Original subtitles

The events shown here are all part of the authors' imagination.

All references to real life, present or past,

or to people alive now or in the past

are purely coincidental.

Despite appearances...

and provided the nation doesn't know...

THE EROTICIST

We're two thirds of the way though the vote counting.

The name of Senator Giacinto Puppis is coming up a lot,

as well as Senator Torsello's.

Lets remind the viewers of this special edition of the news

that in the first three rounds of the presidential election

a majority of two thirds is necessary.

If none of the candidates obtains this majority,

the new head of state can be elected in the following rounds

with half the votes plus one more.

- He is winning! - No, he won't make it.

Come on! Come on!

OK. All right.

We interrupt our broadcast from Montecitorio,

which we will come back to in about 20 minutes,

to go to Ciampino airport

for the welcome ceremony for Mrs. Laila Mandi,

president of the Republic of Uria.

Over to you, Gioiello.

Gioiello, can you hear me?

I'm Vittorio Gioiello, reporting from Ciampino.

We're outside the state building.

Mrs. Mandi's airplane has just landed.

Everything is ready for receiving the illustrious guests.

Besides the people who have been invited,

we can see that a small crowd has assembled

in the square in front of the state building.

We can see a guard of honor on either side of the red carpet

and we can see the Italian dignitaries and those from the Republic of Uria

assembled here to receive Mrs. Mandi.

Senator Giacinto Puppis is at the centre of this group

and on his right is Senator Torsello,

both candidates for the highest office of state.

- Next to them... - Excuse me, Vittorio.

Everybody is asking if we'll have as president

a secular independent, Senator Torsello,

or a representative of the Centre party, Senator Puppis.

Have you been able to get an impression from the two senators

about how the voting is going?

Just a couple of "No comments",

which is to be expected given the delicate nature of their positions.

Of course. In fact its reassuring to see them standing next to each other.

It shows what a great friendship they have.

Not only that, it is also evidence of the spirit of great democratic civility

that characterizes the occasional antagonism

between these two eminent senators.

I told you I'm not going to let myself look like a jerk.

What are you talking about?

Good morning, General.

Under our agreement your party should have all voted for me,

but I only got 98 votes.

You don't understand that its a diversionary tactic

to put off the opposition.

And I withdraw my candidacy?

Come on, don't be silly.

Have you been in contact with the liberals?

They promised to abstain in the second round and vote for me in the third.

There you go. You'll make it in the fifth round.

Now smile. A future president has to train himself to smile all the time.

We'll see.

To be frank, I get the impression that you want to shaft me.

Whats the matter, Puppis?

Nothing.

We can see Mrs. Mandi coming out of the airplane,

followed by her dignitaries.

The Italian dignitaries gathered here will pay her their respects.

Her multicolored sari and the uniforms of her attendants

are bright splashes of color that stand out

against the sober outfits of our representatives assembled here.

Senator Puppis approaches the illustrious guest

to welcome her on behalf of the government.

Their faces, their expressions, everything contributes towards...

- Its a long report. - Carry on.

I'll do a montage.

Carry on, carry on.

Keep going.

Still the same old crap.

More crap.

Friendship with the people of Uria, more crap.

The famous solidarity and the spirit of great democratic civility...

What exactly are they saying here?

Its the same old mush.

Enthusiastic support and unconditional admiration for the Urian people

and for their struggle against feudalism and imperialism.

Look.

Go back.

Go on. Keep going.

OK. Thats it.

So he's not a fag.

Do you think the old guy's fallen into the trap?

Torsello? He's not lost all his marbles yet.

You know that he's telling everybody that we want to shaft him.

Please.

Marbles or no marbles, he's a strategic candidate for us.

But we need an excuse to get rid of him in the fifth round.

We've got to work something out.

What if we revealed the child support scandal?

Or the Mexican tobacco scandal?

Very good. But he's the one who revealed them.

I sweated buckets to send those inquiries up in smoke.

He's an honest man.

See how they're infiltrating us?

We've got to find something to cause him trouble.

- Forgive me, Monsignor. - Giacinto.

Don't get up, fellows.

I'm sorry I'm late.

The investiture ceremony for my boss,

for Monsignor Maravigli, is taking place the day after tomorrow.

We've got a lot to do too.

You were talking about that pain in the ass Torsello?

When did you decide to cheat him?

You haven't had breakfast, have you, Monsignor? If you'd like something...

Thank you, you're very kind.

I said Mass quite late this morning and didn't have time for breakfast.

You're welcome. Do sit down.

There, just a mouthful. I'm in a hurry.

We've already laid out our tracks for the elections.

Now you politicians must follow us without tripping up.

- Fellows. - Excuse me.

Excuse me, Monsignor.

Senator Puppis, there's a phone call for you in my room.

- Its urgent. - Who is it?

Father Lucion.

I'm not here. No, tell him I don't want to speak to him.

All right, sir.

OK, I see.

Well, tell him that I want to speak to him.

Tell Maravigli's servant that its in his interest.

Tell him that he should come.

I'll wait for him in the usual place.

And tell him that if he doesn't come he'll be in trouble.

- Wait here, Carmelino. - Yes, sir.

What on earth do you want? You've got me into real shit...

Excuse me, Father. I meant to say a real mess.

Giacinto.

What do you want?

Giacinto, you're mixing up right and left in politics as well now.

What do you want?

This morning somebody came to me to confess.

Yeah? Well?

Have a look at the future president.

He gave it to me.

But thats impossible.

It seemed impossible to me too, Giacinto,

given that I've known you since university.

But I don't disapprove of what he's doing.

It will put an end to some of the rumors going round about you.

A photomontage. Filthy blackmail.

No, its not a photomontage. I checked. But it is blackmail.

It will cost you 10 million lire. Its a fair price.

