Original subtitles

You really had to go the long way around

To get yourself in a fix like this.

Tabby, if pa finds you bustin' through that fence...

Then we'll both get our hides pinned to the barn door by pa,

So you'd better quiet down.

Man: Hello, violet.

Who-who are you? Where are you- where are you from?

Out of the sunrise, from the shine of the rainbow,

The county of the dragon, from castle vermillion.

I, sir, am don chimera de laredo,

And your obedient servant.

Y-you lost?

Nay, stripling, now how could we be lost since we are here?

Uh-uh-uh-uh, the-the main trail's half a mile over.

You shouldn't have any trouble findin' it.

By my road gates, here is a young guard who has come through

A grave personal peril, to rescue the damsel in distress

From durin's fire, and allows her to flee to the arms

Of her waiting prince!

Superb, stripling, superb.

All it was, was a pig stuck in a crack in a shed.

Wasn't even a girl pig at that.

Aw, gadzooks, lad. Now, dole me not with miserable details.

Yeah. Well, excuse me, I've got some wood to cut.

Halt!

Kneel! Kneel, I say! Kneel.

You-you-you're not gonna cut off my head.

Pa wouldn't like that.

Silence! I dub thee sir mark mccain, knight of the realm,

Peer of the manor.

Rise, sir mark.

How did you know my name?

Who-who did you say you were?

Don chimera de laredo.

This is my squire, gates.

It's nice to meet you.

Now, I-I better get back to my work.

Hold, sir mark.

Would you refuse hospitality to a knight errant in a far land?

I tell you, sir knight, when my lord lucas mccain shall hear-

You know my pa?

Do I know your pa?

Well, boy, after all the crusades I've shared

With your pa, I know 'im like a brother.

Course he probably knows me best by my lay name, don le garde.

Gosh, mr. Le garde, I-

Ah! Don chimera de laredo.

Use the proper form of address.

I've heard 'im talk about you quite a bit.

Of course, it was a long time ago.

Yeah, life is a long time ago.

Gates, good man, tether ye the mounts, if you will.

Now, come, sir mark, I would see the inside of yonder castle.

What brings you down here, mr. Le gard?

Well this, young sire, is armageddon,

I'm here to kill a man.

Who?

His very name chips my teeth.

W-what is his name?

His name, sir, is colonel black.

Co-colonel black, he's the other man

That you an' pa rode with.

Is he here?

No, he isn't, I've never even seen him.

Well, fret you not, sir knight, he will be soon.

And when he comes, feast your eyes on a blaggard,

Because he won't last long.

Oh, but now, sir knight, surely the castle mccain spreads

A board of pies and pasties?

And possibly a sucklin' pig or two?

Stuffed with a chicken, stuffed with a squab, hmm?

Stuffed with a nightingale.

We maybe have some stew.

Oh, what could be better than stew? Lead on, mccain.

What have I told you about lettin' strangers in here?

Oh, these aren't strangers, pa, this is mr. Gates.

Gates?

Howdy. I'm foreman for don le gard.

Don le gard?

Why, I haven't seen that buck- watch this.

Amigo! Cuidado, hombre.

Uh?

Federales.

Que?

Los federales. Federales!

Fede-

Federales!

You rogue! You blaggard!

Almost had me convinced those mexican police had us.

And us, innocent as babes, save for, uh, what was it?

500 head or so of mexican mavericks?

Ah, those mavericks were branded, don.

Oh, nay, lucas.

Sounds like rustlin' to me.

Oh, don, you'd better clear up my good name right now.

Sir mark, I would have thee know that thy pa rode with us

Under the impression that we bought those cattle.

But, uh, through an oversight, uh, through a mishap,

Really, we hadn't.

And when we couldn't show him a bill of sale,

He rode right off an' left us.

Rode right out and left them, son.

Oh, and you should've stayed, lucas.

Oh, that was only the beginning,

If you had stayed you'd be a rich man today.

I'm satisfied.

oh!

Say, whatever happened to our old friend colonel black?

Still fightin' the civil war?

I'll not sully my tongue with news of black.

Let him speak for himself.

He'll be here before the sun hits the noon mark.

Colonel black's comin' here?

Now look, I haven't seen either of you fellows in all this time

An' you both show up together.

How come?

There's somethin' between us, lucas.

Something that only will be solved on the field of honor.

And since you're the only man we both trust,

We've chosen your place to do mortal combat.

Mortal combat? I thought you two were friends.

Friends? Oh, yes, we were.

But I won't be duped and cozened and lied to and challenged,

Not even by a friend.

Come on now, don, it can't be that serious.

The man must die!

I'm off to the stable to prepare my steed for combat...

With my lord's permission?

Gates, if you please.

Well, come on, son, let's clean up these dishes together, huh?

Pa?

Hmm?

Is mr. Le gard for real?

Does he look real to you?

Yeah, but I don't think things look real to him.

Oh, but mark, everythin' depends on the way we see it.

Most of us have to live in the time we are born to,

Whether we like it or not.

But some folks are rich enough in money an' imagination

To live any time they want to.

Don just happens to like the 15th century.

