Original subtitles

.

- Abby's is filmed in front of a live outdoor audience.

- I'm telling you, that video was staged.

- And I'm telling you

if I can't trust a video on the internet

sent to me by my aunt's friend's friend,

then what can I trust?

- What'd I miss?

- James saw a video of a Corgi riding a horse,

and he finds it inspiring, but Fred thinks it's fake.

- A Corgi's legs are too small

for it to mount a horse without help.

It'd be like a baby climbing up on top of a Jeep.

- No, it wouldn't, because the baby and Jeep aren't friends.

- This is like the opposite of a think tank.

- Hey, Abby. - Hey.

- I need a property tax document

that would've come in the mail. Have you seen it?

Wow, just ignoring me I see.

Unless you can't hear me.

Oh, my God. Am I dead?

- What? - Thank God.

I have an irrational fear sometimes

that I've become a ghost.

It's called the "Sixth Sense" Syndrome.

Not common, but very real.

- Sorry, my brain shuts down

when I hear words like tax or document.

It's called the Wesley Snipes Syndrome.

It's not real, but it's common.

- All right, well, have you seen anything

with my name on it come through the mail?

- I'm not sure. I haven't looked

through it in a while, but I'll go check.

- Hold on, I got a new theory about the Corgi.

Maybe he used a ladder.

- Bill, will you explain to James in engineery terms

why a Corgi cannot climb a ladder.

- Ooh, this is gonna be a fun one.

So due to their exaggerated frame,

the Corgi's hind legs

can't support the weight of the rest of the dog--

- Stop. Please, stop. Sorry, I made a terrible mistake.

- All right, whatever mail you're looking for

is somewhere in here.

- Abby, is that a laundry basket full of unopened mail?

- Yeah, so? - So?

This is like what the police find

when they're one step behind the serial killer.

[guitar music]

♪

Seriously, Abby, how is this all unopened?

- I don't know. I'm busy. Whatever.

Things just built up in the last few days.

- This coupon says, "Say good-bye to 2016 in style."

- All right, so some of it's been

in there a little bit longer.

- Okay, from Marco's Mattress alone

we have flyers from the Grand Opening,

Memorial Day, The First Anniversary Sale,

and The Going Out Of Business Sale.

I find that very poignant.

- Hey, Abby, at the risk of sounding like my therapist,

what the hell's wrong with you?

- I don't like opening mail.

Nothing good comes with a stamp on it.

Plus, if I leave it unopened long enough

I can just throw it away.

- Please don't throw these catalogues away.

I love them. Every page is something new you can buy.

It's like a paper internet.

- "Better With Age."

I'm guessing this was a subscription for Bill's aunt?

- Whoa, the font in this magazine is huge.

It's like my mom's iPhone.

- Hey, this is the third unopened bill

I found from the power company.

How do you keep the lights on in this place?

- I pay it online.

- Well, I do not trust the net.

You can't hack these.

- You know, I wouldn't have pegged you

as a custom check guy.

What is that? An orca? - Yeah, why?

You got a problem with that? - Oh, no, I love it.

- Yeah, that's worse.

- Pizza slice sleeping bags?

Guys, if we get six of these, we could make a whole pie.

I know what you're thinking.

Typically in a medium or large, it's eight slices.

- That is not what we were thinking.

- Hold on a second.

This one is addressed to Abelarda.

[laughs] Oh, my God.

Abby, is that your full name?

That is so embarrassing! In your face, Abelarda.

Oh, man, I finally got something I can razz you about.

All right, everyone, I really need some teamwork here.

Circle your razz wagons.

We're gonna razz the hell out of her.

Come on, razzers.

Why haven't you circled your razz wagons?

- Never call me that again, Bill.

- The only person that calls her Abelarda is her father.

That's a letter from her dad.

- Oh, her father who she doesn't get along with.

Oh, my God. Abby, I'm so sorry.

I mean, in this world, there are razzers

and those who are meant to be razzed,

and I know I should know my place.

- Yeah, I'll just throw it in the junk pile.

- Abby, why?

- I haven't spoken to my dad in a year.

If he's reaching out, it's because he wants something.

'Cause he only cares about himself.

Everything is always about him.

For example, he named me Abelarda.

His name is Abelardo,

and Abelarda is not a name.

- Yeah, I am not a fan.

He stole my bike.

- James, you let him borrow it.

- He manipulated me! I had a Huffy,

and it had a card clipped on it

so it made the motorcycle sound when it rolled down.

- And he's always hitting on me.

It's...awful?

- Yeah, he's the life of the party,

but you can't count on him. I was supposed to meet him once

at a Chargers game. When I got to my seat,

there's some stranger sitting there

'cause Abelardo had scalped his ticket in the parking lot.

