All language subtitles for The.Conners.S05E16.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-MIXED.en

♪♪

Mary: This time, just tell me
when I'm at the bottom step.

[ Sighs ] The swelling's
almost gone.

You're fine.

I'd love to help you guys,
but, you know, pregnant.

We should make that phrase
a drinking game.

The drinking game is
how she ended up pregnant

in the first place.

I'm having a real
"circle of life" moment here.

You get pregnant,
you can't support yourself,

you move back in
with your mom.

We don't have
many traditions,

but the ones we have
are magical.

Hey, Harris,

I still have
Beverly Rose's

old baby clothes
and crib.

Do you want them?

Mm, no, thanks.

I'll pass
on the hand-me-downs.

I'd rather start
with all new things

that my kid can make their
own childhood memories with.

Sorry, we really
can't afford

for your kid
to have their own memories.

Beverly Rose's memories
are still perfectly good,

and you can use those until
your child grows out of them.

There's years of generational
trauma in those clothes.

Come on, Harris.

Money's really tight
right now,

'cause I don't start work
for a few weeks.

And besides, Beverly Rose's
stuff is way better

than anything you had.

Oh, yeah.
Your bassinet?

That was one of your grandpa's
old Hickory Farms baskets.

It worked okay,
but it was hard to hug you,

'cause you smelled
like summer sausage.

It's okay. I'll just buy stuff
with my own money.

Hey, look who's here!
There she is!

I'm back.Welcome home, baby!

Yay!

I'll get this.

Mm.No, no, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Those are mine.Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I was just in the rhythm
of grab-and-move.

I almost packed up
Darlene earlier.

Yeah, Becky bet me
five bucks

that I couldn't fit
in a suitcase.

And I could.Ah.

Aww, finding new things to shove
Darlene in, and I missed it.

Yeah, well,
you're home for good.

We'll have plenty of time
for her shenanigans.

Oh, really?

You're all done touring?Yeah.

Your dad and I talked,
and I'm done.

Yep. The rest of her life
will be spent with only me.

Mm.

Geez, Dan, you make it sound
like a life sentence.

You've seen how I eat.
How long could it be?

Oh, hey, Harris.

How are you feeling?

Uh, I'm a little uncomfortable,
but it's all good.

I'm moving back in
with my mommy,

and she's gonna make me
mac and cheese from the box.

So, you and Darlene
living together again --

that's nice.

Look, I hope everything works
out exactly the way you want

and not the way
we all expect.

Hey, we are
different now.

We respect each other,

and Harris is a very
responsible person.

When she runs off to Florida
and dumps the kid on me,

I know she'll still
FaceTime on the weekends.

What?
Like, every weekend?

Ugh, I'm the only one
doing any work around here.

♪♪

Don't worry, Dan.

I get that there's been
so much going on here,

you couldn't plan anything
special for my homecoming.

I did plan something.

I just thought you were
coming home tomorrow.

I told you I was coming home
on our anniversary.

I assumed you meant
the anniversary

of the day
after our wedding --

the day it really hit me
how perfect you are.

I'll allow it.

Do we really have
to go out there?

Why don't we just spend
the whole day and night in bed

and lock everybody
out of our world?

Oh, I've never spent 24
consecutive hours in bed before.

I better not try it.

Why not?

Well, the same reason
I don't try heroin.

I might like it
too much.

Seriously, Dan,
I need this.

I have been gone so long,
and I missed you so much.

Oh, I missed you,
too, baby,

but I really should help
with the move.

I mean, granted, we got Mary
to do most of the heavy lifting,

but when she stands up now,
she's starting to say, "Oy!"

She's got plenty
of help out there.

And besides, I, uh --

I can't believe
I'm gonna say this,

but I think it's okay if we bend
the rules and, uh, eat in bed.

That's heroin to my ears.

I'm in.

Wow, I didn't even
mention sex yet.

Well, I don't know what's coming
first, the food or the sex,

but I'm gonna be on my back,
watching TV for all of it.

♪♪

♪♪

--Captions by VITAC--

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

Louise: Oh,
that was so good.

Dan: Oh, I haven't
finished, Louise.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.

You're just so slow.

I've already had four.

[ Groans ]

You know,
with this waterbed,

it's kind of like
surf and turf.

[ Laughs ]

Fancy.

