All language subtitles for Very Important People s01e12 Augbert.eng

- Hi, I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan.

They're gonna put a
lot of shit on my face.

(upbeat music)

- [Vic] Today we're giving this comedian

a total transformation.

- Ugh, oh.

That was genuine.

That was a genuine trip.

- [Vic] They have no idea who

or what they're about to become.

- Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Oh, that's wonderful.

- [Vic] Once they see
themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up
a character on the spot

and then sit down with me
for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

- In the wardrobe room
there were cooling packs

and right now the effect
that they are having

on my body is nothing short of a miracle.

- [Tamar] Three, two, one!

(Brennan wheezes)

(slow claps)

- You can't tell where the beard
ends and the clothes begin.

Look at me, wow.

What I love how this
dude is he is so warm.

But then, sandals.

Wow, this guy is great.

I have been living in the Taiga for years

hunting only adult bear.

So, my supplement regime...

(crew laughing)

Oh, a true caveman influencer.

We've seen what the wheel can do...

(crew laughing)

I am a podcaster.

We have cars that we run
with our feet, right?

But what if there was a big car

that went from the
quarry to the ribs place

as a scheduled stop?

So like Silicon Va-

Granite Valley, Carbon Valley.

We have a ping-pong table.

It's made out of granite.

It's in the break room.

Have as many ribs as you want.

We're a family here.

What do I need to do to get you into

a brontosaurus today?

Good afternoon, class.

My name is Beauregard St. Vincent

and I shall be your theater instructor!

And then the other one
is, I'm from the woods.

And that's just where we start it.

(upbeat, funky music)

(cameras clicking)

- This is scalding.

I burned my tongue and now
I can't taste anything.

(cameraman clears throat)
I-

We all have a story to tell.

And sometimes that story needs
to be shared with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis,

back with another edition
of "Very Important People."

Please, introduce yourself.

(snoring)

(clapping)

(startled grunt)

Okay, and-

(panicked screeching)

(panicked screeching)

Sorry, can you intro-

(screeching)

What is your name? Okay, it's fine.

Hi, it's okay. Hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey! No no no-

It's fine. It's okay.

Okay, hey, hi.

What's this?

(man murmuring)
Oh, oh, what's this?

Hi, hi. Oh, yeah.

- Soup?

- Yeah, there you go.

What's your name?
- Huh?

- What's your name? Hi.

- I'm from the woods.

(tense music)

- You're from the woods?

Okay, wonderful, look at that.

How fun!

Good friend. Yeah, yeah.

- Okay.

- Hey, we're not gonna hurt you.

There we go! Look at that!

Oh, how fun!

So-

(man burps)

(heavy breathing)

- I need to get back.

- To?

- The cottage.

I feel asleep.

(blowing)

I fell asleep in a glade.

- Okay, so I was told that we had

a sort of an eccentric physicist that was

coming on the show today.

- Bissamis.

Christmas?
- Physicist.

- Physicist, exactly.

- Are you a physicist, sir?

- We don't have time.

You're dead.

- I'm dead?

- You're as good as dead.

- I don't like hearing that from you, sir.

Listen, can we get your name, maybe?

Maybe we can help ya out.

It sounds like there's
been some mass confusion

and someone's getting fired, right?

So why don't we go ahead,

let's get your name and why
don't we get you out of here?

How about that?

- Augbert.

- Augbert?

Is that your last name?

- Yep.
- What is your first name?

- You got it.
- You got it?

- My last name.
- Augbert.

- Augbert.

- First name?
- Yep.

- You have to know how names work.

- It's the last name, because
it's the last name I'll have.

I'm dead.

(tense music)

- You are not dead.

- Augbert.

- You are in a studio right now, actually,

in Los Angeles, California.

- None of these people are talkin'.

- Well, that's 'cause we
are rolling on camera-

Sir. Augbert.

Augbert?

- If you're dead you have to tell me!

- You don't- We're not dead.

Okay- Hey Augbert, why
don't we get you a seat?

That one is heavy, so
why don't we, here we go.

Look at this.

