Original subtitles

Deliver this letter to the Sahib.

Go.

Who is going there?

A friend is going there.

What are we calling the password?

We are calling the password... curry powder.

By curry powder.

The King Emperor.

The King Emperor.

Right.

Carry on, Smithy.

Thank you.

I say, Barrington, good news.

More action, sir.

Better than that.

My entry has been accepted for the Monte.

Oh, wizz-wizz, sir.

You know what this means?

If I win, my inventions will become world famous.

Oh, another wizz-wizz, sir.

The Dawlish military klaxon.

The Dawlish exhaust extractor combined with tyre inflator.

It's your brilliant brain, sir.

I can see absolutely nothing to stop you.

Very nicely put, Barrington.

Thank you, sir.

You realise that when I become a millionaire...

there'll always be a job for you at my side?

Thank you, sir.

In a junior capacity, of course.

Of course, sir.

I think you know the toast.

I think so, sir.

Mr. Miss President!

There's no need to shout, Barrington.

There's only the two of us in here.

Sorry, sir.

Mr. Miss President, the toast is... the Monte Carlo rally.

The Monty.

The Monty.

The Monty.

The Monty.

The Monty.

The Monty.

The Monty.

The Monty.

The Monty.

Get out the jalopy and polish the wheels.

She's gotta be the smartest of the automobile.

Polish the paintwork and clean off the rust.

They won't see our Chelsea for dust.

And when we arrive miles ahead of the rest...

everyone will know that our jalopy is best.

They'll have to admit she's a car you can trust... so it's not the Carlo or bust.

And we drive along for the wild life... along with an independent front suspension...

every kind of new invention.

Any old thing can get invention... as we hold the crowd's attention.

We'll look around for some suspension... mixed with a little apprehension.

We're on our way to Monte Carlo.

Old France says we cannot follow.

We hear the French of the Republic... and we're gonna win the rally.

So we're soon to be the toast of Monte Carlo.

Get out the jalopy and polish the wheels.

She's gotta be the smartest of the automobile.

Polish the paint boy and clean off the rust.

They won't see our Chelsea for dust.

And when we arrive miles ahead of the rest...

everyone will know that our jalopy is best.

They'll have to admit she's a car you can trust... so it's not the Carlo or bust.

Here's my suspension.

Monte Carlo is bad.

Hard cheese, sir.

Anything wrong, Carter?

Rather bad news for Cuthbert, where are we, Ted?

Oh, good.

You haven't seen him, I suppose.

Yes, he just paid off the 18th tea.

Oh, thank you very much.

I said... Yes?

Where are we, Ted?

Yes, yes.

I'm afraid I'm the bearer of some very sad news.

Really?

Your father, Sir Percy, been killed in an accident.

Oh, crashed his flying machine, I suppose.

Kept him to buy a new one, and it's too barely mean.

Still, I suppose that's the way he would have wanted to go, eh?

Would you chaps mind very much if I had a few moments with my thoughts?

Poor chap, he's taking it very bravely.

I gather it was all over in them, didn't it?

Well, shall we carry on with the game?

I'm sure that's what the dear old painter would have wanted.

You're not serious.

The match must be abandoned.

Abandoned?

We've got a fire on it.

Don't you remember?

Come on, you look for your ball and I'll look for mine.

I say, my ball's right here.

What a bit of jam.

My dear fellow, playing golf after a tragedy like this, well, it isn't cricket.

Look, my dear old fruit, it may be a tragedy to you, but it certainly isn't to me.

Don't you realize I inherit the title, the estate, the

chairmanship of rare armaments, the whole caboodle.

I'm rich.

I am stinking ruddy well rich.

I say, it certainly is my day.

Good morning, sir.

Morning.

Get in.

Come on, easy.

Fine.

The place has certainly brightened up a bit since I was here last.

Oh, we do our best, sir.

It's all mine.

Not exactly all yours, sir.

What are you talking about?

Of course, it's only half yours.

Half of me, half.

Some time ago, when you were in Foreign Parks, your dear father suffered a loss,

unusual even for him.

Well, I don't know the details, but apparently he

lost half the share in the factory in a game of poker.

Just a minute.

The pater never lost.

By default, sir.

He had six cards in his hand instead of five.

Garsley.

In court, I mean.

Well, who won?

A Mr Chester Schofield, sir, from Detroit.

And a bit of a nuisance.

He's practically taken over the whole works, trying to inject American know-how.

What do you mean, he's here now?

Oh, yes.

He's been here for six months.

Works day and night, night and day, and doesn't take a penny in salary.

Well, as long as he's increasing the profits.

There aren't going to be any profits this year, sir.

What?

Mr Schofield's policy is one of expansion.

He's invested every penny we've got in new plant, and he's raised all salaries.

No.

Now, if you please, he's engaged in redesignings at fifty-nine.

It looks as though I've arrived in the nick of time.

Where is this blighter now?

Well, now.

It'll be in here, sir.

Oh, come on.

What's that row?

That's another of the Yankees' ideas, sir.

Music while you work.

Not worth a needle.

Come on.

Damn silly idea.

I'll never catch on.

Just a minute.

Who's been having a picnic off Dad's misty knive?

Sorry, Dad.

We're in heaven again.

Hi, Perky.

Who's the greaseball?

It's Cuthbert Bear Armitage, Baronet, which means you call me sir.

Well, it's certainly a pleasure to make your acquaintance Sir Cuddy Sir.

Put it back.

What?

Schoolboy buzzer.

How outrageous.

Perkins, this is my partner.

I'm afraid so, yes, sir.

May I introduce Mr. Justice Schofield II?

The second?

Neither of two of them?

Come here, Cuddy baby.

Come here.

Let me show you something.

Relax, will you?

Take a look at that baby.

Isn't she beautiful?

We're going to call it the Triple S.

We're really going places, you and I.

Zowie.

Mr. The Workhouse.

Perkins, do we have to have this bloody row?

What's the matter, sweetheart?

Don't you like it?

I'll fix it.

No self-respecting Englishman would have seen dead in that monstrosity.

I mean, it doesn't even look like a motor car.

It looks more like an upholstered roller skate.

It's the first and the last we make.

Perkins, see to it.

Keep your throttle open, partner.

We're 50-50, remember?

Yes, and my 50% says he's got to stop and see to it, Perkins.

Perhaps Mr. Schofield would like to tell you that he shares.

Sure.

For a cool half a million simoleons.

Now, if you haven't got that kind of mazooma, how... I'll tell you what.

Pick a card.

Any card you like.

It makes no difference.

Go ahead.

Pick a card.

Any card you like.

Queen of spades, right?

Right.

It was.

What's this one, baby?

Ace of hearts.

It's gone.

Here it is.

Tell you what we're going to do, you and I.

Why don't we play one hand of poker?

Five-card stud.

Winner take all.

Pick cards with you?

I'd rather play with my own father.

Okay, tin horn.

It's all the same to me.

50-50.

