Original subtitles

LOUD CHATTER

You're probably wondering why my best pal, Jock,

has a smartphone stuck in his mouth.

It all started with Star's sixth birthday.

Call me a fuddy-duddy, but I don't think you should be throwing

a birthday party for a six-year-old in a drug dealer's house.

It's...

Hi, Craig. Hiya.

It is not a drug dealer's house.

It's Tony and Mairead's house.

And Conor was not a drug dealer, he was a drug mule.

The only difference between a drug dealer and a drug mule

is one is stupider than the other.

My tummy's fair sticky today.

That's probably from that fish gut that landed in your mouth earlier.

Ugh. PHONE RINGS

Come here. My phone's ringing.

Get that there, will you?

CONOR MUTTERS Just get it, will you?

All right, Orla? How's Linda?

Hi, Conor.

I'm grand, thanks for asking.

Oh, sorry. How are you, Orla?

Well, to be honest, Conor, I'm up the walls with...

How's Linda? MAIREAD SIGHS

Couldn't be better.

Mad preparing for the wedding because she's getting married...

..to someone else.

Yeah, I know that. Jesus Christ.

Do you?

Yeah, yeah, I knew that.

Sap.

All right, Orls, what's up?

I'm ringing to ask a favour.

I'm having the kitchen redone -

quartz countertops, dark navy shaker cabinets.

Nothing too elaborate, but they're now saying it'll be another

two weeks before they're finished.

Yeah? So, what, you want me to help you paint it or something?

No, no, nothing like that.

It's just I won't be able to throw Star's party here.

Any chance we could have the party in your house?

RETCHES Oh, Jesus!

What, have you never seen someone get sick before?

That's mank!

Jeez, I fucking hate her.

This is a bad idea!

Just throw the party in a couple of weeks when your place is ready!

Erm... Sorry, girls.

Yeah, erm...

Yeah, grand, grand, grand, we can have it in our house.

We'll see all Saturday, all right?

Mairead, you are a life-saver!

I owe you.

Crisis averted, lads! Crisis averted!

EXHALES

You OK? I don't know.

That was gross.

Ugh, it tastes like shit.

Everybody in school is talking about their daddies.

You think I could see mine on my birthday?

No, Star, and stop asking.

I told you, he's gone away for a long, long time,

and he's never coming back.

Go on.

Tough love. She's going to flippin' hate you

for cutting her father out of her life.

Jock will come out of prison in a few years, and you're going

to have to deal with it, Siobhan.

No, I won't, cos when Jock gets out of prison, he'll just fuck up -

again - and then he'll disappear out of Star's life. Again.

Then she'll realise why I didn't want him around in the first place.

Besides, I know something that all kids love more than their dad.

Hey, Star...

Do you want to get ice cream? Yay!

Hmm. Hmm. Come on.

Right, lads, this is the first time that Star has been allowed in our

home since Jock got locked up.

Maybe Jock could say a quick hello at the party.

Ah, Jesus, no, Con. That's just way too much.

If we suggest that Siobhan's not going to trust us, then Star

will never be allowed to come here again. OK.

I spent an absolute bomb on this stuff.

Do you think I got enough?

What about proper food?

What do you mean, "proper food"?

Like, proper adult food?

Wedges, chips, little pizzas.

Oh, Jesus, I didn't even think of that.

All right, I'll sort it out. Give me an hour or so.

OK, thanks.

Erm... Where do I even...?

What was that?

Condoms.

"Condoms"? Mm-hm.

I didn't know women as old as you could get pregnant.

Ow! Go sort the food out!

SHE SIGHS

I wish.

LINE RINGS Come on, Con, come on...

Come on, Con.

PHONE VIBRATES

I don't have any money to transfer!

Piss off! Con, Con, Con!

Can you hear me? Con!

Jock? Is that you, boy?

How'd you get your hands on a video call?

I'm renting a burner phone for the day, boy.

It's costing me my dessert for the next year.

Ah, you look great! Your hair's gas-looking!

Tell me, what's Colombia like?

You know, is the weather good?

I think it's pretty sunny outside,

but we don't really get to see the sun.

But we can feel it. It's hot.

Is the beaches nice and, like...?

The beach? Erm, there's not really a beach either.

Like, it's prison.

Oh, yeah.

It's pretty grim, actually, if I'm being honest with you.

Ah, sorry, bud. I didn't mean to...

