Original subtitles

And that is why we gather on National Cheeseball Day...

yes, it's real...

to celebrate our dusty, crunchy friend,

a beacon of neon orange hope in our gray, dull lives.

- Hear! Hear! - Our dull lives.

- Dull lives. Dull lives. - To our gray, dull lives.

To our dull lives.

These were actually here when we bought the house.

I'm not saying that's the reason we bought it, but...

it was a factor.

I remember when you looked at this house.

There was asbestos in the walls,

lead in the paint, and rust in the water.

And those things will all kill you slower

than these cheeseballs.

Look what I found in The Lunch Box parking lot.

Can we keep her? Aw, can we?

Aw, we should see if she's microchipped first.

Maybe somebody misses her.

Did you finish prepping Darlene's order

for the cafeteria yet?

No, not yet.

But I'm gonna go back after dinner to finish it.

Harris, you were at The Lunch Box all day.

Wasn't that long enough to finish it?

[scoffs] It should have been.

It's like the simplest thing in the world

to make hamburger patties and salads,

but I just can't seem to get it done.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

It's a huge order with fast turnaround,

and you're doing it all with one hand,

'cause you got that bong in the other.

I wish that was the reason,

but I quit weed when I got serious about the job.

Oh, man, that's tough.

Coming up with good excuses

for sucking is the hardest part of being sober.

Harris, I have complete faith in you finishing

my cafeteria order because if you don't,

I will lose my job

and Mark will have to quit school

and marry some rich old man.

Yeah, I never saw it going any other way.

Don't worry, I'll get it done.

Hey.

They're about to announce the lotto numbers,

or as we call it, "Working America's favorite game show."

So, Becky, Becky, I'm worried about Harris.

I've already had to step in a few times

to help her make the hamburgers.

Yeah, I just don't understand what's going on with her.

I mean, she seems to really wanna shine at this job,

but she can't get out of her own way.

I think it's a confidence issue...

not surprising.

This family could undermine anybody's confidence

in a hot minute.

I mean, they throw a grand banquet for cheeseballs.

And on my birthday, I get a Lean Pocket

with a candle in it.

What'd you wish for?

It doesn't matter. I didn't get it.

You got 'em.

Hey, you know you missed the opening ceremonies

for Cheeseball Day.

Oh.

Well, I was late 'cause I was running some numbers

'cause I've been thinking about keeping the hardware store open

an hour later than the competition.

And, um, I'm going for it.

Whoa.

You gotta keep the light on.

You gotta keep the heat on.

Most importantly, you're gonna miss "Wheel of Fortune."

I mean, it's London Week, man.

[laughs]

Well, look, I don't have a choice.

When I told Darlene to take that cafeteria job,

I wasn't planning on all these extra bills

that just keep popping up.

Like, they just raised our property taxes.

So if you're staying open later,

you're gonna be poaching customers from the big boys, huh?

That's the plan, see?

Home Depot, Lowe's, that one home improvement aisle at CVS

that sells the eyeglass repair kit

and the cloth tape measure,

yeah, they're all going down.

How are you gonna manage all these long shifts?

Yeah, I hope you're not expecting Dan to do it.

I mean, he was killing himself working all day

and then teaching those DIY classes at night.

I mean, he started to sit down when he was looking for stuff

in the fridge.

I figured I would make healthier choices

if I wasn't in such a rush to get back to the couch.

[laughs] No, see, that only works if you actually put

a healthy thing into the fridge.

I have an apple in there.

I'm keeping it fresh inside of a pie, but...

[chuckles]

No, look, I didn't expect him to fill in.

This is something that Darlene and I gotta deal with.

Mm, yeah. I feel bad

you gotta work late, but it's not forever.

If I do well at work, they promised me a raise.

You know, and if we've learned one thing, in America,

low-wage workers always come out on top.

Well, the rough part is that I'm gonna be

getting home a lot later.

And that means that we won't get to spend

as much time together at home, you know?

And that sucks 'cause nighttime has kind of been our time.

Ohhh, okay.

Nights, enough said.

I guess you guys fixed your sex problem, huh?

I think I've learned a little about who to confide in.

Mm.

But, you know, we'll... we'll just stay up later,

- so we can spend time together. - Yeah. Hey, look.

We've been through tougher times than this.

Oh, yeah, we have.