So instead I got stuck with Craig,

who couldn't wait to tell me the truth

about the moon landing.

Did you know the real Neil Armstrong is still up there?

- Last year, he insisted on coming

into town for my birthday, so I finally caved,

we went to dinner, and then after one drink,

he ditched me for the flirty hostess

who said he had soulful eyes. So we're not talking right now.

- I'm sorry, Abby. - Oh, it's all right.

That's why that goes in the junk pile.

- Wait--whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second here.

I mean, what if this is important?

You know, could be an apology.

Could be, like, a newspaper clipping

from a kid you went to school with.

At least that's what my parents sent me.

It's like, "Okay, Dad,

Tim Overton's a big shot at Zillow."

I get it.

- The only thing in here, Bill, is disappointment.

Let me show you.

It's a check for $287.

- Sea otter. That's a solid choice.

.

- I know it's not gonna make a lot of sense,

but a part of me was hoping that my bike was in there.

There's one in this catalogue that can fit in a purse.

- Why is he sending you a check for $287.50?

- I have no idea.

I didn't even know he had a bank account.

Although, National City Credit Union and Boxing Supply

doesn't sound super legitimate.

- So there was no note, just the check?

- Just the check. Dated three weeks ago.

- Such a specific amount. It has to be for something.

- I don't care, Bill.

You wanna know what this check is about?

It's about him letting himself off the hook.

If I cash this check, it'll be like I'm saying,

"I forgive you, Dad. I guess you were

"at my high school graduation

and not playing pai gow at a casino in Tijuana."

- Yeah, but, Abby, isn't forgiveness

an important part of any healthy lifestyle?

I mean, look, I was bullied by the same guy for 14 years.

Just last month, I was an usher at his wedding.

- You worked at your bully's wedding?

- Well, now... I wasn't working there.

I just handed out programs, you know?

I guess I did end up bartending for a little while as well.

Come to think of it, I helped the DJ pack up his equipment.

I was taken advantage of.

But the point is, it might be time to forgive him.

- I'm not gonna forgive my dad for $287.50.

It doesn't come close to covering it

if that's even what he's trying to do.

- "Better With Age" says that people try

to reconcile with loved ones in their twilight years,

and oh, my God, this font is so big

this magazine only has one article in it.

- Beth, you're with me, right? You love a grudge.

You make us drive 3 miles to the other McDonald's

because the cashier at the McDonald's nearby

called you ma'am.

- I do love a grudge...

but I don't know on this one.

Parenting is really hard. You make mistakes,

and you just hope that your kids forgive you

for whatever bad things you do.

For example,

spending half their childhood at the bar next door.

- I hear you, Beth, but some dads just aren't that great.

When I was 12 years old, I hooked a marlin,

and instead of helping me reel it in,

my dad just watched as I got yanked overboard.

- Maybe he was trying to teach you

a valuable lesson about self-reliance?

- Yeah, sure, Bill.

Well, him and his drinking buddies were laughing at me,

but maybe he thought it was funny

how self-reliant I was gonna get.

- My parents escaped the revolution in Iran

and had to get smuggled across Europe.

When they got here, they had $35 between them

and they knew no one.

My mom and my dad both worked two jobs

to put me and my brother through college.

But, oh, they can be so annoying sometimes.

- Wish I had a bad parent story to tell,

but Jim and Louise are lovely, just the best.

They were very supportive when my bike was stolen recently.

- Look, Abby, I know it's complicated,

but he's your dad. You know, and I don't know

what he was trying to say with this check,

but he was trying to say something.

I mean, don't you want to say something back?

- You're right, Bill. I do.

- Yes, okay, all aboard the forgiveness train.

Choo, choo!

- What I want to say is this check is stupid,

and we're gonna honor it by spending it

on the stupidest thing we could possibly think of.

- Aw, yeah. - No, no, no, no.

I think you might have misunderstood me there--

- No, no, Bill. This is perfect.

I'm gonna show him what $287 of half-assed apologizing

is worth to me. So what do you guys think?

Can we come up with something dumb enough?

- Oh, yeah. I think this crew is more than capable--

fish tank hot tub! - Yes!

Okay, more ideas. James, go.

- Okay, there's a massage chair in here for 200 bucks.

Now, I know what you're thinking--

massage chair, where you gonna plug it in?

But then like three pages later, boom--battery pants.

- Battery pants is a wonderfully stupid idea,

but I think we can do dumber. Beth?

- What if we get a bunch of vodka?

Stay with me. It's a ton of vodka.

But wait, wait.

It's a lot of vodka.

- Yeah, but we're supposed to be coming up with stupid ideas.

- That's right. A stupid amount of vodka.

- Ah.

- How about this? We hire a magician,

they tell us their secrets, then we're magicians.

- Oh, yes, okay, thank you, Skip.

