Original subtitles

[man on TV] Win a trip for 12

to anywhere in the free world.

Or win a working

oil well and have money

flowing in for years.

That's the grand prize

in Dial Soap's big contest.

Write a two line

jingle starting,

"I'm glad I use Dial..."

The last word in

both lines must rhyme.

For example,

"I'm glad I use Dial..."

[man] Put it across the plate.

Jesus Christ, you idiot.

There once was a time,

believe it or not,

when skill and a

reasonable amount of luck,

could actually

feed a family of 12.

Come on! Strike 'em out,

you sorry, dog-faced bastard!

Play ball!

Contesting,

if you haven't heard of it,

was a lucrative way

for overworked housewives

to use their underused wits.

[typing]

It wasn't that I was

any more gifted

than your average contester,

I was simply

more determined.

I was so prolific, in fact,

that I borrowed my

children's names

so that I could submit

more than one entry.

This was a perfectly legal

tactic in the

contesting world,

and as far as I could see,

one of the advantages

of having so many kids.

[baby crying]

My creative output

usually corresponded

directly to our needs.

-Hey, Mom. Toaster's broke.

-Broken.

All right. Hold on.

"Kraft's Parkay

won't tear fresh bread.

Even ice cold,

it will smoothly spread."

-Here you go, honey.

-Thanks, Mom.

[woman] Small household

adversities were my

steady inspiration.

But whenever fate handed

one of my kids an unfair blow,

it would set my muse on fire.

[baby cooing]

[children talking]

-Mom.

-What, honey?

The landlord's here.

Oh, hello, Mr. Stubbs.

Come on in.

[car horn honks]

[children] Dad!

Hey, Dad!

-[man] Come on, let me out.

-Dad, Dad!

-We're being evicted.

-Oh, yeah?

The landlord came by, says

he wants the house back. His

daughter's getting married.

-How long do we have?

-[boy] Three weeks.

-What are we gonna do?

-Don't you worry, sweetheart.

Mom will always

figure something out.

-Do you know the

capital of Alaska?

-No.

-Juneau... get it? [chuckles]

-Oh, yeah. Good one.

-[baby cooing]

-Hello, Mother.

Hello, Dad.

I suppose you heard?

Yep. Can't seem

to catch a break.

[baby laughs]

Here, I brought

you something.

-Thank you, Dad.

-Don't choke up

so much on the bat.

-[boy] All right, Dad.

-Attaboy.

Mom, Mom! The men are

here to kick us out!

Mom! Mom!

May I help you?

-Mrs. Ryan?

-Yes.

Is your son, Dick, here?

This is Dick.

What is this about?

Congratulations, son.

-You've just won $5,000.

-I did?

I'm Mr. Forrest, this is

Mr. Bravey and Mr. Kramer of

the Western Auto Supply Company.

Out of 65,000 entries in

our national bike contest,

you have won

the grand prize.

-Oh, my goodness.

-And that's not all.

You've won a brand new

Western Fire bicycle and a

Westinghouse washer and dryer.

-A washing machine?

Oh, my lord.

-[Forrest] That's right.

[Forrest] Mrs. Ryan,

are you all right?

I just have to sit down

and have myself a happy cry.

[children] Dad! We won!

Yay, we won!

Dad, we won $5,000!

-You're kidding.

-Isn't it marvelous?

-It's awesome!

-I told you everything

would turn out OK.

Congratulations, Kelly.

You got quite a wife there.

Yep, looks like

she got lucky.

Dad, Mom says she's gonna put

the money down on a new house.

-Oh, yeah?

-Looks like you're

the one who got lucky.

Oh, now, Kelly was all

set to do it, I just

beat him to the punch.

[man] Alrighty.

Just need you to

sign Dick's check over

to Defiance Home

Saving and Loan.

-Does it matter

which one of us...?

-Nope.

Whoever is over 21.

Although, you don't look

a day over 19, Mrs. Ryan.

Well, in that case,

I'd better sign it.

Here you go.

Okey-doke.

And, now the

mortgage papers...

You need both our signatures,

is that correct?

Some married couples

like to do that.

But it's really

not necessary.

And, after all, I'm the guy

who has to pay the mortgage,

seems I'm the only one

who needs to sign it.

And since the bank

account's under my name...

Sure, that's how

most folks do it.

Well,

that seems right to me.

[clears throat] Well,

I guess it's all on me then.

Unless Mother here

wants to start...

...punching in at the shop.

Only if you'll do

the ironing, Dad.

[banker laughs] We just need

your John Hancock right there.

[Kelly] "Kelly...

...Ryan."

Well, congratulations,

Mr. Ryan.

-You are a homeowner, sir.

-Thank you.

[Kelly] All right,

watch that curb.

-[shooting noises]

-[baby crying]

[laughing]

Ooh.

Oh, my goodness.

Is that what I won?

-Yes, ma'am.

-[Mrs. Ryan]

They're just beautiful.

-Watch out.

-Excuse me, sir.

[Mrs. Ryan]

Can you believe it?

No more boiling diapers

on top of the stove.

Yep, gonna miss it.

It made a nice soup.

Oh, the cost

of modern living.

Excuse us. We're

looking for Mrs. E. Ryan.

-There.

-Oh, hello. I'm up here.

Mrs. Ryan, this is your new

deep freeze home freezer.

[Mrs. Ryan]

Mikey, honey, get down.

"Ask any Eskimo

and they'll say,

frozen keeps the

freshness in every day."

Oh, my gosh. I forgot

all about that one.

When it rains, it pours.

Down, down, down.

Well, bring it on in.

[Dick]

How's it going, Pop?

Don't make your old man

carry this couch.

Come on.

[Dick] OK, on the count

of three. One, two, three.

Tuff, keep that cat

out of the house.

-What are you doing, huh?

-[baby cooing]

Here.

A little bit of this, heh?

-[cooing]

-Good?

-[music plays on radio]

-[birds singing]

-[baby babbles]

-Dad,

isn't this the biggest freezer

you ever seen in your life?

It's like the ones

in the restaurants.

The delivery man told me it

would hold two sides of beef.

Seems like

overkill to me.

Besides, it's dangerous.

A kid could fall in there

and suffocate.

-No, we won't, Dad.

-I don't want to have

to say I told you so.

-I'd like to keep it.

-What the heck for?

Do know how much electricity

this thing will eat?

Well, it inspires me.

It's something to be filled.

Well, good luck with that.

Even Howard Hughes

couldn't fill that thing.

Looks like we got

plenty in it all ready.

-[laughing] Only dishes, but

there's something in there.

-Yeah.

-That'll take up some

of the room, at least.

-Mm-hmm.

-[baby crying]

-[rhythmic] Oh, oh, oh.

[man on radio] The Red Sox,

three, Cleveland, two.

[Kelly] Oh! For God's sakes!

Bunch of bums,

is what you are.

-Bunch of bums.

-[radio]

The bases are loaded.

Writing a winning entry

not only requires

a modicum of wit,

it also requires

careful product focus.

Notice that I have

not one, but two

brand names I need to use.

You want to know

where this is headed?

Niagara Falls,

straight down.

Here's what I have so far.

"Wide selections,

priced to please her.

Scads of Seabrook's

in their freezer.

Warmth that scorns

the impersonal trend.

Stamps Big Chief

is the housewife's friend."

Mom, I left my spelling

book in the kitchen.

[Kelly muttering]

All right, honey.

-[radio] Strike two.

-God damn it.

-Where is it?

-[Kelly] What's the

matter with you?

-Who's ahead?

-The Red Sox.

All right.

Come on, you moron.

Hit the ball!

