Original subtitles

Well, look what the carp dragged in.

Very late to moms night.

We were gonna send out the coast guard.

And the sex guard. Cause of how...

we thought you were... You know...

Are you doing a thumbs-up to mean sex?

Is this better?

No. Cease and desist immediately

- whatever that is. - And where were you honeymooners...

Sex trapeze workshop?

Cozy booth at Olive Garden,

each breadstick more suggestive than the last?

Actually, we were just watching TV...

put those thumbs down, Marie... and dozed off

during a marathon of Kenai Chimney Clean-Outs.

That better be the name of a filthy pornography.

It is not.

Though Kenai Chimney Clean-Outs can be pretty scandalous.

Yeah. Beef, tell them about the guy

who found 45 rats in his chimney.

A guy found 45 rats in his chimney.

Nice. I'm gonna go put these drinks in the fridge.

Hey. What's the deal, lumber-crack?

You reeled in an absolute catch like Carissa

and you're not even taking her ass on dates?

Whoa, whoa, we've been on dates.

-Well, one date. We went to Maude's... -Maude's?

Maude's is not romantic.

The bathroom is visible from every single table.

But Carissa hasn't asked...

Women don't want to

have to ask for romance.

But deep down, we all want to be whisked away on special dates.

Like when Jamie buys me a variety of Trader Joe's dips,

rents a river gondola,

and serenades me for hours with his flute.

I don't know how to play the flute.

Well, not everybody can be Jaime but you'll figure it out.

I mean, one of the main reasons Carissa and Ken split up

was 'cause he never took her out.

She hasn't mentioned that.

And we've only really been dating for a month.

A month is a long time.

Think of all the frisky Fridays

and sexy Saturdays you've wasted.

You owe her four weekends worth of date nights,

plus interest for being an idiot.

You have two jobs in this relationship:

making Carissa feel special and reaching high shelves.

You're definitely not doing the first one.

Not even the first one, Beef.

And I don't know about the second one

'cause I'm not usually around you guys

when you're near shelves.

She could dump your ass at any time

for a stepladder and a tab of Ecstasy.

And I've got one of those in my garage

and the other one in my brassiere.

Preach, Dorothy.

Thanks for the ride.

You want to come over Saturday?

I know we'll have 18 hours of summer sunlight

and should enjoy that, but...

they're doing a Chimney Sweepers marathon called

"Oops. All Cave-Ins."

Well, um, I was thinking,

would you want to do something a little more date-y?

I don't know, eat off a table

instead of plates balanced on our laps?

Yeah.

I didn't think that romantic stuff was your style.

But sure.

I wouldn't mind being wined, dined,

and seventy-nined.

That's my average bowling score.

All right, then I will see you Saturday.

It's a date. Wait, you want to come in

for a quick... Er-er, er-er, er-er?

Hell yeah. I'm no fool.

All right,

what do we think of my date outfit...

Does it scream "romance"?

It screams "shirt and khaki pants."

In Alaska, anything without blood or dirt on it

is legally a tuxedo.

You look unreal, Dad. Scha-wing!

Babe, calm down.

It is about time you took Carissa out, Beef.

Personally, I'm excited we're babysitting her daughter Debbie.

She's so mean.

It's like being around a real-life Chucky.

Right. A full day of Debbie.

I'll be in my spider hole with my comics

till my "friend" leaves.

Um, I think you'll want to stay above ground today, Moon,

because...

It's time for the second annual grand opening

of the Tobin Family Pool!

And it's going to be very different than last year.

What? Last year was perfect.

Lies!

I'm sorry, what I mean to say is

lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, you're lying!

Yeah, last year's pool day wasn't like that at all.

Judy and I spent good money on that pool

and an insane amount on shipping,

then you guys turned our paradise into hell.

Look! I'm a mighty salmon!

Cannonball!

Aah! Why is the water so warm now?

Pee is water, Judy. Grow up.

Bucking broncos. Yeehaw!

Wolf, careful, that's a metal straw...

Aah!

And it turns out OnlineDiscount-Pools. Russia

does not allow returns for stabbed pools.

