Original subtitles

.

- "Abby's" is filmed in front of a live outdoor audience.

- Hey, Abby, the jukebox

ate my quarter again. - Oh, I'm sorry about that.

We do have a box for complaints

about people losing their quarters,

but you have to write your complaint on a dollar.

So is it worth it?

- Fred, can I borrow a... a dollar?

Uh...Fred?

Fred?

- You okay there, buddy? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Totally, totally.

Fred?!

- Bill, relax. Fred left.

- Without saying good-bye?

We were in the middle of a conversation.

- That's what Fred does. He's like cotton candy

in your mouth-- it's there, then suddenly

it's a beautiful memory.

- Seriously? How do you not know this about Fred?

- I guess I always just leave before him.

You know, I do have to be up and at work by 7:30.

- Oh, my God. 7:30 in the morning?

They have that?

- Bill, it's not that big a deal--Fred just prefers

the Irish good-bye. - But we were in the middle

of a debate about eucalyptus trees.

I said that they're an invasive species

that's threatening biological diversity,

and he said... [laughs] he said,

"But the leaves smell nice." [laughs]

All right, look.

It was a great conversation. You just had to be there.

- Counterpoint--the only other person who was there

ran away.

[mellow music]

♪

Guys, I got a letter taped to my door today.

- That's never good.

No one ever tapes a fun letter to your door.

It's never, "Dear sir, we're happy

"you're getting so good at playing the drums.

Please consider getting more dogs."

- It's from Richard Allison.

- Oh. Ooh. - Who's that?

- He lives down the street. He's a pain.

He's figured out that if he threatens to call the cops

on the bar, we'll basically do whatever he wants.

- So he's extorting you.

- Yeah, I guess, but that makes it sound cool.

It's way lamer than that.

- He's the reason the bar is so dim.

Couple years ago, he complained that the lights

were interfering with everyone's star-gazing.

Now every time I do a crossword puzzle,

I go home with a headache.

- You know, I have an extra headlamp

you could borrow, Fred. It's got an LED light

and a little magnifying glass that flips down.

- Maybe. If you don't have anything nerdier.

- Yeah, I don't like that guy.

One of these days, I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind.

- No, you won't. - Yeah, I won't.

- It just says he'd "really love to come by

to discuss something near and dear to his heart."

Guys, I'm torn. I don't wanna do that,

but it sounds like he'd really love it.

- Is giving in to this guy really the only option?

I mean, there's gotta be something else we can do.

- Skip, you got away with it once--stop tempting fate!

- So get this: I work for a small shipping company.

Well, today I got a call from a bigger shipping company,

Southland Shipping, and they offered me a better job.

It's a nightmare.

- But James, isn't that a promotion?

- Pfft. Huh. Yeah. That's exactly what theysaid.

- But isn't a promotion good? - In theory.

I mean, it's also more responsibility.

Which means more things can go wrong,

and that's all on me.

- Like what? - Well, I'd be a supervisor,

which means if we have product delays or personnel issues

or somebody gets a book with a bendy corner,

you know whose phone's gonna ring? Mine.

- You can't worry about that.

People'll complain about anything.

When they call, you just say,

"Beth, calm down, and have a cocktail."

- I have until tomorrow morning to figure it out.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

- Hmm. Yeah. That is a tough one.

You want them, and they want you.

I don't know how you're gonna get outta this pickle.

- It would be amazing.

But it might be too much pressure for me to handle.

Southland Shipment--I mean,

they're like the Yankees of shipping companies.

They've had all the greats.

I'm talking Tommy Glasco, Caroline Rollins,

Doug Halverson!

You know, they call him the Prince of Tape.

- Hey, Bill,

this thing just has the scientific clues left.

You wanna finish it off?

- Oh...finishing things, hey, Fred?

Did not know that's something you cared about.

- God, what is this? And how is it about me?

- We were in the middle of a conversation yesterday,

and you just left without saying anything.

- I was going home.

It's not like I was going off to war.

Even if I was, who are you to judge how I say good-bye?

I'm fighting for your freedom!

- Why don't you support the troops, Bill?

- Look, an Irish good-bye is just being rude

and then blaming it on the Irish.

And haven't they been through enough?

I mean, I don't really know what the Potato Famine was,

but it sounds terrible!

- Sorry, Bill. I'm with Fred on this one.

I like the Irish good-bye.

Otherwise, you risk the suck-in. [slurps]

- What is the suck-in? - It's when you're

trying to say good-bye to someone, but then they say,

"Wait, I forgot to show you this video

of my three-year-old's soccer game."

Then you're stuck watching a video

of a bunch of little brats bumping into each other.

- Bill, it's not like you say good-bye

to all the back benchers when you leave,

so technically, you're being rude to dozens of people.

- Hmm. I guess you're right. Well, not anymore.

