Original subtitles

.

- "Abby's" is filmed in front of a live, outdoor audience.

- It was really something special, Abby.

I looked in her eyes, and I just

knew in my heart that she was mine.

- To be clear, we're talking about a fish you caught?

- Not just a fish.

A 200-pound tuna that I landed on my boat this morning.

She's beautiful, Abby. I have her on ice in my trunk.

I could bring her in here and start slicing up some sashimi.

- Hmm, would that be bloody? - Oh, yeah, very.

But you know what helps is a guts bucket.

And we would have to have someone patrolling for cats.

They're going to want in on this.

- I'm going to say no.

- Evening, everybody. all: Hey, Bill.

- I have an announcement to make.

I am no longer drinking alcohol.

I'm on a crash diet.

I'm trying to get a revenge bod.

- And what's that?

- A revenge bod is when you get into such good shape

after a breakup that your ex regrets dumping you.

- Yeah, I once revenge-bod'd a guy so bad,

he moved to Canada and went off the grid.

I think he also studied bears,

but it was mostly the revenge bod thing.

- I've just got to find some way to redeem myself, you know?

This weekend, I was enjoying a corndog outside Windmill Farms,

and I ran into my ex-wife, Sharon.

Pretty soon, I was bragging about

how many corn dogs I had eaten,

and referring to my mouth as "The Old Cornhole."

It was bad, I know.

If I could do it all over again,

I would have said something crushing, like,

"It was lovely seeing you, Sharon.

Good-bye."

- Wow, yeah, a polite good-bye

would have really put her in her place.

"Too-da-loo" would have sent her ass to therapy.

- Why don't you say what I always say when I see an ex?

"Oh, my God, hi, you just--

sorry, you just look so different."

- Ooh. - Oh, see, now, that's harsh.

'Cause different could be good,

but they know it's bad.

- Just--I wanted to have one interaction with her

where I came out on top, you know?

She got everything in the divorce.

Our house, she got all our friends,

the trivia night, our Padres season tickets.

all: No! - I know, I know.

Divorce is very hard. It just rips your life in half.

- No, not that. You had Padres tickets?

- That's what you're locking in on?

I just said I lost all my friends and my house.

- Well, we're dealing with my pain here right now, okay?

Don't make your divorce all about you.

[upbeat rock music]

♪

- We all need to know.

How did you end up with season tickets?

- My company gave them to me as a Christmas bonus

for--well, I don't really know how else to say this.

For being an amazing engineer.

[laughs]

I'm sorry for the humblebrag.

- That was not humble, and barely a brag.

- You know, if you really want to show your ex

how great you're doing, you should invite her

to come by the bar, and then ask for those tickets.

You know, to get your dignity back, or whatever.

- He's right. I mean, you could really

shift the balance of power here.

Imagine how good you'll feel at the game, sitting--

where exactly would you be sitting?

- Behind that big net where you got

the two guys with masks cuddling with each other.

- You mean the catcher and the umpire?

You're behind home plate? - Yeah, yeah.

- Bill, I know this is a song, but I mean it for real.

Take me out to the ball game.

Take me out to the crowd!

- Guys, I can't just get the tickets back from Sharon.

I can't ever get my way with her.

That's how she got the tickets in the first place, you know?

She's just-- she's really judgmental,

and it makes me feel really small,

and I end up giving her whatever she wants.

- Well, I say that it is time that you reclaim the power.

Pick up your phone and call those tickets right now.

- Easy, Fred.

You're falling out of your dress.

- You know what? You're right.

I am going to call her.

I'm going to get the power back,

just like I said I would in my intentions journal.

Whoo! - All right, you go get 'em.

- Doesn't it feel like we're selling Bill out a little

for our own personal gain? - No, no.

I genuinely think it'll be good

for Bill to stand up to his ex-wife,

and a fringe benefit is we get to go to some games.

It's a win-win.

- It's like we're angels, and he's been touched by us.

