Original subtitles

BIG PETE: It all started right here on the 50-yard line,

with a sky-high whirling discus throw

that killed an innocent squid.

It ended here, too.

On Valentine's Day at 7:07 a.m.

in a massive showdown between me and this gruesome,

sandwich-eating mutant named OpenFace.

We stood right on this spot,

hating each other's guts in the freezing cold until...

well, you'll find out.

My name's Pete, by the way.

This here is my brother Pete.

Yeah, we come back here every now and then

to pay respects to the squid I killed.

It's true. I killed it.

But it was an accident, I swear.

You see, my dad's this guy who always wanted

to be a discus thrower in the Olympics.

Sometimes he even sneaks out at night

and pretends he's champion of the world.

He kept bugging me to practice,

so at least someone in our family

could be on a cereal box.

I said...

No, thanks.

But then the guilt started getting to me,

and one February night, I gave in.

I felt like a spaz king out there

with my friend Ellen and Pete,

but then I thought of my poor dad, and I let one rip.

It was a toss I think he would've been proud of,

if only it hadn't crash-landed

right on our sacred school mascot:

Edna, the fighting squid.

Ellen said...

We have to tell Mr. Beverly.

The guy who owned the squid,

but luckily, he was sound asleep,

cause I had a much better idea.

Let's bury it.

So we did... in a special place

where I figured school mascots deserved to go:

the 50-yard line.

You swear that you won't tell?

I swear.

What if they dip you in acid?

I'll never tell, Pete, no matter what,

even if they lower me inch by inch

into the molten lava of a live volcano.

My secret was safe forever...

or so I thought.

Then I made the mistake of falling for my math teacher,

Miss Fingerwood, and things kind of went...

Kablooie.

Subtitle Rip: uNCeNSoReD

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� Don't you talk back � � Ay-yi-yi-yi �

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You don't have to be a math genius

to figure out that the chance I had

of getting Miss Fingerwood to like me

was about 950 million to one.

That's her.

She's a total maniac

about math, but even so, she'd say stuff

that just killed me.

I'll never forget that Christmas morning.

The river was 1.3 miles wide, and there I was,

swimming the Australian crawl

at a forward acceleration of .04 seconds per second!

( breathes deeply )

Plus, there was something about the way

she drew her twos that I liked a lot.

The problem was I wasn't the only one

with Miss Fingerwood on the brain.

It turned out that Mr. Beverly, this guy who paints the lines

in all the playing fields-- he liked her, too.

Stay off the line!

He lived in a shack on the edge of the school grounds

and took care of the squid, when it was alive.

Like Miss Fingerwood, he was also a slave to math,

working late into the night

making geometrically perfect lines

while she stayed late

calculating the square root of infinity.

I guess that's why he loved her.

Ellen thought they were made for each other,

but I knew if I could melt

Miss Fingerwood's mathematical heart,

she'd see that there was more to life than long division.

But I'd forgotten about one thing: OpenFace.

( bell rings ) Class!

OpenFace is my arch enemy:

an evil kid who always eats open-faced sandwiches,

even in church.

He's dedicated his life to making me miserable

ever since I stopped him

from electrocuting a Chihuahua. Get out of there! What are you doing!

When he realized I had a crush on Miss Fingerwood,

his mutant brain began to sizzle

like a fried meat loaf, and he hatched a diabolical plan

to destroy me and rule the school.

It all started with a visit to Mr. Beverly.

Hey, Mr. Beverly!

Beverly, I'm talking to you!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just, uh, lubricating the gyros.

H-Have we met?

The name is OpenFace,

and these are some of my esteemed colleagues.

But enough about me. Let's talk about you.

You're squid, and a math teacher

we like to call Miss Fingerwood--

you like her, don't you?

She's mathematically pure.

Exactly, and you don't want some bug-eyed redhead kid

slobbering all over her,

do you? Slobbering?

It's this Pete kid.

Stares at her and slobbers

all day long.

Someday, she may be slobbering back.

Who knows? She may be slobbering right now.

Not Miss Fingerwood. You fellas don't know her.

OPENFACE: Oh, and you do? Listen, Beverly.

I can help.

I'll talk to the flamehead and make him realize

there's other fish in the sea.

BEVERLY: You would do that for me?

Sure. And in return,

all you have to do is give me the squid.

Kid, squid.

It's that simple.

Where is it, anyway?

Edna? No, you can't... you can't have her.

No, she's, uh... o-off, uh...

Poor Mr. Beverly.

