Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Rashawn Nadine Scott.

On the call sheet it says my name is Apple.

I know that's a lie.

- Hi, I'm Ross Bryant.

If you could make me a super hunk, that would be cool.

- [Vic] Today we are giving these comedians

a total transformation.

- Oh, uh oh. - They have no idea who

or what they're about to become.

Once they see themselves in the mirror,

they'll have to make up a character on the spot

and then sit down with me for an improvised interview.

This is "Very Important People."

- Whoa! (Rashawn and Ross laugh)

Actually frightened. - Oh my gosh,

your ear. - Actually frightened.

Whoa. Hello. (laughs)

- (laughs) Ooh. - Oh, I'm just now

seeing the ears, okay.

The gauges are, they're a bit infected. Yes.

- Oh yeah Rashawn is gone.

- Rashawn, I can't tell you how I was like,

two life choices from being this for real.

(Rashawn laughs)

- Come on down to the Church bake sale.

We have our hell raiser hot sauce contest.

It's gonna be so, so fun.

Everyone bring out your vinegar and your pitchforks.

- But if this is some sort of gothic industrial band.

- The Holy Rollers.

A lot of people want to hear our old stuff,

but we're only interested in the New Testament.

Speak on it. Speak his name.

- We're dabbling with dark forces that should not be named

and yet we intone their unholy names,

draw upon their powers, make their sigils,

bring them forth in their legions.

- Okay. - This is a comedy show,

right? (group laughs)

(upbeat, funky music)

(upbeat music continues)

(cameras clicking)

- We all have a story

and sometimes those stories need to be shared

with the world.

Good evening, I'm Vic Michaelis, back with another edition

of "Very Important People."

Please introduce yourselves.

- Thank you for having me. I'm Martha Tops.

- Martha Tops.

- It is indeed a pleasure to be here.

My name is Lucian Azathoth.

(tense music)

- Martha, Lucian, thank you so much

for being here this afternoon.

I know you had quite a journey to get here,

but you two did it together,

as you do most things in this life.

- Oh yes. We work in tandem in the church together.

- We work in youth programming

and outreach for the ministry of the Church of the Dark One,

located in Libertyville, Illinois.

- I'm from just outside of St. Charles, Illinois,

so I know the area well.

Favorite restaurant?

Three, two, one.

- Shakey's. - Shakey's.

So we all said the same thing.

That's absolutely incredible.

Church of the Dark One.

What other name could people find that under?

- Colloquy of the Falling Star.

- I see. - The Ring of the Unholy

Anti Light. - Hmm.

- Church of the Big Scary Demon Guy.

- Absolutely fascinating- - Most sheep

walk in straight lines.

We are not the sheep, we are the goat.

- Okay. - And we go our own way.

(Martha mimics goat bleeting) - Our rectangular pupils

guiding us into a beautiful and dark future.

We worship the will within us, the chaotic spirit

that drives us forth

to claim the birthright that is rightfully ours.

- So let's get into that.

I heard that you two are very famous in the youth group

for singing hymns that you've written yourself.

Is that correct?

- Yes, indeed, it is. - Yes it is, isn't it?

- Is it too much to ask you to sing one?

- No, no, no, no. That's not at all.

Here we go. (clears throat)

♪ Hatred flows from your fingertips ♪ (ominous choir sings)

♪ Hatred flows from your fingertips ♪ (ominous choir sings)

♪ Hatred goes where the money dips ♪

♪ Hatred goes where the money dips ♪

- That was beautiful.

And so I was told that they were duos.

- It's a fire and ice duo.

You have one singer and one person with a drum machine

who just sort of bops.

- Well, you know what, maybe what's better,

because we're seated and you don't have your equipment.

We actually have one of your music videos.

- Oh gosh. - Oh, great!