[upbeat music]

♪

- Oh, God. I'm getting pretty nervous now.

Does my outfit look okay?

Man, I can't believe she's coming today,

and I don't have my revenge bod yet.

Does anybody have, like, a woven bracelet

or a leather necklace to distract from my body shape?

- Why are you so afraid of her?

Is she one of those really intimidating women

who finds a sly way to make people feel bad?

Am I going to love her?

- She's not a monster, it's just--

I think when we first started dating,

she saw me as sort of a fixer-upper.

And no matter how hard I tried,

I was never good enough for her.

So then, I suggested we go to couple's therapy,

and she wanted to do an "Eat, Pray, Love"

and send me divorce papers from Bali.

- We've lost so many white women to that book.

- Bill, you can do this, okay? You don't need her approval.

What you need is to stand up for yourself

and get those tickets back. - I really want the tickets.

- We know, Fred. Thank you for reminding us.

- Okay, you're right. I'm just going to say

"Sharon, give me those Padres tickets back,"

and I am going to be strong, and I am going to be firm,

and--hi, Sharon! - Hello, Bill.

Hi, I'm Sharon, the ex-wife. Don't shoot!

[laughter]

- Hello. - You're so funny.

Hi, I'm Abby. Nice to meet you, Sharon.

- Oh, you too. What an interesting space.

It's so charming.

It reminds me of this restaurant I went to in Peru

that was in this lady's kitchen.

And the floors were dirt, and there were animals everywhere.

And no one even minded.

And I saw that you have bocce.

You know, in South America, they call it bolas cri-oh-las?

- Oh, do you mean bolas criollas?

- Oh, so close. Bolas cri-oh--

- Okay, Sharon, why don't--

why don't I show you around the bar a little bit?

Uh, well, this gentleman here is Skip.

He was acquitted of manslaughter, but he did it.

- Yikes! - Let's go.

- Wow, I hate her a lot.

- Did y'all see her try to correct Abby's Spanish?

Sharon will never know

how close she was to dying just then.

- Pretty cool, huh? - Yeah.

- Oh, you see that dartboard back there?

I figured out where to put it.

- Was that hard?

- Well, no, I guess not. There were angles to consider.

It was--it was a whole process.

- Well, I'm glad to see you're doing better.

Although, I'm not so sure about the untucked look.

I like the definition that a belt gives you.

Otherwise, you look like a pool noodle.

[both laugh]

- Yeah, yeah, this must have come untucked by accident.

I definitely didn't click on a link that said

"look 30% hotter with this one simple trick."

Listen, Sharon, I invited you here

because I need to ask you something.

- Oh, I wanted to ask you something too.

Did you give our Netflix password away?

Someone's been watching, like, hundreds of sad movies.

I mean, like, everything labeled

"Caucasian Teenage Tearjerker."

- [laughs]

Yeah, yeah, that--that is it.

I gave our Netflix password to a very, very sad man.

[phone rings]

- Hey, no phones allowed at the bar.

- Oh, sorry, Abby's rules.

I mean, our rules, because we're a team, you know?

She's like Batman, and I'm like Batman's chill landlord.

- So how's it going getting those tickets back?

- Oh, really great.

Uh, my self-esteem is at an all-time low,

and also, I look 30% less hot now.

.

- Okay, so it appears that Bill isn't going to be able

to stand up to his ex-wife without our help.

- Come on, Abby. Have some faith.

There's a chance that he can pull this out on his own.

- No, I really can't. Please help me.

- Okay, okay, we will.

Any ideas on how we distract Sharon in the meantime?

- Well, there is one thing,

but it's not for the faint of heart.

Someone could ask to see Sharon's travel photos.

Now, it's going to take at least an hour, maybe more.

Just--just try and skip the Jamaica album,

because you might see more of me than you bargained for.

- Okay, Bill. For you, I'll do it.

- I'll help.

