Original subtitles

♪♪

Wow. Fried chicken and donuts for breakfast.

Did your heart say something that pissed you off?

Why are you always sticking up for my heart?

My tastebuds could use some support, too.

Uh, with Louise on the road and your sister

over at her friend's most of the time,

I'm like the kid from "Home Alone,"

if he guzzled beer and mainlined bacon.

Louise's plant in the bathroom is already dead

because I'm not around.

If you turn all brown and shrivel up,

she's gonna be super mad at me.

I can take care of myself, thank you.

And to what do we owe the honor of your presence?

I'm giving Harris a ride to work, and along the way,

she's gonna help me with my paper on teenage alcoholism.

You know, Mark, I started drinking when I was 14,

and I'm a little hurt that you turned to an amateur for help.

I'm sorry, there are just so many people in this family

who drank as children --

it was an embarrassment of riches.

[ Knock on door ] Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Perfect timing. That's for me.

I got Bev a caregiver off Craigslist. Oh.

I gave her your address

'cause I don't want sketchy people like that

knowing where I live.

Eileen, hi. Hi.

Oh, it's so nice to finally meet you in person.

I'm Jackie. Hi.

This is my brother-in-law, Dan. Hello.

Come on in. Why don't you have a seat? Thank you.

Um, so...

[ Chuckling ] Well...

how was the first day with Mom?

[ Breathes sharply ] Look, I-I-I'm not a nurse,

and I just make extra cash, uh, babysitting seniors.

My wife does that for free. [ Laughs ]

But she gets to live in splendor.

A-And some of them have memory problems,

but this wasn't just a confused old woman.

This was a targeted attack on my deepest insecurities.

Oh, my God, she commented on your hair.

No. The lazy eye?

Maybe --

Maybe that's enough guesses for now.

Let's let her finish her story.

I-It's not important.

Um, I just came by to say

that I can't take care of your mom.

I'd rather go back to the dog food factory

and feed horse skeletons into the grinder.

Sounds like a lateral move to me, but that's your call. [ Door opens ]

[ Door closes ] You hired her to take care of Bev without even meeting her?

She's the only one I could afford, Dan.

There's gotta be somebody else.

Some no-account drifter just passing through town.

Ohh.

I can't afford a registered nurse,

so I'm doing the best I can with what's available.

In the meantime, Harris, Mark,

I need you guys to go over and watch Bev tonight.

No problem.

And, uh, Harris, you've got the late shift

at the tattoo parlor,

so you can do the early shift with Bev,

and then, Mark, you can relieve her

when you get off school at 3:00 every day.

Problem solved.

What? Every day?

Why is this all on us?

Well, you guys were concerned about her,

and she trusts you, and she paid for your computer camp.

Gave you her dead husband's watch.

Well, no, I understand.

You kids have a life of your own.

You like to make your little TikToks

and watch your Korean boy bands, so...

I-I'll -- I'll call you when she's dead.

Okay, fine. Fine.

We'll do it. Fine.

Only if you want to.

What's going on, Jackie? [ Door opens ]

Can't you ask Neville to kick in... [ Door closes ]

...or maybe move her in with you guys?

I'm not burdening him with the cost

of taking care of my horrible mother.

And there's no way she's living with me.

I finally found someone

who loves and accepts me unconditionally.

If I let her in the house, she'll just destroy that.

That's what she does.

Birds gotta swim, fish gotta fly.

Mm.

Yeah.

♪♪

Mmmmm. Food.

[ Whispering ] Don't move. There's a bear in the kitchen.

God, Dad.

You taking care of yourself with Louise out of town?

It's sausage, not heroin.

I'm fine.

Well, they'll both kill you.

It's just a matter of how many pallbearers

it takes to lift the coffin.

Hey, Dad. Hey.

Glad I caught you.

Have I told you how much I appreciate

you building this house for me and how perfect it is?

No, you have not.

Okay, here's why...

So, the plumbing is making terrible noises.

Now, I-I'm grateful that you did it all for free,

but free doesn't have to mean crappy.

I'm sure they're not terrible noises.

[ Scoffs lightly ] Mark, shower!

[ Loud rattling ]

Mommy, the wall monsters are back!

[ Gasps ]

It's okay, honey.

It's just Grandpa's half-assed workmanship.

Hey, I did it right.

I'll come over and see what's going on when I get free later.

Oh, hey, look, Dan, I know you got a lot on your plate,

so if you want, I can take a shot at fixing it.

Absolutely not!

"Taking a shot" does not inspire confidence.

"Ah, we've begun our descent into Chicago.

