Original subtitles

Jackie, where the hell have you been?

I had to ask Mark to come in and help me wait on tables.

And what's this?

I'll tell you where I've been.

I was at Thai Palace yesterday.

They had a lottery machine that has a drawing

every four minutes.

There was a line of people out the door

waiting to eat and gamble.

What were you doing over there?

I thought they had a restraining order against you.

That's the schnitzel place.

It's just a warning at Thai Palace.

So, anyway, I was looking for a place to get a machine,

and turns out the closest is Ohio.

So, I filled up the tank, bought a bucket of chicken,

put on a diaper, and, uh, took a little trip.

Okay, uh, I guess it'll draw people when football is over,

but how do winners get paid?

Well, the small wins I pay out of the till,

and then for the big payouts,

they get a diaper and directions to Ohio.

Hey, Ms. Glen. What are you doing here?

I'm picking up my lunch.

Believe it or not, Mark, music teachers do not fold up

and go into the cabinet at the end of the day.

We eat, we sleep,

and after a day of listening to my students play,

I also drink.

Let me get your order.

Please make sure this order is perfect.

It's for my music teacher.

She also picks who gets into the chamber orchestra,

and I just found out that I'm competing

for the one contrabassoon seat

with another student who just transferred.

Don't worry.

I've always been great with teachers.

I'll go sweet talk her.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Ms. Glen, right?

Yeah.

I have heard so much about you.

Mark speaks very highly of you.

Does he?

I'm surprised, because I'm really not that nice.

A lot of teachers try to make friends with their students,

but then it's hard when you have to crush their dreams.

Would you like extra ketchup packets?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Supply chain problems.

Packet shortage.

If she wants extra ketchup,

then she's welcome to squirt some into a napkin.

Jackie Harris. Oh, my God.

Holland Glen.

Mark, remember I told you I was a rifle twirler

for the color guard?

Well, Holland marched right next to me.

She was the drum major.

Well, now, isn't this fun?

Hey, Ms. Glen.

So you two know each other?

Yes, we do.

Hey, Jackie, why don't you throw in a slice of apple pie

on the house for your old friend, Ms. Glen, huh?

That's not a bribe because Mark's trying

to get into the chamber seat, is it?

What? [ Chuckles ] Of course not.

That's ridiculous.

We're out of pie.

Would you like a no-strings-attached

piece of cake instead?

No, thank you.

I-I-I don't want to be beholden to Jackie Harris for anything.

She hit me in the head with her rifle.

That-- That was a very unfortunate accident.

No. It was because you were

an attention-deprived so-and-so,

always trying to show me up.

I'm spinning my drum, twirling my sticks,

and you tried to outdo me by flipping your rifle

20 feet in the air.

Not true!

True, true, true!

And then you missed it when it came down.

It grazed my head, bounced off my drum,

and took out the flag girl!

She was an exchange student from Uruguay.

Damn near set off a civil war in the Model UN.

Look, look, it was... [ Sighs ]

It was a very breezy day,

the rifle got caught up in the wind.

I still write to Josefina.

She's forgotten all about it.

That's 'cause you gave her a concussion!

Has anyone ever met a member of the Conner family

and liked them?

It was the wind!

You and your stupid rifle.

Mark has been practicing the contrabassoon

for a year and half to get a seat on the orchestra,

and we have had to endure that horrible racket

day in and day out.

It's a very difficult instrument.

You play it beautifully.

Look, I just hope she doesn't hold it against Mark

that she's upset with you.

He needs that seat on his transcript

to have any shot at a music scholarship.

Okay. Yeah, this is our only chance

to be able to afford a good college.

Okay!

How was I supposed to know that something I did

40 years ago was gonna bite Mark in the ass?

Because the Conners are the founding fathers

of generational failure.

Some Conner way back when discovered the wheel

and traded it in for the first beer.

- Captions by VITAC--

♪

Carrying this thing is killing me.

Ugh!

Uh, it might seem like a pain lugging that thing around,

but you're never gonna get that chiseled

summer contrabassoon bod unless you put in the work.

Ben, you're coming to the recital, too?

Of course I am.

He's, uh, never heard you play with other musicians,

and this is your last performance

before Ms. Glen chooses the orchestra.

We gotta cheer you on. Yeah.

