Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

My name's Conor MacSweeney, and this here is the secret

to my success.

Fuck school. It got me nowhere. Expelled!

Fuck college. Need school to get in there.

I'm an apprentice of living life to the max

and I've had more max than anyone.

I've done what I want,

no-one got in my way and I came out on top.

Jobs are for dickheads.

Life is for living, not for doing some shit you don't want to do

for some other prick that tells you you've got to do it.

Tell the man to go shove it up his hole.

I've needed nothing from no-one.

And I know that's a double negative, but I don't give a flying fuck.

Don't become one of them plebs that pays taxes and does

what the government tells them to do.

If you go along with all that bullshit, you're not free.

You're trapped living life by someone else's rules.

Then fuck it, you may as well be locked up in prison.

So I guess you're wondering how

I ended up in this hotel for dickheads.

Jock and me were given a free holiday in Colombia from some

Spanish speaking fella Jock met on the internet.

All we had to do was bring back two heavy coats

for his friend in Ireland.

Jock, there's our gate.

I'm going to get some tortilla chips for Mam.

You just keep a low profile, all right? Cool.

Hey, get me salsa and a spoon. A spoon?

Jock!

BARKING Whoa, whoa! Oh, fuck.

Shh, shh, shh!

Whoa!

That's just washing powder, I swear to God, boy!

Jock!

Jock got an eight-year sentence in a Colombian prison.

Get your hands off me! The Irish Embassy's going to hear

all about this, boy.

IN SPANISH:

I knew it wasn't a free holiday.

Luckily, I managed to make it all the way back to Cork.

But I didn't quite manage to get out of Cork Airport.

That's just fabric softener.

Boy, you've got to be one of the dumbest young fellows

I've met in my life.

Can you call me mam?

You're not a young offender any more.

You're an adult and an international drug smuggler.

When you say it like that,

it actually sounds pretty cool.

Oh.

Does this sound cool?

You're sentenced to six years in prison.

No!

Yes!

Linda!

No, no, no.

I'll be out in a week. I'll be out in a week!

Linda! Linda!

No, please!

I'm too young!

Get your hands off me! SHOUTING

No, you can't do this to me. No!

Scrub harder with your brush, MacSweeney.

MOCKINGLY: Me-me-me-me-me-me.

Prick.

I heard you crying in your cell again last night.

Do you want me to tell the other prisoners?

No. No. Then scrub harder with your brush.

One of the old convicts in here told me the only way

to survive prison and not let it affect you...

Lock up on cell four.

..is to turn your heart into a piece of black coal.

SOBBING

LOUDER SOBBING

Me mam got Healy to pull a few strings, so I got out in three.

See you, fuck face.

Bet it won't be long, you dickhead.

Ah, what's that smell?

It's freedom, baby!

Woo!

It's also the dog shit you just stepped in. Huh?

Ah, well, nothing can bring me down today, like.

Ah, it's good to see you, Mam. Not a hope.

You put me through three years of hell.

What the fuck, like?

OK. Let's go.

Not with shit on your shoe. Not in my car.

Get it off!

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit excited about getting home.

Prison release parties are meant to be the best craic ever.

And Mam's been putting on a good show, pretending like nothing's

going to happen.

My new home!

Put your clothes in the laundry and wash your hands before dinner.

You've got to stop talking to me like I'm a child, Mam.

I'm an adult now. I flew the nest, remember?

You didn't fly anywhere.

You fell out of my nest where you were being taken care of,

then you went to prison where you've been taken care of.

And now you're coming back into my nest

where you're still being taken care of.

HE GIGGLES

Now, there better not be a surprise party here for me.

I'm not expecting anyone, so...

Ah, you shouldn't have!

But I didn't.

Mam always throws shit parties anyway.

I would have probably left five minutes after it started.

So this is the new gaff? Mm-mm.

That the wedding? Yeah, it was great fun.

Oh. Thought maybe you'd be decent enough not to wear your uniform

on my first day out of prison.

Thought it might make you feel more at home.

Con, do you have anything to say to Tony?

Well, how about, "Thank you for allowing me to stay

"in your gaff, Sergeant Healy.

"I really appreciate it."

You're welcome, Conor. I didn't say that.

That was Mam using her hands to make it look like I was talking.

Really? Like a "venturlicast bunny"...

"Venturliquest"...

It's "ventrilikezy".

This is where you'll be staying.

What is this, a hot press?