God, well, we lost a magazine,

and your podcast was an epic fail.

And remember, you lived in the back of the hardware store

'cause I lied to you about almost going

to Hawaii with another guy.

Yep.

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

together there is nothing that we can't make worse.

Mm-hmm.

[bluesy rock music]

6x09 - Manifesting, Marriage Testing and Cheeseballs

? ?

"The Conners" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Harris.

Harris, wake up.

You left the stove on.

Wait, the stove is on?

No, it's okay. I turned it off.

How did this happen?

I don't know.

I finished the orders,

and I wanted to make a grilled cheese,

and it was around 3:00 in the morning.

I guess I fell asleep.

[sighs] I'm such an idiot.

Is it too much work?

No.

I don't know what's going on with me.

Okay, let's examine this.

When you start a task,

do you feel like you're gonna succeed

or you feel like you're gonna fail?

Succeed, but then I start to get into the work,

and I can't get it done, and then I feel like a failure.

It seems like there's something

underneath all of this.

With everything I'm learning as a psychology student,

I really think I can help you figure this out.

That's super neat that you're learning how

to do a thing, Becky, when I've already done the thing.

I was a celebrated life coach.

And if anybody can help you get over your fear of failure,

it's gonna be me.

Your credentials are six weeks in a mall class

and a certificate that has a coupon

for a spray tan at the bottom of it.

And I looked great all that winter.

Okay, look, Becky might be able to root around in your brain

and figure out what the problem is.

That could take a lifetime.

I, on the other hand, can get you into action,

into action.

How 'bout this?

We'll both work with you,

and then you can tell us which one is helping you,

and then Jackie will stop.

I just want to be able to do my job

and not feel like I'm drowning all the time,

so I'll try anything.

I'm gonna go make another grilled cheese.

If you smell smoke, save yourselves.

Okay, look, let's get one thing clear.

We both care about Harris.

Exactly.

This is not a competition.

This is about what is best for Harris.

- Mm-hmm. - If it was a competition...

If it was a competition, uh, 10 bucks

and the loser has to get a tattoo that says,

"Life Coaches Rule," and it has to be on your face.

? ?

Hit the road, Blondie.

This is my time with my lady.

Lady?

Aren't you afraid Darlene's gonna come home?

Look, I'm sorry I gotta kick you out, but...

[groans] This is my only time with Darlene

now that I'm working so late.

I don't have anywhere else to study

because Beverly Rose is asleep in my room.

Well, it's your call.

You know, either move or get crushed

by an exhausted couple going through the motions

of trying to have sex.

Can't you just go to your room

and flop around like normal people?

We have the energy to walk to the room

or we have the energy to have sex.

We don't have both.

You swim in a T-shirt in front of the family.

I'm calling your bluff.

Hmm.

Wait, what? You're already in your "leave me alone" pajamas?

What about the...

what about our half-assed couch sex?

I gotta be at the cafeteria at 5:00 a.m.

They want me to take over breakfast.

Some student was still stoned from the night before

and they ate all the marshmallows

out of the Lucky Charms.

So people were triggered.

No one felt seen. It was a mess.

Damn, okay.

Well, I understand.

Would you be really mad if I went

and got a drink at The Lobo?

I kind of don't want to just sit up by myself.

- Yeah, of course. - Okay.

You know, sometimes if I look really sad,

they'll give me a free shot.

And that's why I check our bank account

right before I walk in.

Why are you okay with him going to The Lobo?

How'd you hear that? You got earbuds in.

Oh, they're not connected to anything.

I hear everything that goes on around here,

like when you call Ben your big bad wolf

and ask him to blow your house down.

Ben loves that.

And what's the big deal about him going out one night

to have a drink alone?

It sounds like it's not gonna be one night

based on your work schedules.

Okay, so what?

Our relationship's strong enough to handle that.

That's what you said about David

when you started spending time apart.

One night he was just out getting a beer.

Next thing you know, he's out getting a beer in Guatemala.

No, that is totally different.

Ben doesn't even have a passport.

Let's be honest. You and I are slow

to see relationship problems coming,

but you always see mine better and vice versa.

Okay, yeah. But when it's over,

why can't we just pick up where we left off?

Unless somebody else picks up

where you left off at The Lobo tonight.

He owns a moderately successful hardware store.

In Lanford, he's Richard Branson.

God, you're right.

