Original subtitles

Everybody up and feet on the floor.

This is a shakedown.

What the fuck?

Let's go.

Oh no.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Take this bugger, Craig.

Shut the fuck up and spread them.

Come on, Donnie.

This is fucking bullshit and you know it's fucking.

Fuck off.

What are you doing?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Why don't you ask your good buddy Julian?

This is his fault.

What?

He's the one who said all you guys were holding.

Isn't that right,

Julian? Don't be pitting this shit on me, man.

Fucking red, Julian.

Just fucking lie, man.

I never stitched a day in my fucking life.

Is that right?

You guys put your fucking hands on the wall.

You're lucky I don't finger blast every last one of you.

Fucking do it! Please, not my fucking skin makes all I have.

Wow.

Into a hairy bush,

I see.

That's old school.

Think I'll keep these.

Fuck off.

I'm gonna fuck you up, Julian.

Fuck! Donnie, man.

You're gonna get me fucking killed.

Do you know what I have?

I had to watch the World Figure Skating Championships on last night.

A low resolution, 23 inch piece of shit.

I couldn't see any detail whatsoever.

I couldn't see any nipple.

I couldn't see any camel toe.

I couldn't even see how muscular the guy's asses were.

Bench, that's not like I'm not fucking trying here, man.

Well, listen.

I've been more than fucking patient.

Okay.

Tonight,

we're getting together to watch the MMA fights down in the office.

Why couldn't we be watching it on a 65 inch,

high resolution, 8K piece of technological

wonder?

You will.

Just give me the afternoon with no guard interruptions.

I'll come up with the rest of the fucking money for that TV.

Okay, big boy.

You know what you are?

A bunch of fucking empty promises.

Are you gonna give me the afternoon or not?

Do you want the fucking TV?

I'll give you the afternoon,

but I'm gonna tell you one thing.

You better come through or these shakedowns are gonna happen again and again and again.

You feel me?

I feel you.

Just call this off.

Okay.

Shakedown's over, everyone.

Shakedown's over.

Fuck you, Julian!

Look, Randy, things are gonna get better,

okay?

I know they are.

You just hang in there, bud.

I hope they get better.

I'm really, really broke,

Bubbles.

I think I might have to go back to the streets part time,

hooking.

What?

Randy,

you're not gonna dig out the old smoky costume, are you?

That's really the only thing I'm good at, Bubbles.

No, it's not.

What are you talking about,

Randy?

You're good at all kinds of things other than being a greasy male prostitute.

Really?

What else am I good at?

Oh?

Look, let's just, you gotta get your mind off things, you're right,

okay?

So you know what we should do,

let's have a sleepover.

Let's get our jammies on,

watch a movie like we used to do back in the day.

I could use a nice relaxing night with no stress.

That sounds freakin' awesome.

We could watch a River Runs Through It.

Okay.

Not my first pick,

but you know what?

That would be great.

A River Runs Through It.

Alright.

Stress-free night, Randy.

Oh, I think it's a solid plan,

like we- You know what?

It's gonna totally work.

We're gonna make a fuckin' ton of money,

man. That's a fact.

Yeah!

Woo!

Sweet.

Woo!

We don't have to fuckin' call Charlene,

though, until I won't be able to see her

days.

We're gonna be too fuckin' busy,

Terry. That's for sure.

And, well, plus it might give your nods a little time to heal there.

We'll give the old cockeroni a little longer to heal.

Good call.

Hey, what's up, man?

Oh, hey, Julie.

Can I talk to my friend for a second,

please?

Oh, sure, go ahead.

Look,

man, I've figured out a good way to fuckin' make some money,

like real quick.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

We're gonna set up an MMA fuckin' pay-per-view.

You can stream it right here.

Sell it 25 bucks a head.

We'll make a fuckin' killin'.

Just gotta get you guys to start sellin' tickets.

Alright, man.

That sounds kinda fuckin' mean.

Terry figured out a way easier way to make money.

Yeah?

What's that?