- All right, let's go ahead and-

♪ Goats ♪ (upbeat electronic music)

♪ Darkness, energy, life ♪

♪ Bloody nails, everyone impaled ♪

♪ Sacrifice to the Dark Lord ♪

♪ Goats are demons ♪

♪ The French are demons ♪

♪ Life is demons ♪

♪ Sacrifice to the Dark Lord ♪

♪ Bloody nails, everyone impaled ♪

♪ Everyone impaled ♪

♪ Bloody, bloody nails ♪

♪ Sacrifice to the Dark Lord ♪

♪ Life is demons ♪

- Way too much drum machine in the monitor.

- No, no, no. - That was fantastic.

- Yes, and that video shoot got us banned

from ever returning to Sweden.

- Now I really wanted to get a little bit more info

about this youth pastoring work.

I attended youth group

as a kid. - Oh, dope, yeah.

- Different church, but I did attend youth group as a kid.

- I think you understand, we're saying the same thing.

- For example, we would start by playing games.

Do you play games with the kids?

- Of course. A lot of these things are the same.

You circle up. - Sure.

- You break the ice. - Oh yeah, we did that.

- And then once you're in the circle,

of course, you would draw a circle upon the floor,

a sort of warding emblem or sigil

to keep the dark forces out of your sacred colloquy.

Then when you enter inside

and intone their unholy names,

they cannot reach within you

and corrupt you, still commanding them to do your bidding.

The dark imps that dwell in the unholy fire

that casts no light there in the abyssal dark

at the center of existence.

We call upon them.

And then, you know, sometimes we play big booty

or Zip Zap Zop. - Oh, okay. We did that too.

- Maybe have some snacks, I'll set out a charcuterie board.

- Okay! Not so different after all.

Now a little birdie has told me

that you are running a fundraiser.

- Oh, the fundraiser has a wonderful name.

It's called Bound to Full Deception.

- Bountiful Deception? - Yes,

Bound to Full Deception.

It rolls off the tongue, so it's-

- [All] Bound to Full Deception.

- Our mission is to take the children as close

to the equator as we can possibly get

to replicate the fiery passions of the underworld.

- Incredible, so you're here to promo your yearly fundraiser

to get your youth group to the equator.

- Yes. - We're just here

to kick the truth to the youth.

- I love that.

I heard you two got a massive speaker to come

and talk to the kids.

Can we spoil it? - Sure.

Paula Deen will be there. - Paula Deen.

- Paula Deen will be speaking

to the children. - That devilish woman,

of course she'll be there.

- She's a bad guy.

- She has a butter cannon

and she kinda just shoots it across-

- At the kids? - I know you're thinking,

solid or liquid?

Molten. - Mm.

- We hold a fun run. We do a bake sale.

- I heard there's a little yo-yo number that you two do.

- That's right. - And so we did bring

the yo-yos. - Great.

- We brought the yo-yos and we were hoping you'd give us

a little taste of what we can expect

at this year's fundraiser.

- Ah, Hail Satan. Okay. - Sure. Absolutely.

(pleasant music)

- We find that every talent

that one possesses can be used in an allegorical way

to teach a message.

- Sure. - So I know a fella

who was so bad, so darn bad,

that he got kicked out of heaven,

went all the way down to hell.

But you know what?

He just comes right back to tempt to Adam and Eve

in the Garden of Eden.

You can't keep a good guy down.

He'll always, always come back.

- And even when you feel you don't have the fiery passions

of hell within you, you can shoot them out.

- Yes. - Easily.

- Wow. - Normally, you know,

we like to soak these in kerosene

and kind of get them aloft. - Get them on fire.

Now can I just say,

I have heard big things about the grand finale.

I heard it's the exact same every year.

I was wondering if we could see the

grand finale trick. - Yeah, it takes both.

This table is glass, yes? - Should I get out of the way?

That is glass and my head is bone, so I'm gonna step out.

- I'm gonna shoot towards your elbow.

- Right. I shoot towards you.

- Then our souls,

much like this friendship, will be intertwined.

- Ha!