How are you going to get out of this nightmare?

Perkins, are we too late to enter for the Monte Carlo rally this year?

No, sir, but we've always taught it wiser to stay out.

Why?

Well, since your father was requested to return the trophy.

Yes, he was a bit careless that year, wasn't he?

Nothing to do with me.

I say, Schofield, old being.

I think I've thought of a way in which we can find out which is

the best man and the best machine for the welfare of this firm.

We'll both enter for the Monte.

You drive the roller skate, and I'll drive the nifty nine.

The winner takes all.

Fair enough?

What is this, sir, muddy?

Some kind of a race?

No, it isn't a race.

For an endurance test run under strict rules.

1,500 miles on the most diabolical of roads.

In the most inclement weather in Europe.

Hand finishing in the Monte Carlo.

Well, Schofield, are you man enough to take me on?

Sure, but are you, Currie Baby?

I certainly am, and so is Perkins.

Me?

Well, you would like a nice trip to La Belle France, wouldn't you, Perkins?

Yes, if I can get permission from Mrs. Perkins.

So you leave her to me?

I wish I could.

Well, Schofield, is it a deal?

It's a deal, Mac Deal.

Do you think he's got a chance, sir?

Against a rare armatage.

Don't be badly ridiculous.

A little pause.

..

Horst Müller.

German sports car enthusiast from Argentina.

Very popular with the ladies.

It's like I'm twins.

Exactly.

Herr Müller has entered a car in the Monte Carlo rally.

And you are going to drive it.

Will not Herr Müller object?

It is unlikely.

Herr Müller is at the bottom of the lake.

Your co-driver will be Otto Schwartz.

Oh, Otto!

You know him?

I met him very often in prison.

You will start with the group from Stockholm.

Shortly before you leave, six spare tires will be delivered to you.

The staff will be concealed in the fourth tire from the top.

Here.

May I inquire what the staff is?

Do not be impertinent.

You will pass through four customs.

Sweden, Denmark, Germany and France.

You need have no fear.

Customs officers will go out of their way for rally drivers.

And in any case, would be so so primitive

or so elementary as to try and deceive them.

I ask you...

Only all beloved chief, His Excellency Count

Lovinovic, late of the Tsar's own imperial guard.

Come here one moment, Shikun.

Is it true that you are having the reputation

of being the most fast driver in the underworld?

Ha, ha, ha!

That is what he say, Excellency.

I must remind you, the Monte Carlo rally is not a race.

You will proceed at the speed set each day by the

organizers and make yourself as inconspicuous as possible.

I suggest you arrive at the finish in, say, the 26th position.

And on no account, allow yourself at any time to be photographed.

I understand, Excellency.

26th position, no photographs.

But excuse me, Excellency.

What's with the money, huh?

If you are successful, you will live like a Tsar.

And if not, you will be joining Herbulah at the bottom of the lake.

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on, come on!

Come on, come on!

Come on, come on!

Come on, come on, come on!

Report, please.

Thank you.

At last!

At last!

We have won the prize in the Tombolationale!

10,000 liters!

4,000 each!

Now I buy the nice little house, find the nice little wife with the nice big.

..

and have lots of nice little bambinos.

Momento, momento, not so fast.

You want to be miserable underpaid policeman all the rest of your life?

I don't mind if I've got the nice little wife with the nice big...

You've got to mind.

Don't you want to be the very most important racing driver in the world?

No, that's what you want to be.

All right, you can be the second very most important racing driver in the world.

You like that, no?

I prefer the nice little wife with the nice... Anyway, I can't drive.

I can't drive.

All right, you can learn.

How am I going to learn to drive when I haven't got a car?

How's about that?

Just look at it.

The most beautiful car in the world.

And it's yours and mine.

I'll pay for it.

50-50.

You've spent my money without asking me.

I want my money.

It was my money.

I want my 50.

I want my 50, Angelo.

My 50.

You are my best friend, see?

Yes, but...

If I don't buy that car, you know what happens to me?

I have to marry the Marasciallo's daughter.

You have to.

How else am I going to get promotion?

Do you want to marry her?

No, I want a nice girl with a nice big girl.

And that is what I'm going to get for you.

When I'm as famous a driver as Nubolari...

...and you are as famous a driver as Malcoma Campbell...

...we have all the girls we want.

How are we going to become the most famous drivers in the world?

That's a good question.

First, we enter the car in the Monte Camarale...

...and we're going to win it.

And then?

Then we enter the Milanilla and...

...and we're going to win it!

And we... How are we going to win it when you can't drive?

Who says I can't drive?

I've been studying that book for three years.

First, you switch on the engine.

Second, you put in the clutch.

Move the gear into first.

Oh, no!

Oh!

Every morning my body is broken.

Darling, your fault.

Women drivers.

I might have none.

You should never be permitted on the street.

Pannies!

Pannies!

Let me talk to the pannies.

Oh, let me win this!

Be careful.

This one, it's even worse.

What is it?

I told you I was not to be disturbed.

I'm dying.

Among those sweating to see you, sir, is a doctor.

A doctor?

I thought perhaps...

Send him in.

I hope he's not too late.

Oh, doctor.

Doctor, look.

My uncle is worst.

You?

Oh!

How dare you!

Rode hug!

I came to see you about our entry form.

In the absence of the organizer, would you sign it, please?

No, no.

Never, never.

Not in a million years.

Since I am a doctor, perhaps you will alarm me.

Let go.

Take your hands off me.

I don't approve of women doctors any more than I approve of women divers.

And I will not sign your entry form.

You did that deliberately?

Yes, I did.

I must find out if any damage has occurred.

Is there any rule that says a woman's team cannot enter?

You have neither the strength, the stamina, nor the abilities.

Women should be coming in at all times.

Take off your trousers.

What?

I will do nothing of this.

You do not seem to have heard that women have been emancipated.

What?

We vote.

We work in offices and factories.

What are you doing?

We fly airplanes, we sail boats, and we drive cars.

Help!

Help!

I am as good at driving, monsieur, as I am at my sin.

Sit down.

Please.

It doesn't seem to hurt any more.

Of course it doesn't.

You're cured.

Now perhaps you will sign our entry form.

I have no pen.

There's one here, monsieur.

Merk, if you are left unaware... No, no, no.

You may not, madame.

Now, I must tell you that for this year's rally,

competitors from 15 different countries will be taking part.

And there will be five starting points.

48 drivers will start from Jono Gross in Scotland, 35 from Stockholm in Sweden,

25 from Athens in Greece, 30 from Ragusa in Sicily, and 18 from Lisbon in Portugal.

From Jono Gross, they will take this route.

From Stockholm, this route.

From Athens, this route.

From Ragusa, this route.

And from Lisbon, this route.

They will all meet, if they are lucky enough, in the French Alps at Chambéry.

Those competitors who survive will now all travel the same route to Monte Carlo,

where they will finally have to race against each other.

Oh, look!

They are starting at Jono Gross.

Bon route!

