Original subtitles

I've decided that

in light of the incident that

we all know happened to me

very recently, I will not be returning to the Sunnyvale correctional facility,

probably for as long as I live.

I'm just going to put that behind me,

but I wanted to shoot some cool videos for

the boys just so they don't get homesick.

Hey boys,

I know you're probably going to mess me in there,

so I just wanted to shoot some

cool videos to the park for you.

I think this is a nice thing to do because it gets so fucking boring in there, nothing ever changes.

What about Larry, you little cunt?

Who's that sexy little fucker?

He's perfect dick sucking right here.

Oh shit,

that's Pitbull.

He'll bite your fucking cocklock,

man.

He don't even got to get on his knees for me.

Hey Jacks, come play with us boys.

You know, I bet you I was mose-aged the last time I went this long with those hash.

This is fucking insane.

Ricky, you've got to stop fucking thinking about it,

man. I can't, man.

How the fuck are you keeping so calm?

Why do you smell so good?

I smell good because I'm fucking staying healthy,

man, keeping my fucking brain going.

I'm not even thinking about booze anymore.

Oh shit, the fucking piece of hash rubbed all over my body,

so I smell like hash.

What if I forget what hash even fucking smells like?

Ricky, seriously,

shut the fuck up,

okay?

Just shut up.

I can't, man.

I fucking can't.

Fuck a while, the animals in here.

What kind of a jail doesn't have booze or fucking drugs?

Shut the fuck down,

Ricky.

I'm going in solitary.

Oh yeah?

What do you suck by drugless cock,

Clinton?

See, I...

Lick it.

Lick my fucking bag.

I'm not going to lick your bag.

Just a bit of a mouth down.

He's fine now.

No, I'm not fucking fine.

Just you assholes not to miss any booze or any fucking drugs.

We'll call Clinton.

Ricky, Ricky,

I was just in the shower and guess what I heard Pitbull say.

What?

He's got temple ball hash.

You shut the fuck up right now.

Temple ball hash?

Is that good?

Temple ball hash, in my opinion, is the best hash in the world.

I mean Moroccan,

Lebanese, Afghani.

It's all fucking beautiful,

delicious hash.

But temple ball is just fucked.

It's like 60 to 80% THC.

They make it in like India and Nepal.

They go around to the plants.

There's so many plants that are just rubbing the buds in their fucking hands,

and then their hands get all black,

and then they rub all that black shit into a little ball.

It is fucking potent and delicious.

Best hash in the world.

Terry, you're giving me a fucking lung boner right now.

You're serious?

Yeah, that's what he said.

Terry, get some fucking pants on.

You're hanging around us.

We're trying to play cards here.

Chill out, man.

Fuck.

This is a major catch-23.

I need to get high.

It's so fucking bad.

I just hate dealing with that crazy fucker.

He's salty for sure.

Well, you know, fuck, what are you going to do?

He's got the temple hash.

I know,

and Charlene's coming later, and

I've never fucked when I was straight.

I don't even know what it's like.

I don't want to fucking blow things too quick.

She'd think I'm an idiot.

Yeah, that'd be an embarrassment to your whole self,

and I plowed once when I wasn't stolen,

and it's a fact.

Hash helps you,

you know. Well, I got no choice.

I need to get these guys high.

Yeah, you should take the joint and put it right in there.

Hey, how's it going, big guy?

Really?

Is it true that you got a joint?

Did you smell some hashing with your new kid?

Keep your pissy fingers off my food,

or I'll fucking kill you.

Fuck, man, relax.

Joint's not for sale.

Come on.

Just a little puff, then, please.

I'm fucking croaking here.

Please, from one hash brother to another hash brother.

I fucking beg for you,

man. Fucking please, it's like a 99-word emergency.

That's true.

Like, if my mom doesn't get some smoke on them soon,

I think they're going to fucking die.

All right.

I'll hook you up.

You will?

One toke, 30 minutes phone credit.