The only thing you can return to those commies is their ideas.

Will someone please explain modern Russia to her?

No, thank you. Anyway, I only shop places

where if you have a receipt, you can get a return.

In fact, I got a pair of dungarees from 1962

that I will be returning today to Suzie Q's Loose Slacks.

The point is that Honeybee and I tried to provide everyone

with a nice experience last year

but it was stomped to soggy bits.

So this year, Judy and I will be offering

a more sophisticated experience at our pool club,

as long as you're willing to follow a few guidelines.

Please enjoy and read carefully.

Especially because we ran out of toner

and everything printed on the last page is

basically off-white.

"No outside food, no inside drinks,

no pretending to be a large fish swimming upstream."

How dare you?

"No peeing in, on, or around the pool."

Wow, we get it... You know prepositions.

hello, Mr. Tobin.

God. What's this?

Why is she talking in that weird voice?

Morning, Beef. Ooh, Alaskan tuxedo.

- Hi, Debbie. - Why hello, friend!

Aah! Yes, a handshake.

The greeting used to show your foe that you are unarmed

and put them at ease before the real attack.

Moon, you're such a humorist.

Okay, well, I'm ignoring whatever that weird crap is

'cause I don't want to be late.

Let's go.

A boozy brunch

was a great idea, Beef. It's speaking my love language,

which is carbs and alcohol and almost nothing else.

Strong food groups on their own,

but somehow more incredible together.

And it worked, cause I'm tipsy.

Well, being a little drunk will actually be good

for where we're going next.

Wait, there's a next place?

We've got so much daylight

and so many missed date-ortunities.

I can hardly take you to brunch and call it a day.

This was merely date one.

Okay. Well then, cheers to a second surprise romantic date.

I don't want to rush you, but we do need

to leave now to make the reservation.

Okay. I am gonna take this glass with me, though.

That feels right. They have so many.

Usually, when the mimosas are bottomless

I leave topless, but this is nice, too.

The water on my skin, the sun in my eyes,

the sharp aroma of warm vinyl possibly poisoning my brain...

Sublime.

This is the Alaskan version of a Mykonos resort.

Except Lindsay Lohan isn't here.

She might be. She could be anywhere.

Remember, she won Season 16

of Celebrity All Star Hide-and-Go-Seek.

That's right. I still don't now

how she got herself behind the Mona Lisa.

Tobin boys coming through!

I couldn't find the beach towels,

so I brought regular towels and toilet paper.

Do you guys want to jump in one by one?

Or should we all hold hands and jump in at once

like we're a rich family taking a Christmas card photo?

Are you flippin' kidding me?

Did you not read the rules?

We thought those were a joke.

Also, no, we did not.

Only one non Judy Honeybee swimmer

allowed in the pool at a time.

Excuse me, miss Judy,

I'd like to say something.

Here it comes.

I think you're really doing

a great job setting boundaries.

- Hashtag girlboss. - All right, then.

Age before beauty.

Time for this rad lad to get his splish-splash on.

- Wolf, no! - No! Wolf!

Hey, no floaties, flips, or dives.

You're banned.

I'll take one refund, hold the chitchat.

I'm your customer, not your therapist.

And I'm a retail professional, not an idiot.

Have a nice day.

Don't you tell me what kind of day to have.

Let's try this again.

I have a receipt and Suzie Q's Loose Slacks has

a "no questions asked" return policy.

We had one. My mom retired,

she goes on slut cruises full-time now,

I took over the shop, and we have a new return policy.

The slut cruises interest me,

but I don't give a flying squirrel fart

what your new policy is.

And I'm not leaving until I get my money back.

Well, I'm not leaving either.

Because, due to a very difficult divorce

I am going through, I also live here.

I sleep right there on the tank top table.

And the answer will still be no when I close the store tonight

and start crying and wailing Rick's name.

But feel free to make yourself at home until then.

I spent 60 years locked in a bunker,

so you better believe I'm ready to spend

the next million locked to this.

Better clear your calendar, hon.

I eat a lot of meat and cheese...