My jail cell was bigger than this, and I had a TV and an en-suite.

Well, knowing you, you'll be back there soon enough,

so you won't be missing it for too long.

We'll leave you to get settled in.

Lock up in cell four.

Prick.

Part of the deal of me getting out of prison early was to have a job

to start working in that wasn't selling drugs.

So Mam got me my old job back selling murdered fish instead.

Just be grateful, all right? All right.

Thanks for a few hours, Pat.

More than welcome, my man. Everyone deserves a second chance.

What's with all the cameras? They weren't here before.

Well, we didn't have ex-convicts working here before.

HE MOUTHS

Right, what do you want?

That's gone off. That's gone off, that's gone off.

That's definitely gone off.

Where are you off to? I'm just going for a walk.

Jesus, do I need permission for that now?

You won't be accidentally walking over by the Walshes' house,

I presume, because, you know, they're this close to taking out

a barring order against you.

You'll go straight back into jail if you do. Obviously not,

cos that would be a stupid thing for me to do. I know that.

Promise you won't? Huh?

I said, "Promise you won't."

MUTTERS QUICKLY: I "hummus" I won't.

What?

I "hummus" I won't.

Did he just say "I hummus"?

I think so. Actually, I wouldn't mind that for lunch.

Hummus? Yeah. OK.

Ugh, that's gone off. That's mank.

Before I got locked up in prison, there was only one man standing

in the way of me and Linda being a happy couple,

her dad - Barry Walsh.

Luckily, he's no longer a problem cos he moved to Crazytown.

Now, love, would you like some sprinkles?

I'll give you sprinkles,

you choc-ice-looking, chilly-willy bastard, you!

Hi, Terry?

Yeah. It's just when I said retirement, what I actually meant

was a sabbatical.

I do know the difference.

Don't patronise me.

Do up your top button, will you? Look at the state of you.

Hey, Lego head, get a haircut.

HORN HONKS You get back! We're going this way.

Get back, get back!

Why don't you sort this out before I come down there and...?

Terry? Terry! Terry!

HORN HONKS Single file back...

Don't you wanker me! I know you.

I taught your brother and he was an idiot as well.

HORN HONKS

PHONE RINGS DISCORDANTLY

Hi. Hi, honey.

Yeah, milk and a loaf of bread. No problem.

I don't need therapy!

The two of you need fucking therapy.

Get out of the house. You're not coming back, ever!

So with Barry Walsh out of the way, there's just four women Walshes

living in the Walshes' house.

Mrs Orla Walsh,

Siobhan Walsh, her daughter Star Walsh,

and the kindest, most intelligent, beautiful woman Walsh

of them all, Linda Walsh.

What?

Hold on.

Oh! Oh, Jesus.

MUFFLED SHOUTING

Billy? What are you doing?

WHISPERING: Keeping you out of trouble.

I'm not in trouble.

Who's that there?

Really?

It's me, Billy Murphy.

You got a problem with that?

What are you doing outside our house?

Picking magic mushrooms. Sure, what else would I be doing?

Have you got any left? No. I ate them all.

We should probably go before they start taking effect.

Linda, I hear your boyfriend Conor got out of prison.

Yeah, ex-boyfriend, right?

Well, I hear he's a very sexy ex.

He's been in high demand with all the ladies

and not just the convict ladies. With some normal women, too.

Billy!

I heard he's riding all around.

Nice to know he's enjoying himself.

Yeah, he's probably got genital warts now,

so good thing he's not sticking it into you, Linda.

He does not have genital warts!

Yeah. How do you know?

He showed me his dick.

You fucking...!

OK, them mushrooms are definitely taking effect.

Look, Billy, would you just walk away from our house

as far as possible?

Er... Billy, could you pass a message on to Conor?

Yeah? Will you let him know I'd like to meet up with him.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I've a feeling he'd love that.

How about, erm, tomorrow at, erm...? Bell's Field! Bell's Field!

1:00 o'clock tomorrow on Bell's Field?

Yeah. That works. Come on.

Nice to see you, Linda.

You too, Billy. Siobhan, you not so much.

Oh, kiss my hole! Will you tell your Mam I was asking for her?

No!

Hold, hold, hold.

Now.

THEY LAUGH

Thanks for that.

Oh, Christ! That was for before.

Oh, before what? Before you went to prison. Ah!

I owed you one.

What did I do to piss you off?

I don't know, I can't remember. That was three years ago. What?

Ah!

You know, he's going to try and get back with you?

