Original subtitles

One of the great things about Cork City is we've got our own prison,

so you don't have to walk far when you get let out.

Try and stay out longer than a week this time, MacSweeney.

Right, yeah. Fuck off.

Conor!

Agh!

I am your welcome home committee!

Welcome home! CONOR WHEEZES

Would you like a biscuit?

Now that I've got let out of prison for, well, the second time,

I've decided to really get my shit together.

PHONE BUZZES

MUMBLING: Oh, Sinead O'Connor, you...you are...

You are my... Sinead O'Connor...

That means things like never being late for work.

Ah, shit!

Shit!

Shit!

Agh!

Why didn't you wake me?

I did wake you.

You said, "Fuck off, I'll follow you later."

I thought that was yesterday.

I'm running out of patience with that dipshit son of yours.

Anyone for smoked mackerel?

Conor!

Got to find a new job. I know, Pap, but, look, he's just out of prison.

He's got no education. No-one's going to want to hire him.

You can add me to that list.

DREAMY ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

DARK MUSIC PLAYS

SHE CHUCKLES

Gavin fucking Madigan.

Linda, look who it is -

your ex, Con.

Ex-con - get it? HE LAUGHS

Hi, Conor.

DREAMY ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

MUMBLING: Hi, Linda. Hi.

Hi. Hi... Hi, Linda!

Oh, sorry. Didn't... I didn't recognise you there.

I see you're back doing the same old ding-dong

as you were before you went into prison.

No, I'm not doing the same old ding-dong.

This is just a stop-gap ding-dong

until I move on with my career ding-dong,

you fucking ding-dong! What career's that?

Criminal ding-dong?

No, I'm going to be, er...

..a businessman.

A businessman? Yeah. You have to go to college for that.

You don't even have your Leaving Cert.

Well, er, I...

I'm doing my Leaving Cert at the moment.

That's great, Con. Yeah, thanks.

Well done.

No offence, but if there's one person in the whole of Cork

that would never pass their Leaving Cert -

well, that's you. Gavin!

What?

Look, I'm sure Conor has his... charm.

You wouldn't have ended up with him when you were children

if he didn't have something, but we all know he's not the smartest.

That's total bullshit, boy. I...

I might not be the smartest, but I'm not the thickest either.

I bet you 50 euro I pass it.

Why not make it 100? Why stop at 100?

Double it. Make it 200. Why not?

Why not make it 500?

Five... What are you doing?

We're supposed to be saving for the wedding.

This is easy money. It's not a real bet,

cos Conor doesn't actually have 500 euro.

He doesn't, but I do.

I'll cover the bet.

1,000 euro!

What?! No, we're not making it 1,000!

All right. What? 1,000.

Two! Make it two. Not another fuckin' word, all right?

Sorry, I thought... 1,000 euro.

Loser pays up on the day of the results.

Grand. Now fuck off.

IN IRISH:

What you want? I was going to get something,

but clearly the two of them can't be left in a room together.

You using the discount for exes?

Idiots.

1,000 euro!

No, that's the honeymoon gone now!

1,000 fucking euro! Yeah...

What the hell, like? I...

I don't know if I can pass this. Conor, look...

REPORTER: The upcoming Leaving Certificate exam dates

have been released,

causing widespread panic among this year's students

as they prepare for the most important exam of their lives.

We are bred to think about the Leaving Cert from day one, really.

All your teachers are telling you, "You have to do great in this."

Horrible time in my life, to be honest with you.

To this day, I have nightmares.

Terrified. Stress.

Are you looking forward to doing your Leaving Cert? No.

They can't sleep, they can't eat,

and they can't look at the telly.

Oh. Mairead?

Hey, how are you?

Um... Never better.

Well, it's, like, one o'clock in the day,

and you're still in your dressing gown.

Laundry day. I like to wash everything at the one go.

Look, Conor has decided to do his Leaving Cert, OK?

He needs a tutor. I'm happy to pay.

Hah!

No, not a chance.

The only thing I ever saw him pay attention to in school

was the fire alarm -

and more often than not, he was the one that set it off.

It's occupied. What are you doing?

It's not a bathroom. It's a laundry room!

Look, I'll make you a deal.