This is a big deal.

You're playing the post office bicentennial.

We're celebrating 200 years of stealing indigenous land

and turning it into a delivery system

for aluminum siding coupons.

Yes, but they are making amends

by giving everyone who attends

a small book of forever stamps

honoring the life and times of the "Peanuts" characters.

[ Chuckles ]

I am such a Lucy.

Hm.

I'm more of a Peppermint Patty guy.

She wears sandals in winter.

Love that.

Hey, uh, listen, I'm feeling a little better,

so I can pick Beverly Rose up from school

and watch her tonight, if you want.

Aww, that's very sweet.

But I've decided to stop burdening the family.

I'm gonna bite the bullet and hire a babysitter.

They're just so damn expensive now.

They're like 10 bucks an hour.

What happened to the days where you just got paid

in Twinkies and rides home with a hot dad?

Maybe you'll hit the jackpot on the new lottery machine

at The Lunch Box.

I played and I won 20 bucks.

I don't know. You need money to gamble.

Yeah, well, you never know.

This guy at the tattoo shop

spent 50 bucks on a game like that,

and he won 10 grand.

Really? Yeah.

He got calf implants and forearm implants,

and now he plays Popeye on Hollywood Boulevard.

Dreams do come true, even if they're stupid and weird.

♪

[ Sighs ] There are no refreshments,

and I forgot my emergency Slim Jims.

Thank you.

Oh, unless that's a menu, I'll pass.

Let's find Mark's name in the program.

Yeah.

Oh, look, here's that other contrabassoon kid,

Aiden Stokes.

Mark is great.

Why would they even need two contrabassoon players?

Well, it's like baseball.

That guy's just a backup.

If Mark blows too hard and pulls his groin,

that other kid will take the field.

[ Sighs ]

Well, thank you all for being here.

The Lanford High music students are very proud to help celebrate

the bicentennial anniversary of this post office

with a program of classical favorites.

Favorites are so played out.

I know most of you are here

to collect the latest "Peanuts" stamps.

You know, Gershwin had to wait 50 years to get his.

Let's give another one to the bald, depressed cartoon kid

who's not even real!

[ Laughs ]

Enough about that.

Now, could the 10 musicians that I've selected

for today's performance please come in?

Like all of their fellow music students

who are here today, these 10 young people

are in contention for this year's

Lanford High chamber orchestra.

Where's Mark?

[ Orchestra tuning ]

The restaurant's all closed up.

Here's your phone. Oh, yeah.

Thanks. Sorry.

I-I could've sworn I left it here.

You know, without my phone as a distraction,

I had a chance to...

just sit here and think.

Really?

What were you thinking about?

How much I miss my phone.

It's almost 9:00. What took you so long?

I was cleaning up, and I wanted to do a thorough job.

[ Laughs ] Oh, well, there's a red flag right there.

You weren't playing that lottery machine, were you?

'Cause you were on that thing all day.

Hey! I was not on that thing all day.

Sometimes I was on my phone, I was studying,

I was daydreaming.

It's hard to avoid work with the customers

constantly nagging you. Alright, alright.

Just as long as you don't get carried away

playing the thing.

Those machines are for suckers--

I mean our valued customers.

How was the recital? Darlene: [ Sighs ]

Well, we watched somebody else's kid

play the contrabassoon for two-and-a-half hours.

Ms. Glen pulled Mark.

Oh, darn.

Well, I gotta go.

No, you're not going anywhere.

Hey, Mark, can you come down?

I can't believe there was another contrabassoon player.

I didn't know there were more losers stupid enough

to want to play that instrument.

Mark!

Is this important?

I'm busy practicing.

Now that the other kid's the frontrunner,

I gotta audition to get my seat back.

No, that-- that's not enough.

We've gotta do some damage control.

I stayed after, and I talked to your teacher,

and I convinced her to come for dinner on Tuesday night.

Oh, God. Why?

Because, before she makes her final decision,

I think she needs to know that we are all dedicated

to your classical music aspirations.

And Aunt Jackie's gotta apologize to her.

Oh, God.

Okay. I'll do it.

But you know how many people get hit in the head with a gun

and don't get an apology?

A lot.

Wait.

Wait, we're gonna say this family

is dedicated to classical music?