He might have moved on. It's been three years. Yeah.

Three years in prison time.

Prisoners don't understand time the way we do.

For us, time is a straight line. And for them, it's a circle.

Like, everything goes around and around

and that's why they keep ending up back in prison after they get out.

Don't forget why you're here.

You have to tell him.

The only reason Siobhan's here is to fanny block me.

Do you think you could, uh, distract her for me?

No problem. Sure, I'm basically just a walking distraction.

HE GROANS

For the past three years, all I've been doing is thinking

about Linda and looking forward to holding her in my arms again.

This is the moment I've been waiting for.

Hey, Linda. How's it going?

Hi, Conor. Good to see you.

Hi, Siobhan.

I didn't know you were going to be here. It's a nice surprise.

I'm Linda's chaperone.

Most women don't meet convicts on their own. Siobhan!

No, it's OK. I can laugh about it now that I'm out.

Some of the darkest moments in our life are the most funny,

isn't that right, Siobhan? Like, you probably think it's hilarious

that you were the youngest girl to get pregnant at our old school.

God, it's nice to be the best at something. Good for you.

Wait. I thought Frannie was younger.

Nah, she got pregnant in Junior Cert, which would make you think

she was younger, but, uh, she got held back twice.

Well...

Well done, Siobhan. Oh, fuck you, Linda!

Hey, Siobhan, could I just grab you for a chat there for a moment,

if you don't mind? About what?

Well, it's kind of sensitive.

I'd rather the guys not hear what I have to say to you, you know?

Um, you're aware of the concept of rumours, right?

Do you want to sit down?

I wiped all the shit off the bench earlier, so should be...

Should be fine. Thanks. Go on. Go ahead.

I heard a rumour. Yeah, what's the rumour?

I'm going to tell you the main components of the rumour

are this, right?

Three men, two bottles of champagne, one hotel room,

and you.

Oh, Denise McCarthy, the fucking slag!

Now...

Oh, yeah.

Boom!

Yeah. Got some tattoos in prison. Ah.

Yeah.

Anyway, how are you, anyway? I'm fine.

I'm... I'm fine. Yeah?

Good. I'm glad you're fine, too. Yeah.

Erm...

Boop!

Do you remember you did that to me when we first met?

God, them were the days, huh? We need to talk.

Yeah, yeah, I'd love to talk.

I love talking. Any time you want to talk,

I'm your guy. There's so much to talk about.

Where do we begin, you know?

I know where I'd like to begin.

Mind if I begin first, and then you can begin after that?

Yeah. It's just that I have a feeling that maybe you and I

are both thinking the same thing.

And if you go first, then you won't really know if I was actually

thinking the same thing as you, do you know? Con.

Yeah? I need to tell you something.

I think I know what you're going to say.

You've been seeing other people, that's cool.

I've been seeing other people, too.

Really, or...? Yeah.

Well, uh, no, not really, but, um, I've been thinking about other

people, do you know what I mean? Anyway, let's not talk about that.

That's all in the past.

But, now that I'm out it'd be good

if sometime in the future, you might just think

about going on a date...

On a date with me?

Like, not now, not today, but maybe next month or something.

Or whenever, or now, or just whenever.

Just think about it, that's all I'm saying.

I've just been having such a shit time that now that I'm finally out,

I feel like I've been given a chance to be happy.

I just want you to know that I'm feeling really positive.

I want to keep this good energy going and just not let negative

things knock my train off its tracks.

Anyway, what was that...? What was the thing you wanted to say?

It's fine. It's grand. Never mind.

Great. Boy, I'm glad we ironed that out!

They say to be a good parent, you have to give tough love.

But when it comes to me mam, she takes it to the next level.

With her, it's just tough shit.

Sit down there a minute. I want to talk to you.

Will it take long? It'll take as long as I want it to.

Or you can put my beer back in the fridge.

You have until I finish drinking.

I heard you met up with Linda up in Bell's Field.

Had your spies out, did you?

I just bumped into her, like.

Bumped into her? Mm-mm. Randomly? Mm-mm.

On your second day out of prison?

Yeah, we actually had a really good conversation.

I'm going to ask her to get back with me.

Get back with you? Conor, no-one wants to go backwards.

Well, then I'm going to ask her to go forwards with me.

You've been in prison for the last three years.

Any woman like Linda who's got her shit together, she's not

going to want to have anything to do with you now. The best thing

that you can do is get your shit together.