But don't folks think he's kinda funny?

Oh, don't be fooled, son, he knows exactly what he's doin',

An' he has a real time doin' it.

Is he really gonna fight colonel black?

Well, not if I can talk them out of it.

Hiya!

That's colonel black?

That's colonel black.

Mark, you've heard about the charge of the light brigade.

Watch this!

Where is he? Don chimera, stand forth an' meet your destiny.

Lieutenant mccain!

Colonel black, it's nice to see you. How've you been?

Lucas, my boy, it's been too many years.

It certainly has been too many years.

Lookin' as good as ever.

Well, you're a sight for sore eyes yourself.

Oh, well, who's this?

This is my son, mark.

Oh, how do you do, son? This is my aide, scoobo.

Scoobo. Well, it's good to see you again, you old renegade.

What? Oh, that's all in the past.

I'm a respectable businessman now.

Oh? Well, how long will that last if you an' don have it out?

Oh, he's here?

He's here.

Oh, I suppose he got to you first, huh?

Well-

I suppose I'm the sneakiest no-good

That ever slapped flesh to leather.

He didn't say that.

Oh he didn't, huh? Then he's even sneakier than I thought.

Well, I can see you two haven't changed a bit.

Oh.

Aha!

At your pleasure, sir.

Sir, in 20 minutes.

Uh, colonel, will you tell me something,

What is it between you two?

Ah, lucas, my boy, I think I could use a drink.

All right.

Uh, you wanna lay a little bet on it?

Sure, same bet?

Uh, let's...Kick it up a mite.

Okay. 20 dollars.

Let's make it 100.

You got 100?

What's the difference?

It will be just like it was the last time,

He'll never go through with it.

High stakes makes it much more interestin'.

Just bet what you've got, scoobo.

All right, I've got 63 dollars.

Oh, well I've only got 57.

You're on for 57.

Hmm.

You know, scoobo,

It seems to me they were more serious this time.

Well, as you know, don an' I weren't always, uh...

Quite legitimate, but that has changed now.

Shortly after you last saw us, a battle started between us.

The campaign has been unrelentin' over the years.

I have seen my men fall one by one.

My men wiped out, week after week!

Their fusillades decimatin' my men at arms!

An' my knights destroyed.

Until at the very end- through treachery, mind you-

My castle itself was at stake.

Well, it sounds like a range war!

Ah, oh, no, boy, much more serious than that.

It was a chess game!

A chess game?

Well, more exactly, 1,606 chess games.

As you know, lucas, don an' I have adjacent spreads,

So we played chess three or four times a week.

Now, I've won 817 games and he's won 789 games.

I lead him by 28 games!

Now, look, colonel, I don't know anythin' about the game,

But I'd wager you're two of the worst chess players

In the whole world.

Yes, well that's-that's entirely immaterial.

What does matter is that a year or so ago, don took to cheatin'.

Now beware, beware, lucas, of a man, a chess player,

Who plays with his elbows low.

Did you ever think of playin' a supervised game

To settle this argument?

It's gone much too far for that. Gone much too far!

Then black began to cheat,

An' I had to brand him for the rascal that he is.

And he struck me, he threw down the gauntlet.

Now colonel black must die.

Well, couldn't you do a lot better over a chess board?

It's hard to win against cheatin', young man.

Oughta be kinda hard to cheat against...

Against watchin'.

My pa an' I-

Sir mark, in armageddon, there must be only one triumph.

The classical against the modern.

I can defeat don at any time, be it with a pistol or pony.

He knows nothin' about chess.

Then why aren't you more games ahead of 'im?

My dear lucas, you'd have to know the game to understand.

You're not interested in the game,

You're only interested in beatin' don.

I'm interested in killin' don!

So you're gonna prove you're a better chess player

Because you're faster on the draw?

That you're a better businessman

Because your competition is dead?

You will prove nothin', except you've been afraid.

Now listen here, lucas, I'm afraid of nothin'!

You're afraid of not winnin'!

Failure can be one of the most frightenin' things in the world.

A lot of men would rather die than accept it.

I fail at nothin'!

You failed to convince yourself

That you're the better chess player.

Any time a man pulls a trigger on a gun, he's failed. I know.

The enemy willing, I'll be very happy to give you

A practical demonstration of the art of chess any time.

All right, I'll talk to don.

Hey, now that it's gonna be just another chess game,

You wanna let the bet ride?

We bet on the winner of a contest.

Now there's gonna be a contest.

You can knuckle under if you want to.

Oh, I-I'll stick with it all right.

No hand.

No hands!

I'd put my queen's pawn to knight's pawn five,

Then you'd have to defend your knight. Well, move it.

well, I'd move it to queen two,

Then I'd go for a queen to rook seven, sacrifice.

but you're down! You're down a pawn!

never you mind.

Well, time the boss men got some drinks.

now, when you take those drinks out there,

You watch yourself.

A dollar a game is one thing, this one's for 57 dollars,

So don't get fancy!

I wouldn't think of such a thing.

Well, it's time you gentlemen had some refreshments.

Here, sir?

Thank you.

Colonel?

Hmm? Oh, thank you.