[radio] ...gets the sign...

on third...

...here's the pitch...

Called strike three.

God damn it to

holy fucking hell!

You're killing us,

you stupid bastard!

-[man] Hey, shut up

over there!

-You shut up!

[man] This is a

family neighborhood.

Clean up your mouth.

[Kelly] I'll clean you up!

Who are, the pope?

[man] Oh, for crying out loud.

I can't believe we got...

God damn piece of shit!

Where you trying to

go with that, Kelly?

This goddamn thing is too big

for this goddamn house!

You're gonna hurt your back.

Why don't you wait

until morning?

I want this goddamn thing

out of the house right now!

I want it out!

I want it out!

-And whoever brought it in...

-All right,

I'll see what I can do.

[Kelly screaming]

-[radio] So enjoy...

-[Kelly panting]

The clean, tangy

taste of Dr. Pepper.

-[Dick] Nice try.

-Sorry, Mrs. Bidlack

Watch it.

-[police radio indistinct]

-Maybe we should talk

on the radio.

[baby crying]

[Kelly] Indians.

I can't believe the Indians...

-[officer 1] Problem is

they got no clean-up batter.

-[officer 2] Clean up what?

Half the team's in a slump.

Best move to make is

get rid of that manager.

You can't blame the manager,

pitching, I'm telling you...

-[Kelly] What a world.

-[officer 1] Yeah.

There's always...

-We're gonna take off now.

-OK, take it easy.

Hey, thanks, Tim,

appreciate it.

He won't give you

any more trouble.

Best thing to do

is let him sleep it off.

[officer 2] Hey, Dick,

how's the pitching arm?

-Playing for a

no-hitter next season?

-You bet.

Go get 'em, kiddo.

Here you go, Mother.

I made this for you.

Thank you, Dad.

[sighs] I'm tired.

-Pajamas are on the bed.

-Thank you.

[Dick] Mom?

Father McCague's here.

[McCague] I don't think

that you need to worry.

I'm sure that he's

learned his lesson.

This has been going on

for a very long time.

Every night he drinks a six

pack and a pint of whiskey.

By the end of the week,

there's nothing left

of his paycheck.

It's all gone to

the liquor store.

Kelly has a big family

to take care of.

I'm sure he's carrying around

the weight of the world.

But, the more he drinks,

the less he is able

to pay the bills,

which is one of the

reasons he's so unhappy.

But it's up to you,

you see,

-to make him a good home.

-But I... But I do.

Well, you'll have

to try a little harder.

[sighs] No one says

that life is easy, Evelyn.

Thank you for

coming by, Father.

Yes, indeed.

Indeed. Indeed.

Are you being obedient

and saying all your prayers?

Yes, Father.

Good boy.

I'll see you in church.

His breath

smells like Dad's.

Well, maybe that's why Father

likes to use so much incense.

-[train whistling]

-All right, kids.

Let's go to bed.

I'm tired of this day.

I need a new one.

[Evelyn] If I may pause

in the story for a moment,

I'd like to briefly

explain my marriage.

As an aspiring young scribe,

I was a resident wit

for the Sherwood

Weekly Chronicle.

Queen Elizabeth, they say,

invented ladies stockings.

Since her time, they've

covered a multitude of shins.

Evelyn,

that's top notch.

[Evelyn] I had potential,

as they say.

I was also in

sore need of adventure.

And Kelly Ryan

was loads of fun.

[laughing]

[Kelly]

♪ The blues of the world ♪

♪ Just singing a song ♪

♪ Just singing a song ♪

[Evelyn] He loved music

as much as I loved words.

And we were just

the perfect match.

-[music playing]

-[Evelyn giggling]

-[siren blares]

-[Evelyn] Then one night,

Kelly's career as a crooner

came to a terrible end.

[gurgling]

And so, our life

in Defiance began...

...where my husband joined

the ranks of ordinary men.

[machinery clanking]

So if he seems

unhelpful at times,

or selfish or mean,

please remember

that he lost his voice,

while I kept mine.

[Mike] Bang, bang.

[Evelyn] Here you go, Dick.

There's a soldier on

this glass, look at that.

-Who's winning the battle?

-[Mike mumbles]

[girls talking]

Drink your milk, baby.

Morning, Mother.

Morning, kids.

Morning, Dad.

What do you say I fix

everyone some pancakes?

You can't. We're out of milk.

I need some money, by the way.

Uh, how about some coffee?

You guys are old enough.

-No, thanks.

-No.

Who the heck did this?

One of you kids?

You did, Daddy.

No, siree.

I think it was...

-...you.

-No, I did not.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Well, can't sell it now.

Looks like we're

stuck with it.

Ah, it seems

like we are.

How about I

take up hunting,

fill that thing full

of duck and deer?

No, Daddy!

You don't

like that idea, OK.

Well, how about

I just go shoot

some squirrels

and little bunny rabbits?

How about you don't spend

so much at the liquor store.

Tell you what.

Every night,

when I come home,

I'll bring something

from the grocery store.

I'm gonna fill that

thing to the very top,

even if it takes me a year.

What do you

think of that?

I think that's

a wonderful idea.

I gotta go to work

so I can bring home the bacon.

-And a porterhouse steak.

-Hey, I'm not kidding.

You just watch

your old man.

Kelly, I need money

for the milkman.

Uh...

That's not enough.

That's all I have.

OK.

[Kelly] Bye, kids.

[boy] Bye, Dad.

How's Dad gonna fill the

freezer when he can't pay

for the milk?

I have no idea, honey.

But at least

he has a goal.

[man on TV]

Now the moment is here,

when Queen for A Day is happy

to make your wish come true.

We're going to the famous

Everson-Jennings company

and order one of their sturdy,

folding wheelchairs.

-There's a sample.

-[applauds]

-[girl] Mommy.

-Yes, honey?

Davey messed his diaper

and I tried to change him.

Oh, show me.

[baby crying]

Oh, Barbie.

The trick is to hold

the baby's legs up while

you take the diaper off.

-I got it on my hands.

-I know you did, sweetheart.

OK, now, here we go.

Follow me.

All right, don't touch

anything. Come on,

Betsy, you too.

Let's wash your hands.

Yeah. Come on, come on.

All right, everybody.

Come on.

OK, put your hands

under the faucet.

[water running]

-[baby cries]

-[Evelyn] Oh.

-[man] Milk delivery!

-Just a minute,

I'll be right there.

-[baby crying]

-Come on, Mrs. Ryan.

I've got deliveries to make.

Just a minute, please.

-I'm leaving.

-No, you aren't.

I'm on my way.

OK, girls. Stay in the kitchen

until I can clean this up.

You know that I got

a schedule to keep.

I know you do, Ray.

What a life you lead.

-Three dollars.

-Um, I'm a little short this

week. Can I owe you the rest?

I... I already got three other

families on credit this week.

-You know I'm

always good for it.

-I'm not a bank, you know.

-You could start

charging interest.

-Don't get smart with me.

-Smart people

know their budget.

-You're right.

I am. That's why I don't have

a problem paying my bills.

Hello, Vernon.

Anything for me today?

You want something in life,

you got to pay for it,

simple as that.

-Here you go, Mrs. Ryan.

-Thank you.

-Hey, Ray.

-Mmm.

Oh, hold on, hold on.

Oh! How do you like that?

I won two dollars

in the poetry contest

for The Toledo Blade.

There you go.

[baby fussing]

There he goes,

there he goes.

Yeah. You want the money?

[Barb] I'm sorry I made

such a mess, Mommy.

Oh. Well, actually honey,

if I had gotten

the door any sooner,

then the milkman would

have left before

the mailman arrived,

and we wouldn't have had any

milk for our dinner tonight.