And when you've got your shit together, find a girl who's

just about got her shit together, and you can start afresh.

Any woman who knew you when you didn't have your shit together

is always going to be thinking of you as the fella

who didn't have his shit together. And even if she does get back

with you, the fact that you usen't to have your shit together,

when stuff goes wrong, it'll just come right back up

and bite you in the hole.

Linda's all I've got left.

Everything has changed, like. Jock's gone.

Healy's living in my house. Ah, no, it's not your house.

It's myself and Healy's house.

But I'm your son, so I'm going to get the gaff eventually.

Yeah, well, Healy doesn't smoke, so he's going to live out both of us,

so good luck with that.

Hey, love. Hi.

Want a smoke?

Jesus!

Of course Barry would buy a shit blender

that doesn't work.

Piece of shit.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, girl. Hi. You out of vodka again?

Let me see if I have any. No, no, no, no. No, no.

It's, erm... It's Conor. He, er...

He seems to think that he and Linda are going to get back together.

Oh?

Well, that's great.

Uh, look, I was just wondering if I could, uh, speak to Linda

for a minute. Just give me two seconds with her.

Yeah. No problem. Linda!

Hi, Mairead. What are you doing here?

Are you fucking serious, Linda?

Him? Of all people?

With Jock gone and me just out of prison,

there's only one person in the whole of Cork I can drink a beer with.

But that comes with a hefty price.

Ah! What the...?

I was only messing. That wasn't clear!

You must be devastated by your ex Linda around town

with another fella.

You're full of shit. Full of shit.

You're always full of shit.

Everything you say is full of shit.

That's not true. Some things I say are not full of shit.

And this is one of them.

I saw her with my own eyes yesterday,

I swear down on my mother's grave.

You saw him holding her hand or something?

That wasn't all he was holding.

Holding her shoulder?

Down a bit.

Down a little bit more and around to the back.

Get your hand off her!

You're a fucking liar.

All right, boy, don't go shooting the messenger.

Find out for yourself if you want.

You...! Fuck! Take a breath.

We need to strategize.

People don't like when ex-cons call around to their house and overreact.

I'm not overreacting. It's just that if she was with someone else

yesterday, she should have probably told me.

But it doesn't matter, because she would have told me so

when she does tell me today that she wasn't with anyone else,

everything will just be back to normal.

It just happened.

Nothing just happens. I guarantee you

he went after you just to rub it in Conor's face and make him

feel like shit. That's not true. He's different now.

He's... He's kind.

He's loving. Ugh, I don't want to hear it.

Oh, this is going to kill Conor.

OK, you need to tell Conor as soon as possible

before someone else does, all right?

I promise I will.

Orla, can I use your jacks, please?

Of course, girl, it's just up the stairs.

You know where you're going? Yeah.

Remember the plan. Calm and polite.

Yeah.

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS

DOORBELL RINGS INCESSANTLY

Come on!

Oh, looky who we have here.

I need to speak to Linda.

Yeah, well, she's not here, so piss off! She is.

I can smell her Jean-Paul Gautier.

I'm not leaving till she comes out and speaks to me.

Right, change of strategy.

Let's trash the gaff. You get that.

Linda! Linda!

He's being very reasonable.

Linda, I know you're in there.

Conor, you fucking eejit!

Linda! BANGING

Oh, you're kidding me.

SHOUTING

I'm coming, Conor, you prick.

The bunny or the gnome, Linda.

Linda!

Wherefore art thou, Linda?

LINDA!

KNOCKING

What are you doing here?

I told you not to come over uninvited.

Yeah, but you never invite me

so I invited myself, and it's half my house,

so I think I'm entitled to invite myself over from time to time.

Go home, Barry! This is my home.

Not any more. Why's the blender in the bin?

I gave you that for Christmas.

It never worked properly.

That's a perfectly good blender, that is.

That's what you do with things that don't work the way

you want them to. Ha! You just chuck them out of the house.

Get out, Barry, and take that shit blender with you

and make those shit green smoothies that nobody likes!

Orla!

Let me talk to him. I want to get it over and done with. No!

That is not the same Conor that you knew before, OK?

He's been hanging out with murderers and kidnappers

for the past three years.

He's very angry and probably violent. Linda, don't listen

to your stupid sister. Come out and talk to me.

Shut up!

He's still just Conor, right? I'll calm him down. No.

Linda! The guards can calm him down when they get here.

How do you know the guards are coming?