- This soup tastes like
it got no meat in it.

- Well, it's coffee, so that would be why.

Okay, and so why don't we go ahead

and let's just get you a-

Why don't we get ya a seat, Augbert?

Thank you so much, PAs, for helping out.

- Okay.

Your name is Nance.

- Vic.
- Vic.

- Augbert, you say you came from...

- The woods.

- The woods. What woods did you come from?

- You remember the old
well? Past the chapel

with the fallen stone?

When the shadows came, we all
had to leave into the woods.

- Okay, Augbert, this is, um...

How do I say this?

Uh, nonsensical.

- The chapel with the old stones!

You go east as the crow flies

and you come out near the glade.

- Augbert? Augbert, let's just-

Why don't we just slow
down for a second, okay?

- I agree. You're moving so fast.

You're moving way too fast.

- We're gonna strip this-

Augbert, how about this.

What's the last thing you remember?

Augbert?
- Yep.

- Augbert.
- I'm listening!

- What's the last thing we remember here?

How did we get into this
studio today, right?

- Your answer's as good as mine.

I went to the glade like I always do.

But shadows had crossed over,

the little ones, they had moved some

of the toadstools from the outside

and the shadows moved
upon the face of the grass

and I heard the wind in my
heart and I fell asleep.

And then I woke up in that chair.

- Okay, toadstools.

Pacific Northwest, it's sounding like.

Wonderful, okay-

I know the area a little bit.

Maybe outside of...

Any cities close by? Seattle?

- Cities aren't safe anymore.

And I'll tell you why.

(gurgling)

- You're blowing bubbles.

- Oh, I'm drinking.

- I don't think you're drinking any.

- We moved to the woods 'cause the towns

and cities weren't safe anymore.

My pappy took me when I was a little boy.

My mother, she wandered off.

The last time I saw her she was standing

on the banks of the river

and she looked at me and she said,

"If you ever speak to
me again, I'll kill ya."

And then she walked into the water

and I never saw her again.

- She drowned?

- Maybe.

- What is the name of the
country in which you live?

- Newfoundland.

- Oh, you're Canadian.

He's Canadian.

This makes a little bit more sense.

We do things a little
bit differently here in-

Okay, so I did notice

that you sort of came in with this bag.

So I was just wondering,
so what's in there?

Oh, thank you.

You know, it's funny,

I have a niece and she
does something similar.

- She's also a physicist.

- So you are a physicist!

- Ah, you got me!

- Okay.

- What's your question
about physics I can answer?

- Well, I had a
centrifugal force question,

but it feels like you're probably not

gonna know the answer to that.

- Why wouldn't I?

- Well, because you did
say you were a physicist

and sort of everything you've said up

to this point seems
like maybe you're having

a psychotic break.

- Well, I beg to differ.

If you had seen what I'd seen,

then everything I did and done made sense.

I'll put it to you this way:

centrifugal force is the force by which

an object moving around
a central point in orbit

exerts force, both in rotation

and attempting to eject from velocity-

- You are a physicist.

- Oh, I invented it.

- You invented physics?

- Yes.

- Okay, can we just-

And... May I?

- They're yours, so do
what you want with them.

- Okay, well, they're gifts

so I'll keep them in my lap.

Sir, I'm- I-
(bag slams)

We're just gonna sort of
go through the list here.

- Great.

- You're from the woods.
- From the woods.

- Mom walked into the water, said,

"Don't ever talk to me again."

- Okay.

- You...

Live in Newfoundland?

- I guess not right now.

Where'd you take me?
- Well, I didn't take you.

You showed up at the studio.

- I musta been blasted.

(crew member wheezes)

'Cause I have no recollection of that.

- God, you look so familiar.

(mystical music plays)

I can't place your face.

You look so familiar.

I feel like we've met before.

Okay, now this is making perfect sense,

and now I know where I've seen you.

In my dreams.

(smacking)

I think that's it.

I keep having a nightmare-

- Vic, there we go.

- And now it makes sense, right?

- Oh, it's good to see you.

- Okay, well, it's not a dream,

it's more of a nightmare.