Fair? I'm going to send him to prison.

Hey, we are working!

I'm going to send him to prison. Who gave it to you?

Giacinto, you may be a senator but this is a holy place.

Nobody's going to prison because I'm not telling you who gave it to me.

You should pay up

unless you want to see this all over the front pages of the papers

next to the announcement of your election to the highest office of state.

- But when you call me... - I'm not calling you.

You'll call me, I know you will.

As I was saying, when you call me, you need to make yourself known.

If I'm not sure that its you I'm speaking to I'll play deaf. Do you understand?

What are you talking about? You're insane.

Its like in spy movies.

You say a phrase in code and then we start talking.

You say, "The senator is feeling out the south." Its appropriate.

Appropriate? You know what I'm going to do with the south?

Exactly.

I'll send you to prison.

Giacinto, they suggested I use this phrase.

Never! I'm going to send them to prison.

To prison!

Its mine. Its not a picture of a saint.

- St Peter! No! - Giacinto.

- Hello. Who is it? - Its me. Don't you recognize me?

- No. - I'm calling you about that stuff.

- What stuff? - That story.

That matter. Whats-its-name.

That thing. Will you give it to me?

No. Who did you take me for? What thing do you mean? What stuff?

- What are you talking about? - What is the phrase?

- The senator is feeling out... - What is he feeling out?

What the hell is he feeling out?

The senator is feeling out...

That thing. The senator is feeling out...

The south. The senator is feeling out the south.

At last. You've made your mind up?

OK. I'm going to feel out the south.

Yes, but you'd better hurry up

because the south's had enough of being felt out without ever getting any money.

There are two things here.

It could be the papal nunzio's assistant.

No, it can't be, given his age. Its definitely you.

Yes, there's no doubt about it.

But I did it without realizing, I swear.

I wasn't aware. Do you know what I mean?

You're saying that it was an unconscious act?

A kind of trance?

How should I know?

Its hard to believe its ever like that.

What am I supposed to say?

It means that I'm sick.

Sick!

For a while I've been having memory lapses, dizzy spells, fainting fits.

I thought it was nervous exhaustion.

- Oh, God. - Whats wrong?

The last time it happened was in Strasbourg.

At the official reception for the EEC.

And?

Near me was Princess...

- Now I understand. - Why? Whats happened?

Nothing. The Low Countries raised some issues over an agricultural question.

Well, the Low Countries made themselves heard that time.

- Its not a laughing matter. - I'm sorry.

You've got to do something about it.

You can't go round feeling up all the heads of state of other countries.

Who knows what could happen? Wars have broken out over much less.

Never mind wars. If a scandal breaks out I'm finished.

Goodbye to the presidency.

I've spent my whole life getting to where I am and now...

Sorry, Giacinto.

I don't mean to pry, but why didn't you get married?

There's even a rumor that you're still a virgin.

For me politics is like the priesthood.

All statesmen should act like I do.

Give themselves, body and soul.

Listen to the rubbish you're talking.

I'm fighting for the abolition of celibacy for priests.

You want to bring in celibacy for politicians?

You're right, my son. You're sick.

Maybe. But I'll get better. Its a question of willpower.

What do you mean, willpower? You need a doctor, a specialist.

What are you talking about? You're crazy. In my position?

What if people found out?

No, its too dangerous.

No. You'd go away for a couple of days.

Say you're going on a spiritual retreat.

Listen to me, Giacinto.

You need a specialist, somebody with discretion.

I can find you one. A Dominican like me. A German psychoanalyst.

Don't be ridiculous. Stop it.

Maybe later. After I've been elected. Not now.

This is a delicate time.

I'll be able to control myself. I must do it.

- Good morning, Senator. - Good morning.

Senator.

Good morning, Senator.

Good morning.

Senator?

Whats the matter, Senator?

- Good morning. - Well, well.

Are you sure that this priest will cure me?

- Are you convinced, Lucion? - Yes.

He uses psychoanalysis to control urges.

Drink the young people's cocktail.

It quenches your thirst and gives you energy.

Drink it, its good.

I'm going to get you a brandy. Something strong.

- Fill it up with Esso Extra. - Wait here.

Giacinto! Stop!

A beard!

- A fag... - You're mistaken.

Italo-Scottish relations have suffered from political disagreements

even though the old friendship between the people...

On a spiritual retreat.

Didn't he say anything else?

I'm a servant. I'm given orders and I obey them.

So much for a spiritual retreat.

My dear Giovanni, I'm increasingly convinced that they want to shaft me.

What will I do if I get elected? If I get elected, what will I do?

You'll be president, Giacinto.

You've discovered women, you're discovering alcohol.

You'll be a perfect president.

And even if you can't do it, why should you care?

You've learned to enjoy life.

- What will the people say? - The people?

The football transfer market will start soon.

The summer records are coming out. The people don't care.

The next summer record could be Youth.

At last. Welcome, sir.

Thank you.

He's drunk, but its better to be drunk on brandy than on power.

The first thing he needs is a good sleep.

You'll be very happy here.

There's great calm here, great solitude.

There are very few nuns here. They're all very efficient.

They're all German nuns, very discreet.

They keep everything tidy. They've got his room ready.

He'll see that up here...

the view...

Yes, OK. Unfortunately I have to leave right now.

I'll leave him in your hands.

Very good. I'll take care of him.

- Make sure you do. - Don't worry. He's in good hands.

In very good hands.

Who is it?

Its me, Sister.

Go on in, Senator. Don't be afraid.

This is Sister Delicata, she is the doorkeeper.

IN A DEMOCRACY THE POLICE SERVE THE CITIZEN

This is interception number 47 a.

Senator Puppis was telephoning Father Lucion, who was later identified.

Listen.

What on earth am I listening to?