(yo-yos clatter pathetically)

- Hail Satan. - Yes.

- [Vic] Wow.

- The soul is not yours alone.

- Absolu- - You may entwine it

with others as ye see fit.

- I gotta say, I don't know what I was expecting.

I've never seen a yo-yo show. That was incredible.

- Yes, thank you.

- I was hoping we could play a little game

'cause my producers are worried about ratings.

- Zip. - Oh. (laughs)

- Zap. - I kid.

- I zop. - All right.

(upbeat music)

Feel free to answer these questions at the same time

or individually, are you ready?

Never have I ever...

- Met a sandwich I didn't enjoy.

- Okay. - (laughs) Get it?

Any kind, cold cuts, hot cuts.

A sub, I'm a sandwich connoisseur.

I love it. - Sure.

- Never have I ever made a sous vide.

I wanna learn how to use

a sous vide bag. - You would be a great chef.

- What is your net worth?

- It's all tied up in the church.

Financial disclosures- - But a number, if we had

to put a number on it?

- 13 million.

- $13 million? - Yes.

And you're throwing a fundraiser to get kids

to the equator? - Well, I don't wanna use

my money to get them to the equator.

That would be unseemly.

- Okay.

Go-to hymn.

♪ Black nails upon the cross ♪

♪ Black nails upon the cross ♪

♪ Jesus is not my kind of guy ♪

- That was wonderful.

And I would imagine during that, you're-

(Lucian mimics electronic music)

I love how in a typical church, it's an organ,

but in the dark one's church, it is a...

- KORG Monotribe. - A KORG Monotribe.

- The line between people who are into the occult

and modular synthesis is very permeable.

- And that's why I do this job.

I learn something every day. - Mm.

- Last but not least, a question I ask each

and every one of my guests,

what is the meaning of life?

- Want to make connection with every soul

that I possibly can. - Oh.

- I am walking in my purpose every day

and I am so thankful

that I have this dark cloud cast upon me.

- Just because you-

Just because you hover over the abyss,

doesn't mean you can't have an attitude of gratitude.

- I love that. (pleasant music)

We had a couple of children that wrote in for questions

and I was hoping maybe you two could help me answer.

- Every question is a form of spell,

that it compels one to give an answer.

- Okay.

Here we go. Are you ready?

This is Sammy, age 13 years old from New York.

- Speak, I'm bound to hear.

- "Sometimes Mommy is sad.

Can I do anything to help?"

- Huh. - In all reality,

the child is probably the cause of the woman's frustration.

- Okay, well that is wonderful to know.

So Sammy, take notes.

Here we are. Next question.

This one is from Kayla, 12, New York City.

- Hi Kayla. - "I have a bully at school.

What should I say to them?"

- Dealing with a bully is simple.

One, you'll need a lock of the bully's hair.

- Yes. - Right.

- Take that hair, put it inside a ceramic bowl,

a feather of the most evil bird that you can find.

- Chicken. - Crush it all together.

Set it aflame. - [Vic] Right.

- Chant aloud, "Leave me be."

Two, three days, bully's gone like that.

- Can I ask, does this work for all bullies?

My stepdaughter is so mean.

- Mm. - She's so mean to me.

- If you somehow have access to the umbilical cord,

crush that, put that in some of her yogurt.

Make her eat that. Two, three days, she's gone.

- Well, she can't go.

My husband would be sad, but to be honest,

we're the same age and she's still a little mad.

- That's tough. - That is tough.

- It's not easy.

Renee, 12, New York.

A lot of tweens in New York have questions.

"How do I know the difference between right and wrong?"

- How indeed does one know the difference

between right and wrong?

Perhaps your morals

and all of your ethical faculties have just been put

into you by your society

and your culture, your parents, your schools,

your authority figures.

Perhaps the only true test is the conscience

within yourself.

If you fan that ember so that it becomes a roaring bonfire,

then you shall know what is good and evil to you,

and ultimately, you are your final master.