There is nothing you could offer me.

Maybe I could help you get back with Orla.

DOORBELL RINGS MAIREAD SIGHS

Look, I've had to do a lot of begging and pleading to get this,

so don't fuck things up at all, OK? All right.

Me and Barry don't have the best track record

when it comes to him being my teacher.

He can get pissed off over the tiniest of things.

Fuck-arse bastard!

Wahey!

Expelled!

You're so, so, so expelled!

How's it going, Barry?

Principal Walsh, if you don't mind.

OK, Mr Principal Walsh.

Mam says you see a lot of potential in me.

A potential disaster,

which I'm going to try and help your mam avoid.

You've given her enough heartache.

All right. OK.

I've taught the Leaving Cert for 23 years

in the most academically challenged school in the entire country -

and in that time, there were kids I'd written off as total deadbeats

without a chance on this earth of passing the Leaving Cert,

and they still managed to scrape a pass.

So maybe there is hope for you.

Most people have two years to prepare for a Leaving Cert.

You've only got five months, so we need to get to work.

You'll be doing Art, Maths, English, Irish and Business Studies.

You'll have one practical assessment, five written exams,

and you'll have one oral exam that we'll need to prepare you for.

I'll probably fly through that one

cos Linda always said I was good at oral.

THEY SNICKER

Sorry, Barry.

Did you ever...do the oral exam

with a...with a student? THEY SNICKER

I'm so sorry. Sorry, Barry.

For the oral you said you need...

..was it 69%? THEY SNICKER

I'm sorry, Barry. Sorry, Barry.

So, just to be clear, um...

..that's you.

I won't piss on you again like last time, you know.

No. Yeah. How are you, Dad?

Good to see you, son.

I know you two have a little wager going on.

Gavin was very sportsmanlike. He didn't object to you using

the school facilities at the last teacher meeting.

I think we all know that the odds are heavily tipped in my favour.

MacSweeney.

Gavin.

We address teachers in this school as "Sir" and "Miss"

so if you could try that again.

Sorry, Miss.

Address me as "Sir" or you'll never step foot again in this school.

Sorry, Sir.

That's more like it.

No earrings allowed. Hand it over.

Nah, that's not happening.

He's not technically a student at the school.

And I know that, Barry,

but didn't you always say that the reputation of the school

depends on the rules followed by everyone?

No exceptions.

I'm just trying to follow in your footsteps, Dad.

Mm. Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks for being so helpful.

No problem, Conor. We're just trying to support you the best we can here

at Saint Finan's. Oh, you're so thoughtful.

I'm so lucky to have you looking out for me.

Well, you know me, Conor - always thinking of the less fortunate

such as yourself. Yeah? Yeah.

Is that so? Yeah, that's so!

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah! How so?

Listen, I'd love to sit and chat, but I actually have kids in there

that I have to teach, you know,

who have a hope of passing their Leaving Cert,

so, Dad, I'll see you later.

WHISPERS: Bye-bye!

Why does he call you dad? It's so weird.

Are you speaking Irish now or what?

Cos it just sounds like a dog kind of choking on some fatty meat.

Conor, do you know what a square root is?

Is it the part of the square that's, like, under the ground?

LAUGHTER

Conor MacSweeney, would you like to give me a summary

of what you've learned today?

OK, Conor...

..22%. Yes!

A pass is 40%.

Out of how much?

We've been at this for two months

and I think you know less now than when we started.

What year was Leonardo da Vinci born?

I'll say...

..1972.

He was a Renaissance painter, not a Hollywood actor.

He was born in 1452.

Why do you think you keep getting the questions wrong?

I'm not any good at it, like. Why do you think you're not any good at it?

Cos I'm not smart, right? Is that what you want me to say?

Do you actually think that?

Think what? Do you actually think that you're thick?

Well, you're the teacher, you tell me.

I want to hear what you think.

It is what it is. I wasn't any good in school.

I'm not exactly a speed reader.

I went to prison for something stupid as well.

I wasn't even the smartest person in there,

and that's saying something. And that makes you thick?

All right, Barry, you don't have to keep saying it.

Well, what's wrong with me saying it if it's true?