Uh, we're gonna take a shot at landing this plane. Uhhh."

"Uh, this is your co-pilot.

Relax, sit back, and kiss my ass."

Oh, you got an extra house key?

Oh, that's not necessary.

I'm gonna be home all day.

For if I get over here late when you guys are all asleep.

Well, why can't you just come over after work?

Chuck and I planned a guys' night.

We're gonna go bowling, shoot pool,

and maybe hit the all-night diner

for a pancake nightcap.

Wow. When the cat's away,

the old, creaky mouse rolls off the couch to play.

Yeah, I'm not gonna sit at home

waiting for my woman to come off her tour.

And there's nobody at the house to worry about it anymore,

so my time to howl.

Alright, well, the keys are there,

but just don't overdo it.

Please be sure to check your blood pressure,

wear your compression socks,

and, you know, send us a pin of wherever you're going to be.

Otherwise, rage on, dude.

♪♪

-- Captions by VITAC --

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

[ Softly ] Okay, so what's this about?

[ Softly ] You need to see her. She is not good.

And this would have been a lot easier

if we could have brought her to your house.

I told you I don't want her

getting her hate-dander in my new carpet.

Aunt Jackie, we have a real problem here.

I know you're talking about me.

I demand that you hear my side of the story

before these two monsters make up more lies about me.

What happened, Mom?

They're liars and thieves.

The girl one was rifling through my scarf drawer last night.

I was looking for something I could use as a gag.

An admission of guilt!

Mom, that's Harris.

I don't care who she is.

She's taking things, and so is the boy.

Right now, he's wearing my husband's watch

right in front of me.

She gave it to me. Oh!

Why would I do that?

It's worth a lot of money.

You're lucky my husband hasn't noticed yet.

He's got a temper.

Mark, give her the watch.

And those clothes?

They clearly came out of my husband's closet.

No one your age dresses like that.

I'm not taking off my clothes.

Mark, Harris, let me talk to you guys for a second

in the other room.

Mom, you finish your cereal,

and I'll take care of all this.

Hey, hey, hey!

Okay, first days are always hard. Hard?

Last night, she turned off the lights and lit candles

so the Germans wouldn't see us during The Blitz.

She thought she was a young girl in England.

She's never even been to England.

So just play along with her little stories.

There's no harm in that.

Is there harm in her running out of the house last night

and trying to bum cigarettes from cars that are driving by?

Oh, my God.

Did somebody almost hit her?

We know the answer you'd like to hear, but no.

And it was really scary.

We can't keep doing this. [ Sighs ]

We don't want to be responsible

if something really bad happens.

You need to get a real nurse.

Mm. And a strong one.

She's 96, but she's powered by Ensure

and generational evil.

Yeah. I hear you.

Okay, I think I know the answer to this,

but I'm gonna ask it anyway.

Is this something that could be solved with...

baby gates?

♪♪

Dad?

Hey.

Dad.

What time is it?

It's 9:00 am.

Holy cow.

I started working on the pipes, and I guess I conked out.

I haven't slept that hard in a long time.

Beverly Rose, Grandpa's here!

You can brush your teeth now!

Thanks for fixing it, Dad. Mm.

[ Loud rattling ]

[ Beverly Rose screams ]

Turn it off!

I thought you fixed it?

Sorry. But I did look at it, and I realize now

it's a lot more complicated than I thought.

I'm gonna have to come back here again tonight.

Yes, please.

Beverly Rose had to sleep with me again last night.

She's a kicker. She's a hitter.

It's like trying to spoon with a tiny cage fighter.

Look, Dad, if it's too hard,

I can just hire someone to help with the pipes.

Oh, I don't need help.

And I've got the key,

so I won't bother you when I come in late.

Late again tonight?

I'm getting straight A's, Mom.

Why can't I hang out late with the other kids? Gawd!

This is crazy. [ Door closes ]

He's going out every night drinking.

He's going to his old white man raves

or whatever he's doing.

Yeah, we gotta watch him.

Mark told me he was eating fried chicken

for breakfast the other day.

He's clearly not sleeping.

He's not in good enough shape to have fun.

♪♪

♪♪

Hey. Any luck finding a caregiver for Bev?

If you don't, Mark's going up the river

for stealing every gift she's ever given him.

I did find one.

She should be here any minute for the interview.

One?!

You were supposed to narrow it down to four or five.

Well, I tried.

First, I picked out all the ones

with keywords in their résumé like,

"caring," "compassionate," "love," "God."

Then I tossed them 'cause she'd just peck 'em clean

'til there was nothing left but bones and hair.

