Original subtitles

Here we live, oh, oh

Here we'll stay, oh, whoo

From longest night to longest day

In the Great North.

[cheering]

[sighs]

-Hey, Judy. -Easy for you to say.

Whoa, what's got you down in the dumps?

Did your dad make you spend the whole weekend

-at the dump again? -No.

The thing is, Alanis, it's spring.

That time of year when I should be getting my Jude groove on.

You know, loving and leaving, kissing and quitting,

first base and then get out of my face.

I get it. You should be making out under the dock.

Staying out until 10:00.

Abso-slut-ly I should, but I am currently

in a wasteland of no boy-related excitement.

My friends and I went through the yearbook yesterday to look,

in detail, at every boy

and I didn't feel a thing for any of them.

Oh, no, this is a medical emergency.

Yeah, I know, I'm all riled up.

And it's not just that it's spring.

There's also a full moon, plus personal injury attorney

Jeremy Crash has that new billboard,

and you know how I feel about him.

[moans] He's so hot and obnoxious,

bragging that he can "get you off."

It's like, uh, prove it, Jeremy. [laughs]

[groans] The snow is melting

and all I see are logs!

And you know what logs look like.

[laughs] Oh, I know.

-Penises! -I said I knew.

I don't even want romance.

I'm just looking for a beautiful face

with a bad personality.

So you're having a horndog moment

but there's no meaty bones in the yard.

Exactly. And so beautifully said.

[groans] Maybe it's time to freeze my eggs

-and focus on my career. -Hey, you can't give up yet.

Maybe find a young, disillusioned drifter

to suck face with.

Try the bus stop near the jail.

-Or the Grammy Awards. -[foghorn blows] -[gasps]

That horn-- tomorrow is cruise docking day.

Those ships are always filled with annoying adults,

and I bet some of them brought

their annoying teen sons on spring break.

Yes. The meaty bones!

They're on the ships, Judy.

Run to them.

[Wolf]Uh,

what's going on there, Aunt Dirt?

You doing the Goop milk cleanse?

I tried it once. Almost died, but skin was radiant.

No, idiot. I'm preparing my product to con

the cruise noobs into paying me a fortune

for a glass of genuine Alaskan moose milk.

You just mix a little human hair into regular old cow's milk,

and, boom-- some dum-dum from Delaware

is forking over a 20.

So, that trash bag is filled with...

Human hair clippings from Yolanda's salon.

Normally, she just throws 'em out.

Can you believe that? Wasteful.

And me and Ham are gonna be Aunt Dirt's scam interns.

We don't get any of the money, but we get the opportunity

to learn the business.

Normally, I would tell you not to help your great aunt

con people, but cruise ship patrons

are barely people.

Beef, speaking of ships, isn't today the big day?

Indeed. My Internet pen pal,

{FisherMan#1!,

and I are set to meet at the Toe in the Snow Tavern,

if he's not delayed by those bloated water pigs.

I may even go down to the dock and surprise him.

I love a surprise meetup before a planned meetup.

Like when you run into your dentist at the farmer's market

right before your scheduled appointment.

We've bonded so much online over our shared love of knots,

the finer points of maritime law and, of course,

dangling our feet over the edge of a boardwalk.

He dangles, too? Oh, he's a keeper.

-Well, good morning, Judy. -Yeah, yeah. Got to go.

I'm on a tight schedule to go get some ass.

[door opens, closes]

Well, that's the first time I've ever respected that girl.

[grumbling]

-Where are the boys? -[exclaims gently]

-Ow! -Oh, sorry about that.

[gasps] Ah-woo-ga!

I mean, hi. That was hi.

"Hello" is what I mean to say. Hi-hi.

Hey, I'm Graham. My family and I just arrived.

I haven't seen you before.

Are you and your family in steerage?

With the chickens?

Oh, uh, no.

I'm actually from Lone Moose.

Fascinating. And does your family own the town?

Nope. We just live here.

Do you happen to know where I could find a copy

ofRich Boy Quarterly?

My fencing partner is in it

and I'm extremely jealous.

[Judy] Okay, wow, I hate this person,

but he is also very hot and those two things are actually

working together in a wild way.

Uh, how about I show you around?

Sure. I'll meet you back here in an hour

after I find and burn my friend's magazine.

You could show me all your local banks?

Uh, we only have one, but there is an ATM in the grocery store.

A grocery store. [laughs]

I look forward to finding out what that is, too.

Do you see your FisherMan#1!, Dad?

