Original subtitles

Alanis! Get out here. Big news!

Hey, Judy. What soothing yelling.

You're never gonna believe what rad thing

Kima and I are about to do.

Dang. Are we getting in some trouble?

- Is it cocaine? - What? No.

We are going to the...

Alaska Student Summit at the State Capitol in Juneau!

The A.S.S.?

Heh. We're about to get a...

front-row seat to learn about how our state legislature works.

Flying out in an hour, baby.

And the conference starts tomorrow.

Wow, you and Kima do a lot of school trips.

Excuse us

for being good at school so we can go to college, Alanis.

We can't all have a singing voice that defines

an entire generation.

You can't see it, but I'm flipping you off.

Love a hotel buffet.

Why does cereal taste better from a tiny box?

Cool. They have the Dutiful Dairy

cottage cheese brand with the racist logo.

Native women are not here to serve you curded cheeses!

- Who are you talking to? - Almost everyone.

Morning, girls. Eat up. This is all free.

And I brought plastic wrap from home!

Thanks, Mr. Golovkin.

Keep on chaperoning, bro.

All right, should we run through our presentation?

Hey, is this seat taken? No? Okay.

Wow. No. Gosh.

Please sit, rebellious, strange girl from a different school.

- Cool hair. - Thanks.

I got in trouble for getting colored streaks,

but I'm like, "Keep your laws off my hair, Mom."

Have you guys seen the schedule?

We have to sit through a lecture

from Senator Bonnie Bunch-Legg? Barf.

Yeah, she's that right-wing banana

who always opposes Native stuff.

My dad calls her Bonnie Butt-Leg,

which is pretty harsh for Walter.

So, which lectures are you guys skipping?

We're not allowed to skip, right?

Says who, the Man?

Well, I mean...

Yeah, this whole thing, like, sucks,

but at the end of the day,

Judy and I are actually reenacting

Elizabeth Peratrovich's big speech to the legislature.

- Who? - She was a very cool

Native activist who told honkies

to shove it way back in the '40s.

- By getting an actual law passed. - She's Kima's idol.

Well, her and Chucky from Child's Play.

- I love his can-do spirit. - Right.

Well, if you want to, like, actually have fun,

I brought provisions.

Ooh! Gummies.

Kind of you to share, ma'am.

Um, I don't know what that voice is,

but it is kind of me.

'Cause these are special gummies.

You know what I mean, right?

- Kind. - Totally.

- I'm taking two. - Three for me.

they kick in quick.

- What does? - The, gummies?

They're edible. Like, edibles.

Good, 'cause I just ate them. What?

Okay.

Wow, you guys really are Goody Two-shoes,

and I am now realizing that you have no idea

what just happened and I don't want to get in trouble, so bye.

We are not Goody Two-shoes.

In fact, you know what?

I'm gonna take that racist cottage cheese tub

- and throw it away. - Yeah.

Yeah, and I'll steal...

this hard-boiled egg.

Man did the hotel lady see us?

Run away. In a cool, edgy way.

But run!

Okay, team, shall we saddle up an early lunch

- at The Hoagie Pony? - Hell yeah.

What are you on about, Bob Dope?

It's the jingle for my signature sandwich,

or as I call it, my siggy swich.

The Wet Wolf. Served at the Hoagie Pony

and named after its creator: me, Wolf.

It's a single slice of Swiss cheese

slathered with one full cup each of mayo,

ketchup, mustard, relish, hot sauce,

and Thousand Island dressing.

Everyone in the fam can't get enough of the double-W.

Right, guys?

Yeah. Yum.

One time, Dad's accidentally fell in the trash can

in his room, but I found it and he loves it so much

that he ate it anyway.

Even I still cannot believe that I did that.

Don't worry, Dad.

Tonight, we'll order you two Wee-Wos just in case.

Babe, if you say Wee-Wo one more time,

Wee-Wo-n't be married much longer.

What in the Timoth�e Chalamet's Dusty Dune?

The Wet Wolf is gone?

E-Excuse me, miss, what happened to the Wet Wolf?

- We took it off the menu. - But why? When?

You got to ask my dad.

But he's not here. He's getting his hair plugs removed.

He wanted bangs, but they put in too many. He couldn't see.

Well, I wish he could see this.

Rise up, my Humid Hoagie Hive.

Wait, are we supposed to be the hive?

Yes, my Moist Militia.

That's also you.

Are you ordering anything or...

Yes. I'll take one Salami and Provo-Lone-Moose

- with Mayor Pepper sauce. - Ham, no.

Now we're storming out.

Right. I will take it to go.

Whoa! Like, whoa.

Wait, is that even a word? Whoa.

Whoa? I feel weird.

Like I'm floating.

And, like, this lamp is, like,

looking at me.