Hash.

Ever since I made that hash for Pitbull,

man, it's all anyone's talking about.

It's a huge demand.

It'd be a fuckin' huge payday,

bud.

What the fuckin' will he eat in here?

I figured out a tune.

He's gonna call Bubbles.

Remember that little mini helicopter thing he has?

Give him a flight over the fence this afternoon,

man. Get the hash.

I need you to set up the pay-per-view, man.

Oh, is that right?

I got it all fuckin' planned out.

Well, he's my friend too,

their tit-lips.

He'll fuckin' own him.

I know he is.

It's not about fuckin' friends here,

Ricky. It sounds like whoever calls him first is gonna get it, you know?

Give me the phone!

Give me that fuckin' phone!

Ricky, just a second! Let me use the phone!

Hello?

Hey, buddy, how's it going, man?

Stop being a bully and let me talk to him for a second.

Shut the fuck up!

You can talk to him in a minute!

I need a huge favour, man.

Oh, yeah.

Here we go.

Is it possible to get a signal for the fights in here tonight?

Will you forget about that bullshit just let me talk to him?

Mine and Terry's idea is way fuckin' better.

Is it possible?

Fuckin' fights!

I guess it's

possible, technically.

I mean, you'd have to log on to a host server,

but I'd have to set that up out here.

I mean,

it's possible if you have a Wi-Fi stick.

Do you even have a Wi-Fi stick?

Where am I gonna get a fuckin' Wi-Fi stick,

man?

No, you gotta fly one in for me, man.

Julian, Jesus Christ! I don't have time!

This is a serious fuckin' situation, okay?

You need to do this for me.

I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen.

Fucking dumb!

I'm not at your fuckin' bec-

Bubs, listen to me.

I'm in a bad situation here.

I'm in trouble.

You're a big time bud.

If you don't do this,

I'm gonna be fucked!

What does that mean,

you're gonna be fucked?

Look, man,

this is fuckin' bad,

Bubs.

This is 911 shit,

man.

I need your fuckin' help, buddy, please.

Julian, all right.

For fuck's sake, I'll make it happen.

All right, thank you.

Thank fuck.

And also, you can get me a couple bottles

of that Aqua Velvet shit, the blue stuff.

Aqua Velvet?

I need a couple bays of weed,

man.

Like an ounce or two.

Just a little bit of weed.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't worry about the fuckin' weed.

Listen,

just give me the Wi-Fi stick

and the booze, please.

That's all we need.

Just booze?

What the fuck are you talkin' about,

booze?

You said Julian.

Tell me you're not fuckin' drinkin' Aqua Velvet

like an old fuckin' train haul bottle.

Julian!

Bubs, it's been really hard this time,

man, in here.

I don't...

Okay, you listen to me

and you listen good right now, bud.

It is official.

You have a fuckin' problem.

Oh, my God.

Okay, you listen to me.

I am going to fuckin' fly said items into you,

but you're gonna fuckin' do somethin' for me.

You fuckin' admit to me right now.

You're an addict.

Bubs, I'm not a fuckin'...

What are you talkin' about,

man?

If you want me to fly,

then you admit it right now.

You say I am a fuckin'

alcoholic.

All right, I

guess I'm an alcoholic,

okay?

You guess you are or you are?

I am an alcoholic,

okay?

Is that good?

Is that what you wanna hear?

Okay, well, that's...

I've never heard you say that before,

so I'm very proud of you.

That's a good first step.

Now, put that other ass clown on the phone right now.

All right, just a sec.

He wants to talk to you now.

I bet he does.

Fuck off.

Hey, man, did you hear what I said

about bringing the weed in for me?

I heard what you said about weed, Ricky,

but you listen to fuckin' me right now.

I am only doing this for you guys

if you admit that you're an addict

and you promise me you're gonna get help.

An addict?

Are you fuckin' joking?

I'm not a fuckin' addict.

I'm not like Julie in the fuckin' alcoholic.