Well, his fishing vessel is called theChilly Princess.

But I can't see it in this parade of floating casinos.

What kind of captain would even take a job

running a cruise ship?

Someone flashy and trashy. [groans]

Good lord. Those cruise ships need to yield

to the fishing vessels.

The last thing we need is a repeat

of the '97 Lone Moose Massacre.

So many lives lost.

Actually, no one died.

But they could have.

What about the Death Cliff Death Run of '02

and the Seward Slaughter in '09?

Those were pretty deadly, huh?

Well, not technically deadly.

All parties were unscathed.

But that's only because the fishing boats

let those crap-tubs have the right of way.

Oh, look. We got a big one coming in.

Bet this'll be stupid.

[Beef] Huh. Well, at least that cruise captain doesn't need

a tugboat to help him pull in properly.

Wait, what did you say your friend's boat was called?

TheChilly Princess.

Why? Do you see her?

Oh, I see her all right.

[Beef] Where? This huge water hippo is blocking my whole view.

[Wolf] That water hippo is theChilly Princess.

But, no, it can't be.

My friend is...

my enemy?

[Judy] Okay, okay,

okay. I need an afternoon date eyeliner

that screams "she's loose as a goose in Lone Moose."

-Oh, sorry. -No, I'm sorry.

-[chuckles softly] Here. -Thanks.

I use eyeliner as a pencil when I do my sketches,

but I dropped mine over the side of the cruise.

Well, they actually have pencil pencils, like,

-right over-- -Um, actually, I'm doing some art about feminism,

so that's why I use makeup.

It's kind of a comment on a comment.

I can explain it to you if you want.

[Judy] Wow. Ew. This know-it-all who thinks he invented art

is awful but hot,

and that is totally doing it for me.

You, uh, looking for a little company, sailor?

Well, I like to block out an hour a day

to blame my parents for things.

But I'm free after that.

Great. I'll meet you down by the docks this afternoon.

Cool. Yeah. If I'm not overwhelmed

by the weight of the world, uh, I'll guess I'll see ya.

[gasps] Oh, no. I was so distracted

bythat obnoxious hottie I forgot that I made a date

with the other obnoxious hottie.

I'm definitely in over my boobs.

I better call for backup.

At the very least so that I stop talking to myself.

-What? -Nothing. Mind your own business, Vera!

Judy, I got your 911 text with the seven heart emojis

and the face going like this...

and figured that meant love emergency?

It did. My hungry little hormones scrambled my brain,

and now I have dates with two equally hot

but unlikeable guys this afternoon.

Should I cancel? [whimpers]

Should I run?

No, Judy, calm down. There's nothing wrong

with fanning a couple flames at the same time.

Before I met Wolf, I was very active on the dating apps.

I became an expert on rocking a rude dude rotation.

I'll teach you how to balance both these guys at once.

Oh. Huh. Yes, two boys does mean

more chances for a messy make-out

and a upstairs honk-a honk-a.

And I need that or I'll-- and I'm not exaggerating--

probably die!

Been there. All right, first things first.

ABB.

Ask for butt butter?

No. Why would you... [sighs]

Always be babe-ing.

From this moment forward, these boys do not have names.

Call them both "babe" so you don't accidentally mix them up.

You can also use "cutie," but I don't think you can pull it off.

Not a chance. I'm clinging on by my fingertips here.

[chuckles] "Babe" it is.

Moose milk!

Tastes sweet, straight from the teat.

The Rock drinks it, and things are going pretty good for him.

If it's good enough for a baby moose, it's good enough for you.

What do you think, Sharon?

I'd love to get some local flavor.

Ooh. I bet this will be incredible for my gut biome.

You bet it will. Gut biome, butt biome,

Pauly Shore'sBio-Dome.

You ever seen that one? Crackerjack sense of humor

-on that kid. -Now, I'm allergic to cow's milk.

Can I have this?

-Sure. -[gagging]

I got a real moose hair.

Incredible. [coughing]

[Beef] That must be him.

FisherMan#1!.

He said he'd be wearing a striped scarf.

Well, this is the perfect opportunity

for me to simply leave him alone and spend years

wondering what might have been.

You've been talking about meeting this guy for weeks, Dad.

You said-- and I quote--

[deep voice] "I feel like I've met my soul's first mate."

But that was before I knew he was a cruise ship captain, Wolf.

Cruise captains don't steer with finesse.

They just push buttons that say "stop," "go"

and "announce buffet."

It's like having training wheels at sea. They're phonies.

