Original subtitles

- What do you think?

- "Weekend special: Easter Bunny Stew."

Really? Rabbit stew for Easter?

You got any cute elves you can stir fry for Christmas?

- Man, I never thought of that.

- Hey, you got anything sweet for the road?

You guys still have those maple donuts?

- Uh, hold on. - Aw.

- Happy anniversary, you guys.

- You didn't need to do that.

- And since you had a double wedding, I only got one cake.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Man, I can't believe it's been a year, right?

- I know. Look at us.

You guys, I remember

when we were three pathetic single gals

willing to give up the goods anywhere, anytime,

just to snap up a man.

Sure, we'll pretend it was just me.

But now, I mean, here we are

happily coupled with terrific guys

who can't get enough of us.

- Seriously. - Right?

- Where do our guys get their energy?

[laughter]

- Oh, yeah. Let a girl breathe.

You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, yeah.

No, I'm not surprised. I figured Ben

for a "let's hydrate and do it again" kind of guy.

- Yeah. Yeah, me too.

But, you know, if we're being honest here,

you and me, I mean, no guy's as passionate

after a year as they were in the beginning.

- Uh, not in my house,

or in my car,

or in the bathroom at Costco.

I'll have a sample of that, please.

- Um...

OK, but come on, Dad and Louise?

- Louise is getting plenty.

That Jell-O is shakin'.

- I did not need to hear that for many reasons,

but mainly because that's not what's happening

with me and Ben. - Mm.

- The truth is that we've barely been intimate

since we moved into the new house.

- Oh, wow. Really?

'Cause I'd be jumping all over that hunk of yummy every day.

- Yeah, um...

it's not me.

- Oh.

Oh!

- Do you think there's something wrong

with the relationship?

- Um, only you would know that.

I mean, have you guys talked about it?

- Well, I tried once, but he just kind of joked around.

And I didn't want to push it 'cause I didn't want

to stigmatize him and make it worse.

- Yeah, but I mean, you can't not do anything.

You know, if your love life needs a jumpstart,

then as Lanford's leading life coach

and intimacy concierge,

uh...

I know some tricks.

- Jackie, gross. Stop.

Why can't you just be my aunt and talk to me like a friend?

- I mean, I think that'd be a waste

of six weeks of training.

[country music]

♪ ♪

- The Conners is recorded before a live studio audience.

- Just out of curiosity,

when did you all decide to have Easter here?

- Today.

Didn't you see it on the family text thread?

- Oh, that thing dings so many times a day,

it's hard to keep up.

- That was me.

I sent a ton of pics of Beverly Rose with the Easter bunny.

- You know, I'm happy to be on the family text chain,

but I'm on other threads

and my phone is buzzing all day long.

People probably think I'm a doctor,

or a drug dealer.

- Louise, nobody would believe you're a doctor.

[phone buzzing]

- Ooh, just got one from Mark. Said he's sad

he's gonna miss Grandpa's Easter egg hunt this year.

- Yeah, but he's stuck with Grandma Bev for Easter.

Nothing like celebrating the holidays

with the woman who remembers rolling away the stone.

- Well, more eggs for Beverly Rose.

And this Easter has got to be great.

- Oh, right, it's the first one she's with you

instead of her dad. - Yeah.

And I want her to go back and brag about how much fun she had

so his new wife can choke on it.

[phone buzzing]

- Um, Louise,

you know you just sent this to the whole family, right?

- What are you talking about?

- Wrong thread, Louise.

- Seriously?

"Becky is blowing up my phone with pictures.

"I love seeing Beverly Rose,

"but how about spending more time with your kid

"instead of posting a thousand pictures

to make it look like you're a good parent?"

- Oh, my God. Look, I'm so sorry.

I thought I was texting one of my old bandmates.

- Because you're going to write a song called "Crappy Mom"?

- Well, that was a terrible mistake.

But if you're gonna write a song like that,

my mom's given me tons of inspiration.

You have anything that rhymes with...

"narcissistic old bitch face"?

OK, I know you said you don't need my help with Ben,

but just hear me out.

I pulled some of my old life coach workbooks

on relationships.

Everything you need is right here.

Now, this is called the soul stare exercise.

You stand on opposite ends of the room.

And you slowly start walking towards each other

undressing one another with your eyes.

- Nope.

- Hey, I'm the one getting it regular.

I don't need this. You need me.

- All right, fine. - OK.

So stand over there.

You're here.

OK, you are...

Darlene.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

And I am Ben.

Now, remember we are both primitive sexual beings.

Ben is a lion. You're a lioness.

OK?

You ready to roar?

I want to feel you unbuttoning my shirt with your teeth.

- Maybe if you just move a little bit to the right,

I can go right out the door.

- Yeah, that's it. That's good.

You embrace that intensity.

Roar!

- What are you doing?

- I told you. It's the soul stare.

It's right--oh, God, this is Neville's.

