Original subtitles

- Tonight on "Acapulco H.E.A.T."...

- Hey!

- Ah!

(gunshots) - Oh!

(man screams)

(gunshots)

(tires screeching)

(woman) - ♪ Ah, can you feel it ♪

♪ Burn inside ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪

♪ Sweat drippin' down my spine ♪

♪ Makin' me hazy ♪

♪ Wet fingers touchin' mine ♪

♪ Makin' me crazy ♪

♪ Out on the street ♪

♪ I feel the heat ♪

♪ I feel, I feel, I feel the heat ♪

♪ I feel, I feel, I feel the heat ♪

♪ I feel, I feel, I feel the heat ♪

♪ I feel, I feel, I feel the heat ♪

♪ Deep in the darkest night ♪

♪ I feel the motion ♪

♪ Keep all my love alive ♪

♪ Come to the ocean ♪

♪ Out on the street ♪

♪ I feel the heat ♪

♪ I feel, I feel, I feel the heat ♪

♪ I feel, I feel, I feel the heat ♪

♪ I feel, I feel, I feel the heat ♪

♪ I feel, I feel, I feel the heat ♪

(man whistling)

- Okay!

(whistling)

(woman straining) - Ah!

(whistles)

(whistles)

(whistles)

(people whimpering)

- Oh!

- Hey!

The bank doesn't have enough money for you guys.

You have to take mine?

(woman screaming) Animal!

No, no, no!

Let her go, let her go!

(man whistling)

- Not my ring.

(whistles continue)

(woman gasps)

- It's a family heirloom.

I'm mad, I'm really, really mad now.

(gun cocks) (man whistles)

(whistles)

- Can't park here.

Hey, move along, move along.

Oh!

(gunshot)

(guard screams)

(gunfire)

(tires screeching)

- Ah!

Damn it, Tommy, that's not fair.

- That is why you fail.

- I wasn't ready. - Yeah?

Well, that's what happened last time, you weren't ready.

We were getting knocked all over the place

even though we were the favorite-- hey!

(Tommy laughs)

- In a pig's eye.

We lost because you were too busy looking at that bimbo.

- Oh, yeah? Yeah, you think it's easy

trying to push somebody... - Come on!

- ...while a dozen screaming females

are trying to knock you off balance.

- Tommy! - You go ahead and try it.

You won't see how easy it is.

You see how easy it is.

(overlapping arguing)

I can tell you the whole thing...

- Hey!

We've been robbed!

- What? - Oh!

- You okay? - No, I'm not okay.

- Well, what happened? - They took our rent money.

- Oh, no. Oh, no.

We have a serious problem.

- They took my ring.

- How are we gonna pay our rent?

- The ring that my grandmother gave me.

- I haven't a clue.

- And next week's salaries.

- What do you think, Tommy?

- That ring was a family heirloom.

- We're at a bank. We can take out a loan.

- Oh, what, from the fat chance department?

We are flat broke.

- It belonged to my grandmother's aunt

on my mother's side.

- We got-- salaries?

Did you say salaries?

(all) - Did you say salaries?

- Yeah.

- You let them take our salaries?

- I did not let them take anything.

Our salaries were in the deposit bag

along with the rent money, capisce?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, there goes my new old truck.

- Can't eat a truck. There goes food.

- My ring. - My truck.

- You should've seen it, Kootch.

Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam! Just like the Terminator.

(chuckling) - Frankie?

- Yeah? - Can I see your pistol, please?

- Sure. - Thank you.

(coughing, gasping)

- Why did you do that?

- Perfect bank job

and you gotta start doing Arnold Schwarzenegger?

What did I tell you guys, huh?

No talking, no shooting.

- It was an accidence, Kootch. My finger slipped.

- Because of your accident, I had to shoot a guard.

Now, do you know what they do here when you shoot someone, hm?

They return the favor with a firing squad.

(Frankie coughs)

You see this? This is what keeps us safe.

Look, we only have a few more weeks to score for a lifetime.

- I'm sorry for my finger.

- Sorry don't get it done and I'm three hours late.

Now, Chelsea flew in this morning,

and I've gotta get to the hotel.

She's gonna have a fit.

- Yeah, what do you want us to do

about the watches and jewelry?