It was raining that night.

Listen to it now.

Nobody will find out.

They don't care.

When it rains in Rome the phones don't work very well. Its not our fault.

I don't understand any of it.

It sounds like its something important.

A state secret, the south and that stuff.

- Maybe its drugs. - Puppis?

The senator involved with drugs?

Come on, its impossible.

He's just a fag.

Yes, sir, a fag.

And what does "The senator is feeling out the south" mean?

Could it be a code?

Do you remember those messages from Radio London during the war?

"The bird flies at night."

"Aunt Carmela has made some jam."

"The ship has broken the ice."

- And you're breaking my balls. - Yes, sir.

Besides the senator, who else lives in the Puppis residence?

Just a manservant who is his driver too.

Carmelino Carpena, 27 years old, born in Biancavilla.

- A fag. - Him as well?

And they say that Italy is a republic founded on work.

You know what I think its founded on? On ass.

Father. Father Scirer. Come quickly.

Its Mother Superior. Come quickly.

- Open the door. - What do you want?

You should be sleeping. What on earth is going on?

Come quickly, Father. Something terrible has happened.

- To His Excellency? - No, to Sister Patrizia.

Sister Patrizia?

Yes, the youngest one.

I don't want to know anything...

I don't want to know.

Go to bed.

Thats enough. Go.

Clips.

Ready? Go in.

Grant me, O Lord, perseverance to fight the weaknesses of the flesh

and the temptations of the devil

and keep sin away from me.

Give my soul strength

so that I can endure pain with holy resignation.

The pain of my body.

Listen to my prayer, I beg you,

so that I may find glory and eternal peace in heaven.

Give me strength to endure this terrible pain with holy resignation. Amen.

Oh, Father, what should I do?

Wait calmly. I'll have a look now.

- Does it hurt? - No, but I feel shivers.

Of course. I understand. How did it happen?

We were putting him to bed.

He seemed to be sleeping like a baby. Then...

He's glued to her.

This man's very strong.

Its all my fault. I should have seen this coming.

Its best to let him sleep in peace.

What?

Father, does Sister Patrizia have to stay like this all night?

If we wake him he'll get a big shock.

Its important for him to wake up slowly and calmly.

His nerves will relax, the muscles in his hand will loosen

and Sister Patrizia will be able to go.

Father, maybe it would be fairer if we took it in turns.

One time for each of us won't hurt anybody.

Reverend Mother, Sister Patrizia was here to cure a sick man.

Remember that a hair shirt is a little sacrifice offered to the Lord.

"Omina munda mundis."

As St Paul used to say.

I don't think St Paul ever found himself in this situation.

Who knows?

But if she's a sacrifice...

Don't lose heart. Pray.

You must suffer in the hope of being touched by grace.

- But its bitter grace. - Good night.

As chief of politics, I'm confused.

The phrase says that he's feeling out the south.

The south, as you know,

is traditionally a reserve of subversive right-wing forces.

Now, as far as I can make out,

Senator Puppis is considered to be left-wing.

A politician who is open to everything.

No allusions, you understand?

Right, left. We're in a complete mess here.

Look, all we know

is that Senator Puppis is the major exponent

of the left-wing fringe of a right-wing movement in the centre party.

Its a fringe that finds itself on the left

after the break-up of a moderate right-wing movement.

So it depends on how you look at the situation.

- Have I been clear? - Very clear, sir.

However, the unexpected disappearance of Puppis

to this spiritual retreat who knows where

has an air of pretence about it, which confirms for me...

There's no doubt about that. No doubt.

They want to do it under our noses.

Well said, sir. They want to do it under our noses.

Its time to open the windows. Start by arresting somebody.

But, sir, for what?

In Italy people are arrested who haven't committed a crime.

And our country's in such a mess that we could have a coup by the Left

financed by industrialists

or one by the Right organized by Maoists.

Basically I want everything done properly.

Its crazy. Its absurd.

They're preparing a coup. Has it come to this?

Ltll be the first time in our nation's history

that a coup is staged without informing the General Staff.

Where is Italy going? Where is Italy going, Leonardi?

I didn't understand everything, sir.

It doesn't matter. At ease.

Have you discovered who Senator Puppis' mysterious interlocutor is?

Has he been identified?

Yes, sir. By the police.

But we immediately intercepted the identification.

- So who is it? - He's a Dominican monk.

- A monk? - A certain Father Lucion.

Lucion?

But the point remains the same.

If priests start staging coups, whats left for a poor soldier to do?

Does he have to say Mass?

Leonardi, you need to investigate and find things out.

First, what the police are doing and what measures they are taking.

Second, what the tax police are doing and what orders they have given.

Third, interceptors of the secret memos of the Department of the Interior.

Only by doing this will we be able to construct a mosaic...

ADRANO REAL ESTATE HEADQUARTERS

First, what the police are doing and what measures they are taking.

Second, what the tax police are doing and what orders they have given.

Third, interceptors of the secret memos of the Department of the Interior.

Only by doing this will we be able to construct a mosaic

that will put our fingers on the pulse

and we will see if Senator Puppis is planning to stage a coup without us.

That fag Puppis!

He's setting himself up for a fall.

He wants to eat alone and cheat everybody on the quiet.

He tells us this, but if he was nobody...

But who is he? But who is he?

Who is he?

A person with no clout.

Our family has never put up with parasites like him

and has always got rid of them.

He's organizing a coup and wants to get rid of the people who made him.

His lust for power will be his ruin.

Tell me something. Have you given him a warning?

Don't mention him.

He's too high up. But we've got to warn him.

Your Eminence.

Monsignor Maravigli.

Bardolino, what are you...

Puppis has committed impure acts on TV and its created a massive scandal...

Christ!

