Original subtitles

♪

Wow. Oatmeal. Good for you.

Yeah.

It's a healthy delivery system for all the sugar, butter,

and cream I need to start my day off right.

That's weird.

Robin wants to know how my job interviews are going

since old man Wellman

stopped giving me bad references last week.

Apparently, he's too busy being deposed

for polluting the groundwater.

Well, that's great.

Should make it easier for you to get a job.

Yes, except I'm still getting shot down in my interviews,

which means it's not Wellman.

It's got to be something else.

And I gotta figure this out quick

'cause I've got a job interview later today

and we're running out of money.

You never know what's going on with interviewers.

You could look like the guy's ex-wife.

You could be talking, and he's sitting there thinking,

"I worshipped you, but you took a bath with the gardener."

Also, you're older and a woman.

It's a full-on double hit.

Yeah, or people are just intimidated by smart women.

They just don't come out and tell you that.

Tell me about it. Try being smart and having boobs.

Yeah. I used to just be smart.

Hey, Darlene.

You free to pick up Beverly Rose today after school?

Yeah. Unfortunately, I don't have

any food deliveries lined up.

Hey, if I drop her at your door

still hot and properly wrapped, can I get a tip?

You know, if you need cash, I could use some help

at the store this week while Ben's out of town.

Wow. Really? That would be great.

You're hired!

You realize, of course, I can't pay you as much

because you're a smart old woman and you intimidate me.

And you know that I could substitute a laxative

for any one of your pills and you wouldn't know.

Not right away.

♪

Becky, refill on table three.

Becky: Okay.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Oh. What's up?

Oh. Oh.

It's Beverly Rose's teacher. She wants to see me right away.

Beverly Rose okay?

Yeah, she's acting out again.

I've been so busy with school and work,

I haven't been spending any time with her.

Well, you know, kids are resilient.

Isn't that what you're supposed to say when you neglect them?

[ Chuckles ] I don't neglect her.

I'd love to be around her enough to neglect her.

Ohh! Ow!

Ooh! My God! Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm not hurt. Yeah.

Good. Good. 'Cause you can't sue.

Everybody enters this restaurant at their own risk!

It says so right on the menu.

You know, I almost wish that I was hurt.

Then I could at least have some time off.

Yeah. Well... Wait.

What about workman's comp?

What are you talking about?

You pay for workman's comp, but you never use it.

This way, I could take two paid weeks off,

prepare for my finals,

and spend more time with Beverly Rose!

Becky, I don't know.

Oh, please, Jackie.

I can't afford it otherwise.

Well, I don't-- I guess I'd be a little shorthanded,

but maybe we could make it work.

Thank you. [ Chuckles ]

Could you help me up?

Yeah.

[ Grunts ] Aaah!

Y'all saw that, right?!

♪

- Captions by VITAC--

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

I personally think that candy

is the most important meal of the day,

and I can prove that statement with my dental records.

Heh. All dentures. [ Chuckles ]

Anyway, I think this interview went very well,

and I am definitely keeping you

under consideration for this position.

Ahh. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you very much.

Thanks for stopping by.

Excuse me?

Uh, thanks for stopping by.

Oh, okay. "Thanks for stopping by"

is basically code for saying, "We're never gonna hire you."

[ Squeakily ] Oh, no!

That is abso-- absolutely not true.

I just thought it was very sweet

that you decided to stop by.

Now, you take care of yourself.

Wait. "Take care of yourself"?

That's even worse than "Thanks for stopping by."

They sound pleasant enough.

Okay. Look.

This is my fourth rejection in two weeks,

and, you know, I need work.

You could really help me by just being honest

and telling me why you won't hire me.

Ooh. I never said I wasn't gonna hire you.

I said I was keeping you under consideration.

And that's very good.

Who would like a caramel chew for the ride home?

I don't need a parting gift.

I need a job.

[ Chuckles ] I would hire you,

but I've still got to talk to the guys upstairs.

It's a one-story building.

You are like a funny Terrier.

I meant the people above me.

But who's above you? It's Fudderman's Candy.

You're Fudderman.

You're forcing me to be blunt here, Darlene.

