Original subtitles

Come on, slowpokes! We got a honeymoon to start!

Uh, wasn't me. Not like I was packing lingerie.

He knows what he bought.

And I lost the receipt, so I guess I'm stuck with it.

I can't believe you guys are going together.

Well, Ben found a great deal,

and better a double honeymoon than no honeymoon.

Hm.

Maybe.

No. No. You know what? It's gonna be great.

I-I did a lot of work on myself this year,

and I'm gonna be positive.

Feels wrong, makes me kinda sweaty,

but I'm gonna do it.

Anyway, here's where we're going.

It's a lovely two-bedroom cabin on the lake near the dunes.

There's no reception.

Oh. Fine by me.

The only signal I need is right here,

and it is flashing green.

This is so weird.

I never thought I'd be going on a honeymoon with my Aunt Jackie.

Aww! That's sweet.

No, no.

I mean I never thought you'd be going on a honeymoon.

What's that supposed to mean?

No, no. I-It's great. It's great.

Just -- Just kind of a shocker, right?

I mean, even you've got to admit

your romantic life's been kind of a dumpster fire.

Ben: [ Chuckles ] Right? I mean, holy cow.

You couldn't make a relationship work

if you gave it a salary and a company car.

[ Laughs ]

You know, you're barely family.

And yet here we are, right?

You've got Neville and whatever brain-eating cow virus

he picked up at work that's making him love you!

[ Laughter ]

Fingers crossed for no cure!

[ Laughing ] That's funny! Yeah!

Aunt Jackie finally trapped herself a man,

but he's only got part of his brain.

So if he tries to run away, he'll just go in circles.

[ Laughter ]

Hey.

It doesn't take a whole brain to love you. Mwah.

**

**

**

Boots and saddles, Harris. Boots and saddles.

Oh, we're all gonna be out of town at the same time,

so somebody be sure to arm the security system.

It's on.

Harris, do you realize this is one of the last times

we'll ever share a room?

'Cause at Mom's new place, we each have our own.

Harris: Yeah. About that.

Mom, I know we planned on me moving in,

but I decided it's better if I don't live with you.

Hey, you know what? It's okay. You don't owe me.

But when you were little,

you wandered off into the park a couple times.

I set my coffee down and went looking for you.

Didn't have to.

Becky: Wait, Harris.

I know we talked about getting a place together.

And I love you.

You're like a daughter to me.

But I just can't afford it right now.

No, no. It's not that.

I don't want to live with you either.

Well, you lose because I said it first.

So, where you gonna live?

With Grandpa and Louise.

I'm sorry.

Is there another Grandpa and Louise who invited you?

I promised my Louise privacy.

You said I was always welcome here.

That's when you said you were leaving.

I'll talk to her when she comes off the road.

Okay! Load up!

Hey, how'd you guys decide on a water park?

Beverly Rose won a half-price coupon from her preschool

because her knowledge of colors is exemplary.

Banana, yellow. Beet, red. Beer, brown.

The last one's me.

Thanks for avoiding living with me again.

It'd be nice to have an older sister

who could give me advice once in a while

or be there for me during hard times.

But it's fine.

I've gotten used to being an only child.

[ Sighs ]

**

Oh! You know what?

You're lighter without all the negativity.

Oh! Well, that answers the question

"How much does a personality weigh?"

Oh, wow! Jackie: Oh!

Oh, Neville!

Oh, my God! Neville!

Our room is huge!

It -- It really is.

Let's go see what our room is like. Yeah.

You guys, there's no other bedroom.

That's the bathroom.

But the pictures online showed two separate bedrooms.

Ah. Oh, God. They are separate.

They're just on top of each other.

Well, we need to get another cabin.

There were no other cabins.

Oh.

And the deposit is nonrefundable

because it was a last-minute deal.

[ Sighs ]

God. You know, you'd think you could trust

a website called "You Get What You Pay For."

All right. Look. It was a really long drive.

Let's just figure it out in the morning.

We have two beds. That's the main thing.

Yeah. Let's just unpack all of our stuff later and just relax.

Darlene: Right.

We get to chill in a super-cute room with people we love.

You guys, let's just watch a movie.

Oh, no. No.

I'm on the miracle honeymoon

that no one thought that I'd ever have.

So I think I'd rather watch the movie playing

in my man's eyes.

Don't know how the three of us are gonna get close enough

to see that.

But if you guys need the distraction of the TV, sure.

We just want to be together, and that's enough.