This is how peacocks mate.

- OK, I'm going back online.

- Well, you finding anything in there?

- Well, I mean it's mostly advice written by men

on what to do if a man's sex drive

is stronger than a woman's.

- Well, you just change the pronouns and use the advice.

- Oh, sure, I'll tell Ben

that he looks great in his yoga pants.

And then I'll watch the kids

while he takes a bubble bath and reads "People."

- I mean, that could work.

Everybody wants to be complimented

and feel like they're not being taken for granted.

- Maybe. It also says here,

"Physical contact is not just for the bedroom.

"You're supposed to find time throughout the day

to reach out and touch each other."

- This is the stuff that keeps it fresh!

Where is Ben right now?

Right now?

- He's in the kitchen. He's fixing the sink.

- Oh, my God, this is where men feel the most like men.

I mean, it's sad, but that's how it is.

So get in there!

- Oh, God, I'm so not this person.

- No, you're the person that nobody wants to have sex with.

- You're not wrong.

Mmm.

Somebody's looking good under there.

- Who put eggshells in the garbage disposal?

- I don't know, but as I was saying,

mmm.

If the top half of what I'm seeing

looks as good as the bottom half...

- What are you mumbling about?

- Who's my big, strong lion?

[growls awkwardly]

- [groans]

Darlene, damn it.

You can't surprise me like that when I'm under the sink.

- Well, I was just complimenting you.

- God.

Well, thank you.

These are my best under-the-sink clothes.

- [giggles]

You're so funny.

- I got to go get some plumbers' tape

out of the garage.

- You want me to help you find it?

- No, I think I got it.

It's that little house we made for the cars.

- Do you think this will smooth things over with Becky?

- Nope.

I just got off the phone with her.

She said she doesn't want to deal with you on Easter.

And if you think you're seeing too much of her kid,

go to a movie for the day.

- What'd you tell her when she said that?

- I said "Louise is my wife.

If she's not here, I'm not here."

- And what did she say? - I don't know.

She hung up before I said that.

- This is crazy.

- Honey, you called her a bad mom.

She's real sensitive about that.

- I know that.

And I've texted her, like, a hundred apologies.

I went back, and I liked

every stupid photo of her kid sleeping.

I even wrote, "She's so good at being still."

- This obviously doesn't come easy for you,

but I appreciate you trying.

But I really want my granddaughter here for Easter.

[sensual lounge music playing]

♪ ♪

- Oh, wow.

Look at you being all energetic and weird.

- It's not weird.

I was just thinking we never dance anymore.

- Well, we never started because you hate it.

- I hate flossing,

but I do it.

Come on.

- Honey, I could watch you all night

and analyze you all the next day,

but I am trying to pay the bills here.

OK.

[sniffs]

Wow. Are you wearing perfume?

- I may have walked through a blast of Febreze.

- You know what? This is fun.

But there's not gonna be any music to dance to

if I don't pay the electric bill.

- Then we'll just dance in the dark.

Or do other things.

- Ooh.

Or maybe...

we can...

do it another time.

[turns off speaker]

- Yeah, we can, but we never do.

I mean, yesterday was our anniversary, you know,

and you were too busy then too.

I mean, do you realize that we've had sex one time

since we moved into this house?

- I haven't been counting.

- Well, it's easy. One.

The house is empty.

Why can't we just do it right now?

- Why does it have to be now?

You're making too much of this, OK?

Look, it's perfectly natural for sex in a marriage

to ebb and flow.

- Yeah, but while you're ebbing, I'm flowing.

I mean, I really want this. I danced for you.

You know how I feel about dancing.

It's for people who don't have the courage to stand still.

OK, look, if you don't want to do it right now,

then let's just schedule something.

- Oh, God, a schedule.

That's just so formal.

Can't we just let it happen naturally?

- Ben, pick a time.

We can't let the fire and passion

in our marriage die, right?

- OK.

9:00.

- What day?

- Now I have to pick a day?

- OK. Tomorrow night at 9:00.

- Fine.

- See? That wasn't formal.

It was nice and natural.

I'm gonna put it in my phone.

It'll show up in your calendar,

and you'll get an alert, like, two hours before.

- [clears throat] Hey, just so you know,

Ben and I have a sex date tonight.

- Oh, good. Where is he right now?

- He's doing inventory. - Wow.

How much equipment do you guys use?

- Happy Easter!

all: Happy Easter!

- This is amazing.

I love you guys.

Beverly Rose is never gonna forget this.

- That was the plan.

Happy Easter, honey!

Oh, and the Easter bunny hid eggs all over the yard.

- What are you doing here?

- I'm trying to make things right.

You wanted a great Easter for Beverly Rose,

so I'm making it happen.

- I'm leaving,

but I'm not going to ruin it for Beverly Rose.

Someone needs to drive her home.

- Oh, come on, Becky.

I'm trying to make a gesture here.