You're a thick fuck. Stop.

I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking.

You do know that, don't you?

People take one look at you and they say to themselves,

"There goes one thick fuck just walking down the road."

Stop fucking saying it! Does it make you angry?

Yeah, it makes me angry!

Yeah, well, let me tell you something about thick fucks, Conor,

cos I've taught a lot of them in my time.

Thick fucks think they're smart.

It's the people who think they're thick that are actually smart

because they're clever enough to know the difference.

Now, what year was Leonardo da Vinci born?

1452.

Yes! Yay.

If you think you're a thick fuck,

then that's all you're ever going to be.

Look in the mirror and repeat after me.

"My name is Conor MacSweeney and I am not a thick fuck."

My name is Conor MacSweeney and I'm not a thick fuck.

Again! My name is Conor MacSweeney and I'm not a thick fuck.

You're not a thick fuck!

My name is Conor MacSweeney and I'm not a thick fuck!

Yes! I'm a genius!

Well... OK, don't lose the run of yourself.

Conor, when you get a chance to later on,

would you mind getting me 12 brill, please?

Sure. Do you want me to fillet them as well?

Yeah, sure. Thank you.

Oh. Er... I actually have a study session now on my lunch break.

Do you mind if we do it after? Yeah, sure.

It doesn't have to be out till three. Yeah.

All right. Right. Thank you.

Let's learn!

So would you like to know what your Leaving Cert result would be

based on our last assessment?

All right, fine. So, how low?

Well, you're averaging an O6.

CONOR SIGHS

That's a pass, Conor.

What? Yeah.

Don't mess with these brains, boy!

That's it! Fucking genius!

Conor. Hey, Orla. Barry. Gavin.

Look, I know you've been asking Mairead

to put in a good word for you, but could you tell her stop?

Cos all she does is go on about how wonderful you are.

I'm just here for Conor!

Do you know what I'm going to do for you, Conor?

Just because I'm sound and I've already won at life,

I'm willing to call off the bet just so you can save face

for whatever face you have left.

Cos, what is it? Two weeks today, exams?

It's just not enough time - and it'd be unfair to hold you to it.

Thanks, Gavin,

but I think I'm going to respectfully decline your offer.

I'm feeling pretty confident in myself.

Why are you talking like you're in court?

Come on, tell me to fuck off or call me a prick or something.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Gavin, I don't think that language is appropriate,

all right? It's kind of ruining the atmosphere of the nice view.

That's rich coming from the cocaine-dealing convict.

Gavin!

What? He is, isn't he?

I think I might leave before Gavin gets more upset.

He's a bit fragile today. Thanks, Sir. Appreciate it.

See you, Conor. Linda, good to see you.

Gavin, fuck you. All right. Good luck! See you later.

See you after. Barry.

That was too far. That was uncalled for!

I'm sorry, OK? So disrespectful! No need!

Yeah, I heard you were teaching here. Jeez, it's great to see you.

Listen, I hate to do this now, but you remember that time

my mam got you off of that drunk and disorderly charge?

I'm going to have to call in that favour.

I knew this was coming.

You're like the bloody Godfather. Who?

The Godfather. You know?

IMITATES MARLON BRANDO: I'll make him an offer he can't refuse.

The Godfather.

I've never heard someone speak like that in my life.

The actor, Marlon Brando. The Godfather.

Sorry, I don't know what you're on about.

OK, just remember, the Irish oral exam,

it's just a simple conversation. That's all it is.

He's going to ask you basic questions.

You're going to give him basic answers.

The worst part of it for me was the Irish oral.

I remember, like, being absolutely petrified.

You'll go into your Irish oral exam

and they'll ask you a bunch of questions in Irish,

you just respond to them in Irish.

And you don't know what's going to come up, and you just start end up

talking about how much you like your mam and you have three brothers

and all this kind of stuff.

Someone who can fully speak Irish attempting to have a conversation

with someone who can absolutely not speak Irish at all.

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

CONOR CLEARS THROAT

HE COUGHS

Er...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE SPITS

Does that mean say it again?

HE SNIFFS

HE SIGHS

Listen. Try not to stress about it.

Stress will only make it harder to concentrate. OK.