And he doesn't even need to be.

In Lanford, he just needs to be the guy

who drives Richard Branson.

[bluesy harmonica music]

[bluesy harmonica music]

Why is there all this blonde hair in the drain?

I have a very full life, Dad.

I go from work to school to dates with Tyler.

Sometimes I have to wash my hair in a restaurant sink.

It's the price of being a woman who has it all.

Thanks for coming to fix this, Dan.

You know, Ben was supposed to come by this morning,

- but he bailed. - Not a shock.

He's been hungover at work the last few days

from drinking by himself at The Lobo.

What the hell's going on with him and Darlene?

Didn't she tell you?

They barely see each other.

She falls asleep on the couch waiting for him.

I can't believe she hasn't said anything

to me about all this.

Finally, progress.

Your adult children are taking care of their own lives.

Hey, don't lump me into that.

I still need babysitters, Dad...

and new Mommy.

Well, your father and I have big plans tonight.

We are gonna watch the "Yellowstone" prequel

followed by the pre-prequel,

and if we can stay up, the pre-pre-prequel.

[chuckles] You tell your sister

if she's got a serious problem, she can call me.

Hey.

How many times are you gonna promise

that you're not gonna let your kids interfere

with our private time?

I think 25.

All right, now I want you to promise me

that you are gonna stay out of it.

I can do that.

Tonight it's just me, you, "Yellowstone,"

and a six-pack of hard root beer,

'cause that's all the gas station had.

A vision board is the perfect tool.

So in order to get past your fear of failure,

you need to visualize your success.

And then you can manifest it.

So I brought in one of my old boards.

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

This is just to give you a sense of how it works.

Now here, I was trying to attract love.

Who is that in the middle?

Well, at the time, I had a bit of a thing

for WGVO's weatherman, Max Thunder.

Okay.

What's up with the Wendy's napkin?

Oh, well, a napkin can symbolize your desire

to clean up your lifestyle

or to wipe away old dating patterns.

But in this case, it was just because I saw Max Thunder

at the Wendy's, and so I grabbed the napkin

out of the trash after he left.

Okay, but you didn't end up with Max Thunder,

so this doesn't work.

No, I was trying to attract love,

and I got Neville.

And Max Thunder,

he was found dead in an old motel in Mexico.

The forecast called for life,

but poor Max, he got that one wrong.

Oh, come on. A vision board?

What? They work. I married a doctor.

I did none of that, and I'm dating a pilot.

Your time is up, Jackie.

It's my turn to work with Harris.

Um, I've been thinking about everything you've gone through

the past couple years.

It's a lot, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, you thought you were gonna get married.

You thought you were gonna have a baby.

You moved back in with your mom.

Yeah, I think about those things a lot.

It's kind of overwhelming to hear them together.

Mm. Great job, Becky.

Way to burden her with all the traumas that she's been through

but give her none of the tools that she needs.

She's gotta process all the crap

that she's been through, Jackie.

She doesn't even know how bad her life is.

Why do you think I'm in such a hurry to give her real help?

If we don't do it soon, God knows what could happen.

What are you talking about? What's gonna happen?

We won't know unless we explore

the core beliefs that are contributing

to her thoughts being so distorted.

You're right.

My thinking does feel distorted.

Dig, dig, dig. Who cares?

We need action.

We need to get her outta this dark hole right now.

The only way out is through.

Yes, I got that T-shirt at the Cracker Barrel too.

You know, guys, none of this is really helping.

That's because we haven't gotten to the hard stuff...

her parents getting divorced, missing out on college.

I don't feel too good.

I'm kind of lightheaded.

Look what you're doing to her.

Are you okay?

Are you having a hard time catching your breath?

Yeah, a little.

- I'm kind of shaky. - Oh.

You know, you do look kind of pale.

Um, let's go to urgent care to be on the safe side.

Yeah, well, that's what I was just gonna suggest

if you let me get a word in edgewise.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Hey, you're home. I'm so pumped!

Whoa.

You're a little loud and excited

and pumped with what?

Well, I-I just threw down three triple-shot lattes.

Three? [laughs]

You weigh, like, 60 pounds.

You're the size of a latte. What?

I think that's too much caffeine for you.

Well, maybe, but I am not falling asleep tonight.

I am up and I am ready!

Whoa! [laughs]

You are sweatin' like Doc Holliday in "Tombstone."