IT IS NOT WITHOUT A SENSE OF WONDER

THAT PEOPLE WATCH FILMS WHICH TRANSPORT THEM

INTO UNKNOWN AND SOMETIMES UNIMAGINED WORLDS

WHICH NO OTHER MEANS CAN REPRESENT

MORE VIVIDLY THAN CINEMA

PLUS XII

Stop!

So...

See, Your Eminence?

Its all about women. Luckily.

What do you mean, luckily, Don Gesualdo?

Whats he doing?

It seemed like a coup, Your Eminence. But instead...

Instead? This is much worse.

Nothing. Is it possible that you all understand nothing, Don Gesualdo?

At least a coup doesn't make people laugh.

It brings you enemies, of course.

But if you want power you can't help making enemies.

And you need...

But this stupid nonsense is more serious.

I bet that even the dead people who voted for him are laughing.

Its ridiculous that in this world this is more serious than a coup.

Son of a bitch.

All my life I've been creating, minute by minute,

a magnificent picture of divine providence,

and now that I was about to reap the fruits of my hard work...

St Rosalia, St Agatha, St Catherine of Villahermosa,

St Vito...

Ora pro nobis.

Bardolino, I'm cursing them.

Your Eminence, don't get upset. The situation's under control.

He's being blackmailed...

I want to speak to him.

- Your Eminence, its difficult. - Why?

Bardolino, off you go.

What do you have on this operator?

What did you do to him?

He was canonized.

Three more to the top floor.

I repeat, three more to the top floor, dispatch department.

The third consignment of angels is finished.

Send the others to the ornaments department.

For a saints statue it hasn't come out badly.

Ego te absolvo a peccatis tuis in articulo mortis

In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritu Sancti.

Your Eminence, there's one more.

The good shepherd. Someone who gave Puppis a lift.

- Who is it? - A secretary.

Oh, well.

They're not the first saints created through a mistake by the Church.

I'm afraid they won't be the last, Your Eminence.

Now look closely at this drawing

and tell me what comes into your mind.

Tell me. Be honest.

Don't make sheep noises, please.

Tell me what you see here. There's no need to be ashamed. Come on.

- I... Father, I see... - Be brave.

I see a... a...

- Botty. - What?

- A botty. - Botty?

Whats a botty? A Soviet car?

No, its a backside.

A woman's backside.

An ass.

So say "ass" then. Thats good.

You need to be precise. This isn't politics, this is anatomy.

Don't speak German, please. I speak good Italian.

Good. Now, what do you see in this one?

- The same thing. - A botty?

A botty.

An ass.

And this one? What do you see here?

And here? In this one?

And in this one? And here? And this one?

Do you see anything different?

No. I'm sorry, Father.

Its always asses. I see women's asses everywhere.

- I'm sorry. Excuse me. - Just asses.

I've got to say, son,

that like all politicians you don't have much imagination.

Its important to bear this in mind too.

Lets do another test.

Now you must say what you think this is.

Father...

Father, I feel ill.

I feel ill.

Damn! You should have picked a different ass.

This isn't a hand, its a claw.

- What happened, Father? - Don't worry, my son.

Now everything is clear, everything is illuminated.

I understand that whenever you see...

- You see a... - Botty?

Yes, a botty.

You are in a trance.

Your subconscious is blocked

and immediately wants to touch with your hand,

like St Thomas.

Why, was he...

Come, my son, over there.

Best not to take this.

You first, sir.

Lie down on here, make yourself comfortable.

What do you want to do to me, Father?

Nothing. Don't worry.

Now tell me, my son,

do you often dream during the night?

Yes, Father.

Try to remember a dream that you've had.

Try.

Remember.

Remember.

Remember...

Watch out. Watch out, little Giacinto.

You've got to be on your guard. Women deceive your senses.

They have a hidden side, dominated by bestial instinct.

Satan speaks through the mouths of women.

Don't lose yourself in the presence of women, little Giacinto.

Don't lose yourself in their presence.

About turn.

What are you doing, Giacinto!

Don't, Giacinto!

Look up.

What are you doing, sir?

Don't touch my bits.

I've taken a vow of chastity.

Please, sir.

Hands down. No, hands up.

Good, sir. What am I going to do? Sir.

Sir, you're sleeping.

Wake up! Sir!

- Father Scirer? - Unfortunately.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

- Sir... - How did I get here?

- What have I done? - You're asking me?

Forgive me, Father.

I had an incredible dream.

A terrible dream.

Very clear. Now I understand everything.

Drink this.

- What is it? - A sedative.

You are in great need of it. Go on.

All right.

Now you tell me all about your dream

and I'll analyze it.

Its strange, Father, but...

I feel better.

- Really? - Much better.

Well, perhaps I have given you too much.

Maybe, but I feel really good.

- Really good. - Yes, I understand.

Its as if... as if I've been recharged.

Rested.

Yes, but this isn't the effect of the sedative, my friend.

This is the effect of dreaming.

Maybe I'm wrong, but you seem cured.

Come on, tell me your dream. Include even the minutest details.

Some things are difficult to talk about, Father.

Its not just about me, its about...

Who?

- I can't say. - Come on. Who?

- No, Father, I can't say. - Don't be afraid. Tell me.

Its about the nuns of the Holy Atonement.

Who?

The nuns here.

- No. - Yes.

Which one?

All of them.

Sir, are you sure you want to leave? Its peaceful here.

Its restful.

I'd love to stay but there's an official reception that I can't miss.

Above all, that dream you had has liberated you

and removed the block from your subconscious.

You have a lot of faith in yourself now, don't you?

Listen.

Imagine if I told the nuns about the dream you had last night.

Listen, if you have another dream like that, call me.

Your case is very interesting.

You could even have a relapse.

Lets hope not, Father. Lets hope not.

