Original subtitles

A long time ago in Ireland's capital city, Cork...

Give me your fucking phone!

..there lived a psychotic nutjob... HE GIGGLES

..called Billy Murphy. Oooh!

Billy spent his time mugging and beating the shit out of everyone.

So to pay him back, my best friend Jock found this site on the internet

and ordered a mask of Billy's face.

Hello, Billy.

Ladies and gentlemen...

That was the birth of Fake Billy.

Gettin' summer all I miss Turn it up

That's my shit...

I miss Jock.

Thank you!

We used to have the best craic, framing Billy.

Turn it up, that's my shit

Wrapped up silicone twins...

Fake Billy became a local legend.

Hi, Fake Billy. THEY CHEER

Who's the girlfriend?

I'm not his girlfriend!

And me, his trusty princess,

always by his side...

This is my opinion

Everybody got one

Nah, everybody back it up...

..until three years ago, when my best friend Jock...

..and the hero that was Fake Billy...

..got locked up.

Now, all I have left of Jock

is this lighter.

"To the Godfather of my baby girl,

"from your best friend, Jock."

Don't lose it now. I won't.

There's something special about it that can't be replaced.

The lighter he gave me is my most prized possession.

It's so important to me,

I never let it out of my sight.

Fucking prick!

Give me back my lighter, you bollocks!

I'm here in front of the mural celebrating local Cork criminal

Fake Billy.

At the height of his notoriety,

Fake Billy disappeared.

Now, two years later, Fake Billy has re-emerged and is back reoffending.

But rumours abound that this is an impostor -

a fake Fake Billy, if you will.

Oh, it's not the same guy at all.

About three years ago, Fake Billy was a tall, skinny fella.

I reckon that someone got sent to prison

and that someone got that mask somehow.

He's not the same fella.

The fella now is fatter.

And when he mugs you, there's a lot less care.

He's a rougher mugger.

I've kissed four of them through the mask, like.

No way they're the same person.

They taste...different.

Just cause you look like a duck and...

And rob shit like a duck,

doesn't mean that you ARE a duck.

Do you know what I mean?

The questions everyone in Cork is asking -

who is fake Fake Billy?

And where will he strike next?

Testing, one, two...! Give it back!

I literally just poured you a glass, like.

KNOCKING ON WINDOW

Oh, battlestations!

BILLY GASPS

Oh... Here's...Billy!

HE GIGGLES

Do you want to go for a game of ball? Nice one.

Go on, Conor, off you go. Oh, something smells nice, Mairead!

I'm eating mine in the bog. You're on your own.

There's not enough food for you, Billy, all right?

With Jock gone, Billy seems to think I need a new friend,

which I don't.

And even if I did, I wouldn't pick a violent prick like him.

Conor!

Agh! What the f... Billy!

I got you good. What the fuck was that for?

Mr Fishy wants to know, would you like to go for a couple of cans?

Agh!

What a shot.

Did you see that?

Ah... I'll get it. Yeah.

Shit...

Look who it is! Conor the convict.

I'm an ex-convict, actually. Oh, so you do understand what an ex is.

Like Linda is your ex-girlfriend.

Stop!

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS: Li-i-i-i-nda...

I'm over you...

Linda-a-a, I'm over you...

LINDA SNAPS FINGERS

Hi, Linda. Hi, Conor.

Hi. I moved on. I'm, eh, not thinking about you any more.

Just so you know, like.

OK. Good to hear.

Hi, Star.

Has anyone seen a yellow and black ball?

Isn't it a bit weird that you used to hang out with Jock

and pretend to be Billy Murphy?

And now that he's gone, you've replaced him

with the ACTUAL Billy Murphy?

All right. Firstly, I haven't replaced Jock, all right?

Nothing could replace Jock. SHE SCOFFS

And secondly, Billy's just following me around.

I can't get rid of him.

Gi'it here. Nothing but respect for you, boy.

That's not him.

Sorry, I thought you were the real one. I AM the real one.

No, the real one that wears the mask.

That's the fake one. I'm the real one.

No, you're fucking not. Shut your fucking mouth!

You're just a langer who looks like the real one.

Come here to me, you little fucking prick.

Come here. And if I catch you, I'm gonna kill you.

I'll rip your legs off and I'll beat you with 'em.