So let's get this party started.

Shirts stay on, drop the pants.

Oh, well, uh-uh. We can't do that.

We'll look like a couple of toddlers at the beach.

A couple of toddlers about to have sex at the beach.

Okay, whoa!

No! Okay?

This wasn't working before that image,

so let's just... let's just try and do this another night

when you start blinking again.

No, no. We have to do this tonight.

This is the only time we have.

And if we don't do it tonight,

then we're not gonna do it tomorrow,

and we're gonna drift apart.

And then you're gonna meet some woman at the bar

who's gonna ask you to install a bookshelf for her,

and then you're gonna be having sex with Gail.

And yes, I know her name is gonna be Gail.

Okay, Darlene.

Stop and just talk to me.

Okay, well, Becky says that couples

that spend too much time apart break up.

And she wasn't saying it to be mean.

She was actually saying it out of concern,

which was very unsettling.

Okay, all right?

Look, I know we're going through a rough patch,

but this is not the way to fix it.

Okay, then how do we fix it?

We have to fix it.

I don't know.

We could be doing this for a while

or until you run through a screen door

and disappear into the woods.

That's not gonna happen, but I need you to sit with me

for a minute because I can feel my heart beating in my feet.

Oh.

No, I can't sit. We gotta walk around.

Okay.

Well, you're going pretty fast,

so how about I just follow you in the car?

[bluesy harmonica music]

Thanks for coming in early

to help me get this cafeteria order out.

I can't believe we gave Harris a panic attack.

I know. I feel terrible.

I violated my sacred oath of being a life coach.

It's in Latin, and it translates roughly

to, um, "At least leave everybody l...

how... like... like how what they were."

Hey.

Hey, how you feelin'?

I'm fine now. Sorry I'm so late.

Urgent care gave me a referral to a clinic,

and I took the first appointment this morning.

Okay, so what'd they say?

Well, she said that basically what I've been going through

the last year is most likely ADHD.

The doctor said a lot of times girls don't get diagnosed

as kids like boys do, so when they're adults,

they don't know what's going on and they just blame themselves

for falling short.

That is true. That does happen.

No. No, too late.

You blew it. Move on.

We talked for a long time.

And the first thing she recommended

is that I stop talking to a psych student

and a life coach.

Well, usually colleagues support each other.

Did she prescribe any meds for you?

She gave me a referral to a specialist

who will charge me on a sliding scale

and give me some coping skills.

Okay, all right.

Well, see, that's a good thing.

Now you have the tools and you can manage this,

you can do your job, yeah?

Although one doctor is sending you to another doctor,

uh, this feels a little bit like a pyramid scheme.

[bluesy harmonica music]

Mm, morning role-play, gross.

"Yellowstone," it never ends.

Yeah.

There's so many prequels,

it's eventually just gonna be cavemen in Montana.

Uh, so listen,

I gotta talk to you about something.

I... I'm sorry to ask, but I don't know what else to do.

No, he is not working any of Ben's shifts at night.

Louise, I get it. I-I understand

you wanna spend time with your husband.

But I wanna spend time with mine too,

and I'm really afraid of what's gonna happen if I don't.

Honey, I'd love to help you.

But I made a promise to Louise, and that's important to me.

We should be spending this time of our lives together.

Coming over here to ask you this

was the last thing I wanted to do.

I know I've already asked for so much from you,

but I'm desperate.

Honey, I'd love to help you,

and I'm sorry your marriage is dissolving.

But I wanna spend as much time as I can with her.

Okay.

I-I don't want to cause problems with you guys.

But my marriage is kinda new,

and I don't know if it can withstand the strain of this.

Oh, honey, it would be so different

if Louise weren't an angel in human form...

- All right! All right. - Sent down from above.

Go ahead and work a couple of late shifts.

God, Louise.

We promised we'd spend time together.

Why the sudden turn?

You know, you parents all have the same disease.

If your kids are miserable, you're gonna be miserable too.

A couple of nights a week help?

Oh, my God, you saved us.

I gotta hug you.

[bluesy harmonica music]

You've been through some stuff and I know sometimes

that you feel I'm too busy for us,

but I am always thinking of you and always loving you.

And I just felt like I had to tell you that

before you're gone.

Who're you talking to?

It's not what you think.

I love them, but I'm not in love with them.

[child giggles]

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