I faked being interested in medicine for five years

so my parents would love me. This is my jam.

Sharon, uh, I heard you travel a lot.

Do you have any pictures we can see?

- Absolutely.

My pictures from Mumbai are life-changing.

Oh, the people live in abject poverty,

and yet, they're so happy.

I captured it all on my iPad. Let me go get it.

Hooray!

- How much battery life does an iPad have?

- You don't want to know.

[upbeat music]

- Bill, you can't let her make you feel bad about yourself.

- Well, she doesn't make me feel bad.

She just sort of explains why I should,

and it makes a lot of sense when she says it.

- All right, well, we're going to pump you up,

and make sure you can take

whatever she throws at you, all right?

Bill, you're great.

You're so tall, and you're rectangular.

And you got a lot of hair up here,

and none of that hair right here.

Someone else tag in here.

- Uh, you're smart. You're a homeowner.

You're tall. - Yeah, Abby said that one.

- You got a great memory.

- All right, buddy. You feeling confident?

- Yeah. - Okay.

It's time to get in the ring.

You can't let her tear you down, okay?

Instead, you got to tell yourself

"I'm Bill, I'm bad, and I'm loving it."

- Yeah, yeah, let's do this!

- All right, I'm going to need you

to dial it down a little bit,

but I appreciate the enthusiasm.

- You can do this.

You just got to stand your ground,

look her straight in the eye, and say "Sharon,

"give Fred back those tickets right now!

Give them to Fred! He needs them!"

- Uh-huh. Oh, wow.

Uh-huh. Oh, wow.

- Oh, and this is the third best ratatouille

I had on my trip.

People think Paris is the food capital of France,

but, spoiler alert, it's Lyon. Shh.

- But what would that be spoiling?

- Sharon, I need a word with you.

- Oh, excuse me.

- James, here's our chance. Run!

- Yeah, but run where? Madrid, Barcelona?

No matter where we go, she's going to visit.

- Okay, Sharon, there's something

that I have to tell you, and it's very important.

I'm Bill, I'm bad, and I am loving it.

- To yourself, Bill. To yourself.

- What I mean is, I would like the Padres tickets back.

- Oh, I didn't know they meant that much to you.

Sure, you can have them back. - Yes, baby!

Oh, sorry. Uh--uh--

A baby asked me a question, and the answer was yes.

- They're in my glove compartment.

Do you want to come out to my car with me and get them?

- Sure. - I keep them in there

because you never know when you can make a game.

In my case, not once.

- Not once?

And the tickets are just sitting in her car,

rotting like some-- - Giant dead fish.

[upbeat music]

♪

- They're standing by her car.

- Has she handed him the tickets yet?

- I don't know, she's just talking a lot

and flailing her arms like some sort of bohemian overlord.

- You know, Bill, since we separated,

I've travelled so much. Like, a lot.

- We know that you've been on vacation.

- No, let me finish.

What I'm trying to say is, I was lonely in Prague,

and I was lonely in Athens,

and in Rome--well, that was actually okay.

But then, in Brussels, I was wondering,

"Did I make a mistake?"

- Really? - And then you called me,

and you invited me down to the bar today,

and I just--I don't know, I started thinking.

- She just kissed him! - What?

- Let me see.

Oh, God.

Maybe he's just kissing her good-bye for the last time.

- I don't know, that's a lot of good-bye tongue.

- Wait, his eyes are still open.

I don't think he knows how to kiss.

Wait, no, he closed them. He's giving in.

No, he opened his eyes again!

It's like he's got a disease that makes him awkward!

.

[upbeat music]

- But Sharon's the worst.

Why would Bill want to get back together with her?

I mean, just because she's pretty and he's lonely,

and he hasn't really been able to date,

and he probably cries himself to sleep.

Oh, my God, they're going to get back together.

- So, I got the tickets back.

- Ooh! So many tickets!

We got game 31, game 32, game 33.

- Let me guess, game 34?

