not see that coming.

(laughs)

So you're okay with it?

Yeah! Look at you, bouncing back from the box,

and in a way I did not expect.

Well, look at you, dealing with this

in a way I did not expect.

'Cause this is working like a well-oiled machine.

A baby-making-- but in a platonic relationship--

well-oiled machine.

So I've never dated a lawyer before.

You going to put me on the stand?

I'll put you wherever you want.

Okay.

I'm really glad I sent that drink over.

I'm having a great time.

Me, too.

So, John...

What if you were watching a movie...

Mm-hmm. ...about an incredibly handsome lawyer

out on a date with a witty, effervescent movie critic...

Mm-hmm. ...and all of a sudden she says, "I'm pregnant"?

You'd watch that, right?

Are you pregnant?

A teeny, tiny bit.

Were you pregnant when we met?

Not as much.

So he reacted very badly to the fact that I was pregnant.

How badly?

Well, he was so anxious to leave,

he walked into a glass door.

Which was funny, but...

Zack is with a girl on my couch, and, apparently,

she's telling him bad news because her top is off.

(knocking)

Hello...

Hey.

Hey, I'm Heather.

I'm the hostess over at Zack's restaurant.

I sat you the other night.

Um, table 32.

Yes, yes.

I didn't recognize you without your name tag,

which is normally on your top.

Zack, can I see you in the kitchen

about some important kitchen topics?

(clears throat)

What's up?

W-W-What are you doing?

I'm on a date. Dates happen outside the home.

When you have money.

Are you sure you're okay with this?

Because you're not acting like half of a well-oiled machine.

I am.

What do you want me to do-- help you get her pants off?

Is that a real question?

No.

Okay, okay, look,

we'll, we'll just stay out of the living room.

All right? Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

I just need to know something.

Does it bother this girl at all

that I'm about to have your baby?

No, that's what's so great about this.

She thinks it's cool I'm sticking around,

so thanks to you, I'm like a hero.

Glad I could help.

So... how'd it go with the

Ho-Ho-Hostess Cupcake?

Did you get to the creamy center?

Very subtle, dude.

Thank you.

Well, I took her back to my room and then--

You know how it's going to be the nursery

with the bears on the wall?

So you're saying the bears talked you out of it?

Okay, first of all, I didn't say they talked.

And it was just that one bear.

The other one was kind of cool.

Weren't you listening?

Did you eat one of those special brownies I left in the freezer?

They're not in the freezer.

You're making them right now.

Excuse me, time and space police.

I don't know, man. Everything in the nursery reminds me

I'm going to be a dad, and what can I say?

I just didn't want to do it in there.

So take her to your van.

I love having sex in your van.

Okay, how's this for my online dating profile?

"Slightly pregnant woman seeks mate."

For the record, I object to this whole thing, and...

Hey, how about this one?

Okay.

"Single mother-to-be likes to dance?"

Hey.

And I think any guy who would want

to go out with a pregnant woman is going to be weird.

And you should listen to me, because I'm your sister.

And I'm the only one here in a mature, committed relationship.

However, I will say that headline is adorable.

Yay, and done. And send it.

BILLIE: Hey, do you have a knife?

ZACK: Yeah.

'Cause apparently,

not only is this box hard to open emotionally.

It's also hard to open physically.

Wow, that's a lot of knives.

They're my chef's knives.

Hmm. What you doing?

Looks like you're covering the bears.

Yeah. You know those adult hotels

that have those different rooms to have sex in?

Like the jungle room and the heart-shaped room

and the mirrored room?

Mm-hmm. Well, none of them have the nursery room.

Well, at least you got some action.

All I got was a handshake and a, "Good luck with that."

Man, it's hard to date when you're having a baby.

Yeah, it sucks.

This is a weird conversation, huh?

Well, it's the first time I've had it.

Ah, yes, got it.

Here's your knife.

It's a little gluey.

Yay. (laughs)

(sighs)

Oh.

Want me to leave?

No, please don't.

