Original subtitles

Oh, Tina, look at you, girl.

Yes, and look at you.

- Oh, oh-oh, look at my husband. - Oh...

Looking like a chocolate snack.

Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

You better know it.

What kind of snack am I?

Ooh, uh, you are looking like a...

smoked gouda on a Triscuit.

Ooh!

- You better know it. - Yeah.

- Mm. - Oh, Dave,

that's what you're wearing to the concert?

(LAUGHS)

Boy, white people get to wear anything.

Well, at least his toes aren't out this time.

Looking all long and weird.

- Hey-hey. - TINA: Oh!

There's our beautiful mother-to-be.

Sorry we're late. I was gonna wear something else,

but I grew out of it as I was putting it on.

Ooh, yes.

Dave, you're not getting dressed?

Damn it! I am dressed.

Calvin, thank you so much for getting us these tickets.

We are huge Toni Braxton fans.

Ah, you're welcome.

And just so you all know,

this counts as everybody's birthday and Christmas gift.

(CHUCKLES)

Excuse me?

- Uh, not you, babe. No... - Oh.

? Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ?

? Welcome to the hood. ?

Calvin, thank you so much for getting Grover a ticket.

You know, we played Toni Braxton for him in utero.

It is so perfect that this is gonna be his first concert.

He is so excited.

Well, damn, he doesn't look excited.

He looks like he's ready for bed.

Grover, come on. You're gonna love it.

This is the music you grew up on.

I like her music.

I just don't want to go to my first concert

with a-a-a bunch of old people.

Who's he calling old?

- Who the hell... ? - Okay, babe, babe, babe, babe.

Hey... you know what? No, I'll give him a reason to go to bed.

Now, Grover, go home and put on a real pair of pants.

- Now. - Oh...

My Triscuit went from gouda to pepper jack.

Now, are you sure you're up to going out like this?

Oh, yeah. I want to make the most of the last few weeks

before Daphne arrives.

Yeah, and tonight is about fun.

No stressing about the massive, life-changing event

that's looming over us.

I may miss a few songs, though.

This baby is breakdancing on my bladder.

Ooh, fear not. I have mapped out

- every bathroom in the arena. - Oh.

Mm-hmm, and I packed a baggy of that sliced ham

that you go crazy for.

Mmm, that's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, come on. Give me some. All right.

He's got a pocket full of ham,

and I'm getting grief about khakis?

Marty, that is so nice to see.

I know you and Courtney are just friends,

but you're such a good pregnancy partner.

Just like I was. Chip off the old block.

Really? 'Cause that's not how I remember the old block.

- Okay. Okay. Are you comfortable? - (GRUNTING)

- I'm supposed to make you comfortable. - (GROANS)

Do I look comfortable to you?

And stop touching my pillow!

Mr. Butler, the baby's coming.

- He's crowning. Look. - (HUFFING)

Uh, you-you know what? Uh, I'm good. I'm good.

You, uh, you, you do that.

I-I mean, you're the one that went to medical school and everything.

Calvin. Calvin, Calvin, Calvin!

- Get the camera ready! - Okay.

- (GROANING) - Okay. All right, um...

Okay. Uh, Doctor, um, you... you think while you're down there,

you could, you could get some footage for me?

(TINA HUFFS FASTER)

I'm kind of busy right now.

Nurse, forceps?

- (CRYING) - All right. Okay.

- All right, I got it, baby. I got it. - Ooh!

- We gonna see it. - Calvin!

- Calvin! - We gonna see it. Here we go.

Oh, Lord, that's a lot of blood.

Oh, God.

I'm going down.

(SCREAMS)

He wound up with a concussion.

And me and Malcolm got out of the hospital before he did.

Look, I was ready to go.

But you know, when you got good insurance,

they want to milk it.

As soon as I got out,

I did all of the fatherly duties.

Fatherly duties?

Mama said you ain't changed a single diaper.

I didn't change 'em, I bought 'em.

(PHONE CHIMES)

(EXCLAIMS) Guys, I have an announcement to make.

As a thank you to Calvin for getting us the tickets,

I have hired a driver to take us to the show in luxury.

Well, all right!

? ?

Trey? You hired Trey?

I am supporting a Black-owned business.

(MURMURED AGREEMENTS)

Trey, where'd you get this van? Is it even legal?

Of course it is. I got it from the police auction.

Oh, God.

This traffic is terrible.

Not for us, baby.

Look what the police left in here.

(SIREN WAILING)

Trey, I know that ain't legal.

People are getting out of our way.

Wait, so, uh, so, Pop, you really passed out when I was born?

Calvin, come on. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.