It could be days before this passes.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry.

Ooh.

And scene. Okay, great class, everyone.

Again, my name is Tiffany Fantasy

and my VidVok is

VidVokokany-FantaDanceny exclamation point.

Follow me.

Well,

thank you for the dance and the date.

And apologies in advance,

because these shoes are coming off

the second we get in the car.

No need. Our next date is well within walking distance.

There's a third date?

Indeed. The wining and dining has just begun.

Hello, it's your father.

Extremely banned.

No.

Banned!

Banned for this life and the next.

Where am I supposed to pee?

Next up, romantic date number six.

Or, you know, we could just go ahead

and call it here, if you want.

Today's been a lot. A lot of fun.

But a lot.

I mean, I'm sure you must be tired.

I know I wouldn't be mad at a nap.

No, no. Nap dates are a thing of the past.

Though we may have to lay down to crawl through

a tunnel to escape.

An escape room.

Sounds hard.

Also, what does "mature" mean in this context?

Beef, this is really, um,

- elegant, but... - Good afternoon.

Welcome. Bienvenue. I'm Burtis.

Hello, Burtis.

We would like to try one of your escape rooms, please.

Terrific. Now, before you pick

which tantalizing room to explore,

I am required by law to let you know

that "Erotic Alien Invasion" has not been cleaned yet.

Then we will take a different one, please.

All right, quick rundown of the rules.

First, I will need you to place

your personal cell phones in this basket.

Secondly, the electrical wiring in the walls

is not part of the puzzle.

Please do not try to remove it. You will die.

And, finally, I have to ask you to not have sex in there.

Wink, wink.

Okay, but I feel like when you said that,

you were implying we were gonna have sex in there.

No... Wink, wink.

That's not allowed.

Wink, wink, wink, wink, wink, wink.

Welcome to the Honeymoon Hotel.

Your time starts now. Wink, wink.

Wink, wink, wink, wink.

Well, at least there's somewhere to sit.

No time. We've got to start looking for clues.

The chest has a combination lock on it,

so I bet we're looking for three numbers.

911? Joking, sort of.

Hey, Beef can we talk?

I don't understand what we're doing here.

Well, I think the puzzle has something to do

with the newly-married owners of a sex dungeon, and...

No, I mean I don't know what you're doing today

with this marathon of dates.

You didn't have to plan so many.

Sure I did. Dorothy and Marie

practically ordered me to.

Wait, they ordered you to take me out?

Like, forced you?

Not forced, they just said I had to,

to make you feel special.

Well, I'm feeling a lot of things right now,

but none of them are special.

I'm tired, I'm angry...

Angry? Like, at me?

Wait, are we fighting right now?

Yes, Beef, we're having our first fight.

And you know what, it's probably our last,

because I don't think I want to

be on a date with you ever again.

Okay, so just let me know

when you'd like a clue.

I can't believe the ding dong daylight will be gone

in a few hours and we're sitting here

like a bunch of dry, dusty doofuses.

I'm starting to suspect those so-called rules

were designed to stop us from ever entering the club.

On the other hand, social decorum is really

what separates us from raw nature.

Debbie, may I see you in my office?

Certainly, Moon. I'd be pleased

to continue this dialogue with you.

Mr. Ham, Mr. Wolf, please excuse me.

Okay, Debbie, while I've enjoyed

not being bullied by you or being threatened with

a front upper body wedgie,

at this point I am absolutely forced

to say what the hell?

Why are you acting so nice?

Do you have one of those cool brain-eating viruses?

There's that charming sense of humor again.

I mean, there's a whole butt of pool over there

and two bigger butts who are

standing in the way of our super-fun butts enjoying it.

Maybe the real fun

is the time we're spending together.

The Debbie I know would be chiming in

with a slightly north of evil plan to extract revenge

on those pool noodles over there.

- Dear. - What is your damn deal, Deborah?!

If you ever use my full name again

I will punch you so hard in the stomach

that your innie becomes an outie n the other side.

My God.

Let go of me, you fart sack!

You're still in there. You're still mean.

What a relief.