I didn't want to come out and say this, but I will.

You may or may not get a job here.

Okay. Wait. So you're saying that there actually--

There is a chance that you would hire me.

More than a chance. A possibility.

♪

Hey. You ready to go?

This Red Robin Groupon is burnin' a hole in my pocket.

I'm still watching Beverly Rose.

I'm just waiting for Harris to take over.

Oh. Okay.

So, how was work today? Not good.

Becky slipped and fell, so she's out for two weeks.

Oh, my gosh! Is she hurt bad?

Nah, she's just faking it to get a couple of weeks

out of workman's comp so she can catch up on some personal stuff.

But it's a pain in the ass! [ Sighs ]

Yeah, and it's also insurance fraud.

No, no, I'm just taking advantage of an insurance policy

that I never use.

[ Scoffs ] Okay.

Workman's comp isn't a savings account

that you can just dip into whenever you feel like it.

If Becky gets caught, you both could get a huge fine

and maybe even jail time.

Oh, come on!

I'm sure people do it all the time.

Look. I've dealt with this at the animal clinic.

If you're faking it,

they can pull your insurance, shut you down,

and pretty soon you're selling irregular jeans

out of your trunk in a stadium parking lot.

[ Gasps ] I gotta talk to Becky before she files that claim.

If I get shut down, it's not gonna be for workman's comp!

It's gonna be by the Feds

for serving USBA certified beef.

O-Okay. I don't think you should be--

You heard nothing!

♪

[ Bell jingles ]

Welcome to Olinsky's.

How'd yesterday's interviews go?

Bad. Another man intimidated by an intelligent woman.

Well, that sucks.

Candy?

Uh, don't.

[ Bell jingles ]

Hi. How can we help you?

Well, I'm turning my basement into a she-shed

and I need something to hang a couple of paintings

that I made during Merlot-Paint night.

More merlot than paint, if you know what I mean.

I don't, so I'm gonna turn you over

to our she-shed expert, Darlene.

Alright. Um...

Well, I have to admit I have never had a she-shed,

but I can certainly get you a few hooks for your paintings.

You gotta get a she-shed.

It's like a man cave, but you can express your inner goddess.

Got it.

Um, but are you really a goddess

if you can only express it in one room of the house?

[ Chuckles ]

Okay. Uh, so, how-- how heavy are these paintings?

Oh. I don't know.

They're about yea-by-yea.

Okay, so, obviously you're not

the goddess of weights and measures.

Oh. Um...

So, these hold anything up to 30 pounds.

I'm sure they'll be fine.

Oh, great.

But there's three. I only need two.

Why would I pay for three?

Um, because they're only $1.19

and you can save the extra one for the next time

you need to drink and paint

to rationalize why you're so proud of having your own shed.

Is there a problem?

Maybe I should just shop somewhere else.

Oh, no! Then we'll lose out on a whole dollar!

I'm sorry. Could I be of some assistance here?

I don't think so. Thank you.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, man.

God.

I'm gonna say something I hope you find constructive.

Your professional demeanor

is somewhat combative and condescending.

No, I was just being honest

and I was trying to be funny instead of just saying,

"You're annoying and stupid, lady."

Okay. Are you being "honest" and "funny" in your interviews?

Yes. That's my thing. Why?

Well, maybe your "thing" is keeping you unemployed.

No, everything you read about going on interviews

says to just be yourself.

That's assuming "yourself" is pleasant.

Hey, I have been working really hard

on being a positive person.

You can use positive words, but if the energy underneath

is "put up your dukes," you're gonna put people off.

You know, what you see as me "putting up my dukes"

is just me speaking my mind and being forthright.

You know what? At least my next interviewer is a woman,

and so she'll respect that,

and I'm sure it will go a lot better.

I'm sorry I called you condescending and combative.

I should have said petite and delusional.

Men like you are the reason

women paint, drink, and live in sheds.

[ Air rushes ]

So, Darlene, here at DriveAmerica Tire,

we like to do things a little different.

How do you feel about getting your hands dirty?

I am not averse to getting a little terra firma

under these fingernails if it helps the company

achieve the fullest realization of its mission statement.