You know, sometimes we are just not our best selves under pressure.

God, I remember when we were pregnant,

we were exhausted.

"We"? What did you do?

Oh, Dave was very, very involved.

- Ooh... ! - Okay, uh...

What do you need? Ice chips? Water?

Let's just, let's just breathe. Um, want me to sing?

No.

Twice was enough.

- (GROANING) - Ooh.

Honey, y-you look hot. Uh, let's mop that brow. Uh...

Sponge!

You don't get to say that.

Must you fight me on everything, Donna?

I understand it's go-time in here.

Ooh. Damn it, you know what? I missed that.

Do you mind taking your entrance again

and maybe saying something like "It's showtime"?

Dave. Stop it.

Okay, honey, you look tense. You know what?

Let me put on my special mix CD.

Toni Braxton's "Let It Flow."

Am I right, Donna?

(SCREAMING)

You doing okay? You want an epidural?

- Last call. - Yeah, yeah. Yes. Make it a double!

- (GROANING) - Uh, Gemma.

We agreed that we would do this naturally.

We changed our mind.

(GROANING)

I-I hate to use your words against you,

but you did say, "No matter what,

don't let me get an epidural."

(PANTS) You're right, you're right.

I'm sorry. Come here, honey.

(GROWLING): Give me the drugs! I want the drugs right now!

- Do you hear me?! - Get her the drugs!

Get her the drugs! Donna, get her the drugs!

Check this out. You can still see

where Gemma dug her nails into my neck.

All the pain was worth it

because we got our healthy, happy baby boy.

I hate my life.

Well, he's healthy.

Uh, Trey, you can't go this way. It says "Do not enter."

They just say that so you don't enter.

- (THUDS UNDERNEATH) - (ALL EXCLAIM)

Were those traffic cones?

I hope so.

VIP entrance?

Are you sure we're supposed to park here?

Look, I don't care as long as we're close.

These shoes are cute, but they were not made for walking.

DAVE: Uh, excu-excuse me, Trey.

Trey, uh... if you get a parking ticket,

- that's on you, right? - Oh, no, that's totally on you.

- You should have read your contract. - Well...

Well, there wasn't a contract.

Damn it.

My bad. Sign right here.

- Oh, my God. - You don't have to sign that.

The name of your company is Ride with Your Boy?

(CROWD CHEERING)

? I pull up with the blick, blick ?

? I pull up, make your clique flip ?

? I pull off in the whip ?

- ? And I skert ? - Skert!

- (LAUGHS) - ? Skert ?

- ? Skert... ? - Skert!

Hey, man, Lil Side Baby's killing it.

You know, I just googled Lil Side Baby.

And it said he played Stevie on Hannah Montana.

- What? - What? No, that is him. He did.

Yeah. He-he won a Kid's Choice Award for that.

That must've been before the face tattoos.

LIL SIDE BABY: Thank you, L.A. Good night.

(ALL CHEERING)

- CALVIN: Lil Side Baby! - Yeah!

Yes! Thank God.

- Let's get some Toni! - Whoo!

- Sorry. Excuse me. - Excuse me.

- Excuse me. - CALVIN: Hey.

You guys get your merch?

Yes, we did. Toni Braxton T-shirts.

And Dave just had to get a Lil Side Baby cozy.

- Oh, yeah. For my kombucha. - (CHUCKLES)

Everybody loves a cold booch.

Yeah.

ANNOUNCER: Who's ready for Toni Braxton?

(WHOOPING, CHEERING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

- Oh, my God! - I know, it's exciting, right?

No.

My water just broke.

Oh, no, you can have mine. Take mine.

No, Marty.

My water just broke.

What now? Oh!

- Water broke! Water broke! - What, what, what, what?

Baby, you think she can hold it for one song?

I mean, these tickets were kind of expensive.

Calvin!

I mean, you think she could hold it?

- Mama! - (STAMMERS) Okay, come on, come on.

Let's move, people. Move! Out of the way.

? I pull up with the blick, blick ?

? Skert, skert ?

- Trey, Trey, Trey, Trey, Trey. - ? Skert. ?

Come on. We got to go. We got to go, man.

Oh. That was quick. I'm still charging y'all for four hours.

Come on. Courtney's water just broke.

Aw, hell no.

Because y'all family,

I'm gonna give you a discount on the cleaning fee.

- (GRUNTING) - Oh!

- Contraction... - Okay, let's get her to a hospital.

Sorry. We blocked in. See that van right in front of us?

- That's Toni's, and she busy for a while. - Aw...

Oh, Trey, I told you we couldn't park here.