A fella got killed yesterday.

Oh, nice. Heh!

Here, I need you to help me with something, boy. Hey, you!

IN SPANISH:

Promise. Huh?

Boy, you speak Mexican now?

How do you say, "All right, lads, what's the craic?"

"Hola, amigos."

That's fucking class!

You'll have to teach me when you get back!

Enchilada! Taco, por favor.

Hola, amigos! Hola, ami...

Come on. Here, listen, listen.

Sorry, sorry, yeah, continue. Go on.

Star's birthday's coming up, yeah?

Yeah. You need to help me wish her a happy birthday, boy.

Are you doing anything for it?

We're actually having Star's birthday in our gaff.

You're having a party for her?

That's perfect, boy!

I need you to help me video-call her so I can wish her a happy birthday.

I said to Mam earlier and she said not a chance.

She thinks if the party goes well, then Star will be able to come

around more often, and you'll have a better chance

of speaking to her then.

What are you on about, "she said no"? That's my daughter!

You know, Siobhan's never going to let that happen, ever.

I've been begging her for the last three years to let me speak to Star

and she won't even respond.

Well, maybe if we just kind of explain it more to Siobhan

and make her see reason.

Yeah, that's a good idea, boy, yeah. Make her see reason?

We'll explain it to her and make her see reason.

That's a good idea.

Thanks, boy. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey...

Is this one of them times where you say the opposite of what you meant?

What do you think?

Boy, I don't know.

It's the worst idea I've ever heard, boy. Hey, "Yock-o"!

RICO SHOUTS

Gracias. Heh.

Sh. Sh. Sh.

Boy, of course she can't know,

but Siobhan's about as reasonable as a horny bull.

Yeah, of course not. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's bullshit, boy, and it's killing me, like, please, boy.

Fuck... All right. Come on, Con, you know I'd do anything for you.

Fuck it, Jock, I can help you, boy.

Anything for you, all right? Love you, boy. Ha-ha!

Gringo! "Gringo"?

THEY SPEAK SPANISH

I have to go, Con.

Con, I need to go.

Gringo, can you hear me? Gringo!

CALL DISCONNECTS

Fuck.

All right, I can do this.

I can do this. Come on.

I'm here for you, Jock.

Who saved the day? I saved the day.

What's this? Grown-up food.

Oh...

For eating. Are they hot?

No, it's frozen. I think you've got to cook it to make it hot.

She means, "Is it stolen?"

Why is it always the first thing in your head

just always has to be if I've done something illegal?

What shop did you get it from, son?

Erm... Not exactly a shop.

It was...the back of a fella's van, but it really did look like a shop.

I can't turn a blind eye to this if these are stolen goods.

Tony, if you confiscate our party food, you'll be sleeping

on that couch for a month.

Hmm...

OK, well, if anyone asks, maybe it's better if you say

that I wasn't here for this conversation.

Hmm. What's "chocken"?

You legally have to change a letter if they're not entirely sure

what animal the meat is from.

Oh... Ugh. Ew.

All right, we need to clean this place from top to bottom.

It is clean. It's US clean.

It's not Orla Walsh clean.

Needs to look like we actually give a shit.

Does anyone know what this is? What's it say on the front?

"Sterilising fluid".

That's for sterilising fluid.

ORNAMENT SMASHES

Oh.

THUD! Oi!

Just throw it back over in a few hours!

RETCHES

That's pretty.

CONOR CHUCKLES

Ow! Fuck!

Oh, jeez! BALLOON POPS

SHE URINATES

Erm, Tony, can I talk to you for a sec?

There's... There's something I want to show you.

No, no, I double-flushed it the last time I was in there.

That must have been Conor.

No, no, it's not that. It's just, I...

CONOR SCREAMS

I heard a woman screaming. What's going on?

Just... OK, promise me that you won't get stressed out.

I'm getting stressed out thinking about it, so what is it?

Er, there's a big, fucking...

A big fucking what?!

Big fucking rat!

THEY YELP

Tony! W-w-where is it?

It's in the house somewhere!

It's, like, the size of a small dog!

SQUEAKING

THEY SCREAM

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!

Just fucking brilliant!

"Brilliant"?

Oh, I thought you'd think it was a bad thing.

It is a bad thing!

Today, of all days, he decides to come back, like.

"Come back"? You mean it's been here before?