What the devil is goin' on there?

What is it, gates?

What's goin' on there?

There's a rattle snake in the wood pile.

Scoobo, you watch this end, I'll go get a broom.

I think I missed him.

My ma always told me the only way to get a rattle snake

Is with a broom.

Something about the straw makes them curl up an' die.

Well, I guess he got away.

Rattle snakes, you gotta watch 'em all the time.

Yeah.

rattle snake!

Now, it's still my move, I believe.

Hold it, sir!

What's the matter now?

This castle has been tampered with.

Well, it's in starting position, how could it be?

I can see that.

But when the shootin' started, it was one square out.

It's just where it belongs, it never was.

Yes, it was!

Go back over the moves, my dear colonel.

When did you move that piece?

Lucas, I appeal to you, was it there or was it not?

Look, to tell you the truth, I don't remember.

It was there once, I saw it.

There you are, you see, the man is a cheat!

You knave! You scape-gallows!

That castle is just where it should be.

No, it is not, sir!

Just a moment.

Let's see how many of my pieces you've managed to move

During this diversionary tactic.

How many of your pi-

I am a gentleman, sir! I am an officer, and a man of honor!

And I am a knight, and a lord of the realm.

I will not deign to do combat with bare hands

Like some churlish slavey. I choose weapons of honor.

Are you familiar, my dear colonel, with the cold duel?

Naturally, sir.

Then you are aware, sir, that that blow you struck

Comprised a challenge? And that I have the choice of weapons!

Vamos!

Pa, aren't you gonna stop 'em?

The modern soldier is afraid, is he,

To face ancient weapons? Ah!

Here's an ancient weapon, and one that's full of honor.

The broad axe.

So, you steadfastly refuse to do battle in a civilized way?

Very well, sir.

I tell you that I shall meet you with cold steel

And no other way.

Your blade, sir.

Prithee. Wouldst thou finally apologize?

Apologize? Me?

Do you admit, sir, that you moved my castle?

Wouldst have me speak the lie

That should leap like a viper from thy mouth? Never!

My patience is at an end, sir.

Now prepare to meet your death!

Prepared I have always been.

I have yet to meet the better man.

Just hold it. Wait a minute.

Calm down. You know, I've been thinking. I don't know too much

About chess so I didn't watch the chess men, I just watched

Your hands and they were all four visible at all times.

Even when you were served your drinks,

I saw both your hands during the whole thing.

The fact is I...Was watching yours so closely,

There was another hand I didn't watch, wasn't there, scoobo?

Well, I don't know what you are talking about,

Why would I move the chess men?

Well, I don't know, unless you had, uh, something to gain.

Did you, scoobo?

Well, I might have moved it accidentally.

And after the rattle snake story you moved it back accidentally.

No, I knew he moved it, I just wanted to avoid trouble.

Ah, now it all comes clear.

Remember the many times they served us coffee and drinks?

Yes, of course.

That was-

At ease, corporal!

How long have you been interfering in our games?

-A year. -Six months.

Oh!

You just-

Why?

Well, we both happen to like chess.

We had a couple of side bets going.

Well, did it ever occur to you to start your own game?

Well, that wouldn't be any real challenge, playing one man.

No, the interesting part was figurin out how they both think.

And then adjusting for their mistakes.

Mistakes?

How dare you?

Figuring both their strategies and then counteracting

With a minor piece on the outskirts of the action.

Yeah, that takes plannin'.

Am I to infer that both of you deem yourselves such masters

Of the game that you think you can beat both of us?

At the same time.

In different games.

Drop those gun belts!

Nay, allow me!

What are you gonna do?

I'm going to watch a chess game between both of you gentlemen.

The winner gets fired, the loser gets dead.

But you can't kill a man over a chess game.

What do you think I came here to do?

Check mate.

That's-that's amazing.

Well, that's witchcraft!

I have never seen such tactics.

Scoobo, how long would it take you to teach him that?

Oh, about six months.

Gates, how about you?

How long would it take you to teach don those kinda tactics?

Oh, maybe a little longer.

What?

Well, you see, your whole approach to the game is wrong,

You play chess like it was checkers or hopscotch.

Don chimera, six months from this date

I challenge you to a game of chess.

Well, consider that flung gauntlet taken up.

A goodly joust with merry hearts, and a stout company.

Adieu, mes amis. Adieu.

Golly, pa, I'd sure like to do that.

Play chess?

No. Pick my own favorite time to live in, like them.

Oh? When would you pick?

100 years from now.

Why then?

Well, just think!

No wood to cut, they'd grow it in the right size,

And chickens lay eggs and bring them right into the house.

Then you just save your ice so that you have it in the summer

Time, and cows give milk in mason jars and-

And leave it right in the ice house. Oh, and pa, well, you-

You don't wash the dishes, just eat them for dessert.

And no school.

Instead, you can learn everything in the whole world

Just by reading a- a little book with 16 pages in it.

Now wait a minute. Just where do you learn to read?

Oh, well, there...Might be a-a year or two of school.

Mm-hm.

Well, while you're figuring a way around that school,

See if you can also figure a way around that wood pile.