And I'm sure you know, I'm in a box

and then that box gets pushed overboard.

- Yup.

- And then a voice says,

"You can either plug
the hole and suffocate

or you can pull it out and you can drown."

- I've been trying to
warn you for 1,000 years-

- I see, okay!

And I knew that you sounded so familiar.

- This is so funny.

- You're the merchant in my dreams!

- Yep.
- Okay!

I knew we'd get there and we did!

Fantastic!

How are you doing?

- Bad!

- How long have you been
in the physical realm?

- Well, we started talking
about eight minutes ago.

- Sure.

- And that's what it feels like,

how long I've been here.

- Did I will you here?

(wet belch)

- I have no memory of this studio

or this place before arriving here.

I feel like I was carted here,

but clearly someone got my
bag of rocks, so that's good.

- Well, that just showed
up on the set at one point

and I said, "Whose bag of rocks is this?"

I fired so many people.

- Just on the spot? You didn't-

- I was cranky.

I took a little power nap.

PA knock-knock-knocked on the
door, said time to get up.

I said, well, you're fired.

And that's sort of how we ended up here.

- You know, you can
get in a lot of trouble

for firing someone without cause.

- Okay, so- Augbert.

Just to sort of clarify for my sake,

and that is, uh-

(Augbert slurps)

I can't describe to you
how hot that coffee is.

(slurping)

Okay, Augbert, just for my
own sake of clarity here.

- Uh-huh.

- You are sort of a merchant of death

within my dreams, correct?

- I am from the earth.

You can't have a man from dreams.

Only monsters.

But do I walk in dreams?

Well, that's a question
for a bag of rocks.

- Okay, so I-

Wha- Okay, that is...
(rocks clatter)

- Here we go.

- So many rocks.

Augbert.
- What did ya say?

What? Yeah?

- Augbert, Augbert.
- Yeah.

- So, Augbert, question,

do you visit other people
or are you sort of,

is this a day job for you?

- Only you.

If you don't save us, we don't survive.

- Augbert, am I awake
right now or am I asleep?

Augbert?

And the rocks can just hang out.

Are you sitting on the rocks right now?

- I have to hatch one.

- You have to hatch a rock?

- They're not all rocks.

- Okay, I'll-
- Hey!

You're gonna do great.
- Okay.

- You have to save the whole world.

- Augbert?

- Yes?

- I'm gonna treat this like an interview,

because there's a lot
getting thrown at me.

- You should ask me-

- And this is all I know how to do.

- You should ask me questions,

because if you don't get
it right, we all die.

- Augbert?
- Yes.

- Do you know the way in
which to save the world

and you're choosing not
to tell me right now?

- If I tell you, then they'll hear.

- Augbert, who is "they?"

- Vic!

I can't be any clearer!

The shadows move on the grass.

That's why we had to move
to the cottage by the glade.

- How did you end up in the
dream realm in the first place?

- Well, it's a great question.

There's a bunch of berries

that grow at the top of the ridge.

And if you let 'em get bad enough,

if you let 'em get quite bad,

what you can do is, you ferment them.

- I'll just...

- And then you go to the
dream realm whenever you want.

Woop!

- Oh, why don't we just bring this

and then you can sort of
sit on your rocks over this?

- Let's try.

Now, I have a question for you.

- Well, why not?

(Vic laughs uncomfortably)

- Do you like what you do here?

- Yeah, it's fine.

- It's fine?

- You know, it's a job.

Do I like it?

Yeah.

Is it exactly what I set out
to do in the first place?

Uh, probably not exactly.

It's not bad. I mean it's-
Listen, a job is a job

and you've gotta be grateful
for a job at the end of day.

Do I wish maybe I was doing
more hard hitting news?

Do I wish maybe I had pieces

that made people feel something, perhaps?

But I...

Why is the fish turned away?

- They can see through anything with eyes.

(crew laughing)

So the dog.

Cat.

Dog.

All of them, they can see through-

- How do I get you back
from where you've come from?

- How do you get me back?

- How do I get you back from
where you're coming from?