- Ditto.

- We're gonna move on to the next question.

Mariska Hargitay, age 12. New York City.

- Huh. - "What is the best thing

to be when I grow up?"

- What do you wish to be when you grow up?

I ask you, Mariska Hargitay,

what does Mariska Hargitay wish to be right now?

- First thought, best thought is what I say.

- Yes. - Now you two are

teachers at the school connected to your church,

is that correct? - Yes.

- Yes. - On top of being

youth leaders. - It takes a lot,

but we're committed to community building.

- Well, that is incredible.

The administrator from your school actually sent over

a video that you made for the pep rally.

- Oh gosh.

- Mr. Lackamore did that?

- I have to say, I was surprised it was called a pep rally.

I don't know what I was expecting.

A scary rally. An evil rally.

- Yeah, look, it doesn't have to be evil,

gloom, doom, and darkness all the time.

You can have a little bit of pep every now and then.

Will there be a sacrifice?

Maybe. - Will there?

Okay.

- What's up Medusa Middle School? Where you at?

- This is great, the pyrotechnics.

(explosions booming) (kids cheering)

- Louder.

Now, everybody, scream! - Whoa!

(Martha screaming)

- That was incredible. - Stop.

- No, you could've done anything,

- But we chose to do that. - To do this.

- We do our best to build a community

and free young minds

and make them ready for the battle of Armageddon,

which shall come sooner than you think.

- What might happen?

What could fall from the ceiling?

What could crawl up from the earth? We don't know.

- Yes. Who's gonna be possessed next?

- Oh, not me. (laughs)

- You never know. - Ah!

- Good things are going to happen for you, I know.

- Do you mean- - Good things can happen to you

for a price.

- Is this for a spell?

- How much is your soul worth?

- How about my stepdaughter, Bianca?

- Are you serious?

- Well, how serious are we talking?

Where are you gonna send her?

(ominous music fades in)

- She may be sent very far away from here

into planes that the mind cannot comfortably conceive,

where up, down, left, right, black, white have no meaning.

- Well, we'll keep her for now.

Remember I said that. Tell your dad I said that.

We're gonna keep you for now.

Now both of you, Martha, Lucian, thank you so much

for coming this afternoon.

I wanna give you the floor for a moment.

Is there anything that you would like

to tell the youth of America?

Oh, which, is it this one? - Youth of America.

Yeah, go ahead. Right down the barrel.

- Hey champ.

Hey there, sport.

Hey, kiddo.

Life got you down?

I understand sometimes it feels like nobody understands.

- No one. - But if you can cultivate

the light and the darkness within you,

then you can become yourself,

the greatest project that you could ever hope to undertake.

The time is short.

Soon the dark one shall rise from his ageless slumber,

take on corporeal form,

and then, along with all the legions

that have dwelt in darkness

for endless years without slumbering,

shall rise up and seek to take their place once again

in the bright imperium.

Will you join us? I ask you this.

(ominous music)

- Also, if I could- Right over here.

In the time before the dark one arrives, generally,

all of you wear deodorant.

You're at such an impressionable age,

you have an ungodly funk about you.

- Yeah, so in brief. - Yes.

- Make ready your souls

for the ultimate battle of Armageddon.

- Exactly. Yes, yes, yes. - And try to use deodorant

every day. - Use it!

Cover the stench of your body.

- Well, what excellent advice.

Quick question, did you two put a curse on me?

I got a wing growing out of my back.

I can feel it, it's poking through.

Did you two put a curse on me? (Martha cackles)

- Until you mend the bond with your stepdaughter,

your life will crumble.

(Martha and Lucian laugh)

- This feels like a wonderful place to end the show today.

I wanna thank you so much both for coming

and on that note, I would like to say I'm Vic Michaelis.

Be true to yourself, unless you'd rather be somebody else.

Goodnight.

(ominous music)

Are you feeling okay?

His ears are, um, turning blue.

(ominous music)

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