So, what's with the Stepford Debbie act?

Fine! The reason I've been super good all day is

my mom really likes your dad and she said

I need to be on my best behavior.

And I'm doing it 'cause...

- I'm glad they're dating. - Barf.

Yeah, but your dad makes my mom happy,

so right now I'm rolling in extra desserts

and so many Bratz dolls that I found an arm

in my oatmeal one day and I didn't even care.

I just ate it.

I don't want to get in trouble today and ruin that.

I get it, but couldn't you throw us a bone

on the pool situation?

I know you must have a scheme cooking.

I mean, yeah, I'd obviously love to build an epic Slip 'N Slide

and then ban your power-drunk sister

and actually drunk sister-in-law

from using it.

But I'll get in trouble if we die,

so I can't do it.

You can't, but I can. I'll take the fall.

Besides, if anyone dies, I'm pretty sure

Honeybee and Wolf are gonna be in the most trouble.

She's back.

Okay, can we slow down?

I am really sorry you don't like the escape room.

It's not about this date, Beef.

It's about what you said about Marie and Dorothy.

I'm confused.

Don't you want to be romanced?

Finding out this wasn't your idea

isn't romantic, Beef.

And now I'm trapped on this never-ending date

on a never-ending day wearing shoes

I'm going to have to be cut out of at this point.

And the fact that you still don't understand what's wrong

makes me think you are fully crazy!

- Carissa, no, that's... - Hey, Burtis?

Burtis, are you there?

Hello. Are you two behaving yourselves in there?

I hope not. Wink.

Could you let us out?

I think the lady would like to go home.

Are you really asking to get out of the room

or are you asking me to come in?

Wink, wink, wink.

Just leaving, please.

Okay, maybe next time.

Auf Wiedersehen. Please rate and review.

So, do you chain yourself

to small, family-run businesses often?

Not as much as I'd like.

I did once chain myself to a malt shop

because the sanitary pad dispenser ate my nickel.

Fine.

While I usually do not negotiate with receipt terrorists,

I suppose I could make a one-time exception

for a batty old bunker woman who's committed

to the same financially-stupid principles

that my beloved mother is.

I knew it. Ha! Now, with inflation,

we're looking at...

I will offer you an exchange pair

from the sales rack or nothing at all.

Deal. I'll take one of those droopy beige numbers

with all the pockets.

Now, would you mind unchaining yourself

and never coming back here again?

Well, I'd love to, but like I said before,

I'm gonna need two to three days to pass that key.

Wait, this stunt was for real?

You don't have an extra set of keys?

Ha! Do I look like a millionaire?

Okay, I'm calling the fire department to remove you.

Tell 'em not to dilly-dally.

I stuffed a grenade in my bra as backup,

and that pin is real loose.

It's a masterpiece.

One hundred feet of chaotic, lawless energy.

It's like the discount luggage section at Ross.

Who wants to go first?

Yippee ki-yay, splishy-splashers!

Whee!

Whee! Aah!

That was incredible!

You've got to check it out!

Whee!

Yes, excuse me.

Your screams have become a bit of a nuisance

for the Judy-Bee Pool Club.

So we're gonna need you to shut whatever this is down.

Or at least, let us try it.

Ooh, no can do.

Are you serious?

- Sorry, you're banned. - Get out of the way.

- No! - Let me go, Ham.

No.

Beef, I think maybe we should...

What is it?

I'm not sure. I have a bunch of missed calls.

Hold on, there's a new voice message from Wolf.

Hey, Dad. You'll never guess

where I am right now. In an ambulance!

Yeah, the whole fam is here.

- Say hi to Dad. - Hi to Dad.

- Hey, Beef! - Who's Dad?

It's actually a funny story,

but, let me tell you the craziest part.

I'm in an ambulance! Yeah, did I say that already?

Anyhoo, you've reached, Wolf Tobin.

How may I direct your call?

Well, everyone's okay. The nurse said

the kids'll be out in a few.

Carissa, did you mean what you said

in the escape room?

About feeling trapped and thinking I was crazy?