Hello, sir.

Hello, Schofield.

Anything wrong?

Oh, the whole kit of caboodle.

Holy mackerel.

Do you know what happened to me?

My driver went ahead and got himself a case of the... Excuse me.

I say, do you mind?

I just had breakfast.

Well, you can see that I can't possibly take him in the car with me, now, can I?

Well, of course you can't.

I say, what really rotten hard cheese.

Needless to say, I didn't expect to win our wager in this way, but there you are.

Look, if you collect your things from the factory and send me back those 50 shares.

..

Just a minute, Sir Cuddy.

I haven't lost anything.

I'm not giving up.

I'll just get myself another co-driver here.

Too late to register another co-driver, old fruit.

That's all.

Well, like Lindy, I'll go it alone.

That's all.

Alone?

1,500 miles of the worst roads in Europe.

It's impossible.

Who won the war?

We did, Scofield.

And don't you jolly well forget it.

But still, I do admire your pluck.

What in luck is co-driver going down like that?

How do you do with luck and no planning?

Planning?

You mean that you... Well, of course I did.

I have no intention whatsoever of losing this contest.

Oh, how despicable.

You realise, of course, that you leave me with no

alternative, but to report this matter to the authorities.

Just a minute, Perkins.

You sank the military so blind.

Perhaps you'd like to report this as well.

What?

Which little thing I found amongst the dear old papers.

It's a dossier on you, actually.

Compiled by the Sunbeam detective agency.

Detectives?

Me?

Well, take this picture, for instance.

Isn't that you next to this girl without any clothes on?

Take him to the fancy dress ball, perhaps.

Better get back in the car, Adam, old fruit.

Or the serpent might give you a nip on the band.

Any of you guys read a map?

Oh, yes, sir.

It's my duty to warn you, sir.

I have an absolute gun for question.

But, I mean, is there anything in the regulations that says I can't go it alone?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I'll obviously have to go and look it up.

A damn fool, Yankee, is going to do it alone.

A

few interesting devices for you here.

This is the Dawlish Periscope.

This is a bit of a secret weapon.

I can only tell you it's going to come in pretty useful.

This is the fog lamp, especially penetrating.

Sees through anything, this guy.

These are unique and, I think, rather handsome, Dawlish, anti-prodestian, klaxon.

Hold!

Come on, come!

Hand me those tires!

I want them as big as I could.

Come on!

Let's get them at the car, too.

Be careful.

No!

No!

I'll kill him!

Schweinhund, bitch!

I say, sir, did you hear what that German chap called you?

Schweinhund, what were you doing?

What would that mean in English?

Good heavens!

I've got a very good mind to get out and give him a damn good thrashing.

I wouldn't do that if I were you, sir.

Thank you.

You wouldn't?

No, sir.

In that case, I won't.

Let all of them go.

Here we are.

Let me get my hands on you!

Where are you playing at?

Are you drunk about?

Hold it!

Oh, no woodcuffs, no, no.

He nipped off pretty smartly, didn't he, sir?

Yes.

I expect he can see in my eyes that I was going to give him a damn good thrashing.

I don't see anything in your eyes, sir.

Be careful, really.

We must not make ourselves conspicuous.

Oh, no, he fucked you!

Marchen, you've gone crazy, but you want to miss the start.

Who do you want to be?

The great lover or the big racing driver?

Malcolma Campbell or Casanova?

Malcolma, make up your mind.

I want to be Malcolma Campbell.

Well, get into the car, you Malcolma Casanova.

Come on, give us a show.

Come on, give us a boost, please.

Get us a shovel.

What's up, Perkins?

A rose bloke.

Oh, yes, better start digging, eh?

Aren't you going to help?

I really love two Perkins, but I don't want to get my boots dirty.

I wonder if I can just have a spot of that, sir.

Certainly not.

You're driving.

It's very cold out here.

Well, of course it is.

You've got the bloody door open.

Blast!

Oh...

Best of luck!

Rameses!

Rameses!

Rameses!

Oh, I say!

You!

Maddy!

You haven't seen a chestnut gelding, have you?

My horse.

I know it's jolly careless of me, but I've lost it.

No, no, I didn't see your horse.

Or your chestnut gelding.

How on earth am I going to get home?

Oh, do you... Well, excuse me, but where do you live?

Bardsley Manor, back there.

Not more than 10, 15 miles.

Oh, I see.

Sure would like to take you back there, but I'm on my way to Monte Carlo.

Oh, Monte Carlo.

Oh, do you know, we don't live in that direction at all.

Uh-huh.

Would you like a shot?

Oh, no, no, thank you.

I, uh, I don't.

Neither do I.

I tell you, you see, I'd like to help you out, but I'm working against time.

You see, I'm on a rally.

It's a pity, though, because you could have...

Being an American, I'm sure you'd like to see Bardsley.

It's Elizabethan, you know.

Oh, it is.

Well, it sounds really terrific, but, uh, you see, I must be on my way.

Ah, yes, I understand.

It's a shame, because you could have come to lunch, met my grandfather.

He's a, he's a bishop, you know.

Oh, bishop, eh?

Well, uh, yeah, well, I'd love to meet him,

but you see, I really must be going that way.

Oh, well, I suppose I'll have to walk, if I can walk 15 miles.

Yeah, well, uh... Here you go.

Uh, yeah, right.

Um... Oh!

Oh!

Uh, your, uh, madamship, uh, your lady, ma'am.

Uh, excuse me.

I've got a solution.

What?

Why don't we do this?

Why don't I drive you down to the nearest town?

You see?

Then you could get yourself a... Oh, yes, okay.

Well, hop in.

By myself?

Oh, excuse me.

I forgot you were a lady.

Uh, there.

Thank you.

I do appreciate this.

Something?

I know how much you've done yourself by.

He's got a bit of fluff with him.

So I saw.

An unregistered passenger, if you ask me.

Lucky we spotted him.

We can stop at the next checkpoint and report him for cheating.

Right or left, Barrington?

Um, hold out, sir.

Tell you in a minute.

Make up your mind, Barrington.

Which way?

Uh, Malmo.

That way, sir.

Where are we?

Where are we?

I'm looking.

Curious route to Malmo, Barrington.

Dash slippery.

Switch on the doorly snowstoppers.

Snowstoppers at the ready, sir.

Right.

Snowstoppers switched on, sir.

Snowstoppers functioning properly, Barrington.

Afraid not, sir.

They're, uh, well, bubbling, sir.

Try the switch again.

Snowstoppers switched on again.

Ha -ha!

Perhaps we should lure them into the snow, sir.

Good thinking.

On the command, drop them.

You will drop them.

Right.

Get them down.

Snowstoppers, drop!

Good.

Off, sir.

Dropped off?

Sir.

Right off?

Complete right off, sir.

Ah.

So much for the doorly snowstoppers.

This is the shortcut to Malmo, sir.

Is it?

Yes, sir.

From there.

Remember, Willie, what he said.