Oh, fuck that, man.

I just saw four grams for fucking five minutes.

Yeah, well, that wasn't Temple Ball, was it?

Fuck, you're stupid.

The fuck I am.

Smart enough to walk away,

and I'm smart enough to tell you to suck my cock, pit bull,

fucking asshole.

Ahem, ahem, ahem.

Fuck, it's true.

You just made my lungs rock hard.

Oh, my God, that is fucking Temple Ball.

Go brush your shitty teeth.

Wash your face and hands and meet me in a couple hours.

Okay, I will.

They're going to be so fucking clean

you won't even know what to do with them.

One toke?

Fuck, maybe I can get your exhale.

30 fucking minutes in one drag?

What a fucking asshole.

Yeah, well, one drag's not bad,

you know.

Like, this one time, my fucking buddy, you know what he done?

He just took a joint and was like...

Smoked the whole fucking thing in one hole.

Fuck off.

How the fuck did he do that?

He, like, fucking trained his lungs.

Do you think you can train my lungs?

Well, I could try, like...

How'd I do?

Well, not bad.

You got a little beef dangler in there.

Hold on.

Open up.

There.

Thanks, Tara.

No problem, buddy.

Okay, bud, breathe out, breathe out, breathe out.

No, in, in, in, in, in.

Don't, don't, don't.

Are you gonna be,

like, lunging my wall or what?

Go, hold tight, little bird.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Nice, nice, nice.

Now let it out.

Slowly, slowly.

Now you ready for the lung shots?

Get ready.

Hold tight.

In the nose, in the nose.

Out the glove.

In the nose, out the glove.

In the nose, out the glove.

There you go.

No, like, wow, you're supposed to breathe.

Don't lock yourself out there, bud.

Okay.

Can you feel the burn?

You're supposed to burn.

Oh.

Not bad, not bad.

Three sets of ten,

okay?

Here we go.

Okay, bud.

Now hold your breath.

Don't breathe.

Just piss.

Piss?

Five, six minutes, that's it.

Guys, guys, what the fuck are you doing?

We're training Ricky's lungs.

This is how they survive the World War I mustard attacks,

man.

What the fuck?

You're fucked, man.

It's war science, dude.

He's got fucking, like, eyes of a tiger,

like, deep in his lungs.

I'm confident he's gonna rise to the challenge and fucking destroy it.

I'm just hoping to get some of that exhale,

to be honest.

That's why I'm doing it.

All right, man.

Here's the code for my phone credits.

Let's go with the join.

One toke, fucker.

Yep,

one toke, that's all I need.

Hey, uh, Pitbull, I was fucking wondering the question I had.

Like, how much would it cost for,

like, a half toke?

What's a half toke, you idiot?

Just,

like, a half toke for one side of my pulmonary lung,

you know?

Oh, fuck off.

It's working, Ricky, man!

What the fuck did you do?

You said one toke, buddy.

You fucking goof! Whoa, whoa, whoa, man! What the fuck?

We had a fucking deal.

Why would you call me that?

Hey, what the fuck's going on?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Ricky! Ricky! Fuck you!

I know it sounds crazy,

but calling someone a goof in jail is one of the worst fucking things you could do in jail.

Because if you do get called a goof or you call someone a goof,

you better get fucking ready to fight to the death.

It ain't fucking good.

I don't want to fight this dirty little fucker.

He bites people's cocks off.

He's fucking nuts.

And apparently, he can lock his jaw.

That's why they call him Pitbull.

All the fucking things he could have caused me,

he calls me a goof.

I have no choice.

Now I got to fight.

I don't want to lose my cock.

I mean, I need my cock.

I wouldn't mind if it was a finger or an ear or my lips or whatever.

It's my fucking cock we're talking about.

Yeah, no

pitbull here,

Vaude. Okay, good.

Julian, man, what the fuck are you doing playing cards?

I'm starting to freak out.