He just couldn't admit that Edna was missing.

He actually thought his beloved squid

had gotten jealous over Miss Fingerwood

and had run away from home.

I can't give up Edna.

You have to let go, Mr. Beverly.

It's cruel, I know, but love is cruel.

Besides, I love Edna, too,

and that's why I want to set her free.

Free!

Being the school mascot is no life for her.

I'll take her to the ocean and set her free.

Free among the friendly plankton of the deep.

And the shrimp cocktail.

You probably figured out

that OpenFace had no intention of setting Edna free.

He wanted the squid to serve his own twisted quest for power.

He knew that nobody would mess with him

if he was the keeper of the sacred fighting squid.

You won't hurt this kid, will you?

Me?

You'll just get him to stop slobbering.

Okay, it's a deal.

Just one more thing,

OpenFace. Yeah?

Stay off the line.

The deal was set.

Stop the kid, get the squid.

Perfect... except for one thing.

The squid was dead.

Of course, no one knew that except for us.

Mr. Beverly kept hoping and praying

that Edna was wiggling her way back home.

Edna!

Looking back, he must have felt

pretty torn up inside, but I did, too.

We were more than halfway through the school year,

and Miss Fingerwood still thought my name was...

Uh, Whizzer?

( laughing )

Pete. Just Pete.

The time had come to make my move,

so on the day we were supposed to read algebra word problems

we had written ourselves, I declared my love for her.

If one is the loneliest number, then X plus one

over the circumference of a full moon

equals the square root of eternity.

Us eating donuts together

beneath a willow tree.

Somehow, I don't think Miss Fingerwood got

the drift... but Ellen sure did.

ELLEN: How could you possibly be in love with Miss Fingerwood?

I don't know.

She swam across the Mississippi

on Christmas.

She's 31 years old and smells like chalk.

She doesn't act 31.

Pete, she calculates the speed of electricity for fun.

You just don't understand.

Sure, I do. Watch.

One, two, three, four...

What are you doing?

I'm counting to a million for fun.

Five, six, seven, eight...

I knew what Ellen was trying to do,

729, 730... but no matter how high she counted,

731... she'd always be a girl and a friend,

but not a girlfriend.

With Miss Fingerwood, I don't know.

It was like I felt drawn to her somehow.

Pete suggested expressing my true feelings

with powerful electromagnets,

when as suddenly as your dog barfing on a rug,

there they were.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the brothers Pete.

( spitting )

The whole gang was there.

It was Milk Mustache;

Ink Stain, whose pen always exploded;

Outie, who they say has an outie belly button

three inches long;

OpenFace, Gravy Breath and Butt Stripe,

this kid who always has mud on his butt

from riding his bike in the rain.

Hi, guys.

Ew, gravy breath. Ew!

We've come to offer you a little deal.

Free square dance lessons?

Try again.

Discount lube job?

Oh, enough funny stuff.

Butt Stripe, Ink Stain, hold him still.

Milk Mustache, make me an open-faced deviled ham sandwich.

I have a feeling I'm going to need some quick energy.

What he needed energy for, of course,

was to pummel me in areas he had marked out

on an Visible Man model.

You stay away from Miss Fingerwood,

understand, Flamehead? Why?

Here's why!

Do we understand each other?

No poems, no slobbering.

You so much as look at Miss Fingerwood,

and you'll be eating OpenFace knuckle sandwiches forever.

So, what do you say, you freckled freak?

Eat cheese.

Ink Stain, make me an open-faced liverwurst sandwich!

I think we're going to be here for a while.

and I'm starting to feel liverwursty all of a sudden.

BIG PETE: Hi. Seven...

What happened to you?

734,683...

I guess some people want me to stop slobbering

over Miss Fingerwood.

Oh, yeah? 734,684...

But I don't care!

What should I do?

Here's an idea!

Hey, we built that together!

You painted the esophaguses! You painted

the esophaguses.

I painted the spleen.

Here's the pancreas.

Let me see.

Ellen, I really need your help.

Not this time, Pete.

I mean, it's just...

She knows the speed of electricity,

and considering you never wrote me an algebra poem,

I just don't think

we can be friends anymore.

Hey, but what about the squid secret?

Doesn't that mean anything?

After the big blow-up over Miss Fingerwood,

Ellen wouldn't even look at me.

I tried catching her eye while we were out

in math class calculating the rotation ratio

of the solar system when all of a sudden,

Pete! a miracle happened.

Pete, what in heaven's sweet name happened to you?

