Original subtitles

[sniffs]

[inhales deeply] Hmm.

[breathing heavily]

[smacks lips] That's the one.

I have just found the perfect place to be murdered.

Oh, are you still planning on playing that stupid game?

Absolutely.

I see my birthday as the perfect chance for everyone to just come together

and have lots of fun within the terms of the rental agreement.

So you're feeling better about turning 50?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm feeling very positive.

Very positive indeed, actually.

- Aw, well, good. - Hmm.

Goodness me. Look at this.

Oh, wow!

Why do you always drive?

Well, your dad's developed terrible road rage since becoming a taxi driver.

It's embarrassing, Jase, just gesticulating to everyone.

Well, you know what? Maybe if you gesticulated at a few more people,

I wouldn't have to. How about that, hey?

Oh, my Go... Honestly, that gets me every time.

[car horn honks]

- Oy, oy. Here they are. - Yay! [chuckles]

You made it then? You all right?

Sorry we're late by my standards.

[Princess] Still getting used to my new car.

[Jason] How was she to drive?

Yeah. She's a good little runner.

I'm gonna take the engine apart when we get home.

- Why? What's wrong with it? - Nothing.

Please tell me you strip your engine down for monthly checks.

Oh, yeah. Definitely.

I mean, it's slipped a bit recently possibly, but...

Here.

- Princess was taking notes. - Oh, yeah? [laughs]

- Head notes. - [Jason] Head notes.

- Hello! - This is nice.

- You all right? Yeah? - Yeah.

[Jason] Oh, yeah. There they are.

I'll tell you what, the drive's long enough.

- [Nikki chuckles] - How rich are you?

Oh, no. No. No, listen... [stammers] ...it's just ours for the weekend.

Billiard room's actually quite cramped. And the peacock pictured online,

- he's rather conspicuous by his absence. - Okay.

- Happy birthday! [chuckles] - Oh... [chuckles]

- [Jason] Happy birthday to you. - [car horn honks]

Oh, my. Why the hell have they brought that thing?

- Are there not enough rooms for everyone? - No, there's plenty of rooms.

They just prefer the caravan.

Hello!

Do you know they've got everything in that thing?

- Right. - No, no, I m...

Oh, no, I mean literally everything.

You can test it.

- Aw. Here she is. Hello. - Hello. [chuckles]

Wow.

Yeah, so just wondering how the speech is coming along. For after dinner?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, it's all good. All good. [stammers] That's all...

- That's all in hand. - Wonderful. And I... [stammers]

- If it doesn't hem you in... - Hmm.

...I do wonder if you might cap it at half an hour.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, definitely. I mean... [stammers]

- Currently a squeak under that, but... - Right.

- So that's... - Yep, great. It's just...

I only have three hours for the parlor games.

- Ah. - I mean,

there's barely enough time for one round of The Minister's Cat.

- Sure. - Let alone, uh, Are you there, Moriarty?,

Parson's Biscuits, or indeed, Call me Seamus.

And don't worry. Yes, we will be ending on a round of Pass the Slipper.

- Don't want a riot on our hands. - [both chuckle]

- I know a good game. - Oh?

- It's called Does It Float? - Yeah?

You get a bowl of water and see what things float.

- Right. - Hmm.

Shall I repeat the rules again?

No. No, but let's do keep the dialogue open on that.

- Okay. Will do. - Here, mate. Here you go.

Dad, watch this.

Uh, hi. Uh, sorry, I just wonder, do you have a hole punch in your caravan?

A3 or A4?

[stammers] A4.

- [knocking] - Unpacking then?

You missing your granny?

It's hard, innit?

When people were around and then they're not. [sighs]

Some people you carry with ya.

I know, but they're heavy.

Yeah, they are.

'Cause the card is quality.

Then one day, they seem lighter,

and you realize you're not carrying them anymore.

How do you know when it's time to stop carrying them?

I honestly don't know.

[Scott] It's time!

[crashing]

It's time!

It's time! [chuckles]

God, Scott.

Oh, no, no, no. [stammers] It's the Lord of Slaughterbridge Manor.

Welcome! Welcome, everyone. Do come in, come in, come in. Come in guys.

- [stammers, chuckles] - [chuckles]

- The gong woke me up. [chuckles] - Well, yes.

I had a tiny driving sherry on the trip down.