- Oh, look out the window as I'm leaving.

You'll see a gesture.

- Come on, Becky. Don't ruin the day.

Louise was up all night doing this.

- I don't care.

You know what?

You wanted to be here. Let's do this.

I was all for you marrying my dad,

but it turns out you're one of those people

who pretends to be nice but talks crap behind your back.

In this house, we insult each other to our faces.

- Damn, this is like "Real Housewives" without the money.

- OK, I think I've been pretty patient

hoping you two would work things out.

Becky, you said this family

says everything to each other's faces?

- That's right. - Yeah.

Well, here are some texts I've received recently.

This one is from Aunt Jackie.

"If Louise talks about life on the road one more time,

"I'm gonna grab her by her cheap dyed hair

"and kick her up and down the street.

Then she'll be back on the road."

- I don't think you should be talking

about anybody's hair, Fantastic Sam.

- You can't take that stuff seriously.

- Here's another from a child who shall remain nameless.

[coughs] Harris.

"Has Aunt Jackie ever actually been institutionalized?

Because I got a bet going with Mark and Mary."

- It was a game. - We were just playing

"Which Conners Have Been Institutionalized?"

- [laughs] - What are you laughing at?

- Because I'm the only one here

who hasn't been as fake as the rest of you.

- Really? Well, how about this?

Just last week, in the middle of your shift at The Lunch Box,

you said, and I quote-- OK, here it is--

"You have no idea what a nightmare it is

to work with these two menopausal Muppets."

- Hey! - Hey!

- OK.

I think I made my point.

We've all had days where we're stressed out,

or pissed, or just having a lousy day.

Before these things,

you badmouthed a friend to a friend.

And that was the end of it.

Now you write it down, you send it out,

and it's out there forever.

It ain't natural.

- Look, I just want the whole family to get along

and enjoy a holiday.

I did something stupid. Can't we just get over it?

- Let's all agree we're sorry for what we said,

wipe the slate clean,

and delete the Conner text chain.

- That's right. Sorry, everybody.

- Sorry, you guys. - Hit delete.

- I do have one last thing to ask.

Was Aunt Jackie ever institutionalized?

- Darlene, hey.

I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna be late.

I know, but I can't help it.

The sprinkler pipe burst.

Your dad's going up on the roof to fix it.

I'm getting inventory out of the way of the leaks.

I, uh--I really don't know what time I'll be home.

Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry too.

OK.

[door opens]

Well, what are you doing up?

You should have gone to bed, hon.

I'm sorry tonight got messed up.

- Just stop.

I know you're lying.

I'm not even mad. I'm just embarrassed.

- What are you talking about?

- My dad was here when you called,

but nice touch with the wet shirt.

- Well, I find when you're lying to your wife

about not having sex,

the details are important.

- I've been stood up before,

but I never thought it would be by my husband.

- I'm so sorry.

- Why the hell don't you want to have sex with me?

- Oh, no.

Yes, I do.

I always do.

When we first started, I had my own magazine.

I was writing.

I felt really great about myself.

- What, and you don't now?

- It's just different.

Now I'm hardware store guy and wear a vest.

And I'm stepdad guy.

And I have a million responsibilities.

And... [sighs]

I just don't feel,

you know.

- No, I don't know.

You don't feel what?

- I don't feel sexy right now.

- What are you talking about?

Honey, you're beautiful.

- Oh, you don't mean that.

I didn't even have a chance to fix my face.

- Look. Come on, Ben.

You've taken all the crap

that me and my family have thrown at you,

and you are still standing.

I mean, I think that is crazy hot.

- I love that you feel that way.

I mean, I don't know what turns you on

about stressed-out dad bod, but I'll take it.

I just don't want to disappoint you, you know?

And you kept pushing me.

And then I guess the scheduling sex

just kind of pushed me over the edge.

- OK.

Why don't we shelve sex for the time being?

We're still gonna make a schedule.

But no pressure. It's just to hang out.

And then you will tell me when you're ready.

- And look, eventually, I will come to terms

with the fact that I'm not cool anymore.

And it's gonna happen sooner than later.

- Good.

And if I'm on my deathbed, just, you know,

throw me one so I don't wait for nothing.

- You guys doing OK?

[turns off TV]

- I've been racking my brain

trying to figure out why you wrote that.

Do you resent me because I have a kid and you never had one?

- Oh, I don't resent you, Becky.

And my stupid remark had nothing to do

with me having a kid or not having a kid.

I had a lousy mom.

And if anything, I could jealous of the fact

that Beverly Rose has a mom that loves her so much

she wants everyone else to know.

You're a great mom with a great kid

that I'm tired of deleting photos of.

You see, I have an iPhone 4,

and it's clogging it up.

I am one photo away

from not being able to make a phone call.

- You could give Apple another $1.99 a month.

- Over my dead body.

- [whispering] Don't say that.

They can hear you.

- [giggles]