Yeah. Us too. We don't need distractions.

We spend a lot of our time just talking to each other.

Oh, you need to talk?

I think that sometimes people need to do that

when they have problems in their relationship.

I talk when it's quiet.

Just -- Just...

No. We don't have to either.

I once spent a whole weekend with my head on Ben's chest

just, like, listening to his heart beat.

Mm-hmm. I thought I was having arrhythmia from my sinus pills.

But everything we do is super romantic.

Mm-hmm. [ Smooches ]

I got to pee.

Even that. [ Smooches ]

Aww! That's great.

But have you ever fed Ben cake

in a bathtub filled with champagne?

No, because I don't want to get an infection.

Uh, I don't want to interrupt the love talk,

but all they have is this bar soap.

Well, that's okay. I love bar soap.

Do you love it used?

'Cause this one has a hair

that goes all the way around it like a ribbon.

All right. Maybe we should just get settled in.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Well, why don't you and Ben take the nice cozy loft,

and Neville and I will snuggle up together down here.

Don't worry.

I can control myself for one night.

Although, I don't think anybody

should blame Neville if he can't.

[ Laughs ]

Well, if he can't,

just mention that I found the hairy soap

sitting on an old, used Band-Aid.

That pretty much shut me down for the night.

**

[ Sighs ] Come on. You've been pouting all day.

Is this still about me living with Grandpa?

Don't be a little bitch and ruin our vacation.

I'm gonna run a bath.

There was a diaper floating alongside me in the lazy river.

It's not always about you.

[ Water running ]

I saw this on Instagram while we were driving up.

Okay, so that little jerk Logan

didn't tell you he had a new boyfriend.

What's the big deal?

I thought you guys split up months ago.

I didn't tell Mom, but we never stopped talking.

We were planning on me going

to live with him in Oklahoma someday.

I didn't know that.

But you dodged two bullets.

He was a bummer and...Oklahoma.

Oklahoma looks nice in this photo of Logan making out

with someone who's not me.

Well, hey. We g-- We got a mini fridge.

Maybe there's something in there that'll cheer you up.

You ever had a $12 Twix bar?

Candy isn't gonna help.

What are you doing? That's a beer! Put that back!

No.

Don't kid around. It's on a sensor.

You have 30 seconds to put it back

or they'll know you took it.

I'm not kidding around.

This is gonna make me feel better.

Okay. I know where you're at, but you're too young to drink.

And I'm gonna catch hell if you do.

Then leave the room, and you're not part of it.

[ Scoffs ] God. You're really gonna do this, huh?

Yeah, I am.

All right. Well, here's the deal.

You wanted a big sister who helps get you through things,

so that's what we're gonna do. Oh, gee, thanks.

Now you're gonna lecture me about how it's gonna get better

and I'm gonna find somebody else.

No. We're gonna drink.

You're gonna do this anyway, so it's better you do it with me.

But we're not drinking that low-carb backwash.

Here.

Swap this remote for the tequila.

I brought margarita mix.

Tastes better. More healing power.

You packed margarita mix?

I'm at an indoor water park with my family.

This is what I packed first.

What I said about you not being there for me --

I take it all back. I love you.

Oh, God.

You're not gonna be that kind of drunk, are you?

**

I can't fall asleep at 8:00 p.m.

[ Sighs ]

Maybe we could see if there's a really boring movie

playing on Neville's eyes.

Hey, do you think that Jackie and Neville

are more in love than we are?

No. Why would you say that?

I don't know.

They're just so giddy around each other.

Well, look.

We're not giddy people.

You know, I'm from a Nordic background,

and you're shut down emotionally,

so we express our love by not showing it.

Yeah. Right. We're not demonstrative.

Yeah.

We don't need to prove to everybody

how much in love we are.

We just know it. Yeah.

Ah.

Remember that time we held hands at the county fair?

Yeah. That was weird. I felt like an idiot.

Me too.

[ Exhales deeply ]

Well, but why is it bothering me so much

that Jackie's trying to prove

that their love is better than ours?

She's being so competitive.

Hey, it's apples and oranges.

They're all touchy-feely, and we're all

"Don't be rubbing on me when I wake up."

Mm! [ Laughs ] Night.

Night?

It's our honeymoon.

Well, yeah, but...

Well, but if you don't do something

on the first night of your honeymoon, it's bad luck.

Where'd you read that?

The bathroom wall at The Lunch Box.

Just do it. Come on. We'll be really quiet.