I kiss your feet.

- Has the senator left? - Yes, he's much better.

Why? Was there something you wanted from him?

I came to say that the nuns are waiting for you to hear their confessions.

Confession! You never have anything to confess.

Always the same old things.

How many times was he with you, my child?

Three times, Father. I confess.

- What did you say? - Three times, Father.

Three times.

With all the others that makes 21 times.

This senator is European champion.

- No, world champion. - I see.

This was much more than a dream.

But it was you, Father, when you said the other evening,

"Remember that a hair shirt is a little sacrifice offered to the Lord."

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Sister, it was more than a little sacrifice.

You did a very different type of penance.

But, Father, you said,

"Don't wake him when he's in a trance.

"If you do, he'll have a shock."

I had to suffer out of Christian charity, Father.

I thought I was doing a good deed.

Yes, I see! You did a very good deed.

To obey me. To hell with obedience!

Father, I want you to hear my confession.

Closed because sold out of sins.

I want to know. Where is he?

With all due respect, Your Eminence,

Giacinto told me not to tell anybody.

Giacinto would make an exception for me.

This time he didn't. He must have forgotten.

Reverend Father.

Don't tell me that you want him to keep going round doing...

No, Your Eminence.

You perhaps know

that I have never agreed with St Jerome or St Augustine.

This poor body suffers enough.

St Jerome and St Augustine would be most dismayed.

Tell them and let me know.

But I need to let Giacinto know.

His head's in a muddle.

He thinks he's betrayed the Church because he's pinched a few butts.

Allow me, Your Eminence, to say, between you and me,

we've put Italy in the you-know-what.

I know very well what an effort you're making to change the Church,

but I want to tell you something.

Before we can change it, we have to save it.

Of course, Your Eminence.

Can't you see that its going to rack and ruin?

If we carry on like this, turning a blind eye,

giving rights and freedom to any idiot with a tongue in his mouth,

rest assured that everything will end up completely fucked.

Nation, church, family, religion, order, hierarchy, everything.

This is the road to disintegration.

But Giacinto...

can make everything all right again. I understand.

- Of course. - He would be a godsend.

And why not?

But this time, he'd be our man.

Raised by us especially for this purpose.

- Like a battery chicken. - Exactly.

This magnificent project that has cost me years of hard work

is suddenly going to the dogs, and for what reason?

Because of butts being groped.

The Lord's ways are infinite and they spread to many places.

Be careful. You're in danger of becoming a saint.

Heaven forbid, Your Eminence. I don't have such ambitions.

Always first in the race for sainthood, St Dominic used to say.

Hello.

Hello.

Yes, its me.

What?

Again?

No, this time he didn't just have a feel.

He did much more than that. Incredible.

Whats incredible?

Is he cured or not?

- Is he cured or not? - The jerk's cured.

I'm the one thats sick now.

What? Who's speaking?

Your Eminence, I kiss your hand.

Do you remember me? Father Scirer.

The senator came to me to be cured.

A brief but effective cure.

Of course. He's cured. He's well, perfectly well.

In fact, he's so well that he's gone back to Rome.

Sure? Yes, Your Eminence.

I kiss your feet, Your Eminence, and your hands. I kiss everything.

Damn.

Disaster! Disaster!

My career is kaput.

But now I'll say to this senator, to this son of a bitch,

that he must help me or I'm screwed.

At last.

Here's Carmelino.

That idiot always forgets his keys.

Carmel...

Father Scirer, what are you doing here?

21. 21. I'm ruined.

- I'm finished, done for. - What are you doing?

Whats wrong, Father?

I'm ill. Very ill.

Ruin, disaster. This is the end for me.

You didn't just have a dream, sir,

you actually did what you thought you were dreaming.

What?

When all your instinctive forces break free

after an excessively long period of inhibition,

there is always, to use the technical term, a real mess.

A real mess.

Father, could you explain this a bit better?

- Here. - No, I don't drink.

Last night you dishonored my entire convent.

You used my nuns to relieve your bestial instincts.

You dared to abuse 21 immaculate bodies.

21 bodies.

- 21. - How did I do it?

Perhaps you had a lot of catching up to do.

Whats this idiot doing?

This is Carmelino.

21 immaculate bodies.

- Giacinto... - 21 immaculate bodies!

Are you crazy? Open up!

Father Scirer.

- I get along well with my nuns. - Father Scirer, come on.

- Whats he doing? - He mustn't see that I'm here.

He thinks you're cured.

He doesn't know anything. He doesn't know about the 21 nuns.

Just as well. Thats something, at least.

If he finds out he'll send me to Korea.

Open up! Giacinto! Open up!

Come on, Giacinto! Get a move on!

Where shall I put him? In the shower.

I've got something important to tell you.

These Dominicans are so heavy.

Stay here, Father. Don't move and, above all, don't breathe a word.

Who's got any breath left, sir?

- Come on! Open up! I'm getting angry. - I'm coming, Your Eminence.

I'm sorry, Your Eminence. I wasn't dressed.

And how are you dressed now? Like a chicken?

Its Republic Day. I have to go to the Quirinal.

Thats why I'm here.

To find out if you want to be in the blessed Quirinal or not.

Of course I do. I've done everything I can and I'm getting ready.

- Do you understand? - I understand. Torsello's winning.

For a moment I even thought about making a pact with him.

But the idiots honest.

I'm sorry, Your Eminence, but I had to go away because I was...

Because I had...

I know everything.

Its the worst thing that could happen to me.

But its not my fault, its a...

an illness.

Giacinto, you've risked messing everything up with this nonsense.

But now you're cured.

Completely cured.

I'm happy. Its all right.

And now that everything's back to normal

its best not to mention the subject any more.

I won't mention it again, I promise you.