It-- It won't hurt for her to think we're a family

that appreciates the finer things.

And what exactly is gonna do that?

The crystal chandeliers,

the-- the gold leafing on our dinner plates,

or Billy the Singing Bass over the fireplace?

O-- Okay. Alright.

I-I-I have to say something.

Anytime this family tries to maintain

that they have any class at all, Billy Bass takes a hit.

All he does is sing, wiggle his tail a little bit.

Suddenly, he's the poster fish for stupid?

I'm sorry, no!

He makes me feel good, and I love him!

♪

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

[ Machine thumps ]

Damn it.

Lost again.

Okay.

I'm done.

Okay, one more.

[ Door shuts ]

Aah!

Godfrey Daniel!

[ Laughs ] It's midnight.

What are you still doing here?

Actually, uh, I couldn't remember

whether I locked the front door, so I ran over here.

Um, I was just about to leave.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm still having trouble sleeping,

so I told Jackie I'd come in and clean out the air ducts.

Ah, you haven't kicked the insomnia, huh?

Oh, no. I've been up watching infomercials all night.

I got excited about a needlepoint kit,

and I took that as a warning sign.

Hey! Is that a lottery machine?

I saw one of those over at the Thai Palace.

Don't tell your aunt I was there.

Yeah, Jackie saw it, too, and she got one for here.

Mm, you been playing?

Oh, my God, no.

These things are for suckers.

Must have been our last customer.

He also ordered the fish soup.

Some people are just gamblers.

So, how long are you gonna be here?

I'll be up in the crawl space for about an hour.

Um, I got some stuff to do.

I could wait for you.

Are you sure?

Shouldn't you get some sleep?

I had statistics class today. I got some sleep.

Let's have a milkshake when I'm done.

Oh, sounds good.

Come on, come on, come on.

[ Knocking on door ] Oh, she's here.

Let me answer it.

Please, everyone, try to be casual.

Just pretend to be a nice, ordinary family

that had a genetic anomaly and produced me.

Hi, Ms. Glen. Please, come in.

Alright, thank you. [ Ominous orchestral music blares ]

Ooh! Interesting choice.

[ Volume lowers ]

You're not planning on murdering me, are you?

[ Laughs ]

No.

No, that's just the kind of music

I like to listen to

when I unwind at the end of the day.

Oh. [ Chuckles ] I assume you work in a slaughterhouse?

Honestly, our-- our mother, God rest her soul,

encouraged us to believe

that you don't have to be rich to have refined taste.

Oh, that's very true.

And because of that,

I'm raising my child to have an open mind

and not make fun of people who like classical music,

'cause let's face it, it's just too easy.

Is it?

Come over here. Let's find out.

No, thank you. I will be in the kitchen now.

Oh, my. Look at that.

You've got the singing fish! [ Chuckles ]

Does it also have refined taste,

or does it stick to "Take Me to the River"?

You know, Becky had a great idea.

Why don't we all go sit in the kitchen?

Oh. [ Sighs ]

You're here.

Uh, I just wanted a chance to clear the air with you.

Why don't we just leave the air where it is?

Oh, please.

I just think that it's important that, uh, I let you know

that maybe I did twirl my rifle a little higher that day.

It's because I was jealous of you, Holland.

I was invisible.

You were everybody's favorite.

The cool drummer girl.

You were Karen Carpenter.

I get that a lot.

So, um, just wanted you to know that I'm really very sorry.

Thank you.

So what?

You were insecure in high school.

We all were.

But I didn't hit anybody with a gun.

I take it all back.

Jackie!

Well, don't worry.

Jackie isn't what's gonna affect my decision about Mark.

But you people trying to impress me

that you know anything about the music I love isn't helping.

Okay, you're right.

Maybe we're trying a little bit too hard.

But we really do love classical music.

Come on, you're gonna stick with that?

Okay.

Which do you like better--

Beethoven's 11th symphony or his 12th?

Now, Mark, you know what my favorite is,

so don't say anything.

I think there's only nine.

Ben, don't make us look stupid.

I mean, 11. Yeah.

Totally. Yeah, that's what I was gonna say, 11. Yeah.

Yeah. We're all 11-heads in this house.

It's unusual, because...

like Slaughterhouse Joe over here,

I've only heard nine.

Well, you gotta listen to 11.