You're smart. I like that.

Yeah, you do.

But our customers don't. They like plain talk.

And I'm gonna be plain with you.

I'm looking at your résumé,

and I like that you worked in plastic for two years.

Um, my only concern is that before that,

you were a writer and you went to "art school."

Well, that's why I'm looking for a job.

Because I went to art school.

Ha! Yeah, well, I can assure you--

nobody around here went to art school.

Okay, yeah, but having a creative side

doesn't mean I wouldn't be a good hire.

I mean, I grew up working class,

and I didn't start in management at Wellman.

I started on the line, and eventually I moved up.

Well, now we're working in the plus column!

But we don't call it moving "up."

We call it moving "over" to management.

Because here, nobody's better than anybody else.

Okay. But not everybody makes the same pay, right?

Because I worked my ass off to excel in management,

and so I think I deserve more than somebody who didn't.

Yeah, well, there's no reason to get defensive about it,

but, I mean, if this is all about the money for you, then--

No, I'm here because I love tires.

Of course it's about the money!

I-I gotta feed my kids.

I'm not jumping through all these hoops

so I can make less than I did.

Okay. You're getting a little worked up here, Darlene.

Well, no, I'm only responding this way

because of the crazy thing you said

about "moving over" instead of "moving up."

[ Chuckles ]

I think it's time you see yourself out.

Oh. Really?

Are you sure you don't mean see myself "under" or "around"?

'Cause I'm not sure anybody understands directions

around here.

Yeah. You know what?

I-I can see where maybe

I got a little combative and condescending there.

That's totally my bad.

So, um... may we start again?

[ Chuckles ] Thanks for stopping by.

Yeah. That-- That sounds about right.

♪

[ British accent ] Here comes Tiny Tim!

God bless us, everyone!

Here you go. Look. I know I said it was okay,

but we can't go through with this workman's comp claim.

I could lose my insurance and go to jail.

I can't go to jail.

They'd pass me around like a cheap pack of cigarettes!

But you own the business.

You're the only person who would complain.

No, the insurance companies

seriously check these things out.

It's not worth the risk.

My kid and my future aren't worth the risk?

Fine. Guess I better be getting back to work, then.

Look! I'm healed! It's a miracle!

It's a crime. What do you want me to do?

Oh. No, no. I'm okay.

I don't need a career or a daughter who loves me.

I'm content

just giving this gentleman a refill on his coffee.

He's drinking tea!

Well, he's gettin' coffee!

Okay.

You were right. I am putting people off with my attitude.

God bless you for finally telling her.

I told you. You gotta change what you're doing.

How? I've got a job interview tomorrow.

What am I supposed to do-- not be myself?

You or me?

Let me start.

Mom, be as fake as possible!

What? I have spent my entire life

telling you kids, "Don't be ashamed of who you are.

Don't change for anybody."

You don't know how many times I had to grab a beer

with some knucklehead just to get a drywall contract

and tell him his wife looked like Farrah Fawcett

when she looked more like an actual faucet.

Well, I don't know how you did that.

I did it because I needed the job

more than I needed to be honest.

Alright. Fine.

Who's having coffee here?

None of us.

Well, you are now.

♪

Darlene, you're a very strong match

for the job we're offering.

Bless your heart.

Let me tell you a little about The Chicago Can Company.

We work hard here, but the key to our success is we work fun!

For example, Fridays, we do improv games for team building!

Yes, and...

I love improv!

The only thing I love more than improv is magic!

Oh. Well, then you are going to love our Magic Mondays.

What's that behind your ear?

Oh! A 25% increase in productivity?

[ Laughs ] Oh, that is so clever!

Yeah.

Uh, with all this fun,

I can't believe you get any work done.

Well, if we have to work weekends

to ensure we have enough fun during the week, we do it!

So, any questions for us?

I don't think so.

I mean, the salary is amazing. The benefits are fantastic.

I certainly come from a family

where cans are a big part of our diet.

Darlene, you're a perfect fit.

Oh, great. So when-- when can I start?

Well, we're working this Saturday,

so you may as well jump right in.

But I warn you-- we haze the newbies.