So, why this one?

Well, 'cause she's got impeccable credentials

working in memory care, and she knows martial arts.

Eventually, the job's going to require force

rather than explanation.

Oh, my God! [ Chuckles ]

What?

You see how much she charges?

Even if I put Bev in a daycare facility,

I'm still gonna need this woman for, like, 12 hours a night.

That's like 300 bucks a day.

What is that a year?! Somebody do the math!

Look, this is her. Just be chill. [ Door closes ]

Hi. I'm Darlene. Hi.

Please sit anywhere. We'll just be a minute.

Okay. Oh, my God.

Don't tell her to sit down. I can't afford her.

Bev is running into the middle of the street, Jackie. Ohh!

You need someone to keep her safe.

Why? She didn't do that for me or Roseanne.

She would leave us with our crazy rageaholic father,

or else stash us at Nana Mary's for months at a time

while she was off doing God knows what.

Alright, well, the other option

is to put her in a crowded state facility,

and, yeah, she hasn't always been a saint,

but I don't think you want that.

Mm. I maybe want that.

I mean, it could thin out once everybody got to know her.

Aunt Jackie. I know.

I know.

Damn her for putting me in this situation.

She never saved a dime,

knowing that her kids would have to take care of her.

She's always been selfish and narcissistic.

Mm. So, her name's Carrie,

and she grew up just outside of Lanford,

so she's a local, and she's a quilter.

Thanks for waiting.

Well, caring for people suffering from dementia

requires a lot of patience.

Yeah. Save the spiel.

I'm Jackie. I'm the daughter.

Um, so let's get down to it.

Obviously, you're qualified.

Uh, but for what you charge,

you're gonna have to actually cure her dementia,

and, uh, even so, I-I'm not really sure it's worth it.

Well, I know this is a difficult time for you, Jackie.

It's a big financial burden.

But I'm highly trained,

and there's nothing your mom can throw at me

that I can't handle.

You'll get to stop worrying,

and I'll give her the care and dignity she deserves.

Okay, well, what if we did the care

and then, the dignity, we just...

But what would that cost me?

Look, give me a week.

If you don't think it's worth it,

at the worst, your mom got one good week of care.

Mm. Well, yeah.

I mean, I do like the idea

of my mom getting used to good care

and then taking it away.

It's refreshing you don't even try

to cover up your resentment.

Oh, no, this is her covering up her resentment.

So, I'll call you later with the details.

Thank you.

I'll see you tomorrow night. Mm.

I can't believe

I'm actually even considering doing this.

I'm gonna have to spend every dime I've ever saved.

Maybe even take out a loan against the restaurant.

Oh, man, now that I know what it costs,

maybe I should let my dad eat whatever he wants.

♪♪

I don't want to wake him up, but he's on my calculus book.

I really need it.

Well, think about how grumpy he gets when you wake him up,

and then ask yourself,

"Am I ever really gonna use calculus?"

Just pull it out real fast, you know,

like that tablecloth trick.

Wow. I-I think it really helps

when the tablecloth is hungover.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, he's gotta go to work.

We have to wake him up, right?

Hey. Come on, buddy.

We got a pallet... [ Door closes ]

...full of low-flush toilets to unload.

[ Sighs ]

You know, when I hear out loud what I do for a living,

I get a little sad.

I need to sleep.

Go away. I'll finish the pipes tonight.

This is not like my dad.

He's an early riser.

Now he can't even get up off the couch and he's disoriented? Mm.

I'm gonna let him sleep now, but, you know,

we gotta ambush him at his place later.

I'm not gonna let him keep doing what he's doing

all the way to the hospital.

Well, it's a good idea,

but I'm gonna leave that up to you guys

'cause I double-dog-dared him

to eat 12 Slim Jims yesterday,

so...telling him to take care of himself

would be kind of a mixed message coming from me.

[ Country music plays ]

♪♪

[ Cellphone ringing ]

[ Music stops ]

Oh, hey, Darlene.

Everything okay?

Great. Can't talk right now.

I'm at the casino.

Yeah. Yeah. I know.

It sounds like that 'cause I just stepped outside.

No, I'm totally fine.

Yeah, I'm killing it at the blackjack table,

but I'll be over later tonight.

I gotta go. I see some people I know.

What the hell is going on, Dad?

Why wouldn't you want us to know that you're home?

That's my business.

Why are you spying on me?

We didn't come to spy. We came to ambush.

Because we're worried about you.

You're out every night

doing fun things I'm not invited to.

The only night I went out was bowling with Chuck.

Then why do you keep coming over so late at night

to work on the plumbing?