No, for me, it's just if I can't get high every day,

then it's just hard for me to function.

I don't like it.

Ricky?

Yeah?

Listen to what you're saying.

That is the definition of an addict.

That's what you just said.

It is?

Yes, that's what an addict is.

They can't function without it.

Maybe I am an addict.

I didn't fuckin' know.

Cool, man.

Thanks for lettin' me know.

Um,

but I mean, if I'm an addict,

then that makes it worse,

right?

Like, you gotta help me out.

Oh, that's fuckin' great logic

to use on a fella,

Ricky. Oh, my God.

I can't believe I'm gonna fuckin' do this for you guys.

You better love me.

Bubs, I love you more than I'll ever know,

man. And just make sure the fuckin' coast is clear

when the pigeon comes to roost.

What pigeon?

Who would know you own a fuckin' pigeon?

I'm talkin' in cold,

Ricky, when the fuckin' droney wony flies in.

Okay, buddy.

Oh, shit.

No, no, no.

I almost forgot.

I need you to harvest my fuckin' weed plants.

If you don't, you're gonna go to seed

and there'll be fuckin' root.

Ricky?

Harvest your...

You can't just tack that onto the end

of a fuckin' conversation.

That's a whole ordeal on its own.

Bubs, it's only a few plants,

man.

It'll be easy.

Look, I really, really appreciate it, and I need you here on this one,

man. There's a map that's about to burn my car.

Thanks, buddy.

Oh, yeah.

Gotta go.

We gotta...

We gotta...

He hung up on me.

Whew.

You're fucked.

Harvest your plants, too.

At least I'm not a fuckin' alcoholic.

Oh, fuck you.

Jesus Christ.

What in the fuck?

This map doesn't make any fuckin' sense.

This is a map Ricky gave me.

I mean, it's kinda fucked.

I'm supposed to just

follow this brook past this

and it looks like some kind of an enchanted forest

down to the X, and then

look for a beer can in the tree,

and then there should be a few little plants right there.

What's the fuckin' brook?

Look for the beer can in the fuckin' tree.

Who the fuck uses a beer can

to mark a goddamn trail?

Is that a beer...?

It's a beer can.

It's lookin' right here.

Holy fuck!

Oh, my sweet fuck!

What in a flyin' nun's tit fuck are these?

That's a fuckin' nine-footer.

That's a ten-footer.

My god.

This is unbelievable.

Oh, my fuck, I brought scissors.

I can't fit all these in a little grocery bag.

Next.

What about this?

What the fuck is that,

Larry?

Are you kiddin' me?

It's an antique,

man. Highly collectible.

No, it's a dinky, okay?

I'm not a flea marketer,

right?

Phone fuckin' credits or cash?

I'll take a ticket in 50 minutes,

phone credits.

All right, that's $45.

And don't tell me you don't got it,

man.

How many women you got on the go now?

Three, four?

Six.

Greasy motherfucker.

Give me your cash.

Next.

I'll take one.

$25.

Yo, that shakedown was fucked,

man.

If that shit happens again,

you better watch your ass.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Go fuck yourself, Freddy.

I know for real,

Doug.

Fuckin' ass bully.

That's what I'm hearin',

too, man.

It's all right.

It's all right.

Next.

Goddamn fuckin' bullshit.

All the fuckin' way over the goddamn fuckin' chainsaw.

This fuckin' horse shit.

I feel like I'm fuckin' jackin' the beancock sucker now.

Get over here, you cock sucker.

Couple little plants, he says.

Couple little fuckin' plants.

Get up here, you sticky little son of a whore.

I'm gettin' fuckin' jukes all over my good gloves.

Fuckin' bullshit.

Chill, boys.

It's for me.

It's me, Rick.

Rick, Rick.

Hello?

Julian,

the fuckin' pigeon's comin' in T-minus six minutes.

Make sure the pigeon nest is clear when it does.

Right on, buddy.

I guess the pigeon nest will be totally fuckin' clear.

I promise,

man. I'm so fuckin' pissed off at you guys right now.

