Original subtitles

Hey, Calvin. You said you wanted to show me something?

Yes, Dave, I do. Um...

Look at this.

What is it?

It's the baby-changing table

that you and Gemma gave Tina for her grandma shower.

It says "some assembly required."

Well, this is not some. This is all.

Well, Calvin, that's part of the appeal.

Not only is it a gift, but it's a fun building project.

I see. I get it.

You want me to help you build it.

Close. I want you to build it while I go play golf.

Hmm, this is a fun project.

? Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ?

? Welcome to the hood. ?

So, Tina, are you nervous?

We're about to find out the sex of your grandchild.

No, you're about to find out.

My instincts told me what Marty and Courtney were having months ago.

I'm just here to say, "I told you so!"

(LAUGHS)

Oh, oh, look at you, girl. You...

You just popped outta there!

Lookit.

So I keep hearing.

Hey, uh, hey, Dad,

Courtney is a little bit sensitive about her size.

- Oh, oh, okay, yeah, understood, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

Girl, look at you! As big as you wanna be!

Thank you.

Hey, uh, Courtney, um, why don't you come have a seat?

Okay.

Oh, no. No, uh... (CHUCKLES)

One of the more sturdy ones.

- There we go. - All right, let's do it.

Okay.

Drones, up.

(DRONES WHIRRING)

(LAUGHS)

Okay, folks, it's showtime.

Keep your eyes on the skies

- and all will be revealed. - I-I know the gender,

can you reveal the baby's name instead?

Mom, no. We're not telling anyone the name.

We want to save something for the big day.

Okay. I know. You're right.

Just tell me!

Mommy, no!

Okay. Hit it.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Um...

What gender is green?

What are you doing, Dave?

I'm gonna use my drone to film the gender reveal.

You really think we're gonna want to watch this again?

Are the drones forming shapes in the sky?

Yep. That's Orion.

A-And that's Cassiopeia.

You do know there's a Laker game on, right?

I love it. It's so creative.

I don't understand it, like, at all, but still.

Here we go.

The moment of truth has arrived.

Okay, let me just get my drone in position...

(CRASHING, ZAPPING)

(SCREAMING)

It's a girl.

(CACKLES)

I told you so!

(GASPING)

? ?

Well, so much for our big gender reveal.

And we didn't even get to the best part.

I know,

where the X and Y chromosomes

converge on the ovum.

Yeah, well...

at least we'll have a fun story to tell Penelope someday.

Dave, listen.

If you notice I'm acting weird,

- don't make a big deal. - Okay.

I've got some information

that I shouldn't have

and it's really fantastic information,

but I can't tell you, so leave me alone.

You know, I think I can fix this.

Dave, I know the name of Marty and Courtney's baby.

- Ooh, really, you do? - Yeah.

- Well, what is it? - I can't tell you!

I'm dying to, but I can't.

They're keeping it a secret.

Okay, well, you do need to respect their wishes.

Do I?

I mean, you're my husband, it's kind of a loophole.

That is true.

Married people do share everything.

But you can't tell anybody.

Well, w-who am I gonna tell?

It's Penelope.

- Oh, that's cute. - (SQUEAKS)

She could by "Penny" or "Nelly" or...

Ooh, I know. Pineapple.

No one is gonna call her Pineapple.

Well, that's what I'm going to call her.

? ?

Hey, y'all.

- Hey. - Hi.

Okay, do we really have to write a thank-you card

for this creepy crib mobile?

It is so ugly.

- Yeah. - Who even gave this to us?

It's from me.

Thank you.

You know, I wasn't looking at it from the baby's perspective,

it's actually beautiful.

So, how was the game?

Yeah...

Well, we won, but it went into extra innings

and I haven't even started writing my geology paper

- and it's due tomorrow. - Ah. Geology 101,

"rocks for jocks." (LAUGHS)

That class was a piece of cake.

Well, at least for me.

Do a pull-up.

You can't win every argument like that.