"Pasta salad."

Do you want us to buy $200 worth of pa--

He's asleep.

- $287...that has to mean something.

Now if you assign a letter to the numbers 2, 8, and 7,

you get B-H-G.

Now, is it possible that that's the initials

to a nickname he gave you?

Something like baby honey goat.

Did he call you baby honey goat?

- Yep, you cracked it.

- Aha! Abby, I got it.

Remember we had that big debate over whether

we should get a hot dog machine or a popcorn machine?

- Yeah. - And remember how you insisted

that we didn't have enough space for both of them?

- Right. - Well, I present to you

The PopDog.

all: Ooh.

- A two-in-one, awe-inspiring machine

that both cooks hot dogs and pops corn.

- I mean, how is that even possible?

What happens to the hot dog juice?

- Damn it, Bill.

Would you stop dissecting the miracle?

Make room in your life for magic.

- All right, you guys have really outdone yourselves.

I mean, these ideas are so stupid.

It's hard for me to choose one.

I think we should use the Wheel of Jukebox.

- Yes. - Ooh, okay.

- What's the Wheel of Jukebox?

- The first Sunday of every month,

we take all the quarters out of the jukebox.

- And then we spin this wheel,

and whoever's face it lands on gets to decide

how we spend the money.

- Counteroffer--instead of spinning a wheel,

you call your father and have an honest discussion.

all: Boo!

- The forgiveness train derailed

when it hit the baby honey goat, Bill.

Get on the stupid train.

all: Whoo, whoo!

.

- All right, let's go over the rules.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, my picture's not up there.

- Oh, right, we haven't taken your official bar photo yet.

So, um...

That's Bill.

- Ha ha ha. - Piece of chewed gum?

- Oh, I'm sorry. Let's stop everything

so that we can take your picture,

go to a drug store, print it out,

and then cut it out to fit on this wheel.

Is that what you want? - No, it's not what--

- Guys, stop everything!

Bill and I have to go to Walgreens.

- I'm just thinking, even if you use the money

to buy something dumb to stick it to Abelardo,

he's still gonna see that you cashed the check.

- So what? - Maybe he's gonna take that

as an invitation to walk back into your life.

- No, I don't think that's what he's trying to do.

If he was trying to reconnect with me,

he might have, I don't know, called me or showed up

or at least explained what 287.50 means.

- Yeah, maybe.

You know what would be cool?

If there was an envelope

that you could write the letter on.

A post card. I just described a post card.

[cow bell ringing]

- All right, the spinning will now commence.

- All right, now, hold on a second.

We gotta do this right, okay?

I mean, why do you get to spin?

If anything, we should spin to see who spins, right?

- Bill, don't be crazy. Obviously, to see who spins

we reach into a bucket and we pull out a ping pong ball

with a back-bencher's name on it.

[balls rattling]

- Dan!

- Oh, uh, I don't want that much responsibility.

- Oh, suck it up, Dan.

If you didn't want the responsibility,

you shouldn't have had a name

we could put on a ping pong ball.

- Listen, Dan, give that wheel the ol' Beth flick,

and you'll get all the free vodka you can handle.

- Oh, thank you, but I don't drink vodka

because I'm allergic to potatoes.

All nightshades, really.

An eggplant could kill me.

- Nothing sexier than a man

that can get taken down by an eggplant.

- Don't listen to her, Dan.

You spin however it feels natural.

Just make sure it lands on my face.

- Hi, Dan. See that piece of gum there?

That's me, and I want to get Skip

his pasta salad.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Dan, I love you!

- I did nothing. I swear.

- That's right, Dan. You did nothing.

And I'll always remember that.

- Oh, God, no.

- Well, then I guess we're getting a PopDog.

- Uh, first off, I would like to thank Abby

for without whom I wouldn't even be here.

I gotta say thank you to God, of course,

I love you, big fella. You're amazing.

Shout-out to the lady

who invented the hot dog buns, right?

They were just gonna put it on bread,

but this pioneer...

she had the vision to say, "Hold on, give me a second."

- Abby.

Before you cash that check,

I found another letter from your dad.

- What? - Yeah, it was buried

in a stack of Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons.

Also, next time you buy bar towels,

you're getting like 1,200% off.

- God, my dad's handwriting is so bad.

"I've been thinking a lot about you

"and I wanted you to have this

so I could make out with the 23 buttholes I missed?"

- I think that's

Make up for the 23 birthdays I missed."

- Oh! Oh, that's better.

- Yeah.

- Says he's giving me $25 for every birthday he missed,

but for tax reasons, he's sending it in two installments.

And there's a check for 287.50.

- You opened the second check first.

- Installments. Classic Dad.

It's also how he paid my orthodontist.

Dr. Otto did not like that.