This box contains the memories

of the most meaningful relationship I've ever had.

Yeah, well, just for the record,

that guy's a giant douche.

And...

go.

And... open the box.

See? That wasn't so bad.

Ah.

No, you're right.

Couple of earrings, half a deodorant.

Condoms?

Oh, my minty floss.

Holy crap.

Sweet.

These aren't mine.

Douche.

Good morning.

Up or down?

I'm going down.

So, when I got that box...

Here we go.

I was scared to open it, you know?

Because I thought it was gonna bring up all

of these emotions and regrets,

like, maybe I made a huge mistake breaking up with you,

but then, surprise!

Another woman's underwear!

Billie... I just want to know.

Did our relationship mean anything to you?

Because if it did, you wouldn't have put

another woman's underwear in my box.

Can I get a word in here?

Sure. Okay, first...

No, I changed my mind.

It doesn't matter.

'Cause you know what I should be doing?

Thanking you.

Thank you for saving me from a lifetime

of finding other people's underwear in my boxes.

And for your information, I'm going on a date tonight.

With a man. Another man.

(elevator doors open) A great man.

(sighs)

They're yours.

We bought them that day in Paris.

Mmm. Okay.

How about... these?

Whatever.

(with French accent): I am-- how do you say--

tipsy?

So, how are you?

Still all handsome and stuff?

What do you think of me?

I mean, it didn't work out between us,

but I would never intentionally hurt you.

You broke up with me.

I guess...

getting that stuff back just hit me harder

than I realized.

Hey, you want your underwear?

Sure.

So, awkward high-five?

I hope this date turns out to be all you're looking for.

I have a good feeling about it.

BILLIE: So, about my Internet date.

Um, he's married.

And on top of that, his wife's pregnant, too,

and we have the same doctor,

and I asked him to leave.

Uh, just plop 'em both down here.

And bring some ketchup, too.

I don't want to say, "I told you so,"

but I told you, so, good-bye.

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

He ordered lobster and left, and you like this place.

Come down here.

I will take a pass on that.

Why? You love lobster.

Well, because, as I said earlier,

I am in a healthy, mature relationship,

and I am having sex with my husband right now.

Okay! All right!

(Abby moaning)

Then why did you answer the phone?

Because I've entered several sweepstakes.

Oh! Okay.

(sighs)

Hi, James.

I feel bad about the elevator yelling.

And I'm at that place we love on Filmore.

My date ended early for classy reasons, and...

I wanted to buy you a drink

to thank you for buying me the underwear,

which turned out to be surprisingly breathable.

Hey.

Hey! What are you doing here?

I thought you were on a date.

I was.

How'd it go?

This van is great!

And... no bears.

Anyway, Abby called,

and she kept on saying, "Okay, all right,"

which was strange...

...but whatever.

Um, I thought you might like some company.

Is the gentleman joining you?

Yeah, okay.

So...

your date left early.

I gotta tell ya,

there's a reason why

Julia Roberts was never pregnant and single

in any one of her movies.

Turns out it's a lot harder to overcome than being a hooker.

Billie... don't worry about it.

You are beautiful, and you're funny,

and you got a cool job,

awesome TV, insurance.

Any guy would be lucky to have you.

Well, in a stunning reversal,

this has now become a good night.

To more weird conversations and fewer boxes.

And to you buying me a new knife. (laughs) Yeah.

Seriously. It's destroyed. Hmm.

Thanks.

You got two desserts?

Shut up.

(whispering): Psst! Zack!

How long am I supposed to wait in the van?

This is some excellent food, Pregnant Lady.

That's just 'cause you're more baked

than the food you're eating.

No. No, you can tell.

This food comes from a classy place.

You know, like the kind of place that puts ice in the urinals.

I love peeing on ice.

It's like having laser heat eyes, but with your pee.

Did I say that thing about my pee out loud,

or just think it?

You just thought it.

Wait a minute.

Then how do you know that I asked you that?

Ask us what?

Are we talking right now?

Seriously, can anyone hear me?!

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org