Remain inconspicuous.

Leave us alone.

Go away.

I can't see your mind.

Keep away.

There will be an accident.

Get away!

Get away, then!

It didn't look bad, sir, but old Sausage and Sap found his waving at us.

He is, is he?

Well, ignore him.

I've no intention of hobnobbing with Jerry.

Get out of there!

If that Hun does that once again, do you know what I'm going to do?

What, sir?

Ram him.

Ram him right up the... ...carpa pass, sir.

Willie, don't do anything stupid.

You're the worst driver I am ever following.

You are not only taking the wrong notes, but you are

turning and skittling without making the proper signals.

I'm having the good mind to kick you in the strudelpuss.

Just you try.

Huh?

I said, just you try.

Forget it!

What is a strudelpuss, Barrington?

I'm scared.

I push you, right?

Like!

Good.

Now we can continue.

I think it's pretty clear whose side the Lord's on, Barrington.

England, sir?

Naturally.

Oh, I say, I think we're mucking up their game, sir.

Sir's right, they should be playing something decent like cricket.

Aye, aye, sir.

I think we hit one of their chaps, sir.

On the contrary, he hit us.

Oh, yes.

Aye!

You're going!

You're going!

Aye, you're going!

You're driving, Jeremy!

You've got a car ready to ride!

Aye, aye, aye!

I've got my truck!

Oh, oh!

Aye!

I've got your house!

Sir... What on earth is the fox today doing on the road?

Aye!

I suppose the same as us, sir.

En route to Malmo.

If these bobsleigh

wannas don't stop dawdling, we'll never make the checkpoint.

Get out the way!

Get out the way!

Better pinpoint our exact position, Barrington.

A good soldier always knows exactly where he is.

Oh, no, sir.

Coordinate 302.

Soon be in Malmo, sir.

I think you've made a slight miscalculation, Barrington.

I don't think so, sir.

Sir!

Sir?

Perhaps the good lord is sending us a nice surprise from heaven.

What happened?

It's a ski.

Oh, right here!

Get out of the way!

Get out of the way!

Get out of the way!

I think we are sinking.

The tire!

Stop!

We must catch it, Arnold!

Get the tire!

Out of the way!

We need to catch it!

Come back, you crazy hogs!

Well, it looks like Mr. Schofield's Mr. Bolt, sir.

Yeah, in more sense than the one.

I thought you would.

Well, Perkins, I suggest that you find a sheltered

corner of the deck and get some shut -eye.

In the motorcar path.

Thank you, sir.

Will you be all right?

Oh, yes, I think so.

I'm just going up to my cabin.

Oh, how despicable.

First off!

Are you all right, Betty?

Yes, I think I am.

I'd better check the damage.

But I wouldn't like it to happen every day.

We're at sea.

Don Heck and an H-E-double-L.

Well, what I was just trying to say was that

we're going to have to stay up all night.

Fix it before we get to Calais.

Well, but I thought you said that everybody was going to be all right.

I thought you would have a nice rest on the channel crossing.

Well, everybody else will, I guess.

I can see it's all my fault.

I shouldn't have persuaded you to stop for tea at Stamford or cocktails at Maidstone.

You're glad to get rid of me, weren't you?

Well, I wouldn't say that, Princess.

Oh, excuse me.

I shouldn't call you Princess.

I mean, you being a lady.

And as a matter of fact, you know, for a lady, you've been very, very useful.

Useful?

Yes, you have, really.

Do you know that you are the first person that has ever

said that to me, except, of course, my grandfather.

Oh, really?

Oh, I ought to let him know I'm all right.

Do you know if there's a wireless on this ship?

We will reach Roma by six o'clock tonight.

Exactly on schedule.

What a wonder we will get.

Come on.

What?

Look, look!

Oh, no!

No, no, no!

Faster, faster!

Don't let them get away!

I can't go any faster.

I'm trying to get them.

Get over to the road!

Go!

Go!

Go!

Go, go!

Oh, my God!

Not fair!

First

left, and then straight on for 30 kilometres.

Merci, mon navigator.

Oui, mon.

Happy time.

That was a policeman.

Well, it didn't look like a policeman.

Just one more.

He's following us.

He is, huh?

Well, I'll tell you something.

With this sweet little baby, I eat the policeman for breakfast.

Darn heck.

Make you double L.

Oh, excuse me.

Of course you have that to my trousers.

I beg your pardon.

I'm terribly sorry, but you see, I'm on my way to Monte Carlo.

I'm a Monte Carlo driver.

Yes, he is, on the rally.

I give you a license to bring the death to the road.

Well, I didn't mean to bring any death to the road.

Did you start a hurting lesson?

Before you do a hurting lesson, here, why don't you pick a card?

You'll love this trick.

Pick any card.

It's the nine of hearts, right?

You are not trying to play the games with me.

Now, an explanation, please.

Actually, officer, Monsieur Legendre, we were on the

way to the hospital in Paris to see my poor sister.

Her poor sister?

What is wrong with your poor sister?

She's ill, terribly ill.

No, she's ill.

No, I'm not Angelus.

Yes, Angelus.

And this gentleman was very kindly trying to get me there.

Mon capitan.

Mon capitan.

Oh, yes.

You see, your sister is morting.

You get it?

I mean, she's almost... Keep it up.

Good, good.

Great, great.

What?

Keep playing.

Excuse me, mademoiselle.

At which hospital is your poor sister?

The big one.

Just a cracker?

That's the one.

Yes, that's it.

Follow me.

Terrific.

Thank you.

Is your sister a pretty machine?

Well, you're only not so clever.

Have to wear armors, it's Baronet reporting.

Oh, yes, of course.

May we have your log book?

There you go.

Oh, come on, log book.

Log book.

Log book, yes.

Log book.

Sir.

Oh,

I say, vous vous, mademoiselle.

Can you certainly get up out of here, don't you?

Yes, sir.

Sir.

Oh, thank you.

Just a minute.

What's this penalty?

Ten points.

You are an hour early.

You are supposed to be here exactly on time.

Blast.

I hope you're going to give that Yankee chap the same penalty.

No, sir.

You are the first.

He kills, spells a bloody ding-dong.

Betty, what are you trying to do to me?

We're two hours late.

Have I been naughty, Chester?

Oh, Betty.

Anyway, you've had a lovely rest.

Oh, that's terrific.

You like it?

You think it needs a hat?

No, no, no, no hat.

It looks terrific.

Just get in the car.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

Here.

What are you doing?

You can't put those in.

I can't.

I can't have those in the car.

Will you take those out of the car right now?

Oh, excuse me.

Come and see.

Well, no, no.

It is forbidden to pass.

No car goes through until I'm satisfied.

This is a rally.

Everyone's losing points by the delay.

It's absolutely outrageous.

We've never had customs interfere with a rally before.

And we have never before received a tip -off.

That one of your competitors was smuggling jewellery.

It's ridiculous.

All these men are sportsmen, well-known drivers.