This is going down,

man.

I need you to coach me or something.

Ricky, I'm up 20 bucks here,

man.

This can't fucking leave the game.

Jesus.

That's all right.

That's only my cock.

No big deal.

I'm supposed to see Charlene later.

Don't worry about it, Julian.

All right.

Do you want some coaching?

Yes! He comes at you.

You fucking sucker, Neon.

He goes down, it's over.

Okay, but what if I'm like this

and he just bobs a wheeze around that

and then all of a sudden, whoosh,

clamped right on.

Ricky, man.

Bye-bye, cock.

No big deal.

Ricky, all you need is some protection.

Tare, I'm not going to wear a fucking rubber.

No, no, like a cock protector.

Yeah.

That's fucking it.

I just need bubbles to bring me in a cock protector.

Nice one, Tare.

Great, great.

Hello?

How's it going, buddy?

Hey, Ricky.

I'm going to need a hollowed-out cactus

to protect my cock.

Um, could you repeat that?

I am not sure what the fuck I just heard.

I needed you to go to the store,

buy a cactus, hollow it out, and smuggle it into jail for me.

This guy named Pit Bull wants to fucking fight me.

I need to protect myself.

Whoa now, Pit Bull, Pit Bull.

Do you mean the little person

with the fucking grill that bites people's cocks

that was on the news, that guy?

What do you mean he was on the fucking news?

Ricky, he was on the fucking news.

He went on a rampage down at the Legion biting people.

Oh my fuck.

What am I going to do here?

Well, Ricky, a fucking cactus isn't going to do it.

I'll tell you that.

I saw him bite right through

a fucking stop sign on the news.

A fucking stop sign?

He bit clean through a stop sign,

so a cactus is not going to do it.

Listen, you need to head down to the fucking workshop

in the jail there.

There's all kinds of things in there

that you could probably figure out,

but get something with some fucking girth, get something substantial.

All right, Tare, my cock needs us right now,

man.

We got to find something.

Okay,

like fuck, just this thing, man.

Just like put it on there.

He'll like, oh, I already cracked it.

That's no good.

Maybe the metal pair.

I don't know.

It won't fit my pants though, will it?

No, it's too big.

Oh, how about that?

Like just put it in there

and you'll notice all that padding.

It's not bad.

I don't know.

I'll keep that as a backup for now.

Oh, the bird house.

It's probably in the fucking packet right now.

Now we're talking.

It's a bird house.

But that won't fit my pants, will it?

No.

Then he'll like...

Fuck!

Uh...

Gask in here.

Oh, how about this?

How about this?

Like you just put that right in there,

right?

If you put that in the pistol,

he won't be able to bite right through.

Yeah.

Well, but then if he gets it,

he'll kind of be like stripping a wire, you know?

What about the straps?

If I put it in,

he might think that's it.

Yeah, decoy cock, decoy cock, but...

Fuck!

Whoa!

I got her!

What about this fucking iron?

Oh, man.

You know what?

That's fucking perfect.

That'll work.

He can't bite through that.

So are you like a hard cock fighter?

Kind of soft cock?

Like, or...

Probably somewhere in between.

I don't think so.

Well...

That'll be fine, you know?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

Woo! He's not getting through that there.

Nice one! Iron cock! You're like a superhero!

I have to admit,

I was nervous when fighting this fucking psycho,

but now that I got cock protection,

it's a fair fight.

I mean, he's not that tall.

I'm gonna beat the living fuck out of this cock sucker.

Fuck him.

All right, you ready for this, man?

Yeah, I thought you didn't care.

What are you talking about,

man?

I'm your best friend.

Of course I'm gonna be in the fucking corner with it.

Come on! Get psyched up! People got a lot of money on this.

Let's go! Psych! Come on! What do you mean money?

Just come on! Get psyched up! I can do this!

I can do it! Come on!

I want to see a lot of movement.

A lot of movement.

OK, dance around.