'Cause that's when I want to do it.

But you're not even doing it.

You're just falling asleep on the couch.

I-It doesn't make any sense,

unless you don't know how to fix the pipes

and you're just too embarrassed to admit it.

I know how to fix the pipes.

I just needed to sleep, alright?! Damn!

I don't get it.

[ Sighs ] Why do you have to sleep at our place?

Because it's the only place I can sleep.

I started having trouble when Louise went on tour last month.

Alright, so you miss Louise.

Why didn't you just tell us?

Because that's not the problem.

Louise came home for a few days last week

and I still couldn't sleep.

Okay, then you've got insomnia.

We'll get you a sleep machine.

No, that's not the problem either.

Good God, man, throw me a bone here.

These are good guesses.

Look...

ever since your mother died,

it started running through my head

that bad things could happen to you guys

any time when I'm not around.

And then you all moved out.

And I can't sleep unless I know you all are safe.

Oh, my God, Dan.

That is so sweet. Thank you.

I'm not talking about you, meathead.

I'm talking about my family.

You should have just told us.

Told you what?

That I'm a grown man

who's scared of his thoughts in the night?

You'll never hear that from me.

Dan, she just did.

I'm still very tired. Leave me alone.

Dad, you've been around our whole lives

and tons of bad things have happened.

And we got through it because you have done a great job

teaching us to be self-sufficient. Mm.

Except for the part where we can't hold down a job... [ Sighs ]

...and have to move back home.

This is an easy problem to solve, Dad.

Just come over and stay at our house

until you work through this.

No.

I need to tough it out and sleep in my own bed.

Good for you.

And you guys will take turns sleeping on the couch

till I can shake this thing.

Alright, I'll sleep over first.

Oh, I don't care what happens to you.

You can be anywhere.

He's mean to me because he loves me.

Now I see where you get it from.

♪♪

Oh, Carrie just texted.

The week is up, so she's stopping by

to see if I can keep her on or not,

which I really can't.

So, um, what's your evening like?

I have to babysit Grandpa tonight.

You people are slowly killing me.

Mm.

Oh, well, uh, you didn't have to physically return her.

She needs fresh air.

And I need to go over some things with you.

-Mm. -Okay.

Here we go. Okay.

Alright, just an update --

her vitals are good, she's eating better,

and her blood pressure is nice and low.

Don't you got any good news?

She's gonna need some physical therapy

for that improperly healed broken arm.

Broken arm? When did that happen?

Mm. I think a pretty good while ago.

But you need to ask her.

She didn't want to talk about it.

I just got her medical records.

Okay. Well, does this mention the burns she got

from when Dorothy threw the water on her?

Hello, Jackie. [ Laughs ]

Oh, you remember who I am.

Okay, so, Mom, what is all this about

you breaking your arm

in 1965?

That's before we moved in with Nana Mary.

We were still living with Dad.

5643 Christiana. Elgin. Third floor --

Okay. Okay. Calm down.

Calm down, beautiful mind. Yeah.

So while we're going through this,

you want something to eat, or...?

I wouldn't eat anything in this ptomaine tabernacle.

Mm. Moving on.

"Patient brought in to hospital by mother..."

That's Nana Mary.

"With her two young girls. Refuses cast."

[ Sighs ] Well, that's why it never healed right.

Why in the world would you say no to a cast?

I don't want to talk about this.

How did you break your arm in the first place?

Why didn't Dad bring you in?

Where was Dad? I don't know.

Stop asking questions.

Mom, did Dad do this?

Why do you keep asking?

I didn't want you to know what he did.

He was gonna hit you, and I stopped him,

and he broke my arm.

Oh, my God.

That's why we moved in with Nana Mary.

Well, I couldn't let him hurt you two.

You girls didn't do anything. You were just little girls.

Stop making me talk about this.

I need to leave. Okay.

Mom, Mom. I-I just --

I had no idea.

Thank you.

I-I need to go.

Okay.

Well, Carrie's gonna take you home and stay with you tonight,

and, um, she's gonna be helping us from now on.

Don't worry, Beverly. I'm right here.

Not that arm, dummy. That's the bad arm.

What kind of a nurse are you?

Come on.

Thanks.

Everything okay?

Yeah. It's just that...

that milkshake's gonna cost you $300.

♪♪

How's your stew?

You mean the roadkill they throw into a pot

with a couple of carrots?

Terrible.

Forget about that.

I brought you something very special.

Aww, you didn't have to do that, Grandma Bev.

You don't know this, but this is my late husband's watch.

I want you to have it.

No, you don't.