Guys, I'm trying to call the doctor.

Does anybody have a signal down here?

- No. - No.

I cannot believe this is happening.

You know what? It-It's going to be fine.

I'm missing Toni Braxton. I mean... can you hear that?

I'm pretty sure that's the bass from "He Wasn't Man Enough."

That's my jam.

Okay. Okay, just calm down. Okay? We have plenty of time.

Yeah, yeah. Marty came early, and it all went smoothly.

You and I have very different definitions of "smoothly."

I cannot believe you are taking me to the hospital in a lowrider.

Look, baby, I couldn't help it.

All right, I'd just finished customizing this car

and I was test-driving it when you beeped me.

(SHOUTING)

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Uh, Tina, Tina, no shoes on the shag, baby.

What? What?

Calvin, I am having a baby!

Okay, but can you hold it till we get to the hospital?

What?

Ask me that one more time.

Ask me that one more time!

(GROANING)

Man, this windshield's all foggy. Hold on.

(BOTH SHOUTING)

- Okay. - What is happening?

I'm sorry. I hit the switches.

- (CAR HORN HONKS) - MAN: Yo, sweet ride.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, my man, you like what you see,

bring your car to Calvin's Pit Stop.

Calvin! I'm having a baby.

- The baby's got to eat. - Oh, my God! Oh!

Calvin! Calvin, Calvin, I'm feeling a lot of pressure.

Something's happening. Something's happening.

Can-can you look? Can you look?

Oh, look, it's a head.

Oh, God. I'm going down.

- (SHOUTING) - (CAR HORNS HONKING)

Does anyone have a normal birth story?

- 'Cause I'm starting to freak out here. - Okay.

It was no big deal, all right? It was just your head.

The rest of you came out at the hospital.

You know, this is taking forever.

Okay, Dave and Gemma, can you find security

so we could get these vans moved?

- Yeah, on it. - Yeah, on it.

Okay, me and Malcolm will go find an EMT.

I'm sure they're all over the place.

Okay, right. I'll go get nachos.

No. Trey, you'll go find the drivers for these vans

so that we can get out of here.

Right, 'cause I bet they up there by the nachos.

All right, guys, we got a little bit of time,

so let's just breathe and relax.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

Thank you, Mr. B.

- (SHOUTS) - (SHOUTS)

All right.

(GROANS) Huge contraction.

It's okay. It's okay. Just breathe through it.

Hee-hee-hoo, hee-hee-hoo. Hee-hee-hoo, hee-hee-hoo.

I-I thought you said your contractions were still far apart.

They were, but the baby doesn't give a...

- (SHOUTS) - (SHOUTS)

(SCREAMING)

The baby's coming! The baby's coming right now!

- Help! - Martin, come here.

What are you doing?

Come on, man. You got this.

You know what to do.

No. No, I don't.

All they teach you in the class is "hee-hee-hoo."

COURTNEY: Okay, this baby wants out.

Son, listen to me.

You got to step up and face your fears,

or you'll regret it forever like I do.

You do?

Of course I do.

Your mother really needed me, and I wasn't there for her.

I mean, I was, but I was laid out on the floor

or slumped against the car window while she had to steer.

But you can be better than me.

All right? You can do this.

I know you can.

Isn't someone going to tell me I can do this?

- Oh, yeah... - Oh, yeah,

- nobody doubting you, Courtney. - ... you can do this...

- Like, you know you got it. - (SHOUTING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

Okay, we're gonna need some towels.

All right.

Uh, we got nothing but, uh, $300 worth of Toni Braxton T-shirts.

Okay. Oh, boy.

She is crowning.

CALVIN: Okay.

- Okay. - I'm going down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa... Marty, come on.

Marty, stay with me, okay?

Breathe. Hee-hee-hoo.

Hee-hee-hoo.

Skert, skert. Yeah. Keep going, y'all.

Okay. All right, you are doing great.

- Let's push. - CALVIN: Okay.

- All right, here. Take my hand. - Okay, okay.

- Okay, just hold my hand. - Okay, okay.

Here we go.

(SHOUTS)

Ooh! That's my ring finger.

(COURTNEY SHOUTING)

I'm, like, starving.

Lil Side Baby ate up everything in the greenroom. Who does that?

Oh, my God. Toni Braxton!

(SCREAMING)

This is not my Sprinter.

And is that woman having a baby?

Okay, okay, okay. See, what had happened was,

is that our driver ran over some cones,

and we came in to the artists' entrance,

my wife had on these designer shoes,

because she couldn't really walk in them.

You know, you can't really walk in them.

Anyway, we said, "Whoa, let's just go in this way."