I know your mam!

I'm gonna call to the house!

Li-i-i-inda...

I'm over you...

Just, come on. Please.

Ss!

I'm so over you, like! It's not even funny, like.

I'm happy for you. You mean absolutely nothing to me, like,

and...we can just have normal conversations from now on,

all right? And when's that gonna start?

Cos this conversation's definitely not normal. Now.

OK. What would you like to talk about?

Eh, well, that fake Fake Billy prick stole me lighter this morning.

You know, the one Jock gave me for my birthday?

Sorry to hear about that.

Sure you're probably just as pissed off about it as I am, like.

Why would we be pissed off?

Cos we're all a part of that legend,

and whoever that impostor is has just stolen that legend from us.

All that mask means to me

is wasted time with a waster who's now wasting away

with the other wasters, so whoever wants that thing can have it.

He's got a hideout in Kinsale.

Whose hideout? His!

That good for nothing prick.

How'd you know that?

We went to Kinsale a couple of weeks ago, looking at wedding dresses,

and I saw him climbing out of a window

next to the wedding shop with a stolen TV.

Where exactly? I can't tell you that. Why not?

Cos if I do, you'll go after him, won't you?

Well... Chasing after criminals is probably a dumbass thing to do

for someone who's been in prison.

Course I'm not gonna chase after him cos that would be a dumbass thing

for me to do. I know that.

Not that I care what you think anyway, cos I am... Pfft...

..so over you, like.

Li-i-i-i-nda...

I'm ove... Psh! Come on.

So we're going after him, right?

Brilliant. Getting to go on an adventure with you

is gonna be, like, the best thing fucking ever.

And in the end, we actually get to murder someone.

Look, Billy, we're not murdering anyone first of all. OK?

Well, I know that,

sure I was just trying to make it sound exciting, like.

D'you know, the way you and Jock have all these stories?

Maybe this could be one of ours that we could tell people...

Boy, you're not coming, all right?

Why not? Cos...

Every time we hang out, you beat the shit out of me.

Ah, not every time! Yes, you do!

Every fucking time.

Well, I won't this time.

I promise.

Please?

All right.

But if you so much as harm a hair on my bollocks,

I'm never talking to you again. All right? Like, ever. You got that?

Got it.

Come on.

C'mere, you must really like this lighter.

Yeah, I like the lighter.

That Fake Billy prick better be there.

It's fucking seven euro to Kinsale?

That's why only rich people are living there.

I got you covered. My money is your money.

Why do you have a purse and not a wallet like most fellas?

I do have a wallet, but there's nothing in that.

But there's plenty of cash in this.

Whose purse is it, Billy? I don't know, I didn't really catch her name

when she ran away screaming! HE GIGGLES

You robbed it? Where else would you think I get a girlie purse?

If I'm caught using stolen money, I'm going to end up back in prison.

All right, fair enough.

Wait, no, Billy...! Oh...!

We could have still used it, like!

You want the purse, you don't want the purse.

Will you make up your mind?

Look who it is.

Some smell of piss here, la.

What's he on about? Er, just a difference of opinion.

Doesn't matter. About what?

The weather forecast.

I was walking home, minding my own business, when...

If it isn't Conor the convict.

Did you forget your umbrella? It's not raining.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Oh, Jesus! Yeugh! God, it's hot!

Just let it go, Billy, all right?

Them pissing on you is like they're pissing on me.

I just don't want you to escalate things. Come on. All right, langers.

What in the fuck d'you want?

Oh, I just figured out why escalators are called escalators...

Oh! My nose!

Whoopsie!

I think I might have just escalated things. Sure!

Right, which one of ye pricks is fucking next?

BOY WHISTLES

HE MIMES KARATE MOVE

Oh, will you look who it is?

Fucking Boyzone!

HE LAUGHS

Time to de-escalate things.

MUSIC: Give Him A Ball by Sultans Of Ping F.C.

He's a nice young man

It's a lovely smile

He's a nice young man...

It's like Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid.

I don't know who that is!

It's a lovely smile

He's a nice young man

It's a lovely smile

Give him a ball and a yard of grass

He'll give you a move with a perfect pass...

Get the fuck away!

Give him a ball and a yard of space...

Ah, shut yourself...

He'll give you a move with goodly grace...

Hey!