Kima, something weird is happening.

I can't stop drying my hands.

- Those hands? - Yeah, these babies.

I keep thinking they're dry but it's like,

"Nope, they are still wet."

Well, Judy, I guess, just, you know, like, keep at it,

and, um, live, laugh, love and dress for the job you want.

Yeah, great advice. I'm gonna get back in there.

I forgot to throw this away.

Enjoy the bottom of the trash can,

offensive stereotype tub.

Boop.

- Hey! Kima. - Um, hello?

What the hell? Who said that? Am I hearing voices?

Yes, you're hearing my voice. Down here in the trash.

Please take me out of here. It stinks.

Thanks, honey.

Hey, you're Native.

Yes, Athabascan and Suqpiag.

Cool. I'm Tlingit.

Elizabeth Peratrovich.

Wait, wait, wait. Like, my hero Elizabeth Peratrovich?

- The very one. - How did you end up

- on a cottage cheese tub? - Hell if I know, babe.

But you are friggin' lucky, because I'm here to take

a Native gal on a very special mission.

For real? Am I hallucinating?

Depends. Did you accidentally eat something

that could make you hallucinate this morning?

- No. - You sure?

- Yeah. - Okay, girl, if you're sure.

Judy, I have news: a cheese ghost is talking to me,

and it's Native hero Elizabeth Peratrovich,

and she has a mission for us.

Sounds extremely reasonable. Let's friggin' go.

Kima, please make this white girl stop staring at me.

Her eyes are Gigantor and she is freaking me out.

Damn, I wish this cheese ghost

- would talk to me. - Sorry, Jude.

I guess only I have the power to see cheese ghosts.

- All right, let's get in your car. - We actually came

from the airport in that courtesy van.

Hell yeah. Let's go in that.

Like, take it? Isn't that bad?

Ha! They stole our land.

We can borrow a friggin' courtesy van, baby girl.

Right, right. Judy, we're taking the van.

First I took a hard-boiled egg,

now I'm taking a car...

I'm really escalating.

Is that Judy?

Kima? What in the wor...

Where are they going? Kima! Judy!

This is a nightmare.

This mask is supposed to stay on for 20 more minutes.

Okay, so what's the mission? We're gonna, like,

go to the governor's house and you scare him

and everyone's like, "Dang, Kima,

you got that mansion and that pool table, too?"

Great idea. Love where your head's at.

But actually, we got to, go to that restaurant first.

Walk right in the front door and sit our asses down.

That's it? For what?

Ask no more questions.

All will be revealed!

Okay. Judy, turn here.

This all looks so good.

Even though we just had breakfast,

I could, like, eat, you know? It's like I have

what I've heard described as the munchies.

Me too.

I guess it's the excitement of having a supernatural mission.

Um. Yeah, guys?

Hello, there. Welcome.

I'm your server, Paul.

We, unfortunately, do not allow

outside cheese tubs at the table.

May I check yours?

No! We, we have to leave it here.

And you have to do what we say

because I am Tracy Crabcakes.

You must not recognize me, but, like,

my father owns this restaurant.

Tracy Crabcakes? I see what's going on here.

Got the munchies, do we, ladies?

I just said that.

- What you said. - Okay.

We will have the...

appetizer sampler,

and, three fish and chips.

The filet mignon,

the salmon Bordelaise,

three Caesar salads,

two blackout chocolate cakes.

Hey, hey, why don't you go ahead and throw in a baked potato?

All right, I'll be back with some bread.

Can we get extra bread?

You haven't even gotten the main bread yet.

Just bring us the bread, Paul.

Fine.

Wow, you guys played that very cool.

Okay, thank you all

for meeting on such short notice.

As you know, I was pretty bummed out about my siggy swich

being ruthlessly removed from the menu

due to it being my legacy and all that.

I mean, I thought our grandkids would order it in the future

on their mind chips or whatever.

Aw, that's sweet. Now I'm sad about the sandwich, too.

Good, because I have a plan to get my soaked sandwich back down

the throats of hardworking Lone Moosers everywhere.

- Yuck. - All we need to do is just flood The Hoagie Pony

with orders for the Wet Wolf.

Once they see how much demand there is,

they'll have to start supplying it again.

Thanks for calling The Hoagie Pony.

How can I sandwich you today?

I'd like to order a Wet Wolf.

Hi, Beef.

This is not Beef Tobin.

This is Jennifer Aniston, from Friends.

Excuse me, sorry, this is now the president.

I-I'm with Jennifer. And Phoebe.

And we need to get our hands on a Wet Wolf.

My God, we have caller ID. I know it's not the president.

Okay, Lydia, sorry, yes,

that was Beef and Moon, but we really do need

a lot of Wet Wolfs because, well...