- Let me see that stuff, huh?

Hey, yeah, this'll get me out of the dog house.

- But it's fresh kill. - No.

No, I bought it off a tourist at the airport.

Needed airfare home.

- Works for me.

- Shut up and let me do the thinking.

Now, you and Tito will unload this stuff at the usual outlets.

Frankie, you stash the weapons. - Sure, yeah.

- Oh, and Finley told me this morning that the compound

has been awarded temporary diplomatic status.

- Well, that means we are diplomats.

(chuckling)

Yep. - Oh, yeah.

You just get a top hat and taps, huh?

Now, remember, you guys are supposed to be part of my staff.

That means you keep the peace non-violently.

- What do you want us to do if somebody gets out of line?

- Then you get 'em back in line.

You just do it without busting their heads, got it?

- Busting heads, I like that, very American.

- I'm gonna bust you in a minute

if you don't do exactly what I say.

Finley Fairfax is a world-famous peace activist.

He smells blood, we lose our nest.

So, kiss his ass.

Be cool, don't make waves.

We have the perfect hideout here,

not to mention diplomatic immunity.

It's just too beautiful for words.

- And you have Chelsea.

- And there's certain things a man doesn't share.

- Playing caped crusader again, huh?

- I was trying to hide our deposit bag.

- I'm just glad you're not hurt.

I mean, not, like, hurt really... really bad.

- You think you got anything we can move on?

- Just the remote. - Well, let's see.

We got three robbers on the inside

and one outside in the getaway car?

- That's correct. They were wearing mask.

And they didn't talk, they whistled.

- Whistled? - Yes, whistled.

- They didn't say anything at all, they just...

(whistles) ...whistled.

- They said a lot, but with whistles.

They signal each other.

One of them was going to shoot me.

The leader stopped him with a whistle.

- How do you know he was the leader?

- Because he acted like the leader.

He's the one who shot the guard, and this much I know,

they were Americans.

- Come on, Nicole, they were wearing masks.

And if they didn't talk, how could you possibly know

they were Americans?

- Maybe they were whistling "The Star Spangled Banner".

- Listen, people, we have to get a paying client fast

or else we're gonna be really poor.

- Yeah, I'll go talk to the bank manager.

Come with me.

- I don't know how I know.

I just know I know.

And you know that when I know, I know.

I want my ring back.

- I know.

- I don't suppose you have a macrobiotic menu?

No, no, of course not.

Not economically feasible.

I must say, you have an excessive amount

of meat on this menu.

No offense, I'm a vergan.

It's a true vegetarian.

We don't eat anything that has a mother.

We're all hypocrites because we eat plants.

Uh, plants may not have mothers, but they do have feelings.

When I play Mozart, my plants flourish.

But if I play Snoop Doggy Dogg, they wither up and die.

They're just not into gangster rap.

- Have you got the time?

- Yes. (woman sighs)

- Artistic selectivity aside,

we all have to compromise and eat something or we... starve.

I think I'll have two mangoes and a glass of breast juice.

I mean, uh...

(laughing) Fresh juice.

Oh, my God, did you-- did you see her?

- Hey, beautiful, I'm sorry I'm late.

- You're four hours late and all you can say is you're sorry?

- What do you want from me, huh? Five Hail Marys?

Come on, cut me some slack.

The only reason I'm late is 'cause I stopped

and got you a little gift.

- Yeah, sure.

- You're not even curious as to what it might be?

(woman gasping) Didn't even get a ring.

- Oh, Kootch, it's so cute.

- I give you a trinket worth a few grand

and you call it cute.

- It's beautiful, Kootch, it's really beautiful.

But he's still cute.

You know, we-- we haven't seen each other for weeks.

I thought you'd be, you know, anxious.

- No, anxious isn't even a word for it.

I'm salivating.

- You've been closing a lot of deals?

- Left and right, Baby Cakes, closed a big one this morning.

(Chelsea sighs)

Come on.

- Where are we going, Kootch? The rooms are back there.

- We're not staying at the hotel, baby.

- Well, where are we staying?

- The compound.

- Compound? It sounds like a prison.

- It's nice, it's sort of like camping out under the stars.

- Oh, I'm not camping out

anywhere where there's no room service.