They couldn't afford to be mixed up with crime.

What about Herr Müller?

He's a famous German driver from the Argentine.

And the driver of the car was a Union Jack?

He's an Indian Army officer.

He's traveled 10,000 miles to take part in this rally and show off his inventions.

He's hardly likely to be a smuggler.

He may have invented a place in which to smuggle jewels.

Anyway, we will search the German's car first.

Nothing to declare.

Lockbook.

If I'm telling you I have nothing to declare, not even about Frankfurter.

Unpack those bags.

Knife.

I say, steady on, huh?

Hope they don't find our cigarettes.

All right, Scotch.

Don't fuss so, Barrington.

They'll never search us.

Any fool can see we're British.

I think they're going to cop it, sir.

Let them pass.

Lockbook, sir, if you please.

They're running a bit slow, so if you just stamp the old lockbook, we'll be away.

Ah, yes, these.

These are purely for our personal consumption.

I'm a very heavy smoker, and Barrington here is a very, very heavy drinker.

Steady, sir.

For his size, that is.

You will both come with me.

Strip the car.

I will strip these men.

Strippers?

Naked?

That is what I said.

The only persons permitted to see me in the pink are Mrs. Dawlish, that's the

men's side, Ritchie Veraswamy, that's my batman, and Major E.J.

Crossweight-Punsimby, and that's my doctor.

Request refused, and that's that.

Bring them inside.

Get off.

Get your hands off me.

Get off.

Excuse me, please, sir.

You are still heavy on my lockbook.

Oh, yes, sir, of course.

There we are.

All right.

As far as I'm concerned, this is definitely the end of the Entente Cordial.

Aye, aye.

What's the idea?

The girls!

Marcello, I don't want to stop.

Marcello, do you hear me?

Please don't be so obstinate.

Look!

Hey!

Hello there!

Hey!

We're going to have the swim, too.

Oh, it's very hot.

Hey!

Who do you want to be, Malcoma?

Count the whole Casanova.

I'll change my mind.

I want to be Casanova.

You're not going to be.

Why?

Well... I have a better idea.

Come on.

Come on.

I want to be Casanova.

Wait.

Get there close.

Make it close.

Yes, yes, yes.

Hey!

In the booth.

Yes.

And now we're going to have a nice swim.

Hey!

I'm here!

I'm coming!

Wait for me!

Ooh!

Ben!

Lovely girls.

Ben!

Ben!

Oh, no!

Come back!

Come on.

What?

Come on!

Come on, Cello.

Why you say we're going to have a nice swim?

Why would you deal your mind?

That's a kind of head of us, Marcello.

I can't afford to lose this rally.

You know that.

Let's go!

I don't know.

Don't look.

Bonsoir.

Finner up.

Oui, monsieur.

Oh!

I say...

Am I the first rally driver to pass through here?

Oui, oui, monsieur, oui.

Haven't you got anything smaller?

Fray not.

I've no small change.

Well, you'd better go and get some, hadn't you?

El garçon.

Off you go, Perkins.

What about your change?

Oh, let him keep it.

He must know by now what a generous, lovable person I am.

What a filthy trick!

You did that on purpose.

Perkins.

What a ghastly thing to say.

Come on, Perkins.

It won't start.

Come on.

It won't start.

Come on, hurry.

Let's get out of here.

Get out of the car, Perkins.

Carol, run for it.

Grab the bag.

Hoist with your old pet heart.

And it serves you jolly well right.

You know, Perkins, if I were you, I'd be careful what I say.

I don't have to anymore.

Sir Cuthbert Cleverdick.

My dossier went up in those flames.

I'm a free man now.

Gah.

Hello, Mr. Perky Perkins.

Shall we get on with the rally?

Well, in fact, I've got to go.

Better hope.

My dear Perkins, you don't for one moment think with you driving and what's at stake

that I didn't foresee a crack-up or a mechanical breakdown.

Got a light it'll be in.

So I arranged for three identical nifty lines with

identical numbers to be planted along the route.

One telephone call and we'll have a new car by dinnertime.

Generating!

Now, what did you say your names were?

Chester Schofield II and Elizabeth Hardwick I.

Oh, but I have only one room.

Will that be all right?

Of course not.

It won't be all right.

Are you kidding?

Well, this is her ladyship.

We can't share a room.

Please, let me show you.

Then that's what I would have the sofa.

I would have the sofa.

You should have the bed now, Mr. You should have the bed.

Then it's a green.

Bed, sofa.

Bed, sofa.

You wish to be called at seven o'clock, sir?

Yeah, that's right, that's right.

About seven o'clock.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Well,

I shouldn't have done that.

Excuse me.

I'm awfully excuse me.

Let me pass.

I'm asking you to do anything difficult.

Just for speed, young Chester, if you think this, your troubles are over.

Come on.

Wouldn't do me any harm.

Just put him to sleep for twenty-four hours.

Sorry.

Oh, go away, Cuthbert, and shut the door after you, please.

Now you do as I say, and you'll have no cause to regret it.

Good night.

Perkins, where are you?

Perkins!

What was Sir Cuddy doing in here if it isn't a rude question?

Nothing.

He came into the wrong room.

And what is it you can have no cause to regret?

It's none of your business.

Oh, it isn't, huh?

And can I ask you another question?

What is Sir Armitage to you anyway?

He's my second cousin, if you must know.

Yes, my grandfather is his uncle.

Right.

Well, then why didn't you tell me this before?

Why should I?

It's got nothing to do with you.

It doesn't?

Well, it's very important to him and to me.

I've got to wager with him.

You want to know something?

I'm beginning to wonder.

Now what are you beginning to wonder?

Well, you know, it seems...

It seems to me that from the minute I picked you up, a lot of little things have

been happening, little things to slow me down.

Such as?

Such as tea in Stanford, cocktails in Maidstone, breakfast in Calais,

shopping in not-so-gay Paris.

And you think that I delivered?

Right.

Oh, thank you very much.

If it's not delaying you too terribly, would you mind opening the door?

Betty, there's really no reason to get that excited.

Excited?

Who's getting excited?

You're getting excited.

All I want to know is what...

Before I go, I would like to point out that I may have slowed you down once or

twice, but you're still in Shambury at the same time as everyone else.

I really did it this time.

Oh, B-L-A-S-T.

Perkins, where the hell is my room?

The shoes, our shoes.

It's all very confusing.

Perkins, Perkins.

What a horrible way of making it more confusing tomorrow morning.

Swap all these shoes around so everybody gets a different pair, except me, of course.

Oh, do we have to, sir?

It's awfully childish.

I don't agree.

It's all part of the strategy of the rally.

Willie.

Huh?

Be a good fellow and switch off the light.

Now then.

Hurry up!

Oh,

no!

Oh, no!

Good night, sir.

Roses are shining in Piccadilly.

Roses from blooming Piccadilly.

Perkins,

there's a stranger in the bed.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, you've got my... Oh!

Oh, come on.