I mean, yes, if you fail your Irish oral,

the chances of you passing the Leaving Cert are zero.

So yes, there's a lot riding on it,

but don't let it get into your head, OK?

Erm...

HE COUGHS

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Oh, come on, Conor! Barry?

I thought you might like to meet Moira.

She's the new head of the state examination commission in Munster.

Congratulations on the new role. Thanks, Barry.

Actually, Gavin was just telling us there about all your charity work

with a former convict.

He's not just any former convict.

I think it's safe to say that he's the worst student

ever to pass through St Finan's.

All the teachers used to have a nickname for him.

They called him Zero because that's what he got in all of his tests.

You must like a challenge, so.

Boy, did he get one.

If you really want to test your skills as a teacher,

you need to start with a student that is at rock bottom.

Definitely. Like Conor MacSweeney.

What are you looking at?

It's sad, but some students just don't deserve the help,

if you ask me.

Right. Yeah.

Hurry up.

Hey. What was that about? Trashing school property?

Fuck off. How did your exam go?

How do you think it went?

It was a fucking load of shit, wasn't it?

I just felt like an idiot in there.

The Leaving Cert's just bullshit, I'm done with it.

It's only one exam.

I had hope in you.

Maybe you are just a thick fuck after all.

Yeah, I might be thick, but at least I'm not full of shit.

What's that supposed to mean?

You're only helping me so you can get back with Orla.

Yeah, boy.

Haven't you got studying to be doing?

No, I messed up the Irish oral, so it's pointless doing the rest of it.

We spoke to Gavin, though, and called off the bet

so you're not going to lose your money.

It's only part of an exam. You can still pass.

Hi, Mairead. Hi, Linda?

Is Gavin there? Yeah, he is.

Yeah. Can you put me on loudspeaker?

Gavin, it's my money.

The deal was with me and not Conor.

The bet is still on.

What are you doing?

You're going to lose.

I'm used to it, Con.

I've been betting on you your entire life.

And, yeah, it's probably a million to one

that you'll actually turn out OK, but, like...

..if I don't bet on you, who will?

HE GROANS

Conor, you tried to pass the Leaving Cert their way.

Now we're going to have to do it our way.

We're going to have to cheat the shit out of this.

Oh, only thick fucks cheat.

Bullshit. Only thick fucks get caught cheating.

Listen to me, right?

Non-cheaters pass the Leaving Cert

by using the top half of their brain.

Cheaters use the bottom half of their brain.

It's where all the clever thinking is done.

So you've got to be extra smart to cheat.

You've got to be extra smart to cheat.

MacSweeney! Stop right there.

What are you doing? Just a random search for cheat notes.

Just totally random.

Yeah. Who else are you checking randomly? Nobody.

Actually, you're the first and probably the last as well.

No, I was assigned to examination secretary,

so I'll be in the exam hall.

Every time you have an exam.

I know, I know, your convict brain will be thinking of ways to cheat.

But I will be there to stop you.

Off you go. Try not to fail too quick.

You have two hours and 50 minutes to complete this exam.

Your timing is now.

If you're feeling stressed If you're feeling low...

And all you have to do is stick it on your head. Right.

If you're feeling low If you need some help...

ON HEADPHONES: ..is a door into the dark. Outside...

Let me know, let me know Let me know

If you're Billy No Mates and you've no chance, let me know

Billy No Chance Billy No Mates

Billy No Great Shakes, come on

Let me know, let me know Let me know

If you're Billy No Mates and you've no chance, let me know

Billy No Chance Billy No Mates

Billy No Great Shakes, come on

So you think you're not cool People mock you

Peeking blinky at opportunities confused Yeah

Confidence bruised Insignificant events

Proved in your view as the be all and end all

You wish all them dopes would freefall into a hellhole

Well, you know what they say Can't beat them, join them.

There's a poignant point for your cranium, coin it

And by that I mean I'm your boy that will change it all for you

Get embroiled... Conor!

Conor!

I work for Billy Murphy.

If you're Billy No Mates and you've no chance, let me know.

Pop quiz, hotshot.

Where is the one place a teacher will never look

for a student's cheats? The back of your hands.

Ehhh! Wrong. It's your dick.