- You're gonna like it, it's very tropical.

- Well, what do you call this place, Alaska?

- It's on the beach, okay? - So is this!

Besides, I can't leave the hotel.

I entered a tournament.

- Oh, for Christ sakes, Chelsea,

haven't you won enough beauty contests?

- It's not a beauty contest.

It's a bikini joust. I entered you too.

See, I get on your shoulders

while other girls ride on other guys' shoulders,

and they try to knock me off. The one left standing wins.

- I'm not believing this.

- Oh, come on, Kootch, it'll be fun.

- You know, isn't it bad enough

I gotta carry you around on my back?

Why should I lug you around on my shoulders, huh?

- I'm staying at the hotel!

It's beautiful!

Oh!

- Hey!

(smacking) - Ah!

- Officer, over here!

A man's beating up a woman!

(Chelsea crying)

(sobbing) - Get out of here!

- Are you okay, miss?

- I'm okay. I'm fine, really.

Did you say the police are coming?

- Well, they were all the way on the other side of the lot,

but they ought to be here any minute, unless, of course,

they see another mugging on the way here.

- I need a drink.

- Maybe I should go with you... in case you go into shock.

- Okay.

- I'm Finley Fairfax.

- Chelsea Darling, with a D.

- Chelsea with a D. Well, that's catchy.

That's very regal.

You know, it's like royalty.

- Ohh...

- The leader was 5'8", 160 pounds.

The others were six feet and 6'2", 180 to 200 pounds.

Age range, mid 20s to mid 30s.

- I didn't know you knew how to do that.

I do it, too.

- What is it you do that I do that I don't know that you do?

- Read auras.

My uncle Zoran-- you remember I told you about him?

He works in carnivals guessing ages and weights.

He taught me how to read auras.

When I guess a person's age,

I am almost always right on the nose.

Of course, you have to understand, I mean,

technically speaking, if you're reading auras,

you're not really guessing.

- Well, I don't know anything about auras.

But I do know how these men move.

Too mature for 20.

Too athletic for 40.

(Cat) - The bank is not signing off.

They're afraid of offending the local constabulary.

- That's ridiculous.

Why should the police be offended?

They know less than we do.

- Oh, I know.

Anyway, I got the best deal I could.

The bank manager did say that he would pay

for any information we come up with.

- Listen, I checked with INTERPOL.

No bank crews that are whistlers.

- Likewise with the FBI.

- It appears we have a new M.O.

- INTERPOL wants us to keep them in the loop.

- Hey.

Did you describe them my ring, huh?

- Yes, Nicole, I told them.

- Ooh, thank you.

- That means, round up the usual suspects, huh?

- Joanna, down here there aren't any usual suspects.

Because nobody, but nobody is loony enough to rob a bank.

Just isn't done.

- Then Nicole was right. - About what?

- You thought they were Americans.

- Why not Europeans?

- The attitude had "Yank" written all over it.

- Just chill on the attitude for a bit.

Let's think about this for a minute, okay?

Now, these guys, they... they ripped off

all the customers in all the banks, right?

- Right. - Okay, well,

if they get caught with those goods, it's a slam-dunk.

- Hmm. Straight to jail.

Do not pass go and do not collect $200.

- Yeah, those goods are so hot, they're radioactive.

- God, I just hope they're greedy enough

to hang on to them.

- I'll get a list of personal items.

- Okay, so we split up the list.

We, uh, canvas pawn shops, jewelry distributors,

antique stores, the works.

- Hey, maybe I get my ring back.

- When I first saw you, I said to myself,

"There goes a movie star."

Have you been in any movies I might've seen?

- Well, I've been in lots of movies.

I don't know if you watch adult content.

Some people don't, but my movies are very, very artistic.

The sex scenes are very, very tasteful.

None of that trash stuff.

I'm not into kinky, if you know what I mean.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mmm, I love my Shirley Temple.

When I was in New York,

I went to some playhouse and studied the method.

I learned how to be orgasmic.

You can't fake it. They can tell, you know.

- I'm sure you'd be very convincing.

- Well, I had this one fan, you wouldn't believe it,

but there's a whole world of adult fans out there

who said that I was the best at fulfilling his fantasies.