- No, they head out on a road trip for game 34.

And then, they come back for game 41, game 42, 43.

- Can I get two white wines, please?

- Sure. You doing okay there, buddy?

- You're not going to believe this, but Sharon kissed me.

all: Whoa! - Were your eyes open?

- I think she wants to get back together.

- Okay, but is that what you want?

I mean, really think about it. She's got a lot of photos.

- I get it, but look.

She's the only woman I've ever loved,

and I know that she's not perfect,

but maybe it'll be different this time, you know?

Plus, she's a living, breathing human woman

and not a hypoallergenic body pillow

that's slowly losing its shape,

so I'm going to see this one through.

- This is not good.

She's just going to break his heart again,

and that relationship almost killed him the first time.

- She's just trying to suck him in.

I'm telling you, if he gets in that car,

we could lose Bill for good.

- Yeah, but our job is done here.

We got the tickets.

- Come on, Fred. We can't let this happen.

Remember when you said that he was one of us?

Well, you were right. He is now.

- Yeah, no, you're right, I'm in.

Let's save Bill. - All right.

Here's what we got to do.

Bill is not thinking straight right now,

so we cannot let him leave with her.

- Oh, I know, I'll kidnap Bill.

Yeah, I'll bring him to my house,

I'll sit him on the couch, I'll put on a movie.

And we can pop popcorn, call our crushes.

- That's not a kidnapping. That's a 4th grade sleepover.

- All right, guys, I think Sharon and I

are going to take off. - Oh, no, no, no.

You can't go, you--you stay. You have to.

I mean, tonight is a special night here at the bar.

Very special. - Really, what's going on?

- Tonight's the night when--

- When I bring in a 200-pound tuna,

and everybody admires it,

and then, I start slicing sashimi.

- Yep, it sure is that night. Isn't it, Fred?

Tonight is our-- our special Tuna Luau night,

and if we have to be here for it, so do you.

- Aw, well, I hate to be a downer,

but I don't eat anything with a face.

- I can chop off the face. Will that make you feel better?

- Oh, but--oh, but, Sharon, it's so much more

than eating a tuna, you know?

So many special things happen. Right, guys?

- That's right. Uh, tonight is when we...

get to play with all the nunchucks

Abby confiscated from me last month.

- Yeah, that happens.

- And all the men at the bar

take off their shirts and dance.

Well, not all of them.

Just the ones I think have promise.

- And, uh, also, we dress up,

and you know, other more normal things

that might happen on a special Luau night.

- Oh, one more thing.

We all get in a big circle, and we give each other

compliments and hugs until we

all feel so warm and fuzzy inside.

- Well, that sounds so-- - So incredible, yes, I know.

Bill, Sharon, why don't you take a seat?

Fred's going to go get a giant tuna from the trunk of his car,

and we're all excited. Especially me.

.

[upbeat music]

- Okay, I have got an assortment of masks,

and my kid's Halloween costume, so...

- Hey, wait a second.

This mask you gave me, I think it's a mud mask.

- That's right. You looked a little dry.

You're welcome, Jim.

- See, guys? Isn't this special?

And we haven't even gotten to the part

where we eat a tuna Fred had in his trunk.

Yum.

- Ugh, none of this is authentically Polynesian.

Look, can we get out of here? We have a lot to catch up on.

- But this is going to be so much fun.

They do stuff like this all the time.

It's like the best part about the bar.

- I know you've, like, had to hang out here,

but why don't we go to a real bar?

You know, with cool cocktails and walls.

- Guys, I think Sharon and I

are going to take off for real this time.

- No, no, no, you can't go, no!

Because we all just nominated you.

Uh, to be the...

Tuna Pope.

- Really? What does the Tuna Pope do?

- He wears this hat,

blesses the fish, and gives a big speech.

- All right.

Okay, I think we can stay a little bit longer.

I mean, is that okay? It feels rude to leave now.

I'm the Tuna Pope.