Put the Jurassic Gardener on the phone.

All right, just a sec.

Just a sec.

All right, I'm fucked up.

Hey, man, what's up?

Just a couple plants, eh, Ricky?

The fuckin' way you harvested?

Yes, I fuckin' harvested, but I showed up

with a little pair of scissors.

I had to go all the way back in my shed

and get my fuckin' chainsaw.

And was it really that much of a big deal?

Yes.

Just watch for the pigeon.

He's comin' in hot.

Okay, buddy, we'll be ready.

Thanks, Bubbles.

Love you, man.

Love you, Bubs.

Love you, Bubs.

Love you, too.

Fuckin' assholes.

Yes!

Fuckin' awesome, man.

Yeah!

Fuck!

Thank fuck.

Okay, guys, we'll take pre-orders for Hash.

30 bucks a G.

Who's in?

Hash?

Fuck, I didn't own this fuckin' Hash.

Spent all my money on the fuckin' fight.

Can you front?

Front?

Well, maybe your mom could,

like, front like, uh, Titty Fock.

Fuck yourself,

Titty Fock.

But what I wanna know is,

like, why the fuck would you spend your money on pay-per-view fighting

when you could have pay-per-view fucking?

Like, I don't get it.

That's a good fuckin' point there.

Yeah.

That's a really good fuckin' point.

I don't know.

The fuckin' IP address keeps changin'.

I understand that, sir, but what I'm saying is you gotta change it

from a dynamic IP to a static IP.

Just hang on, hang on.

Fuckin' killin' me here,

Larry.

You fuckin' suck, Larry.

Hey, come on.

Are you on the right fuckin' server,

man?

Yeah, I'm on the right fuckin' server,

and all those connections look good,

too. I don't know, like, what the fuck?

Fuck, this hash is nice,

man.

I hope there's more.

Just make sure you don't smoke in front of the fuckin' cameras,

Darren. Stop bo-guardin' the fuckin' joint, Darren.

Fuck, sorry, man.

Welcome to the fuckin' fight night here on...

Yeah!

Fuckin' man!

Yeah!

What a fuckin' first fight we have for you here.

Fuckin' rights, man.

These two motherfuckin' cogsuckers

can't fuckin' stand each other, bitch.

Absolutely, Bobby.

This is going to be abso-fuckin'-ludely in fucking city.

Man, this is fuckin' bullshit.

Fuckin' bullshit.

It's lame.

Put on some fuckin' porn.

Everybody told me porn was a fuckin' option.

It's not a fuckin' option, Murray.

Come on, man.

See some tits, some ass.

Fuckin' relax.

How about some Bridget Dominguez?

Yeah!

Put on HellCast 3.

That's fuckin' amazing.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, put on some titties and ass.

This is a championship fuckin' fighter,

right?

Watch the fight and shut up.

Fuck that.

We want porn.

Porn.

Porn.

Porn.

Porn.

Porn.

That's what pit was at his sexiest.

I don't know if it was his clothes or him catchin' the fish, but holy frig.

Yeah, he was.

Something else.

He's a sexy devil.

If you're into that, I agree.

He's just such a badass,

but really sweet, too.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, Randy.

Well, listen, anyway.

We're gonna have to stop talkin' about Pratt at some point

and get some fuckin' sleep, okay, bud?

God, I hope I freakin' dream about him tonight.

Yeah, well, if you do,

just make sure you stay up there

and keep things pointed away from me, please.

Good night, bud.

Good night, Bubbles.

Let me take a wild fuckin' guess,

yeah?

Hello?

Hey, Buffs, didn't wake you up,

did I, man?

Would it matter if you did, Julian?

Look, buddy, I've got a bit of a situation.

The guys all took a vote,

and they'd rather watch porn.

Porn?

No, you know what?

I am fuckin' done with this,

Julian.

I did what you asked me to do,

which was fuckin' bananas,

by the way.

I am not gonna be your goddamn porn DJ.