He really outdid himself.

There is no 11th.

There are only nine.

Well, the one I heard must've been a bootleg.

Okay, ass-kissing period is over.

Just tell me what's really going on.

Okay, fine.

Look, chamber orchestra is the only way

that Mark has a chance at getting a scholarship

that could get him into a good college,

and we really need that.

Okay.

Here's the deal.

Mark, I let Aiden play the recital

because I know what you can do,

but I needed to hear him under pressure.

The orchestra seat is gonna come down

to who gives the best audition.

Thank you, and goodnight.

Are you sure you don't want something to eat?

We can pack you a bag.

No, thanks. I think I'm just gonna stop

at the Thai Palace on the way home.

I love that place.

Whoa.

♪

♪

Hey.

Hey!

Uh, are you still working on the air ducts?

'Cause I just came-- Save it.

I heard you took off right after dinner,

and I had a feeling this is where you were going.

Oh. [ Scoffs ] I'm a grown woman.

I don't have to stay after dinner.

I moved out of your house when I was 47.

I'm on my own now.

So, where do I look for the losing lottery tickets?

In the trash can? In your purse?

How you wanna do this?

Oh, come on, Dad.

This isn't a big deal.

I'm just trying to get a little financial independence

from the family.

How much are you down?

A couple bucks.

I'm gonna ask you one more time.

I'm down a paycheck.

Damn it, Becky.

Other people can do this.

They can lose and then walk away, but you can't.

You've got a history of starting things you can't stop.

Now, it's great that you don't want to rely on us,

but you're gonna rely on us a lot more

if you lose all your money.

Uh, this one kind of snuck up on me.

I guess I just got hooked on the hope

that I could make a couple big hits

and-- and finally get ahead.

You think you can work here with this thing?

I don't know.

I don't think Jackie's gonna want to get rid of it.

Yeah.

It's a shame it got stolen.

[ Playing "Ode to Joy" ]

♪

You've grown a lot.

I know. I've had a freakish growth spurt this year,

and I'm worried it's never gonna end

and they're gonna have to build

a special house for me and then...

I'm not talking about that.

Aiden Stokes is not better than you.

Thank you.

But you're not better than him.

You're equally proficient.

But I'm giving the seat to Aiden.

Why?

Y-You said yourself he's not better than me,

and I-I was here first.

Yes. But for him, it's about his love of the instrument.

Music is his life.

You're a smart young man

who just needs to get to college,

and you found a loophole

you thought you could squeeze through.

I'm not in the loophole business.

But-- But I need to get to college.

Now you're just-- you're just taking away my whole future.

I'm not taking away your future.

I'm giving Aiden the one he deserves.

I am underfunded, underappreciated,

but I am determined to give dedicated young musicians

a chance they are not gonna get anywhere else.

You? You're gonna figure this out.

I've never seen a kid as smart as you not find a way.

Thanks.

If I knew I was gonna get screwed,

I would have done all this with a piccolo.

♪

[ Door opens ]

Oh, there he is.

Okay, so, how'd it go?

The way we hoped it would.

Aiden didn't stand a chance.

I got the seat. Way to go!

Oh! Thank God!

Yes!

So, when is the first concert?

Muffy and Biff will simply be dying to know at the club.

No concerts right now.

I'll let you know when.

Uh, okay, 'cause you know the Conners

are gonna be there front row.

I'll make sure everybody wears shoes.

Hey, you know what? I'm gonna go tell Ben.

You just lied to Mom, didn't you?

I-I couldn't tell her.

She's got so much on her plate right now,

I don't want her worrying about how to pay for college too.

Man, I-I really thought this was the way

I was gonna get into a four-year university.

Now I gotta figure out something else.

But you better figure something out,

because it's gonna be pretty obvious

you didn't get into college

when we pack up your shower caddy and your mattress pad

and drop you off in a field somewhere.

What do you think? I'm almost done.

"I'm not a hot mess. I'm a spicy disaster."

It's you! [ Laughs ]

How's yours coming?

"I'd rather be gambling."

I think you're missing the point of this exercise.

[ Laughs ]

I'm also working on this bigger one.

"I tried to be normal once.

Worst two minutes of my life."

You know what's great about that?

It'd be a perfect gift for anyone in this family.

[ Laughs ]