So, there you go.

It was all meant to be.

This is what happens

to one's literary efforts

once they're placed

in the mailbox.

For the big contests,

they go sailing off

to New York City

to be judged.

The average count is

a million and a half entries.

A million and a half.

Imagine that!

Each entry is first

checked to make sure

it's accompanied

by proof of purchase.

You don't pay,

you don't play.

Next they go to

the junior judges.

College English majors,

mind you.

Who are instructed

to eliminate the trite,

the obvious and the inept.

Oh, dear.

And so, the final

judging begins.

Every syllable of every word

is scrutinized and analyzed,

the merits of each debated

until a few of the

worthiest remain.

The ballots are cast,

the points are added up.

And the grand prize

winner is declared.

Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh!

-[Barb] Daddy,

Mommy won a shopping spree!

-Oh, yeah?

[Tuff] They time her

as she runs in the store.

[Mike] She can get whatever

she wants. She's gonna get us

a bunch of candy...

[Barb] And fancy nuts.

I'm gonna eat a cashew.

-[Kelly chuckles]

-Can you believe it, Dad?

That's terrific, Mother.

Now, I only get

ten minutes and one cart,

so what I did was,

I walked down to the

market to plot my strategy.

-Wait till you hear this.

-The carts are a lot smaller

than the ones at the A&P.

-Mom talked to the butcher.

-He's going to wrap up

some sides of bacon and ribs.

I can build up

the cart that way.

Ah, ah.

Sounds pretty clever.

I've asked him to set aside

a prime rib, a chateaubriand,

what do you think?

-[Dick] We each get

our own filet mignon.

-Absolutely.

Tuff, honey,

would you set the table?

I had filet mignon once.

It ain't that great.

When have you

started saying "ain't"?

Get off your high horse,

Mother. It's a perfectly

good word.

-Here.

-Oh, thank you.

This is just perfect.

I was going to put on

some fish sticks,

but now I can

make sloppy joes.

Might as well cook it up now.

Looks like hamburger's

not going to be good enough

for this family anymore.

Oh, of course it is. It just

won't be the only

thing we know.

I've asked the kids

to make me a list of

what they want me to grab.

-What would you like, Kelly?

-Ah, don't waste any space

in that cart on me.

Oh, now stop. Think. What

have you always wanted to try?

-I don't know.

-Sure you do.

Shrimp cocktail.

The kind they have

in those little jars.

I like the way they look,

kind of elegant.

I always wanted

one of those.

You shall have it.

Thank you, Mother.

Proud of the old lady.

[giggles]

[wheels squeaking]

-[man 1] I think you

should...

-[man 2] Oh, no, no.

[indistinct chatter]

Are all these kids yours?

[boy] Hi, Mom.

Yes. If it's all right,

they were going to

call out the time

so I could stay on schedule.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, heck, I don't see

any problem with that.

Uh... and any help

you happen to give Mrs. Ryan

in filling her cart,

won't be seen by me.

So then, Mrs. Ryan,

are you... are you ready?

[Kelly] Hold on.

[wheels squeaking]

[gurgling]

-Didn't like the

way that sounded.

-Thank you, Dad.

All set?

Go!

[family cheering]

[all] Go! Faster!

-I think we should split up.

-OK.

I'll take the frozen

section, you two take

the European food isle.

-What do you want, hon?

-Oh, caviar, expensive

things.

The good stuff,

not the ordinary, huh?

Gotcha. Marge, go!

Seven minutes to go, Mom!

Seven minutes!

[Dick] Three minutes, Mom,

three minutes! Come on!

Mom, one minute left!

-I got you some goose pate.

You ever had that?

-No.

Let me know

what it's like.

I got all the

after-dinner mints,

the Swiss chocolate,

these two bags of

English toffees and a

couple bags of coffee mints.

Grab and move on, Marge,

grab and move on. Where to?

-Produce!

-What are we looking for?

Exotic things, anything grown

in a foreign country.

-Does Hawaii count?

-[both] Yes.

[Dick] Thirty seconds, Mom!

[shouting, cheering]

Time!

Oh, Kelly! Kelly!

I got your shrimp cocktail.

I got your shrimp cocktail!

[Dick] That was... great.

-We're gonna

eat good tonight.

-Yep.

[Dick] Well done, Mom.

Look at all this food and

candy and sugar and sweets!

And lobster!

[Evelyn]

Let's see, what else?

Anybody want an

artichoke heart?

-What do you think?

-[girl] This is really good.

-Here, Dick, try it.

-[Dick] Yeah,

they're really good.

What's this, Mom?

Litchi nuts,

they're from China.

-Oh, I see.

-[Dick] What do they

taste like?

Get the can opener

and let's try one.

Litchi nuts, who the hell

would want to eat that?

What are you looking for?

I'm looking for hamburger.

I have a steak

all ready for you.

I don't want a steak

I want hamburger.

Oh, look at this.

Hearts of palm, from a

palm tree, can you believe it?

These are capers.

They come from Spain.

Try one.

Mmm, no, thank you.

Oh, come on.

It's an adventure.

But they're green

and yicky.

Please put all that food

back in the freezer.

I don't want

everything to thaw.

Capers, my ass.

I think it's time

we tried some caviar.

Now...

...caviar is one...

...of the finest

delicacies...

...in...

...the Western world.

It comes from Russia.

And we are about to become...

...the very first Ryans...

...to ever taste it.

-[Dick] What is it?

-Fish eggs.

Dick, Bub, Rog,

would you like to try it?

-No, I'll stick with coconut.

-No, thank you.

-Tuff?

-Um, no, thanks.

[sighs] Do you know

that U.S. Army research

has shown a relationship

between intelligence

-and a willingness

to eat unfamiliar foods?

-[laughs]

I just can't, Mom.

Oh, well.

More for me then.

[laughing] Mmm.

Oh, it's marvelous.

Mmm.

Mmm. Oh.

[laughing] Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my sweet goodness.

How is your supper?

Not very good.

Your shrimp cocktail

is in the fridge.

They say it's good if you

squeeze a little lemon on top.

Thank you, Mother.

Enjoy it, Dad.

All right,

what will we open next?

Anybody here like lobster?

[laughing] We'll try

a little of that.

And... what else do we have?

We have some

button mushrooms...

Kelly, come on over here.

Sit down with us.

Let's see,

what else do we have?

An artichoke heart,

want an artichoke heart?

-[Dick] Sure.

-[Evelyn] Very good.

Come on.

You can share my seat.

Sit down. Oh, yeah.

Look at those little,

little pickles.

Look at that.

Dad, you gotta try this.

It's amazing.

Oh, should I open

the sardines?

Who's gonna eat those?

-[Dick] I won't.

-All right, these are mine.

Let's see, what else

do we have here?

-Can I try this?

-Oh, do try it.

It's just delicious.

Put it on the

little cracker there.

-These are good.

-Aren't they good?

Are you sick

of candy yet, honey?

-No, I will never

be sick of candy.

-Not now.

-[Kelly] It's good.

-Yes, I know.

[Mike] Is that one mine?

[Tuff] What about these

little white things?

-Thanks, sweetheart.

-This stuff isn't too

cracked.

-Mom, it's yesterday's paper.

-Oh, throw that out.

[Evelyn] For the next

four years I would win

a steady stream of prizes

that would keep us

functioning, but never flush.

I won two ice buckets,

ten pairs of galoshes,

one sled, which arrived

just in time, I might add,

fifteen ice crushers,

a case of dog food,

a pair of Arthur Murray

dancing shoes,

a Brownie camera,

one free window installation,

an outboard motor,

eight pogo sticks,

a palm tree,

which promptly died,

a lifetime supply

of bird seed...