You know what you could do? If you want to save time,

- use AI. - Yeah.

Whoa, to write my paper?

No way, that's cheating.

I want to write this myself.

Embrace the future, Malcolm.

People used to think calculators were cheating.

And spell-checkers. And now we take them for granted.

- And now you can take AI for granite. - Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

Gran-ite.

The rock.

- Yeah. - (LAUGHTER)

This poor kid will be born stuffed in a locker.

Man...

? ?

Hey, Dave.

- How's it going? - Not bad. Check it out.

All this time, that's it?

One leg?

Well, I put the dowel for the D leg in the A leg.

Then, I used long screw A in the locking bracket

when I was supposed to use short bolt C, so...

I had to start over.

Are you sure that leg is right?

Yes.

(MEEKLY): Yes.

Step aside. I'm taking over.

I'm not gonna put my sweet little grandbaby on your house of cards.

(CHUCKLES)

What are you smiling about?

I was just thinking about your sweet little grandbaby.

I hate smiles, Dave. What's going on?

No, it's nothing, I just...

I know something about her that you don't know.

How would you know if I don't know?

Look, well, I've said too much.

Oh, no, for the first time ever, not true.

Okay, look, Gemma swore me to secrecy,

but you are my best friend and if there's any loophole,

it's for your BFF.

Yeah, yeah, you know, if that's what it takes, absolutely.

BFF, yeah.

The baby's name is Penelope.

Penelope.

Okay, yeah, that's cute. I like that.

Yeah, right? You know, I bet a lot of us

are gonna call her Pineapple.

You know, I-I've always liked that name.

I knew a Penelope in middle school.

Oh. All right, well, please, you can't say anything.

Gemma will kill me.

All right, look, your secret's safe with me.

All right, thanks, buddy. And by the way, good luck on the cabinet.

Here are the instructions.

Dave. I'm a man, I don't need no damn instructions.

? ?

Okay, uh...

Where do I start with this AI site?

This looks really complicated.

Oh.

(CHIMES)

Write me a three-page paper about igneous rocks.

- (COMPUTER CHIMES) - Okay, how is that possibly...

And done.

No way. There's no way this thing

can write a good paper in two seconds.

(CHUCKLING) This is...

Oh, damn.

Let's go get some sushi.

No, no, Marty, I can't just turn this in.

I want this work to be my own.

Oh. Okay, well, take what AI wrote

and then dumb it down.

Malcolm it up.

? ?

(DRILL WHIRRING)

- Hey, babe. - Yeah?

Check it out. I'm an artist with this thing.

One-handed.

(WHIRRING)

Behind the back.

(WHIRRING)

Blindfolded.

(DRILL RATTLING)

Okay, that was a little off right there.

Well, Prime just delivered the cutest pink onesies,

bibs, socks, sweaters, even pink diaper covers.

I've got the embroidery machine

to put the baby's name on all of them.

What I don't have is the name.

Well, I mean, keeping it secret is kind of a tradition, right?

More like superstition.

You know, I thought they'd be smarter than that.

(CALVIN CHUCKLES) Says the woman who thinks we'll go broke

if you put your purse on the floor.

- Are we broke? - No.

You're welcome.

You know, I'm the grandmother.

I should know before anybody, right?

Right. That's... That's crazy.

(DRILL WHIRRING)

Calvin Geronimo Butler,

do you know something?

- Listen. - Oh.

- When somebody tells you a secret... - Uh-huh.

... they expect you to tell your spouse, don't you think?

Yeah, they do, they do, move on, move on.

So, so, so...

All right, so, you have to keep this just between us.

- Of course, baby. - All right?

All right.

So, Dave says Gemma heard

- Marty say... - Uh-huh.

... that the baby's name is Penelope.

Penelope.

It's cute, right? (CHUCKLES)

I know you think it's cute.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, Calvin.

Penelope?

The name of your first girlfriend?

(CHUCKLES) That was seventh grade.

And she was hardly my girlfriend.

(CHUCKLES)

You wild.