There they are, look.

Really sorry!

Where the fuck have they gone?

Find 'em, will ya?

Are they gone yet?

Cos I'm sitting on a bag of used nappies here.

Looks like they were heading to Kinsale.

What time IS the bus to Kinsale?

Do you think I'd be standing here like a fucking gomey if I knew that?

Does anyone know how to read these bus timetables?

You'd need a fucking maths degree to work them out.

What are you doing?

We need to get to Kinsale,

and we can't get the bus because you made me throw the purse away,

so we can either walk the 30K to Kinsale,

or we can do what yourself and Jock used to do.

Well, I did...

CONOR GROANS

I'm not sure Billy has ever had a friend,

or at least one that he hasn't,

like, beaten the shit out of or robbed.

Being a friend takes practice,

and as nice as it is to see Billy making an effort,

I just wish he wasn't practising on me.

What's that bit between your legs?

You know, the bit between your balls and your ass.

What's that called?

I don't fucking know! What do you think I am, a biologist?

Well, yours must be made out of fucking leather!

Mine is killing me.

Yeah, well, it toughens up over time, like.

Mine's like an old leather couch.

I've got an idea.

If we hang on to that trailer,

it might drag us all the way to Kinsale.

Good idea.

MUSIC: 10 Spots by The Love Buzz

Be careful, though, it's dangerous riding with one hand. Fuck off!

BILLY SCREAMS

Billy!

GRUNTING AND GROANING

Billy, what did I say to you earlier?

That doesn't count as me hurting you.

The road hurt you, not me.

Oh, yeah, fine, all right.

CONOR GROANS, BILLY COUGHS

On the bright side, we don't own the two bikes

that we just made shit out of. CONOR GIGGLES

Oh, I think I broke a rib.

You all right? Yeah, they're always breaking.

That wheel is fucked and that wheel is fucked. Yeah.

But if we put that wheel on that bike,

you might be able to give me a crosser to Kinsale.

BILLY GIGGLES

Fair play, Billy, that's a good idea.

Hey, we won't be able to use it if you do that!

You've gotta hand it to Billy...

Ah! ..he's not someone who gives up easily.

Shake. That's it.

Hey!

BOTH SING: If I was running

You should know that I was running from a hurricane system

If I was running

You should know that I stood my ground a thousand times

If I seemed bothered, well, I think you would feel similar

If they painted your house red with your blood...

Oh, I've got bruises going both ways!

I'm like a fucking hot cross bun. You're grand.

BILLY SIGHS

What have we got here, lads?

CONOR CLEARS THROAT I wouldn't leave that unattended.

We've had a few bike thefts in the area lately.

Oh, Jesus, Gard, that's... That's awful.

Shocking.

BOTH: Shocking altogether.

Yeah, yeah.

Could you tell me, Gard,

do you know where the wedding shop is around here at all?

You're winding me up now. There's five below.

Five? Everyone must be getting married in Kinsale - or is married.

There's no point in trying to get your hole here, or what?

BILLY GIGGLES

See you, Gard.

QUIETLY: Fuck!

Look, Kinsale's only so big.

Let's spread out, buddy. Oh, Jesus!

Sorry! Billy, I've told you already!

I didn't mean... I've told you, all right?

Ah, that was just a friendly... It's your last chance.

..friendly...tap. CONOR GROANS

Stop it, stop it!

All right, Billy, here's our MO -

we go to all the wedding shops till we find the one

Linda's getting her dress from.

Then we find that fake Billy's hideout next door.

All right? Got it.

VO: Wedding dresses are supposed to make people feel happy.

When I see them,

it just makes me want to punch the face off Gavin Madigan.

Do you I think this is it? Yeah?

You look...amazing.

Slaughterhouse.

Can I help ye?

Uh, just wondering, did Linda Walsh get her wedding dress here?

I am Linda Walsh's fiance man.

You're her fiance, is it, yeah? Yes.

And I'm just wondering, did she get her dress here,

so I can get a matching suit?

No Linda Walsh, I'm afraid, so, er...

Are you sure? Will you double-check?

I'm absolutely positive. So sorry, lads.

Now, if you don't mind jogging on out of me shop.

You know, someday we're going to come back

and buy all of this, you know? Yeah.

Big mistake. Huge!