Right. When this is all over, I think... I think we should have a little chat.

Oh, yeah, okay. That'd be nice.

- [Karen] Scott. - Uh, who's Scott?

Well, I will tell you who Scott is.

He's a man who won't listen to my advice when I tell him

- that nobody wants to play... - Hello!

And welcome to Slaughterbridge Manor.

Shortly, your host, Lord Slaughterbr... That's me. I'm Lord Slaughterbridge.

Sorry, I have to... [stammers, smacks lips]

Did ask Karen to, uh, read this bit, but she was... [stammers] ...not keen.

- [chuckles] - [Scott] Um, okay.

So I am Lord Slaughterbridge, and I am inviting you all here to solve a murder.

- [gasps] - Ooh.

Yes, that's right. I am soon to be murdered by someone in this room.

- Yeah. I can see that for you. - [exhales sharply]

- [Jilly chuckles] - [Nikki] Princess.

But who are the suspects? Hmm.

- Take a prop. - Oh.

Ah, Slenderwell, the venerable vicar.

- [Nikki] Ooh. - [Scott] Hmm.

Madame Rashevsky,

- the eccentric spiritualist... - Hmm.

...who can commune with the dead.

[gasps] I've always felt a connection with the other side.

- [chuckles] - Jason is...

- [groans] Come on. - ...Dick Malone, the hard-boiled PI.

He can distill a man to his soul with a look.

[Princess] Mmm.

Adept to using liquor to loosen tongues.

- M-Maybe we could pair up. - All right, Jill, love, yeah.

- [Nikki] Bloody hell. - [Scott] Ah, the doctor.

Always trustworthy. Apart from the ones on the news.

Oh, okay. So the men are the detectives and the doctors.

Oh, my God. Can't we have an afternoon off?

Well...

[Scott] Oh, Delilah Deville.

Hot lips! The young, cunning femme fatale, corrupting any man she...

Right. Okay, all right. I think we got it.

Um... [smacks lips] ...works with, uh, respectfully, whilst earning equal pay.

Better.

Langley Truman, ace newshound.

[Nikki, Karen chuckle]

- Isabella and Isadora Slaughterbridge... - [Nikki] Mmm.

...granddaughters and heirs to the Slaughterbridge fortune.

- [Nikki] Ooh. [chuckles] - Interesting.

Karen.

- And last but not least, Carla Santiago... - [Nikki] Aw. [chuckles]

- ...assistant to the Spanish ambassador. - [Nikki, Princess chuckle]

[Scott] How about that? They didn't have, uh, children's options.

But, um, don't worry, it's a largely ceremonial role.

Now, once you have discovered my body somewhere in the house,

you will follow the clues that will lead you to the murderer among us.

And you may start your search in one minute.

Actually, make it two, 'cause it's all the way down the corridor...

[smacks lips] ...or is it?

Look, we don't have to play this if you don't want to.

I mean, we can just go and have a drink on the...

All right. Well, he's gone already, so... [stammers]

- [Jason] Nik, Nik, Nik. - [Nikki] Yes?

Listen, we need to talk about Scott.

- What, like an intervention? [chuckles] - No,

I mean this speech that he wants me to give after dinner.

- I haven't written it. What do I say? - I don't know.

- Just stuff you know about him. - I don't know anything about him.

Jase, you've known him for years. You were best man at his wedding.

Just... I don't know, just draw on your shared memories.

- Dad. - Nikki.

Oh, yes?

Do you just wanna sack this off and go and eat all the canapés?

Yeah.

Dad. Have you got any, um, observations about Scott,

like memories, funny stories, anything for this bloody speech?

I try to block him out for the most part.

He's tall. I've noticed that.

Thanks very much. Yeah, that's... that's very helpful.

[sighs]

Okay. Well, he's not in there, so I'm sort of done, really.

I think I need to move on.

Well, we can try the drawing room, but I really CBA, TBH.

No, not like that.

I, um... [sighs] I downloaded this dating app.

Oh.

But I don't know what to do. I mean, it's a different world now.

Well, it's not changed that much. I mean, how did you get together with grandma?

We went for gimlets on Friday, and I wrote to her father on the Monday.

Okay. [stammers] Well, yeah, it's changed a bit.

Right. We need a description of yourself for your bio.

- Here. What about this? - [sighs]

This is an alphabetized list of your medical issues.

You think it should go serious to mild?