Well, are you sure we can be quiet?

I mean... I'm kind of a screamer.

Can't make any noise if your mouth is busy.

Ooh! [ Laughs ]

Neville: [ Laughs ] Jackie!

[ Jackie laughing ] Come on.

[ Both laughing ] Stop! Stop!

[ Laughs ]

What's that?

[ Metal creaking ]

Oh, my God. Am I hearing what I think I'm hearing?

Yes, you are.

[ Exhales sharply ]

You know what? I know what this is.

They're trying to prove

that they're more passionate than we are.

Let's just be really quiet,

and once they see we're not taking the bait, they will stop.

Fine.

[ Creaking continues ]

If you love me, you will hit me with that canoe lamp

and knock me out.

Well, sure, but then who's gonna hit me with the canoe lamp?

**

You should have seen, Dad.

When that chunky kid and his dad crashed into Beverly Rose

at the end of the slide, she rode the wave like a pro!

I heard the kid Augustus Glooped himself

on the next tube ride down.

Oh! Did you get through to Harris and Mark?

Uh, kind of.

I called, and Harris answered,

"Conner's Insane Asylum. Best place to drop your nuts."

And then Mark laughed hysterically

and started singing "Oklahoma!" and they hung up.

Well, I'm glad they're having fun,

but they better get over here for dinner.

"Drop your nuts." That was your mom's joke.

You think the young ones aren't listening, but they are.

**

I think that album changed my life.

Morrissey got me through a lot of breakups.

He's not just sad.

He's also bitter

and occasionally petty and vengeful.

That's what spoke to me.

Me too.

I-I feel like you and I are -- are so close now.

We're sharing something so profound together,

on the same level.

I know.

You know, I've always wanted to get you drunk

and make you listen to Morrissey,

but you just wouldn't have got it until now.

Yeah.

Man, when I was 10, I was so shallow.

I was gonna run away when I was 16.

And I heard that album, and...

it made me realize how scary the world was.

Plus, I knew you'd need someone to help get you through it.

You didn't go because of me?

Yeah.

And now I can't leave because you're finally fun.

You think I'm fun?

That means we're friends! [ Sobs ]

Yeah. Yeah. There's tissues in the bathroom.

Oh. [ Water squishing ]

Oh, God. I cried so much the rug's wet.

Crap. How long ago did I turn on the bathtub?

[ Water running, knock on door ]

Everything is overflowing. Where do I throw up?

The sink. Newbie.

Dan: Open the door!

Oh, hey, man. What's up?

What the hell's going on in there?

The front desk called and said the room below you is flooding.

Yeah. Even the -- the rooms are water rides.

It's a really great hotel.

Okay. Be right over in a minute.

[ Knock on door ]

Take the chain off the door

or stand back and I'll do it myself!

Uh, a-all right. It'll just take a-a second.

The chain is stuck. It's super weird.

[ Bottle thuds ]

Hey.

Oh. I'm gonna need yours, too.

That's weird. [ Water squishing ]

Our fridge only had alcohol.

Yours is filled with shoes... and a clock.

You guys were drinking straight tequila?

Who do you think I am? Of course not!

I brought a mix.

Mark doesn't drink.

And trust me, you don't start with tequila.

Ah. From what I saw in there, he knows that now.

Okay. Everybody pack up.

I don't want to get hit for the damages.

I'll grab Mark. Oh!

And grab those puffy hangers.

I told Louise I'd bring her a gift.

[ Metal creaking ]

[ Whispering ] We've got to do something!

I don't know what you just said, but we have got to do something.

I really don't want to get involved

in a conversation with them about this.

Oh, I know, right? It's so awkward.

I guess she's just trying to make the best of her honeymoon.

Heard her make the best of it three times already.

[ Sighs ]

Maybe we should cough, and then they'll realize

we're actually awake and get the hint.

[ Creaking continues ]

[ Clears throat ] [ Coughs ]

[ Creaking continues ]

[ Coughs loudly ] [ Coughs loudly ]

[ Creaking continues ]

All right. They're not going for subtle.

[ Bag thuds ]

Jackie: What's your problem? Go back to sleep!

Uh, we haven't been to sleep. We can hear everything.

Well, I'm sorry, but it's our honeymoon.

Our love is so strong, we just got caught up in the moment.

The moment? It's been an hour of giggling and squeaking.

I think I heard crying at one point.

Oh, that was me. I got a foot cramp.

[ Whispering ] Not really. I was just so happy.