I've got a forceful start.

That's him.

There's the... Oh, there you are!

That's him.

Put his massage off, sir.

Oh, sorry.

Yes.

Oh, no!

I'll tell you!

Oh!

That man's going to... Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Can't someone find the main switch?

Perkins!

Damn dossier.

Perkins, don't you ever let up?

Get out of this room!

Get out!

It's yours!

I'm so sorry.

I say, Perkins, how else do you do it?

The dossier.

It's quite simple, if you know how.

Good show.

Sweet dreams, Packay.

None of them, please!

Betty... are you asleep?

Yes.

And I don't want to talk to you.

I'm terribly sleepy.

I'm terribly sleepy, too, but I can't go to sleep until I tell you that I'm sorry.

I really am terribly sorry for what I did.

I mean, for jumping to all those terrible conclusions about you.

I shouldn't have done that.

I mean, I wouldn't be this far if it wasn't for you.

I'd have probably ended up in Timbuktu or something.

You didn't drink?

No, I gave it up.

You saw me throw it away.

Oh, thank heavens.

I mean, I don't like a man that drinks.

I can see that.

Listen, you don't have to say you're sorry.

I forgive you.

Well, thank you.

Do you think it'd be all right if I got under

the rug and kind of huddled a little bit?

For just a couple of minutes, I could just huddle you until I just warm up a bit.

How is that?

Is that all right?

I'm not crying to you, am I?

Got enough room?

Yeah, terrific.

Chester?

I promise I'll take another drink.

They're all going quickly, quickly.

The rally, the rally.

Oh, yeah, the rally.

I'll get dressed.

Anyone got a check on?

Give her a sweep.

Where's my glove?

Look, can you give my windscreen a rub?

I'll get the bags.

Oh, come on.

Two each.

Why do you make the eyes of that girl?

I know a woman like the back of my hand.

She wouldn't even look at you.

Besides, I think she's fancying me.

Oh.

Ciao!

What is it?

What?

What?

The milk is drugged.

The milk is drugged?

Yes.

That's why Cupboard was here last night.

He was trying to force me to force you to drink it.

Force me to force you to force you, but why would he want to do that?

You see, he knows something terrible about my grandfather, and

he said if I didn't do as he wanted, he'd have him defrocked.

Defrocked?

Yes.

That would be terrible for my grandpa.

Well, it ain't chop chicken liver to me, I'll tell you that.

Well, I guess that's it.

Goodbye.

I mean, I lose everything.

Lose everything?

No, of course you don't.

Do you feel sleepy yet?

As a matter of fact, I don't.

I feel quite good.

There you are.

You see, you never know.

It may not work with you.

Anyway, I'll keep you awake.

How?

I'll think to you.

Well, I'll throw water over you or something, but you must...

I think it's beginning to work.

You must keep going.

Yeah, right.

We've got to keep going.

Yes.

Let's go.

We've got to keep going.

Span out.

Check the oil pressure.

What the valley hell's that?

Looks like a cowcatcher, sir.

Not likely to catch many cows around here.

Here we are, Perkins.

identical to the other one.

You amaze me.

Ah, you're going to get up very early to catch a whale armitage.

Right.

Barrington.

Low torch.

Thank you.

Stand back.

Stand back.

Now, if the dawlish snowmelter doesn't see us

through to Monte Carlo, my name's Rudolph Valentino.

This must be a very proud moment for you, sir.

It is indeed.

I think I can safely say I'm on my way to my first million.

Oh, whisper, sir.

How absolutely r-r-rippin'.

That cowcatcher's melting the snow, sir.

Why don't we follow him?

Good idea.

You know, Perkins, I think that some of my genius is beginning to rub off on you.

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

Come on, Perkins.

This

is one of your best inventions, sir.

They're all good, Barrington.

I think on the mark, too, I'll have to do something about the smell.

I'm hoping you'd say something like that, sir.

Can't stand it any longer.

I'll take the high road while they take the low road.

Oh, shame, shame.

It's broken, sir.

Rotten civilian workmanship.

Should have had it made by the army.

Well, bango's your million, eh, sir?

Never mind, Barrington.

We can do without it.

We may have lost the Dawlish snow melter, but we haven't lost the rally.

Well said, sir.

You mean to say we're going to change to the Dawlish super snow tractor?

Exactly.

A good soldier always has something in reserve.

Exactly.

That's what I always say, sir.

What do you always say, Barrington?

Uh, whatever it was you said, sir.

Oh, that.

Yes, yes.

Good thinking.

Not so fast, not so fast.

I know, I know.

But we've got to pick up time.

Look out, look out.

Are we not dead?

Oh, come on.

All right.

Quick, it's ahead.

Quick, quick, everybody.

Not me.

The car.

Can't you go any faster?

Are we still behind time?

Yes.

One, two... Look out!

He's in fire!

He's in fire!

Come on, come on, help us.

Come on.

Push the car!

Push the car!

Are we not going too fast, really?

His Excellency is definitely saying we have to finish in 26th position.

Who is caring what His Excellency is saying?

We are Germans.

And there's only one place for a German that's fast.

Oh, dear.

What has happened?

We're going too fast, Willy.

I'll get the tire.

Is it the one with the stuff?

Full of jewels.

All taped to the inside.

If His Excellency has taken all this trouble to get it to Monte Carlo,

it must be for many, many rubles.

Why don't we keep it for ourselves?

Nein.

His Excellency is too powerful.

He has eyes everywhere.

Do you think so?

You are a stupid man to believe that.

Why don't we make for Switzerland, huh?

They never would find us there.

They would praise the car.

Let me go by foot!

Let me go by foot!

Willy?

Willy?

What's that?

A signal!

Come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come.

We have to... Monte Carlo!

How did they find us?

They must have been walking us all the way.

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't shoot Excellency.

We are only having a little joke.

Now we are changing the wheel.

I don't want you to be thrown into the lake.

Otto!

Kill him before they kill us!

I kill him before they kill us!

Don't get a close shot!

I wish I was back in my little cell!

I wish I was back in my little cell!

Tell Otto!

Tell him!

What about the other plane?

Leave it!

Give it!

You'd better get out of here!

Chester, you've got to stop!

I can't.

I've got to beat Sir Armitage.

Are you all right, Chester?

Chester?

Chester, wake up!

Oh, Chester, I love you.

Oh, Chester, I love you!

I'm sorry, Chester.

Well, if only I could drive.

It can't be as difficult as all that, I mean.

So many people do these days.

Even Grandpapa.

If he can, I jolly well can too.

Come on, Chester.

Over to this side.

Now, you have a good sleep and I'll take over.

Ah, there.

Ah, yes.

Good choice.

Good choice.

The brake, the brake.

Ah, yes, let the brake out a notch.

Oh, that is better.

Nothing to this.

Absolutely nothing to it.

Do you know how I got this idea, Barrington?

No, sir.

I was playing tennis in Pondicherry.

Serving, actually.