Dance around.

You don't want to be still.

Fucking go!

Listen to me, man.

It's all about the knee.

You want to get one good knee now.

Take a break down.

And also, there's one thing.

He's getting scrapped.

Go get his ass!

What?

What?

What?

What?

Do you want me to punch him?

I don't know! Did he bite you in the fucking metal pipe?

No, but I'm forgetting about my balls.

He's got my fucking knuckle!

Oh, there's a lot of sackage in his mouth!

Pimple, please! Why do we forget about his fucking balls?

No! No!

No! No!

No!

No!

No! No! For fuck's sake! Pitbull, please!

We can work something out.

I'll make you some homemade hash.

It's better than temple butter.

It'll blow your fucking head off!

Please don't bite off my balls!

Homemade hash! Take it! What do you think of my hash?

All right, okay, man.

Let go! We'll get you some homemade hash!

Just let go! He's not gonna look!

What the fuck?! Get me over to the fucking phone!

Pitbull!

Do that for me!

We'll get you some!

We're gonna get you some,

Pitbull! Just relax! Homemade hash!

Relax!

What's your code number?

What's your code number?

What's your code number?

What's your code number?

What's your code number?

Don't put out my balls!

Please, Pitbull! I need my balls!

Hello?

Relax! Don't be good with it! Bob!

Bob, please! You gotta listen to me,

man! I need to find some fucking wiener in here right now!

Wrong number, sorry.

Nobody named Bob's here.

Hang it up!

You don't fucking understand!

Remember the fight between me and Pitbull?

He fucking went down!

Guess what he's clamped onto right now!

Ricky, tell me your wiener's not clamped in his mouth right now!

No, no, no! Not my wiener, but a big section of my bag and one of my fucking nuts!

It's right in his fucking mouth!

And he's chomping hard,

man! Please! Ricky, how in the fuck did you let this happen?

Please fucking stop your chomping!

Listen to me! This is a fucking emergency, man!

You gotta get some weed down here right the fuck down where there's gonna be some

fucking meatballs and spaghetti hanging from the stock sack!

You got it?

Okay, just so we're crystal clear,

you're telling me Ricky's bird is in Pitbull's

Is he gonna fucking do it or not?

He's got one ball and a bunch of his sock in his mouth!

Come on, man! Hurry up!

Alright! Alright! Fucking stand by! I'm on it! Okay!

We'll build the yard!

Is he coming?

He's coming!

Fuck! Oh, to the fucking yard! Oh,

fuck!

Yeah, nothing out of the ordinary happening in Sunnyvale today,

really. Nothing at all.

Oh, I mean, other than the fact that I'm being forced to fly a bag of weed into

my best friend in jail who's scrotum is being held hostage in the jaws of a little

person.

Other than that, everything is just like it should be.

Goddamn weed and scrotums.

Please, man!

Breathe! Breathe,

buddy!

Fuck, he's hot-jawed! Oh, fuck!

Where the fuck is this thing?

Where is he?

Fuck, it's right there!

Yes, fucks!

Alright, all our salvation is here!

We're gonna get high tonight!

Nice flying, Bubs! Grab the weed!

Let's get to the kitchen!

Alright, boys!

Thanks, Bubs! Right on, buddy! See you later, man! Right on!

Let's go, let's go! Easy, guys!

A lot more,

man! Nice and easy, Pitbull.

We're almost to the finish line, man! Let's go!

Billy, put a fucking burner in the freezer!

We gotta make some hash,

man! Burner in the freezer!

Burner in the freezer!

Fuck!

Okay, send it in, Pitbull.

It's coming, man! How did I forget about your fucking balls?

You fucked up, Terry!

Come on! Okay, Ricky, now what?

Dump the powder at the bottom,

Julie! We just need the crystal stuck to the glass!

Okay, good! There's a lot there,

man! Fuck it! I'm about to pass out!

Doing good, Rick!