And-and, yes, this lady is having a baby.

(SHOUTS)

Boris, can you... can you help get these vans out of here?

MARTY: Oh, my God! (SHOUTS)

We have a head, people! We have a head!

You know what?

- Uh-uh. Let's do this. - Okay.

All right, what's your name, Mama?

Toni Braxton!

No, no, Mama. Not my name. Your name.

Her name is Courtney, and we are huge fans, by the way.

- I mean, huge. - I-I appreciate that.

Now, you got to push, Courtney. All right?

- Daddy, you ready to receive? - Yes, Toni Braxton.

On three. One, two, three. Push!

(SHOUTS)

Oh! I ain't gonna be able to hold my grandbaby.

- Okay, guys, we found some help. - (DAPHNE CRYING)

Oh... my God, it's a baby.

It is, Mommy.

- It is. - She's beautiful.

Let's wrap her up.

Oh, good, good. Yeah, here we go.

Oh, in one of my T-shirts.

Okay, I love it.

My fans are getting younger and younger.

Oh, my little Daphne.

I take it you must be the grandma?

Yeah.

Oh, damn.

You're Toni Braxton.

Th-This is Toni Braxton.

Hi, Toni Braxton.

- Hi, Grandma. - (LAUGHS)

Courtney, it's all over.

Now you can breathe again.

(LAUGHS) Breathe again. I see what you did right there.

I can't believe Toni Braxton delivered my baby.

Um, hello?

You did a great job, Daddy.

Hey, congratulations, baby brother.

That's beautiful.

How you doing, Toni Braxton?

My name is Malcolm. I'm the uncle.

Division one baseball coach,

and, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

... single.

That's cute.

Anyway, it was nice meeting all of you guys,

and congratulations.

Oh, my God.

You look fabulous, Toni. She looks great.

Hey, Malcolm.

- Yeah. - Proud of you, boy.

Thank you, Pop.

You took your shot at Toni Braxton.

- And you missed. - I missed.

- But-but you shot. - Yeah.

Oh, my God.

She is so beautiful.

I could hold her forever.

You have been.

- Yeah, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. - TINA: Okay, okay.

(GEMMA SPEAKING BABY TALK)

Look at that little baby.

MARTY: Uh, look, guys?

Guys, guys.

Full words, please.

We've made the choice not to use baby talk.

To talk to a baby?

Well, studies show that it can delay a child's language skills.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, y'all gonna be fun parents.

So, the doctor says that you can go home tomorrow.

- Are you ready? - I'm so ready.

Mmm.

- Oh, crap. - What?

The crib isn't built.

- Wait, it's not? - No, my dad wanted to do it,

but my parents can't get here till Wednesday.

I guess I can just use the bassinet.

Oh, no, no, no. It's not about the bassinet.

You can't be with the baby alone.

Marty, you got to go with her.

In my tiny studio? Where would he even sleep?

It's not a problem. You can stay at our place.

We can get the crib from Mom's house and put it in the spare room.

Spare room?

You mean my exercise room?

Where's all my gym equipment gonna go?

Malcolm.

Malcolm, look, the plan was always to turn the spare room

into Daphne's room at some point.

I ain't never heard this plan.

I see now the plan was flawed.

Well, look, man, what do you expect me to do?

You know, I have half a baby.

I hate to sound ungrateful,

but is the spare room even big enough for a crib and a bed?

You can sleep in Marty's room.

We are not a couple, man.

- Oh, please. - Okay, okay.

Look, Courtney can go in Malcolm's room,

Malcolm can come stay with us.

Where? In my shoe room?

Look, it's just until Courtney's parents get here.

Yeah, but then they're going to leave,

and you'll be two people in two houses

with one baby and no clue.

So, y'all rocket scientists.

Have you been huffing the fumes?

Daddy, I thought we had three more weeks.

- (DAPHNE CRYING) - Aw...

Y'all made my baby cry.

Come on. Give her to me.

Okay. Here.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Look at her.

Aw...

Look at her.

- How are you doing? - (DAPHNE QUIETS)

Yes.

Still got it.

Okay, you have got to teach me that, Dad.

Well, don't worry.

No one's ever really ready.

We'll all figure this out.

It takes a village.

Hmm.

Hey, guys, I-I'm so sorry.

Have we discussed godparents yet?

I mean, no-no pressure, but, you know, I did miss the concert

and paid for the van that she was born in,

not to mention the very expensive concert T-shirts,

which, by the way, are a total loss.

But, um...

You hear that voice? That annoying voice?

That's your Uncle Dave.

Get used to it.

It never stops.

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