Because before tonight is over,

I'm gonna say good-bye to everyone,

because I care about people's feelings.

- Huh. Okay, quick calculation.

Say you budget 90 seconds to each good-bye.

There's about 40 people in the place,

so if you wanna get to everybody before your bedtime,

you'd better start saying good night...

mmm...about five minutes ago.

- No problem. Watch this.

[laughs] Hey-ey! Fireworks Jerry.

- Hey! - How's it goin', man?

Look, I'm taking off pretty soon in...a couple of hours,

and, uh, just wanted to say good-bye.

I'll see you tomorrow. - Oh! No, you won't.

I'mgoing to Laos.

I'm meeting my half-sister for the first time.

- [chuckles]

[slurps]

[mellow music]

- I wish James would take this new job.

He'd be so good at it--

packing the boxes... better than he did before.

I don't have a firm grasp on what he does.

- Poor guy just gets in his head.

He can't even leave voicemails.

He just keeps recording and deleting

until his phone runs out of battery.

- Might be a job for "Tequila Jimmy."

- Okay. How is there yet another person

that I haven't heard of at this bar?

I study every single night!

I got flash cards and everything.

- Relax, Bill. "Tequila Jimmy"

is just James when he drinks tequila.

He becomes a different person. It's like he's...

up for anything. - That's right. For example,

he's terrified of singing, but...

after half a margarita,

he'll perform Rihanna's entire catalogue.

- You know who Rihanna is?

- I live in the world just like everybody else!

- Okay, so he takes a shot of tequila,

then what--he starts singing a bunch?

- It's not that simple, Bill.

James's confidence increases with every shot,

so on this end of the spectrum,

we've got "asks for extra guac."

Up here, this is "hits a piñata

at a birthday party he wasn't invited to."

- Hey, Abby, I'm freaking out.

I think I forgot how to stand. Does this look right?

- Hey, uh, anybody wanna do a shot of tequila?

On the house. - Whoa, tequila?

What's the occasion? - Why do we need an occasion?

You know what they say:

"It's a white girl's birthday somewhere."

- Nothing's happening.

I mean, how long does this usually take,

the transformation? - Bill, it's not like

"Teen Wolf." He's not gonna suddenly be able to dunk.

- It's kinda like when I got my eyebrows trimmed

at the barber shop.

It's a subtle change, but it does make a big difference.

- Abby!

- Richard. So good to see you.

[overlapping greetings]

Can I get you a drink? - No. No, thank you.

I'm doing the Whole 30.

It's 30 days of no dairy, no grains, no legumes,

no sugar, and no alcohol.

- Oh, that's too bad. I was just about to

offer you legumes.

Should we go someplace quiet and discuss your letter?

- Actually, I was hoping thiscould be

someplace more quiet.

- Ha ha. - You see, Abby,

I really care about the neighborhood,

and someone has complained about the noise.

- Was it you? - I don't wanna name names.

I'm just gonna float an idea.

What if Abby's was the coolest spot in town

that also closed at 8:55 p.m.?

I mean, don't get me wrong.

This place is great.

It's just like a modern-day speakeasy,

which I think is so cool, because I'm not

just a full-time dad. I'm also a novelist.

- Anybody else wanna jump in here?

I'm feeling a little light-headed.

- Richard, we wanna work with you,

but this is a bar.

8:55 p.m.? Chuck E. Cheese is open later than that.

- Well, it's an illegalbar,

and if someone were to have a problem with something

and that person called the authorities,

well... - So you're forcing us to close

in...96 minutes.

- Forcing? [laughs] No one's forcing anyone.

We're just having a friendly conversation

about what's best for the neighborhood.

- Yeah. So friendly. Mm-hmm.

Listen, Richard, why don't you let me buy you a drink,

and we can see if we can find a solution here.

- Okay, why not? I think I'll be bad

and have a fizzy water with a splash of cran.

Don't tell my wife!

Yes, I'm one of those guys who married their nutritionist.

Guilty!

.

[mellow music]

- Richard, be reasonable.

I can't close the bar at 9:00 p.m.

It would destroy my business.

- Here's the problem. Some people in the neighborhood,

like me, just put in a new deck,

and they like to enjoy those decks quietly.

- What if we got you some noise-canceling headphones?

- Yeah, the really expensive ones.

- All right. Easy.

- But then I couldn't hear my wind chimes.

They're prescription.

- What if we recorded the sound of the wind chimes,

and then you could play it through the headphones?

- Well, see, I have almost no cartilage in my ears,

so headphones in general are torture.

Do you wanna feel?

- [softly] Abby, don't be mad, but I really wanna feel.

- What if we made a deal.

We will all read your novel and give you feedback.

- Mm! Well, that's tempting.

And I think you'll like it.

It's an erotic political thriller

that takes place during the Civil War.

It's called "Gettysburg Undressed."