- All right, Tuna Pope. Proceed with the benediction.

- Oh, man. Okay, uh--

today, we honor this beautiful creature,

spawned from the loins of Neptune.

- This feels right. I like this.

- And brought forth from the depths

by a fisherman of great skill and height.

- Is anybody writing this down?

- So today, we give thanks to you,

gigantic, glistening fish. Amen.

all: Amen. - That was good, yeah!

- Yay, what a great fish speech.

Can we go? This is a lot.

These people are a lot.

- Sharon, when we split up, these people were there for me.

I mean, they took me in, they gave me a Viking mug.

They were my bridge to a healthy emotional life.

- Yeah, okay, but I'm tired.

Come on, Bill. This place isn't really us.

- Well...

I'm staying. - Seriously, Bill?

Don't you think this is all a little stupid?

- Who cares if it's stupid? When we were married,

you made me do all kinds of stupid stuff.

We took flamenco classes.

I spent $5,000 on a painting of a dot.

You know what, Sharon? I think that what

I'm doing right now doesn't look stupid at all.

- It's a little bit stupid.

- Well, maybe if you took off the hat.

- The point is, this is my life now,

and I don't care if you like it or not,

because I like it.

And I like my friend, James,

who has the biggest heart of anyone I know.

Beth, she's so fearless.

And Rosie, she has this beautiful inner light,

and she just-- she shares it with everyone.

- He's doing the compliment circle!

But I'm too far to give you a hug.

- And Fred, who's the wisest person I know.

And, of course, Abby.

She taught me strength, and without her,

I would not have gotten back on my feet after our divorce, so--

[sighs]

I like who I am now, and if you don't like the Bill

that's standing in front of you right now,

then I-I don't think you really like me.

- So what are you saying?

- Well...

I guess I'm saying it was lovely seeing you, Sharon.

Good-bye.

- Oh, that's the thing! - Yes!

- Hey, wait.

These are tainted. I don't want them anymore.

- Yeah, I don't think

he's going to be letting go of those.

It was a beautiful gesture, Fred.

- I wanted to, I just couldn't.

[upbeat music]

♪

- How you doing there, Bill? You okay?

- Oh, I'm super.

- I think maybe you've had enough tuna.

That was in Fred's car through the hot part of the day.

- Thanks. Yeah, I mean,

I guess I'm still a little sad,

but I think I made the right decision.

- You're too good for her.

You're so genuine, and you wear your heart on your sleeve,

which is a rare and special quality.

- Oh, wow, Rosie. Thank you.

- I was just finishing the compliment circle.

What happened to that? We just let that drop?

- Bill, we're all really proud of you.

And we discussed it, and we decided it's time.

- It's time for what? - As a regular at Abby's...

you've earned what all our regulars have earned.

This is now your official barstool.

- Oh, wow.

I-I don't mean to sound ungrateful,

but I do sit here all the time.

- Yeah, but there's one thing you haven't done.

Watch out. - Oh, okay.

- Go ahead, man. - Okay, uh...

Hey, James, that's my chair. Wow, it feels so good!

- A toast to Bill's official seat!

- To Bill! - Hey!

Guys, I can't thank you enough.

I could not have done it without you,

and also, it was really sweet

that you made up a bar tradition just to keep me here.

- Wait, you knew?

- Yeah, I knew the second you made me the Tuna Pope.

I mean, you would never give

that high of an honor to a newcomer.

I mean, maybe I would be the Tuna Cardinal, or, uh--

you know, probably the Tuna Priest

if I'm really being honest with myself.

- It's too bad it's not a real thing.

I had fun at the Tuna Luau.

Dan taking his shirt off was a mistake,

but I'm glad I know that now.

- I never claimed to have a good body!

- Actually, Beth, Rule 77 states

that if a tradition is established by a regular,

it must be carried out in perpetuity.

- Oh, well, then, I propose a rule change--

all: Denied!

[upbeat music]