[regular voice] Look, Dad, I'm not saying you have to follow through

on being best friends, but maybe just go say hi.

No way. There's a bunch of other cruise captains in there.

It's infested.

Oh, shoot, Londra's coming. Stop talking.

I wasn't talking.

Heya, Beef. Just popping in to pick up some jalape�o poppers.

If there's any cruise captains in there,

they'd better not try to talk to me.

Yeah, they're nasty. Yuck.

Thank God she didn't ask me why I was here.

Oh, by the way, why are you here?

Oh. To mock,

uh, that man through the window.

Look at his stupid... stuff.

[laughs]

-Good one. -[Beef] See, Wolf?

Cruise captains and boat captains don't mix.

Dad, haven't you ever seen

the BBC's Pride and Prejudice miniseries

starring Colin Firth?

Or Joe Wright's Pride & Prejudice movie

starring Matthew Macfadyen?

Of course. Judy's made me watch each of those,

-like, 20 times. -Well, what if

Lizzie Bennet hadn't walked up to Netherfield

to see if her sister was super sick or whatever

just 'cause she thought she hated Mr. Darcy's guts?

Right. This is exactly like that.

Bang-o bong-o, Dad.

Put on some walking boots and hike up your skirts.

Jane Bennet needs you.

Now, let's review-- what's the most important part

of a rude dude rotation?

Stay alert and flirt, flirt, flirt.

Judy, you got this.

Go forth and make me proud.

Hey, babe. Ready to hit the museum?

They have a recalled quarter

where Washington is accidentally blinking.

I've actually never seen a coin.

Wait till I tell the boys from Mountwood Prep about this.

Uh, give me a minute to run to the ladies' room

in, uh, a different building.

Because... I don't want you to hear me pee.

-[chuckles] Just like Mother. -[panting]

Get your mouth on some moose.

Oh, see how fast that gal's running?

She had some moose milk earlier.

Great for energy. And around here,

it's known as the fountain of youth.

Ham, tell 'em how old you are.

Oh, I'm seventee... nine.

And I'm 20.

It works both ways.

[pants, chuckles] Hey, babe.

[panting] How are you?

Oh, I'm suffering terribly.

Great, great. There's an open mic here today.

Santiago Carpaccio is unveiling his new sonnet

"A Stork in the Road."

It's about his fertility journey.

Sounds soulful.

[cries] There's nothing left to teach.

Mm. No, no, no, can't do it.

-But, Dad-- -No!

-[clears throat] -Yes?

May I help you?

Sir, may I present my father--

and your Internet friend--

Captain Beef Tenderloin Tobin ofThe Mighty Kathleen.

Oh, um, that can't...

The Captain Tobin I was speaking with

captains a cruise vessel.

-You take that back! -Dad, Dad, take it easy.

He just made a mistake.

The Tobin I met was intelligent and classy

with an extensive knowledge of deep water ports

on all seaboards, foreign and domestic.

That could only be a cruise captain.

Well, the person I was speaking with

literally called himself a Fisherman,

number one, exclamation point!

Yes, well, I am a man and Fisher is my last name.

I'm Captain Cornelius Jazzy Fisher.

It was obviously a mistake to come in here,

and I bid you farewell.

Look, I've captured

my coconut shrimp in a San Diego Jam Knot.

[Beef and Fisher] Nonsense, that's a Bimini twist.

-[gasps] -Oh.

Well, well, well, that is a twist.

Perhaps I've been too hasty to judge you.

Just like Lizzie with Mr. Darcy at the ball.

[gasps]

Uh, well, if you were free,

perhaps it would interest you to tour my boat?

If, while walking, we were to revisit

our online conversation about punctuality,

I suppose I could stomach a look around.

-Wonderful. -We should leave separately, though.

[chuckles] Agreed. Tongues will wag.

[Judy] Hanging out with you

But it's kind of a secret

Yeah, we're having fun

But we also should keep it down

'Cause I'm kind of being sneaky

Hangin' with you

But also real discreetly

Hanging out with this guy, too

I like hanging out with you

But shh, shh, shh, nope

No, no, no, I said shush

Chill out, chill out!

I'm quietly hanging out with you.

-[horn blows] -[screams]

What a delightful tour.

Apologies for judging you upon meeting,

I don't have anything against you, personally, it's just...

The right-of-way incidents of '97, '02 and '09.

I know. Changed things forever.

-So many dead. -None dead, but yes.

I will admit that, sometimes, my ilk can be a little flashy,

but I've been captaining cruises for many years now,

and if I've learned anything,

it's that a rising tide raises all boat captains.