Deep breaths, man! This is almost over, buddy!

Oh my God!

We got this, man!

Okay!

Let's just light that motherfucker up!

Okay, here, cusp it, Pitbull!

Come on, little guy, have a hoot!

Oh God!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, thank God!

That's some good shit!

How bad is this,

Ricky?

Do you need the doctor,

man?

Oh, fuck, it's still hot! Oh, fuck! Is it okay?

Is he dealing with hair?

Oh,

fuck! He's a little mangled,

buddy! Yeah, but it's all still there!

Oh, fuck!

Swimming swan on page 64 is pretty decent.

Tower

gammy! Freaking awesome!

Yeah?

Did you think any more about what costume you're gonna wear at Rockcon?

Am I gonna wear a costume?

Oh, yeah,

Randy.

That's what Rockcon is.

I mean, you gotta peck your favorite rockster and dress up as him.

Maybe I could be Sebastian Bond.

Oh, Randy, I don't think that's the best choice.

The man is sex four with herbs.

I could suck my tummy in bubbles.

Check this out.

Dude!

Rock and roll on ride killer,

dude!

Yeah! That's actually not too bad.

Well, hello.

Afternoon, gentlemen.

Afternoon, officer.

Hi, there.

Didn't happen to see a drone in this area.

No, I...

Almost has a drone.

Randy...

It's real cool.

It can land itself and it'll follow you around.

Randy!

I don't have a fucking drone.

That was a frisbee.

Oh, you, uh...

You must have forgot to take your medication, did you?

Randy's on pills and when he forgets to take it,

he starts talking.

Crazy hallucinating.

Maybe I did forget to take my pills.

Yes, remember last week he thought he saw a T-Rex eating a trailer?

Obviously, you can't trust anything he says.

So, there's no drone?

Not that I know of.

I mean, I'm just a simple man.

I live in this shed.

I don't know about drones or

space travel.

I don't even understand the physics of flight with lift and all that stuff.

It's true, officer.

He knows nothing about nothing and I definitely forgot to take my meds today,

so I better go get them.

I don't want to hallucinate.

See you later, guys.

All right.

So,

I'm here for a reason.

Okay.

I know who your neighbours are.

I'll be watching you.

You got it?

Yep.

Fuck.

Oh,

my fuck.

I'm under surveillance.

I am officially under surveillance now by the police.

This is just great.

I knew I was pushing my fucking luck.

Pushing my luck with the week and the drones.

This is slow, buddy.

Almost there.

Thanks for helping me out.

No problem.

Fuck.

You know what?

I don't know if I can do this.

What do you mean you can't do this?

I don't know if I can.

I love her, but I'm supposed to bring her money.

I don't fucking have it.

You're supposed to bring her money?

What are you talking about?

She's supposed to bring you money.

That's how it works.

No, man.

This is different.

What do you mean it's different?

Is she the clown right there?

Is that her?

Are you fucking serious?

The tit's on her,

man.

I know, man.

You made her a life.

Fuck.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I have to stop that right now.

Go talk to her.

Just a second, man.

Fuck.

I'm starting to get hurt and it's fucking everything up and down.

Well, sack it up and go fucking talk to her.

Oh, my God.

Look how fucking bruised it is now.

It's swollen.

Look at that thing,

man. Now it's fucking bleeding again.

Do you think she's gonna be cool seeing this?

I don't know, Ricky.

You know what?

Take a look.

I've seen that thing fucking shot

and I've seen that thing broken.

Don't you take a look at this.

It can't be that bad.

Get over there.

Is she gonna be okay with this?

Just a quick look.

Oh, my fucking...

Are you fucking kidding me?

I know.

Ricky, that is not good.

You can't show her that.

Fuck.

Watch her get some duct tape.

Oh, no.

You need stitches, man.

You got shit hanging under your fucking bag.

Fuck!

Oh,

my God.

Oh, my God.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck!

Give the voltage!

Oh, my God. you