Well, yeah, like, I mean, I saw him last week and then he left,

and then I just thought no more of it.

How do you know that it left?

Because I hadn't seen him in ages.

He didn't leave and that means we've been living with a rat for at least

the past week, and in the meantime, it probably told all its rat buddies

that we like living with rats!

Chill out, all right? It's just a mouse with longer legs, all right?

Yeah, and pointier teeth and more diseases.

Yeah, the famine.

The plague. What?

Will I call Billy? We need a real man.

Billy? Well, are YOU going to do it?

Are you?

Call Billy.

SINISTER MUSIC

The thing you need to know about rats is that they're all connected.

What do you mean, "all connected"?

All connected like the way mushrooms are connected

or those blue, alien plant thingies from Avatar.

OK, rats are just rodents with small brains.

That's true, but they're also part of this bigger network

that forms this huge rat brain.

Well, Billy, that's a very interesting theory.

It's a true, interesting theory.

If you tell one rat a story...

WHISPERS: ..then all the rats know it.

If you hurt one rat, then you hurt them all.

Oh, this is bullshit.

I was once bitten by a rat.

Oh, my God.

So...

..when I kill this rat...

..the rat that bit me...

..is going to suffer.

OK, Billy, enough of the shit-talk.

How long is this going to take?

That depends on whether you want the quick service

or the slow service.

Well, obviously, I want the quick service.

They're going to be here any minute.

Well, let's say 100 euros.

100 euro, my hole!

I tell you what, I'll give you all the leftover party food.

Deal.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, bollocking shit. Oh, my God, they're here!

CONOR MUTTERS PANICKILY

ORLA: Hello, Mairead? Just go, will you?

Oh, bollocking shit! Hello?

I can hear someone in there. What did you want to talk to me about?

You need to be discreet, OK? You're doing maintenance work.

No-one needs to know there's a rat here, all right?

Mairead, when I was mopping, what did you want to say?

Do I look like I have time to talk to you now?

DOORBELL RINGS, KNOCKING

Welcome to the party, pal!

First you want to talk, then you don't want to talk.

Welcome to my humble abode.

Oh, she got the "humble" part right.

You remember my mam, Joy?

Of course. So lovely to see you again.

Yes.

I thought maybe you and I could have a few drinks later on,

seeing as there are so many adults to watch Star.

Ah, yeah.

Well, shall we come through?

Oh! Oh, er, we shall!

I'll show you into the kitchen and,

er, Tony and Conor are in the, erm...

..lounge. Lovely.

BOTH: "Lounge"?

JOY CHUCKLES Mirrors are such awful

dust collectors, aren't they?

MOCKINGLY: "Yeah, they're such awful dust collectors!"

Mairead, have you any traps?

ORLA: Trap? Traps? For what?

Er, traps, traps, these are the muscles under your arms,

right, Billy? That's what you're talking about, right?

Yeah, I-I'm... I'm getting big into my anatomy.

Billy does some, er, maintenance for us.

What sort of maintenance work does he do?

What's with all the questions?

That's between myself and Mairead.

Er, just, er, maintenance.

Just general maintenance around the house so we can maintain it,

just so it doesn't become unmaintained.

I'll follow you through through the kitchen.

WHISPERS: Billy!

What part of "discreet" do you not understand?

Well, I thought I was being discreet,

you know, I didn't say "rat trap".

From now on, when people are around, you don't talk, all right?

All right. Just find that furry fucker!

All right! DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, shit.

Ah, the place is lovely...

Hi, Bar. Hi, Mairead.

Is Joy here? Oh, yeah. I'm so glad she could make it.

You don't have to lie to me, Mairead.

She's be my mother-in-law for the last 20 years.

Just remember, there's a lot riding on this, OK?

So try to be as polite as you can.

All right. Just follow my lead.

Orla. Tony. Lovely to see you.

BOTH: Mwah!

And this must be your sister.

SHE CHUCKLES

People say that all the time.

I'm actually her mother, Joy.

"Joy."

A name that matches your face. SHE CHUCKLES

And this is, uh, Conor.

How's it hanging?

Or how are these hanging, I suppose I should say?

Um...

Not that that matters, because I love them all,

all shapes and sizes...

So you're looking well anyway.

Hello.

Don't worry...

SNIFFS ..it's clean.

Yeah. Interesting choice of tattoo.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah. When I was going out

with your great-granddaughter,

she had nothing but great things to say about you.