Phoebe wants them, for her twin sister Ursula.

I'm hanging up now.

Everything Everywhere All at Sucks.

My legacy is in tatters. Unless...

No. Are you having another idea?

You bet your beautiful butt cracks I am.

- Ooh, yay! - All right,

- four orders of fish and chips. - Gimme, gimme, gimme.

- Two... - That one's mine. - Hey!

My God. Golovkin.

- Wait, who's that? - Our teacher chaperone. Crap!

Crap, that's The Man? Time to dine and dash, girls.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

- We gotta go. We gotta go! - Gonna drop 'em.

Too many dishes.

Hello, sir.

Now, we do have a dress code.

I don't want to eat.

I'm just here to get those girls.

Wonderful. Now, if you could just

- wait right here. - Here we go, here we go. - Judy, let's go.

- Back door. - Aah! Sorry. Coming. - Stop right there.

- Hey, weirdos, you forgot me. - - Aah!

You don't understand. I'm their teacher

and I took them out of town.

I see, sir.

I am dialing 911.

Wait, no. They were...

Girls! No!

I was supposed to get a massage.

Yeah, yeah. it's an emergency.

All right. Beth, now that we ate, we got to complete

this mysterious mission.

Yeah. On to our next stop.

Just, head over there, maybe. Can't hurt.

- Judy, turn here. - Okay, but real quick,

should we go get Froyo?

So, the mission

is getting a tattoo?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's part of it.

You gotta trust me.

'Cause of our special bond across time or whatever.

My God. I'll get in so much trouble.

But I have always really wanted one.

Hey, how's it going? You guys want tattoos?

I can do anything except portraits, dragons,

flowers, hearts, anchors or cursive.

Also, before we get started,

I'll need you each to prove you're 18.

By giving me 50 bucks.

Well, that hurt way more than I thought it would.

But now we're tattoo twins for life.

Hell yeah. And it's so original.

I don't know anyone else

who has a dolphin on their lower back.

Hey, hey, Kima. Judy. Did you get tattoos?

- No! Go, go, go! - Go, go, go! Wait, I'm the driver.

- Hey! Hey! - Run! Run, run, run, run, run! - Okay, here we go!

Judy! Kima!

No!

So,

where do we go next? I'm having a lot of fun,

but I don't really know what this mission is.

Yeah. Beth, what's this all adding up to?

Great question.

All will become clear.

We just gotta do more stuff first.

And it might seem like just a bunch of random fun things,

but I promise it has, like, a very deep meaning, okay?

Okay, you're the boss.

Lead us on.

Whoa.

Hi, guys.

We love living near your butts!

You left the keys in here!

I've got you now.

- No getting away this time... - Run, run! - Go! Go, go, go!

Damn it.

Stupid horoscope.

This is not, in fact, my day.

Left, left, up that hill!

Left, Judy!

Is he still behind us?

Don't look back.

Just go. Go. Go!

Ride, my bitches, ride!

I can feel the wind in my curds!

Guys, what are we doing here?

I'm going, like, three miles an hour.

All right, the calls were a no-go...

Too impersonal... But when Lydia sees

how much people dig this, we'll be back

in biz in a wet minute.

- Free Wet Wolfs! - Hell yeah. I've never said no

to free food in my life.

No.

Hello, ma'am.

How would you and your child like

to munch my brother's hopes and dreams today?

Stay away from my baby.

I called the police and my dad.

Awesome.

Tell them to bring their appetites.

We're at Indian Point.

Native land.

This must be where we complete the mission.

Makes so much sense. Ask the cheese ghost

- where we should go. - Just,

head down that trail over there.

Down the trail!

Guys, please do not run.

I cannot chase you.

The drag on these palazzo pants is insane.

Wow.

This place is incredible.

Beth, what's the mission?

We already did it.

What? But all we did was

play hooky from a conference and have a bunch of fun.

Yes, we did.

We walked in the front door of a restaurant

and sat right down and went to a bunch of other places,

and nobody called us names or treated us like crap.

And frankly, that kicked total ass.

Both cheeks. Right cheek, left cheek,

down the crack, Kima.

Whoa.

Yeah, all the stuff I fought for

is flippin' real as hell now.

Well, I'm really glad you got to enjoy it.

I'm glad you got to enjoy it.

'Cause, honestly, y'all are kind of Goody Two-shoes.

You need to rebel a little.

No, I think we're pretty cool.

You probably just don't know that 'cause you're an old ghost.

First of all, how dare you?

Secondly, you guys were too nerdy

to know you've been massively toasted on gummies all day.

- What? - Yes, that girl this morning

with the cool hair... She gave you special gummies.

Judy!

Judy, Judy! Those gummies we ate

were Mary Jane.

My God.

Everything makes so much sense now.