I have the same philosophy.

Dad, this is just like when Lizzie realized

that Mr. Darcy paid for Lydia's dowry

to get Wickham to marry her.

-You think I don't know that? -[Fisher] Wait.

I know the perfect thing to wrap up this afternoon.

Stay here. Boat right back.

-[gasps] Londra. -Beef.

Hey, I just sent you a text.

Oh, great, great, great.

A bunch of us captains

are gonna hang tonight on my boat

to mock those cruiser losers as they leave.

I'm gonna have hard limeades and tipsy iced teas,

so it might get rowdy. You in?

Yeah, totally. I hate cruises

and their captains. Ick. Barf.

They're the worst.

Cruise Captains, P.U.!

Cornelius Jazzy, you heard that? I didn't--

No need to explain, Beef. I know we're natural enemies.

Somehow, hearing it out loud, though,

after all this time,

208 minutes to be precise, it stings.

I'm so sorry.

You can have the snow cone, Beef.

It will suit you. It's cold.

Go to him, Dad. Make this right.

I'm gonna stay here and try to salvage this street cone.

[chuckles] Couple pebbles in the ice.

Nothing I can't chew.

Wow. I had no idea a childless man

in his middle years could go through that much.

Yeah, really makes you think.

I'd love to tell you more about my feelings.

-[Judy] Uh, okay. Oh. -Dinner tonight?

You know it, babe. But bye for now. Okay, bye-bye, goodbye.

I was able to reach my assistant

who reached my father's assistant,

and I have permission to stay ashore a few more hours.

That's great.

They wired me $2,000,

so should we do dinner later?

Do you have restaurants here?

Uh-huh. I usually just have a bowl of kibble on the floor,

but I'd love to try one.

-Great, see you tonight. -Honeybee,

okay, Missy Elliott was correct.

I worked it, and it was worth it, and--

Judy, did you put your thing down, flip it, and reverse it?

Not yet, but that's what dinner is f... Oh, wow.

Um, excuse me?

Do you know if this place has worker's gloves?

For these hands?

Mamma Mia 2. Here We Go Again.

I mean, uh, uh, yeah, they should.

Are you some kind of dirty... worker?

Oh, I'm in engineering on the Tundra King Cruise,

even though I'm only 17.

I got diagnosed with being too rugged for high school.

I work with my hands.

These beautiful, broken hands.

Oh, wow, perfect.

Uh, are you doing anything for dinner tonight?

[Dirt] Put a little on your psoriasis, honey, trust me.

I soak my legs in it every night,

and now I can do the splits.

Bad news, Dirt,

we're running low on hair.

Maybe I've been putting

too many scoops in each cup.

Nah, that's what sells it. You did perfect.

Luckily, I know where to get more hair.

Oh, no.

I guess this is what being an intern is.

I gave more of myself than I wanted,

but it'll be worth it in a few years

when I get promoted to full-time grifter.

Permission to sit and dangle, Captain?

Permission denied.

A cruise ship captain and a boat captain

were never meant to be friends.

The world will never understand.

[sighs] I suppose you're right,

-but I'll never forget today. -Me neither.

Well, I guess it's time for me to head to my friend's boat

to make fun of you and your friends.

And I must do the same with my cruise captain friends.

We gather at the Caviar Dreams caviar bar

aboard thePrincess for a last hurrah before we depart.

I'll think of you whenever I see a Bimini twist

or someone who doesn't dress very well.

[Londra] So, then I said, "Well, at least I don't smell like

-hot tub water." -[laughter]

Beef, did you not hear my cruise captain burn?

Beef?

No, I did. [forced laugh]

[gasps] Oh, oh, oh, you're gonna love this.

Ivan's got a bunch of rotten chum,

and he said we should sneak on board that cruise

and dump it down their twirly pool slide.

But that's Captain Fisher's boat.

-Who? -[Beef] Um...

Captain Fisher.

I know about him because I don't like him

and think we should do the slide thing. For sure.

Oh, Beef, you should bring your antique trident.

You can pop their inflatable Chilly Princess mascot,

-Princess Chilly. -Oh, I, uh--

Yeah. Let's go show those rich jerks

-who really has the right-of-way. -[cheers]

O Captain. My Captain.

[Londra] You go pop the Princess, Beef,

-then we'll chum the waters. -[Beef] Certainly.

-Mm... -Go on, do it.

What's the holdup? Pop it, pop it, pop it!