...and a pony,

which we had to sell

to pay the electric bill.

In the meantime,

my eldest, Lea Anne,

left home to go

to nursing school.

"Travel handsome,

travel light.

Travel always

with Samsonite."

And my sons,

Dick and Bub,

both got signed to play ball

with the Detroit Tigers.

How do you like that?

[sighs]

So far, three of my chicks

have found their wings

and I am so very

proud of them.

That is where

my prayers went.

That's where

they all went.

[television plays indistinct]

You know why they left?

We live in a hole.

A hole without a ladder.

I like Beech-Nut so much,

I'm going to help them

sponsor a contest.

With the folks out there,

they can win all kinds

of big prizes.

-Mom, do you want

your notebook?

-Yes, thank you, Tuff.

You want to know who

dug that hole? I did.

Holy moley. Are you

gonna eat that, Jerry?

Nope, but I'm

gonna sing about it.

And the folks out there

are gonna fill in the words.

-[music plays]

-Well, all right.

♪ It's my dum-dee-dum

-dee-dum ♪

♪ Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum

sandwich ♪

♪ Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum ♪

♪ Dum-dee-dum-dee-dum

sandwich ♪

♪ Hole in the ground ♪

♪ Don't make a

sound sandwich ♪

♪ My stuff it in the mouth ♪

♪ Chomp and swallow

south sandwich ♪

-That's a good one, Mom.

-You can have it.

I'm jerk and a dope and

I ain't got a hope sandwich.

♪ My back the daily truck ♪

♪ To the lips

and suck sandwich ♪

♪ I'm a moron and a mutt ♪

♪ And I made you

a nut sandwich ♪

Good one, Dad.

♪ I'm a chump in a slump ♪

♪ And I live

in a dump sandwich ♪

♪ My frisk the Frigidaire ♪

♪ Clean the cupboards

bare sandwich ♪

[giggles]

-Are you listening to me?

-Yes, I'm listening.

-You know what your

problem is?

-No, Dad, I don't.

You're too damn happy.

[everyone laughs]

Oh, Kelly, how do you

come up with these things?

I don't know. They just...

come to me, I guess.

That was really funny.

♪ Do do-do do-do ♪

♪ Do-do do ♪

-Hey, kids.

-Hi, Daddy.

-[Evelyn] You're home early.

-Ah. I don't feel so hot.

My head hurts.

Did they pay you

for the full day?

I don't know.

I didn't ask.

I just felt so lousy

I had to get out of there.

-[knock at door]

-[Ray] Milk delivery!

I'm glad you're here. I need

four dollars for the milk man.

What's he showing up

so late in the day for?

I don't know. What

difference does it make?

Well, what happened

to the money I gave you?

What do you think

happened to it?

I used it to pay the bills.

-[Ray] I'm leaving.

-I'll be right there.

We're out of milk, would you

please give me some money?

I don't have any.

Of course you don't.

It's all in those bottles.

I'm sorry. I'm going to

have to owe you this week.

-I'm sorry too, because I'm

not going to leave the milk.

-I always pay you back.

That's not the point, is it?

I'm not a rich man, but I

never owed anyone anything.

-Clearly, you're a

better person than I am.

-We're all in the same boat.

But I am not going

to do the paddling

while you sit back with

your hand in the water.

You're absolutely right.

But my children need milk.

Please don't

make them suffer

because I am delinquent

in my payments.

Please.

If you don't pay me

next week, that's it.

I'm cutting you off my route.

I understand.

Thank you.

That was pleasant.

Hey.

You think money

grows on trees?

I work my ass off

in that stinking

sweatshop all day long.

-You stay home

and do whatever you want.

-Do whatever I want?

Sit around writing in

your stupid notebooks.

Those notebooks are the

only reason this family

isn't living on the street.

Hey, do you want to

trade places with me?

[kids screaming] Mommy!

Oh, Jesus!

-[Mike] What was that?

-[Tuff] What happened?

[Kelly] Oh, Jesus!

She slipped.

-Daddy was yelling at her.

-What did you do to her?

It was an accident!

I wouldn't hurt your mother

in a million years!

-I think somebody

should get Mrs. Bidlack.

-We don't need her.

Get away from the glass.

Would somebody please

help me up?

Sweet Christ, Mother.

-Would somebody help me up?

-[Tuff] Betsy, stay back.

[both scream]

Kelly, for goodness sakes,

just move. Oh!

[grunting]

Hold on, Mother.

I'll take you to the hospital.

Just let me get my...

No, you are not!

You almost killed her!

I didn't do anything!

I swear to God!

I think it's best

if you just stay put.

Oh, my God!

My sweet God! What...?

Tuff, would you get a towel

so I don't make a mess

in Mrs. Bidlack's car.

-[Kelly] I'll get it, Mother.

-Where's my purse?

Would you like me

to call the police?

Oh, Rita. That won't

be necessary, thank you.

-Here, Mom.

-Honey, could you

hook it over my arm?

[Evelyn] Thank you.

-Here, Mother.

-Oh, for Pete's sake.

-What am I supposed

to do with that?

-Here.

Thank you. If you wouldn't

mind mopping up so it doesn't

warp the wood,

I'll go over

the rest of it later.

Children stay put, I'm taking

-your mother to the hospital.

-I'm all right.

-You know what the

worst part of it is?

-What?

-A quart of milk got

sucked up inside my girdle.

-Oh, my dear.

-[Betsy] Please

don't die, Mommy.

-It was an accident.

[man] Everything

all right in there?

The question is...

This is a

presidential election year.

If a qualified woman

were running for president,

how would you feel

about voting for her

and why.

[woman] If the men

candidates were qualified,

I feel I would

vote against her.

My reasons being that

women are very high-strung

and emotional people.

-They aren't knowledgeable...

-[door opens]

-[all kids] Mom!

-[Rita] Here we go,

special delivery.

-Oh, we missed you so much.

-Be careful of her.

Oh, I'm not that fragile.

Thank you for taking me.

-Any time.

-See, it's not so bad.

Hello, Mother.

How's it going?

Well, I got lucky.

Doctor said I was half an inch

away from severing a ligament.

Oh, see, kids.

Your mother's as good as new.

I have dinner all set,

here's a cup of tea.

Why don't you sit down

and take a load off?

Well, first thing I'd like to

do is take off this

wet girdle,

if you could help me,

I can't use my hands just yet.

OK. Go on, kids,

supper's on the table.

-Mom, are you OK?

-I'm fine, sweetheart.

'Course she's OK.

It's all right, boys.

Go ahead, get

something to eat.

I think what...

...hurt more than anything

was that dig you made

about my contesting.

[sighs]

You know, I couldn't

be prouder of you.

You know that?

It's just...

the thing is...

...guys at the shop...

Any time you

win something, it's...

"Oh, we know

who the breadwinner is."

-It ain't me.

-Goodness sakes.

They're just jealous.

Why do you even

listen to them?

All I want in this world

is to make you happy.

I don't need you

to make me happy.

I just need you to

leave me alone when I am.

[Evelyn] Spilled milk?

Don't cry.

Unless, of course,

it's hip high.

I don't cry over milk,

spilled or otherwise.

I just wish I had spilled

a smaller other size.

Spilled milk can't be poured,

if it's spreadin'

'cross the floor.

But no need

for tears or sorrow.

There's always more

to spill tomorrow.

[telephone rings]

[telephone rings]

[humming]

-Hello?

-[man] Hello.

I'm calling on behalf

of Beech-Nut Gum "Name

That Sandwich" contest.