The munchies, my wet hands, our very good decision

to get dolphin tattoos on our lower backs.

Hey, over here. Listen up.

Those gummies are wearing off and I'm about to disappear,

- but Kima? - Yeah?

If I'm really your idol, don't just reproduce my speech.

That's what this little voice from the back of your head

that sounds like me is telling you.

Go back to that conference and mess some crap up for me.

- Okay, nerd? - You got it, cheese ghost.

Kima! Judy!

Okay, what in the world is going on?

Also, how do people wear this type of pants?

Because I have fallen over a lot.

So you're saying a girl from another school

- gave you the gummies? - Yes.

And I know this is hard to believe,

but we did not catch on

that they were not normal gummies.

- I absolutely believe that. - Hey.

I am sorry to say this, but I'm afraid

today's modern marijuana edibles

are way too powerful for nerd teens like yourselves.

90% of nerds who take marijuana gummies die.

-Those are just the facts, -Okay,

you can't just keep calling us nerds.

Judy, I just spent so much money chasing you in various Ubers

and I had to pay your restaurant tab

and promise them we'd bring these plates back,

so I will call you whatever names I wish.

- Fine. - So, are you gonna tell our parents?

Are you kidding? I lost two students

on an out-of-town field trip

because they took edibles and got tattoos.

This goes with me to my grave.

- Thank God. - But you do have detention

- for the rest of high school. - What?! - No!

You can tell your parents you're helping me grade papers.

- Ooh, I do love to grade papers. - Nerd.

Well, here we are at the state house. You feeling

sober enough to do your speech?

Wait, we didn't miss it?

My God, you've only been gone a few hours.

Wow, those gummies really mess with your sense of time.

Like, I totally thought the weekend was completely over.

Dry buns! No fun!

Good Lord. Now what?

- What do we want? - Wet!

- When do we want it? - Now!

This is a non-violent sit in.

But that can change on a dime, sweetheart.

The people demand you return the Wet Wolf

to its rightful place atop the menu.

Mr. Hoagie.

Hello, Tobins. What are we doing here, Wolf?

Well, sir, welcome back.

You look beautiful, bald and beaming.

I need you guys to stop bugging my daughter.

We took the sandwich off the menu because no one ordered it.

But my family always orders it,

a-and there's a lot of us.

They never order the Wet Wolf

unless you're with them.

That can't be true.

Humid Hive? My Moist Militia?

- Sog Squad? - Sorry,

but it is true, sweetie.

We all hate that friggin' sandwich.

- Aw. - But we love you.

Which is why we wait till you're not around

to hurl the hoagies deep into the woods.

Wolf, I only put it on the menu

'cause you ordered it every day back in high school.

But once it was up there, it went to your head.

Whatever do you mean?

You always came in through the kitchen,

which is against health code,

and you expected the sandwich for free.

Well, yeah. Do you think the Hamburglar

pays for Big Macs?

Wolf, I'm sorry. We can't put

your very awful sandwich back on the menu.

Okay, guys. Let's, pack it in.

Guess I'll just go back to being a nobody

with nothing named after me except myself.

Hold on.

How about I name the water station

"Wolf's water station"?

Wow, that's what the sign will say?

Sign? No, it'll just be the water station

we already have as is.

But you'll always know it's yours.

- That seems like nothing. We... - Love it!

Water is way more important than food.

I can't wait until our grandchildren

see this projected on their bionic ice creams.

Okay, Humid Hive, let's head around back

so we can walk in through the kitchen

and get our free glasses of Wolf's wet water.

No. Wolf, no walking through the...

All right, they're going.

And here to recreate

Elizabeth Peratrovich's famous speech,

two students who have definitely been here all day

and did not have any marijuana.

And marijuana is bad.

Actually, it's just gonna be Kima.

Okay, just Kima, who is sober.

Thanks, Mr. Golovkin.

Okay, look,

I was just gonna recreate a speech today,

but something... maybe it was a container of cottage cheese,

doesn't really matter how I got the message...

Told me that Elizabeth Peratrovich

would want me to cause a little bit of trouble instead.

So, here it goes.

Let's start by talking about Senator Bonnie Bunch-legg.

Or as us natives call her, Bonnie Bitch-Legg.

Get her, Kima!

God, I wish I had some blood to throw.

And then we got kicked out

and Golovkin took us

straight to the airport and we had to fly home right away.

So guess what? Suck it, Alanis!

We are nerds no more.

Okay, Judy, but you do realize

marijuana is harmful for teens, right?

And I'm not just saying that because we have

a standards and practices department

up here in the sky that requires me to do so.

Okay, Alanis.

You're still super blazed, right now?

Must be.

You want some fries?

God! There's a fry in my eye.

I'm blind! no, wait, no, I'm fine.

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