Now lets think about these gentlemen.

The important ones can be counted on one hand.

The rest are like the balls on an abacus.

They're all just a number. Am I right, Giacinto?

As for the Italians, they don't give a damn.

All they think about is football and the San Remo festival.

Carmelino. Excuse me a moment, Your Eminence.

- Carmelin... - At last, sir.

I was beginning to worry.

I was calling all morning but there was no answer.

I was afraid you'd forgotten about the reception at the Quirinal.

But as you can see I've organized the procession.

One minute.

Keep Cardinal Maravigli company. I'm going to finish getting dressed.

Sir? There's nobody here.

What do you mean, nobody?

Where is he? Where could he have gone?

Oh, God, he's gone to the bathroom.

My heart... My heart...

Fornari was looking for you. And Senator Torsello, yesterday and today.

The chief of police and General Brofferio have called several times.

They both seemed very impatient.

Giacinto, Mr. President! Come up here, I'm waiting for you.

Beautiful husband, come here.

Giacinto! Are you coming?

Come to mama.

Are you scared? Come on, we'll have fun.

Come here, sir.

Handsome senator.

He's been riding me for 100 years, but thats enough now. I want you.

Every year on June 2 a crowd of celebrities

is found in the magnificent gardens of the presidential palace.

Here's Senator Puppis greeting the diplomatic mission from China,

with whom we have time-honored bonds of friendship.

Senator Puppis' face is tense

because of the worries of this difficult political period

and because he is aware that he is running against Senator Torsello,

whose hand he cordially shakes.

Senator Torsello is having a friendly conversation

with the political secretary of the party with the relative majority,

Senator Fornari.

You've almost won the fifth round.

You can catch your plane without any worries.

I'll catch my plane but nobody will stop me thinking

that you're about to shaft me.

The trumpet fanfare announces the arrival of Amphitryon.

The guests gather round him

and offer him greetings.

The ceremony comes to its most important part.

This meeting with the eminent man, now at the end of his term in office,

today assumes...

It all has to happen to me.

Questions left, right and centre, the police... What a day!

Whats all this mess? Look at that jacket.

What a state!

The senator must have come back. Just as well. He can sort it out.

He's gone out again. He's left the TV on.

Its the same old story. As soon as I turn my back everything's topsy-turvy.

Look at this. Even his shoes.

If its this messy here I dread to think what state he's left the bathroom in.

If he's had a shower there will be water all over the floor.

There's even a monk. Whats he doing, sleeping?

He's dead. Holy Madonna!

We foreigners don't grasp some of the subtleties

of your political speeches.

Really?

- Who is he? - The French ambassador.

For example, your recent pronouncements on the dollar crisis

were rather obscure.

Would you mind clarifying them?

- Who, me? - Yes. You are an eminent economist.

Yes, of course.

Its very simple.

Considering the Italian economic situation,

delicate but undoubtedly fertile with positive developments,

I see...

Unfortunately I see...

Oh, God. What can I see?

I see that the dollar is in crisis, certainly, but...

it is a stable crisis

because it doesn't cover...

I should say that it covers very little and it is too low.

The framework of convergence... A very interesting framework, since...

They have political maturity

even if the convergence has to adapt to the dollar

to cover...

- My wife. - Better that way.

Its insufficient to cover the whole financial field

given the tension of the new balances.

Clearer than that...

Pardon my curiosity, Sir.

I haven't quite understood. Maybe...

its a question of language.

Right. Perhaps... language.

Yes, but...

I don't understand your thoughts on the crisis.

My husband and I often talk about the dollar.

Can't you see?

If you come with me I'll show you.

- Will you? - Happily.

May I? Excuse us, its a very delicate matter.

Come, Madam, I will explain it to you.

- Sir, my husband... - Don't worry. You'll explain later.

Come, come.

Are you sure you want to know all my thoughts?

- Sure. - Good. In such case...

This way.

- Where? - In that bush.

Nobody will disturb us. Come on.

But, Sir, I don't think we should...

What are you doing?

Ambassador.

- Not that. - Whats that for?

Sir!

Ambassador!

Vive la France!

Senator, I need to speak to you. Its urgent.

Its a matter of national importance that has to be dealt with now.

Every detail has been considered, Senator.

Exactly three hours and 20 minutes after zero hour

the operation will begin.

We will take over the radio and television networks,

the post office, the railways and the main ministries,

finance, internal affairs and the treasury.

- Treasure! - What do you say, sir?

The treasury, sir.

Is that all?

Thats all, sir. Its a very quick operation.

Sir, perhaps I didn't make myself clear. Is something the matter?

Damn! This is real pornography.

Thank you.

The senator needs to know.

Dead. I found him dead in the bathroom. I need to tell the senator.

You have to tell whom? You have to tell the senator?

You have to tell me. Just me.

This is our business.

A dead monk in the bathroom? Its unhygienic.

We need to act, not talk. Come on. Get a move on.

Its the truth. Why are you doing this?

- Tell me where you're taking me. - Shut up.

- Where are we going? - To canonize the Dominican.

Are you listening to me or not, Senator?

We've got a list of arrests we'll make. Precautions, you understand.

Would you like to take a look, sir?

Its a complete list. Leaders of the opposition parties, anarchists...

- The prefects are with us. - The prefects? Why?

Senator, please listen to me. Wait.

Its a historic event for our nation. We'll wait for your order.

Senator, are you leaving us like this...

It looks like we're being taken for a ride.

With 20,000 men and 200 tanks in the Eternal City for the June 2 procession

we can do it on our own, damn it.

Please stop talking your usual nonsense, Colonel.

Yes, sir.

Its time to put an end to the puppets.

We need to speak to the puppeteer.

Right. Who would that be, the puppeteer?

The cops are watching us.

Scirer.