Oh! What was it she said?

That you're posh as fuck.

Orla, can I take your coat?

That would be lovely, Tony.

Thank you.

Eh, give me your bag. No.

Jesus Christ.

I like to keep it close.

Sure.

Hiya, Conor. Tony.

Barry. Hey, hey...

DOORBELL RINGS ALL THREE: I'll get it.

No, no, no, no... You stay here and enjoy yourselves.

I'll get it.

Barry, you look awful.

Thanks, Joy.

Lovely to see you, too.

Hiya, princess.

Oh!

My mummy got me a new bike for my birthday.

Oh, it's a beauty.

Sorry we're late, Mairead, we would have been here earlier,

but Siobhan wanted to put on a fourth layer of make-up.

Yeah, well. It's cold outside, and it keeps me warm.

Look, thanks for playing host, Mairead.

Oh, my pleasure, love.

All right.

OK, let's get this party over.

I mean started, started.

Thanks again for doing this, Mairead.

Oh, sure, it's my pleasure. Anything for Star.

I just thought I'd let you know,

the guests are getting a little peckish.

But there's plenty of nibbles.

Cola bottles are not nibbles.

Sure that child's sugar levels are going to be through the roof

by the end of the day.

Nan, it's her birthday only once a year, so just let her enjoy herself.

SHE GULPS

Sure, look, here comes our savoury dishes now.

Oh. Da-da-da-da!

They look lovely.

Do you have any normal food?

What do you mean "normal food"? That is normal food.

Of course it's normal.

Who doesn't love a sausage?

Yes, but I can't eat greasy food.

I'm sure it's fine.

Lovely for people who built up a, you know, a tolerance, but I...

Oh, do you remember those lovely vol-au-vents we had last year, Orla?

Oh, they were lovely.

I could give you the recipe, Mairead.

No, thanks. Conor won't eat anything you can't pronounce.

Yeah. I'm not a huge fan of the old voodoo vonts.

PHONE BUZZES

Ah...

Excuse me, it's just my, eh, parole officer.

These are delicious.

My cellmates are asleep.

They're not the most sympathetic of fellas.

So the sooner I get to speak to Star, the better.

It's not going to be that easy, boy,

there's a lot of people buzzing around here.

If Siobhan sees me talking to you, she's going to knee me in the balls

and whip Star out of the house faster than you can say...

Happy bir...

Sakes, boy.

Wish I got someone more understanding pregnant.

JOCK CONTINUES TALKING INDISTINCTLY

STAR CALLS OUT INDISTINCTLY Holy shit, boy, was that her?

Yeah.

I wish I was there.

Well...

Well, I've got an idea.

Wait.

Interesting that you're OK

with Star being here.

Oh, Nan. Don't start.

I'm not saying anything.

I'm just saying that Jock will find a way to worm his way back

into her life. Well, then I'll just cut the worm's head off.

But the thing about worms is that if you cut the head off,

it just multiplies.

And before you know where you are,

everyone's got worms.

Conor, can you hear me?

Right, Jock, can you see this now?

That's perfect, boy.

It's like I'm... It's like I'm inside you.

Oh, my God, class. This way you get to see...

You're at the party, and then when the time is right,

I'll find a way of getting you to speak to her.

Oh, you're a genius guy, Con.

It's like being in a James Bond movie.

Yeah. It's like Call of Duty, isn't it?

Get down, get down!

Bang-bang, bang-bang.

The zombies are coming! JOCK MIMICS MACHINE GUN FIRE

Zombies are coming!

The zombies are coming. MIMICS EXPLOSIONS

Fuck you! Get out of my fucking house,

you Nazi bastards!

Remember?

Oh, like you're here, boy.

It's like you're here.

Drainpipes are like a network of tunnels, built the perfect size

for rats so they can go undetected in and out of our houses.

What dumbass thought it was a good idea to put them in every house

in the country? Sorry.

Did you see a rat around here?

Only the one I'm looking at.

HE CHUCKLES Good one.

Hey, Jock, do you read me?

Yeah, boy, I read you loud and clear.

I'm going to show you around.

TONY: Now the new uniforms, in terms of being aerodynamic,

the top speeds I'm getting, they're crazy. They're scary.

Really?

Oh, what the fuck? Everyone look so much older, boy.

Are they waterproof? Somewhat.