If you don't want people to smoke in your shop,

then you should have a sign.

Right, I've created a group chat called

Kick Conor MacSweeney's Fucking Hole.

If you see him, send a message. All right.

Split up!

If you're ever looking for a free meal,

the "free pints from the bar owner" trick always works a treat.

Lads, the landlady's divorce is after coming through.

If you want to head in, she's giving out free pints.

I'll bring them in for ye.

That's brilliant.

Work away there, lads. Thanks, boy!

Go, go, go, go, go!

The food in Kinsale is actually really nice.

Bit pricey, though.

THEY BOTH CHUCKLE

SEAGULLS SQUAWK

Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

Uh, yeah, sure.

What do you like about me?

Uh...

Uh... I'll make it easy on you.

I'll do you first.

I like you because even though

I don't think as clearly as most people,

you take the time to listen to me and you don't judge me.

Thanks, Billy. Don't thank me, thank yourself,

because you're such a good person.

Now, what do you like about me?

Take your time...but make it good. HE GIGGLES

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... Don't take too long either, though.

Uh... Come on, spit it out.

Sorry. Uh, you're loyal. Loyal?

Yeah, well, look, apart from me mam, you were the only one who gave

a shit about me when I got out of prison.

So I guess, in your own way, you were there for me,

so, loyal, yeah.

Loyal?

Dogs are loyal.

Well... And I like dogs, so...

..I'll take that. BILLY CHUCKLES

I'll be your dog.

BILLY BARKS LOUDLY Jesus Christ!

Why are you so tense around me all the time?

Cos I never know if you're going to laugh or punch me in the face.

I'll be honest with you, I never know myself.

And it's a total balls,

because I think it's started affecting

my relationship with people.

If you gave yourself a few moments before you react,

you might not end up punching someone every time.

Yeah, that's a good idea. We might give that a shot.

Could you say something nasty to me?

Billy, I don't think that's a good idea at all.

Just to practise.

Go on, go on.

OK.

Billy, you are a crazy dickhead...

Jesus, like. Sorry. Sorry.

Billy! Muscle memory.

Go again? Yeah, yeah.

This time, all right, just take three seconds before you react, OK?

Yeah, yeah. All right.

BILLY CLEARS THROAT

Billy, you're a headcase scumbag, and nobody likes you.

One...

..two...

..three.

You actually fucking think that, though, don't ya?

You think I'm a headcase scumbag? No, man.

Argh!

Oh, shit! I'm, sorry, I didn't mean that!

I'm sorry, it's the... Get away from me, boy.

Do you know why nobody wants to be your friend?

It's because you're a psychopath who robs your neighbour

and beats the shit out of everyone. I said I'm sorry!

Look, why don't we go and look for that Fake Billy fella

and we can get your lighter.

Just leave me alone!

I don't ever want to see you again, all right?

Are you OK? Move!

UNDER BREATH: Fuck, fuck...

BILLY GRUNTS

THICK, THICK, THICK, THICK!

Shit!

THICK, THICK, THICK, THICK!

Shit! BILLY WHIMPERS

LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE

Got ya.

What's the craic? Are you OK?

Yeah, why?

The... Oh, right.

Sorry, it's fine.

I just walked into a wall.

Listen, happens to the best of us. Yeah, yeah.

Is there something I can help you with?

Yeah, did a Linda Walsh buy her wedding dress here?

Oh, I remember Linda.

She was in a couple of weeks ago. Gorgeous girl.

She is, yeah. Are you the groom?!

I am, yeah. Didn't you do very well for yourself there?

I did, yeah.

To be honest, you're probably punching above your weight a...

Yeah, fine. Is she there in the book? Yeah, yeah, hang on.

Uh, Linda... So, you're Gavin Madigan?

QUIETLY: Yeah, yeah, that's me.

She had nothing but good things to say about you.

Yeah, well I... Very considerate guy, apparently.

I'm not that great, all right? I'm a bit of a weasel.

Wait till you see what I've done for the suit for you -

absolutely fantastic. Come on, it's out the back.

Great.

You'll have to try it on.

Perfect fit.

Yourself and Linda are going to look wonderful on the big day.

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY Good to meet you.

I do.

WHISPERS: I do.

LINDA, FLASHBACK: And I saw him climbing out of a window

next to the wedding shop with a stolen TV.