You say you're from the earth,

but you can walk through dreams.

- I don't know that I need to go back.

I could live with you, at your house.

- You can't live with me in my house.

- Why not?

- I have so many people
living with me right now.

- How many?

- You would be my fourth.

- That's not too many.

- It's a two bedroom.

And a guest house.

- You have a guest house and
you're complaining about four?

- Okay, you know what?

That's actually more than enough from you.

(Augbert starts)
You're not answering

a single question in any
succinct kind of manner.

- If you're so mad at me,

maybe I'll go back to the dream realm!

- Okay, hold on, how about this.

Question for question.

I will ask you a question,
if you answer correctly,

then you can ask me a question.

I promise I'll answer honestly.

How about that? Does that sound fair?

- That sounds fair to me.

- Okay.

- This has eyes!

- Okay- Hey. Okay, all right. That's fine.

- That has eyes!

- Okay, I said are you ready? Here we go.

- Yes, I'm ready.

- All right, question number one.

How am I going to die?

- You're going to die...

When you are 95 years old.

You're gonna step out your front door

and there's gonna be
not a cloud in the sky.

- Augbert?

- Yes?

- You came and escaped
from the dream realm-

Okay, and it is time for
our commercial break.

(pleasant music plays)

We have Chompsky's-

Chompsky's potato chips.

The tastiest, chippiest, most amazing chip

in all of America.

So great you'll have to eat the whole bag.

(frenzied munching)

How do you like 'em ?

- It's mostly in my beard.

- Mm! That's tasty.

Okay, Augbert. Augbert!

Augbert, okay-

(high pitched tone)

Thank you so much, all right, Augbert.

That was one question from me.

It seems like I'm not dying anytime soon,

which means the reason that you're here

in the first place seems a
little bit null and void.

- Hm?

- You escaped from the dream realm

in order to come and tell me
that I was going to die soon.

And then you said "soon"
being when I'm 95 years old.

Yes, I suppose time is relative.

What was the urgency in this?

- You could be 95 tomorrow.

- I could be 95 tomorrow-?

- That's a second question.

- Okay, fine, then you ask me a question

and then I'd like to ask a follow up.

- Okay.

So, your two questions to me were,

"When am I gonna die?"

- Yes.

- A little rude to-

- How is that rude?

- That's a sad conversation.

- You came in and said I was going to die,

so I think that's a natural follow up.

- Okay!

- If I were to say, Augbert,
you're about to die.

- Great.
- What would your- No.

That would not be your true response.

- It hurts to be alive.

- Well...
- Yup.

- Okay, ask your question.

- Okay, here's my question for you.

Where does you go to the bathroom?

- You want to know where the restroom is?

- Oh, la, dee, da!

Where the restroom is!

I'm not gonna be doing
a lot of resting there.

- Okay, well-

- That's the first food I had in 30 years

and it's ripping and running through me.

- Augbert, if you take a left at the door

you can get to the bathroom.

- Great.

- Wait, Augbert?

Okay- Well maybe we do
that after the show.

How about that?

- I feel sick.

- Okay, well, this is not going
to be going on much longer

because we are gonna have to send you back

from wherever you've come from.

Because we do have a
physicist, that it sounds like,

is somewhere in the building
that needs to be interviewed.

- I have physics!

I know all about it.

- It does sound like you do
know some things about physics,

but there is a physicist who
we booked on the show today.

- Great.

- And I do not think that
you're Dr. Gloria Stainord.

(tense piano music)

- Dr. Gloria Stainord is here?

- Yeah, she's the physicist
we're interviewing after this.

- She's in the building right now?

- She's an award winning physicist

and she's in the building

and we're interviewing her after this.

Where are you going? Stop.

No!

It's just rocks, Augbert!

(clattering rock)
(tense music continues)

- The reason you're unhappy in your life

is 'cause it's always just rocks.

This couldn't exist

without a thousand, thousand years

of the most beautiful turning of things

that need not have happened, but did.

(yelling) And if you can't love this rock,

then you're never gonna love yourself!