I hope you like really long hugs.

[ Both laugh ]

Finally the human connection I've been craving!

Alright. I'll see you Saturday.

Okay.

Um, I'm sorry.

Can we start again? You have not really met me.

What do you mean?

Uh, this is not me.

This is me.

Oh.

Did something tragic happen the day they took your picture?

Nope.

I'm, uh-- I'm not a smiler.

Yeah, and I'm-- I'm not fun.

But I could be a great asset to this company

and increase productivity.

Honestly, I think your people would be much happier

and work harder sacrificing the magic shows

if they didn't have to work on the weekends.

Wow. It took a lot of courage to say that.

But, "Thanks for stopping by," right?

Well, clearly, the job we're talking about

isn't right for you.

Yeah. I understand. Thank you for your time.

Wait.

But I do have a managerial position

that starts next month in accounts receivable.

I need someone who can be ruthless

and no-holds-barred in collecting money.

Really?! Oh, my God!

I've been on the other end of those phone calls for years!

I've been waiting for my turn! Yes!

[ Laughs ]

♪

Uh, hey, Beck?

I'm the one who told Jackie

a fraudulent insurance claim was a bad idea.

She was willing to do it,

so if you want to be mad at somebody, be mad at me.

I needed some help from my family, Neville.

Is that too much to ask?

Not at all, but you seem to ask a lot from them

and you do it frequently.

Everybody in this family does that!

Darlene moved back home just like I did.

I-- I get the family dynamic,

but you're now living with Darlene,

everyone helps with Beverly Rose,

your aunt gave you a job, and now you're upset

because she won't help you commit a felony?

I do stuff for her.

The other day, I opened The Lunch Box at 6:00 a. m.--

by myself!

That's because you had class at 7:00 a. m.

and wanted breakfast!

And when Jackie got here,

you were gone, the door was wide open,

and there was a guy sleeping in the kitchen!

Fine. I screwed up.

But I'm overwhelmed.

I have a kid and I'm going to school,

and I'm doing it all sober.

Becky, my late brother had a lot of substance problems, too,

so I learned a lot about codependency,

and it's not just substances.

You can become overly dependent

on just about anything, and that includes family.

You know, when you make me realize I'm wrong so nicely,

it's harder to imagine you being eaten

by one of your big snakes.

Thank you, sweetie. Okay.

I'll see you at home. Okay.

Hey, Jackie?

Um, I really do appreciate

everything that you've done for me.

Thank you.

It was stupid to ask you to do something illegal.

Well, I just couldn't risk losing the business.

It's my life. I know that.

And I made the mistake of telling Dudley Do-Right.

I love the guy, but he's such a straight arrow.

He even took away my price gun

that I like to take to T. J. Maxx.

♪

Hey.

I don't know how you got in here,

but I'm not gonna join your church.

I did it.

I became somebody completely different,

and I got the job.

Congratulations!

And then I lost it because I couldn't imagine

being that person every day for the rest of my life.

That tracks.

However, then I got another job

because they need somebody in accounts receivable

who is combative and condescending.

That also tracks.

So... I stopped and bought this to celebrate.

Champagne.

Ooh! Beer's high-falutin' French cousin!

So how are you feeling?

I feel good.

Yeah, like I was tested,

and I was totally ready to throw out everything I am

to take care of my family, and then...

I don't know. I just felt like I was lying to somebody.

And when I told the truth,

it paid off and I got a job anyway.

So what you've learned is there's room for combative

and condescending people in this world, too.

Hey, at least I'm not a liar.

Well, no, of course I lie all the time, but...

not to this guy and not today,

and that's what counts.

Live for the moment, right?

Cheers.

Zut alors. Zut alors!

- Uh, apple pie, please. - Slice of apple.

Ahh! [ Chuckles ] I only have one piece left.

Oh. You take it.

Thank you, but it is yours, I insist.

That is so kind, but I can't enjoy it

with you sitting there wanting it.

[ Chuckles ] Aren't you an angel.

But, nope, I have cleared it from my mind.

Well, we're gonna have more pie tomorrow,

so see if you two can "polite it out" by then.

What a bitch.