Jesus.

CLANG!

Who's there?!

Oh, fuck.

All right, Colonel Pissy Pants?

SINGSONG: Come out to play-ay!

There's nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,

no-one to protect you.

Right, back off!

HE IMITATES BOXER

I'm warning ye! Oh, I'm gonna piss all over you -

in your ears, on your toes.

I'm gonna rip off your head and piss down your neck!

What's your thing about pissing on people, boy?!

I don't know, I just really like it.

Makes us all look a bit fucking weird, don't you think?

I'm just gonna batter you.

HE WAILS

Oh, you're after hitting my sister!

Oh, that's your sister? You all right, Claire?

Claire?

Are you all just gonna stand there like pricks? Get him!

I would never... No!

Let me go!

Finish him off! Get it away!

Below the neck, below the neck!

Just get it over with, God damn it! CONOR WHIMPERS

What the f...?

Let me go!

Cock shot! Argh, my dick!

GROANING AND WAILING

Sorry, boy. Sorry.

Let me at him!

Get him!

Go on, go on, go on!

CHAINSAW ROARS

Get out of here!

CHAINSAW ROARING INTENSIFIES Run!

Run!

Who do you think you are robbing my lighter?

My best friend gave me that lighter!

You clearly have no code,

because every langer knows you don't steal shit from people

that is of sentimental value.

It's just mean!

Don't get me wrong,

I appreciate what you did back there, but I'm all conflicted now

because you really pissed me off,

and you don't own that mask either, so take it off!

Take off...

..the mask.

ARGH!

Take off the mask!

Take it off!

Take off the mask!

Take it off!

Take off the mask!

The only person who has a right to wear that mask

is my friend.

Your days of wearing his mask are over, boy!

GAH!

BILLY GASPS, WAILS

Billy?

You're like one of them Russian dolls.

What?! When did...?

I found the mask about a year ago down Devil's Walk.

At first I was going to burn it,

because it caused me so much pain throughout the years.

But then I thought...well, like,

everyone hates me, but they love Fake Billy.

I wanted to know...

..what if I put on the mask?

How would it feel, like, to be a version of me that...

..well, that everybody liked?

BILLY BREATHES HEAVILY

Would you like a hot chocolate?

You've got low-fat milk?

I got marshmallows.

Hiya! Hi, mam.

Billy, not a hope. Get out!

Mam, I invited him to stay for dinner.

Is that all right?

Well, it's not like you've given me a fucking choice now, is it?

I don't want to be any trouble.

I'll head off, like.

You're grand, Billy. Come on, sit down.

Come on.

Thanks, Mairead. All right.

Mm!

Jesus, Conor, what happened you?! Huh?

Oh, right.

Me and Billy went out on a bike ride to Kinsale,

and Billy had this bright idea to hold on to the back of a tractor.

And the bike went from under me.

And we were riding and he was like ET in the front.

MAIREAD LAUGHS I was like that Evil Knievel fella.

Do you remember him? He used to go over the buses and stuff.

That's what it was like. Yeah.

You're enjoying that, anyway. Oh, it's lovely.

Does Tony have any dinner, then?

No, that's Tony's dinner. Even better!

VO: We don't always get to choose our friends.

He'll probably bring home a load of doughnuts anyway...

VO: Sometimes they choose us.

And the ones that do choose us...

Ah, lads, give him a break.

BILLY AND CONOR LAUGH

..they're usually the ones who need a friend the most.

I'm here in Cork, and with me,

I have the man who was the inspiration behind Fake Billy.

Mr Murphy, how did it feel to have your identity stolen?

The last few weeks

have been an incredibly difficult time for me and my family.

I feel not only has my identity been stolen, but my reputation too.

Every crime has a victim, and this victim's face is mine.

And the fact that the face that commits this crime is also mine

is like a double hard pill to swallow.

Thank you to An Garda Siochana and all my friends and family.

I would ask you... CROWD HECKLES

please to respect my privacy at this moment.

Fuck off!

Such is the effect of such a shocking crime.

I'm gonna kill ya!

Dibnah Derocha, reporting from Cork.

They're gone.

That's good.

I own this prison.

It's mine.

One, two, three!

MUSIC: First One (Electro Remix) by DJ Bad Finn

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0