But, really,
what's the plan after this?

Well, since we've just
finished the marathon

of the
"Jurassic Park" films,

why don't we start
on the James Bond movies?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I watched them all
while you were gone,

except for the ones
with Roger Moore.

He's got the manners
of a good butler

and the animal savagery
of a good butler.

I know.

Let's watch the
"Fast and Furious" movies.

No one in those
has any manners.

[ Chuckles ]

Time to leave the room.

Nope.

We're going on
two days in here.

What's up?

A lot.

Would you care to be
more specific?

Fine.
[ Exhales deeply ]

When I was out on the road
with my mom,

she wanted to stay out there
past the end of the tour

because what was I in such
a hurry to get back for?

And I said "Dan and..."

I couldn't think of anything
after the "and." [ Sighs ]

I'm just happy
I made the list.

And in first position,
I may add.

You got plenty of time to figure
out what comes after the "and."

You just got back.
[ Sighs ]

I thought about it for weeks
on the road after she said it.

Really, Dan, I have no idea
what's out there for me

on the other side
of that door.

Well, you're never gonna know
until you stop hiding.

No, I can't do it.

I-I-I-I don't want to.

[ Sighs ] I've been
a musician all my life.

Music saved me
when I was a teenager

going in a bad
direction,

and touring with a band
is all I really know.

I've always known
where I was going,

and now I don't.

I need a purpose, Dan.

[ Mariachi band playing ]

♪♪

It's the guys that used
to play at Casita Bonita.

I told you I thought you were
coming home today.

Mariachi Performer:
♪ Welcome home, Louise

♪ Dan's gonna give you

♪ A squeeze

I wrote that.

Thank you, Dan.
That was so sweet.

You know,
they're expecting us.

We really should
go down there.

Uh, not gonna happen.Are you sure?

They're playing at a mattress
store opening right after this.

If you want a picture,
we really should get down there.

Sorry, fellas.
She won't come out.

She doesn't
have a purpose.

Dan.

Well, I didn't want them to
think it was anything they did.

♪♪

Oh, well, you're not gonna be
needing this for a while.

I know.

No smoking, no drinking,
no bouncy houses,

and no caffeine,
which sucks.

No caffeine?
That's a new one.

When I was pregnant,
I was so tired,

I, like, tripled
my caffeine.

Maybe that's why you just
popped out and ran all the way

down the hallway
to the nursery.

No, that was because I was
looking for a nice,

rich family
to go home with.

So, uh, what else have you
learned about pregnancy?

Um, I did read
that there are some women

who don't experience
any pain in labor.

Uh, yeah.
Meth heads and liars.

The best way
I can describe it

is it's like pulling your upper
lip over the top of your head.

Oh, but still, like,
a beautiful experience.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, laugh now, while you
still can without peeing.

Am I hearing
laughter in here?

Are you spying on us?

I was just
hanging nearby,

in case you two
needed a referee.

When you guys are alone,
it turns into "Squid Games"

pretty quickly.

We're fine.

Just a mother and daughter

bonding over the horrors
of childbirth.

It's not always horrible.

I barely felt it.

That doesn't count.

Beverly Rose
was a preemie.

Mark weighed more at birth
than I did when I got married.

I could use that bong
right now.

My stomach really hurts.

It's like bad cramps.

Did they just start?

No.

I mean, I felt a little
something the last few days,

but not like this.

Um, well, yeah,
it's probably nothing,

but why don't we just take
a quick trip to the doctor,

just to be sure?

Okay.

♪♪

It's been a while since
they left for the doctor.

Yeah, I know.

But they'll be home soon,

and then we'll find out
what's going on.

So, Mark should be home
from his school trip tomorrow.

And, uh, we're supposed
to have his new bedroom

set up by then.

He's gonna love going from
a private bedroom

to a room that has
a table cloth for a wall.

Well, at least
there's a big window

where strangers can look
in on him from the road.

I'll just take all his books
to the garage for now.

Oy.

Hey, everything okay?

Uh, let me get Harris
settled up in her room

and I'll be
right back down.

No, we can tell her.

Yeah, I had a miscarriage.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

I mean, I wasn't
planning to have a baby

before I got pregnant.

And even though
I decided to keep it,

I guess I should be
kind of relieved, right?