They're kind of water-ish-proof.

There's my girl, boy. She's beautiful.

Look at the size of her.

I think you look absolutely handsome, in them, though.

Just be careful there, now, Star.

I think you accidentally hit me with your sword.

WHISPERS: There she is. Can you see her?

Ow! OK, that one seemed a bit less accidental.

Ah, she's only having a laugh, aren't you, Star?

Yeah...

Ow. OK.

Well, it looks like Star's after taking a shine to you, Tony.

So thank you so much for agreeing to be childminder for the day.

Thanks. ..sake.

You better behave yourself cos he's a guard.

I'm not scared of stupid guards. BARRY AND ORLA CHUCKLE

Ah, you must be proud, boy.

She's having great craic, isn't she?

I wish I was there.

I tell you what's stupid,

is somebody starting a life of crime at your age.

Mm.

You're on your last warning now, OK?

Anyway, weren't you getting out on early release?

No, boy, two years is best-case scenario is what they're saying.

Ah, two years won't be long going by at all, boy.

To be honest, you're not missing much, like,

life's pretty boring.

You could end up like Con,

you could be in prison.

OK, Tony. That's a bit heavy handed with the child.

No, I'll tell you what's heavy handed as well, it's that sword.

To be honest, I'd actually rather be there with you if I could, like.

Yeah, that'd be some craic.

You and me in here?

We'd run the place.

"It's ours." Exactly.

We'd have our own business and all, boy.

We'd be taking in contraband for all the prisoners.

Yeah, like smuggling,

bottles of tequila for all the lads and cigars and, yeah...

"Which one of ye lads ordered a new pair of socks?"

Boy, we'd have the prison guards eating out of our hands,

like in Shawshank.

Yeah, we'd be up on the roof just drinking beers.

Me, you and Morgan Freeman. Morgan Freeman.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. STIFLES SNICKER

LAUGHS QUIETLY

Stop, boy.

Stop, Jock, stop.

I'll stop.

I miss you, boy.

I'd like to be there with you if we could, like.

I don't know about that, boy.

Don't get me wrong, like, I'd love the company, but...

I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Definitely not my best friend.

It'll probably be after we've eaten

by the time I get you talk to Star, is that OK?

Huh.

Yeah, nice one. Everyone's quite busy...

What the... Sh! Sh!

WHISPERS: What the fuck are you up to?

Don't tell Siobhan.

All right, just give me...

Give me two minutes.

FLAT TONE

Fuck sake, Con.

Hey, Gringo.

Sorry.

Sake, Con, come on, will ya?

INMATE GRUNTS

HE GRUNTS

No, no, no, no, no.

REPEATS

GRUNTS AND FARTS

Mm-hm.

Oh, what?

My hand?

Wh...why?

IN ENGLISH: Where are you from?

C... Cork.

Cork. More.

Cork city.

It's the capital of Ireland.

So, erm...

HE GROANS

Patrick's Hill, like.

Do... Do you know... Do you know Patrick's Hill?

Mm. You can see the whole of Cork up there.

Erm, we have Murphy's,

Beamish

and Roy Keane, he's from there. Do you know Roy Keane?

Mm-mm. Do you know Cillian Murphy?

Mm. You know him? Mm? Yeah.

Mm-hm. He's from Cork. Ah-ha.

Peaky Blinders. Si.

The River, River, R-River Lee.

Leisure, Leisureplex.

Barry's tea, Tanora...

FARTS Jesus...

Erm...

You just need to relax.

Deep, deep breaths. Si, yeah.

Let it just fall out of you.

PLOP!

I don't have to wait for a boom, do I? Ah!

Ah! PLOP!

You're so cute!

Ah!

Where are you going, Star?

Don't forget your hatchet If you want to go to work

Don't forget your hatchet If you want to go to work...

HE HUMS ..If you want to go to work.

Tony, stop slacking off. Go on.

Tony, she could go out on the roads. Are you just going to sit there?

Are you going to let her run onto the M8?

I'd keep an eye if I was you.

TONY SIGHS Good man, Tony.

Fair play to him.

He'd be a great dad someday.

Do you know he would? He would.

Whoa! Where did you...?

Mairead, I wouldn't eat that meat that I left under your pillow.

HE GASPS

I look just like you now.

GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

Star...

where did you get that mask from?

Come on, Star, you can tell me.

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