Dr. Gloria Stainord is a shadow monster.

(off-camera wheezing)

- How'd-

How do you know that?

- Because she ate my dad.

(Vic sighs)

You see a lot of people walking around

who can eat a dad in one bite?

- No, I suppose you don't see-

- She looked like a person

and then she ate my dad in one bite,

and I said, probably a shadow monster.

But maybe you know more
about physics than me!

- Well, before you go find her,

I have some rapid fire questions.

- Great.

- That I am supposed to
ask you. Do you mind?

(rocks thud in bag)

- Go for it.

- All right.

Just gonna get my...

My glasses.

(Vic clears throat)

(pleasant music)

What is something you
have always wanted to try?

- Chip!

- Mission accomplished.

(munching)

What is a song you cannot
currently get out of your head?

♪ Oh, Mickey you're so fine ♪

♪ You're so fine, you blow my mind ♪

♪ Oh, Mickey ♪

[Together]
♪ Hey, Mickey ♪

- I like that song, actually.

- I wrote that.

- You wrote that?

- Is this one of the rapid fire questions-

- That is not one of the rapid fire.

- Or a different one?
- It's a different question.

And I apologize.

What is your pet peeve?

- Shadow monster.

- So to clarify, your biggest
pet peeve is "shadow monster?"

- When I have shadow monster
it's like, mm, not again!

- Augbert did you just
put a handful of chips

in your coffee?

- You want it?
- I do not.

- Have one!

- Oh, it's empty, yeah, I'll take one.

(chip crunches)

(muffled) No, there's still
a lot of coffee on that.

- The way I take the
coffee, it's mostly milk.

- Well, now it's mostly chips.

(Augbert chortles)

- What would you tell your childhood self?

Don't-

- That's a great point.

You should do comedy.

- I wouldn't know where to start.

We're gonna go ahead and do one more.

What would you tell your childhood self?

- Don't fall asleep in the glade.

(ominous music starts)
- Why?

- Huh?
- Why?

- Is that on the rapid fire?

- It's not on the rapid fire.
- Let me see!

I just wanna-
- I'm not gonna show you.

- Just let me-
- Well, you don't have to see.

Stop, don't. What are you doing?

You're not- Stop.

- Just let me see the rapid fire!

- Okay, well there's a lot of people

on this set doing nothing!

- Hey, hey, hey!

Hey.
- What?

- I'm not your enemy.

Dr. Gloria Stainord's your enemy.

- She seems like a lovely woman.

In the pre-interview she gave me cookies.

- She gave my daddy cookies.

She gave him so many
cookies to sweeten him up.

So that when she ate him in one bite,

he tasted like oatmeal raisin.

- Okay, well, to that point.

Actually, we have a photo

that we would like you to take a look at.

- Okay.

- Because we're talking a
lot about your father being

eaten by a shadow monster,

we actually have a photo for you,

that we'd like you to take a peek at here.

(music shifting from tense to mournful)

- I haven't seen that in so many years.

It's my twin brother.

Bogbert.

- [Vic] Augbert and Bogbert?

- Yeah, I guess.

- Well, do you know who
sent that photo in to us?

- Who?

- Your father.

- What?

Daddy's alive?
- Yes.

He's living in Miami.

- What do you mean by that?

I saw him got ate up.

I saw him got ate.

- What did it look like
when he got ate up?

- Omp!

- Was it a big metal bird that went "omp?"

- Yes.

Yes!

And then there was a woman
inside the metal mouth

and she said, "6F is a window seat,"

and she pointed down that way.
- Right.

- And then the monster...

(chomps)

- Augbert?
- Nope.

- Your father took a plane to Miami.

- Why don't you shut up?

- Augbert, I'm very sorry, but-

- Hush!

- No, it's all right,
hey, chin up, chin up.

We received a video
from your twin brother.

He sort of let us know about some of

your family history, sort of vlog style.

We can go ahead and take
a peek at that there.

- Hey guys, Katie checking in.
(generic vlogger music)

Um, no update today on the vlog,

but I wanted to sort of post an apology

for sort of sporadic updates recently.