A teacher will never check your dick,

because if they even think about it, they'll get arrested.

There's not a lot of real estate down there, like.

Not when it's small. When it's big. Big.

You get a lot of theorems down there when it's big, if you write small.

OK, think big, write small.

BOTH: Think big, write small.

Big dick, write small.

Come on.

How come you didn't need any help on the bus this morning?

Finally.

Minus B plus or minus the square root...

OK, minus, minus B.

Come here.

He's been going back and forward to the toilet like a pensioner.

He's cheating. I know it.

SHE SIGHS

That's it. No more toilet breaks for you, boy.

Last night I got into the school

and I wrote all your business studies cheats

on the bog roll in the last cubicle.

Nah, Gavin's banned me from using the toilet.

Oh, fuck.

And that is why I got you this.

Nobody said cheating in the Leaving Cert was going to be easy.

What is it?

This is your passport to the bog.

I'm really looking forward to spending that thousand pound

on a romantic honeymoon away with Linda.

Eh?

Nobody said cheating in the Leaving Cert was going to be easy.

This is your passport...

..to the bog.

HE SWALLOWS

STOMACH GURGLING

STOMACH GROWLING

Oh!

Sorry about this, but I got a terrible case of the shits.

HE BREAKS WIND

Oh, that smells serious. Hurry up and get in there.

I warned you about him.

Aye, lad, he's got genuine shits. I smelt it.

Oh...

Agh!

Oh, God. Oh, shit.

Shit is right. No more cheating for you.

Oh, I'm going to shit myself. It's an emergency!

Not a hope. Get out of my way!

Gaah!

SQUELCHING

Ah, fuck.

What was that?

The apocalypse.

Oh!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

What's happening to my hole?!

Agh! Feels like it's turning inside out.

It looks like you need to go home to get changed, Conor.

It's a pity you won't make the rest of your exam.

I'm going to do them. I'm going to fucking do them.

Here is a student so determined to do their exam,

they're willing to do it covered in shit.

CONOR RETCHES

We're teachers, and the teacher's job is to help a student learn.

And the ones we need to help the hardest

are the ones that need our help the most. Yeah?

Conor here has made mistakes, and no-one has judged him worse

for those decisions than me.

But he's trying to turn his life around.

And all of you, you should be ashamed of yourselves as teachers

for standing in his way.

Particularly you, Gavin.

But I didn't do anything.

I'm sorry for judging you.

The best of luck with the rest of your exams.

You know, it's people like you that we need,

with your commitment and your loyalty to the education

of the students with the commission.

CONOR RETCHES AND FARTS

You give me a call if you'd like a change of career.

Thank you.

But I'm a teacher.

And teachers teach.

Come on, Conor. Come on.

Conor, you got this.

Look, don't worry about it, all right?

Like, I'm really proud of you for just even trying this and...

All right. It's here.

Oh!

I did it.

I passed, I passed everything.

You what?!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! The first person in our family to pass the Leaving Cert!

THEY SQUEAL

I even passed business!

Oh, my God, I thought I was shit at business.

Oh, look at you, Mr Businessman.

It turns out cheating the shit out of an exam can be even harder

than just studying for it in the first place.

Yeah, my other tracksuit bottoms are covered in shit,

and I couldn't get it out, so...

You have to give him the money. Don't deserve it.

He's not getting it.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

I am so smart. The smartest.

Sorry to interrupt. He's got something he has to do.

Just fuckin'... Yeah. I'm doing it.

You're taking your time.

Now, wasn't that hard.

You deserve it.

You passed them all. Barely.

60 points!

Isn't that the minimum?

Congratulations on passing.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks, Linda. Er...

Use this to get whatever dress you want.

I just want you to be happy on your big day.

Are you sure?

It was your wedding money, like, so it'd be wrong if I didn't.

Thanks.

Barry. Orla.

Yeah. Drinks on me!

You should be proud.

Even though I cheated the shit out of it,

I think passing the Leaving Cert has had a positive effect on me.

It's like a part of growing up as an Irish person

that I'd missed out on. Something to be proud of.

Everyone knows the Leaving Cert's a load of bollocks anyway.

Now you tell me, like?

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