May I speak to

Mr. Bruce Ryan?

Yes, hold on

one moment, please.

Bruce!

♪ My frisk the Frigidaire ♪

♪ Clean the cupboards

bare sandwich ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

[man] You have won a

Triumph TR3 sports car.

And an all expenses paid

weekend trip to New York City.

For you and

one of your parents.

-Can I bring my mom?

-You sure can, son.

♪ My frisk the Frigidaire ♪

♪ Clean the cupboards

bare sandwich ♪

Everyone move in a little.

Enjoy that car.

♪ My frisk the Frigidaire ♪

♪ Clean the cupboards

bare sandwich ♪

-♪ Di-ya, di-ya♪

-I think...

my church dress will do

for our dinner at Sardi's.

But for sightseeing,

I'm gonna need something

a little more casual.

Mom, there's a man

on the phone about Rog.

My goodness. Don't tell me

he won something too.

♪ My frisk the Frigidaire ♪

♪ Clean the cupboards

bare sandwich ♪

♪ Yum-yum yum-yum ♪

I only took a few dollars

from the lady's purse.

I put the wallet back

so she wouldn't miss

her driver's license

or nothing like that.

Stealing is stealing.

Don't you dare try to

justify it. Don't you dare!

Sorry, Mom.

Do we have to tell Dad?

You thieving little bastard!

-Get back here!

-Kelly! Kelly, stop!

Calm down.

He's a criminal and

I'm not going to let

him get away with it.

Kelly, come on...

Next time you step foot

in this house,

I'll teach you

a lesson you'll never forget!

Mommy, please,

please, please

don't go to

New York City.

-[sighs]

-[♪ Dee Carstensen:

"Wrap Your Troubles in Dreams"]

♪ Just remember ♪

♪ That sunshine ♪

♪ Always follows ♪

♪ The rain ♪

[sighs]

I'm sorry you didn't

get to go to New York.

Let's just get you

through this next week.

I talked to

a friend of mine.

He says the judge

gives guys like me a choice

between jail

and joining the Army.

The Army wouldn't be

too bad, would it?

No.

At least you'd learn

how to make your bed.

[sighs]

Mmm. I wonder what it would

be like to drive this thing.

-You want me to teach you?

-No.

Then I couldn't

bear to sell it.

-You want me to teach you

how to drive Dad's car?

-Better not.

Not enough gas in this

world, for all the

places I'd like to go.

Go inside and eat your dinner.

It's on the table.

♪ And dream

your troubles away ♪

♪ Just dream your troubles ♪

-♪ Away ♪

-[sighs]

Hi, Mr. Quigley.

Lady friend's writin' ya.

I don't have

a lady friend.

Give it time,

give it time.

-I'm gonna tickle you.

-Careful, it's slippery.

Mom, I think

this is for you.

Oh, thank you, Bruce.

[Dortha] Dear Bruce,

I saw your name on

the Beech-Nut win list.

Well, what do you know?

My daughter, Mary Kay,

who's also 16,

won second prize.

Gee, what clever kids

your mother and I have.

Watch it, watch it! Hey.

I live in Payne, Ohio,

just 85 miles away from you

and I'm part of a group

of contesting gals called

The Affadaisies.

This is probably

not of much interest

to a strapping,

teenage boy such as yourself,

but perhaps your mother

would like to join us.

-[crash]

-I don't care who did it,

just clean it up!

Well, gotta go before

the house comes down.

Hope we can hear

from one of you soon.

Sincerely, Dortha Schaefer.

P.S. Since they don't publish

the winning entries,

I'd love to know

what yours was.

Here's mine,

my daughter's, that is:

♪ My stack it thick

and quick ♪

♪ Snack until

I'm sick sandwich ♪

♪ Ooh-ahh ooh-ahh ♪

Dear Dortha,

I love your entry.

You have a true gift for

inner rhyme and alliteration.

I was particularly

impressed by your

cross-rhyming

of "stack" and "snack."

Here's my entry,

for what it's worth:

♪ My frisk the Frigidaire ♪

♪ Clean the cupboards

bare sandwich ♪

♪ Da-da da-da ♪

Dear Evelyn,

those judges judged right.

No wonder I came in second.

Talk about a gift for imagery.

You have it, gal.

And you must come to my house

for an Affadaisies meeting.

We've got the crème de la crème

of contesters.

Gladys Tierney,

she is smart as a whip

and won two cars

in the Stay-Puft

his and hers contest.

And then there's Betty Yearling

and Betty White.

Cooks extraordinaire.

Betty Y. is a Pillsbury

bake-off winner

with her famous

party pork barbeque.

And Betty W. won first place

in the Midwest

kitchen cook-off

with her double delight

strawberry toll cake.

And Emma Hartzler, who's won

three fridges and matching

stoves and a trip to Hawaii.

All from her iron lung.

"Kleenex is so handy,

I use it every day.

Cost so little,

helps so much,

just blow,

then throw away."

Now, listen,

Evelyn Ryan.

You are the most notable

of us all

and you must be

at my house two weeks from now

for the first Affadaisy meeting

of the spring. No excuses.

Now strap on those wings

and fly over here.

Do you remember that group of

contesters I told you about?

They've invited me

to their meeting.

-Ah. Where is it?

-Over in Payne.

-Payne's a long way.

-It's only 85 miles.

Yeah, but it

still takes gas.

I gotta drive to work,

drive you to the

grocery store,

drive the garbage

to the dump...

How much do you think I'm left

with at the end of the week?

In fact, I had to

enter a football pool

at the gas station just to

win myself some extra fuel.

-You're contesting?

-[sighs] Yeah.

-Why not?

-You need any hints?

I know how to do a pool.

Well, if you win,

you'd have enough gas

to drive me to Payne.

I can't just sit in the car

while you gab with a

bunch of jingle writers

and forget I'm even there.

My Saturdays

are precious to me.

Well, all right, Kelly.

I won't ask again.

[door shuts]

-[door shuts]

-[Kelly] That was my entry.

No, it wasn't. It was mine.

Mom, I won 25 gallons of gas

today in a football pool.

-You didn't win nothing.

That was my entry.

-I used Barb's name.

-Barb Ryan was

the one that won.

-That was my Barb Ryan.

-I had dibs

on her name first.

-Says who?

We made an agreement.

I got Barb, Tuff and Mike.

-I never said you

could use my name.

-Don't get smart.

-Did anybody write this down?

-No, it was a

gentlemen's agreement.

You'll have

to split the gas.

He didn't even know about

the contest until I...

What are you talking about?

I was the one who told you!

Split the gas, Kelly.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Bruce, I hope you

were telling the truth.

Honest to God, Mom,

Dad's just a sore loser.

All right, then.

I'd like to ask you a favor.

I want to go somewhere.

Would you drive me?

Sure, Mom. I'll take you

anywhere you want to go.

Thank you, Bruce.

Thank you.

There's tuna fish for

sandwiches and you'll find

coleslaw in the fridge.

-Kelly, what are you doing?

-Just checking the radiator.

Come on, Dad.

We're ready to go.

And if your father

decides to make his chili,

just make sure he

doesn't burn the pot.

Right. Yeah, I got it.

Plenty of water,

oil's fine.

Watch the clutch,

it's starting to slip.

-I know, Pop.

-Get your mother back

in one piece, you hear?

[engine starts]

Bye.

-Bye, bye.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Bye, Mom.

-Bye, sweetie.

-Have fun, Mommy.

-Thank you.

-Mommy, wait.

-What is it, Davey?

-I got a surprise for you.

You did? Show me.

Oh, honey.

Where did you get these?