I'll put "health-conscious."

Okay. What about a profile photo?

Hmm. Oh, here.

- Yeah. - [Princess sighs]

[groans, chuckles]

Aw, Granddad. [chuckles]

I think we may need some new ones.

- Shouldn't we be looking for Uncle Scott? - Well, we are, mate, in a way.

Look, if I don't find something to put in this speech,

then he's not going to be the only one dying. Trust me.

And anyway, there's loads of people looking.

Someone else will find him.

I mean, the man's invisible.

I put in "Scott Filbert" and it said, "Did you mean 'soft filters?'"

Then it takes me through to this cameras accessory website.

How're you getting on? You found anything? Let's have a look he...

Yeah, I don't know if I can weave 30 minutes of material

out of an air fryer review and an out-of-date listing on Companies House.

It may be time for some old-fashioned detective work, my friend.

Follow me.

Shouldn't we be looking for Scott?

It's fine. There's loads of them. Someone else will find him.

Okay. Push your lips forward like you're gonna give someone a kiss.

Slims the face. Now stand at a slight angle.

Okay, and lift your arms away from your body to create a gap.

It makes you look thinner.

Okay, forget that one. Just smile.

Think of something that makes you happy?

Right. Remember before we left,

when we proved that mechanic wrong by replacing the distributor cap ourselves

by first locating the cap, removing it from its housing,

being mindful of the spark plug wires

and then carefully attaching the spark plug itself to the new cap?

Head notes.

There he is.

Okay. Good, but we're gonna need some more.

All right, Princess?

Hello. I just wondered, have you got champagne flutes,

a straw hat and some reading glasses?

Ooh, and some golf clubs.

Righto.

Should we be going through his stuff?

Look, if you wanna know a man, then check his pockets.

- Come on, Scott. Give me something. - Library card.

Uh, when does it expire? [sighs]

[sighs] Quite soon.

Is that good speech material? Lost my bearings.

Yeah. I'll get a couple of minutes out of that.

All right. Good. Good. Keep looking.

Sip from the glass.

Uh, maybe I'm too past it for this.

You look great, but there are things we can do to make you look younger.

[groans, sighs]

We're down to mid-sixties already. Do up the top button of your shirt.

Hey, don't make me look too young. I don't want to attract younger women.

I can't deal with that in-your-face,

quick-talking sass of woman in their early sixties.

Got it.

I found someone, and I swiped right.

You're supposed to swipe on lots of people.

That's disgusting.

- [Jilly] Nikki. - Yeah?

- I'm worried. - Oh?

Ever since I put this hat on, I feel that I've awakened something within me.

I-I think I saw a figure in the window upstairs.

Something not of this world.

Right. We're definitely gonna have that chat.

- Here you go. - Uh...

- Spirit level? - Yes.

- Glue stick? - [chuckles] Yes.

Some chalk for a pool cue?

Be no point in bringing the pool cues without it.

[sighs]

Junior badminton set?

Y... Um, no. I don't think we do.

- Get in! [chuckles] - [chuckles]

Hang on. Ho... Hold on. Where's Scott?

Have you been...

there the whole day?

Well, we couldn't find you anywhere, could we?

- [guests clamoring] - I mean, we've been...

- we've been worried sick. - [Jason] We were.

- [groans] - [Jason] Yeah.

- Jason. - Hmm?

Will you do your speech now?

'Cause he said after pudding.

[clinking]

- [guests murmuring] - Hello, everyone.

Yeah. Thank you. Speech time...

Right. So, we are gathered here today

to celebrate 50 great years of Scott Filbert.

[guests cheering, chuckling]

I mean, what can you say about Scott Filbert?

He's a man.

A tall man.

A married man.

A tall, employed, married man

with a house and a wife and a daughter.

Jase?

He's a library member.

But not for long. [laughs]

- [Jason sighs] - I'm really sorry.

He is a man with very high standards.

Not for him,

an air fryer with long frying times

as opposed to the more conventional, uh, deep fat... deep fat ones.

Oh, Stevie's here, ladies and gentlemen.

- [guests applauding, chuckling] - [Jason] Give it up for Stevie. Yep.

Hello.

- [Jason] Um, big wallet fan. - [mouthing] You okay?

[Jason] Loves his wallets.

Other famous Scotts include...

Uh, yeah. [stammers] I think the reason he's, uh, struggling

to say anything meaningful is, um...