You look like you were hit by a two-ton truck

traveling at 7,800 feet per second.

( sighs )

Uh-oh. OpenFace's strategy

had backfired.

Miss Fingerwood was starting to fall for me.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, oh.

Mr. Beverly must've seen

it all and had some sort of breakdown,

because he started roaming the streets at dawn,

painting wobbly lines and talking to himself.

Miss Fingerwood?

Guess again.

Oh!

( coughs )

Oh, OpenFace, I can't take this anymore.

I saw them.

Uh, oh... oh, they were...

You promised. We made a deal.

Patience, Beverly, patience.

Until the power of the squid is in my possession...

I-I mean, until I can set Edna free...

Free!

OPENFACE: Nothing will stop me, nothing!

Ink Stain, we need a plan.

Let's... let's blackmail the flamehead.

GANG: Yeah! Blackmail!

All right, quiet.

We need some dirt on the kid.

There are ways, boss.

Yeah!

I don't care what you do, just... just make him stop.

And do it they did.

OpenFace knew that every kid has

a secret to hide, and if he could just dig up mine,

he could destroy me forever.

His first target: Pete.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the littlest, tiniest,

teeniest Pete of them all.

Take a sponge bath, Hammerhead.

They tell me you got a tattoo under that sleeve.

Tattoo of a little lady.

( muttering angrily )

Look, there she is, boss.

Isn't she beautiful?

Oh, my.

I wonder how she'd look with a handlebar mustache?

What do you blowholes want from me?

Just a little information about your brother.

Bite the wind!

Very well, maybe this goatee will help

change your mind.

Yeah! Yeah!

Not a goatee!

Surely there must be one tiny secret

out there you can share with us.

Never!

Okay, little Pete boy.

You asked for it!

Pete never cracked.

No way.

So OpenFace set his sights on the only person left

who could tell it all--

Ellen.

At first, I didn't think she'd fall

for his cunning mutant charms.

You look as lovely

as the Hoover Dam today, Ellen.

But he kept pouring it on.

Would you care for

a cheddar and flounder open-faced sandwich?

No, thanks.

But I'm melting the cheese

with the radiant power of your glowing beauty.

Well...

Thanks.

When finally,

the impossible happened,

and Ellen said yes to a date with the sandwich eater.

I told myself it didn't matter.

Once I gave my Valentine to Miss Fingerwood,

all my troubles would be over.

As I sat waiting for her to finish an equation she invented

for measuring hiccup velocity below the equator,

I saw these kites dancing around in the February sky,

and I knew Ellen was out there in her lucky red boots,

smiling at OpenFace.

Mm, there's nothing like a hot liver and gravy sandwich

when you're flying a kite.

Tasty, isn't it?

Ever see a deer get hit by a car?

And the best part is,

if you take the square root of the difference

and subtract the coefficient,

you almost always get an integer that's prime.

Neat.

Where do you buy your shoes?

Sometimes, when a kite is pulling really hard,

doesn't it seem like it's trying to get free or something?

It better not. They cost $6.99 each.

I had this dream once.

I had dreamed that the area of a circle,

instead of being Pi r squared, was Pi r to the third.

Can you believe that?

I've never told anyone that.

I'm so embarrassed.

I dreamed I was a little blue dog once.

I never told anyone this,

but I just got to get it off my face... chest.

You don't have to.

No, no. I want to.

I don't want there to be any secrets between us.

Well, okay.

FINGERWOOD: Pete, you said

there was something you wanted to show me.

Pete?

Show you?

Uh, it's this new solar-powered

calculator I bought.

Oh, wow.

Rays of light traveling 93 million miles through space

just so you can do math.

That kind of makes you think,

doesn't it?

Yeah.

And that's what happened.

I don't know what to say, OpenFace.

I mean, that's a pretty horrible thing to do.

Throwing your own uncle out of a plane?

He landed on a lake.

All right, all right.

I know, it was a horrible secret,

but I'm glad I told you.

I am.

Now, is there anything you'd like to tell me?

Some deep, dark secret nobody knows about?

Well,

there is this one thing.

Something about you and Pete?

( sighs )

If you like me,

you'll tell me.

I went to bed early that night,

hoping to blot out the image of Ellen's red boots.

Everything seemed so stupid.

Squid one squared, times the square root of squid two...

When all of a sudden...

( bleats )

999,999.

One million.

( glass breaking )

OPENFACE: Dear Carrot Head.

Let's settle this mess once and for all.

Meet me at Langley Field

an hour before homeroom, you miserable wuss.