They grow all over. I got

them from Mrs. Bidlack's yard,

in Mrs. Zitfeld's,

and Mrs. Zamone.

Cripes' sakes, what did

you go and do that for?

Ah, Jesus. Sorry, Mother.

I'm not good with that woman.

Uh...

-Bruce, turn off the motor.

-[Bruce] Oh, brother.

[woman] Oh, my God.

My sweet God.

-Did you see what your

boy did to my tulips?

-I am so sorry.

-Why would you do

something like that, why?

-He didn't know.

He's just a little boy.

Tell me what I can do

to make it better.

There is nothing you can do.

Do you know how long

I've waited

for those tulips to bud?

Tell me what they cost,

I'll reimburse you.

-$40 worth of bulbs.

-Mom, are we going or not?

No, honey, I'm afraid

the trip is off.

My gas is already

in Dad's car. How am I

going to get that out?

Tell him to use his half now

and you'll use

your half later.

Great.

I didn't know it was bad.

I thought they

were beautiful.

They are beautiful, Davey.

They truly are.

All right.

Let's go make amends.

Good boy.

Give it gas.

OK, put it in first

and try again.

[engine starts, belt squeals]

-[crash]

-[Kelly] Oh!

What are you doing?

-[Tuff] Stop yelling.

-I'm not yelling.

You're not listening.

[Dortha] Evelyn,

we are all thrilled

and elated to hear

that daughter Tuff

has learned to drive

and she'll be delivering

you to us, at last.

We've moved our meetings

to Emma's house

in Goshen, Indiana,

which is about 100 miles

from where you are.

Sorry, it's such a hike.

But our gal is eager

to show off

her new summer outfit.

Evelyn, I await

your arrival...

...with bated breath.

There's bologna for lunch.

If I'm not back in time

for dinner, heat up

some fish sticks,

and there's Jell-O

in the fridge.

-Yep.

-[Tuff] Mom, we should

probably get going.

All right, off we go.

-Watch you don't

overuse the brakes.

-You all ready told me, Dad.

-No speeding.

-Dad, this car

barely goes over 40.

-Don't get smart. I want your

mother back here in one piece.

-That's enough.

Miss you already.

-Bye, Mommy.

-Bye, Betsy.

-I love you.

-[engine starts]

Bye, Davey.

-Bye, Mom.

-Bye, Barb.

-You have fun.

-Be good.

Listen to your father.

-Be good.

-[kids] Bye, Mommy, bye.

Look out, Tuff.

Look out.

Bye.

Well, what do you

want to do now, kids? Hmm.

Defiance, a nice

place to leave.

[both laughing]

Honey, you can drive

a little faster now.

Oh, my goodness.

We've crossed

the state line.

-Doesn't look any different.

-[laughs]

The grass is much greener

on this side, Tuff.

It is much greener.

[chuckles]

Oh, boy.

You can relax, honey.

You're doing just fine.

Gonna be hot today. The girls

will have to wipe me off

the floor when we get there.

Yeah,

I'm starting to broil.

Doesn't feel

that hot outside.

-Do we have the heater on?

-No.

Let me put the fan on.

-[whirring]

-Ugh, that's even worse.

Turn it off.

[whirring continues]

Mom, I think the

car's overheated.

-[Evelyn] Holy Scott.

-Maybe we should pull over.

There should be a town

in a few miles. I'm sure

there's a gas station there.

I don't think we're

supposed to keep driving

when the engine's hot.

I-I-I say we keep going.

Car's gonna

be just fine.

[clunking]

[car sputtering]

-[Evelyn] Hello?

-Ma'am.

-Overheated, huh?

-Yes.

Fan belt's gone. When's the

last time you had it replaced?

Oh, I don't know.

It's my husband's car.

How long will it

take to fix?

Take at least an hour

for the radiator to cool down

enough for me to open it up.

After that, who knows.

Depends on what the damage is.

You might as well make

yourself at home.

Alrighty. Well, come on,

Tuff. I'll buy you a pop.

I'll bet Dad knew that

fan belt was rotten and

didn't replace it on purpose.

Oh, honey,

your father's careless

but he's not mean.

I'm sure he just

didn't bother to check.

Do you ever wish

you'd never married him?

My gosh, Tuff.

Do you?

-No, I don't have any

regrets.

-Come on, Mom.

You've been stuck

in a house for 20 years

cooking and cleaning and

taking care of a bunch

of crappy kids.

-Don't use that. Especially

in regards to yourself.

-Sorry.

But you could be living in a

city, writing for a newspaper,

having an interesting life.

I do have an

interesting life.

Your life stinks.

Gosh, Mom,

just look at today.

You finally get a chance

to go somewhere and the

lousy car breaks down.

-[laughs]

-It's not fair.

If I were you,

I'd be angry all the time.

Well, that wouldn't do me

any good now, would it?

For gosh sakes, Mom,

you're only human.

Oh, sweetheart.

[sighs]

Maybe I'm meant to make

it to the Affadaisies,

and maybe I'm not.

But right now,

I'm sitting here in the shade

having a conversation with my

wonderfully feisty daughter,

and I intend to enjoy

this moment to the fullest.

And I suggest,

for your own well-being,

that you do

the same, hmm?

[ladies screaming]

Dortha Schaefer,

is that really you?

Oh, honey,

get into these arms.

Virginia, there is an

Evelyn Ryan! Oh, look at you.

I can't believe it, hello!

Welcome,

for housework escaping!

Oh, God, it's so

good to see you.

Thank you so much for

delivering your mother to us.

-No problem.

-You have no idea

what this means to us.

Now, you come in, too. That

was a big, long drive for you.

-[Tuff] Sure was.

-[Dortha] New driver.

Congratulations.

Emma! Look who we found

outside on the curb.

We got a stray bird

back in the nest, girls.

Evelyn Ryan, as I live...

and breathe.

Emma Hartzler,

you are a vision.

She looks like a giant corn

on the cob, doesn't she?

-[laughter]

-[Evelyn] I finally

found my soul mates

with the Affadaisies.

They were the sharpest

group of gals I'd ever met.

We mostly talked shop,

and critiqued each

other's work.

-Evelyn, you get on

over here.

-Here I come.

-It's clever, but with

Pillsbury, rhyme doesn't pay.

-Only if it's in verse.

But inner rhyme is still

valid, don't you think?

Ooh... ooh.

If you spell Pillsbury

flour like the bud,

and not the baking kind,

then you've got a homophone

and don't...

need the rhyme.

Oh, love it!

-What's super potato salad?

-Pickle juice.

Brilliant.

What's the consensus

on hyphenated words

for 25 words or less?

Technically, it is one word.

Don't trust judges

to know that.

They count

a contraction as two words.

Oh, I'm in trouble.

I'll have to knock off

a couple of articles.

Why waste space on

an article, when you can

put in something zesty.

"After all," "the" and

"antidisestablishmentarianism"

are both one word, but which

one packs the bigger punch?

-[laughs]

-What?

Anti-what?

Did anyone else just hear that

word come out of her mouth?

This is why she

wins the big prizes.

Can you sing that? Let's

just hear what it sounds like.

[Evelyn] We debated whether

our days as contesters

were coming to an end.

[Gladys] Did you see this?

No skill involved?

No skill involved!

This is the death

of literacy, ladies.

[Betty] I don't want to hear

that. It'll never happen.

[ladies chattering]

This is the last

of the big contests.

Everybody snapped these up.

I got you the last one.

-Oh, Dortha, you keep it.

-Mmm-mm.

Honey, you've got more kids

at home, now you take that.

OK?

[Tuff] So, what do you have

to do for this one, Mom?