You can be,
that's a normal reaction.

Hey, just, uh, don't tell
Grandpa and Louise yet.

She just got home,
they're spending time together.

I don't want to mess that up.

Do you need anything?

No. It's all good.

It's also okay
if it's not all good.

[ Exhales ]
No, I'm -- I'm fine.

And, hey, now I'll go back to
my regular life, right?

Well, look, that's a healthy way
to look at it.

I mean, maybe this all
worked out for the best.

Right.
Yeah, I know.

Of course youwould
think that.

You didn't want me to have
the baby to begin with.

So I bet you're
reallyrelieved.

No, that's not at all --

I'm tired.
I'm gonna lie down.

Hey, it --

I don't know
if this helps,

but no matter how mad
Harris is at you right now,

wait till Mark sees you
moved him into a window seat.

No,
that doesn't help.

That's why I said,
I don't know.

I'm gonna empty the bone bucket
and feed the chickens.

Wanna go?

Uh, no, I-I'm good
right here.

How 'bout
we take a stroll

through the living room,
see the sights.

I hear it's lovely
this time of day.

You're not listening
to me, Dan.

I can't do it.

I-I just can't
go out there.

Well, maybe you're
overthinking this, honey.

Retirement's not supposed
to be this complicated.

It's you spending time
with the one you love.

That's a pretty good life.

[ Smooches ]

Look, you know
I love being with you.

Even the little things --
counting out your pills,

doing mole checks.

It's not enough.

I don't know how to be
more that I am.

Oh, come on, Dan.

You know what I mean.

Oh, I doknow
what you mean.

You're saying very clearly
that I'm not enough for you.

[ Sighs ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

It is so hard
getting out of that bed.

You know, people our age
have tubs they can walk into

and chairs that lift them
into a standing position.

Why the hell
do we have a waterbed?

Because I thought
it would be fun for us,

but I guess I have no idea
about what you want.

Oh, so --
so now you're insulted?

Because I just want
a little more in my life?

Yeah, I guess I am.

You been home
less than two days

and you're already thinking
about what you can do

besides spend time with me.

Okay. Great.

Let's make it
about you now.

No, it's very obviously
not about me.

You know who wants
to be with me?

My chickens.

When I rain corn on them,
they look at me like a god.

What are you doing?

I'm going back to live
with Grandpa.

I'll be back for the rest
of my stuff tomorrow.

Wait, you're leaving?

Is this because I said that
your life might be better

without a baby right now?

Because you said you could
go back to your normal life,

and then I was just
agreeing with you.

[ Laughs sarcastically ]
You are so full of crap.

You said that because
that's how you really feel.

And this whole thing
makes you feel better.

No, that's not true,
Harris.

Come on, let's just
talk about it.

No, I'm done talking.

I can't live here
looking at you every day

knowing how happy you are
that I didn't have the baby.

Bye.

[ Door slams ]

♪♪

♪♪

Hey.
Hey.

I talked to Harris.

Poor kid.

That's a hell of a thing
for her to go through.

I know.

She up in her room?

Yeah.

I asked her if
she needed anything,

and she just
wanted to rest.

Hmm.

Well, she forgot
some of her meds

and I'm gonna make her
some mac and cheese.

Uh, would you mind
bringing this up to her?

What the hell happened
over at your place?

How come you don't want
to bring it to her?

[ Sighs ]
We're a mess right now.

She thinks I'm happy
about what happened to her.

And I tried to talk to her
about it,

but I guess it just
made it worse.

[ Sighs ]
Well...

then stop talking.

She needs to be mad
at something or someone,

and right now,
that's you.

So, take her her pills
and her mac and cheese

and just sit there.

You really think
that'll help?

Yes, I do.

Can I bring my phone
so I've got something to do?

You might be surprised
at what she has to say

if you just
stop talking.

Alright, I'll try.

Hey, wait, what are you doing
in the garage?

I got a really gross text
from Louise

saying you guys were gonna spend
the next couple days in bed.

I blocked her in case
she was gonna send pictures.

You wanna know
the truth?

I don't follow
my own advice.

I was talking when
I should have been listening.

Well, I don't know what you did,
but go in there and undo it

'cause we need Louise.

She's the only of us
that's strong enough

to pull you
out of a bathtub.

I know.