I shouldn't have called you crazy, I'm sorry.

But it was kind of nutso to ask me out

only 'cause our friends said to.

And then plan seven consecutive dates.

Actually, I planned nine. There was gonna be sushi,

an indoor hot-air balloon ride at the Death cliff mall,

and then a silent disco.

Well, I appreciate you making the effort,

but today made me feel like a romantic charity case.

I was so excited, but now I feel...

I feel embarrassed.

Hold on, let me clarify.

Dorothy and Marie did tell me I should take you out,

but also, I wanted to.

And I felt like I needed to go big

if skipping date night was how Ken

coasted his way to the curb.

Geez, Beef. Ken sucked in so many ways,

but I ended it with Ken because he was Ken.

I know I went a little overboard,

but it wasn't just for you. It was also for me.

I wanted to do this.

You wanted to spend a full 18 hours

on a marathon of dates?

It was kind of a dream come true.

When Kathleen and I were together,

she never wanted to do this kind of stuff.

Really?

Even if I planned a date I thought she'd really love,

like a booze cruise.

She'd just say I was corny.

Geez, I'm sorry she took the wind

out of your sails like that.

Pun very much intended.

Pun accepted. Yeah, she was a bummer.

She said "yuck" three times

- during our wedding vows. - Boy.

I had to shut down that whole romantic part of me

for so long and, I don't know,

I guess I did go a little nuts.

I actually have a notebook

where I write down date ideas when I think of 'em.

That's sweet. How many ideas you got in there?

- Thousands. - Well, okay, well,

I may not like dates quite as much as you do,

but I definitely like them more than Kathleen.

Maybe we can split the difference?

Something between no dates

and one billion big, exhausting dates?

That seems like a fine compromise.

You know, it's pretty impressive we had

our first big romantic date

and our first big fight in the same day.

And if it's not too forward,

our first big make-up?

Nice!

Kids! Is everyone okay?

Just a couple scrapes and bruises.

Moon begged for stitches but they wouldn't give him any.

I'm taking this off when we get in the car.

I want this baby to scar.

Dad, I'm sorry we interrupted your romantic romp.

Judy and Honeybee started an exclusive pool club,

so we had to build a very dangerous waterslide.

What I'm saying is it's all their fault.

What?! All we did is make a few rules,

which we wouldn't have to do if you guys

weren't always running around like a bunch of

drunk bulls in a china shop.

Do you hear yourself?

Bulls would make a boring dish store so fun.

Not for the shop owners, who are just trying to enjoy

the shop they planned and paid for because they wanted

to do something nice for everyone even though no one

ever says "thank you" and it's just going

to get destroyed anyway!

Wow. That's a much sadder story

when it's not told from the bull's perspective.

I guess today might be a little bit our fault, too.

We did kinda wreck the pool last year,

and we do kinda wreck a lot of nice stuff.

Like the time you rented a bounce castle

for my birthday and I used it to test

whether a wolverine and a squirrel could be friends.

Maybe we ought to all bury the hatchet, go home,

and watch the end of the "All Cave-Ins"

marathon on the Chimney Channel?

- I would love that. - Should we head out?

Why are you here? Are you okay?

Long story short, ate a key, got new pants,

came pretty close to singeing off my nips.

- And they released you? - Well, I'm supposed to stay

until I pass the key, but I know my body, and we got time.

Shotgun.

How about next year,

we can all save up, but we'll order

two Tobin family pools.

One that's calm and one that's absolutely chaotic.

And a third for peeing.

- And one for pooping. - Ooh, and what about one

that's an aquatic arts studio, just for me.

And we can do one filled with spicy turkey chili

for when we get hungry.

- All great ideas. - You know what,

let's just order a dozen and we'll

figure it out when they get here.

We've gone crazy for cave-ins.

Tune in this Saturday all day

for 24 back-to-back episodes

featuring all your favorite chimney cave-ins.

Crumbles, tumbles, slips,

slides, dusty, musty.

These chimneys go busty.

We know you're cravin' those cave-ins

and we've got you covered.

So grab some snacks and watch em' collapse.

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