It's always hard this time of year,

because this is the
anniversary of when my dad

flew to Miami without any explanation.

It's a hard time, and made all the harder

because my twin sister, Vic,

who you might know from
"Very Important People"

sort of hasn't reached
out in a long, long time.

It's just one of those sad days,

but you know, even when we're sad

we can still make content.

Because one of the ways that you can lose

your rankings in channels really quickly

is by having sporadic updates.

This relationship that you have to me,

it's not really a friend
relationship, is it?

You're sucking the life out of me slowly.

(somber music)

- I have a...

I have a twin- Actually,

my father was also eaten by a...

American Airlines 747.

And so that also sort of...

That happened to...

That was, and then she is
a lifestyle vlogger with...

Um...

She's got it easy.

I just do work and they
say that I sound crazy

when I'm talking about work.

They say it just sounds like I'm saying,

do this, and numbers!

And I sort of kick things and...

And then when I show
up I'm not really there

and I'm not listening to anybody

and it's sort of hard to have
a conversation with me, right?

And it's sort of killing our relation-

Killing our relationship.

- Yeah.

You're gonna wake up soon.

And when you do,

Augbert's gonna go away.

- No, wait... You can't.

- I can.

- No, but I need you here.

- And in a way, I'll be here,

as long as you remember.

- You were so crazy and I was so scared,

and I didn't understand what was happening

and you were handing me rocks
and at first it was scary

and then it was kind of nice,

and then I liked the weight of the rocks

and then the rocks being gone,
now I don't like so much.

And this set is a mess,

is it gonna be clean when I'm asleep?

Did I really fire all those people?

Do I have to hire them back?

Am I gonna have to apologize?

Is there gonna be an HR meeting involved?

Augbert, please don't go!

(sighing)

- This set is always gonna be this dirty.

Until somebody cleans it.

And I think you know,

that if you ask somebody who's
not real to do something,

even if they want to
do it, it can't happen

in the place that's real.

The chair got my beard on it.

Chips and spit and soup in my cup.

Salty, salty, soup.

- How is that related to me?

- April Fool's Day.

You and your twin switched
the salt and the sugar.

Play a big joke on daddy.

But then twin and daddy put the salt in-

- [Together] Your sippy cup.

- Big joke on you and
you're left out, all alone.

(reverberating) Just
like rocks on the ground.

Maybe Augbert and shadow
monster Dr. Gloria,

maybe it's all a story you tell so that

when you're asleep and no one's watching

you can feel as sad as you really are.

- I didn't think about it that way.

It makes me sad.

Almost as sad as...

Not having a bag of
Chompsky's potato chips.

(somber music fades to
pleasant corporate jingle)

When I have a mean hunger.

Chompsky's.

America's crispiest,
heartiest, and tastiest chip.

- That's a splash of dip for
every chip at the summer pool.

(somber music returns)

- Okay, so it feels kind of like,

maybe silly to ask you this.

Because nobody's gonna see this,

but I do ask people this often. Um...

What is the meaning of life?

(dramatic music)

(clattering rocks)

Do you want the rest?

- You put rocks in the bag.

You carry it as long as you can.

And then you find somewhere you love

and you put the rocks down.

(somber music)

- Are they metaphorical rocks?

- What?

- Like metaphorical rocks? Like the-

- Mother fucker! The rocks are important!

- But you keep saying things

and then you say these really
beautiful poetic things

and I'm like, do I need to like-

- I hate poems!

I freakin' hate 'em!

- I do hate poems.

- In this case, it's literal.

- Right.
- But we're in a dream right now.

So what does it mean to say
something literal in a dream?

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

- Metaphorical.

- You nailed it.
- Did I?

- Something literal in
a dream is a metaphor.

- Well it has to be,

because there's nothing
physical in a dream space.

It's the only place where
it's sort of liminal

and not really physical.

- Right, but when you're
living in a symbolic space,

you have to take the symbols literally

while you, yourself, are
a symbol of yourself.

- Right, but I'm wondering how,

should I be going to a landscaping store

and picking up rocks?