Beautiful words,

but would you be kind enough to tell me what you want from me?

The situation calls for drastic intervention.

My dear fellows, consider how things are going

in our... your beloved country.

A good father who loves his sons can only hope for them to repent.

You know that we are impartial.

If the Church is consulted it can give advice but only if this is legal.

It cannot intervene if it is against the law.

Your Eminence, I didn't mean anything outside the boundaries of the law.

But on the other hand I can't deny

that we look favorably upon the election of Senator Puppis

to the highest office of state.

Perhaps you gentlemen don't agree.

No, its right. He's the man we need. I've always said so.

However, we must recognize, my dear friends, that the current situation...

Your Eminence.

Bardolino.

...that the situation that has arisen over the election of the president

makes us a little worried.

The nomination of Puppis has created a lot of obstacles.

That Senator Torsello, for example.

Make no mistake, he's a first-class person,

a very worthy man, I don't deny it, a secular...

Your Emi...

Excuse me.

In here?

Excuse me, fellows. I'll be back very soon.

Excuse me.

Go away, Bardolino.

Did you canonize Father Scirer as well?

No, Your Eminence, I promise you. He canonized himself.

Canonization by heart attack.

We just got rid of the traces.

He is being worshipped in Ireland.

Your Eminence...

A woman's knickers.

- Black. - With red ribbons.

Who do they belong to?

Whats all this about? Something to do with Father Scirer?

No... Giacinto had them.

Giacinto. Where is he?

At the reception.

We're screwed.

Cured? He's worse than he was before.

Giacinto doesn't feel up clothed butts any more.

They're not enough for him now. He wants more.

This is dangerous for all of us, the Church and the nation.

Go to him at once. Hurry.

Stay by his side. Watch him. Keep hold of him if you need to.

He must not do any more stupid things.

Go on. I'll be there soon.

I'll go at once, Your Eminence.

- Bardolino! - Yes, Your Eminence.

What am I supposed to do with it?

What do you think it is, a hat? Burn it!

Where on earth did he go?

This will be Carmelino.

Or maybe Scirer's come back.

What brings you to this part of the world, Sister?

You have the audacity to ask me this?

I almost broke the car to get to you.

Its your fault that I'm here.

You understand? You've dishonored the whole convent.

Please believe me, Sister, its not my fault.

I wasn't aware what I was doing.

You know about my sickness. A diabolical force urged me, urges me...

I'm not in control of my desire.

Perhaps you aren't completely guilty

because you're sick, very sick, you poor thing.

When you were in a trance you didn't understand.

But the reality is that you've got me into big trouble.

Now you must help me.

Me?

How can I, Sister? I can't.

Now you must repay me.

Sister, if I repay you I have to repay all the others.

I can't marry all of you...

Not marry me! That night I remained immaculate and a virgin.

A virgin?

Aren't you pleased?

Why not?

You abused everybody except me.

This is a very serious problem for me. You must help me.

I'd love to, but don't pretend to...

You should be ashamed. How can you think such a horrible thing?

I didn't think...

You have put great temptation in my body.

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't pray any more.

I have a great temptation that won't let me live.

- You must free me from this torment. - How?

I've tried everything but its no use.

Look. I'm even wearing a hair shirt.

Its a nice hair shirt.

Yes, but its no use.

Look at the hair shirt.

Cover yourself, please. Cover yourself.

You don't realize that I've got the same problem. Go away.

Go away. Go away.

I know, I know.

But you shouldn't ignore it.

You are strong.

You looked at our bodies

and tried to feel disgust, revulsion, didn't you?

Yes. I'm disgusted. Disgusted.

I'll help you and you can help me.

Do you agree?

How would I know?

The hair shirts really uncomfortable. I'm shaking all over.

Here.

Now you whip me.

And then I'll whip you.

But do you think...

Now you whip me until my body is covered in sores

and you feel disgusted.

And then I'll whip you and be disgusted with you.

Whip me.

I can't. I can't, Sister. Its cruel.

I feel ill.

- I feel ill. - Puppis!

- I need help. Open the door, I beg you. - I can't.

I've got to resist. I've got to resist.

I can't give in.

Puppis!

She's calling.

I'm being tempted, can't you understand?

You disgust me. I hate you!

How can I get rid of these thoughts in my head, my body?

Yes, the whip. The whip. I need it.

Fuck, that hurt.

No, I'll never be your victim.

I beg you, leave me in peace. I can't let myself be ruined.

Leave me in peace.

I beg you, remove the temptation.

You're right. Lets pray together.

Maybe he'll come.

He? Who is he?

Perhaps you're not praying to him.

Sister...

Sister, I beg you, go away. I'm sick and you know it.

The flesh is weak.

I can't bear it any longer. I can't bear it.

- We're disgraceful. - Really disgraceful.

I feel like a worm.

I'm an apple. The worm enters the apple.

The worm enters the apple.

Listen to the bells. They are saying farewell to purity.

Thats not bells. Its the doorbell.

- The doorbell? Oh, God, who can it be? - Who can it be?

- Carmelino. - Who's Carmelino?

- Sir, let me kiss your hand. - Jesus.

Damn!

What are you doing? Why don't you open the door?

- Senator! - Go away. Disappear.

If they find us together, we're finished. Go away.

You're my destiny now.

Yes, I know. Are you going to cry now?

But I'm going to be president. Do you understand?

You can't be an obstacle for me.

But... My head's spinning.

I don't understand anything any more.

Satan. You're Satan.

Satan.

But I'm not going to surrender.

Get back, Satan. Go away.

Get back. Go.

What do I mean, get back? Stop.

- My little Satan. - Puppis.

Open your eyes so I can fall into them.

You are my destiny.

- Who cares about the rest? - We don't care.

We don't care.