- Last call, everybody.

Last call!

- Okay, so I'm taking off, guys,

but I'm gonna say good-bye to you as a group.

Good-bye, good-bye,

Good-bye--no handshakes. No time for that.

Good-bye.

- Hey, Bill, I think the tequila

is starting to make James more confident.

- Oh... - Oh, you think so, Beth?

You think I'm a little more confident?

You thinking that all by yourself?

I'm just messin' with you.

- What's going on here? - When James drinks tequila,

he likes to do elaborate handshakes with everyone

that only he knows the moves to.

- Hoodle-hoo! - Oh. Hoodle-hoo!

- Here we go. Whoa, whoa!

[laughs] We didn't plan any of this.

It's like handshake jazz!

- Shots were a great idea. I think I should have 14 more!

- Okay, okay, but hold on. Before that,

maybe we should talk about this new job, right?

Sounds awesome. - It does sound awesome.

Why have I been down on myself?

I work hard. I'm good with people.

I can do this. - Okay, well,

sounds like you have a phone call to make.

- Damn right I do! - Ha ha!

- Get me Doug Halverson.

Tell him I'm comin' for his crown.

- All right, this is great. We're just gonna dial for you.

- I didn't hit any numbers. I don't know.

- Mm. Wow, I haven't had club soda in ages.

These bubbles are going straight to my head.

I feel like I'm in college!

- Richard, look, I understand that peace and quiet

is very important to you,

and I can promise you we will try to keep it down.

- This is a very civilized bar.

The people who drink here are extremely quiet,

even if they talk at all, right, Skip?

That's just how he waves. Don't worry about that.

The point is, it's quiet. - Mm-hmm.

- I guess we could give it a few weeks,

see how it goes.

- Really? That's so great.

I really appreciate it.

How 'bout another club soda?

- Well, who are you, Satan? Okay!

- Uh, hey, guys, James is making me say this.

And now, entering from Abby's porch,

it's the domestic shipping champion,

the heir to the air pillow,

the packing peanut--

Sorry. What the hell was it?

- Punisher, Bill. - The packing peanut punisher,

it's Southland Shipping's newest Regional Manager,

it's Jaaaaames!

- Hey, is this still three tequila shots?

- Well, he accepted the job and wanted to celebrate,

so he took two more tequila shots.

And then he took two more

because the first two worked so well.

- Well, well, well!

Look who it is-- the famous Richard.

I'm actually glad you stopped by.

There's something I been meaning to give you.

- Oh, what? - A piece of my mind!

- James, no. - You complain too much, man.

And we're tired of you telling us what to do all the time--

move your trash can, be quiet.

Stop feeding egg rolls to the raccoons.

Enough is enough.

It's time for you to go. - No, James.

You do not need to bounce him.

- Actually, I do, Abby.

It's like you always say: "James, please bounce people.

That's why you get 10% off beer."

- Do not handle me roughly.

I drank a lot of liquor. - You're bounced, Richard.

- You had better be closed at 9:00 p.m.

The neighborhood doesn't wanna call the police,

but the neighborhood will.

- I'm just gonna update the confidence chart real quick.

James finally bounces someone

is waaaaay ooooout here.

.

- I spent my entire life trying to avoid this exact feeling

where you make a mistake, and there's consequences.

It's like the Butterfly Effect.

You step on a butterfly once, and you feel bad forever.

- Uh, that's not what the Butterf--it's not important.

- This is exactly why I gotta back outta that new job.

- James, come on.

I know how seriously you take your job,

but if somebody's movie poster gets dented in that tube thing,

it's not gonna be the end of the world.

- It could be! Yeah, one damaged package

isn't a big deal, but mistakes add up,

and eventually, I'd get fired.

And now, that's on my record forever.

Nobody'll hire me. So I end up starving to death.

Steve eats me!

- Who is Steve?

- He's the cat I got while I was unemployed.

- James, sometimes in life

you gotta take a risk.

And also, you're not the only one in the world

who gets anxious. - Yeah.

As a mom, I'm responsible for two human lives.

If I mess up, they die. Or become dicks.

- I have a fear that one day I'm gonna bite into

a big, juicy burger,

and it'll turn out to be one of those veggie ones.

- It's gonna be okay, James.

We're gonna deal with this Richard thing, right, guys?

- Yeah. - Right, right.

We could just send him

a nice bouquet of flowers. - Oh, yeah. Sure.

Here, Richard. Here's your present.

It attracts bees, and it's covered in thorns.

But if you do everything right, you get to watch it die.

- Oh, my God! - Please...

- I'm sorry. You guys don't know what it's like

to have a brain that thinks of

the worst possible outcome every time--I hate it.

- James...

my sweet James.

I think I know what we have to do.

But you're gonna have to trust me.

- You know, I worry too.