Sincerely yours, OpenFace.

BIG PETE: So this was it.

The final showdown with OpenFace.

I didn't know what tricks

he had up his mutant sleeve and I didn't care.

All I knew was, I had to get Ellen back

and I had to do it alone.

It would be one Pete against the world.

Morning, Carrothead.

Fancy meeting you here.

I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine.

Mr. Beverly, Pete.

And of course,

you know Miss Fingerwood.

Miss Fingerwood, meet everyone's

favorite squidmeister, Mr. Beverly.

The pleasure's mine.

Eugene, why did you ask me here today?

Eugene?

Shut up!

I called you here this morning 'cause there are

a few things I think you'd like to know.

Right, Pete?

Right.

Mayday! Mayday!

Come in, Ellen!

Ellen, do you read?

Ellen!

Pete, what's wrong?

Pete's in trouble at Langley.

Needs help!

OpenFace knows his secret.

You didn't tell him did you?

Hello, Ellen? Ellen!

So, do we understand each other?

No, I don't think so.

You stop slobbering over Ellen,

and I'll... I'll...

Stop slobbering over Miss Fingerwood?

Yeah.

Well, well, well.

So I guess things with you and Miss Fingerwood

didn't quit add up.

Pete?

You sure draw great twos, though.

Let me ask you this, lover boy.

How will things add up with you and Ellen

when you realize she told me the secret.

She told you?

OPENFACE: Oh, it was

a special moment we had,

just me and her, staring into each other's eyes.

I guess we were meant for each other.

And that's why there's one more thing you have to do.

I want you to swear

that you'll stay away from her forever-- or else.

Or else what?

I'll tell all your friends here your pathetic little secret.

What do you care about Ellen?

She betrayed you.

I'm giving you five seconds to make up

your puny mind.

Five. She ruined you.

Four!

You'll go to jail.

Three.

Two point five!

Two.

Pete!

It's a trick!

One.

You can't tell the secret, OpenFace.

And why is that?

Because I'm going to tell it first.

No!

Mr. Beverly, your squid is dead.

I killed it with a discus.

Pete! No!

I didn't tell him.

He wanted me to tell him,

but I didn't tell him.

You didn't tell?

You murdered Edna?

You squashed the squid?

What was the impact velocity?

I don't know. It was an accident.

Where is she now?

Where is my Edna?

Come on, Mr. Beverly.

I'll show you.

Right here.

Me, Ellen and my brother Pete

buried her right here on the 50-yard-line,

where she belongs.

Was she wearing her school uniform?

Yes, sir.

Did you sing the school song?

We hummed it.

That's what I would have done.

It's hard to remember all those words.

I couldn't believe it.

After all I'd gone through,

Mr. Beverly just looked into my eyes and forgave me.

Just like that.

Maybe because Miss Fingerwood smiled at him.

Maybe because

it was Valentine's Day.

You died with dignity, Edna,

like a fighting squid should.

Wait, wait. What's going on here?

Mr. Beverly, this kid

squashed your squid.

I mean, my squid.

Edna is with us all now, OpenFace.

No, she's not.

She's six-feet underground, decomposing.

OpenFace, you're disgusting.

I was going to set her free, Ellen.

Free!

Would you shut up?

We had a deal, Mr. Beverly. Tell them.

I get you Miss Fingerwood, you give me the squid.

Mr. Beverly!

I was jealous.

I didn't know what to do.

I don't know what to say.

Before you say anything, would you come with me?

As for you,

OpenFace, stay off the line.

You cannot do this.

I am OpenFace!

You heard him, Eugene. Scram!

I'll be back.

Come on, guys.

Let's get out of here.

Even though he never stopped the kid

or got the squid, OpenFace did do one thing right.

He gave Mr. Beverly a chance

to deliver his Valentine to Miss Fingerwood.

Happy Valentine's Day.

I made it for you.

Wow.

It's geometrically perfect in every way.

I knew you'd like it.

That is so romantic.

Do you think Mr. Beverly gave her a Valentine?

I don't know, but here's one for you.

I made it myself.

Happy Valentine's Day, Ellen.

Thanks, Pete.

It's beautiful.

Well, I guess we don't have our big secret anymore.

There'll be other secrets, Pete.

I just know there will.

� Are you crazy man �

� You didn't notice her? �

� Well, you must be blind �

� 'Cause all I do now �

� Is think about how �

� She will be mine �

� I couldn't stand up �

� I couldn't sit down �

� One look at her and I... �