I'm sorry.

Randy and I are in bed.

You're what?

You're in bed with Randy?

No, not fuckin' together.

We're in our jammies, havin' a

sleepover.

Listen, this is the last fuckin' time I'll ever ask you to do anything.

Bullshit, it's the last time!

I promise you, I promise you.

Bubbs, I'm serious,

okay?

I'm fuckin', I'm scared,

man. Whatever.

You don't get scared.

You're too aware.

Jail's not like it used to be,

okay?

Like, the boys are turnin' on me in there.

They threaten to fuckin' shank me,

man. Why shank ya?

You know,

if I get shanked, oh well.

I, whatever, man, at least I'm tryin'.

Are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious.

For fuck's sakes, all right.

You know, I'll help you, but...

This has to be the last time.

I'm not even jokin'.

Like, it has to be.

It's gonna be the last time,

I promise, man.

I love you for this,

buddy, okay?

I gotta go, all right?

All right.

My for earth, thou do, I doth protect thy friends.

You like that, baby?

Oh, yeah.

I got my tool inside you, baby.

Oh, do I do?

Oh, do you want me,

baby?

Do you want me?

Do you want me?

Do you want me?

Yes.

This is fuckin' horrible,

man.

We want some real porn.

What the fuck?

Come on, boys, boys, boys.

This is fuckin'

shit.

What's with this doggie shit and this fuckin'

lame bitch?

Yeah, man, I'm gonna go beat off my own self.

What the fuck is this shit,

Julie?

Boys, boys, you ask for fights,

I got your fights.

Then you ask for porn.

I got your fuckin' porn.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

I wanna see some fuckin' threesome shit.

Stop,

stop, stop!

Jesus Christ!

Come on,

man! Would it kill to see some fuckin' aida?

You better get some better porn,

big boy, or I'm gonna start a shit fight.

And you're my first target.

Really fuckin' necessary?

What the fuck is wrong with you,

man?

I wanna see some boy on boy.

Girl on girl.

Yeah!

Three-way! Yeah! And shower!

Yeah!

Yeah! I wanna see a guy stick a shampoo bottle

up another guy's ass!

All right, boys, boys, just shut the fuck up and watch this, okay?

Fuck! Is that right?

Maybe I should clamp my teeth

around that muscly little dick of yours.

All right, Jesus Christ, okay?

I'll see what I can do,

all right?

Just chill the fuck out, chompy.

Chomp,

chomp,

chomp!

Chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp!

You bastard!

What do you want now?

Look, I know you said not to call back,

but I'm about to get my fuckin' cock chomped off

by that cock-chomping little fuckin' psycho!

That's not really my fault!

What is wrong with him?

Why does he have to chomp down

on people's wieners with his teeth?

Look, the porn's gotta be more hardcore,

and some guys are asking for some fucking guy-on-guy action.

Guy-on-guy?

Oh, my fuck, Julian.

Listen, this is getting fucking ridiculous now,

like just beyond ridiculous.

Fuck sakes, you got to tell me exactly what to search

because I've never looked up guy-on-guy porn before.

Is Randy still there?

Yes, he is, actually.

That's Randy.

Get up.

You're on deck, bud.

Just Julian needs you to be a hardcore gay porno video DJ.

Here, Julian, you got Randy on speaker.

This is fucking awesome.

This is the best job of all time.

How's it going, Julian?

Can you help me out here, Randy?

How dirty are you looking for?

A couple guys requested a shampoo bottle

up a guy's ass or something.

That's a great one,

Julian.

Oh, my God.

Okay, good, good, good.

All right, how's this look?

Yo, what happened to the kid?

Everybody calm the fuck down.

You're going to be getting titties back on soon.

I'm trying to help out everybody here,

okay?

How hot is the guy with the black hair?

He's got a body exactly like yours, Julian.

Randy, would you shut the fuck up?

Look, man, thanks for saving my ass here,

okay?

Tell Bubs I'm fucking sore.

I can hear you.