[Fisher] A rising tide raises all boat captains.

Why you stopping? You gonna poop in one of the lounge chairs?

I'm ready if you are.

-No. I won't poop on my friend. -[all gasp]

That's right, the captain of this boat,

Captain Cornelius Jazzy Fisher, is my friend.

Friend? What the--

Yes, his boat is big, and I cannot lie,

but so is his heart,

and I was wrong to hide our friendship.

So now, I'm going to run to him.

Bup, bup, bup. Wristband, sir?

I don't have a wristband on my wrist,

but I have a heart band for your captain.

Oh, why didn't you say so? Go on through.

I did say so, but thank you.

Yes, I guess you did say so. My bad.

-No worries. -I'll, uh,

try to be clearer in the future, in my language.

-You know, the challenge-- -May I continue running to my friend?

Yes, of course.

Nice one, Greg.

Hey, Judy, here to get you prepped for the final phase.

You're about to be so proud of me.

I actually planned three dates here at the restaurant.

Three? Judy, no.

My rules only work for two dates, not three.

Honeybee, I have to do this.

I got three meaty bones in there and mama's hungry!

But three dates in one big room?

The science isn't even close on that.

I need this! [screams, panting]

You know what? You're kind of freaking me out,

so just get in there and do whatever you're gonna do.

[overlapping chatter]

[clears throat] Hello. I'm looking for Captain Fisher.

And who are you?

I am Beef Tobin, a fishing boat captain.

[clamoring, hissing]

Well, this is a cruise captains' hangout,

so why don't you scurry along back to your side of the docks

and drink a nice hot cup of chum.

Stand down, Captain Tennille.

I'll ask you not to speak that way to my friend.

[all gasp]

Well, looks like we found

Romeo and Cruise-liette.

So, is Greg just letting anyone come in here?

Is there no security?

Now, now, let's all calm down.

There's no reason for this feud to continue.

Let's just talk like reasonable maritime professionals. [grunts]

-Caviar? -Hey, who-- Chum?

Caviar fight. Everyone to your positions.

-[tourist] Hey. -Uh-oh.

You lied to me. I was in the bathroom all day

with lactose diarrhea.

And I had to stand there and give her toilet paper,

-over and over again. -You had to?

We didn't even get to see the town.

Meh, it's not that great.

That's not moose milk. I want my money back.

Grab what you can and run!

Oh, sweet, they have food.

I'm just going to go to the bathroom to freshen up

'cause I am not fresh. [laughs]

-Hey, babe. -Hey.

I bought you this. It was expensive.

Oh, my gosh, you are so sweet,

but this table is so drafty, am I right?

I'm gonna go ask the waiter to switch us, okay, Tyler?

Who? Oh, she's already gone.

[pants] Rayne. Whew. You ready for dessert? [chuckles]

We just sat down.

Yeah, but they got to flip tables, Graham. I mean, Judy.

I mean, Tyler. I mean, babe. [screams] Got to run. [chuckles]

Well, we can't switch tables.

Were we gonna switch tables? Where did you get a corsage?

Isn't that funny, though? I'll be right back.

Um...

Love the new table.

Judy, why are you under a table?

-Are you hiding from your servants? -I can explain.

And-and the explanation is...

Uh, well...

I'm on a date with all three of you.

Oh, yeah, I'm here on two dates as well. You and her.

Oh, hey, Kima.

Hey, Judy. I'm here with him, him and him.

I'm also here with him and you and them and her.

All right, great, I'm gonna start kissing now. Is that fine?

-Yep. -[all moaning]

? ?

Every spring with this.

Mateo, get the hose.

[all clamoring]

Well, I guess we were right, we really can't be friends.

[laughs] I guess not.

Maybe one day, we'll see each other again.

In this life or the next.

Or in, like, a month and a half when theChilly Princess

is scheduled to dock here again.

And also online, like, all the time.

[chuckles] You got it, buddy.

[ship horn blows]

[Dirt, Ham and Moon panting]

-Hey, guys. You get caught? -Not yet.

Trip one of them for us if you can.

I'll do my best. See you at home.

Jeremy Crash, hot piece of ass

He's an injury attorney

And I'm on a sensual journey

When I drive by his billboard my horn goes beep, beep, beep

I want to file a case with him, please

Hit me with your Jeep, Jeep, Jeep

He's got a legal duty to investigate Judy

Injury attorney, I'm on a sensual journey

You have permission to approach my bench

I hope you won't object

When my kiss is French

Jeremy Crash, hot piece of ass.

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0