So you had hot and heavy make out sessions

with a girl that wasn't even your girlfriend?

- It was one kiss. - You know, I can't, I can't,

I cannot embroider these adorable pink baby clothes

with the name of the first girl you slobbed down.

(SCOFFS) Penelope.

Ho!

Oh, that's from my great-aunt Sheila.

Huh.

I didn't know Target sold five-dollar gift cards.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Oh, hey, Marty, hey, Courtney. - Hey.

Um, well, I wanted to tell you something,

and I know it's not my place, and I never meddle.

Mom, can you just skip to the part where you meddle?

Okay, well, I have a real problem with the baby's name.

It's not gonna work.

We haven't told anybody the baby's name. What are you saying?

(STAMMERS)

Okay, this is...

This is a little painful for me to talk about.

(SIGHS)

We never told you or your brother,

but years ago,

your father was involved with someone.

They were in love.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. It was when he was in the seventh grade.

Well, then, lead with that.

What is wrong with you?

Well, the point is, her name was Penelope

and that cannot be the name of my grandbaby!

Um, we're not naming our baby Penelope.

- No. - Oh, thank God.

You would do that for me?

Thank you.

No. It was never Penelope.

That's just what we started calling the baby

before we knew it was a girl.

Really?

Yes. Penelope was just our little joke.

- (CHUCKLES): Yeah. - (LAUGHS): Oh. Oh!

I get it, I get it. It's funny because it's an ugly name

for people with big-ass foreheads.

I looked at her yearbook picture.

(LAUGHS)

I-I cannot believe you thought that was the name.

What... there are no new Penelopes.

And it would sound ridiculous.

"Penelope Pridgeon"?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Huh.

Pridgeon. Pridgeon. That... well, that's your last name.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay... well,

I-I was thinking Butler,

but, you know, that-that's okay, 'cause you kn... we're not married.

- Mm. Mm. - Makes more sense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, this is what a feminist looks like.

Well, that's great, honey. Well, you know what?

I've got a ton of embroidering to do, but...

Wait, I can't, because I still don't know the name.

(LAUGHS)

I guess I can, you know, embroider names I think of.

Let me just start with Abigail?

Agnes, Amaya...

- It's Daphne. - Oh, Daphne! I love it!

(LAUGHS)

MARTY: Okay, but Mom? Mom?

Please remember, it's a secret, so don't tell anyone.

No, no, no, of course, of course.

Daphne. D-A...

- P-H-N-E. - Don't get smart with me, boy.

? ?

I got to hand it to you, Calvin. This-this looks great.

Yup. No instructions, no dilly-dallying.

Just power, muscle and a drill.

(DRILL WHIRRING)

Oh, man. What?

Well, what's this?

What?

The pop-out drawer.

It... it doesn't pop out.

- Let me see, okay? - Yeah.

Uh...

Well... Oh!

Okay, there it is. It popped out.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Clearly, if I want this done right,

I'm going to have to do it myself.

Now, where'd you put the instructions and my little Allen wrench?

In the garbage.

You know, you are lucky that you're my best friend.

- Hey. - Oh, hey, Daphne.

Dave.

What'd you say?

Dap me, Dave.

- Really? - Yeah.

- All right. - Oh.

- That's cool. - Yeah.

(LAUGHING)

- Hey, baby. Mwah. - Hey, babe.

So you aren't mad about Penelope anymore?

Oh, please. That's in the past.

Really?

Uh, forgive me, Tina. I don't know how to say this.

But when did you become so reasonable?

Well, I just found out something that improved my mood.

- But I can't tell you. - Whoa. Come on!

Babe, I told you my thing, remember?

- The married couple loophole? - (SCOFFS)

Okay, baby, but this is a big one.

Okay, the baby's name is not Penelope.

It's Daphne.

Oh.

Okay. Yeah.

Daphne Butler.

Okay, yeah, it's got a nice ring to it.

No, not Daphne Butler. Daphne Pridgeon.