Oh, I never knew anyone before who owned a whole island.

- I have this dream... ever since I was a kid.

I've always wanted to create my own Shangri-La.

- Oh, I've been to that restaurant!

I love Chinese food.

- Oh, no, this Shangri-La is not so much a place

as it is an idea.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Did you know there are 110 armed conflicts

going on right now around the world?

And 100 of them are civil, which is really an oxymoron.

- My boyfriend says most civilians are morons.

- These people...

they're ethnically the same people.

They live in the same place, and they're killing each other.

I mean, it's stupid.

- Oh, people should love one another.

- Exactly.

That's why I bought my island so that people can live in harmony

with no fighting, no violence.

- What's the name of your island?

- I call it Friendly Finley.

- Ooh, I like that, "Friendly Finley".

It has a nice ring to it.

It must be a nice, peaceful place.

- Peaceful and crime free.

- So, tell me, how does it look?

- You never saw so much silver.

Once we get inside, you'll think you died and gone to heaven.

(laughing) Let's do it.

(Tommy) - We'll be right back.

- Nicole, look at that ring.

We've got one like that on our hot list.

- A gold ring, about ten karats.

- Looks about right.

Uh, Señor, can we have a look at this ring, please?

- Hey!

You can deal with us or the police.

Now, take your pick.

(clears throat)

- Mmm, round, brilliant cut.

155 points.

A little more than ten karats.

Ooh, V-V-S-I.

- What?

- Very, very slight inclusion.

I'd say the color was a grade H.

Perhaps even a G.

This is a really nice stone, Nicole.

Worth about 15,000.

- Joanna, how did you learn how to do that?

- Oh, Aunt Fern.

She was a gem broker from Antwerp.

- Your mother had two sisters and two brothers.

Now, how is it possible that you have so many aunts and uncles?

- Easy-- between the four of them,

they got married 32 times.

- That's incredible.

- We had a lot of love in my family.

Wait, this is not on our list.

There's an engraving.

Hmm.

"To Max, from Mish.

Happy Hanukkah."

Gee, that is so sweet.

- All that on one ring? - It's small print.

- I'm really sorry I'm late. - Hey.

- Oh, what happened here?

- I fell.

- Well, I see you met our world-famous peace activist.

- Come on, Kootch, I'm not famous.

- Is this guy humble or what?

You're a great speaker. You hooked me, didn't you?

I've got a great idea.

Why don't we take Chelsea here and show her the compound?

- Would-- would you like to see it?

I'd-- I'd really be honored.

It's-- it's just down the beach a little ways.

Uh, it's sort of a holding place.

It's-- it's temporary housing

for the new citizens of Friendly Finley.

- It's a terrific place.

There's just no room service.

- So, how can you buy an island?

I didn't even know they were for sale.

- Well, I didn't really buy it.

It's a 99-year lease. - Oh!

So, when are you gonna move? - Pretty soon.

We have some homesteading procedures to work out first.

- Oh.

- Welcome. Welcome. Just come right in.

It's nice to see you. - Thank you.

- Everyone's welcome, we'll find you a place.

- Thank you. - Go right in.

- Say what you will,

but this real dork's got a hell of a set-up.

(imitating Elvis) - Yeah, come on, baby.

Yeah, come on.

Yeah.

Elvis.

On black velvet.

I wanna buy this.

- Are you completely out of your gourd?

- Why, what-- what's wrong with it?

- God, what's wrong with it?

Velvet paintings went out with lava lamps.

That thing's pure junk, it's not worth a dime, Tommy.

Hey, look at this.

- What?

- Isn't this Nicole's ring?

(Kootch) - What do you got for me, man?

- A couple more details.

You're gonna love this. It's a silver shop.

One guard, easy half million.

- Looks like a piece of cake.

(laughing)

- Yeah, just...

- Hi! - Hi!

- I was hoping you'd do me a favor.

- Sure, if I can.

- Kootch and I have entered a contest.

It's a charity event.

But Kootch can't make it,

so I was hoping you would take his place.

- What do I have to do?

- Oh, you won't have to do hardly anything.

Just let me mount you, then I do all the work.

You're gonna love it.

- 103, 104, 105, 106...

- All right, already, all right.

- Okay. Feeling good, huh?