Oh, it's a one-liner. They

want you to finish a limerick.

"The time of your life

you can win

with Dr. Pepper

the flavor that's in.

It's distinctive and bright,

it's lively and light...

There's no time

like now to begin."

-Eh...

-Oh, leave me alone.

I'm just warming up.

-Evening, Rita, Nancy.

-Oh, it was a hot one today.

There was a wonderful

breeze over in Goshen.

Well, it was

a hot one here today.

[woman] Five minutes

to supper, sweetheart.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Who locked the door?

-Hey, you guys, let us in.

-Honey, let's go

around the back.

♪ Row row row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Throw your dad overboard

and listen to him scream ♪

-Mom's home!

-Hey.

What are you kids

doing outside?

Well, we went to

the movies this afternoon.

When we got back,

Dad locked us out

of the house.

He what?

Kelly!

Kelly!

Open the door!

-[bangs on door]

-Open the door.

-Where the hell have

you been?

-I told you, I might be late.

-Not this late.

-You locked your kids

out of the house?

Good grief, Kelly!

Tuff set the table, please.

You left at the

crack of dawn.

You don't come back

until it's almost dark.

What the hell were

you doing all this time?

I was gone for ten hours.

If you can't take care of your

kids for less than half a day,

then you might

as well leave this house.

You can goddamn

be the one to leave.

Get off of my mother!

[everyone screaming]

[groaning]

[Evelyn] "For picnic

or party, Jell-O's a boon.

Made by nine,

all set by noon.

The taste

and shimmer-shake appeal,

Jell-O jollies any meal."

[snickering]

Christ, Mother.

You've killed me.

Death by Jell-O

is highly unlikely.

And I want you to know,

I am not cleaning up

this mess.

Tuff, could you

get me some towels?

Not on your life.

She's not cleaning

up after you.

Now kids, go ahead and

watch TV while I make dinner.

-[kids laughing]

-Go on.

By the way, the fan belt

fell off the car

and that is why

we are so late.

Yeah, I was waiting

for that to happen.

What's this?

Steak.

I went shopping today.

I wanted to make a

nice dinner for the kids.

Why didn't you feed them?

I was crying and

didn't want them to see me.

Why on Earth

were you crying?

I thought you decided to

go away and never come back.

[sighs] For goodness sakes.

You know I'd never

leave the kids with you.

I got you something too.

It was supposed

to be a surprise.

It's in there.

Here you go, Mother.

I found it at a

secondhand store.

I paid a guy at

the shop to fix it up.

Oh, well, it is the

most beautiful thing

I have ever seen.

I thought it was about time

you had a proper desk.

How did you

pay for it?

Oh, don't you

worry about that.

Thank you, Kelly.

I...

I love you.

[breathes deeply]

[ringing]

-Hello?

-[man] Hello, Mrs. Ryan?

It's Cutter Murphy,

down here at Defiance

Home Saving and Loan.

Just, um, a friendly reminder

to, uh, let you know that

the second mortgage is

coming due on your house.

Mr. Murphy, we've never

taken out a second mortgage.

Oh, uh, yes you did.

Yes, uh, Mr. Ryan came

down here three years ago

and signed the papers.

How much do we owe?

Um... $4,000

due in, um...

due in 30 days.

See ya, fellas.

Hello, Mother. What

are you doing out here?

When were you gonna tell me

about the second mortgage?

It's due, huh?

I had a feeling that

day might be coming up.

Is there anything left?

I was gonna pay it back

without anyone ever

knowing about it.

Is there anything left, Kelly?

No... no, no.

It's all... gone.

They're gonna

repossess the house.

Do the kids know?

I told them as soon

as I got the call.

I didn't want them to

hear it from anybody else.

Are they angry with me?

Right now,

they're just scared.

Guess we could always

rent another place.

At least we wouldn't have to

worry about repairs anymore.

This is my house, Kelly.

My house.

I just...

...felt like a drowning man.

Never being able

to catch up...

I just wanted, for once,

to have a few extra

dollars in my pocket.

Well, that's water under

the bridge now, isn't it?

Where you going?

I have to make dinner.

Do you hate me, Mother?

I'm still in shock.

I'll have to let you know.

We need to talk

about what will happen

if we need

to leave this house.

We may not be able

to stay together.

What do you mean?

Aunt Lucy said she

could take Betsy and Dave.

You kids like

the farm, don't ya?

No, we don't.

Aw, what about that

old horse of theirs?

You love that horse.

I really don't.

-Where am I gonna go?

-Mrs. Bidlack

has an extra room.

There is no way in heck

I am staying with her.

You'll be right next door.

It'll be like living here.

No it won't. There'll

be another family here.

There will be someone

sleeping in my room!

-How's that steak, kids?

-Don't be rude,

answer your father.

[sniffling]

It's good, Daddy.

Well, last one, eat up.

[muffled voices]

[voices stop]

What are you kids doing?

We're praying that you

win something very big.

[sighs] All right.

Don't let me disturb you.

[all praying]

[Ray] Times are

hard again, huh?

Yes. Yes, they are.

I'll tell you what.

Um...

I'll leave you the milk,

you don't have to pay me

until next week.

Thank you, Ray.

-Thank you, so much.

-[phone rings]

I got a bag of laundry

in the truck,

it's just a couple of shirts,

you know, if you do

a good job,

I could even recommend you

to my customers.

-[phone ringing]

-I don't take in laundry.

Could somebody

please get that?

Hey, I'm just trying

to do you a favor, OK?

-Don't get uppity.

-I have enough for

two bottles of milk,

and that will

have to suffice.

[whispers] Mommy, it's

the detective from Toledo.

A detective? That's it.

There's nothing more

I can do for you.

Barb, count out the money

for the milkman, please.

More.

Hello?

-[man] Mrs. Evelyn Ryan?

-Yes, this is she.

I'm interviewing finalists

for the Dr. Pepper

"Time of Your Life" contest,

-Yes, of course.

-Will you be in

this afternoon?

[stammers] Yes, certainly.

-3:00?

-Oh, that'll be fine.

-We'll be here all day.

Do you have our address?

-Yes, I do. That's my job.

All right.

We'll see you then.

-I look forward to it.

-Thank you.

-What? What is it?

-Kelly!

-What's going on?

-Get out here!

-It's way too soon

to be excited,

-[toilet flushes]

-but I am a possible

winner...

-What is it, Mother?

Kelly, a detective is on

his way to Defiance right now.

I'm in the running for the

"Time of Your Life" contest.

-Is this a big one?

-It's very big.

We need to clean

this place up. Betsy,

Davey, pick up your toys.

Tuff, get all that

stuff off the table.

Mike... Dad give Mike

some money, send him to the

store for some Dr. Pepper.

-What for?

-We need to show the detective

we're using the product.

This is my last dollar.

what if we don't win?

-That's a problem

for another day.

-Go, Mike.

-Get it from the refrigerator,

we want to serve it cold.

-OK, Mom.

Tuff? Take all this stuff

and put it on the back porch.

Barbie, stop crying,

honey, and get me

a broom for goodness sake.

[gasping]

[man] Are you employed

outside the home?

Oh, goodness, no.

I have enough to do here.

And your husband,

what does he do?

He's a machinist.

Do you own or...

rent your home?

We own it.

One car

or a two car family?

One car. A Chevy.

-The one parked out front?

-Yes.

You need to put some

more air into those tires.

Oh? Oh!

OK, final question.

If you were stuck

on a desert island

and you only had

one beverage to drink...

...what would the beverage be?

Orange juice.

Orange juice?

To prevent scurvy.