Like when you guys make fun of me

for talking about engineering stuff--

I worry that I'm kind of an annoying person.

Ah, yes, the collective silence that follows

when everyone thinks the opposite of what you just said.

Whew! Well, I gotta tell you, Terry,

at first I didn't believe that you grew up with three dogs,

but you just gave me so much evidence.

You know, ah...

I think, uh, maybe it's getting to be that time of the night.

- Hey, cool watch. - Oh.

- I love watches.

I just bought this crazy one.

The hands are feet.

- Remarkable.

- Mind if I take Bill here for a second?

- So sorry. My friend is so rude.

But it was great seeing you.

I thought I was gonna die just now--thank you.

- The Irish good-bye isn't looking so bad now, is it?

- I'll tell you the truth.

I don't care that you Irish good-bye sometimes.

I just care that you did it to me.

I feel like we've been making strides in our friendship.

- Strides? - Yeah. Just last week,

I asked you for one of your nuts.

You gave me the nut.

Fred, I ate that nut, and I loved it.

And if that's not friendship, I do not know what is.

- Oh, that's an option,

that you don't know what friendship is?

- You know what? Forget it. - Aw, come on, it's a joke.

- Well, it must have been an Irish joke,

because I didn't like that either.

- What the hell?

- Oh...

I'm very sorry.

I just realized that was more racist

than anything I've been complaining about all night.

- What's he doing here?

- He's here because I invited him.

Because there's only one way out of this,

and there's only one person who can save us all.

- Please say Doug Halverson.

- No, James, It's you.

- Abby, look at me. He's the Prince of Tape!

.

- Can we make this quick, please?

And don't try to tempt me

with any more of that Satan water!

My wife smelled it on my breath

the minute [snaps] I got home!

- It'll be quick, Richard.

I was just thinking about concerned you always are

about the well-being of the neighborhood.

- Well, it's my first priority.

- But I worry that you haven't considered

how an Abby's curfew might affect you.

- What do you mean?

- James, if you were Richard,

and the bar closed at 9:00 p.m.,

what would you be worried about?

Come on, James. You got this.

- Are you sure? I usually don't.

It's possible I never have.

- Come on. Unleash the very neurotic dragon.

- Well, I guess I'd be worried about Sandy.

- Who's Sandy? - Sandy's in the San Diego

parking enforcement. She loves it here.

If she's gotta stop drinkin' at 9:00,

she's gonna get grouchy,

and she could start targeting this very street.

Now you got a bunch of tickets that you know nothing about.

You know why? - Why?

- Because Randy the landscaper over there's mad

that he can't have his bachelor party here next week,

so he blows 'em off your car with his leaf blower.

- Okay... - So now you got a bunch of

unpaid parking tickets, which is gonna affect your credit,

which then will affect your mortgage,

which means you gotta move into a tiny condo.

- And sell your prescription wind chimes.

- You never finish your novel,

andyou're bummed, so that's why you fall off

the Whole 30 wagon and start eatin' gluten.

- And your nutritionist wife leaves you.

- Yeah. So you die alone. And bloated.

- That seems like a pretty unlikely scenario.

- Oh, that's just one scenario.

If you need more scenarios, baby, I got 'em!

- Nope, James, you can be done. - Oh, okay, I'm done.

- I guess I didn't realize

how much closing a few hours earlier

would affect the neighborhood.

Just try to keep it down.

And leave those noise-canceling headphones on my doorstep.

The expensive ones!

- Wait, stop.

I can't let it go down like this.

Good-bye, Richard.

Just be sure you text us when you get home

so we know you're safe, all right? Bye-bye.

- Whoo! - Well, now!

- Oh, hello! - Man!

- Very nice.

- How was your first day, Mr. Manager?

- Oh, it was scary.

I had to field a call from Atlanta.

- Oh! - Well...

- Then somebody asked me if I wanted something

from Starbucks. I panicked.

I said a CD. Nora Jones.

Good.

All in all, today was fine.

- Well, fine is a win, right?

Fine is a win!

- [chanting] Fine is a win!

Fine is a win! - All right.

All right, you guys. Thank you.

And thank you for your help the other day.

I got you something. - Aw!

Thanks.

This is really well-packed.

- Well, you know, that's what I do.

- Ooh! Tequila!

- That's actually for me,

in case you need somebody else bounced again.

That's the only way that's gonna happen.

- Palm trees.

- What? - You know, palm trees.

- Oh...you're picking up

our conversation from the other day.

Well, I know I went off on eucalyptus trees,

but I really hate palm trees.

- I do too. They're the worst!

- Good.

I thought that conversation had a little more left in the tank.

Looks like you chose the right time to take off the other day.

- You know, if I leave the bar

without saying good-bye to you, it just means

that we're close enough that next time

we can just pick up where we left off.

- Stride. This was a stride.

I'm ruining the stride, aren't I?