So, how does it look, huh? - I couldn't get even money.

- Well, what did we give up? - Three to two.

- That means we have to bet three to win two.

That's not good.

- Not good? Hell, it's a rip-off.

- It's the best I could do.

- No doubt because of your sterling performance last year.

- What? We lost. - I know.

- You were good, but you see, you were not focused.

- And just because you're in boob heaven,

does not give you the reason to get distracted.

- You have to stay focused, Tommy.

- Don't worry about it, all right?

Stay focused, stay focused.

- Oh...

Oh, call a medic.

Tommy's eyeballs just sprung a leak.

- Hmm, hmm.

They switched our numbers.

I'm Chelsea Darling. See, I'm number 69.

- You're Tommy and Cat, right?

See, you guys are number 96.

69 and 96.

(man on P.A.) - All right, everybody, into the pool, we're starting.

- 69, 96.

(Tommy chuckling) - Yes.

- 69, hmm.

- Okay, girls.

- Let's do it! - Okay.

(people cheering)

(woman) - Fight! Get 'em!

(engine revving)

(screaming and cheering)

(men whistling)

(gun cocks)

(gun cocks)

(whistling)

(cheering)

(whistling)

(whistling)

(man) - Stop!

(whistles)

(tires screeching)

- Oh!

(tires screeching)

(gunshots)

(cheering and applause)

- God, Tommy!

- You did good.

- You gave it your best. - You were focused.

- Even when that redhead lost her bra, it didn't distract you.

- No, no, no, where is the redhead?

I didn't see no redhead.

- That's because you were focused.

(laughing)

- Hi!

I wanted to make sure you guys were all right.

- Yeah, we're fine. Congratulations.

- Thank you. - Chelsea.

It's Chelsea Darling, right? - Mm-hmm.

- And Mr. Darling, congratulations.

- No, no, I'm Finley Fairfax.

I was just substituting for Mr. Darling.

I mean Kootch.

- Kootch.

- Lennie Kootch, he's my boyfriend.

He couldn't make it.

He had an important business engagement.

So, Finley agreed to take his place.

- What business is Mr. Kootch in?

- Oh, he's a money broker,

which I don't really understand at all.

I mean, how can he buy and sell money?

Doesn't make sense.

- Well, I bet that keeps him really busy.

- If you only knew.

- Finley! You're the man who owns the island,

and you have a compound down on the beach.

- You ought to come by for a visit.

I'll show you around.

- Okay, bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

- Oh, hey, did you see it?

- What, that-- that brooch? What about it?

- I saw the same one at the bank.

- The lizard brooch?

(phone ringing) It's on our hot list.

- Yeah? When?

We'll be right there. (beeps off)

They just hit the silver shop at the plaza.

- And Kootch wasn't here. You think it was coincidence?

- Well, why should it be? I mean, you heard what she said.

- He had a business engagement.

- Yeah, making an unauthorized withdrawal at the silver shop.

- Joanna, find everything you can

on this Kootch guy and his partners, okay?

- Oh, and while you're at it, why don't you check out

little Miss Hot Pants and, uh, Mr. Friendly Finley.

- Hmm.

- Cat, darling, let's go change.

Ha! Hey, you got it.

(Joanna) - Stay tuned, the H.E.A.T. team will be back in a moment.

- 5,000's okay.

Hey, guys, we have a new client.

5,000 retainer and 20 more when we find his goods.

- Maybe, uh, sooner than you think.

- Wow.

Ooh!

(Tommy) - Man, these guys are world class scumbags.

- Leonard Irving Kootch.

Huh.

Says here he'd steal his grandmother's pacemaker

if he got the right price for it.

- Chelsea's clean. Well, not pure, but not violent.

Finley's been arrested nine times.

Peace demonstrations only.

- Perhaps then we should accept Finley's invitation.

Go in the compound and sniff around.

- It's nose around.

- You nose, I'll sniff. See what we can find.

- That might spook 'em.

- That won't stop them from another try.

They probably think they've got

diplomatic immunity or something.

- Well, the compound would be the perfect

center of operations.

- Of course.

- I had a whole bunch of foster parents.

My last ones sat in front of the TV in their EZ-Boy Chairs

eating pizza and drinking beer.