That's why I'm out here

trying to figure out
how to undo it.

I made it about me.

And a little bit
about the chickens.

That's how you know
you've lost an argument,

when you start talking
about chickens.

♪♪

[ Tires screeching ]

[ Crash ]

How come I get a ticket

every time I roll
through a stop sign,

but this guy can fly
over a school bus,

and there's not a cop
around anywhere?

You don't get it.

This time it's personal.

Uh, I've been thinking,
and -- and you're right.

It's not about me.

I know women hate it when
men try to come up with fixes,

so here's 33 fixes, because I'm
an incredibly slow learner.

"Potential purposes
for Louise's new life."

Oh, Dan,
this is really sweet.

But how does learning
to pole dance

help me to feel fulfilled?

Well, that'll keep you busy

when you're not
craft-brewing beer.

Re-- Keep reading.

Uh,
"Lingerie model/pie maker."

Well, uh,
just skip that one.

Oh, now -- now,
these show some promise.

"Writing jingles for local
businesses, teaching guitar,

playing a piano near
the fountain at the mall."

Yeah, I could wear
something tight

and lay across the piano.

You know,
it's interesting.

I-I have thought
about teaching,

but never
at a halfway house.

Maybe music could make
a difference

in someone else's life.

Yeah, just writing
that one down

made me feel
like a better person.

So I did good, huh?

Yes.
Good boy.

Arf! Treat, please.

[ Smooches ]

Now, can we maybe think about
getting out of this room?

Yeah.

I mean, I'm not completely sure
what my new purpose is,

but I know
what it is for today.

[ Grunts ] We --

[ Grunts ] Geez.

We...are going
bed shopping,

and -- and not
at that mattress store

with the mariachi band.

I-I don't think
I can face those guys.

Hi.

[ Scoffs ]
What do you want?

I made you
some mac and cheese.

There's, uh,
two powder packets in here,

'cause you're not
driving, right?

I really don't want to hear
anything you have to say.

Well, here's the deal.

I'm not gonna
say anything.

Oh, good.
Then you can leave.

I am gonna say
one thing.

[ Scoffs ]
Knew it.

Look, no matter
what you think,

I would never, ever

want you to go through
something like this.

There is not one bit of this
that makes me happy.

I mean, that was gonna be
my grandkid.

It's hard for me to think
about you being so relieved

that I wasn't
gonna have the baby.

I'm having all these
crazy feelings,

even though I wasn't planning
to have a baby.

Well, yeah, I mean, you were
just starting to wrap your head

around keeping it and getting
excited about being a mom,

and then, suddenly,
that's taken away.

Well, I mean, that's got
to be hard and confusing.

I know. I-I let myself
connect with it,

and now that's gone.

And the minute
I start to think

maybe it'll be
easier this way,

I-I feel so guilty.

I know I, like,
could have eaten better

and rested more --

No, no, no.
Don't do that.

It's not your fault,
okay?

This is so common.

Remember what
the doctor said?

It's like 20%.

But just the fact that you feel
like you didn't do enough

means that, one day,
you're gonna be a great mom.

Alright?

Now, it's gonna
come in waves,

and when it does,
you can talk,

and I will listen.

Thanks.

You're not gonna hold me
the whole time, are you?

Well, not the wholetime,
but until you fall asleep,

and then another
hour or two...

unless I fall asleep,
then for the night.

I don't know what's
more suffocating --

your love or this
dense-looking mac and cheese.

I wasgoing to ask
if you wanted to come back

to the house
and live with me again.

Really?

Yeah, but it's too late.

A half hour
after you left,

I turned your room
into a scrapbooking space.

[ Scoffs ]
Scrapbooking?

What part of our lives
do you want to remember?

Uh, so after you
choke that down,

how about we go home?

I'd like that.

Yeah, besides, you're gonna
spend enough time in this room

when you come back after you get
knocked up by the next drifter.

Was it too soon?

♪♪

Can't we just move
our new bed in?

The waterbed was our first bed
as man and wife,

and I think it's important
to commemorate

this new chapter
in our lives.

[ Sighs ] Alright.

Well, seems a little
much to me,

but if you want
to do it, okay.

Okay, we're ready!

[ Mariachi band playing ]

♪♪

[ Mariachi performer
singing in Spanish ]

♪♪