Um...

Siobhan!

RADIO: Come in, all units. There's a report of a small fella

that's just got out of prison

causing a disturbance outside a house

on Hawthorn Estate, Mayfield.

Conor, you little bollocks.

Linda, I know you're in there!

I just don't understand the obsession that men

have with the women in that house.

Please just come out and talk to me.

Come out and talk to me, Orla!

Ah, they bring it on themselves,

they're so fucking good-looking.

They want to bring it back a peg or two.

That's what I had to do to keep men away.

Don't make me do it!

Argh!

Orla! Let's wreck the gaff!

Linda! Let me in!

Woohoo!

Now!

Orla! Orla, please!

Hey.

Principal Walsh.

Conor.

Linda! Orla!

Linda!

No, don't, don't! Don't.

Hey.

Hi, Linda. Hi. Hi.

Sorry about all the commotion.

I just wanted to talk to you about something. Um,

so, uh, I had a really good, good time with you earlier.

That was good.

But then this fucking prick, Tommy, said that he seen you

and some fella kind of feeling each other up around town

for everyone to see. And I was saying, "No way,"

cos of how we were earlier, you know, like,

laughing, huh? And chatting.

And if you were going out with someone,

you...you would have said it to me, right?

So it's fucking...it's bullshit, like, isn't it?

It's bullshit. Um...

Conor...

Oh, shit!

Come on, Conor, you need to leave. No, no, I just...just...

Two seconds. No. Remember, I'm speaking to you as a guard.

You're just out of prison, and it won't take much for them

to throw you back in there. No, no!

I'm not leaving till she answers me.

Goddamn police brutality!

Shut up! Guys! Linda!

Argh! I'm seeing someone else!

I'm seeing someone else.

Oh. Well, um...

That's fine. Um...

I just wanted to hear it from YOUR mouth.

Do I know him?

Conor, I'm so sorry.

She's going out with me.

Gavin fucking Madigan?!

THEY ROAR

CHEERING

Well, this is unexpected.

And we're getting married.

Oh, God. Oh. Oh, great.

That's another one of you pregnant.

I'm not... I'm not pregnant.

Right? Show him the ring.

Show him!

It's a diamond.

Are you sure?

It's hard to tell - it's so small.

I'm so sorry. You know...

No. No, it's fine. It's actually...

Honestly, I would say today...

It's the best news I've heard all day, all year,

actually, to be honest. It's actually good.

It's a good thing. Really? Yeah, no, I'm delighted, aye.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Yeah, if it was anyone else, I'd be devastated.

But, uh, Gavin Madigan, your fiance,

is just a scummy little piece of shit.

Yeah, I am right here.

Oh, I know.

Oh, I see you right there.

All right?

And Linda probably sees something good in you

because she's a good person.

But I fucking know you.

And eventually you're going to break her heart.

And when she dumps you into the gutter,

oh, I'll be there.

Big Con'll be waiting patiently.

Because I fucking love you, Linda.

Like PROPER love.

The kind of love that keeps you going for three years in prison.

The kind of love that Gavin Madigan would never understand

because he's a selfish little prick.

The kind of love that your dad clearly understands

when he's thinking about your mam.

The kind of love that your mam understands

when she has a nice big glass of Sauvignon blanc, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

The kind of love that nuns understand

when they're thinking about Jesus.

Like PROPER love.

I waited three years for you.

I'd happily wait 100 more.

And as for the rest of you

thinking nasty shit about me just cos I was in prison,

fuck you all.

You better get used to me being around because I'm out.

SIREN BLARES

I am a free man!

Yeah. Right...

Hi, lads. Come on. What?

No! Get off me!

Come on.

Tony! I warned him, all right?

Get off me! No! No!

No, no! Linda!

Linda! Linda!

Give me a phone call!

Leave him alone, you fucking Shawshank pricks!

Come and take me.

I'm not going in!

Yeah, you're a big man. He's only a child!

Linda!

Linda, I love you!

SIREN BLARES Linda, I love you. And you.

My name is Conor MacSweeney, and this here is the secret

to my success.

Don't let minor inconveniences like going to prison...

Lock up on cell 4.

..affect your moral judgment.

You know what's right,

and everything everyone else tells you is wrong

unless you agree with it.

Also, Gavin Madigan is a prick.

I still own this city.

It's mine.

One, two, three...

MUSIC: First One (Electro Remix) by DJ Bad Finn

Pump up the bass!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0