Who the hell is Pridgeon?

It's Courtney's last name.

Okay, so what that got to do with my grandbaby?

It's what Marty and Courtney decided.

You got to learn how to stay out of other people's business.

(DOOR OPENS)

Well, Calvin, you did not throw the instructions in the garbage.

You threw 'em in my compost, and now my worms are freaking out.

I don't give a damn about your worms, Dave.

The Butler name is in jeopardy.

What are you talking about?

(SIGHS)

Look, I'm not supposed to say anything, but I am too upset.

Calvin, friendship loophole.

Spill the tea.

The baby's name is Daphne Pridgeon.

- Who the hell's Pridgeon? - Thank you!

? ?

Gemma, I have a huge secret I can't tell you.

Marriage loophole.

Ooh. Okay, then, I have no other choice.

- The baby's name is not Penelope. - (GASPS)

It's Daphne.

- Oh, that's cute. - Right? Daphne Pridgeon.

Who the hell is Pridgeon?

It's Courtney, and Calvin is crushed.

Oh, I bet.

How did he even find out?

Well, you told me the name Penelope,

and I may have told Calvin, who told Tina,

who told Marty, who told Tina the baby's actual name.

She told Calvin, who told me, and now I'm telling you.

? ?

Check out your boy. I got an A.

- (LAUGHING): Okay. - All right!

I told you AI was the way to go.

Uh, no, no, I wrote that myself.

I didn't use AI at all.

And you got an A... in a science class? (LAUGHS)

You don't believe me.

I'm telling you, that's all me, Marty.

Oh, yeah, sure, and I just did a push-up.

Knock, knock.

Come in?

Marty, your dad is upset about something,

and the only reason he knows is 'cause of my big mouth.

What is it?

It's killing him that your baby's last name is going to be Pridgeon.

Who the hell is Pridgeon?

How long have you people known me?

? ?

All right, everybody, we need to talk.

We understand our baby situation is unconventional.

And we love that you are all super excited.

MARTY: We do. We do. We love it.

But what we love less is you guys spreading rumors

and gossiping about our choices.

- Gemma started it. - What?!

Just to Dave. It's the marriage loophole,

- everybody knows it. - Yeah,

- just like the best friend loophole. - Yeah.

- That's not a thing. - (STAMMERING)

(INDISTINCT, OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Okay, will... will... ?

(LOUDLY): Will you please let us talk?

We are now officially going to announce

- our baby's name. - Mm.

(LAUGHS) Well, it's officially not a secret.

It's Daphne.

Miss Kim told me at the grocery store.

Our baby's first name will be Daphne.

Her last name will be Pridgeon-Butler.

- Hey! - Oh!

Oh. Okay. Thank you so much, guys.

This is awesome. The name, the legacy continues.

Is there any chance that you can go Butler-Pridgeon?

Mm-mm.

- What? No? - Take the win, baby.

Tina, prepare to be dazzled.

May I present to you

the Juno Five Deluxe Changing Table

by Smim.

Whoo!

I am dazzled. I love it.

Yeah. Dap.

- Huh? - It's our thing.

Oh, yeah.

This looks exactly the same as when I did it.

Yes, except, for one crucial difference.

It works. Tina?

Why don't you take the pop-out diaper drawer

with soft-close mechanism for a ride?

Okay, okay. Let me see.

- Ah. Okay. - Huh?

It's spectacular.

I'm-I'm impressed, Dave.

I just can't wait to put a stinky little baby up on this bad boy.

Yeah, I got to admit, Dave.

I didn't think you could do it.

I had no faith.

Absolutely none. Zero.

Oh, and if you look back here,

these straps make it earthquake-safe.

- Oh. - Huh?

Yeah.

Grover, did you build this?

Yes, sir. I-I watched some YouTube videos.

It took me 20 minutes.

Grover, we agreed it was a secret.

Yeah, but you forgot

about the "I'm scared of Mr. Calvin" loophole.

Yes.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0