Okay, sorry, Bubs, I got to go.

Okay, bye, guys.

Check it out, Bumbles.

Oh, my Jesus, Murphy, I don't need to see that, Randy.

This is going to be in my search history forever.

Just put it the fuck over there.

Randy,

for fuck's sakes, oh, my God.

Sorry, it's making me excited, Bubbles.

I'm

basically in a gay porno now.

I should have dicks,

have a C, or a K.

Fuck, that's not a K,

it's a fucking X.

I'm going to have a fucking K.

Avocado, man.

Hey, how's the king of gay porn?

Oh, y'all like to remind me not to borrow

your shampoo any time soon?

Yeah, as if you've ever fucking washed

your greasy hair of day in your life.

Actually, boys, I made a killing today.

Oh, did you?

Yes, I did.

Good for you, I'm really happy for you.

So I guess you didn't fucking need us after all, huh?

Yeah, that's like really cool,

right?

I did come up short.

But if other people weren't selling shit

at the same time as me,

maybe I would have came up with all the money.

Well, you had trouble selling hash

because you're selling fucking gay porn,

too.

But I'm telling you right now,

the fucking demand's there.

Like, we did sell it.

So what'd you pull in, three, four, Hyundai?

It was eight.

Almost eight.

Yeah,

well, but, you know, you owe Charlene 200 bucks for her kid's teeth.

Yeah, she's got to get her daughter's teeth fixed,

but she's coming here to borrow her shoes.

That was important.

It sounds like prostitution.

It's supposed to be the other way around.

You're supposed to be scamming her for money.

It's not prostitution, we fucking love each other.

Yeah, whatever.

Holy dude, I'm glad you guys fucking did well today.

We did, we were.

Which got me thinking.

Boys,

like,

we should be just teaming up and working together.

If we hadn't did that today,

we'd have the TV break now.

Like, fuck.

It's funny you say that

because Karen and I were saying the same thing.

What if we give you the money to shore up the TV?

Yeah, what's the catch?

What's up, boys?

No,

off you go.

You fucking helped us figure out a way

to get all my weed in the person.

All

your weed in here?

You guys have been smoking way too much

of that crazy shit,

man.

No, no, no, we got a plan.

You gotta think on all five dimensions.

Yeah, man.

We wanna turn this place into a hash factory.

You in or out?

Equal partners.

You get 50,

Karen and I get 50.

It's non-negotiable, Jordan.

Yeah.

It's not a fucking bet.

Yeah,

non.

Jeez,

you guys are pretty hardcore negotiators.

Okay, fine, fuck off.

I mean, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't worry about that,

but it's non-negotiable.

If you guys think this is fair for you,

it's fair to me,

man. I mean, the boys did say non-negotiable,

right?

That's what they did say.

And I am a businessman,

so what am I gonna do?

Walk away?

No, I'm gonna take the fucking deal.

So 50 for you and 50 for us.

Perfect.

This is gonna be fucking awesome,

man.

Sweet, we're gonna get loaded.

And then loaded, and then really loaded.

Go pay that ass-fingering fucking prick

his money for his TV,

and let's fucking take shit to the next level.

All right?

Partners.

Yes, equal fucking partners.

Woo!

Arden,

got something for you, bud.

Oh, awesome.

I am very impressed.

Well done.

You think it's all there,

sir.

Are we good or what,

man? Well, we were good, but listen, did I tell you about the new TV package?

It's an 80-inch, hold on.

Just listen to this.

It's an 80-inch TV.

It's got 8Ks of resolution.

It's got a soundbar for only an extra thousand dollars.

Man, you can't be playing me again like this,

man.

Listen, is it not my fault

that technology keeps on moving along?

Okay?

You can do it.

It's only an extra thousand dollars.

You're a smart guy.

Go hustle some money,

okay?

Sweet cheeks.

We'll see ya.

Fucking prick.

Mm.

Ugh.

Fuck.

I'm nuts.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Stay back, Frank!

Oh, my God.