I had braces on for eight years.

Actually, kind of a nice gesture.

Like a good dad.

- Yeah, you know, if this changes

the way you feel about the money

and you want to spend it differently,

I'm sure James would understand.

Yeah, actually, he won't. He'll be devastated.

But we'll call Jim and Louise. They'll know what to do.

- Thanks, I'll think about it.

- And last but not least,

I got to give a thanks to Granny D.

She's not actually dead. She just lives in Canada.

- Didn't he already thank his grandma?

- He's thanked everyone.

He's been doing this for 20 minutes.

- Oh, my God! Where is it?

Where's the PopDog?

Wait, let me guess. You wrapped it up

like a Lexus on Christmas,

and it's in the driveway with a bow on it.

- I'm sorry, James. There's not gonna be a PopDog.

- [laughs] What?

I won Wheel of Jukebox fair and square.

You all saw it. Dan picked me.

- I-I didn't pick anyone.

Please don't drag me back into this.

- Oh, you're in this Dan, but no hard feelings.

Let me buy you an eggplant.

- Guys, we got to support Abby here.

It's her money.

Her dad gave it to her as a gift.

So she should be able to decide how it's spent.

- No, it's not that.

The check bounced.

Check cashing place and the guy behind the counter

said the check bounced, and I said,

"No, sir, that's impossible. My dad sent me this check."

and then mid-sentence I thought,

"Oh, of course it did."

Because my dad sent me that check,

and I'm a big, fat idiot.

- All right, I'm pretty fired up about this.

Where is it? Let's go, huh?

What's the matter? I got everything on the list.

It was so hard to carry all this stuff. What?

.

- Hey, Abby, you okay?

- Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I mean, I told you guys.

Nothing good ever comes in the mail,

and this is the proof.

So just gonna burn this stuff.

- Oh, I don't-- - Uhh.

- Hey, Abby, we sort of have a soft rule

about you being near fire when you're mad.

- Oh, I'm not mad.

I just don't need any of this stuff.

Pre-approved credit card? Trash.

Jury summons? Nope.

Do not bend. Do not care.

Property tax document enclosed.

- You can't burn that. Wesley Snipes!

- Shh.

She needs this.

- I wanna burn more stuff.

- Uh...just a thought, but instead maybe

you want to talk about your dad?

- I mean, this is classic Abelardo.

He does something or says something

and you really hope he means it,

but he never does. And every time it happens,

you realize you're the stupid one

for thinking that he might have changed.

Everything he does is a check that bounces,

and I just need to learn to stop cashing them.

- I'm sorry I complained about my parents earlier.

They're not annoying.

But my dad this thing with soup that--

forget it, yeah.

Your thing now. My thing probably never.

- I just got excited about a PopDog.

I never had a PopDog in my life,

and I thought having a PopDog might be kind of cool.

- Hey, Abby.

We don't always get the PopDog we deserve,

but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have one now, so...

Who wants to get Abby a PopDog?

- I'm in.

I think she's been doing very well this whole time

without a PopDog, but if she wants one, I'm in.

- This whole thing is making me

want to call my PopDog right now.

- Dan, we're putting in money, man.

What the hell?

- I am so sorry. Yeah, here you go.

Take it. Take it all.

Actually, can I keep a 5.00 for a taxi ride home?

- No. - You're right. I'll walk.

- Thanks, guys.

This means a lot.

That's only like $35.

- I thought this was mostly symbolic.

- Hey.

So here's that tax thing you wanted.

It's mostly scorched, but you can still kind of

sort of make out the address of the place

you're gonna have to go wait in line and get a new one.

- Look, Abby, I'm sorry that I pushed you

to reconnect with your dad.

I should have just stayed out of it.

- It's okay. Your heart was in the right place.

And look what we got out of it.

I mean, she is gorgeous.

- Okay, enough, he's a boy.

Boats are girls, PopDogs are boys.

I'm not having this argument again.

- Well, James, he's a thing of beauty.

- Yeah, that's what you think

until you're the first person who has to clean it.

- Ech. Yep. It's like when my kids wanted to get a dog.

I said, "Okay, as long as you take care of it.

I'm not gonna be responsible for keeping it alive."

- Beth, you don't have a dog.

- Consider that lesson learned. - What?

- Oh, God. I didn't let the dog die.

He's living on a farm now.

all: Oh... - It's a real farm.

He's not dead, you guys.

I'm not monster.

- Well, what are we waiting for?

Might as well fire it up.

[machine whirs]

Our miracle machine is a little loud.

- Yeah, well, that makes sense.

It's probably because, in engineering terms,

the coefficient of friction inside the rotisserie

is very high. [machine whirs]

And since it's made out of metal it vibrates--

I can't hear myself think.

- Guys, I'm so glad we bought this.