But my beverage of choice

is Dr. Pepper, of course.

[laughs]

-Thanks for the honesty.

-A pleasure, Det. Feeney.

That's it. When the

final decision's made,

you'll be

notified immediately.

-And when might that be?

-Oh, two weeks to a month.

Oh, I see.

-Thank you for coming by.

-The pleasure's all mine.

-[sighs]

-[giggles] Orange juice.

What kind of crazy

answer was that?

I think your mother

did a heck of a job,

what do you think, kids?

What if we win

and it's too late?

What's with the doom and

gloom? We're halfway there.

Mom, will me and Davey

still have to go to the farm?

We don't know yet,

honey. It's something

we have to prepare for.

Don't listen to Mom.

She's just being modest.

None of those other entries

are as good as hers.

She's a shoo-in.

I'm not a shoo-in.

There could be 20 other

people up for this prize.

Don't worry, kids.

Everything is going to be OK.

No, it isn't.

Even if we do win, so what?

We'll be just as poor

as we were before

because of all the

money you stole from us.

I didn't steal anything!

I made an error

in judgment.

Heck of an error.

You all think this

isn't tearing me apart?

I did it to pay the bills.

I wanted you kids

to eat steak.

I wanted your mother to have

one decent piece of furniture,

that didn't look like

it came from a thrift store.

I don't care!

-I want our house back!

-It isn't gone yet!

So, have a little faith,

for Christ's sake.

OK, Tuff, now you've

upset your mother.

You OK, Mother?

If you don't win this one,

there'll always be another...

No, there won't.

In another year, there won't

be any of these contests left.

If we lose this house,

that's it.

I can't buy another house

with a three-dollar poetry

prize, now can I?

-You'll think of something.

-No. You think of something!

It's your turn, your turn

to make things right

because I'm out of ideas.

-Please don't fall apart.

-For God's sakes, Kelly,

I'm not a saint.

If you can't stand to

see me upset, then go away.

Let me do it in peace.

All right.

[shuts door]

[sobs]

Thanks.

Mom, there are

bugs in the soup.

-I have them too.

-Me too.

Those aren't bugs.

They're spices.

-They have legs.

-Don't be silly.

Spices don't have legs.

There are no bugs

in the soup.

Listen to

your mother, kids.

[telephone rings]

-Hello?

-[man] Hello.

Mrs. Kelly Ryan?

-Yes, yes, this is she.

-Congratulations.

You have won a free

offer from Bright Way Rug

and Upholstery Cleaners.

We will give you our special

living room discount.

Plus, we will clean one

area rug, absolutely free.

-[Barb crying]

-Hello, ma'am?

We're not interested,

thank you.

It's all right. Shh, shh, shh.

it's all right.

It's all right. Shh.

Mommy, what do

we do with this?

Just put it all on the

front porch. Thank you, girls.

Hey, Davey,

go outside with that.

[telephone rings]

-Hello?

-[man] Hello.

-Is this Mrs. Evelyn L. Ryan?

-This is she.

Mrs. Ryan, it's my

pleasure to inform you

that you are our

first-prize winner

in the Dr. Pepper

"Time of Your Life" contest.

Oh, my word.

You've won a trip

for two to Switzerland,

a Ford Mustang,

his and hers Longines watches

and cash in the

amount of $3,440,64.

Goodness, well...

...these prizes couldn't

come at a better time

for my large family.

-Kids!

-[laughing] I'm glad

to hear that, Mrs. Ryan.

-Come down here.

-You have every

reason to be proud.

Your entry beat

out 250,000 others.

Thank you for telling me that.

You've brightened

my day considerably.

Thank you, Mrs. Ryan.

Good day.

-We won!

-[everyone screams]

Mom, can we go

tell the neighbors?

You can tell

whoever you want!

Tuffy, it's OK.

Everything's going to be OK.

We're all going to be OK.

No, we aren't.

-For cripe's sake.

-You go on outside,

I'll take care of her.

Come on, let's go

tell everybody. Come on.

[giggling]

[Bruce] We won!

We won the big contest!

He's never going to change.

You're absolutely right.

He's not.

[sighs] Do you know

what that man said to me

on the phone just now?

No.

He said that I beat

250,000 other entries.

And do you

know what else?

It wasn't

even my best one.

Honey...

Honey, you have your

whole life in front of you,

and you can make of it

whatever you want.

You have a marvelous mind.

And a beautiful heart.

And you can

accomplish anything.

Everything is possible.

Do you know that?

[sighs, sniffles]

Forgive him, Tuff.

Forgive him so you

can embrace this...

...truly remarkable day.

I love you, Mom.

I love you.

♪ Bye-bye blue ♪

♪ Bye-bye blue ♪

♪ Bells ring ♪

♪ Birds sing ♪

♪ Sun is shining ♪

♪ No more pining ♪

[Evelyn] I never made

it to Switzerland.

Naturally, I cashed in the

trip to pay off the mortgage.

However, I did get

my chance to travel...

to Dallas, Texas where

Dr. Pepper made me

their own queen for a day.

-Oh.

-However, I was deeply

annoyed by the hat,

as my hair was flattened

for the rest of the day.

It was the first time I ate

a meal I didn't have to cook,

on a plate that I

didn't have to wash.

Or soaked in a tub that

I didn't have to scrub.

Or slept in a bed,

that I didn't have to make.

I never won another

major contest after that.

Nor did I ever travel

much beyond the

Ohio-Indiana state line.

[kids laughing]

Drive safely.

But I'm happy to report,

every one of my children

got the chance

to see the world beyond.

I saw them off

to California,

Colorado, Virginia,

Texas, Florida,

New York.

I've watched them

graduate college, play ball,

practice nursing,

practice law.

Bye, Mom.

-And yes, some of them

have even written books.

-[Kelly] Goodbye!

My husband, Kelly,

bless his soul,

found his peace, at last.

He left a legacy of

atonement that, frankly,

took my breath away.

He deposited his pension

checks in a secret account,

that he had opened

just for me.

I never had to worry about

earning another nickel again.

-Does anyone want these?

-You can have it.

[Evelyn] When it was my time

to take leave of this world,

all my chicks were

there to see me off.

It was a lovely day, indeed.

Tuff, you want to

take Mom's typewriter?

Yeah.

Oh, my goodness.

I believe this was

the last thing I ever wrote.

"Every time I pass the church,

I stop and make a visit.

So when I'm carried in

feet first,

God won't say,

'Who is it?'"

Well, it's not my best.

But the sentiment is right.

[♪ K.D. Lang: "I'm Sitting

on Top of the World"]

♪ I'm sitting ♪

♪ On top of the world ♪

♪ Just rolling along ♪

♪ Rolling along ♪

♪ I'm quitting ♪

♪ The blues of the world ♪

♪ Just singing a song ♪

♪ Singing a song ♪

♪ Glory hallelujah ♪

♪ I just called the parson ♪

♪ Said, "Hey, par,

get ready to call ♪

♪ 'Cause just

like Humpty Dumpty ♪

♪ I'm ready to fall" ♪

♪ I'm sitting ♪

♪ On top of the world ♪

♪ Just rolling along ♪

♪ Rolling along ♪

[chorus] ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Glory hallelujah ♪

♪ I just called the parson ♪

♪ Said, "Hey, par,

get ready to call ♪

♪ 'Cause just

like Humpty Dumpty ♪

♪ I'm ready to fall" ♪

♪ I'm sitting ♪

♪ On top of the world ♪

♪ Just rolling along ♪

♪ Rolling along ♪

♪ Just rolling along ♪

♪ Rolling along ♪

♪ Just rolling along ♪

♪ Rolling along ♪