You're just jealous because clearly

there's more excitement in our relationship.

Then be excited in the bathroom with a towel under the door

or outside in the woods.

I mean, what kind of freaks are you?

And who said, "Poke me with your pitchfork, devil"?

That's none of your business.

And what kind of freaks are you, listening for an hour?

Okay. You know what? Look.

This conversation is going nowhere good,

and neither is this honeymoon. All right. You know what?

Let's just leave. I'm gonna call an Uber.

Yeah. Good.

Because you obviously can't handle a real loving couple.

I'm glad you're going.

Yeah, because now you can leave the door open

and give the raccoons a show.

Raccoons have seen it all. They're not gonna --

And never mind. You're being sarcastic.

**

Becky: It takes a lot longer to drive back when you have to stop

every 10 minutes so Mark can lean out the window

and spread sunshine all over the place.

I'm sorry. I've never been this sick.

I'll get to you in a minute.

I didn't want to yell in front of the kid,

but what the hell were you thinking, letting Mark drink?

He's got a bright future

and a liver we're all gonna need a piece of.

[ Door opens ]

What happened to the side of the car?

You guys sideswipe a deer?

And what's wrong with Mark?

Your kids went all Hunter S. Thompson in their hotel room.

Huge drinking binge.

And they flooded the place.

Why are you guys back?

Oh, a couple wild animals got into the room,

and apparently it was mating season.

Could you guys give us a second?

What the hell were you guys thinking?

And why are you drinking all of a sudden?

I still care about Logan,

and I saw that he has a new boyfriend

and that he's forgotten about me.

So Harris and I got drunk.

Okay. Look. I-I'm sorry about that.

But having your heart broken doesn't mean

you get to be self-destructive and irresponsible.

Look, I know we've modeled nothing else,

but still, you have seen good families on TV.

Go easy on him.

He could have done a lot worse things

than drinking and flooding a bathroom.

Listen. This is totally unacceptable, okay?

You are grounded for two weeks, and you have no phone.

Please don't take my phone. No.

We need it to stage photos of him on Instagram

looking like he's doing great after Logan dumped him.

All right. Then we'll take your phone.

I'm taking somebody's phone.

It's not her fault. I was gonna do it anyway.

She was just trying to be a friend.

Wow. Sticking up for each other. That's new.

Okay. This one time, all right?

You're still grounded for two weeks,

but you can have the phone.

But this better never happen again, okay?

Thank you. Can we go listen to music?

There's an album I want to throw up to.

That's it? That's all you're gonna do?

Are you sure you don't want to buy him a bottle of wine

to celebrate their new friendship?

There's a bigger picture here, Becky.

They finally have a relationship.

If that took a couple of drinks one time

to get that to happen, then so be it.

**

Hey.

What are you doing back so soon?

Um, after you left, they found out the loft was empty,

and they booked somebody else into it.

But I brought some stuff you guys left.

Sweater. Toothbrush.

Oh, and your prudish attitude

about making love in the same room as a relative.

Why were you trying so hard

to prove that you're a better couple than us?

How can you even ask me that after all the hurtful things

you said about me going on a honeymoon

and how nobody would ever want to be with me?

That's how the Conners show love.

We find each other's emotional wounds and we pour salt in.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No. I know all that.

Aunt Jackie's a lunatic. Aunt Jackie's a screw-up.

How could Aunt Jackie ever find somebody to love her?

I've dealt with those issues my whole life.

I don't need to hear it from you and the rest of the family.

I deserve better.

You do.

Maybe I just saw how happy you and Neville were

from the moment you got together.

You know, Ben and I had so many ups and downs

before we got married, and I guess I just...

felt a little insecure.

Well, maybe I did try a little too hard

to -- to show that Neville and I are crazy in love.

Yep.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, it was a long road to healthy relationships

for both of us, but hey, we made it!

Yeah, we did.

[ Laughs ]

All right. So be real with me.

Were you guys really going at it for an hour,

or were you just making noises to impress us?

Actually, it was longer.

I put a pillow over his face for the first part,

but that was just partially for your benefit.

Uh, j-- My fault for asking.

Okay. We can...

Why do I have to wash the car now?

My head is killing me. That's exactly why.

How you feeling, buddy?!

Don't do that. [ Laughs ]

Ben, cut him a break.

Mark, this might make you feel better.

It's one of those funny videos of the goats that you like.

[ Goat screaming ]

[ Laughs ]

-- Captions by VITA --