And I suddenly got the idea that if these Eskimos can wear tennis rackets on their

feet instead of snowshoes, why shouldn't I put skis on my car instead of wheels?

You're an absolute genius, sir.

Yes, I suppose I am.

Chester.

Chester.

Ah, I've done a killing kick.

Now, I've found the brakes, Chester.

Is anything wrong?

Look at that.

I see.

Well done, Betty.

You never get out of that.

Shake hands with the winner, Perkins.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm going to climb up there and help them.

What, in your collages?

Yes.

Oh, don't be so bloody no more.

It's the only decent thing to do.

Look, Perkins, any more of that Scottish Antarctic

bosh and I'll climb up there and give them a push.

Chester.

Chester, Chester, Chester, wake up!

Yes, what is it?

What?

Oh, relax.

I'll, um, I'll take a look.

Well, it, um, can't really be as, uh, bad as all that.

Ah!

Look, Betty!

Look, Betty!

Can you hear me?

I'm so scared.

Betty, move to the back of the car.

I can't.

I'm too frightened.

I can't.

Betty, get to the back of the car or we'll end up down there.

All right.

We're too young to die.

Betty, I

can't hold on much longer.

I say, sir.

Um, don't think I'm imagining things, but that lady looks as though she needs help.

By Jove, I think you're right, Barrington.

A damsel in distress.

Help!

And British too.

People!

Help!

Go, Barrington.

Get a move on.

Betty!

Uh, hang on, sir.

Nothing to worry about.

The army's here.

Come down the north, please, if I heard you, Barrington.

Slightly easier.

I'll look after the little lady.

Now then.

Absolutely.

Get on, Barrington.

Nothing to worry about.

Hello, sir.

Nothing to worry about.

Just keep your eyes still.

Ah, fine.

May I introduce myself?

Yes.

King Barrington.

The 16th largest.

Chester Schofield, 13 Rivington Street.

Fantastic.

Well, we'll soon have you out of there, sir.

Well, please hurry, because I'm beginning to fall asleep.

Wakey-wakey.

Wakey-wakey.

Let me get a hold of my knife.

Just a moment.

Come along, Barrington.

Don't do it all.

Well done.

Thanks a lot.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

I say, Barrington, this gives us a first -class

opportunity to test out the Dawlish tow rope.

Oh, whizz-whizz, sir.

Dawlish, by Schofield.

Now, the fascinating thing about this rope of mine is that it's made of the finest

Indian hemp by a special process known only to

myself and little Indian guru friend of mine, C.J.

Pratchett-Pepple, Bombay.

Come on, Barrington.

Get a move on.

Here we are, sir.

Get a hold.

Whoa!

Careful.

Come on, then.

Right.

I'll come and find you.

I've been arrested.

Come on, then.

Come on, come on.

I'm coming.

I've got to get this zip back.

Is anyone found?

Do you need help?

No.

Chester does.

Everything's safely attached, Barrington.

Chester, wake up.

Chester?

Now, you just wake up, Chester.

I woke up.

I feel swell.

I really feel swell.

Chester?

Look out, my glasses, dear.

Swell.

I am a doctor.

Terrific.

I don't think you are well.

No.

Oh.

Do you really want to go on?

Oh, I must, I must.

Yes, you must.

Come with me, then.

Oh, I swell.

What happened?

You see, I was drunk.

Are you quite sure she's a doctor?

Ready to go.

Steady there.

It's stretching, sir.

Thank you.

Yes, I don't think this is quite what C.J.

Pratrapetl had in mind.

Look out!

Look out!

Watch this afternoon.

Keep out of the way.

It's not exactly what I had in mind either.

Sorry, sir.

I wouldn't stop once it started.

Much damage?

Not really, sir.

Oh, dear.

Well, it seems to have done the trick in any case.

Good old Pratrapetl.

These are something very new and normally I would not prescribe them.

They'll clear your head and keep you going for 24 hours.

After that, well, there'll be a reaction.

Terrific.

You'll sleep and sleep and sleep.

Here.

I say!

What about giving us a hand?

I feel better already.

Come along now.

Lend a hand.

Terrific, doc.

Thanks.

Come on.

Always happy to help a fellow competitor.

You get in there where you can steer.

You may be there, you be there, and out here.

You're not trying, women.

Come on, get out.

Don't let them get away with it.

Come on, Betty, let's go.

Back to the car!

Trouble, Bangdon?

The starter's stuck, sir.

I'm afraid the mixture's too rich.

I suppose we'll have to push the damn thing.

Sir.

Ready?

Sir.

Push!

There we go!

Nearly ran over me, sir.

Nearly ran over me, Barrington.

Right, Barrington.

Put her in gear.

There.

Let out the clutch.

Engine still won't start, sir.

Stop the car, then.

I can't, sir.

This won't do at all.

Put on the brake!

I have, sir.

Put her in reverse.

I have, sir.

Then start saying your prayers.

I have, sir.

This is what comes of doing someone a good turn.

Land there.

It must have been a blockage in the fuel feed, sir.

Just as I thought.

Need a good bang to clear it.

Let's get going.

Monsieur Dupont!

Monsieur Dupont!

Oh!

We've just got news of Sir Cusbert Ware Hermitage.

He will shortly arrive at Monte Carlo.

Yes, but this does not mean he's the winner.

Now, this year there has been so much confusion, irregularities, and so much

snow that we really do not know where we are.

But one thing is clear.

At least 28 competitors will be running neck and neck for the first prize.

Does that mean the ladies' team has got through?

Yes, it does.

I beg your pardon?

Yes!

Jolly good.

Jolly good.

Tomorrow morning there will be a time trial around the Grand Corniche.

Thank you.

And the team which makes the fastest time will probably be awarded the trophy.

Does that mean the ladies may be the winners then?

I hope not.

May I quote that?

No, you may not, monsieur.

Mademoiselle, if you don't mind.

We are 42 km and we made it!

Come on, let's go!

Thank you.

My back!

Quickly!

What happened?

Careful!

I am a doctor.

Leave them to me.

Attend to him.

Dominique, help me.

This one.

I take him.

There!

Is there anything we can do to help?

Yes, get an ambulance.

My mother's already gone for one.

Good.

Then you had better get back into the rally.

There is no point in all of us being out of it.

But you can't give up now.

We are inside a Monte Carlo.

I am a doctor.

My friends are medical students.

For us, duty comes first.

If we win, we will tell everybody that you would have beaten us.

And what is more important, you win.

You will know it yourselves.

So we will not only win for Italia.

We shall also win for you.

Armicello, we still have time to show everybody what Romans can do.

Angeles.

Well done.

You are well off amongst the leaders.

That's a good German car.

And a good German driver from the Argentine.

If you can win the time test tomorrow, you could win the trophy.

Or the race.

I could, but I can't.

We have to be in the 26th position.

It's a count.

He's come to get us.

How did he get here?

I don't believe it.

It's a trick.

No, he's in chains.

Look.