'Cause it is metaphorical-

- In your mind, yes!

- I understand it's in my mind,

but I'm saying, am I doing
the in real life also?

- This is a dog.

But it's a dog in a dream.

So what does that mean to you?

- That it's an alligator.

- What?

- Well, it's an alligator.

- I don't know that word.

- You don't know the word "alligator?"

- This dog is literal in a dream.

- But that looks like a dog to you?

- More or less.
- Okay.

- A long dog.

- All right.

- Now, if I saw a dog like this,

I'd say the dog is sick.

His back doesn't look right.

- Well, it's because it's a bowl, really.

- What?

(dog-alligator-bowl clanks on the floor)

- That was the scary part
to you, that it's a bowl?

- I hate bowls, no thank you.

- Okay, okay.

So, if you have things in a
dream, they're metaphorical.

And so we take the lessons from them

and we implicate those into our real life.

- But you can't know
that they're metaphors

while you're in them.

- So what do I do with this conversation?

- You're fucked.

- So it's nothing?

- Unless you make it something.

Better start putting rocks in the bag.

My fee is $20,000.

- Literally in a dream.

- We're gonna have a huge
problem if I don't get paid.

(crew laughing)

- I'm sure one of the...

One of the producers- Oh,

Sam Reich is here, actually.

Sam, um...

You can go grab that from him.

(Augbert grunts)

- If you don't give me my
fuckin' money, so help me God!

- [Director] Pan left.
So help me-

Why are they talking?

What are they saying to each other?

- It's nothing, it's a thing.

- [Augbert] What?

- The director talks to me sometimes

and tells me to do things
and then I do them.

- Do you smell the coffee on my beard?

- It's so strong.

- The smell I'm making
right now is fucking crazy.

- Okay, hold on.

So, you're tackling the CEO.

So you're saying I don't actually...

Let me, I'll get the metaphor-

- My agent needs a check for $20,000!

- Get what we deserve.

- I don't care how it
happens or who does it.

- Okay!

- But that is not a metaphor.

That's as fuckin' solid as concrete.

- Well, I think that's all
the time we have today.

I think I'm ready to wake up.

- I think you're ready to wake up, too.

(sighing)

- You're gonna do great.

- Okay.

- When you wake up, just remember.

You only have...

(belching)
Oh, fuck.

- Augbert?

Augbert.

Just-

Augbert?

(gasping)

- (shouting) What the fuck?
- No, don't you do this.

- I'm from the woods!

- No, stop!

Stop, Augbert, no. It's me, remember?

And we're the same.

And you're the dream man, right?

And I'm- And I'm here,
and then we're together-

(Augbert screeching)

Augbert!
(screeching)

Come on, stop, no. It's me! Augbert?

Augbert.

No, Augbert-

Augbert!

- Okay, now I'm king of the dreams here.

- [Vic] Augbert.

- Everybody welcome to show.

I'm Augbert!

Today, we are gonna talk to me

about how to escape from show.

Get back to woods.

- [Vic] Augbert.
- Get back to real toadstools.

- That's my chair, actually, so I'm gonna-

- Nope.
- I'm gonna take that.

(cameras clicking)

- Chompsky's potato chips.
America's crispiest, heartiest,

- [Vic] Tastiest chip.

Wake up!

- Or else you'll die.

- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

(alarm sounding)

- [Brennan] Good morning!

And welcome back, cool listeners.

It's K95 coming to you with
the sounds of the summer.

(synth pop fades in)
♪ I am ♪

♪ I am American number one superstar ♪

(main theme plays)

♪ Yum, yum, yum ♪

♪ I ate a bagel ♪

♪ A saucer of chips ♪

♪ Chompsky's chips ♪

♪ Chompsky's, America's chip ♪

♪ The crispiest,
heartiest, tastiest chip ♪

♪ Chompsky's ♪

♪ Chip ♪

♪ Potato chip ♪

♪ Chompsky's chip ♪

♪ Mm, I'm still hungry ♪

♪ Chompsky's chip ♪

(chimes shimmering)

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