- Senator! - Come on.

We need to use force. Come on.

Damn. They've gone out.

They've left us looking like a load of jerks.

He's stubborn, that one.

He's canonizing all of them.

While supersonic planes shoot across the sky,

the great June 2 parade of men and vehicles begins.

An impressive crowd has gathered behind the barriers

to witness this demonstration

of our country's progress in the field of national defense.

The holders of the highest offices of state are present on the balcony.

The only one missing is Senator Puppis,

who, suffering from a slight indisposition,

sent the following telegram to the head of state.

"Unable to participate. Splendid show.

"Our armed forces participate in the spirit that animates the show,

"awakening great pride in the Italian people."

Did you write this telegram?

Wait a minute.

Here are the motorized troops, perfectly aligned.

Me? This is model 14a used for absence from national celebrations.

In a military style. In a military style.

Who cares about telegrams?

Please let me see the soldiers.

I love soldiers.

Don't act like a German. Make love.

A band!

One, two, one, two...

Thats Turchetti. Whats he doing there?

Wasn't he too ill to vote?

Good, Senator Turchetti.

He will pay for this.

Whats that?

- A missile. - A missile?

Wonderful!

Your Eminence, they've been locked in Room 7 since last night.

He's a real Sicilian man.

- Don Gesualdo. - He hasn't even eaten.

What are we doing celebrating Sicilian masculinity?

Lets go. No bungling.

Lets go, boys, and save our nation.

- Who is it? - Breakfast, ma'am.

Its you. I couldn't find you.

Come here next to me, my little Satan.

My little Satan? Has it come to this?

You, Your Eminence?

So Satan's become a term of endearment?

Anything's possible after the ecumenical council.

Get up, get dressed and come with me.

- Hurry up. - One moment, Your Eminence.

If you intend to give me one of your usual sermons against women,

I'm warning you that I'm not in the mood for listening.

There.

What did you say?

Yes, and I'm warning you that I intend to retire from political life.

What?

Look, Your Eminence, I've realized that a political career is important,

but there are so many other things that...

What other things?

What other things?

Have you gone crazy?

Your brain's been addled by a whore of a woman.

A political career may not interest you any more,

but it interests us, right?

Get that into your head.

Calm down, Your Eminence.

The point is that I'm not the person I was before.

I don't give a fuck about that.

Do what you want. But you can't ruin us because of your...

I know. It seems a trivial reason in the light of such great matters.

But its important for me, believe me.

Giacinto, you can't just drop everything.

You're up to your neck in it.

And remember, when we made a career for you

we used false records.

I do have personal merits too.

What merits?

You'd be nothing without me.

We've done all kinds of vote-rigging and electoral fraud for you, Giacinto,

and you know it.

- I don't know anything. - Don't be such a Jesuit.

You're talking to me, Giacinto, not to some stupid shop assistant.

You know about all these things.

OK, I know about them.

One act of blackmail for another.

You want a president? Good.

You will have the biggest pimp in Italy's history for president.

I'll eclipse the fame of the Gentleman King, the acts of the Duce.

Unfortunately we don't have a choice.

Do what you want once you're president.

Turn the palace into a brothel if you like.

But first you have to become president

and in order to be elected you have to do what I say.

I'll do what I say.

What are you saying? You've always been a puppet in my hands.

Until yesterday, Your Eminence. Until yesterday.

Today I'm cured.

I'm no longer the puppet who hated women as you taught me to.

I'm no longer the kid who was bewitched by your words.

All right, all right.

If you say that you're cured, come with me.

- Where? - To church, to pray.

Carmelino.

This is St Proculus, Giacinto.

A great saint who spent his whole life consoling those close to him.

Look at him. Look, Giacinto.

He's a martyr.

He's the great saint of the afflicted who helps those who pray to him.

Don't you like him?

Now come. Come, my son.

Come on, Giacinto. Get up. Get up.

Look. Don't be afraid.

Perhaps you prefer this saint.

This is St Dominic of Guzman.

He was the founder of the Dominican order.

- He was a great enemy of heresy. - Lucion.

- But these are... - They're saints.

Protectors of Italy.

Look at them all while you're praying, Giacinto,

because their sacrifice should not have been in vain.

Their sacrifice, like that of all the other saints here,

should serve you, my son.

You. To help you.

If you want to go on, and if you want to turn back,

this should be an example to you.

Well, Giacinto, what shall we do?

I'm ready to do whatever you want.

- With just one hope. - What?

That you will soon become a saint just as you deserve.

All right. Now we can go. As you wish.

But its going to be hard to beat Torsello now.

All we can do is trust in Providence with our hearts and souls.

The whole nation mourns

the unexpected, tragic death of the great politician

who seemed destined to achieve

the greatest recognition of his long and intense life

spent serving his ideals of liberty and democracy,

which are the foundation of our progress as citizens.

The funeral Mass was said by His Eminence Cardinal Maravigli,

a great friend and admirer of the deceased.

Here we see him deep in prayer

before giving absolution to the carefully reconstructed body.

The most important political figures of our country were all present

to pay their respects to a loyal and honest man.

I always said that sooner or later you'd have shafted me.

Whats happening with Camera Two?

The new president is very religious.

Three, two, one...

Italians,

as I prepare to take on this very high office,

to which I have been called by Parliament,

my hope, my wish, my unerring desire

is to bring about broader and more complete social and political progress

in our national community.

I want to repeat that democracy means freedom

but also conscience, responsibility, risk.

There's a Risk. Very good.

A round of applause for Mr. Antonio Gazza who's playing for a million lire.

Think very carefully before answering.

Remember that the whole of Italy is hanging on your every word.

Have a good look and tell me the name of this singer...

Iva Zanicchi.

Iva Zanicchi. Very good.

THE END