[inhales deeply, stammers] ...there's really nothing meaningful to say.

- No. - [Scott] No, no, no... Well, I mean,

I was... I was, uh, dead for three hours. Nobody noticed.

Well, I think I died as I lived: Unnoticed.

A man of no consequence, admired only for his looks.

But I've been given a second chance at life today,

a second chance to lead a life worthy of being missed.

And the man I am today need not be the man I am tomorrow, after all.

So I've made a decision.

And to raise awareness of rising sea levels...

something that's been on Stevie's mind...

I have decided to single-handedly row the Atlantic Ocean.

[smacks lips] Okay.

Yeah, I'm just gonna...

[chuckles]

Um, is everything okay?

- Very much so, yes. - Well, I only ask

'cause you've just announced you're gonna row across an ocean.

That's right. I am.

[laughs] Okay, okay. Well, what's brought this on?

I've done very little with the time I've been given, Karen.

And it turns out, the little I have done has been, um... [smacks lips] ...evil.

[chuckles] What?

Two years ago, I wrote a report

advocating the expansion of drilling rights in the Arctic.

And now they drill for shale gas in East Greenland,

which just happens to be the main breeding ground

of the Weddell seal.

There he is.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a seal with an annoying face. So what?

Well, since drilling began, the population has decreased by 40%.

I have all but killed off the Weddell seal,

- one of the main sorts of seal. - Oh.

I didn't even know there were different sorts of seals.

I just thought there was one. Seal.

Well, there probably is now, thanks to me.

Do you know what, Scott?

Maybe they need to be less fussy about where they have sex.

I mean, I've seen seals. They're lucky they're getting laid at all.

You know I've pretty much failed at everything I've done in life.

Except Stevie.

I am not gonna fail her.

I am not gonna actively destroy her future.

Oh, come on, Scott, you're 50 years old.

I mean, you don't even go to the gym.

Stevie loves you the way you are.

Listen, my dad died when he was 51 years old.

That makes you think, doesn't it?

I mean, how much more time do I have?

Well, he fell off the roof trying to fix a TV aerial.

- I mean, that's hardly hereditary, Scott. - It makes you think.

It's time for me to make my mark.

Come on.

That's why I was asking you about stories for it. [shushes]

- Oh, shall I ca... No? - No, not now.

Okay. Well, if we're gonna play Parson's Biscuits,

we best get started or we'll be here till midnight.

So, everyone take off their left shoe,

think of their favorite foreign secretary and don't tell anyone.

- No, we don't wanna do that, Scott. - All righty then.

- I know a game. - Oh, no. Not now, love.

It is fun.

Oh, okay. What's it called?

It's called...

[all chanting] Does it float? Does it float?

Does it float? Does it float?

[guests clamoring]

- Sink. Sink. Sink. - Float. Float, Float.

[Jason] Sink. Sink, sink, sink.

- [all cheering] - He said float, yeah.

[all chanting] Does it float? Does it float?

Does it float? Does it float? Whoo!

[all] Sink, sink, sink, sink!

Sink, sink, sink, sink, sink!

- Oh, you're all wrong. You're all wrong. - [all chuckling, clamoring]

[all chanting] Does it float? Whoo! Does it float?

Does it float? Does it float?

[all cheering]

Okay.

Um, listen, sorry again about the speech.

When a man wants a window, a friend offers him a mirror.

Well, yeah. I mean, that's... that's what... that's what I thought.

- [stammers] Yeah. - Come here.

Hey. Okay.

[straining] Here we go.

- Okay. In you get. - [Jilly] Oh!

All right, Mum? Seen a ghost in the window?

I'm so embarrassed.

It's been a real wake-up call for me.

I won't be drinking again until we get home. [sighs]

- [Nikki] Love you. - You too. Bye.

- See ya, Jill, love. Hang on. One more. - [Jilly] Bye-bye.

- There you go. - Okay. Okey dokey.

Please can I drive? Please.

Please?

Fine.

All right, but Jase, one hint of road rage,

- and we swap back. Really? Yeah? - Not gonna be. Yeah.

- All right. You got everything? - Yeah.

I've got everything I need. [chuckles]

[Nikki] Come on.

- Bye! - Bye!

[car horn honking]

[smacks lips]

Okay.

[Vic] All right.

Let's get out of here.