I never even saw them move.

- Finley Island. We share everything.

- Not what's mine.

We're about done here.

It's time to bail out and unload Finley at the same time.

- Yeah.

- My dad was pretty strong.

He used to tell me that life was filled with stairs.

(chuckles)

- Come on.

- You could go up or you could go down.

- Oh, gee, that is really deep.

You're a very intelligent man.

And cute.

Smart and cute are hard to find.

Most guys, you wake up in the morning,

they're hardly worth the shower.

- Hey.

That's the dirtbag that hocked your ring.

The antique dealer picked out his picture.

- Do you think he's planning a robbery?

(car starts)

- He's not in there planning a wedding.

Let's go in and talk to the manager.

- So, we've got a window over here, a window over here.

An entrance, everything.

What do you think, do you like it?

- Yeah.

- Here he is, Kootch.

- Finley, my friend.

Just the man I wanted to see.

- There's no place on Friendly Finley for weapons.

- Finley, have you ever robbed a bank?

- Robbed a bank? Of course not.

(cocking gun) - Well, there's always

a first time for everything, lover boy.

Take this.

- I'm not lover boy.

And I don't touch guns.

(gun cocks)

- Well, take it or I'll blow your brains out right here.

Get dressed, fast.

(phone ringing)

- Yeah?

- Tommy, we're catering a surprise party

and we need you. - Okay, where?

- At the palapa, you know, the palapa?

- All right. (beeps off)

(engine starts)

- Sir, aren't we taking a chance giving Finley a gun?

(Kootch) - You know, he couldn't hit a Winnebago with a bazooka.

Besides, it's not loaded.

(laughing)

- Why give him one at all?

- It's time to shut down the operation.

Give the cops someone to hang it on.

During the heist, he's a sitting duck.

Cops shoot him, we get away clean.

(chuckling)

Move it, lover boy.

(gasping)

- Oh, my God.

(Kootch) - Now, Finley Fairfax,

you keep your gun pointed on that guard.

You try any funny business, you'll be the first one to drop.

- Okay, it's about to hit the fan.

- It's Chelsea.

- Well, she picked a peachy time to show up.

(women shrieking)

(gun cocking)

(grunting)

(Tommy) - How dare you!

You bad boy!

How's that, Mr. Fong?

- Hey, girlfriend.

(laughing)

- Let's get out of here, I got a run in my nylons.

- Listen, let's go shopping,

I don't like this dress on you, you know?

- Mmm.

Can you believe it? I wanted a more glamorous name.

I changed my name to Chelsea Darling.

And now I'm going to be his queen,

Mrs. Finley Fairfax.

- Wow, well, congratulations, Your Highness.

(chuckling)

- All my life, I thought I'd end up with Roseanne.

And look what I've got.

My own Madonna. (Chelsea swoons)

- Well, good luck to you both.

- Yeah, we'll, uh, come visit you on the island.

(man) - That's great.

- We're gonna miss you, Finley.

(Nicole) - And you too, Mrs. Fairfax.

- My friends!

- Bye! - Good luck!

- Congratulations! - Come on, let's go!

- Oh, who caught the bouquet?

(chatter)

- Aw!

(chuckling)

- Get that lipstick off your face.

Gosh.

(Cat) - Acapulco H.E.A.T. will be right back.

- Show me some teeth!

(shutter clicks)

- Ha! That was awesome, man.

That thing must weigh 350 pounds.

- I wish I had gone with you. - Hey, well, next weekend

after I visit Finley on his island paradise,

I'm taking him out fishing.

- Okay.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Huh? - Oh, please.

This came for you at the boutique.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Got this at a swap meet.

This is what you call... a collectible.

I only paid 100 bucks for this thing.

The guy said in five years this thing will be worth two or $300.

- Five years, you double your money?

Oh, that's not a very good investment.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. It's what a collectible is.

In ten years, this thing could be worth 1,000 bucks.

- Ha! - Oh, that's cute.

- Yeah, you like this? - What is it?

- A collectible.

- Oh, wait until you see what I got.

I'm so excited. I cannot wait to show you this.

- Yeah? What you got?

- I paid 50 bucks for it.

I just had it appraised for $3,000.

(Nicole laughing)