Well, just push it in that direction.

What are we going to do, Willy?

We will be arrested and sent back to prison as soon as God made little apple students.

To hell with the 26th position.

I'm going to win the speed test and the Monte Carlo rally.

Then, Otto, I go back to my prison.

A happy fellow...

And I go back to my prison, a happy fellow, too.

Thank you, monsieur.

Lurkins, where have you been?

I was just having a bath, sir.

Might wash the car.

What do you want?

Sir, if they don't cheat us of any more points, we'll have this rally in the bag.

Yes.

The only thing that will count against us is that we'll be lost.

Oh, bad luck, sir.

Luck doesn't come into it.

We've got to get another one.

Will you going to get another tire at this time of night?

Well, Lurkins, I'm not.

You are.

Me?

This chap's got more tires than he needs.

He won't miss one.

But that's... that's stealing.

Is it?

Oh, so technical.

Go on, get up.

Oh!

Check out that!

Help!

Look out for us!

Shh, Lurkins!

What the hell are you playing at?

I'm stuck, aren't I?

Here.

Stop!

Help me!

Oh, hang on.

Hold still.

Yes, I... Oh!

Ow!

Merci bien.

Bonsoir.

Au revoir.

Good night.

Oh, uh, Betty?

Betty, I feel... I feel terrific.

I feel like dancing.

It must be the pill, you know?

That's what it is.

It must be the pill.

I feel like a cool million.

I feel like Tuppence Hadley.

Well, what's the matter?

Did I do something wrong?

I did.

Well, what did you do?

Well, just, uh, listen.

When I picked you up in Yorkshire... You, Laddie, remember?

Yes, right, I remember.

It wasn't an accident.

Oh, well, I know that.

Sir Cuddy put you up to it, right?

Yes, you see, I was supposed to do a dreadful thing to you.

I was supposed to get you out of the rally... and take you back to Bardsley Manor.

So that I could have tea with you and your granddaddy, right?

Well, I know that, and I really don't care.

You don't care?

No.

Well, not even if I tell you that I had to...

I had to borrow money from him in Paris.

You can't like me.

Well, of course I like you.

I do, and, uh, I really don't care.

As a matter of fact, I'll tell you something.

What?

You know what I'm going to do tomorrow?

I'm going to go out on that track...

and I'm going to grind Sir Cuddy's face right into the ground.

Oh.

And when I'm finished, finished, I'm going to come back here...

take off my handkerchief...

put it on the ground...

get on my right knee...

take your hand...

and say... Yes.

I...

Perkins.

It's time.

Oh, you got that?

It's time.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Time to go.

I've

caught you just in time.

Last night, monsieur.

You dropped your passport.

Ah, sir.

Thank you, sir, dear.

Next to us.

Tower pressure?

25 at the front, 28 at the back, sir.

Water temperature?

Uh, 75, sir.

What about the oil?

60, sir.

Right.

Just in case we don't get back... I'd like to say it's been... great fun, Barrington.

Or rather...

kit.

It's been... ripping, ripping, ripping, sir.

It's been... high this year.

Oh, wicked, sir.

Let's go.

Right.

Anything go wrong, sir?

I think the weather was against us.

Oh, well.

Back to the kyber pass.

Shouldn't take the money, eh, Perkins?

Let's have a look at this place.

It's full of the doors.

They must be stolen.

Sir Cusbert, we are admitted... 55 minutes, 38 seconds.

Officer 55 minutes, 39 seconds.

Angelo Pincelli, 56 minutes.

It is my prerogative... my privilege... to present this magnificent...

good honor to the man... who, by his resoluteness...

on flagging courage... and audacious driving... is the winner of this year's...

Monte Carlo Rally.

Sir Mr. Cusbert... to your hands, monsieur.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Sir Cusbert, may I have a word with you?

First of all, I have a little champagne, eh?

We've got to look after the police.

Have you ever seen this tire before?

No.

No, no, of course I have.

My, uh... it fell out of your car in two hours.

Look, I saw it with my own eyes.

And you will be saying next... that you did not know it contained...

Just a minute.

You're suggesting that I pinched them?

I think it would be better... if you came along with us to my headquarters.

Just one minute.

Huh?

I know exactly who stole that tire.

Yeah?

Perkins!

Please!

Perkins, please!

Put it down, please!

I saw the tire drop from his car!

Would you mind telling this officer...

where we got that tire?

Come on, pick up!

Oh, come on.

You see, he's explained that the Romanov diamonds... were hidden in that tire...

and has the affronted to suggest that I stole them.

Would you mind telling him how we got it?

Well, a chap brought it down from Paris... when we secretly swapped cars.

Sir Cuthbert paid him 5,000 quid for that tire.

I thought he was a bit much at the time.

You bloody... Come on!

What's your name?

It's a dangerous criminal.

Take him away from me.

He's...

Have a look at him.

My name is Percy.

Ah!

Excuse me, but has that been... that all the other competitors' beats are covered?

Yes, indeed.

So long as they cross the finishing line.

Oh, I see.

Thank you.

Going forward, the next winner!

It is my prerogative... my privilege to present... this good honor to the man...

who, by his resoluteness...

flagging courage on audacious driving...

in your alley of the museum... and a peccalo winner.

Oh!

Winner from the Arts of Inn... to your hands, monsieur.

It's always good...

Excuse me, sir.

Thank you.

How are you doing, horse Miller?

A short photo and we are meeting!

Quick, quick.

Not yet?

Ow!

Ouch!

Oh, dear!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Let's bring on the next winners!

The next winners!

Who is higher?

The vegetarians!

The winners!

That's what I thought.

You are not likely to be arrested, are you?

Oh, no!

Oh, yes, you are.

That's it.

The girls!

Oh, yes!

Adolphe!

Adolphe!

Adolphe!

We said you would win the rally for reports.

And the cat, I would.

All hands together.

Let's drink to us.

Here?

Hey, wait!

I'm for the honour of the Roman police.

Yes!

Look who is here!

There is another one!

Oh, look!

Here's to my love!

Well, what happened?

We've done it!

We've done it!

We've crossed the line!

Yankee Doodle Dandy!

We won, hey?

Well, what happened to Sakani?

We beaten him!

Terrific!

Yes!

Now we can get married!

Now we!

He's a good driver!

Get out the jalopy and polish the wheels.

She's gotta be the smartest of the automobile.

Polish the paint plate and clean off the rust.

They won't see our chassis for dust.

And when we arrive miles ahead of the rest.

Everyone will know that our jalopy is best.

They'll have to admit, she's a car you can trust.

So it's not to call a warch-butt.

We're on our way to Monte Carlo.

Although from sea we cannot follow.

We give our friends a very valley.

And we're gonna win the rally.

So we're sure to be the ghost of Monte Carlo.

And when we arrive miles ahead of the rest.

Everyone will know that our jalopy is best.

They'll have to admit, she's a car you can trust.

So it's not to call a warch-butt.

My suspension!